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Simone was voted off at the end of episode 2, and she apparently left all of her clothes which include thigh high boots, and a strange leisure suit.  So, tell me, I thought they only got to carry their little survivor satchel. Where was all of this clothing??  Remember the olden days when they got one luxury item??  Ryan and Patrick try on her clothes and discuss why they like Ali waaaay more than the fisherman, Lauren.  Which is soooo hard to understand when Ali jumped off the boat and decided to only wear a pink push up bra for the next 39 days.  

Lauren and Ali chat in the toilet/ocean, while Lauren scrubs out her armpits.  Lauren is a single mother who feels like she's the only adult on the tribe.  Lauren wants Patrick gone after his saying MOST people can be trusted at the last tribal.  Ali is an ally of Patrick, thinks he is strong but also stupid and hard to control.  

Crissy and Ben are happily driving the train and are discussing who goes next?  They think Alan is a hot head but JP is clueless.  At least JP catches fish.  Ashley is still hot for JP, who she thinks is more of a provider than Alan.  But, they have to hide their relationship because of Alan.  She wants Alan gone so they can get back to flirting.  Ashley talks to Ben about Alan, keeps working the JP angle.  Ben thinks JP is like a puppy but Ashley points out he could be their puppy.  Ben reads the whole thing as a continuation of the power couple play and it kind of works against her.

On the Healer tribe, everything is GREAT!!  Everyone is HAPPY!!!  Except Joe is worried about Jessica and Cole getting too close.  Fishing apparently is their secret "alone time".  Jessica reveals that she is from a super religious background and is a virgin.  Why someone from a super religious background would want to go on a half nude reality show is one of life's puzzlements.   During their alone time, Cole tells Jessica that Mike doesn't have the idol, which he knows because Joe does.  He thinks she is his dream girl.  She is so excited that he shared his secret with her that she kisses him on the cheek!  

Patrick is relentless about searching for an idol. Ryan realizes it is making people paranoid.  Patrick has idol fever.  He owns a moving company and works harder than anyone else.  Hmmm.  Personally I think he stands around bullshitting while his underpaid workers do the moving.  Ali also realizes Patrick is a putz and tries to talk to him about his lack of social game and his relentless idol searching.  Ultimately Patrick decides he has to be himself!  So, you do asshole buddy.  

Joe is annoying everyone by being picky about food.  He thinks the potatoes are undercooked so he spits them out.  Desi think he's rubbing people the wrong way.  Cole decides he doesn't like Joe having an idol and he and Jessica discuss blindsiding him.  Cole "word vomits" to basically most of the tribe that Joe has an idol and they should use the element of surprise to blindside him.  Jessica is freaking out because it's too soon to start talk about a blindside.  He tells Roark who is full in, and he also tells Desi.  Jessica is pissed off.  

Immunity Challenge:

Obstacles, sand bags to knock blocks off a high bar, build a tower with the blocks.  Wanna know?  Ist place is chickens, second is 12 eggs.

During the sandbag tossing part of the event, Patrick won't let someone tag in.  Lauren is pissed because she has played baseball for ever.  

The heroes get the chickens, the healers get the eggs and Patrick made the hustlers lose and go to tribal.  

Lauren is pissed.  Patrick finds her in the toilet ocean and she confronts him with why he didn't tag out.  Tells him she played ball.  Says he was a one man team.  She asks if she's the one going home and he is all grinning and lying saying he doesn't know.  She calls him on it and he's just a douche nozzle about it.  Lauren decides she has to work it hard to save her ass.  

Lauren tells Ali what a douche nozzle Patrick was to her, just grinning at her even though he lost the challenge.  Ali starts to wonder if it's worth dragging a douche nozzle around with her.  Lauren, in her infinite wisdom talks to Ryan and literally says, "hey you're an oddball and I'm the old lady we should work together". LOL!!  Ryan and Devon decide they are in charge.  Devon makes the argument for going into the merge with Lauren because she's steady.  Weakling Ryan, who Lauren could literally kick his ass, is all worried about being strong and keeping Patrick for strength.  He also thinks Lauren doesn't fit into the tribe.  

Tribal

Lauren starts right in on the loss and how whatever they are doing isn't working.  Points to Patrick right away as the one who took the game as his own

Patrick says he sees her concern and that he shouldn't have been a douche nozzle.  

Lauren again repeats that she used to be the female Ty Cobb of baseball.  

Patrick says he was experiencing an adrenaline RUSH throwing the sandbags.

Lauren says, "I understand that SON, but we lost...

