Survivor: Ding Dong!

Ahhhhh, I  really don't want this season to end!!!  Finale tonight and I will be watching!!  Especially because....

Ding dong
The witch is dead
Which old witch?
The fucking Brazillian one.

Sooooo, sweet little dufus Carter went last week instead of the horror. Abi thinks they believe that she has an idol.  LOL.  She has to rush off and bury it again while Malcolm and Mike laugh behind her back.  Malcolm's a little worried about Lisa saying she wanted to take people to the finale she can beat. 

Once alone with Lisa, Abi starts working on her.  "you're at the bottom and everyone can beat you".  Lisa is just planning on using her for information. 

Challenge:  Race over a slide twice, run into the ocean, get rings and do a ring toss. Wanna know what you're huffing out into the water for?  A helicopter ride, pizza and a big fish.  Spoiler alert-Mike wins from the very start.  He picks Malcolm and Lisa to go with him but promises Denise all of his food, and Lisa tells her "just leave me the dishes".  LOL, as if they are gonna go back and cook a Thanksgiving meal. 

Abi has the sadz.

Back at camp, it's Denise's worst nightmare.  "It's like a first date with the kid who used to spit on your food in grade school".  And Abi won't shut up!  She thinks Denise is a horrible person.  "I'm the swing  vote and nobody gets that...Next time is my last chance to use the immunity idol..."

Denise: "I want to hang myself".

On the reward, they are on a boat looking for whale sharks.  And eating/drinking.  Apparently Mike hasn't had sugar in 30 years but he downs a couple of "pops" and eats some cookies and is totally wasted. It's pretty funny.  Then the find the giant fish and go snorkeling around it.  Pretty cool.  Afterwards Malcolm starts talking about getting rid of Denise because nobody beats her.  Offers Lisa and Mike final 3.  I'm thinking it's an act to save his own ass. 

Next day, Denise is sick.  She has fang marks on her neck and is totally sore.  Personally, I think it was Abi.  Lisa and Mike pray with her but Abi is relieved. 

Immunity Challenge:  Use the rope bridge, get puzzle pieces and put together a puzzle maze. 

Malcolm is in the lead but at the last minute falls off the rope bridge and has to start over.  Denise is really close on the puzzle but Malcolm comes back and wins.  Oh, and Malcolm honey?  NEVER CUT THAT LONG HAIR OF YOURS.  God, if he can act, maybe Malcolm could play the dude in 50 Shades of Gray!!!  He had long hair redish brown hair.....or at least that's what I remember but I've only read it like 5 times....

So back at camp, and did I ever mention they named the tribe DANGRAYNE?  LOL.  It cracks me up every time.  Anyway, I'm starting my mantra: abiabiabiabiabiabiabiabiabiabiabi,,,,,,

They're sitting around the fire and a giant spark hits Mike. Abi's all SAD. 'I get no credit here".  She tells Mike and Lisa, "you two don't have a change against Malcolm and Denise...take me..." Mike says he'll think about it but OMG 3 more days of her??  Mike and Lisa talk about taking Abi instead of Malcolm or Denise to the finals.  Lisa wants to take Abi along BUT they  need Denise's strength to possibly keep Malcolm from winning the final immunity challenge. 

Denise asks Malcolm for his extra immunity idol, but he tells her "she won't need it".  Hmmmmm. 

At Tribal:

isa tells Jeff that Abi was totally working it today.  Jeff asks Abi if she's in trouble tonight: "you've been detested and laughed out".  LOL!  Abi still thinks they should take her to the end.

Denise: Sure, if you want someone who hasn't outwitted, outlasted or outplayed
Jeff: But she has...
Denise says she was just lucky that the yellow tribe didn't go to tribal, which gets Lisa's hackles up.  "It wasn't luck but hard work and strength that kept us out of tribal".

Malcolm says that at this point in the game, winning takes over your mind. 
Abi:  They can't beat Denise or Malcolm.  Lisa and Mike are not winning. 
Mike starts to talk but Abi interrupts to say, "No, you are an idiot, that's why you are going to lose a million dollars.
Jeff: Wow, you are a total tool.
Abi:  You are a moron, Mike. 
Mike: That's just Abi's way of communicating...
Lisa: I'd take her to the finale....
Malcolm: Keep in mind, people have used that strategy and that horrible person has won.  WHICH IS WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING ALL WEEK!!!
Abi:  It's just my strategy.  Denise is playing to be elite.  She's just here to make friends.
Denise: "Um, NO, I'm here to win a million dollars. 

