Survivor: No Time for Beach Yoga

Welcome to this week's Survivor update!  And, in case you were looking, there was no update last week.  I felt like, in the end, there was enough cyber ink spilled over the Jeff Varner expose and I couldn't add anything more to it other than more outrage.

As Zeke himself says this week, "let's just get back into the game".  Which is not to say that the whole trans-outing isn't now going to be a giant elephant sitting in the middle of the game this season as of now, people seem to be defensive and supportive of Zeke.  We'll see how long that lasts!

Bang, it's a challenge OR IS IT??  There's a table of food and everyone is all antsy that IT'S THE MERGE!!!  Jeff has to ask everyone, "how important is food???"  Yea, about as important as sex at the Pottstown Motel 6 is to you, Jeff.  They're all like kids when you walk in the door after work and are all up in your face with I'M STAAAAAARRRRRRVVVVVVIIIIINNNNNGGGGG.  

Jeff gets to play with the catnip a bit more because there's one final tribal decision they have to make first.  One member of each tribe has to VOLUNTEER to not eat or everyone gets a Ritz cracker and a piece of cheese.  Which, lemme point out there are starving children in Africa that would kill for that high society party snack.  Brad is the first to volunteer.  Zeke, who did not volunteer, says it's because he didn't look great last time he played, and showing off is the Colpepper brand.  Tai, of course, also volunteers because Tai is honest and pure and lives on the farts of unicorns in real life.  

And they merge into Maku Maku.  Cirie, who also did not volunteer to not eat, thinks Tai and Brad are just doing it for brownie points.  Cirie also predicts that "thinks are gonna start happening".  

Tai and Brad sit on a log and bond, while everyone else eats and drinks.  Debbie pretends to be drunk. She also, while not pretending to be drunk. apologizes to him.  Zeke tells the Varner story about being outed as trans and everyone appears to be upset for him all over again.  

The bro's meet (Troy, Oz and Brad) and hammer out their alliance and their desire to get rid of Hali or Michaela.  And then literally everyone runs around telling each other it's Michaela.  Sierra keeps getting mad because Michaela keeps turning up while she's being talked about.  Sierra thinks she has no tact.  LOL!!  Like she should have a fucking bell around her neck or walk up yelling yooooowoooooo, I'm nearby!  Michaela asks Zeke what he told people about her and he says, "you're good at challenges".  

Zeke, Cirie and Andrea have an alliance and decide they need Michaela.  "We have to be first to strike because this is the last day people are going to pretend to get along".  

Hali, who is kinda strange and doesn't really join in the reindeer games, wants to work with Micheala.  She tells Micheala that she's heard her name at least once.  Micheala gets pissed off but fortunately talks to momma Cirie for some guidance.  Cirie tells her basically to not act like an angry black woman.  Says she used to be like Michaela but has learned to control her emotions can chillout.  Cirie decides to nurture Michaela a bit to get her on her side.  

Immunity Challenge.  Oooh, a new necklace.  They have to stand on their toes with a block wedged between their heads and the stand.  Andrea wins immunity.  

Sierra declares she is now in charge.  Decides Hali is playing way too confident and wonders if she has an idol.  Let's split the vote between Hali and Michaela.  They decide to tell everyone else it's Zeke.  When they tell Michaela she says, "I'm feeling like my name is being written down".  

Cirie doesn't like the decision.  Why not just go with Hali?  She wonders where that leaves them since they need Michaela.  

Zeke asks Sierra, laying in her hammock, why Michaela?  Sierra says something about her coming back and causing havoc.  Sierra asks what Zeke's problem is, says there's a new sherrif in town.  

Cirie tells Micheala to stay with voting for Zeke.  

Tribal:

Cirie gets to light her torch and Jeff gets to do his song and dance about fire being your life and I'm like STOP ALREADY!!!

Zeke says it's insanity because there are too many people to watch

Andrea says the lines are being drawn and that this vote sets the tone

Debbie says there is no shock coming tonight.  

Hali goes on this lovely scenario about being in the dark with people with rifles and she and a few others are blindfolded waiting to be shot.  It's like, ooooookay you crazy bitch!

Michaela says she is worried because no one has talked to her.  She says people need to look at who has the control and what's guiding their votes.

Tai says people are looking 2-3 votes down the road. 

Ozzy says his criteria are who is risky and who might have an idol

Jeff asks what roles idols play at tribal.  Literally chapter one from SURVIVOR FOR DUMMIES

Debbie says she loves tribal, it's like the Coliseum, and it's always time to flush out an idol.