Ali says she isn't dwelling on the past but is focused on the future. 

Patrick is all happy to not be held at all accountable.

Lauren also points out that Patrick is a good idol hunter, says that she hasn't looked yet

Patrick grins like a fool and says it's a relief that she hasn't looked.  

Lauren thinks one of them will be blindsided.  

Jeff starts to ask Ryan something about "you know when you are in a relationship..." and Ryan stops him to say he's never been in a relationship.  "Ya know anyone??"  

Ryan admits that this is really not a happy or successful group.  

Devon pipes up that their chemistry is bad and he's voting to improve the chemistry of the tribe,

Lauren says she is doing the same to keep the tribe rolling and to make them better

Ryan states that they really need to be strong socially at the merge

Patrick states that he is good at making friends so he should stay

Ali asks, if that's true, why can't he get along with Lauren??

Patrick is douche nozzley smiling and saying he welcomes the criticism and it's a wake up call and a time to grow up

Ryan says this is a watershed moment for the tribe and after this vote they will have real unity.

Vote:

Patrick 3, Lauren 1.  Dude wasn't even a good idol hunter!!

BUT WAIT, THERE'S ANOTHER WEEK TO DISCUSS!!!!!

Bang, right out of the gate, DROP YOUR BUFFS!!  They are being divided into 3 new tribes, so not really a merge.  

On the new red tribe (they have names but does anyone give a shit??):

Jessica

Cole

Mike

Lauren

Ben 

On the new blue tribe:

Ashley

Alan

Joe

Desi

Devon

And on the Yellow tribe:

Ryan

Ali 

Crissy

JP 

Roark      

So, an interesting mix of teams!  They get to do a challenge for PB&J and potato chips.  

3 of each team are tied to ropes and they have to basically unbraid themselves, do an over under thing, and more unbraiding.  Finally hook a sled and pull in puzzle pieces, then do a puzzle.

The new yellow team, wins.  Ben says it'sa comfort they can all work together but there is a 3:1:1 ratio and he has a target on his back.  

Back at camp they are all introducing themselves and eating their sammies when Jessica finds a "special advantage" in her chip bag.  It gives her the power to block one person from voting at tribal, or give it to someone on the losing tribe. She tells Cole about it.  And Cole runs around like an idiot telling Ben and Lauren in some attempt to gain their trust.  Lauren isn't sure it it's bullshit or not but she decides to use the info.  

Roark is alone on the new tribe.  I actually forgot there was a Roark.  Ryan sees an advantage of reminding Crissy that he gave her the initial special advantage.  She asks why her? And he tells her he got a good vibe.  Crissy thinks maybe he has some Freudian complex and really wanted to play with his mother.  LOL.

Devi and Joe realize that Devon is the swing vote.  Ashley is less than thrilled to be with crazy Alan.  They talk and he kind of apologizes to her but not really.  They both realize they need to work together to get rid of one of the healers.  Desi and Joe talk to Devon and Joe comes out like a bull in a china cabinet telling Devon that the 2 heroes have already talked to him in an attempt to get them to agree to vote him out.  Joe admits he'll lie to get what he wants.  

Jessica and Cole are all giddy to be together and Lauren mentions to Ben that they are always together.  Lauren asks Mike if there was an advantage yesterday?  He says no and she tells him, "Oh, I heard there was one in a chip bag".  Mike tells Jessica that they know about the advantage and she gets all pissed off and confronts Cole.  He sheepishly admits that he told Ben and says he is sorry.  She is livid because he is a dumb ass that can't hold a secret for a day and he really hurt her use of the advantage.  She is upset that she formed a relationship with someone she shouldn't have.  

Immunity Challenge

Carry a crate of puzzle pieces through a table obstacle, under a net, and untie the pieces, some how there is a lock and a key in this sequence, and then do the puzzle.  Ali has no shirt again.  

The red tribe is 1, yellow is 2 and the blue tribe is going to tribal.  Jessica has the advantage and her goal is to help the healers.  

Devon is clearly the swing vote.  Ashley talks to him and he's kind of stand offish because as he tells her, Joe told him they want him out.  She says that's not true and Devon thinks Joe is a sketchy dude.  He says he felt like he was talking to a used car salesman the entire time.  Joe is a snake.  Desi oversees this and tells Joe she saw Devon and Ashley talking and then hugging.  Joe decides he has to use the idol and make sure they target him not Desi.  He goes all asshole on the tribe and gets into it with Alan.  Alan takes the bait and says "someone is going home BRO, and you just put your name out there".  Joe says he is voting for Ashley.  Alan asks what makes Desi stronger than Ashley?

