Bachelor: Cha Cha Cha Changes

I like to think the coversation went like this:

Ring ring
Hello, ABC, how may I direct your call?
My name is Brad Womack and I'd like to speak to someone in the ABC Pimp Department
Just a sec, honey, I'll connect you
Wait, wait, are you single???  click.

Good afternoon, Pimps and Ho's Department, How can we take advantage of you?
Hello, this is Brad Womack.  The Bachelor who gave you the Deanna season?  Yes, that Brad.  Listen, I'm a changed man.  I've been to change therapy, and I got an ancient symbol of change tatoo on my back. 
Uhuuuuuuuh
Listen, ever since I was on your show I get slapped in public.  I mean, forget about getting laid, I can't even get a date.  I need you to help me.
And, what would you like us to do for you, Brad?  You did turn your back on section 28.1 of your contact which requires you to propose to a woman on the show, and pretend to like her for at least 5 days post rose ceremony.
I know, and I'm sorry about that.  But, my dad never showed up one day to take me fishing when I was 9, and I didn't realize that was making me a fuckwit until I was therapy-ized.  But, now I seen the light, and I want another chance to find lurve.
Lurve?
Yes, lurve, that kinda fake emotional connection, somewhere between lust and love, that allows you to make out and never really tell a girl how you feel, cause that would be giving away the ending.  Lurve. 
I see.  Actually, the man we were going to have as the Bachelor, a Mr. Heffner, just announced his engagement, and since there are no other single, straight men in America, when would you like to start filming, Brad?

And so we find ourselves yet again watching Brad trying to find the elusive lurve.  Brad gets a second crack at 30 cracks, shall we say.  Lots of changed man discussions, lots of justifying why Brad was a fuckwit last time around, and lots of shirtless running on the beach (note to ABC: do not show Brad jogging.  He looks like a caveman).  Ahhh, the sit down on the couch with the mac daddy of all pimps, Chris Harrison.  Yadda, yadda I'm so sorry, I know I hurt those two classy ladies.  If only I could apologize to them.....  Well, Brad, you are in luck!!  They are here to rub their engagement rings in your face and continue the humiliation.  Um, say what?  They're here?  Oh joy.  hahahahaha.  How excited was Brad!!

Ok, next up, meet the Ho's.  Little overview of some of the more promising ones...
Ashley from Phila, who is a Dentist but wants to be an elf
Shawntel N who is a funeral director
Ashley S a southern daddy's girl.  She's a big crier. 
Chantel O-Seattle car dealer.  She's d-d-d-d-divorced.  C'mon, you didn't think ABC was going to waste any virgins on Brad did ya??
Michelle is a single mom, a hair stylist and, frankly, desperate.  How do you explain this to your little daughter?  "Mommy's gonna go hoar herself out to get you a daddy, honey.  Wish me luck!"
Raichel, who is a manscaper.  hahahahahah.  Has wax machine, and does travel.  Seriously, just the thought will make Brad's testicles crawl up and away.
Meghan is apparently a fashion plate.  Or just a shopaholic.  You decide.
And, perhaps my favorite of the season... Madison.  Who is a vampire. 

6 limos, 5 girls in each.  And, can I just start out by saying, who knew Fashion Bug carried such a wide variety of tacky prom dresses this season.  It's just one ho after another dragging their polyester dresses over the wet pavement.  C'mon, ABC, hire someone to mop!  God, my notes on this are endless.  We have the slapper, the one who jumps into his arms (didn't watch the season), the pinky-swear-you-won't-break-my-heart girl, the VERY COLD  high school history teacher, bad dressers, bad hairstyles, a rockette who really worked the street, red shoes from Kansas, "J" who is apparently smart enough to not use her real name, and, even a girl who can't snap her fingers!  WOWZA.  The clown circus in in town!! 

Chris: Is your wife in there??  Brad: Yes, sir, absolutely.  At least my first wife. 

Typical mixer, although no one (other than me) got really really drunk.  The manscaper waxes his wrist, Jackie sings, someone in a green dress asks if he can handle her big ass, the girls steal him, steal him back, steal him again, get him stolen. 

The black widow gets her time.  Very cryptic.  I have lurved and lost.  Uhuh. 

Ahhhh, he sits with the vampire.  He finally asks her what is up with the fangs.  She is totally insane, but I am guessing ABC gets a few vetos on who goes home tonight.  "Are you serious about being here, Fang?"  She's evasive but is totally serious.  Spoiler alert-he ends up keeping her.  Yea, he's looking for a wife.  LOL.

First impression rose goes to Ashley S, the southern belle who wants to be his friend and confidant.  She seems sincere.  Uhuh. 

Ding ding ding: time for the rose ceremony.

Will you accept a rose?
Michelle
Kimberly
Fang
Emily
Raichel
Keltie (rockette-she can get her ankles over her head.  Nuff said)
Ashley H
Meghan
Lisa M
Lindsey
Allie (Is my Butt to big??  No but your tits are...)
Sarah P
Marissa
Britt
Stacey
Shantel M
Jackie
Melissa

Brad, you have one rose left.

Shantell O.

Boooohooooooo.  Losers?  Don't let the door hit you in the ass.