Survivor: Ding Dong the Ding Dong is Dead

Hello, and Happy Survivor Day!  Hope you have all sobered up from your St. Paddies Day celebrations.  And by all I mean Matt.  LOL. 

Another fine episode of BBB last week.  After Brice flew off like a gay butterfly Morgan is mad at Jeremiah for turning against her.  She asks J why he voted for Brice in public, and he explains he had to stay with his original alliance. He's pissed she made him admit that, and by pissed I mean mildly confusingly not very bright annoyed.  Morgan tries to stir the pot by telling Alexis that Jeremiah originally was pushing for her because he wants to take over the tribe from LJ.  LJ hears this and perks up his little beautiful ears.  Alexis is now not trusting Jeremiah. 

Treemail. Something about "seeing" and everyone gets that it's the blindfolded challenge.  Because as we all know,  THERE ARE NO NEW CHALLENGES TO BE INVENTED.  The "Brains" tribe walks around practicing. 

Challenge: it's the caller leading blindfolded people through an obstacle course made up mainly of groin height boxes and barrels, with the added twist of the need to hoist the 5 recovered items up to the caller.  It's for reward only.  Chickens for the winners and a dozen eggs for the second tribe. 

It's a ball buster, basically.  Poor LJ gets hit in the privates so many times he's about to lose his logo "Hung like a  Horse Trainer".  The brain tribe is surprisingly doing well, basically because Jtia is kept to she sidelines and only gets to help hoist.  Beauty as usual kicks ass and ends up in first.  It looks like an easy win for Brains but they allow Brawn to come from behind in what Jeff calls AN UNBELIEVABLE AND UNPRECEDENTED RECOVERY.  Because the Brains have to rely on Jtia to hoist the flag, and she basically isn't able to lay a flag on a big giant wooden raft, the Brawn team wins the dozen eggs.  Spencer is furious. 

The beauty team arrive at camp with their 3 hens and a rooster.  Jeremiah finds the idol clue and reads it out loud, annoying LJ.  LJ has the idol but thinks it would have become a community property idol had they all found it.  I'm not even sure if anyone went looking for it!  The beauty tribe live up to their stupid stereotypes by trying to figure out how the eggs keep coming from the hens.  Do you need the rooster?  Do they need to have sex?  Are eggs asexual?  LJ solves the problem by pointing out that since dinosaurs also had eggs, the egg came before the chicken.  Jeremiah twists the head off the chicken, pretending to be a farm boy.  He's actually just a male model and none of them can figure out if they killed a hen or a rooster. 

Sarah is still obsessed with the Cliff/Lindsey story Tony told her.  She wants Cliff gone, to the point of talking to Woo about it.  Woo and she agree that he doesn't need the money, and decide it's their time for some bling.  Woo, although a good buddy of Cliff, is willing to affiliate himself with the majority.  Tony sees them talking and has a little panic attack.  He approaches Sarah who tells him Woo is with them.  So, basically it's 4 against 2 in their eyes. 

Treemail:  Sink or Swim.  They all think it has something to do with basketball.  Sarah wants to throw the challenge to get rid of Cliff.  She talks to Malnutrish, who's all whatever.  Woo isn't really into it but he has no principles apparently. 

Challenge:  floating platforms, swim down and untie 5 buoys, and then sink 5 shots in the basketball thingy. 

Sarah spends a lot of time in the water "trying" to untie one of the buoys, and she "can't get it".  Swims back. Malnutrish has the same problem.  They both lose a lot of time.  But unfortunately for their plans, the Brains team really is that bad.  Jtia, surprisingly, can't get the easy buoy.  Neither can Kass.  Or Tasha.  Basically Spencer has to get all of the buoys, totally ignoring the girls. 

Beauty is already shooting basketballs.  Still drama and slowness on the Brawn tribe.  Woo kicks it up and gets a buoy, as does Cliff.  It's a shootout between Spencer and Cliff, yet Jtia and Kass can't return the balls to Spencer very fast. Jtia even accidentally kicks it outside of the "court" area.  It's a disaster.  Cliff makes the 5 baskets and Brawn wins immunity.  Sarah points out that even TRYING to throw the game Brains suck too badly. 

