Survivor: God Must Be Proud.

If it's Tuesday, it must be time for me to feverishly write up the Survivor blog!  Because, you know, God wants me to. 

So, right up at Savaii, Ozzie and Elyse are snuggling up in a hammock.  Smart strategy.  Jim sees it and is worried they are getting too friendly.  He runs through the jungle yelling "ROB AND AMBER, ROB AND AMBER" at the top of his lungs, straight up to the main strategizer, Woody.  Yo, Wood, Elyse is a variable we can't control.  She should go.  And, wow, IT WOULD BE A BIG MOVE IN SURVIVOR HISTORY.  That, in a nutshell is what Woody's whole life has been leading up to, and no doubt why GOD put him on this earth.    They shake.

Upolu.  Brandon, dude that Hanz family needs to be banned for life from reality TV shows.  "This game is all jacked up on Mountain Dew".  Ok, he didn't say that but name the movie it's from.  "This game is all jacked up with emotion!  My pride got to me!"  That and the apparently 7 voices in my head at all times.  "I shouldna did that".  (LOL I have been walking around saying that all week)  He goes AGAIN to apologize to Mikayla.  She's all, "What a freaking fool.  Think before you do something stupid!  But look who his uncle is... (literally, followed by a clip of swimming sharks). 

Brandon now goes to Edna and tells her he can't lie anymore, there's a core alliance between 5 people not 6,  and you are not in it.  She's upset.  However, unless they didn't show it, at NO TIME does she confront Coach. 

Now, I'm not a doctor, although I play one in my own medicine cabinet, but I have heard if you keep a chronic masturbator from wacking off hourly, you get this kind of  Brandon-esque behavior.  'S true.  You can google chronic masturbation.  Preferably from your work computer...LOL.

Savaii:  Tree mail.  Who wants to go to the 2 PERSON DUEL.  Woody wants to go.  Who else?  Crickets..... Jim says he'll go but he's worried about being too close to the Wood. 

They finally get bathing suits.  Dawn is happy because she hasn't gone swimming in her underwear because she is a mormon.  Well, that just disqualified her from being president of the United States.  She's also 40.  40..Forty...Four-Oh.  Forty.  So she thinks she's the Rudy of the tribe.  Rudy, who was like 65 years old. 

Before he leaves Jim starts to go on about maybe the tribe should pretend they are weak so that the other tribe starts to think they are weak... and Ozzy starts getting annoyed.  "Chill out Bro!"  Afterwards, Oz says no strategizing.  And Dawn thinks, hmmmm, that's be cause he already strategized without me. 

Duel:  Christine vs Papa Bear.  Papa seeing Wood and Jim "doesn't bother me in the least".  Also attending are Brandon and Edna.  Brandon has to apologize to her, and says he came clean to everyone else (about the Hanz thing, not the wanking thing), and he want to come clean to her.  She accepts it but doesn't buy it.

It's the sandbag toss on the wooden crate challenge.  Didn't we just see this?? 

Papa sucks it, Christine gets a really good lead, blows it, Papa comes on strong, it's tie, it's not, it's tie, it's not, it's tied at 9.....Christine wins!  Papa bear rambles on how this has all been a dream. 

Upolu:  Edna thinks she needs to be cautious and polite.   But she goes off trying to be just plain annoying as shit.  Just laughing, asking a bazillion questions, even agreeing to walk on Coach's back .  Stacey is annoyed. 

Which finally brings me to Stacey.  Ahhhhhhhhhh.  Stacey is one mofo hard ass.  Seriously, she reminds me of one of the women on Women of Cell Block H.  Like the mean one everyone was afraid of. 

Savaii: Woody talks to Dawn about when they were off the camp.  Any strategizing?  Dawn, "nope".  Woody, "we should do something..." Dawn wants Oz to go but would agree to Elyse too. 

Challenge, light blue. 

