Quick Survivor Update: Week 3

This  is gonna be a quick one, and not because of too much St Pats celebrating.  

Apparently last week's theme was "who is the biggest pain in the ass on your tribe?"  On the WC tribe, it's apparently Shirin,  We see her talking to a monkey and then watching monkey sex, but hey, WHO WOULDN'T WATCH THAT SHIT???  Her mistake apparently was running back to the cool kids and saying OMG I JUST WATCHED 2 MONKEYS HAVE SEX!!!!!  And the cool rich kids are all, "meh, I was once on a safari and watched lots of animals have sex".  Plus, being in corporate America they watch people getting screwed every damn day.  Carolyn has her cameo asking how Shirin works in Corporate America (like it's a fucking kingdom all its own) and be crazy?  Well, since Shirin actually works at Yahoo, it's probably a necessary quality.  Shirin apparently has the black X of doom on her back.

On the BC tribe there is actually a contest for asshole of the week.  First we get fat and old Dan Wanna know how old Dan is?  HE'S FRIGGIN 47 YEARS OLD.  Are you kidding me???  Blue collar work is apparently a killer.  He admits he has a big mouth.  Which he used to his disadvantage in a little bantering with Rodney, telling him "your mother's a %^%^$".  Rodney is a hot head himself and he gets his Boston all up.  "You're lucky you're on Survivor".  Kelly, who is a cop is all "these people are too serious".  She deals with drunks having fights all the time and knows to slow walk to the situation and give the drunks a change to kiss and make up.  Also vying and possibly winning the asshole title is Texas Mike.  Even his bathing suit is the Texas flag.  He's a type A asshole who can't stop working, because  his father-figure preacher told him to work hard.  Jeezuz, do we always have to have a crazy Christian on this show?  For the first 3 weeks I thought he had a tattoo on his back like a sports jersey but apparently it's a bible verse.  

Mike and Rodney get into it because Mike wants Rodney to get firewood RIGHT FUCKING NOW.  Rodney wants to eat his rice and then get firewood a little later.  Rodney loses it and rants to his now buddy again Dan "I don't work for nobody".  He does a pretty awesome rant on Texas and working on an ooil rig.  

And just to keep the contest on a equal opportunity basis, Mike gets into it with the girls who are also tired of him being a dick and never saying thanks or recognizing all they do.  I have a theory that the white collars get their rewards in money but the blue collars need to be recognized for their work in order to feel good.  It's very important apparently.  Lindsay loses it and says DID YOUR GOD MAKE THIS FIRE??? Yea that might have been a bit too far but Mike keeps saying over and over "then send me home".  Might get your wish dude.  

And the no collars, well they get off on doing whatever the hell they feel like.  For Hali and Jenn it was surfing this week.  Because NCs are ALL ABOUT FUN.  Nina clearly is too intense for this tribe.  She knows she is probably next going home and asks if they can just not make her feel like an outsider until then.  Joe (aka Orlando Bloom from Pirates of the Caribbean) tries to be nice to her and sweet talk her.  He's like, "you don't know you're next".  Nina says she used to be WC, in sales and management but since she lost her hearing 7 years ago she thought she was a no collar.  BUT THESE KIDS ARE JUST A BUNCH OF NUTJOBS.  I'm betting half of these kids are on their parent's healhcare plan and living in their basements.  Nina correctly understands there is such a thing as needing to EAT, needing medical care and NEEDING TO HAVE MONEY TO RETIRE ON SOMEDAY.  Part of me thinks these Peter Pan "I never want to grow up" kids resent her and see her as a mom figure.  Plus, that whole deaf thing is a total downer, man.  Will?  I can't figure him out.  His claim to fame is a youtube video of he and his wife singing and dancing at a gas station pump.  And yes, you've probably seen it.  Does he have a job?  No one seems to know.  I don't really see him as no collar either.  But he's black so I guess he wouldn't fit the white or blue collar expected narrative.  Oh, was that bad to say out loud?  

