Survivor: Crazy Ass Week 1

Yo Yo Yo!!!  How are y'all?  Welcome back to Survivor.  I'm Elayne Baker and I'm writing this while hanging out of a helicopter being just so damn cool in my lands end cargo pants and my Shore to Sea water shoes!  And, of course, my BLUE SHIRT.  Dayum, that shirt is gonna end up in the Smithsonian some day.  And I'm going to go down and light a candle every morning for my lover. 

But enough about me (as if!), 2 tribes, living together, ONE WORLD, with "no rules".  Hey, do they ever say where this place is? 

The 18 survivors and future hosts of The View are driven in in a truck. Come on out!  Bang, here's Colton, our lime green wearing gay diva.  And we have Greg who prefers to be called Tarzan.  Hey, wait just a damn minute, I'm TROYzan, there can't be 2 pathetic old men on this show! 

2 tribes, men vs women.  Men's tribe is called Manono.  Women's tribe is not called WOMANONO, but Salani which must be what the indigenous people call their whoo haaas. 

Tribes now get to take all the equipment off the truck. Girls throwing their shit on one side, boys throwing shit on the other side and Michael stealing from the women.  Michael is a banker, so it's just another damn day at Bank of America for  him! 

This season, there are hidden immunity idols but NO REDEMPTION.  Thank you JESUS.  Jeff sends them off in 2 different directions but they are headed to the same beach. 

Kourtney is wearing a cute little whale hat.  I just had to comment.  We also have Greg (Tarzan) who is a plastic surgeon and a little dwarf named Leif.  He's "a buff little dude". 

Alicia is a tough assed special ed teacher.  She assesses things and decides the 5 person alliance is herself, Kim, Chelsea, Sabrina and Kat. 

Once they get to the beach, it's all just crazy time.  First up, there are chickens running around so everyone takes off chasing them (how do they know there are never going to be chickens in ridiculous abundance running around)?  Someone yells, "let's work together and split the chickens".  Kim, who is one tough bridal shop owner grabs 2 with her bare hands.  And then the women try to negotiate with the men for the chicken.  Which totally misses off Matt, although I get the impression EVERYTHING is gonna piss off Matt. 

The men are on a massive build shelter thing, walking around topless carrying poles and shit.  Colton is just sitting on a log wishing had finished his sex change operation and could be on the girls team.  He is one miserable little izod wearing man.  He keeps heading over to hang with the women, Sabrina calls him Country Club Colton.  Matt isn't a  Colton fan.  Matt is a big fan of sitting talking to the camera with his legs spread real real wide.  Like there's junk in his pants that needs a LOT  of room to breathe. 

There is already a "frat boy alliance", consisting of Matt, Mike, "Jbird" and Bill.  That whole Jbird thing is on my nerves already.  Matt tells Colton if he's  useful as a runner between the 2 groups he "might get to stay".  Colton goes to the women and asks them for help-like sharing an idol clue or something. 

The men get fire.  It's still day 1 but the girls are all like nuts.  They keep going over to negotiate with the men for fire and shelter help. It's pissing me off big time and it's pissing the men off.  Sabrina offers fire for a chicken.  Tarzan says, "we're not charmed by you".  Troyzan doesn't need no chicken.  Tarzan does offer to build the little women a pole for naked pole dancing.  Seriously, later in the night a couple of the girls go over in their push up bras and ask if 'we can just sit  by the fire and get to know y'all".  That would be a no.  Monica and Christina go over later and steal fire, but it dies.  Finally, the next day Christina makes a deal that 2 women will weave fronds in exchange for a fire pit.  This pisses Alicia off.  Seriously,  I think Alicia's special item is a switchblade. 

Sabina finds an idol BUT, it's a boy only idol and she has to give it away before the next tribal.  So much for no rules!  She tells Colton who is pissing himself he's so thrilled. 

Challenge:  Jump off a 25 ft tower onto a new, walk across a balance beam and do something else.  "It's a big drop so keep your hands in and fall on your back".  I'll just skip to the chase on this one.  Kourtney falls hard on her wrist, and is pretty hurt.  She gets to the next stop but sits down dizzy.  Jeff stops the challenge and medical comes in.  They take Kourtney off for an xray.  Technically the game is over and the men have won but Jeff offers then the chance to do a good will offering and finish the challenge at a later time.  They say NO EFFING WAY.  More bad blood between the sexes.  The women are going to tribal tonight.

Sabrina talks to Colton,  Tells him there is the frat boy alliance and the other 4 lesser frat boys in an alliance and he's basically the swing vote.  He needs to take out the strong men first in order to save his ass.  She also gives him the idol.  "I love you, I love you too".  GAG. 

Sabrina tells the other women that even if Kourtney comes back into the game, she should go anyway.  Alicia is still mad at Christina and wants her out. 

Tribal.  Jeff is still in Blue.

Alicia: I'm glad because I prefer the company of women.
Kat: Everyone has a role in camp.  I'm in charge of fire.
Christina: I made a deal for fire
Alicia:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO a shady deal for fire went down. 
Christina: You're wrong so just shut up.  (OH NO SHE DIDNT).  We got fire and a better pit than we could have built.
Chelsea: Yes, Jeff, we are a totally disorganized mess of hell with no leadership.  Thank you for pointing out the obvious.  But, we're women so it's ok.
Monica: We have no leader.  We just chase the next shiny object all day long.  Oh look, SQUIRREL!!

Jeff: It's not funny!  You have no structure and the guys are watching it all play out! 

Jeff: So, Kourtney is OK but she has a broken wrist in a couple of places and needs surgery.  She's out.  No one else goes home tonight.  The good news is, it's only day 3.  The bad news is, there are 36 days left.  Namaste.