DUMBASSES.
Welcome to week 1 (and 2) of this season's Survivor, where apparently Jeff is still gonna TALK ALL THROUGH THE CHALLENGES.
The good news? NO REDEMPTION AND NO RETURNING PLAYERS. The bad news? THESE PLAYERS. Let me just do a little recap for ya. We have a police officer who's a liar, a hairstylist who looks like Bob Marley on a bad day, a chick with a freaking hello kitty bow in her hair, and anorexic Pilates instructor, a gay Urkel and on and on. OMG, the nicknames write themselves.
So, 3 teams of 6 each which means no one can hide early. Jeff is all, ooooooh, it's Brains, Beauty and Brawn, think you can guess which one you are?? Choose a leader. Beauty goes with LJ, Brawn goes with Sarah and the "Brains" go with David because he is wearing a blazer. Now, the leaders get to pick off the weakest on their tribes. LJ picks Morgan because in the world of beauty you can be hot or cute, and hot can't be trusted. Sarah picks the anorexic old lady, Trish. Blazer man David picks Garrett, who is like Stretch Armstrong with apparently a brain ( extra points if you remember Stretch). He chooses him because he's already playing the last 2/3 of the game.
In a twist, the weakest are the first to get helicoptered to camp. And, of course, they get a choice of an extra bag of rice or the clue to an idol. Garrett takes the clue, and finds the idol. His body and head ratio is wrong is some way. Anyone??
Trish takes the rice. Not that she eats carbs or anything. Morgan takes the clue and has no luck finding the idol. She tells the tribe that she had a choice and she chose fishing gear, rice and shelter. Which brings me to the point of complaining about how much luxury these people are starting out with. I mean, a BOAT??? WTF?? Why do I think reward challenges are gonna be for electricity, refrigeration and a Keurik system?? LJ doesn't trust her.....
The beauty tribe bangs out fire. Mostly by staring at the logs with all of their good looks.
Anorexic tells everyone she took the second bag of rice instead of the idol. Which basically tells everyone there IS an idol. The get to work banging out a shelter. Wooo recognizes Cliff as a basketball player, which is so amazing since he's 8 feet tall and there usually are former athletes on Survivor. Sarah and Tony have this strange conversation where she asks him if he's a cop and he repeatedly denies it. She is a cop as well. I think she smells the donut residue on his fingers. She thinks he's a liar.
On Brains, the nuclear engineer, J'Tia tells everyone she has a total plan for building shelter. She's a bossy pain in the ASS, alienating everyone AND the shelter falls apart before any weight is put on it.
Challenge. It's a pull a cart, get keys, unlock chests and carry them through an obstacle course and then, DO A PUZZLE. There are gonna be a lot of puzzles this season. Question- I see the advantage of brawn and brains in the challenges but how are they gonna do a beauty advantage challenge? Catwalk??
Bottom line, brains SUCK. Or as Jeff says, "DISASTER....UNBELIEVABLE.....NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF SURVIVOR...." and other bullshit. Beauty comes in first, and gets more fire, brawn comes in second and gets flint and brains gets to go to tribal.
David wants Garrett out. Kass wants J'Tia, I want J'Tia out. Kass tells her, "I think you should go". JTia gets all hurt and shit, can't handle THE TRUTH. Why do I get the sense the world has always been telling her how "special" she is? She and hello kitty girl commiserate, and Garrett small head joins them. He thinks David is a threat and sets off to orchestrate his demise. Garrett talks to Spencer who is kind of a pussy, frankly. He's afraid David has an idol.
Tribal. Get your torch because IN THIS GAME FIRE IS YOUR LIFE.
JTia is all I know you are gonna be up my ASS Jeff because I'm in danger. I had a big plan for the shelter and it didn't work.
David: She came out strong. It was all going well for her.... until it was not.
JTia gets all defensive. I had a plan. I'm really a relationship person. LMAO
Jeff: DAVID, YOU PICKED GARRETT AS WEAK RIGHT OFF THE BAT??
David: Yes, I'm playing my end game now.
Garrett: Yea, that sucked because as everyone can see, I'm Stretch Armstrong with a tiny head chock full of brains.
David: He ain't going anywhere tonight.
JTia: It's the first part of the game we should be playing, so David should go.
Spencer, DO YOU WANT TO SAY ANYTHING? Yes, Jeff, it is a big vote. Blah blah, trust.
Vote: David is blindsided.
Back at camp for another hour of this. Garrett is all THIS IS NOT FUN. I AM NOT BEING AMUSED. THERE HAS NOT BEEN ANY SURVIVOR STRATEGERY YET.