WCs spent a bit of time looking for the idol, which Carolyn has.  Carolyn sits on her ass "tending the fire".  Why not just put a giant sign on your back that says I ALREADY FOUND THE IDOL.  Shirin gets tired of looking and wants to declare a truce until the next clue.  Joaquin loses it on her telling her she's a paranoid. panicky woman.  He calls her a blood sucking leech.  Tyler knows Carolyn has the idol but when Joaquin shares the clue he doesn't say anything.  Tyler also thinks Shirin is crazy mainly due to the no pants thing, but he also thinks Joaquin is on the outs.  

Whew. Finally the Immunity Challenge.  Wanna know?  Comfort.  Ist prize is the Pier One imports Survivor collection.  Second is a tarp.  Third is a date with Jeff.  

It's carry the barrel time!  Only the barrel has holes in it that the tribe has to use their hands to plug up while they  walk through a grid thing and then dump the water into another bucket, raise the flag.  

Bottom line, Orlando Bloom makes the stupid decision of not having Nina help with the holes.  DUDE, SHE'S DEAF NOT BLIND.  Consequently they get their asses kicked.  Blue collar wins the goods, white gets the tarp and no collar gets a trip to tribal.

It's kind of a given what's gonna happen but they spend a quick couple of minutes trying to convince us that Will might also be in jeopardy because he's out of shape and screws up challenges.  Orlando takes full blame for the hole decision, an apologizes to Nina for not trusting her.  The 3 cool kids are kind of like, yea either the black guy or the deaf chick.  Whatevs.  

Tribal.

Jeff:  last time you were all about trust and then Will voted differently.  Was that a surprise?

Will: I had to explain my vote after tribal.

Orlando:  In this game you only get a few changes to screw up and to lose everyone's trust.  TRUST IS HUGE

Jeff:  Why pull Nina??

Orlando: Yea, that was my fault.  I was afraid she would fall and take the bucket down with her.  BECAUSE SHE IS DEAF

Nina:  Because of my disability they look at me as fully disabled not just unable to hear.

Jenn rolls her eyes and basically is SOOO TIRED OF THIS CAN'T HEAR SHIT.  

Will thinks it's bullshit. He says she keeps making it about her deafness, they don't

Jeff asks some philosophical bullshit about "perception becoming reality" and Orlando jumps in and says he doesn't judge.

Will is forced to admit he got winded in the challenge but he says the problem is they didn't work together.  

Nina says they's be crazy to keep Will.

Jenn tells her basically, SHUT BITCH YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY WEAK.

Hali correctly states that she thinks Nina is on the wrong tribe.  She doesn't go with the flow and probably never even surfs!  

Nina admits she used to be corporate but she does feel like she is no collar.

Hali tells her, "well if you want to be a no collar you gotta start acting like a no collar".  

Then they vote and Nina is sent home.  Probably best for all involved.  

Survivor: GONE TOO SOON

Sigh, I hate when the one most crazy person gets voted off way too soon.  I had so much more to say, so many more snarky descriptions, it's just, SAD.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  Week 2!  Is that possible?  I love these smaller teams because I can figure out who everyone is before they merge. No hiding on a small tribe!  

Blue Collar:  And now we know.  After 30 seasons and 15 years the epic social experiment known as Survivor has answered one of life's biggest questions.  Namely, DO SURVIVORS SHIT IN THE WATER?  The answer boys and girls is a resounding yes.  Dan was out "doing his business"  with his underwear on just one ankle when the underwear undertow came and snatched it away.  He is now sans trous and is wearing a shirt diaper.  "I can't raw dog in jeans".  OR DID HE FAKE THE INCIDENT??  Lindsay thinks he might have to prove he's a funny amusing guy instead of the absolute dicknozzle he has been of late.  

