Survivor: Greatest Comeback Ever?

Oeoooooeoeoeoeeeoooeoeoeoeoeee

Someday I am going to figure out what the hell the lyrics are.  Or I'm going to make some up.  Personally I think it was the sound the natives on season 1 made when they saw the great white Probst.

So, the Philippines is not a place you want to go for your honeymoon because it apparently has miserable weather. 

This week: Will Matsing continue to SUCK or not?  They're down to 3 people, and no fire.  Russell predicts it's gonna be the GREATEST COMEBACK IN SURVIVOR HISTORY.  Uhuh. 

Yellow: Man that Abi Brazilian chick is a whack job.  Seriously, if the whole country of Brazil is like her driving must be INSANE.  She and her 5 minutes into the game BFF may not be so F anymore.  Pete says he wants to cause chaos to keep people off guard.  He actually plants the clue in RC's spilled bag so Abi could exclaim "WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR BAG RC" and totally sabotage her.  It's what I always say, RC, beware the first person in the dorm or the office that's overly friendly.  They're always the insane one. 

Red: So Jeff knows that Jonathan has the idol, and apparently that has changed his mind about getting rid of Jonathan first.  In fact, he does the whole bro thing and they form an alliance while "fishing" for giant clams.  They call over Carter-who is it me? or does Carter look EXACTLY like the dumb blonde kid from the Blue Lagoon?? Anyway, they shake hands and it's a boy alliance.  Which leads the girls to form their own alliance. 

Blue: Malcolm thinks Russell has met his low expectations.  Says he has no self awareness but they need him for his muscles.  Russell is suspicious of Malcolm and Denise since neither has approached him to form an alliance.  He decides to go back to looking for the idol, and Denise catches him digging near camp.  Hmmmmm.  She and Malcolm wonder if he has the idol so they go through his stuff. 

Yellow: the wild Brazilian insanity continues.  RC tries to talk to Abi who is all "I'm not a gonna talka to yoos". Pete is sucking it up. 

Challenge:  Only 3 people from each tribe get to do this one because of Matsux.  Each person has to carry 2 pots of rice through an obstacle course, placing them on stands.  Then one person on the tribe gets to smash them.  Wanna know what you're playing for?  Steak and veggies, or veggies and spices.  Either can be exchanged for a tarp.  Yellow and Red go with all men teams. 

First off, the Blue Lagoon dude is just freaking awful.  He smashes a pot right away, and falls on the obstacle course.  So Red is falling behind.  Blue, surprisingly is ahead for a while until the Yellow team gets their shit together.  Once it's Denise's turn, Blue falls behind them.  Red is pathetic.

On to the smashing part.  Yellow kicks ass and wins First Immunity.  It's down to the blue and red teams, with Malcolm and Jeff throwing.  It's down to ONE POT LEFT for each of them.  Malcolm swings and misses...Jeff swings and misses...Malcolm swings and misses...Jeff swings and tips the pot....AND SURVIVOR GOES ALL SLOW MOTION as the pot shatters.  Red wins second immunity.  AND OF COURSE RUSSELL LOSES IT.  He smashes the final pot, and starts yelling "LORD HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND".  Everyone is just looking over with embarrassment. 

Probst:  Dude, what is your problem??  You ain't a superhero, you're just a guy
Russell: That's just it, God made me in his image and I should never fail. It pisses me off to fail

Ok then.  The red team decides to forgo the veggies and take the tarp. 

Back on misery  beach, the scheming begins.  Malcolm tells Russell to "vote out Denise, we need to keep the athletes together". 

Denise and Russell talk.  Denise is a really good therapist, as she gets Russell to reveal some story about getting jumped and beat up as a little kid, and going to school scared.  Then he runs into one of the kids that jumped him and he flat out decks the kid, who begins to cry.  So, I'm all waiting for the whole redemption story, how he felt bad and realized we are all just frail children who act out but are good people, and how that kid became his best friend in life.  Instead he came to the conclusion to never back down and be afraid of anything.  Hmmmmm.  Anyway, Denise gives him a story about getting rid of Malcolm because he is a big social threat, and Russell EATS IT UP.  He thinks he's the swing vote. 

Tribal.  What will happen???

Denise: It's crazy Jeff
Malcolm: Ain't no telling what's gonna happen
Russell: Yea, I over reacted but it's a mindset.  I talked to Dr. Denise and I realized I'm good.  Nothing wrong with me.  Nope. 
Malcolm:  Yes, Jeff, I decided to throw the thingy at the pots and I blew it.  Thanks for pointing THAT out at tribal
Why you??
Denise: I'm strong physically and socially
Malcolm: I'm stronger, and younger and taller
Russell: He's a young threat.  I'm still a competitor with experience. 

Why get rid of Denise?  She's perfect, and at the end of the game in addition to voting for her people will be writing her personal checks to help with the taxes on that million dollars.  LOL. 

Vote.  Any idols?  Nope.  Bye bye Russell. 