Cirie says something about the person who everyone thinks might have an idol might not know they are accused of having an idol.

Hali says anyone who wants to ask can come and shake her down and look through her stuff.  She's not volunteering or anything but if anyone asks they can strip search her.  I'm guessing after the whole terrorist fantasy she just explained, no one is really into the strip search.

Andrea says it's a good strategy to volunteer info like that

Hali then goes zen and asks, are the blindfolded people really the targets?  Ooooh.  Maybe we are all just wandering in dark rooms full of snipers in life, Hali.  

Time to vote.  Zeke 2, Michaela 4 and Hali 6.  

Shit, and then there was another episode!  I hate these double week write ups!!

This is clearly not a season of doing yoga on the beach!  

Next morning Micheala says she slept very well last night.  Cirie tells her no one can know that she has anything to do with orchestrating the vote to be more Hali's than Michaela's.  

Cirie tells Zeke that she has her own ideas about how the game should go.  Zeke says that Sierra is like the Godfather, and Brad is under her controlling Troy.  Zeke thinks that everyone would be on board with disrupting the Sierra-Brad show.  Aubry feels like she's in the middle of a giant italian family brawl, but she's currently find with team Cirie.  

Zeke and Andrea lay in the hammock of power and discuss getting rid of Brad and Sierra.  She tells Zeke, WE CANNOT TELL DEBBIE AND TAI ABOUT IT.  And, bing, Debbie comes up.  

Zeke starts thinking things aren't adding up because he's getting all of his info and instructions from Andrea or Cirie.  He decides that Brad and Sierra are less of a threat than Andrea and Cirie.  Why wait to get rid of them?  

Challenge:  2 teams: swim to a net with wooden fish, untie, swim back, hook fish on a pole, carry fish, do puzzle. Wanna know??  It's a day of luxury at the Marshall's lounge.  

It's Sierra, Brad. Aubry, Michaela, Cirie and Sarah against Tai, Oz, Troy, Debbie, Zeke and Andrea.  Tai and Andrea forget a few fish and have to go back, but in the end they all win the reward.  

At camp, Cirie is very upset.  She tells Sierra that it takes her back to a time when she has 4 children and was unable to provide food for them.  This game takes you to the worst places mentally.  

OMFG, who knew Marshall's Lounge was sponsored by Marshalls??  I totally want to know if the towels matched or if they were all from different manufacturers and different die lots.  Tai decides to streak like he did in the 70s with his ex wife.  The kids are all like, what's streaking??

Zeke can't let it rest and enjoy himself so he pulls Debbie and Tai aside and says he is amassing his own army and thinks Cirie and Andrea are big threats.  Debbie doesn't trust him and is skeptical of why he is saying this to them.  

Immunity challenge:  Hug-a-Pole.  Apparently Ozzy has won this twice in his life.  It comes down to Ozzy and Tai, and grasshopper Tai out Zen's Ozzy to win immunity.  

Zeke is happy that Andrea doesn't win immunity, and he tells Sierra that Cirie and Andrea are gunning for her.  She says, "I thought you and Andrea were close".  She doesn't trust him either.  

Sierra confronts Cirie and tells her Zeke told me you wanted to vote for me.  Cirie tells Andrea and Ozzy that Sierra told her that Zeke says they want to vote for her.  Now Sarah, Andrea and Cirie are mad at Zeke.

Debbie and Sierra lay in the hammock of power and discuss.  Debbie says she would be good with Ozzy.  Sierra agrees but says it's like herding cats.  Debbie tells Troy who is thrilled.  Debbie runs around telling everyone that it's Ozzy.  Sarah feels like it's a tough decision because there are 2 competing groups, one wants Ozzy and one wants Zeke gone.  

Tribal

Ozzy says that the stakes are even higher this time as everyone is playing cut throat.

Sarah says there are no real relationships, that "we're all a bunch of singles people waiting to hook up"

Tai says immunity still matters and that it was either he or Ozzy and he wanted to win.

Ozzy says he talks and trust people, and also he is the one who feeds everyone.

Aubry says that the game is much harder this time around and she's glad Ozzy brings in the protein

Zeke says something about people asking "can I beat them or can they beat me and then making them THINK they can beat you"

Tai is as always amazed when someone puts strategy into words like that.

Zeke says it's OK that Tai thinks he's terrific 

Debbie goes on about it's who you put on the jury and then some air force crap about working together but on Survivor the people you are working with all have knives out.