Time to vote!  Abi, ya wanna play that "idol" of yours?  Apparently NOT. 

Ahhhhhhhh, Abi is voted off.  Mike literally dances away. 
           

Survivor Update: Full on Hating that Bitch

I can't even remember if I blogged last week or not, but bottom line is Abi is in, Penner is out and Abi is still lying about a 4th immunity idol.  And speaking of Abi, can you believe that the Pope's first tweet was"Man, that Abi is a total bitch". 

Ok, so Abi thinks her days are numbered.  She tries to work on Carter , tells him she as an idol.  He's not into her.

Lisa is all confused, as only Lisa can be totally confused every week.  She believes what Penner was saying at the last tribal that Malcolm and Denise are too strong for her to beat.  Mike tries to convince her that Penner was just saying that to get her doubting herself.

Challenge:  Oh, it's the family one.  One by one out comes family members.  Mike's son, Carter's HOT 5 ft tall mom, Denise's husband, Lisa's brother, Abi's mom and Malcolm's brother.  Ok, I'm totally not sure it really was Abi's mom or the maid from the Philippine Hilton.  She no hablo engleeees and has  NO CLUE where she is or what the show is about.  At least Abi didn't haul off and slap her.  Lisa "falls into her brother's arms" and weeps.  Jeff, who now spends his time all estrogen-ed out on the talk show, is all emotional.  GROW A PAIR, JEFF!!!

The survivors throw a muddy ball to their loved one, who in turn throws it to knock down pins.  It's amazingly close, except for Abi and the maid.  Malcolm wins  immunity.  He gets to bring his brother back to camp for the night.  He also gets to bring 2 other couples, and he picks Lisa and Mike. 

Malcolm's brother is kind of a clown, and is telling lots of stories which has Malcolm worried. 

Lisa talks to her bro about everything and he's all "why are you playing nice?"  He asks why she wouldn't vote out Malcolm, and why she, Mike, Abi and Carter don't form an alliance and pick off Denise and Malcolm.  She says "I gave them my word".  "But you tried to vote him off before and he understood".  Lisa's all excited because her brother somehow "gave her permission to play the game". 

Lisa and her bro talk to Mike and his son and they decide to ambush Malcolm.  And then they pray.  'Jesus would look like Malcolm but play like Carter". 

Malcolm's a little nervous something's going on.

Challenge:  Walk across a balance beam to a platform in the water, hook 3 bags, bring them back to shore and build a pole to poke a target. 

It's close except for Abi who is taking her sweet time.  Jeff's totally yelling at her.  I can't figure out if she is actually lame or if she is acting like, "I have an idol so I don't have to rush". 

Bottom line, Malcolm wins immunity and, with the idol he already has, is definitely in the final 4.  Back at camp Lisa is all "when god closes a door..." and "we prayed that God would tell us if this was the right thing".  She's talking to Mike and in the middle of her sermon he just says, "hey look at the huge ass ant".  LOL. 

Mike and Malcolm talk.  Abi or Carter?  Should they go with peace around the camp or strategy?  Carter comes walking up and they tell him what they were talking about. He reminds them that they have always said they didn't want to take the hated person into the finals just to win. 

Abi is at camp being a bitch, as usual.  Denise is all, "can you just give it a damn rest?"  Abi says "I guess I'll just have to play my hidden immunity idol..."  Malcolm calls her a soul sucker, while Mike says she has every psychological condition rolled into 1. 

Abi, business student and future CEO of a large bank: " If you tell a lie long enough, people start to believe it". 

Tribal:
Malcolm says he feels safe but he's glad he has the immunity necklace. 
Carter says they should pick him instead of Abi because he is "worthy"
Mike says he really likes Carter and it'd be like voting off his son.
Lisa reverses course and says that she'd rather sit next to someone she could beat.

Abi just keeps repeating like a parrot "I have the 4th immunity idol".
Denise: Yea, but no one's seen it and she isn't leveraging it.  Why relationship with Abi?  It's improved but not enough to keep her.
Abi laughs, and Jeff totally thinks she's a crackpot. He asks Denise if Abi can win, and Denise says NO but personally I'm not that sure she wouldn't get votes for hanging in. 

Vote.  Anyone have an idol??  Apparently not...  And, Carter is voted out :(

Amazing Race: Final 4

Yo yo yo!!  Where've you all been?  I've been writing awesome updates in my head but unfortunately they haven't gotten written down in a few weeks.  So, tonight is the 2 HOUR FINALE!  Final 4, which should be final 3 but we can hope the twinnies get the ax early tonight. 

