Quick Survivor Update

OK, I have VERY IMPORTANT pottery work to do but I'm taking a few minutes to not disappoint y'all.  

Genie is mad she didn't know about Brad going home.  She pulls the FINE, YOU COOK AND CLEAN FOR YOURSELVES motto that EVERY wife and mother is familiar with.  I'M NOT YOUR MOM.  LOL.  SOOOO RELATE TO THIS.  Shan rubs salt in the wound by telling her SHE was really Brad's #1 AND he had an advantage he never told Genie about.  JD overhears her say that and is like, WAIT A FRIGGIN MINUTE.  Shan says "I didn't tell ya because that was BRAD'S stuff to tell.  

C'MON IN!  (As a side note you would not believe, or maybe you would, how many people on FB and Twitter swear they will never watch the show again because Jeff isn't saying Guys.)  Reward Challenge-I forgot those existed.  There's a ball you have to throw up on a track and then race to the end and catch it, then there's a dig for sandbags I think that you have to land on a perch.  Wanna know?  First winner gets a visit from a "Fiji expert" who will tell you how to catch food and shit, as if there isn't a Piggly Wiggly on Fiji.  Second winners get a fish to share.  

OK, basically Heather who has been totally under the radar absolutely cannot do the first part of the challenge and they have no chance.  She's I think 52 years old and acts 71.  Seriously I'm offended that the show put her on to make us 50 plus women look so bad.  I'm even say the bitch is lying about her age. Green is #1 and Yellow is #2.  Heather is all crying her 71 year old eyes out and everyone is being really  nice to her.  Deshawn and Danny tell her about games they lost and stuff.  Jeff has to get in on it by saying even though she sucked ASS at it she never gave up.  Heather says she let herself down but Danny says she gave 100% of what any 71 year old could give,  Jeff says this is why he keeps coming back (well that and the money)- the moments when people are vulnerable and then get love from their tribe, and THEN get their lazy asses voted off,  Good times!

Evvie now believes Jeff will one day congratulate the yellow tribe for going from the most losing to the most winning tribe in history.  Uhuh.  Tiffany wants to make sure people saw how great she was.  "Once you get the momentum it all starts to go your way".  Then there's this scene with baby turtles and a metaphor about never giving up and JESUS  I wanted to see a hawk swoop down and eat the little guy.

The expert Fiji guy is sadly not wearing fake clothing nor does he have a bone through his nose.  Frankly I think he works in tech.  Anywhoo he shows them how to catch and cook fish so now Ricardo thinks they can live without Mom Genie.  

Erika on Blue feels bad for Heather.  She also feels like she wants to WAKE THE GAME UP and do something RECKLESS.  For god sake they haven't even been to tribal!  She's telling this to Deshawn, frankly I think she wants to get reckless and have a little unprotected Island sex, but she starts bad mouthing Sydney.  Deshawn doesn't want Island sex AND now thinks Erika is snakey.  Deshawn runs to Sydney and tells her what Erika said and Sydney is all impressed that she's seen as the threat of threats.  Syndey is also looking to make A BIG MOVE, but I don't think it's Island sex.  "She hates me 'cause she aint me".  Gag.  Deshawn and Sydney tell Danny and they start talking like they want to throw the challenge and go to tribal.  Danny isn't completely onboard with throwing the challenge because THAT NEVER WORKS OUT RIGHT.

Immunity Challenge-no one ways the 3 way advantage special words and I'm all confused why they are ignoring it this week, other than the fact that NO ONE can keep track of all of these advantages and idols.  

Challenge is to race through the water, collecting 3 heavy bags of logs that will be fed into a log thing, pushing out a key that unlocks rings and HELLO we got ourselves a ring toss challenge!!  

D & D literally try so hard to throw the challenge and they are still too manly.  Yellow is literally crawling.  At one point Deshawn is tying and retying knots on the bags.  Jeff says Blue is acting like they are on a PICNIC.  Naseer steps up and RAMS those logs into the log thing like he does it every day.  Deshawn hopes to catch the key and lose it but Erika finds it.  Deshawn decides he can still throw it at the rings.  And Naseer jumps in again and starts drilling the rings.  I think there are a lot of traveling circuses in Sri Lanka.  Yellow comes from behind with ANOTHER WIN, followed by Blue. Deshawn is disappointed.  

Green to tribal and Shan is all mad about JD not being able to do the ring toss.  Genie says she's thinking about rolling the special dice and makes sure everyone knows it.  JD is in a tough spot and doesn't want her to roll it because he knows he's probably second choice.  JD tells Ricardo that Genie wants to vote him out.  He says he wants to be in an alliance with him and Shan.  Genie tells Shan she wants Ricardo gone.  Shan says she's trying to convince her it's JD but it's really Genie.  Shan decides to act really paranoid to get JD to give her his advantage again.  JD believes she's freaking out and agrees to give it to her.  HEY JD, OZZY WOULD NEVER HAVE DONE THAT.  