Vote-Jeff, wait, I want to use this extra vote THAT I GAVE UP THE NECESSITIES OF LIFE ON EXILE for.

Andrea 1

Sierra 1

Zeke 4

Ozzie gets blindsided with 5 votes and leaves saying, "good luck eating!"  

Jeff says, a punch was just thrown.  

Survivor: Adios!!

Let's just skip the bullshit preamble this week, shall we?  DA QUEEN IS GONE.  ADIOS!!!!!

Ahhhhhhhh.  

Ok.  Now I can do the update.  After the LAST blindside of JT, Aubry says she's impressed.  Da Queen explains it had to be done because of "da betrayal".  Aubry says that clearly Sandra is running the show and she needs to learn from the master.  

It's night on the Orange beach and Tai decides that, JUST LIKE ON THE OTHER BEACH, the idol is also buried at the water well.  OH COME THE FUCK ON PROBST!!!  REALLY???  Why not just give Tai a six pack of idols in a bubble pack and make the tough part him having to chew the container open.  He goes out in the dark, with a camera crew that apparently none of the sleepers can hear or see, throws water on the well walls and HOLY SHIT WHAT AMAZEMENT!!  Finds his second idol.  His groin is gonna get chaffed from all that cheap raffia in there.  Tai says "I a game changer".  

Challenge.  Or is it???  Drop your buffs!!  They are re-divided back into 2 tribes with Debbie left to go to Exile Island.  More on that ridiculousness in a minute. When told, she tells the totally FASCINATING AND LEWD story about the time as a child that she went off alone with a pony.....  Somewhere there is a pony with a baaaaaaad story to tell.  

Let's see them in their original colors to figure this out:  

Current Mana:

Troyzan

Michaela

Sierra

Hali

Aubry

Cirie

Brad

Current Nuku

Sandra

Varner

Tai

Ozzy

Andrea

Zeke

Sarah

So Mana is pretty well split 4-3 but Brad tries to make a Troy-Brad man connection.  Troy is a bit hesitant to get into a man alliance and get his balls whacked by the ladies.  He says, "we're not connected just because we're men".   So Brad now has an alliance of 3 with Sierra and Troy but needs a 4th.

On Nuku Sandra and Jeff are the odd men out.  Sandra AINT EVEN SCARED.  She's calm and collected because DA QUEEN STAYS DA QUEEN.  Zeke and Under-the-radar Ozzie decide Sandra has to go but also that their best bet is to make them feel comfortable and safe.  Andrea thinks Tai is scary.  

Zeke talks to Tai and tells him Sandra.  Tai agrees because he's terrified of her.  Zeke is telling Sandra and Jeff that the vote is Tai and he hopes Tai doesn't find out. Fortunately he has his balls full of idols.  

Ok, So here's the Debbie thing and I effing swear to god that they invented this on the fly to handle her.  Exile Island is basically a luxury yacht, probably where Probst actually stays during the taping with is little island niblets.  Debbie is gleefully running around the boat when another boat pulls up and.....it's Cochran.  She's awestruck because she thinks sex with Cochran JUST MIGHT be better than a pony.  He's no doubt like, "oh my god not Debbie".  He says his role is to talk strategy with her.  Debbie tells him everything is A-OK, and he's thinking, "then why did I get an emergency call OUT IN HOLLYWOOD to come handle a survivor problem??"  She tells him she's secure and he deduces that her fatal flaw was and is overconfidence.  He tells her there is no such thing as a great position and she confides she MIGHT have had a tiff with Brad before this happened.  Cochran points out to her that while she is on the yacht, Brad has time to tell people what a fucking nutter she is and push her out of the game.  He tells her she needs to go back and swallow her pride, mend fences, etc.  

He also gives her another advantage.  It's a choice of 3 options: a fake idol kit, and extra vote and a team challenge advantage.  She takes the extra vote.  She cries and he tells her "this could be a GAME CHANGER" for her.  Cochran is forced to hug her for a bit before he can get the hell out of dodge.  "You're gonna do great!!!"

Ok, I just gotta state the truth here and NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT, but Zeke and Varner have a little gay down time on the beach and "bond".  Jeff tells Zeke that he's scared and Zeke feels like he's a desperate person that he could maybe save.  He tells Jeff he's not at the bottom and that Zeke wants Tai to go home.  Jeff buys into it. "I'm in".  

Sandra asks Jeff what youse was talking about.  Jeff tells her that they are targeting Tai and she says she's in but it aint adding up.  "I'll take control.  They don't know Da Queen.  