Amazing Race Week 2

Welcome to Amazing Race!  It's been on long enough that Phil has finally learned to say "eliminated" in 'Merikan.  So, yea, week 1 didn't get written up.  Here's the low down.  Teams left CA to fly to Shanghai, so they are doing the race backwards this time around.  The team who comes in first on this leg has the potential to win 2 million dollars if they win the whole thang.  Unfortunately we are NOT doubling the pool winnings.  So, 2 flights to Shanghai, table tennis followed by and eating challenge where my idiot Monster trucker didn't read the clue, the search for an abacus, which no one can even pronounce anymore, the legless girl is too slow and Abby and Ryan come in first place.  Rob and Sheila come in last and are eliminated.  Got it?

Week 2 starts in Shanghai and I am starting to get a feel for these teams.  Fly to Indonesia and find the Alun Alun stadium.  Everyone SHOULD be on the same flight to Jakarta, except my asswipes Monster Truckers decide to fly through Hong Kong-never asking how long the layover is.  4 freaking hours.  Once in Jakarta there is an earlier flight but the Rockers end up being the only team on standby that gets on.  LOL someone is calling them "Long Hair-Don't Care". 

And of course, it's one of those everybody sit around until 8 am when the place opens.  Rockers get number 1, then everyone else but the truckers arrive.  Hmmmm, WHERE ARE THE TRUCKERS???  Yea, they're still on an airplane telling the cameraman that "we might be first".  Nope, you are dead last. 

But fortunately it's a pretty lame challenge where teams have to get on moterbikes and race bulls on a cart.  And I didn't zoom in but in order to get a pull to go FAST you either pull it's tail or repeatedly poke it in the butthole.  Even when you lose, you get the clue which is LAME.  So everyone finishes in the same order. 

Then it's on to a roadblock.  Who likes to Party??  Chose 4 kids and have them ride on a bicycle driven carosel while you make them balloon hats and poodles.  Apparently when Indonesian kids go to the park THEIR parent's don't STUFF them full of junk food because  no one vomited.  "Gays are naturally good at balloon animals", which is a comment I an soooooo not gonna touch, is also incorrect as the gay little goat herder falls waaaaaay behind.  And, what the hell is with the Indonesian girl in the Harry Potter glasses handing out the clues?? 

Take a taxi to the Wijaya Motor Shop (which has nothing to do with vaginas, much to my disappointment).  Nor does it have to do with Wijaya Tires, or Wijaya Brothers which are the other places dumb cab drivers chose to take people.  Apparently the Wijayas are a large mafia. 

It's a Detour (and is it me or is Phil no longer explaining the difference between a roadblock and a detour??).  Ice by the pound or Fish by the barrel.  In ice, teams have to deliver 10 65lb blocks of ice.  In fish, teams have to sort through 2 barrels of fish and set up a fish market stall.  Only the OH MY GOD SO FREAKING ANNOYING Sri Lanka girls do the fish.  Seriously, they are so goddamned annoying I cannot take it. 

Everyone else is doing the ice, while the little gay goater is still trying to make his first condom hat.  Lost are the truckers, the rockers and Amy/Daniel who have no nickname. 

The annoying Sri Lankers finish the fish first and find Phil.  They are team number 1 and Phil tells them they smell of fish, which is kinda rude.  They win the Express Pass.  One by one the teams finish the ice and make their way to the pitt stop.  The rockers finally find the ice.  Right about now the goaters finish the challenge and the little goater is all shaky and upset.  They arrive at the ice at the exact same time as the truckers, so they think it's a race to the finish.  Amy/Daniel are still lost-she asks if someone can call information and is told "there is no information in Indonesia". 

The truckers finish and it's just the goaters, who have dropped their ice and have to repack their cart.  Unbeknownst to them Amy and Daniel have arrived and are closing the gap with the ice.  CBS tries to make you think it's even close, with the big goater saying, "I'm not even going to run, let's just wonder through the market saying hi to everyone. 

They finally arrive at the pitt and Phil tells them they are only team 9, so they are all happy.  Amy and Daniel are team 10 and are sadly eliminated. 


1. Natalie and Nadiya    Jeff and Eileen
2. Trey and Lexi                Amy
3. Jaymes and James        Joanne
4. Abbie and Ryan            Ginnie
5. Josh and Brent            Susan
6. James and Mark         Betty
7. Caitlin and Brittany       Kevin and Matt
8. Rob and Kelley        Elayne
9. Gary and Will            Karen and John

Out
11. Rob and Sheila             Donna
10.Amy and Daniel        Lori

Survivor: Can I Haz a Cookie??

It's raining, it's pouring
Angie is whoring
She went to bed and humped his leg
And might get the boot in the morning.

Welcome back!!!  Is everyone caught up?  Jeff tells us once again that this season has DEADLY ANIMALS AND FEROCIOUS STORMS.  And a few ho bags. 

Blue has the blues.  They are Zaneless.  Now Denise will NEVER EVER get the story of the tattoos.  Russell has ONCE AGAIN decided to take a step back policy.  Angie and Malcolm have been snuggling, which is a nice term for dry humping.  Roxy is very very tired from watching them snuggle all night.  Malcolm admits when he first saw Angie's giant and fake breasts he was afraid he was gonna get bootie blind.  Roxy ain't happy, thinks it's a Booby trap.