Spencer feels gypped. "The girls are in the power position but all they do is run the tribe into the ground".  It's obviously between Spencer and Jtia.  Kass and Tasha talk.  "What is the logic of getting rid of Spencer??"  They both agree there is none, but they decide not to tell Spencer he is safe for fear Jtia will get nervous and lose her shit again.  They talk to Jtia to blow smoke up her ass and she's all LOYALTY.  Tasha starts to waver.  Hmmmmmm, maybe a crazy ass black woman with loyalty and nothing else really is better??? 

Kass doesn't really give a shit.  "Just make a decision and stick to it".

Tribal

Jtia:  I did my best today, but swimmin' isn't really my thang. 
Tasha:  Not sure what her thing is, she is always weak
Jtia:  I'm only weak in challenges but I got that whole outplay and outwit thing going for me
Jeff:  You kinda forgot the whole OUTLAST part there.... If you keep losing, none of you will be left.
Tasha:  blahblahblah strength or loyalty
Kass:  the rice thing was an emotional response.  I've been there,  Jtia just makes bad decisions
Spencer:  the rice thing doesn't bode well.  Unpredictability is dangerous.  I'm with them.

At this point Jeff points out that neither Kass or Tasha are listening, instead they are having a conversation about which way to vote. 

Spencer:  It's crazy and it's scary
Kass:  as someone sitting on the couch I'd be loving this.  Who knows which is the stupid move??  UM PRETTY MUCH ALL OF US WATCHING KNOW KEEPING JTIA IS A STUPID MOVE.
Spencer:  I'm loyal and I want to win challenges.

Time to vote.....  aaaaaand, leaving tonight is Jtia.  Now, I'm wondering if she left Survivor on that mysterious missing plane because some terrorist organization totally wants an insane rice burning woman with a background in nuclear engineering.....has CNN thought of THAT angle yet???

Survivor:How Do I Really Feel?

Greetings, and welcome to Survivor Wednesday!!  Yes, yes, one of these days I'll get this email sent out earlier in the week but, HEY NOT THIS TIME! 

Ok, so last time we spoke, the shit-for-brains team decided to keep a lunatic who dumped all of their rice.  Because of GIRL POWERZ or something.  Spencer is now the odd man out. Jtia (note:  I'm not even dignifying her with 2 capital letters) notes that "this tribe is a disaster".  Ya think?  And why would that be nuclear engineer??  Kass agrees to go with an all girl alliance.  Says, "YOU CAN ALWAYS REPLACE RICE",  and Jtia is loyal.  WTF???  YOU CAN ALWAYS REPLACE RICE???  With what??  Again, my major annoyance with this show lately is the total and utter lack of medically dangerous starvation.  Kass thinks because they saved Jtia, that she will somehow feel beholden to she and Kitty.  But that's the problem with psychopaths like Jtia.  The mere fact that they owe loyalty to someone else makes them infuriated.  And then dangerous. 

Over on Brawn, Tony finally tells Sarah that he is a cop.  She says she has cop-dar.  Tony works her-"imagine a 2-cop alliance".  She pledges loyalty.  And just to seal the deal he lies to her about Cliff and Lindsay wanting to get rid of her. 

STORM.  Yea, it's just rain so this snow weary girl isn't really that upset for them.  Woo is all EXCITED.  Woohoo, it's REALLY SURVIVOR BABY.  These people are worse than the "fans" -they can't WAIT for the game to get all miserable and deceitful.  Dude, it's gonna get bad enough soon enough.  Chill. 

Tony is still working Sarah.  He has an entire story concocted about Cliff and Lindsay.  They form the Blue Blood Alliance.  It's like curling up with a nice snake. 

And now over to the Beauty tribe, and thank you Mark Burnett for ACTUALLY accompanying this tribe with nice lilting background music.  Pageant girl is all upset. " It's a survivor nightmare".  NO, IT'S SURVIVOR.  LT doesn't think much of the girls.  "They don't do anything".  LT leaves the wet shelter and finds the idol.  Which is apparently not that well hidden! 

Treemail: It's a water throwing challenge.  Kitty makes everyone go into the water and "practice".  Which basically means Kass, Spencer and Jtai throw water at her cleavage. 

Challenge.  And, yes, it's the throw water into a bucket (actually throw a bucket from one to another, then throw the water to the third person), fill a cylinder up to release a ball and then complete a totally awesome vertical puzzle.  Wanna know?  Comfort and a tarp for the first team, and a tarp for the second team. 