Tribal

Genie says she is exhausted and it wasn't a good day for her

JD says tonight seems like a turning point

Ricardo says every vote hurts

Shan says we are all so close now (without laughing).  Says something about them even farting on each other.

JD says it's easier to play from your couch at home because the viewer has info the players don't.

Genie says she was blind sided last tribal, says she thought since they ate the magic reward fish that they would have energy.

Ricardo wonders if the 4 of them are 2 pairs or if it is a 3-1 like is seems

Genie says it's 3-1 and she's the 1. Throws out using the dice again

JD says he respects that but then you could lose our vote and mess up someone else who is willing to work with you. He winks at her and CAN WE STOP A MINUTE AND TALK ABOUT HIS HAIR??

Shan says going home before you have gotten to where you wanted to get would be hard

JD says he would lose the idea of being the big OZZY player .  Says he knows he isn't killing it but he still has boxes to check.

Genie says she will miss everyone and that they have bonded.  

JD says Survivor isn't supposed to be easy.

Time to Vote. 

Genie gets one vote and JD is VOTED OFF.  But don't be sad because YOU KNOW he has returning player written all over him.  

Survivor 41:3 How many idols/advantages are we??

 How many advantages and idols and steal a votes and lose a votes does it take to make it seem like this show has jumped the shark?  At one point I asked my husband-is this a new advantage or is this the original advantage and he just shook his head.  

So, Liana is crying because, I don't know.  Hungry?  She knows she fucked up by aligning herself with Tiffany?  She says she came here to play and wants to be a good player.  Try harder Li.

Tiffany declares she wasn't even going to get up today (why do I think she ways this EVERY day of her miserable life?) but she does and WHAT A COINCIDENCE she finds the beware idol.  Of course she doesn't notice it has the word BE-FUCKING-WARE on it, nor does Evvie and Liana who happen to see her find it.  Tif wasn't even going to share it with her alliance.  It tells her she has to sneak onto a boat tonight, go to another island and make a decision.  LOL, I'll let y'all guess which part of that will be the hardest for her.  Liana thinks not finding that note might have been her million dollar mistake.  

Braaaaaad is trying to sleep but all of the kids are up early and laughing, playing the social game.  Brad gets up like a hungover dad on a Saturday morning and immediately begins to do chores.  So of course he finds the second beware advantage, and knowing he already lost his vote because of the last one he just rips that sucker right open.  Wooohaaa, he's loving the game and all of the risks!

Sydney is sleeping and Naseer stands next to her and then tells her that Danny has to go.  I'm not sure which annoys her, being woken up by a creepy guy or the fact that he wants to get rid of Danny.  Sydney runs and tells everyone which always goes down well.  Naseer gets the Spidey sense he screwed the pooch on that one and apologizes to the tribe.  Sydney is done with him, having learned how to make fire and how to be a sales manager (I am 1000% sure he sells Verizon packages), and she wants him gone.  She's looking down as smoke is coming out of her ears and she sees the advantage package.  She opens it and is now scared of the challenge.  

JD is looking all over for an idol (are there regular idols?  I can't seem to remember) and he says they are all hard to find.  He thinks maybe SOMEONE HAS ALREADY FOUND IT and then he thinks MAYBE RICARDO FOUND IT, or SHAN.  Ricardo does find the original BEWARE advantage with Genie standing by.  They read it and realize that Brad has the other one due to his crazy comments about butterflies.  

Shan is looking for an idol using a map and I'm like THERE ARE MAPS NOW???  Do they have the ice machine listed on them??  Brad feels bad that Shan is still looking for an idol so he tells her about the ones he has.  She thinks, hmmmm should we keep him?  Apparently these tribes sleep on the beach without any shelter and man all I can think of is the bugs and shit that must crawl up your underwear.  He builds a fake body and sneaks away.  The other 2 girls also sneak away with a camera crew and a boat.  

Once they arrive they have a similar choice, but this time for a tarp or a steal a vote advantage.  If all pick tarp, all get nothing.  If all pick steal, they lose votes.  If they split it the steal person gets to steal.  I think that's right.  It tells them to act quickly to get back to camp before they're discovered.  Brad and Sydney tell Tiffany she probably needs to do tarp because there are only 4 people left she can't risk a lost vote.  Tiffany is all WHO SAYS I CAN'T RISK IT??  What do we want to do, play safe or PLAY SURVIVOR!  Let's ROLL THE DICE!!  Brad also wants to roll the dice and thinks there's no reward without risk.  Sydney doesn't trust Tiffany as far as she can throw her (spoiler, not far) and then Tiffany is not sure about her Animal House LETS DO IT speech, and she doesn't trust Sydney.....

The next day, Tiffany gets nothing.  Sydney gets nothing, and hence Brad gets to steal another vote.  