Desi is upset because Joe just blew everything up.  Joe tells her he has an idol but she says "yea but now I'm the target".  She asks him to play the idol for her because he came out all confident and they probably know he has an idol.  

Devon gets the secret advantage.  I think something was left out of the editing here and that either Joe or Desi got the advantage to GIVE to Devon.  Thoughts?

Tribal

Alan has a mean face and he says "people were anxious to get to tribal and get this started"

Joe says he was anxious and already threw Ashley's name out.

Ashley-his actions might effect him tonight

Desi says she got thrown under the bus as well.

Joe says he got information from it all, thank you Alan

Devon says he is the swing vote and has to decide who he can work with

Joe says Alan wants me out-there are no cracks in the whole heroes tribe for Devon to fit in.

Alan says Joe is just scratching and clawing like a guy going over a cliff

Time to vote?  Devon says he has a special advantage but as he reads it, he realizes it isn't as special advantage for him, and his vote isn't going to count.  

Any idols?  Joe pulls it out and...... decides to play it for himself.  

Vote is 2 Alan. 2 Joe and Alan is off the island.  Joe tells Ashley "I read your face, thank you baby girl".  

Jeff says, You can make plans but the Survivor Gods don't care about your plans".  Deep, blue eyes, deep. Man, I need a drink after all this!!!  Have a good Survivor Wednesday people!!  

Survivor Week 2

Welcome to week 2's update!  How are you all doing?  Everyone figure out who their contestant is?  After last week, you are officially stuck with your losers.  

Last week ended with an Olympian going home to keep the tribe strong.  Chrissy did not use the special idol but intends to use is as a "decoy" idol.  Alan was not expecting tribal to be so crazy, although he did everything in his power to make it so.  He's pleased with himself because he created the "power couple" suspicion.  Yea, you also created the "Alan is a crazy mofo" suspicion but, hey, enjoy your time there!  

Ashley thinks Alan is nuts.  She talks to Cowboy Ben and Chrissy after tribal and tells them there is no power couple!  Ben isn't sure who to trust but he knows the alliance of 4 is done.  

Over on Hustlers the Devon and Ryan bromance continues.  I literally expect one of them to utter "I wish I knew how to quit you" as they are voted off.  Devon actually said "I only smile when I talk strategy with you".  Ryan states that no one is connecting with Simone because she is "weird", which is hilarious on this tribe!  And, due to awesome editing, we get to see Simone coming out of the water toilet and talking about finally being able to take am aqua dump.  They tell her it is probably her super power.  You know, I have been thinking for the last 10 seasons that all of those scenes where they are all out in the water hanging and talking, that they were also shitting but learning it's true is disgusting.  Yea, makes sure those fishing kits given out as "rewards" come with as shit load of Clorox.  

Back to Simone, who says she is not an outdoors person, can't figure out how to turn on the camp air conditioning, yet she is good under pressure.  To prove herself she guts a fish with the knowledge she googled.  Ali is trying to work with Simone, because she thinks she's a useful idiot.  Ali tries to give her a motivational speech.  Speaking of Ali, is there an official padded bra of Survivor?  These ladies are all rocking the slightly padded, molded cup wonders.  Hey Donna Barnette-might be a marketing idea for you!  Ali's is pink and might I add fits her like a glove!  

On Healers, Jessica and Cole are continuing their flirtation.  " I think she's supercute but she's 30 so I guess she wouldn't go for a hot buff body with a 8 pack like me".  LOL!!!  Seriously dude, as long as you don't live in your parent's basement I think you have a shot!  Desi, the African American woman who neither my husband or I remembered ever seeing on episode 1 is apparently a former Miss Virginia.  2013 and 2016 under some strange system change.  Joe and Mike joke about being on the wrong tribe because everyone other than them are beautiful.  Joe is kinda bonding with Mike but he doesn't want to because he wants to be the alpha non trusting asshole type of player.  He's having a hard time idol searching because his scam is to try and make everyone else thing Mike has the idol but he does run into the jungle looking while everyone else is flirting.  He finds a clue on a tree and finds Cole to ask him about it.  He thinks the clue refers to the raft on the beach, so he tells Cole about it and says "I figured you had already found the idol, WHICH IS OK"  in his best passive aggressive voice.  Cole goes back to the tree and helps Joe figure out the clue is for the well and they find the clue together.  Joe is happy for 5 seconds before declaring Cole has too much knowledge now and "I might have to put a target on his back".  