White Collar are still working on fire.  Seriously, do these people outsource sex?  They finally got it on day 4 and are assuming those rough and ready blue collars have had it for days.  Max loves his some beach.  He especially loves it naked.  "Richard Hatch 2.0".  Max is a professor of Survivor (and moms and dads, doesn't that make the tuition go down that much easier??)  so the question is one of is this deliberate or is he just a kook?  From the start I didn't understand how he qualified for white collar instead of something else.  Shirin gets in on the pantless thing too.  It's nice to air out the privates as we like to say in Spring City.  She's cleaning pots on sharp rocks without the bottom half of her attire.  Poor married Tyler and Joaquin apparently can't stand it.  In fact, it makes them so uncomfortable that they stand and watch for a while.....

No collar:  Hali thinks working a tiny bit harder for a deaf tribemate to hear  you is a pain in the ass.  Girl, you are gonna love when your parents get older!  "Mom, have you seen my sweater?"  "4:30 dear".  In fact both Jenn and Hali think it's annoying.  They run off to skinny dip without asking Nina to come.  She has a meltdown over it.  Thinks they should have included her.  Jenn thinks she should just GET IT TOGETHER because there is NO CODDLING.  Ain't no Americans with Disabilities Act on Survivor!

BC is playing basketball.  Well everyone but Mike who has a giant piece of firewood up his ass.  C'mon we all know this jackwad.  Hell, some of you might be anal always cleaning up jackwads.  Sit down!  Relaaaaaax.  Nobody needs to be all work and no play!  

NC: Vince-whose-eyes-are-too-close-together is also annoyed.  He's 33 and jealous of Joe.  (Oh, before I forget THIS WEEK'S TALKING POINT HAS TO BE WHO DOES JOE LOOK LIKE?? No, it's not you John Sellman but he is some actor's Doppelganger and I can't figure it out).  He needs acknowledgement and affirmation so he confronts Joe in a just such a typical animal posturing scene.  He's hanging on the shelter, arms up, chest thrown out telling Joe he's full of ego and forcing Joe to AFFIRM and ACKNOWLEDGE all of his young testosterone ills.  God, if there was ever a time for those "low T" adds!  Will's like "it's finally the alpha dog fight".  Joe thinks Vince has issues and is a loose cannon.  Hmmm, what was the first clue?  

Will, Nina and Vince are in a kind of alliance against the youngsters, Jenn, Joe and Hali.  

Challenge.  It's another water thing.  Start on a platform, dive in, swim to another platform and uncoil a vertical thingy with 5 buoys (aka balls), jump off, swim to a horizontal thingy and unwrap the ball from there and swim to the final platform.  When you get all 5 balls, you get to play basketball.  SEE MIKE, IT WAS TRAINING!

Wanna know?  FISHING EQUIPMENT!  Mmmmmm and a snorkel mask so you can swim clear of the poop.  Second winners get a spear, a line and lures.  Who's sitting out?  Dan wants to do the challenge.  Jeff is like WHAAAA?  He says "I'm gonna surprise you for a fat guy".  

Dan goes first against...I don't remember.  He actually gets through and to the platform first.  He then promptly falls to his knees clutching his heart and suffers a massive heart attack.  Ok, THAT didn't happen.  Blah blah, challenge goes on.  Will gets totally stuck in the horizontal part and loses a shit load of time.  

The white collar guys get to the basketball court first and all those long boozy nights on the corporate BBall team bonding with the other corporate sharks comes in handy.  The blue team is right there with them with Sarah I think sinking a few balls.  The NC?  Nada.  Just an epic loss.  Joaquin kills it for the white collar win, and let's see what they do with all that fishing stuff!  Second goes to the blue collars and the misfits have to go to tribal.

Vince:  Joe and I are now in a cold war with missiles pointed at each other.  They all admit they are not good with making decisions.  Some people think Will is deteriorating due to the physical limitations.  Vince tells Will that he is totally down with blindsiding Joe.  She and Vince are nervous about Will so she goes to talk to him.  

Joe is talking strategy with Jenn and Will.  Interesting.  Jenn wants her creepy ex lover gone.  Joe wants Nina because of the weakness.  They decide to split the vote 2 Vince, 2 Nina and then force a re vote.  

