Survivor: And we are off!

Hello and welcome to Season 35 of AMERICA'S LONGEST RUNNING SOCIAL EXPERIMENT (TM).  This season again begins on a boat, and teams (are they still called tribes?) are divided into 3:  Heroes, Healers and Hustlers (not the pervy magazine kind, unfortunately).  We first meet Ben who is a marine, and therefore a hero.  Also on that team is Chrissy who is a mom.  And therefore also a hero.  She's also 46 and AN OLD LADY.  The healers are people who, HEAL.  And we are introduced to Cole who is a hot although childbait Wilderness Therapy Guide.    Mike is a nerdy sex doctor.  Basically he's also 43 but no one will say a word about HIM being old.  Finally, the hustlers are people who "get shit done".  Alli is a personal assistant to someone on Youtube, because that is now a job.  Ryan is a bellhop, a geek and a chronic masturbater.  I've also read on social media that his claim to fame is wearing a turtleneck on Survivor and would like to correct that-he's wearing a MOCK TURTLE.  

So, they have a few minutes to grab supplies from the big boat and then go to their little boats when Jeff gets to ring the bell.  In a twist they paddle to shore, and hold one person up to get fire from high up torches.  Team 1 gets a fully stocked fire kit, team 2 gets flint and team 3 gets nothing.  Personally?  I like watching the ding dong try to make fire without help.  What evs.  There's also a secret advantage.

Everyone grabs shit and throws it overboard where about 80% of it appears to sink and very little supplies end up in the little boats.  Ryan finds the secret and shoves it down his pants.  The hustlers take off paddling and GETTIN IT DONE the wrong way.  Healers get the fire, heroes get the flint and the hustlers are lost at sea.  

Healers arrive at camp and find a big fire. We meet Roark who is a social worker, Jessica who is a nurse practitioner who thinks Cole is hot.  They're all standing around saying how they are gonna be the winning team because they are so awesome.  And then we meet Joe, who is a probation officer and an asshole.  "I wanted a tribe I could manipulate.  They're my victims".  He's like a little TONY.  

Heroes we meed Ashley who is a lifeguard and has the hots for JP, a firefighter who is in agreement.  They bond and immediately discuss bringing in Cowboy (Ben) as a group aligned.  Alan is an NFL player and do not fucking get me started on how that makes him a hero.  He's kind of an asshole too which makes sense since he played for the Cowboys.  He talks to Ben and they agree they need STRENGTH.  Alan right away gets it up his ass that JP and Ashley are aligned and he starts shit stirring immediately.  But, he agrees to an alliance with them so he doesn't have to be with the MOM SQUAD, Chrissy (46) and Kristina who is a freaking olympian but 46 as well.  

On Hustlers they land on their beach and as far as I can tell the women all strip down to bras and panties to build shelter.  Ok, well NOT Lauren who is a meaty fisherman.  There's a redheaded guy named Patrick that is going to sunburn like nobody's business.  He's a small business owner and seems to be aligning with Ali.  Ryan wanders off to check his advantage which is a post vote play immunity good only for the first tribal, and if his team isn't going to tribal he has to will it to someone who is anonymously.  

Healer Mike says his 10 year old told him to look for an idol, so he goes to find "firewood" and scopes around.  Joe gets his jock in a wad over this and bullying like confronts Mike about looking and possibly finding an idol.  Tells Mike he's SUSPECT and Mike thinks he's a bully. 

Hustler Devon is a surf instructor and Ryan thinks a really good guy so they bond and Ryan tells him about his advantage.  Devon suggests Ryan not run around telling everyone about the advantage.  

On Heroes, NFL non-hero Alan is obsessed with JP and Ashley.  At night he confronts them about JP having an idol and JP is basically forced to drop his pants to prove he doesn't have an idol.  I literally hate this bullying shit.  

Immunity Challenge:  Climb up a cargo net to a tower, pull a cart up to the tower, ride the cart down like a roller coaster, pick one of  3 table mazes, drag the maze to another tower and do the maze.  WHEW.  Oh, and Jeff announces that ties are back in this season.  Does that mean we don't have to do that rock drawing shit?  

Team 1: Healers

Team 2: Hustlers who also get flint

Team 3: Heroes going to tribal.  

Alan, Ben, Ashley and JP: who's going home?  And then Alan decides "I'm blowing it up" because of Ashley and JP.  Alan then talks to the moms, claims no one is talking to him. He gets them all excited and brings Ben over.  Ben is like WTF?  Alan tells Ben he's with him but doesn't trust Ashley and JP.  On the way to tribal  Chrissy finds the package.

Tribal.  GET FIRE BECAUSE IT REPRESENTS YOUR LIFE IN THIS GAME.  Here, Jeff, have your cookie.

Ben: the game is exciting and scary

Chrissy: I felt I don't belong to this team from the start

Katrina, whose first and last words of the show are "I felt the same"

Ashley: On day 2 we had drama from Alan

Alan: all they do is deny, deny, deny

Ashley: he even make JP strip to prove he doesn't have an idol

Chrissy calls them a power couple

Ashely says "there is no me and JP

Alan: I know what I know

Ben: lets just do what we planned and hash it out later

Alan: I had to take a risk so people know what is going on.  

Vote:

Katrina 5

Ashley 1

The special advantage is unused.