JP goes fishing and gets a lobster!!  The heroes are all thrilled to eat it, even without melted butter.  He states that he and Ashley aren't a couple for several reasons, mostly because he isn't getting any.  So that romance thing is on the back burner.  

Chrissy decides she needs a partner and goes shopping.  She and JP joke that no one would consider them a power couple, hahahah, because she's so FREAKING OLD you know.  She decides not to pursue him because he's not that smart.  She also doesn't really trust Ashley and we KNOW Alan is crazy so she talks to Cowboy Ben and they decide they are the perfect NON power couple because she's strategic and he's social.  He agrees to forgo his original manly alliance with Alan.

Devon begins the day with yoga on Hustlers.  They then find a crab and Patrick gets all nuts playing with it and yelling.  Crabs scare him but he decides he needs to loudly conquer that fear.  He says he is a "wild banshee" and his strategy is to keep everyone having FUN!!!  Which would be a good strategy if he wasn't a) redheaded and 2) fucking annoying.  (Sorry about the F-bomb Donna's Mom Betty!  But he really is more than non-f-bomb annoying)  .  Lauren isn't thrilled with Patrick as he is getting on her nerves.  She thinks he is a 25 year old boy who needs to be told to SIT STILL and dial the volume down from 10 to 2.  Lauren is not what one would consider a ball of fun!  She is fisherwoman and I assume spends looooong hours alone.  The social part of the game is difficult for her and she tries to worm her way in with Ali, because nothing says PARTY GIRL like a pink bra!  Ali is surprised that Patrick's name is coming up as someone to go home so early yet she is getting tired of babysitting him.

Immunity Challenge

It's a swim thing.  Dive in, untie puzzle pieces, slide them through a cage and put together a cool sign post puzzle.  Wanna know?  Fishing kits.  With poop scooping nets.

Ali and Simone are doing the puzzle and although they get there first, they suck.  Or as Jeff said "IF IT WAS EASY IT WOULD NOT BE SURVIVOR".  Look for that little gem to show up on a puzzle some day!

The healers come back from last to win first immunity.  Heroes are second and the hustlers are going to tribal.. Devon thinks Simone is least valuable and has to go.  For some added drama, editing makes it appear to be between useless Simone and Annoying Patrick.  

Simone apologizes back at camp and laments how they were all bonding so well and someone has to go home.  She decides she has to shape the narrative around Patrick being annoying and not trustworthy.  She talks to Lauren and Ali, and Lauren agrees that although he is strong, he can't follow instructions for shit.  And he's a redhead.  

Patrick talks to Ryan about how they are both safe and how it's clearly Simone.  Patrick tells Ali it's Simone and she's like, OK.  

Ali talks to Ryan about Patrick and he says NO WAY, we'd lose every challenge.  She points out that they can control Simone but Patrick is a loose cannon.  Ryan agrees that Patrick is like a newborn that you have to watch constantly.  

Tribal:  Get fire

What's the vibe Ryan?  It's sad that we lost.  This is like a birthday party for the kid no  one likes that no one wants to go to.

Lauren says it's more like a funeral!

Ali gets to be the one to say "yes Jeff, trust is important" 

Patrick is asked about the fact that everyone who is voted off somehow impacts your game. He agrees but STRENGTH!

Ryan says it's physicality, social dynamics and that there are 6 agendas and one plan.

Simone argues that the old school is just about challenges but now it's more social dynamic

Ali says this vote will show where everyone stands

Patrick says "trust is huge, I can trust MOST here", which is apparently a huge faux pas and everyone gets all bent out of shape that he didn't say ALL.  He mumbles how he meant ALL but no one is buying it.  He says he's now nervous but he's trustworthy and wants to stay.  

Simone also says she wants to be here 100% even if the air conditioning doesn't work.

Vote:  1 Patrick. 4 Simone.  

Survivor: And we are off!

Hello and welcome to Season 35 of AMERICA'S LONGEST RUNNING SOCIAL EXPERIMENT (TM).  This season again begins on a boat, and teams (are they still called tribes?) are divided into 3:  Heroes, Healers and Hustlers (not the pervy magazine kind, unfortunately).  We first meet Ben who is a marine, and therefore a hero.  Also on that team is Chrissy who is a mom.  And therefore also a hero.  She's also 46 and AN OLD LADY.  The healers are people who, HEAL.  And we are introduced to Cole who is a hot although childbait Wilderness Therapy Guide.    Mike is a nerdy sex doctor.  Basically he's also 43 but no one will say a word about HIM being old.  Finally, the hustlers are people who "get shit done".  Alli is a personal assistant to someone on Youtube, because that is now a job.  Ryan is a bellhop, a geek and a chronic masturbater.  I've also read on social media that his claim to fame is wearing a turtleneck on Survivor and would like to correct that-he's wearing a MOCK TURTLE.  