 Will tells Vince their plan and they decide to all stick together and take out one of the others.  Joe?  Vince is a pussy and is afraid the tribe won't be as strong.  He wants Jenn.  

Nina talks to Will, asks how he is physically.  He's surprised and says he's fine.  She tells him Vince is concerned about his health and his performance in the last challenge.  BULLSHIT!  Will is pissed because it was only one challenge....

Tribal council.  Blah blah fire is your life.....

Jeff asks about the group dynamics.  Nina says it's the young vs the old.  Hali, Jenn and Joe vs she, Vince and Will.  She expresses her frustration about not being able to hear all of the time but not wanted to be the old person who keeps asking "what??" .

Jenn says she's never been around anyone who wasn't perfect.  "I have compassion but....."  

Vince states that he's in the middle and is trying to be the glue.  

Joe says they are all feeling each other out and the person that is supposed to go home tonight will.  

Jenn points out it's a numbers game and they need their stronger players.

Will explains his performance.  "Everyone knows water is the black man's kryptonite.  We've talked 3-3 but is the trust really there?  (Shouldn't Joe be thinking his plan ain't gonna work right about now?)

Vince agrees it could be him but he's playing with his gut and not his head.

Jenn states that the original plan should go forward.  I think she's figuring out Will might not be on board. BUT OMG IT'S ALSO SURVIVOR TRIBAL COUNCIL AND IT'S JEFF PROBST!!!

Will says his plan is to go back to camp, drink some warm water, let the bugs feast on some more chocolate and see as little of Jeff as possible until the end.

Time to vote!

Nina gets one vote.....Jenn gets 2 and VINCELOT gets 3 and is leaving us.  NOOOOOOOOO!!!!  Too soon, too soon.  

Survivor Episode 1

Welcome to Survivor: why the world hates the 1%.  Season 30, 15 years OF THE GREATEST SOCIAL EXPERIMENT ON TV.  Hmmmm, here I was gonna go with the Price is Right for the win.  Tribes are composed of people with common occupations or approaches to life.

First up, in yellow with a name that sounded like Messiah but couldn't possibly be, are the smug white collar workers.  These are people who Jeff tells us like to make the rules and be "in charge".  LOL, what could be worse than an entire tribe of type A's?  

So is a very pretty Asian woman who "has made everyone who has ever worked for her cry"

Max is a former college professor who has taught a class on Survivor and now is some kind of "consultant".  AKA out of work.

Carolyn is the old 52 year old "corporate exec" who I believe.  Seriously, making it to 52 in corporate america I gotta take my hat off to her.  She must drink like a fucking fish.  She says something about WC (white collar's) being goal oriented but the problem is everyone wants the same goal.  

Joaquim, whose name I will misspell every week and I don't give a flying crap.  He's SLIMY, slick and wearing a freaking suit and tie.  

Shirin is a Yahoo executive who has applied to Survivor for 10 years.  She says nothing memorable.

Tyler is an ex-talent executive.  AKA, he's also unemployed.  He's kinda geeky and I can't read him.  

Blue collar (BC) are a rambunctious bunch who are pretty funny.  They believe they single handedly built America (did anyone tell the 1%ers??).

Lindsey is a hairdresser, single mom and a crop top girl.  She feels like she is the strongest mentally.

Mike is something with "Ooool"  which I think is Texan for oil.  He likes his hands dirrrrrty.  

Dan is the older postal employee who should be watched closely for insanity.  He wants to be remembered for....anything.

Rodney thinks people will think he's a meat head but "I'm filet mignon while these people are steakers".  

Rounding out that tribe is state trooper Kelly and Sierra who's a "barrel racer" and who totally fell off my radar screen.

Finally, the free spirited no collars.  These are kinda what you would expect.  

Jenn is a sailing  instructor and likes to work sometimes.  She believes money makes life easier

Hali is in law school because she wants to save the world and live off nothing with huge ass law school bills

Vince, featherman, is like Coach's brother, who got kicked in the head by a mule in childhood.  No idea how he's gonna survive without pot for the 39 days.  