Spoiler alert-the practice did not help the brains tribe.  They really suck.  Beauty comes out ahead and goes to the puzzle, followed by Brawn.  At this point I swear the producers just gave Brains the water because I never say them amass enough to raise an olive let alone the ball.  Brawn kills the puzzle and wins the comfort,  Fortunately Brains kept Jtia a loooong way away from the puzzle, and they come from behind to beat the beautiful people and win the tarp. 

Tony carries the goods back to camp and once again searches and finds the clue.  "These people are idiots".  They set up their Pier 1 Imports Survivor collection and the place really does look like a homey hell hole.  Sarah tries out the hammock and lands on her ass. 

And so now it's time for the beautiful people to scramble.  "The energy is about to turn dark".  It's apparently a choice between Morgan and Brice.  And now, the moment you have all been waiting for......Brice.  First up, on what criteria is Brice considered beautiful?  I just do not see it,  and puleeeaaaaze stop with the he's all fashionable.  He dresses like a character from an  80's sitcom on the CW network.  He says he is more than beautiful, he is "a social threat".  LMAO.  And he says that in his most annoying voice.  I seriously cannot stand him. 

Morgan thinks Jeremiah is with them.  They need to bring  in Jefra,  Is Jefra one of the Dugger kids?  Like once they ran out of good J for jeebus names??  Morgan talks to Jefra who is all confused.  Mostly because she thought her whole job was to be beautiful and not, like, to think.  She's all, people have alliances???  Jefra talks to Jeremiah, who tells her no, we're sticking with the original alliance, although he doesn't want to vote against Morgan.  They decide to split the vote, so it would be a 2-2-2 tie, and then to vote out Brice for the win. 

Jeremiah wants to take over the tribe.  From I guess LJ.  But he's upset because "somebody's feelings are gonna get hurt".  Awwwww.  Bless his HOT little heart.  Seriously, this dude is HOOOOOT IMO.  Like he could go 50 shades of whatever color he wants on me.  He reminds me of one of the older brothers on another 80's show-like one of those 8 is enough or something shows where there was always a hot older brother who you just KNEW was borrowing the big family station wagon and banging the HELL out of the cheerleader team, and then smiling as he drove his little brothers and sisters around in the studly sperm mobile. 

Tribal.  Jeff is in blue but, meh, I have  Jeremiah on my mind. It is perhaps the most boring tribal ever. 

ARE YOU JUST BUNCH OF BEAUTY CLICHES?  Um, probably although nobody on this tribe knows what the words cliche means. 
Brice: I'm beautiful.  I'm like a beautiful caterpillar who has turned into a beautiful butterfly, flying around being beautiful and eating plants.  LMAO-THAT is almost a direct quote. 
Jefra:  This has been like a big fraternity party, but without the keg and the group sex.  Then there was a storm.  And now there is paranoid.  And apparently there was strategery but I wasn't aware of anything because this beautiful butterfly was annoying the shit out of me.
Brice:  There were formalized groups yes.  Me and Morgan (MORGAN AND I YOU ILLITERATE SHIT) were on the outs.  Alexis has never talked to me.  And I'm, like?  Social?  Everyone should pull their weight DOT DOT DOT harumph.
Brice: TALK ON THE TOWN is there may be idols. 
Jeremiah:  Whatever happens, I'm gonna have the sadz.  But my hair is gonna look GREAT. 

Jeff is basically out of "tough" questions.  Time to vote. It's a 3 way.  Tie that is.  Revote....and Brice gets to fly off but not before standing and staaaaring at Jeff for such a long minute I thought he was gonna go in for the tongue. 

SURVIVOR: BEAUTY, BRAWN AND......

DUMBASSES.

Welcome to week 1 (and 2) of this season's Survivor, where apparently Jeff is still gonna TALK ALL THROUGH THE CHALLENGES. 

The good news?  NO REDEMPTION AND NO RETURNING PLAYERS.  The bad news?  THESE PLAYERS.  Let me just do a little recap for ya.  We have a police officer who's a liar, a hairstylist who looks like Bob Marley on a bad day, a chick with a freaking hello kitty bow in her hair, and anorexic Pilates instructor, a gay Urkel and on and on.  OMG, the nicknames write themselves. 