3 people from each tribe, 2 men 1 woman, have to hold a pole on their shoulders while the other tribe decides which person gets weight added to their poles.  Wanna know what you're playing for?  Chickens (1 rooster and 2 hens, which I hear are known as chickens)

Savaii: Keith, Jim and Dawn
Upolu: Brandon, Albert and Stacey

After 26 minutes, Brandon and Jim both have 200 lbs, Keith and Albert have 180 and the ladies (and I use that term loosly) each have 100.  Keith is the first out at 180.  Apparently 220 lbs is a Survivor record, and Brandon and Jim are about to tie it.  But first, Albert falls over.  So he's out.  240 lbs, a new record, and Jim then Brandon both are out.  It comes down to Dawn and Stacey.  BTW, I just checked.  Stacey is 44 years old.  But she shuts the hell up about it. 

Stacey has the pole sitting on her butt.  So she's good for hours.  Dawn is struggling, and ultimately shifts the pole down her back as well.  It's 44 vs 40...struggling....struggling..... But Dawn wins!!  Everyone is really happy for her!  Well, except Stacey...

Back at Upulu, Coach is saying all nice things about how great Stacey did, and how they just need to let it go and move on, and Stacey's all like, "screw you!!!"  Such a charmer.  Edna's all worried.  She asks Stacey if she should pack her stuff.  After a long pause Stacey says, "Girl, you ain't talked to me for days, I don't know what you should do". 

Coach talks to Stacey.  "Where do I stand".  "I'm not gonna lie to you, it's between Edna and you".  Stacey:" Well, I might not walk on your back but I do pull my weight..."  Stacey leaves then runs  into Brandon..."you better watch out, Mikayla, Sophie and Albert are talking..." 

Brandon runs right to Coach and says, "well we got us another problem".  "AGAIN???"  Brandon starts telling him what Stacey said and Coach loses it.  STOP IT!!  You're listening to someone on death row over your alliance.  This game is gonna get a lot worse so you gotta stop taking everything as fact".  COACH, WAKE THE HELL UP!!!!

Sophie "I gotta reshuffle some stuff.  Brandon is a mini Russell Hanz (which is redundant in itself)."  Coach..."he could ruin us all...I'm here for the 3rd AND POSSIBLY FINAL time (god lets hope so), and I can't trust him. 

Tribal, dark blue of course.

Stacey, I held on as long as I could
Coach, is it a good news/bad news being the one that held on but ultimately lost it?  Nope, Stacey wasn't on the fence today, she pulled her weight.
Sophie: Strength is defined by numbers and  by physical strength in this game.  So if you come down to the merge with the numbers, but with people you can't trust, that's not safe.

Jeff "let's try some group therapy"
Rick, what is most annoying about Albert?  HUH?  I'm just sitting here trying to get away without ever talking.  "I guess his snoring"
Brandon, what's most annoying about Edna?  She talks A LOT
Edna-does that ring true?  Nope
Edna, what's annoying about Stacey?  It's difficult to engage her.
Stacey-true?  "What this asian white girl want from me?  I open up when I need to and when I want to". 
Mikayla, what's annoying about Brandon..."Who his uncle is..."  Jeff, who is his uncle?  Russell Hanz.  "oh you told them??" 
Mikayla, blood's blood.
Brandon (cue the harp) "I'm proud of being a Hanz.  I love my uncle and he played well.  Sometimes we fight the temptation...I wanna be someone God is proud of... (oh for crap sake...was he treated like Carrie as a child, locked in the dark closet with the creepy Jesus picture staring at him all day??)  It all went down with my family when Russell went baaaaad.  I don't wanna be baaaaad I wanna reclaim the family name.  CrazyHanz. 

Albert: trust is what tonight's vote is all about.

And, OF COURSE I'm all about thinking lil Hanz is going to redemption island, where Jesus IS NOT, but nooooooooooo.

Stacey is voted off.  Coach wants everyone to hug her but she ain't having none of that!