He and Spencer are together. They shake hands with Kass who is like, I'm everyone's #3.
Brawn: Cliff and Woo go fishing. In a giant BOAT that just happened to be in their camp. It's ridiculous. They tip it over and Cliff has a great laugh. Everyone loves Cliff except Tony, in his red underwear, which have burned my eyes.
On Beauty, purple wearing gay Urkel is droning on about, god knows what. Jeremiah and Morgan flirt, because basically that's all the beautiful know how to do.
Back on Brawn, Trish tells Lindsay (aka Bob Marley) to get wood. Big cat fight ensues with Lindsay calling Trish MalnuTrisha. LOL. And, another nickname is born. Trish storms off to find Tony, and they bond over their totally not cool with the youngsters vibe. Tony is busy building a SPY SHACK. So he can sneak up on people in the shelter and overhear them. Cliff is his target.
Another Challenge. Swim out to a cage, climb in, untie something, get fish traps, swim them back to shore and then....wait for it........PUZZLE TIME. This one is a REALLY HARD FISH PUZZLE. Wanna know? Basically an entire fish kitchen in a basket. You know, the kind of reward saved for the end when people are hungry? Yea, that.
JTia is a slow swimmer but somehow they pick up time and end up getting their traps first. IT'S AN EXHAUSTING CHALLENGE.....YOU ARE GONNA NEED TO REALLY DIG.......
The brains are back on shore first and, hey, it's a puzzle so this is gonna be a slam dunk. Except they let JTia do the puzzle. And, she is a freaking idiot. They have a long advantage where she gets nothing, and then Brawn shows up and Sarah bangs out the puzzle to win. JTia is still shuffling fish around. LJ comes from behind and Beauty takes second place. JTia I think still only had 1 piece. JTai: " I let my tribe down". Ya think???
Brawn takes the basket of Long John Silver back to camp, and then searches through the basket to find the idol clue. No one else apparently thinks about it. He runs to the pond and finds the idol.
Ok, so now for the meat of this show. The Shit for Brains tribe. Everyone is sitting in the shelter and Garrett says, "I'm saying JTia". Let's do this without any side conversations. He pushes Kass to announce that she is aligned with him and she says reluctantly, "yea, probably JTia". Spencer agrees but thinks the open forum is totally ridiculous. Hello Kitty has a meltdown. I WANT CONVERSATIONS. THIS ISN'T THE SURVIVOR I SIGNED UP FOR WITH THE SIDE CONVERSATIONS AND THE MANIPULATIONS. Yep, another smart person who always gets her way. Kitty has the SADS because Garrett and the other ones DON'T WANT TO PLAY THE GAME THE WAY SHE DOES. She literally cries.
Spencer thinks Garrett is an idiot. Now we have to babysit JTia and Kitty. Garrett wants everyone to just sit together so no one can talk. What a total meathead. Kitty and Kass end up at the water and Kitty starts working on Kass. Says they can be one and two and that if they get rid of Garrett this week she PROMISES that JTia will be next. Garrett and Spencer wander down to the water and confront them.
Kass: YOU DUMB ASSES LEFT JTIA ALONE??????? JTia goes all Brandon Hantz and dumps the rice in the fire. Kass walks up and says, "who dumped the rice, the RICE FAIRY????" JTia:"That's what happens when you leave crazy alone". Garrett is all, "hey, it wouldn't have happened if we had all stuck together". And no one is really that upset that THERE IS NO RICE.
Tribal
SO I CAN SEE FROM YOUR FACES SOMETHING IS UP
Spencer: Garrett wanted an open forum, which was not a good idea
Tasha: I wanted to talk to JTia
Garrett: I wanted Kass to know we were with her.
JTia: ok, ok, ok, Jeff, I threw the rice into the fire. Not my best moment. GET OVER IT PEOPLE
Tasha: She's volatile which is why I didn't want them to tell her she was going.
Jeff: THIS IS WHY BLINDSIDES WORK.
JTia: You spanked my ass publicly Garrett
Kass: They are all paranoid. Garrett left her alone when we went to wash our feet.
Tasha: I FEEL STIFLED, STIFLED I TELL YA.
Garrett: Tasha was upset about our alliance, I mean our tribe.
Kass says she is not in the alliance with Garrett.
Garrett says, "we shoot hands on day 4"
Spencer: He said it now....
Garrett tries to say Kass approached Spencer and him but Kass insists that isn't the way it went down.
Time to vote...... Garrett is the second person voted out. Which begs the question, HOW BAD DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO GET VOTED OUT OVER A CRAZY WOMAN WHO DUMPS YOUR RICE????????
Jeff: It's the ODDEST TRIBE EVER.