So, 3 teams of 6 each which means no one can hide early.  Jeff is all,  ooooooh, it's Brains, Beauty and Brawn, think you can guess which one you are??  Choose a leader.  Beauty goes with LJ, Brawn goes with Sarah and the "Brains" go with David because he is wearing a blazer.  Now, the leaders get to pick off the weakest on their tribes.  LJ picks Morgan because in the world of beauty you can be hot or cute, and hot can't be trusted.  Sarah picks the anorexic old lady, Trish.  Blazer man David picks Garrett, who is like Stretch Armstrong with apparently a brain ( extra points if you remember Stretch).  He chooses him because he's already playing the last 2/3 of the game. 

In a twist, the weakest are the first to get helicoptered to camp.  And, of course, they get a choice of an extra bag of rice or the clue to an idol.  Garrett takes the clue, and finds the idol.  His body and head ratio is wrong is some way.  Anyone??

Trish takes the rice.  Not that she eats carbs or anything.  Morgan takes the clue and has no luck finding the idol.  She tells the tribe that she had a choice and she chose fishing gear, rice and shelter.  Which brings me to the point of complaining about how much luxury these people are starting out with.  I mean, a BOAT???  WTF??  Why do I think reward challenges are gonna be for electricity, refrigeration and a Keurik system??  LJ doesn't trust her.....

The beauty tribe bangs out fire.  Mostly by staring at the logs with all of their good looks. 

Anorexic tells everyone she took the second bag of rice instead of the idol.  Which basically tells everyone there IS an idol.  The get to work banging out a shelter. Wooo recognizes Cliff as a basketball player, which is so amazing since he's 8 feet tall and there usually are former athletes on Survivor.  Sarah and Tony have this strange conversation where she asks him if he's a cop and he repeatedly denies it.  She is a cop as well.  I think she smells the donut residue on his fingers.  She thinks he's a liar. 

On Brains, the nuclear engineer, J'Tia tells everyone she has a total plan for building shelter.  She's a bossy pain in the ASS, alienating everyone AND the shelter falls apart before any weight is put on it. 

Challenge.  It's a pull a cart, get keys, unlock chests and carry them through an obstacle course and then, DO A PUZZLE.  There are gonna be a lot of puzzles this season.  Question- I see the advantage of brawn and brains in the challenges but how are they gonna do a beauty advantage challenge?  Catwalk?? 

Bottom line, brains SUCK.  Or as Jeff says, "DISASTER....UNBELIEVABLE.....NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF SURVIVOR...." and other bullshit.    Beauty comes in first, and gets more fire, brawn comes in second and gets flint and brains gets to go to tribal. 

David wants Garrett out.  Kass wants J'Tia,  I want J'Tia out.  Kass tells her, "I think you should go".  JTia gets all hurt and shit, can't handle THE TRUTH.  Why do I get the sense the world has always been telling her how "special" she is?  She and hello kitty girl commiserate, and Garrett small head joins them.  He thinks David is a threat and sets off to orchestrate his demise.  Garrett talks to Spencer who is kind of a pussy, frankly.  He's afraid David has an idol. 

Tribal.  Get your torch because IN THIS GAME FIRE IS YOUR LIFE.

JTia is all I know you are gonna be up my ASS Jeff  because I'm in danger.  I had a big plan for the shelter and it didn't work.
David: She came out strong.  It was all going well for her.... until it was not.
JTia gets all defensive.  I had a plan.  I'm really a relationship person.  LMAO
Jeff: DAVID, YOU PICKED GARRETT AS WEAK RIGHT OFF THE BAT??
David: Yes, I'm playing my end game now.
Garrett: Yea, that sucked because as everyone can see, I'm Stretch Armstrong with a tiny head chock full of brains.
David: He ain't going anywhere tonight.
JTia: It's the first part of the game we should be playing, so David should go.
Spencer, DO YOU WANT TO SAY ANYTHING?  Yes, Jeff, it is a big vote.  Blah blah, trust. 

Vote:  David is blindsided. 

Back at camp for another hour of this.  Garrett is all THIS IS NOT FUN.  I AM NOT BEING AMUSED.  THERE  HAS NOT BEEN ANY SURVIVOR STRATEGERY YET.

He and Spencer are together.  They shake hands with Kass who is like, I'm everyone's #3. 

 Brawn:  Cliff and Woo go fishing.  In a giant BOAT that just happened to be in their camp.  It's ridiculous.  They tip it over and Cliff has a great laugh.  Everyone loves Cliff except Tony, in his red underwear, which have burned my eyes. 

On Beauty, purple wearing gay Urkel is droning on about, god knows what.  Jeremiah and Morgan flirt, because basically that's all the beautiful know how to do. 