Joe is a jewelry designer.  He's this season's eye candy.

Nina is 51, deaf with cochlear implants.  Does that mean she can hear now?  

Will, who is a "youtube" sensation.  LOL, he's the guy dancing with his wife in the gas station video.  

So those are our peeps.  Jeff is really beating the crap out of the distinctions between tribes.  Jeff,  honey, it's a freaking reality show not a graduate sociology class!  We're all hear for the drama, fighting, starvation and relief from the freaks at our own jobs.  Everyone is gunning for the WCs, and they're pretty smug about it.  

Finally, Jeff has each tribe pick someone to represent them.  Jacquin and Dan volunteer.  The beatnicks have a little fun, Will promises everyone sandwiches and he gets picked.  Jeff is like, "where are you gonna get sandwiches"?  And the WC's are all "look, the stoners can't make a decision".  But the stoners are happy.  

Now, pick a second person.  Joaquin lets his penis make the decision and he picks So.  Dan and Mike bro hug, and Will picks Jenn because 'she has a nice smile".  Can you tell I'm already loving this season??  

At camp, the two have to walk away and make a decision.  The NC's pre decide something.  I kinda lost track here.  The choice s between honesty and deceit.  Honesty gets you a big bag of beans, deceit gets you a little bag and a clue to the immunity idol.  NC goes for the honesty of course.  Dan and Mike debate for a few minutes, thinking villains usually win but ultimately go with honesty because it's too early to be a villain.  They return to camp and tell them what they did.  Sierra doesn't believe them for a minute.  

And of course,  WC picks deceit and spends their time coming up with a lie, just like most management meetings I've been in.  The tell this lame story about 3 choices,  honesty, deceit and juuuuuuust right.  So is starting to think she has made a deal with the devil.  He's totally hitting on her and he says they are now in an alliance.  He calls her honey I think?  Not enough sensitivity training??They said they took juuuuuust right because there could be consequences or something.  Seriously, they can't bluff better than this??  Carolyn isn't buying it but she says she'd have done the exact same thing.  Carolyn and Shirin bond, and bring Max into their group because they all feel like Joaguin and So are too tight.  

BC:  They find crabs to eat, make shelter and build a fire.  LIndsay and Rodney compare tats.  He tells her about the one for his sister who he found murdered.  He's working it because he wants girls  on his alliance because "they'll sit back and let me lead".  

Mike finds a scorpion (really???  Neutered to not sting I'm sure) and chops the tail off and eats it.  He's all "I'm gonna have protein in my belly", until he barfs it up and has to lie down.  Dumbass.  

NC:  OMG IT'S OUR FIRST COCONUT, LETS CELEBRATE!  If only we had some weed!  Vince, aka featherman, approaches Jenn and says they have an instant connection.  She's like ok.  He is a person who develops "instant attraction to women".  LOL!  Stalker tendencies??  Jenn immediately thinks he's a little too intense and decides to smile and nod.  LMAO-and every woman in this pool understands how this to intense thing is creepy.  Vince is off to build the shelter but Joe doesn't like his design and the two start their pissing contest.  

BC: Dan is also arguing about their structure because he is fat and it doesn't seem strong enough to him.  He has no social skills and as the oldest doesn't get the youngsters.  They are laughing and calling him "dumbledorf".  Meanwhile is on the beach in a speedo putting his pants back  on (WTF?) and his buddy Mike comes to cheer him up.  

NC:  Finally, after 29 seasons we have someone who watched a youtube video and practiced making fire!!!!!!  Joe promptly makes fire after he and Jenn do a little back and forth with her saying stuff like 'can I blow on your wood for you, sir?"  Vince is totally jealous and calls Jenn over to ask if she likes Joe better and if she wants our of their "us".  He wants to know if she is more attracted to him and if she wants Joe more than him.  It's like Animal Kingdom "the weaker male must now roll over exposing his flaccid penis acquiescing to the alpha male, thus giving up his mate".  Jenn tries to comfort him but he's still creepy.  He is also paranoid and a LONG HUGGER.  UGH.  I utterly hate that in someone.  She's like dude, we smell bad and I don't want you armpit near my body.  I can't wait until tonight when he tries to mount her.  