Welcome to week 1 (and 2) of this season's Survivor, where apparently Jeff is still gonna TALK ALL THROUGH THE CHALLENGES.
The good news? NO REDEMPTION AND NO RETURNING PLAYERS. The bad news? THESE PLAYERS. Let me just do a little recap for ya. We have a police officer who's a liar, a hairstylist who looks like Bob Marley on a bad day, a chick with a freaking hello kitty bow in her hair, and anorexic Pilates instructor, a gay Urkel and on and on. OMG, the nicknames write themselves.
So, 3 teams of 6 each which means no one can hide early. Jeff is all, ooooooh, it's Brains, Beauty and Brawn, think you can guess which one you are?? Choose a leader. Beauty goes with LJ, Brawn goes with Sarah and the "Brains" go with David because he is wearing a blazer. Now, the leaders get to pick off the weakest on their tribes. LJ picks Morgan because in the world of beauty you can be hot or cute, and hot can't be trusted. Sarah picks the anorexic old lady, Trish. Blazer man David picks Garrett, who is like Stretch Armstrong with apparently a brain ( extra points if you remember Stretch). He chooses him because he's already playing the last 2/3 of the game.
In a twist, the weakest are the first to get helicoptered to camp. And, of course, they get a choice of an extra bag of rice or the clue to an idol. Garrett takes the clue, and finds the idol. His body and head ratio is wrong is some way. Anyone??
Trish takes the rice. Not that she eats carbs or anything. Morgan takes the clue and has no luck finding the idol. She tells the tribe that she had a choice and she chose fishing gear, rice and shelter. Which brings me to the point of complaining about how much luxury these people are starting out with. I mean, a BOAT??? WTF?? Why do I think reward challenges are gonna be for electricity, refrigeration and a Keurik system?? LJ doesn't trust her.....
The beauty tribe bangs out fire. Mostly by staring at the logs with all of their good looks.
Anorexic tells everyone she took the second bag of rice instead of the idol. Which basically tells everyone there IS an idol. The get to work banging out a shelter. Wooo recognizes Cliff as a basketball player, which is so amazing since he's 8 feet tall and there usually are former athletes on Survivor. Sarah and Tony have this strange conversation where she asks him if he's a cop and he repeatedly denies it. She is a cop as well. I think she smells the donut residue on his fingers. She thinks he's a liar.
On Brains, the nuclear engineer, J'Tia tells everyone she has a total plan for building shelter. She's a bossy pain in the ASS, alienating everyone AND the shelter falls apart before any weight is put on it.
Challenge. It's a pull a cart, get keys, unlock chests and carry them through an obstacle course and then, DO A PUZZLE. There are gonna be a lot of puzzles this season. Question- I see the advantage of brawn and brains in the challenges but how are they gonna do a beauty advantage challenge? Catwalk??
Bottom line, brains SUCK. Or as Jeff says, "DISASTER....UNBELIEVABLE.....NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF SURVIVOR...." and other bullshit. Beauty comes in first, and gets more fire, brawn comes in second and gets flint and brains gets to go to tribal.
David wants Garrett out. Kass wants J'Tia, I want J'Tia out. Kass tells her, "I think you should go". JTia gets all hurt and shit, can't handle THE TRUTH. Why do I get the sense the world has always been telling her how "special" she is? She and hello kitty girl commiserate, and Garrett small head joins them. He thinks David is a threat and sets off to orchestrate his demise. Garrett talks to Spencer who is kind of a pussy, frankly. He's afraid David has an idol.
Tribal. Get your torch because IN THIS GAME FIRE IS YOUR LIFE.
JTia is all I know you are gonna be up my ASS Jeff because I'm in danger. I had a big plan for the shelter and it didn't work.
David: She came out strong. It was all going well for her.... until it was not.
JTia gets all defensive. I had a plan. I'm really a relationship person. LMAO
Jeff: DAVID, YOU PICKED GARRETT AS WEAK RIGHT OFF THE BAT??
David: Yes, I'm playing my end game now.
Garrett: Yea, that sucked because as everyone can see, I'm Stretch Armstrong with a tiny head chock full of brains.
David: He ain't going anywhere tonight.
JTia: It's the first part of the game we should be playing, so David should go.
Spencer, DO YOU WANT TO SAY ANYTHING? Yes, Jeff, it is a big vote. Blah blah, trust.
Vote: David is blindsided.
Back at camp for another hour of this. Garrett is all THIS IS NOT FUN. I AM NOT BEING AMUSED. THERE HAS NOT BEEN ANY SURVIVOR STRATEGERY YET.