Immunity Challenge.  Today the refrigerator magnets have lined up as follows:

Swim to a platform

Monkey bars

Lift heavy puzzle pieces

Put heavy puzzle pieces on a sled

Drag heavy sled up the beach using roller logs

Do puzzle

It's basically a blow out and Orange wins immunity sending Blue Nuku to tribal.  

At the campfire, Ozzie is sad that they lost but Zeke says they can now get rid of Sandra.  Sandra thinks it's time to work her magic.  She tells Zeke, Ozzy and Sarah that when Debbie comes back, having her, Tai and Aubry isn't going to be good for them come merge.  She tells them she could help them.  Sarah points out later that it was as if Sandra was grooming them.  Kind of like when your mom spit washed your hair down and them slapped you in the head.  That kind of grooming.  Ozzie admits he did make eye contact with her and felt for a moment his spirit begin to be sucked in the vortex, but then he woke up and remembered why she has to go.  BUT, he does think she is right about those 3.  

Tai is getting worried because everyone has disappeared. I was wondering if he was gonna look for a freaking 3rd idol for his jock.  He talks to Ozzie and Jeff and mentions that it's Sandra.  Jeff tells Sandra and she says it's all about setting Tai up and she's gonna twist it and he is GOING HOME. 

Tribal and Debbie returns.  

Andrea is all about getting rid of big threats

Ozzie says it's all about which of us returning hero's is the biggest threat

Probst points out that Ozzie was looking at Sandra when he said that.  She says, yep, it's probably me.  

Tai says it's accurate that Sandra is the target but that he is also worried because he took out Malcolm.  

Sarah indicates that she's heard a few names and says some people might be open still

Tai says that's what he's worried about because no one said any other names to him.  Says he thought it was all Sandra votes.

Sandra jumps on this and tells Tai she'll vote anyway he wants.  Tai whispers in her ear.

Sandra tells everyone he said Ozzy.  

Tai agrees that he said Ozzy because he is the biggest physical threat

Lots of craziness again ensues and people are talking about voting Tai behind his back.

Zeke points out to Tai that he constantly tells everyone he's looking for an idol.  

Varner asks if they can just vote.  So they do.  

Any idols?  Nope.

And after 94 days playing Survivor, DA QUEEN's torch is snuffed out.  ADIOS!!!

Survivor: Who ate the Sugar??

Good morning and welcome to the very sad Malcolm-less world of Survivor.  Malcolm was, of course, blindsided at the insanity tribal last week, and I agree with the comments from some of you that there will be new rules put in place next season regarding talking during tribal.  Poor Jeff didn't even get to use the psychobabble he especially looked up on the google machine.  

So, MALCOLM IS GONE.  Da Queen, Sandra, is royally pissed.  (See what I did there??)  She wants to know from JT why they went for Malcolm.  JT is majorly on the hot seat, and being in Sandra's cross hairs is not a place any human or goat ever wants to find themselves.  He SWEARS he did not tell them they were all going for Sierra.  Sandra says it's payback time.
JT decides he needs an idol and HOLY COW WHAT A FREAKING COINCIDENCE, he finds a clue after about 5 seconds of looking.  The clue tells him something about landmarks and WOW, he finds that clue in about 5 seconds.  Totally believable, doncha think??

Challenge and OMG MALCOLM IS GONE!!!  Ozzy is particularly bothered as he is now the big strong alpha dog.  The challenge is for PB&J, cookies also for team 1.  The tribe has to use a hook , and then a bow, digging for a ball, and then there is a balance beam with balls and then.....a slide puzzle.  Teams are given a few to strategize and Debbie ASKS TO DO THE BALANCE BEAM PORTION.  Troy is like, OK.

OK, so it was a really boring challenge to me, and I have notes but they are just names and arrows.  Teams had to go through the non-puzzle part of the challenge twice, and Hali did the beam the first time through and Debbie bungled her way through it the second time, dropping the ball multiple times.  And they lost.  And now do you all remember why Debbie was a psycho last time around??  Debbie goes into full crazy mode, blaming he loss on BRAD because he's such a dictator and was just "assigning jobs".

Sarah is all happy with the win but decides she needs options.  She talks to Troy, and since no one else is talking to him, she swears him to secrecy.  Sarah has decided the straight cop life isn't working for her so she's gonna play like a criminal because "they always win".  Hmmmm, someone seems a bit burned out.  Troy would love to work with Sarah (or anyone) and not have to use his idol.