So, they have a few minutes to grab supplies from the big boat and then go to their little boats when Jeff gets to ring the bell.  In a twist they paddle to shore, and hold one person up to get fire from high up torches.  Team 1 gets a fully stocked fire kit, team 2 gets flint and team 3 gets nothing.  Personally?  I like watching the ding dong try to make fire without help.  What evs.  There's also a secret advantage.

Everyone grabs shit and throws it overboard where about 80% of it appears to sink and very little supplies end up in the little boats.  Ryan finds the secret and shoves it down his pants.  The hustlers take off paddling and GETTIN IT DONE the wrong way.  Healers get the fire, heroes get the flint and the hustlers are lost at sea.  

Healers arrive at camp and find a big fire. We meet Roark who is a social worker, Jessica who is a nurse practitioner who thinks Cole is hot.  They're all standing around saying how they are gonna be the winning team because they are so awesome.  And then we meet Joe, who is a probation officer and an asshole.  "I wanted a tribe I could manipulate.  They're my victims".  He's like a little TONY.  

Heroes we meed Ashley who is a lifeguard and has the hots for JP, a firefighter who is in agreement.  They bond and immediately discuss bringing in Cowboy (Ben) as a group aligned.  Alan is an NFL player and do not fucking get me started on how that makes him a hero.  He's kind of an asshole too which makes sense since he played for the Cowboys.  He talks to Ben and they agree they need STRENGTH.  Alan right away gets it up his ass that JP and Ashley are aligned and he starts shit stirring immediately.  But, he agrees to an alliance with them so he doesn't have to be with the MOM SQUAD, Chrissy (46) and Kristina who is a freaking olympian but 46 as well.  

On Hustlers they land on their beach and as far as I can tell the women all strip down to bras and panties to build shelter.  Ok, well NOT Lauren who is a meaty fisherman.  There's a redheaded guy named Patrick that is going to sunburn like nobody's business.  He's a small business owner and seems to be aligning with Ali.  Ryan wanders off to check his advantage which is a post vote play immunity good only for the first tribal, and if his team isn't going to tribal he has to will it to someone who is anonymously.  

Healer Mike says his 10 year old told him to look for an idol, so he goes to find "firewood" and scopes around.  Joe gets his jock in a wad over this and bullying like confronts Mike about looking and possibly finding an idol.  Tells Mike he's SUSPECT and Mike thinks he's a bully. 

Hustler Devon is a surf instructor and Ryan thinks a really good guy so they bond and Ryan tells him about his advantage.  Devon suggests Ryan not run around telling everyone about the advantage.  

On Heroes, NFL non-hero Alan is obsessed with JP and Ashley.  At night he confronts them about JP having an idol and JP is basically forced to drop his pants to prove he doesn't have an idol.  I literally hate this bullying shit.  

Immunity Challenge:  Climb up a cargo net to a tower, pull a cart up to the tower, ride the cart down like a roller coaster, pick one of  3 table mazes, drag the maze to another tower and do the maze.  WHEW.  Oh, and Jeff announces that ties are back in this season.  Does that mean we don't have to do that rock drawing shit?  

Team 1: Healers

Team 2: Hustlers who also get flint

Team 3: Heroes going to tribal.  

Alan, Ben, Ashley and JP: who's going home?  And then Alan decides "I'm blowing it up" because of Ashley and JP.  Alan then talks to the moms, claims no one is talking to him. He gets them all excited and brings Ben over.  Ben is like WTF?  Alan tells Ben he's with him but doesn't trust Ashley and JP.  On the way to tribal  Chrissy finds the package.

Tribal.  GET FIRE BECAUSE IT REPRESENTS YOUR LIFE IN THIS GAME.  Here, Jeff, have your cookie.

Ben: the game is exciting and scary

Chrissy: I felt I don't belong to this team from the start

Katrina, whose first and last words of the show are "I felt the same"

Ashley: On day 2 we had drama from Alan

Alan: all they do is deny, deny, deny

Ashley: he even make JP strip to prove he doesn't have an idol

Chrissy calls them a power couple

Ashely says "there is no me and JP

Alan: I know what I know

Ben: lets just do what we planned and hash it out later

Alan: I had to take a risk so people know what is going on.  

Vote:

Katrina 5

Ashley 1

The special advantage is unused.