WC-finally!  Tyler thinks their shelter is only average, and that they should have upgraded to the Travertine tile.  They also are surprised at how hard it is to make fire.  They joke about hiring some blue collar person to make fire.  

Carolyn is convinced So and Jacquin found an idol clue so she stalks So all afternoon.  So leads her to the spot by the well and Carolyn looks for a tree that looks like the typical IDOL HIDDEN HERE tree.  She finds it.  And, that my children, is what 52 years of experience gets ya.

Immunity Challenge!

Race down a ramp, go through an obstacle course, use knots or keys and locks to unlock a ladder, use it to up, over and down, chose a bag of puzzles, do something else with the ladder and then complete a puzzle.  Jeez, Jeff, don't shoot your challenge wad on the first night!  There are 3 bags of puzzles.  One with 5 pieces that's a tangram anagram puzzle (yes, I know that and i know that you are impressed).  The second one has 10 pieces and is that 3D tree from a couple of seasons ago.  Finally, a 50 piece basic squares with a picture puzzle.  

Wanna know?  2 teams get immunity, first place gets a firemaking kit, second gets fling and 3rd gets to have the first loser on it.  

So, out of the gate pretty even.  They get to the locks, and everyone tries the locks-it's like 20 keys 3 locks.  One by one they switch off and do the knots.  So with her origami genetically superior fingers gets the ladder opened first.  NC gets theirs second the the BCs are struggling.  NC is first up to the puzzle and choses the 10 piece one. which is spatial.  WC picks the easy 50 piece one, surprisingly and Shirin starts work on it.  Apparently you can switch out people.  BC finally gets the knots untied, gets the ladder but can't figure out how to use the ladder to get the puzzle!  Finally they do and they also pick the 10 piece tree.  

Joe steps in and finishes the puzzle and NC wins immunity!  Vince's masculinity takes another hit.  Shirin can't get anywhere with the puzzle and Max takes over.  The BC steps up and wins the second immunity, leaving the WCs in the dust.  And you know they hate that!

Everyone is decided that Shirin and Carolyn are the weakest and it has to be a girl going home for strength.  So surprisingly targets Carolyn instead of Shirin because at least Shirin stepped up.  She tells Jacquin and he doesn't care as long as he gets the hot girl.  Carolyn is suspicious that So is talking to everyone so she confronts her and Jacquin who are like, noooooo, it's not you, in their worst lying voices.  She talks to Tyler and tells him she knows that they don't have the idol because she does.  Max is wavering about his "alliance", because he doesn't want to be with the weak kids, he wants to be with the other power people.  Tyler states that someone is gonna be surprised tonight.

Tribal 

Blah blah fire is your life.  Get a new line Jeff.

Jacquin-we explained about the 3 boxes Jeff and why we chose juuuuust right.  

Shirin-there are some biiiiig holes in that story!

Max-I can't blame them because everyone of us ruthless bastards would have done the same thing and lied.

So says she is in an alliance with 4 people. which is a surprise to Carolyn.  So says, yes, me, Tyler, Max and Jacquin.  

Carolyn is like reeeeallllllty.  She tells them Max and Shirrin are with her.  

So tells Carolyn basically we're voting for you.  You don't do anything and you didn't step up.

Carolyn says you lied and you didn't trust me.  Plus all you did was open knots.

Consensus is that opening the knots was a big deal

Carolyn calls bullshit on So.

Tyler says that they need strength

Max-"I'm just thanking the Gods for the perfect Survivor tribal with a wicked downpour and a lot of drama.

Vote. Anyone have an idol???  Carolyn doesn't play it.

Carolyn II

So IIII and is the first out of Survivor: Worlds Apart!! I'll bet she still gets her bonus.