Yellow. RC is nervous about the rice getting wet so she sticks her dirty hands into the rice bag to feel it up.  She ends up with the idol clue, which she is hiding when Abi sees her.  RC shares the clue with her but Abi is all Brazilian Getto on her.  Abi tells her she is too close to Mike.  RC says, "I think of Mike as my father, and anyway you are close to Pete".  Abi tells her "you're my friend but if you screw me over you are dead to me.  DEAD TO ME I tell ya".  LOL. I'm so glad my BFF Karen Sellman isn't Brazilian. 

Red: Jeff is struggling with his knee and the rain.  He's a freaking whiner.  Next he'll be complaining that this game is ONLY for one million.  So they are all sitting in the shelter, in the rain, and they decide to  make up a checker board.  Jonathan just wants them all to get the hell out of camp so he can find the idol.  Finally the kids all go to the cave to get dry and Jonathan goes off hunting.  Seriously, try this next week.  Close your eyes when he talks and tell me he does not sound exactly like Alan Alda.  He's crawling all over the place when someone comes back to get the flint so they can smoke a doobie in the cave, so he tells them he lost a lens and is looking for his glasses.  Question: do some of these people wear contacts??  And how unsterile is that??? 

Finally Jonathan goes back to the rice box, peels the emblem off of the top and finds it is actually the idol.  He's thrilled. 

Blue:  Malcolm and Survivor Barbie are still snuggling and Roxy is still pissed.  She tells Russell she wants her out.  She then talks to Denise about it.  Denise, who is in an alliance with Malcolm, is a little concerned that the tits will win out in the end.  Malcolm suddenly feels a weird vibe in the camp. 

It's raining on the Yellow tribe too.  Blair has a breakdown.  She's apparently shy and has had to rely on herself since she was 12 years old and went to LA for the Mickey Mouse Club.  Seriously, that mouse club is responsible for half of the drug addicts in LA.  Blair walks off to cry and all those mean people talk trash about her looking for the idol.  I'm rooting for Blair, totally. 

Blue and wet.  Roxy is having her meltdown.  Just sitting there doing nothing. "I thought being a good christian God would never let me get wet or cold".  Finally the sun comes out and she goes into her praying thing.  Denise isn't into prayer apparently.  "Is she speaking in tongues or what???"  Yea, kind of an uncomfortable  moment.  Russell and Denise are worried because she is weak. 

Challenge time.  2 people pull an apparently really heavy sled, load it up with puzzle pieces, drag it back 3 times.  One person is a caller and the other 2 do the 3 puzzles.  Wanna know what you're playing for??  Tarps and blankets for the first tribe, a tarp for the second. 

Russell asks Angie if she could run the sled thing twice.  She says no.  Roxy also says no because "I haven't had enough to drink".  Of course these 2 women can also not do puzzles so he has to use them in the sled.  And they suck it. 

After the second trip for pieces, Angie is just laying on the ground while everyone else works on the puzzle.  Lisa is a really good puzzler and does the calling.  Yellow comes in first!!  Yeah Blair!!!. and it's down to the wire but Red comes in second.  The blue team loses again and Russell freaks out, throws a puzzle piece and yells "I'm PISSED OFF.  Either go hard or go home.  These folks have to get their heads out of their butts". 

Back at camp he's still mad at both Angie and Roxy for saying they couldn't do it before they even tried.  But, he relies on Roxy for information.  Roxy goes all "gangster" on Russell about getting rid of Angie.  "She's Miss America all damn day long".  Personally I agree with her.  Malcolm and Angie watch her to gangster. 

Russell talks to the voice of reason, Denise.  "Angie isn't as innocent as she appears".  Denise is in the middle between the Russell/Roxy side and the Malcolm/Angie side, even though she has an alliance with Malcolm.  I'm hoping she takes him aside and tells him to stop thinking with his little Malcolm. 

Tribal:
Denise: Was Russell accusatory at the challenge?  Yes but I get it.
Roxy: What would you change about the tribe so far?  These people work to damn much.  Put too much energy into taking care of stuff. 
Denise-We need to work to be strong for the challenges
Angie: what would you change?  We could have cookies!
BLAAAAMMMM Jeff's head explodes.  WTF???
Malcolm: Um , cookies would be nice...
Jeff: Really??? In a game for a million dollars???
Russell-Jeff, she has wonderful tits but this whole thing is new to her. 
Roxy: There are friendships and somethin' somethins' going on between Angie and Malcolm.
Malcolm: WASSUP Jeff?  You know you are a playa as well.  We sleep together but we're just friends.  She's like a sister to me.
Roxy: well that's CREEPY. She's been a booby trap from the start.
Russell: whenever 2 people have a tight friendship it's dangerous. 
Angie: Well, Roxy can have her opinion.
Jeff: WAKE THE FUCK UP, TITS!!
Roxy: Even if there is only a small chance, it's dangerous.

Time to vote......and ROXY is out on her ass.