Back in crazy land, Debbie is continuing to melt down.  Jesus she is so effing annoying.  And I know I am not the only one who has worked with these types of nut jobs.  Brad says she's "unpredictable" which is hilarious because SHE'S A FREAKING NUTCASE.  She's ranting, "I'm just doing what I'm told, it's Marsha, Marsha, MARSHA!!!!   I get no respect as a double naught spy!!  I've been TRAINED!!!  HALI lost us the challenge because she took too long on HER part of the balance beam.  "Brad is so far up your ass he's looking out of your eyes".  JESUS do I love a good meltdown that is not me.

Debbie rants to Tai that  Brad has NO RESPECT.  HALI LOST US PB&J!!!!!  Tai is actually scared of the crazy lady.  And she's running down the beach with her blanky during all of this.  And then she does push ups and says the reason for her six pack is all of the times she works out instead of losing it on people.  It really is EPIC.  Like all nutbags, she now has them all around her and Brad is trying to apologize.  Brad, I had your back but YOU CRUSHED MY HEAAAAAAART.

So, in other crazy news, JT does not like Michaela.  Apparently they still have coffee left over from last week, and a bit of sugar.  Michaela asks JT to make her a cup of 7 drips of coffee and a scoop of sugar.  JT is mad and apparently they are the only 2 that take sugar in their coffee, because as you know, when you are starving on Survivor you need to make sure you get your coffee the way you like it.  Sandra decides to eat the rest of the sugar so JT will blame Michaela.  And it works like a charm.  Varner is completely amused at how Sandra manipulated the situation.  Michaela is predictably mad as well.

It's mealtime at Mana.  And it's awkward.  Tai doesn't like the tension so he decides to ask the magic idol fairies for another idol and HOLY SHIT WHAT A COINCIDENCE, he finds a clue inside a tree knot.  Now, not that I'm cruel or anything but why do they always hide the clues inside tree knots??  And why, in the freaking jungle, does no one ever get stung and need emergency care from sticking their hands inside a dark tree knot??  And why in all of these seasons, has no one ever DIED from Survivor??  I mean, come on the odds are pretty good.

Challenge:

Race over a wall
Roll a giant wooden cube
Unwind keys
Chest of sandbags
Another freaking balance beam
Slingshot.

Seriously, I think they are just using refrigerator magnets to decide what to do in challenges this season.

Debbie wants balance beam again.  I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS DONE GYMNASTICS FOR 10 YEARS.  I took 2 minutes to do the balance beam and Hali took 10 minutes.  Brad wants Hali and Tai, so Debbie decides she in fact WON'T DO IT.

During the race she's all "hey Brad did you see I was first over the wall???" annoying.  Tai has some trouble with the beam and Debbie is all "I'm glad we didn't have the gymnast do it".
At the end, Brad kills the slingshot and they win.  It comes down to JT and Ozzy shooting, and Ozzy beats him to win th second immunity.  Nuku goes to tribal.

JT pleads his case that he is stronger and more pleasant than Michaela.  Aubry wants Michaela to go.  They decide to call her crime sugar napping.  Sandra, meanwhile, wants vengeance for Malcolm.  She talks to Jeff and they wonder if JT has an idol.  They realize it's going to come down to a struggle between JT and Michaela.

Tribal
Sandra says that they blamed JT for last week's tribal because someone leaked Sierra's name.
JT points out that Malcolm was the last person he wanted to go home and that the vote certainly wasn't what he wanted
Michaela dislikes JT being the boss around camp
JT says they've tried to babysit Michaela but camp is difficult right now
Sandra says that JT thinks Michaela licked the sugar container, and they all laugh.
Sandra also says they are keeping strong
Micheala is all hurt and says she's not surprised
JT again says they are all babysitting her
Michaela says she washed dishes makes food etc.
They all begin to pile on Michaela and JT starts to fluff it up, saying she's just filing space.
Aubry says she likes Michaela but it's a quality of life issue. Varner says it's complicated situation but there's too much arguing at camp.
Aubry: the vote is clear
JT: Yep
Sandra:Yep.

They vote and Sandra says the queen stays queen, adios!

Any idol?  NOPE
Jeff starts to read the votes and Michaela takes a cup and a bottle out of her bag and slowly begins to drink water all cool.

And with that, JT is voted off.
Aubry says, damn you guys are good.  Michaela says, hey who ate the sugar?  Sandra says, I did and they all laugh.