Back on Brawn, Trish tells Lindsay (aka Bob Marley) to get wood.  Big cat fight ensues with Lindsay calling Trish MalnuTrisha.  LOL.  And, another nickname is born.  Trish storms off to find Tony, and they bond over their totally not cool with the youngsters vibe.  Tony is busy building a SPY SHACK.  So he can sneak up on people in the shelter and overhear them. Cliff is his target. 

Another Challenge.  Swim out to a cage, climb in, untie something, get fish traps, swim them back to shore and then....wait for it........PUZZLE TIME.  This one is a REALLY HARD FISH PUZZLE.  Wanna know?  Basically an entire fish kitchen in a basket.  You know, the kind of reward saved for the end when people are hungry?  Yea, that.

JTia is a slow swimmer but somehow they pick up time and end up getting their traps first.  IT'S AN EXHAUSTING CHALLENGE.....YOU ARE GONNA NEED TO REALLY DIG.......

The brains are back on shore first and, hey, it's a puzzle so this is gonna be a slam dunk.  Except they let JTia do the puzzle.  And, she is a freaking idiot.  They have a long advantage where she gets nothing, and then Brawn shows up and Sarah bangs out the puzzle to win.  JTia is still shuffling fish around.  LJ comes from behind and Beauty takes second place.  JTia I think still only had 1 piece.  JTai: " I let my tribe down".  Ya think???

Brawn takes the basket of Long John Silver back to camp, and then searches through the basket to find the idol clue.  No one else apparently thinks about it.  He runs to the pond and finds the idol. 

Ok, so now for the meat of this show.  The Shit for Brains tribe.  Everyone is sitting in the shelter and Garrett says, "I'm saying JTia".  Let's do this without any side conversations.  He pushes Kass to announce that she is aligned with him and she says reluctantly, "yea, probably JTia".  Spencer agrees but thinks the open forum is totally ridiculous.  Hello Kitty has a meltdown.  I WANT CONVERSATIONS.  THIS ISN'T THE SURVIVOR I SIGNED UP FOR WITH THE SIDE CONVERSATIONS AND THE MANIPULATIONS.  Yep, another smart person who always gets her way.  Kitty has the SADS because Garrett and the other ones DON'T WANT TO PLAY THE GAME THE WAY SHE DOES.  She literally cries. 

Spencer thinks Garrett is an idiot.  Now we have to babysit JTia and Kitty.  Garrett wants everyone to just sit together so no one can talk.  What a total meathead.  Kitty and Kass end up at the water and Kitty starts working on Kass.  Says they can be one and two and that if they get rid of Garrett this week she PROMISES that JTia will be next.  Garrett and Spencer wander down to the water and confront them. 

Kass:  YOU DUMB ASSES LEFT JTIA ALONE???????  JTia goes all Brandon Hantz and dumps the rice in the fire.  Kass walks up and says, "who dumped the rice, the RICE FAIRY????"  JTia:"That's what happens when you leave crazy alone".  Garrett is all, "hey, it wouldn't have happened if we had all stuck together".  And no one is really that upset that THERE IS NO RICE. 

Tribal

SO I CAN SEE FROM YOUR FACES SOMETHING IS UP
Spencer: Garrett wanted an open forum, which was not a good idea
Tasha:  I wanted to talk to JTia
Garrett:  I wanted Kass to know we were with her.
JTia:  ok, ok, ok, Jeff, I threw the rice into the fire.  Not my best moment. GET OVER IT PEOPLE
Tasha:  She's volatile which is why I didn't want them to tell her she was going.
Jeff:  THIS IS WHY BLINDSIDES WORK.
JTia:  You spanked my ass publicly Garrett
Kass:  They are all paranoid.  Garrett left her alone when we went to wash our feet.
Tasha:  I FEEL STIFLED,  STIFLED I TELL YA. 
Garrett:  Tasha was upset about our alliance, I mean our tribe.
Kass says she is not in the alliance with Garrett.
Garrett says, "we shoot hands on day 4"
Spencer:  He said it now....
Garrett tries to say Kass approached Spencer and him but Kass insists that isn't the way it went down. 

Time to vote...... Garrett is the second person voted out.  Which begs the question, HOW BAD DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO GET VOTED OUT OVER A CRAZY WOMAN WHO DUMPS YOUR RICE????????

Jeff:  It's the ODDEST TRIBE EVER.