Last week started in Amsterdam, which  makes it even more amazing that the stoner goat herders even made it to the pitt stop.  I have to say, they are getting on my damn nerves!  Last week, if you remember, the had a chance to finally get ahead of Abbie and Ryan, who YET AGAIN got the shaft in Frankfurt, but they decided to "stay and work together".  ARGH!!!  Do you want to win a million or what???  Fortunately Abbie and Ryan had been double whatevered and had to do both roadblocks/detours.  I can't remember which is which without Phil telling me.  Gawd, I thought the Goats were gonna wait for them for finish!  But, alas, the bogus "this season is for 2 million dollars" marketing ploy is kapput. 

Teams have to fly from Amsterdam to Barcelona,Spain and take an OVERNIGHT ferry to the Isle of Mallorca.  Twins have a big advantage and get a 6 am flight, next team gets a 7:20 flight, followed by a 7:55 flight.  No idea what time the Goats got a flight BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER since they have ALL DAY in Spain to lay on the beach and relax.  Twins, Lexi/Trey and the Chips are all happy to be together and playing in the ocean. 

They all meet at the ferry and these 3 teams are thrilled that the Goats beat out Abbie and Ryan, since everyone knows the Goats don't have the balls to win.  Once in Mallorca they have to find a band of very strange and scary people pretending to be Devils and Demons.  Yea, it's kinda freaky.  The clue says they are to drive to Central de blah blah blah, which is a sports complex.  The 3 amigos decide to follow each other, but the one TWINNIE who was supposed to learn stick thought it was easy and skipped her lessons.  She can barely get out of the parking lot. 

Once at the tennis complex, one member has to return 20 tennis balls, in bounds, because someone from Mallorca was a big deal tennis player. 

Trey knows how to play tennis!  The ball shooter thing goes really fast, and you only get one "bucket" of balls to get to 20, or you have to start over again.  Trey does it on the first try.  Next up is James, who's not the tennis player.  It takes him 2 rounds to get to 20.  Clue:  Drive to the Cove de Campaneta.

Next to arrive are the Goats, and the tall Goat, with the bad ankle, chooses to play tennis.  He obviously sucks.  And he's lame ass, and he is such a whining moaner the little goat says he sounds just like Monica Seles.  After the first or second round he has to sit drinking Evian and breathing hard. 

Twins arrive then.  And it's all COME ON TWINNIE, MOVE YOUR ASS TWINNIE.  Apparently they skipped the tennis lessons their parents paid for as well.  Goat dude gets his shit together and he gets done first. 

At the coves, which are caves, teams have to find the music playing.  Not really difficult but there are 2 dudes playing guitar and the don't stop or say anything.  Clue:  Detour:  Spin it or Bull it.  In spin it, teams have to repair a giant windmill;  in bull it teams dress up as a bull and have to go around 8 matadors and butt a target at the end. 

Both the Chips and Lexi/Trey decide to do the bull thing, but the Chips actually drive in the wrong direction and end up at the windmills.  Lots of tawdry jokes about them dressing as construction workers in their jobs but they really did know how to put the windmill together.  They finish first and are told to head to the Pitt stop, a 14th century castle.

Trey and Lexi do the bull thing, which requires one person to be the blind half of the bull and the one in back yelling which way to go.  It's pretty easy and you have 2 minutes to get through it.  At the final part, where the bull is supposed to just touch a target to release the bullfighter, Trey tells Lexi to run towards it, to ram it, and they crash into it.  She cuts her finger and is totally PISSED OFF.  They have to do it again. 

It's a race the Pitt stop, but Trey/Lexi come in first place, followed by the Chips. 

Down to Twins and Goats. Both choose to do the windmill, and the Twins are all cocky since they they think the guys are a bunch of weaklings.  Turns out, owning a goat farm means you have to repair farm equipment all the time, and they kick ASS on it.  Twins are hopelessly stupid, attached stuff wrong and just are lame. 

Goats are team #3!!  And, here come the Twins.  PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE, Phil, give them the BOOT!!!

ACK!!!!!! Yet another non elimination leg!!!  Twins are still in the race!!!  BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Good luck to the final 4!!!!!

1. Trey and Lexi                Amy
2. Jaymes and James        Joanne
3. Josh and Brent            Susan
4. Natalie and Nadiya    Jeff and Eileen

Out
11. Rob and Sheila             Donna
10.Amy and Daniel        Lori
9. Caitlin and Brittany       Kevin and Matt
8. Gary and Will            Karen and John
7. Rob and Kelley        Elayne
6. James and Mark         Betty
5. Abbie and Ryan            Ginnie