He and Spencer are together. They shake hands with Kass who is like, I'm everyone's #3.
Brawn: Cliff and Woo go fishing. In a giant BOAT that just happened to be in their camp. It's ridiculous. They tip it over and Cliff has a great laugh. Everyone loves Cliff except Tony, in his red underwear, which have burned my eyes.
On Beauty, purple wearing gay Urkel is droning on about, god knows what. Jeremiah and Morgan flirt, because basically that's all the beautiful know how to do.
Back on Brawn, Trish tells Lindsay (aka Bob Marley) to get wood. Big cat fight ensues with Lindsay calling Trish MalnuTrisha. LOL. And, another nickname is born. Trish storms off to find Tony, and they bond over their totally not cool with the youngsters vibe. Tony is busy building a SPY SHACK. So he can sneak up on people in the shelter and overhear them. Cliff is his target.
Another Challenge. Swim out to a cage, climb in, untie something, get fish traps, swim them back to shore and then....wait for it........PUZZLE TIME. This one is a REALLY HARD FISH PUZZLE. Wanna know? Basically an entire fish kitchen in a basket. You know, the kind of reward saved for the end when people are hungry? Yea, that.
JTia is a slow swimmer but somehow they pick up time and end up getting their traps first. IT'S AN EXHAUSTING CHALLENGE.....YOU ARE GONNA NEED TO REALLY DIG.......
The brains are back on shore first and, hey, it's a puzzle so this is gonna be a slam dunk. Except they let JTia do the puzzle. And, she is a freaking idiot. They have a long advantage where she gets nothing, and then Brawn shows up and Sarah bangs out the puzzle to win. JTia is still shuffling fish around. LJ comes from behind and Beauty takes second place. JTia I think still only had 1 piece. JTai: " I let my tribe down". Ya think???
Brawn takes the basket of Long John Silver back to camp, and then searches through the basket to find the idol clue. No one else apparently thinks about it. He runs to the pond and finds the idol.
Ok, so now for the meat of this show. The Shit for Brains tribe. Everyone is sitting in the shelter and Garrett says, "I'm saying JTia". Let's do this without any side conversations. He pushes Kass to announce that she is aligned with him and she says reluctantly, "yea, probably JTia". Spencer agrees but thinks the open forum is totally ridiculous. Hello Kitty has a meltdown. I WANT CONVERSATIONS. THIS ISN'T THE SURVIVOR I SIGNED UP FOR WITH THE SIDE CONVERSATIONS AND THE MANIPULATIONS. Yep, another smart person who always gets her way. Kitty has the SADS because Garrett and the other ones DON'T WANT TO PLAY THE GAME THE WAY SHE DOES. She literally cries.
Spencer thinks Garrett is an idiot. Now we have to babysit JTia and Kitty. Garrett wants everyone to just sit together so no one can talk. What a total meathead. Kitty and Kass end up at the water and Kitty starts working on Kass. Says they can be one and two and that if they get rid of Garrett this week she PROMISES that JTia will be next. Garrett and Spencer wander down to the water and confront them.
Kass: YOU DUMB ASSES LEFT JTIA ALONE??????? JTia goes all Brandon Hantz and dumps the rice in the fire. Kass walks up and says, "who dumped the rice, the RICE FAIRY????" JTia:"That's what happens when you leave crazy alone". Garrett is all, "hey, it wouldn't have happened if we had all stuck together". And no one is really that upset that THERE IS NO RICE.
Tribal
SO I CAN SEE FROM YOUR FACES SOMETHING IS UP
Spencer: Garrett wanted an open forum, which was not a good idea
Tasha: I wanted to talk to JTia
Garrett: I wanted Kass to know we were with her.
JTia: ok, ok, ok, Jeff, I threw the rice into the fire. Not my best moment. GET OVER IT PEOPLE
Tasha: She's volatile which is why I didn't want them to tell her she was going.
Jeff: THIS IS WHY BLINDSIDES WORK.
JTia: You spanked my ass publicly Garrett
Kass: They are all paranoid. Garrett left her alone when we went to wash our feet.
Tasha: I FEEL STIFLED, STIFLED I TELL YA.
Garrett: Tasha was upset about our alliance, I mean our tribe.
Kass says she is not in the alliance with Garrett.
Garrett says, "we shoot hands on day 4"
Spencer: He said it now....
Garrett tries to say Kass approached Spencer and him but Kass insists that isn't the way it went down.
Time to vote...... Garrett is the second person voted out. Which begs the question, HOW BAD DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO GET VOTED OUT OVER A CRAZY WOMAN WHO DUMPS YOUR RICE????????
Jeff: It's the ODDEST TRIBE EVER.
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