Immunity Challenge. Jeff asks HOW ARE WE DOING, and if you've been on twitter lately he better watch his pronouns.  Genie says WE GOT NO RICE DUDE.  Ricardo says broccoli are just little trees thing  and Xander says his butterflies speech. I think it's Ricardo but I'm completely confused now.  Apparently there are only 2 people for this 3 way advantage.  

Challenge is for immunity and for a fruit plate left over from Jeff's complementary VIP fruit basket at the Fiji Hilton.  It's a swim out, climb up, do a rope bridge, dig up sandbags and then throw them on little platforms.  Tiffany of course takes forever pulling her fat ass over the rope thing BUT she is the first to land a sandbag.  Blue wins first immunity and amazingly enough Yellow wins second. Maybe Voce was the missing link.  

Green has to go to tribal.  Brad is all against JD because he has oversold himself as Ozzy.  JD leaves to shit in the shallow poop pond but when he comes back it's clear he has something in his pants- get your minds outta the gutter it's his advantage.  Ricardo and Shan catch it and he is forced to admit to hit.  Shan doesn't trust him now and tells Ricardo they need to vote him out.  Ricardo thinks JD is a snake but now he's indebted to them.  Brad isn't trustworthy.  JD grovels to Shan that he's sorry and says he wants to play with them.  To prove his loyalty he offers Shan his steal a vote, or extra vote or whatever this one is.  She tells him he can have it back when he's not grounded.  She nows JD is now in her pocket BUT she also wants to vote with Brad.  

OK, Shan tells this story about how when she was 5 she had to decide which of her divorcing parent she wanted to live with and that is JUST SO DAMN WRONG AND TRAUMATIC.  Jesus Christ why would you ever put that Sophie's Choice type of decision on a child??  Sorry but that just upset me.  

Tribal

Shan says it's sad to lose

JD says yellow kicked their ass. He was SURE he would kill it with the sandbags.

Jeff says some crap about alliance vs strength and Ricardo says he's leaning more towards alliance than strength.

Jeff says, wow, someone must have lied to Ricardo.

Genie says he's never trusted me since the first tribal when I wrote his name down

Brad says that you have to trust someone in this game

JD says that he knows he lost people's trust and he gives some speech about a crystal and dropping your crystal, which isn't some stupid line he has to day for an advantage but some "deep thoughts by JD"

Shan says that sometimes when you drop a crystal YOU BREAK IT but I think crystals are pretty strong.  Sellman, you wanna weigh in here?

JD says he's heartbroken but says that in the long run things would be worse without him

Brad says what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and while I would agree I once had a coffee mug with that on it and I dropped it and that fucker EXPLODED into a million pieces so, dunno .  

JD gives his SURVIVOR SAVED ME AND MADE ME WHOLE speech says Ozzy and Wu made him who he is today and is why he wears his hair like Ozzy and why he wears his pucca necklace (as did every one of us over 55 years old).  And Jeff is all sad that no one wants to be him.  

Jeff says that's the kind of enthusiasm is why it's hard to snuff a torch and why we keep throwing idols at people who have the right look and story.

Personally it's all blah blah blah because ALL I WANT TO KNOW is if Karen and I are going to get Xander-the last alternate.  

Vote-any idols, advantages or sexual bribes?  No?  Genie you sure?  

JD gets one vote but BRAD GETS VOTED OFF and Karen and I are in XANDERLAND!!!!!!!

Survivor: Women are Stupid Edition

 Come on in humans of no gender specify!

Week 2 and boy what a completely different game.  NOT!  LOL.  

On green, Brad is "wiped out but can't nap.  JD calls him a lose cannon. 

JD and Ricardo head out together for water.  Brad doesn't trust them so makes a mad dash through the "jungle" to get ahead of them and make himself a lil spy bush to eavesdrop.  The girls back at camp see him dash off and just roll their eyes.  He overhears JD and Ricardo talk about a "him" who he guesses is himself since he's the only other male.  JD says he doesn't know if they can trust him.  Ricardo says Brad thinks JD has an idol.  Brad in the bush says he's a hunter and for some reason he closes his eyes when his prey is near so he sits there with his eyes closed.  JD says he feels better about his position than he did last night at tribal which leads Brad to think he totally has an idol.  Brad then runs back to camp and tells Shan what he overheard, and she promptly tells Ricardo.  Ricardo thinks that Brad is "totally playing the game" and that he has to go.  I hate this logic because THEY ARE ALL THERE PLAYING THE GAME.  

Over on Blue, Dehsawn is trying to make fire.  He says he practiced and the first time it took 13 hours (and that was with a match....just kidding).  He used a small knife at home and says it's much harder with a machete.  Naseer asks him if he can try and he starts fire right away.  We learn the sad story that got Naseer the Survivor interview is that he was born poor in Sri Lanka in a shack with no running water, and an outhouse.. "We were happy to have some rice and weggies".  Sydney thinks Naseer is essential-"initially we wanted to learn from him and give him the boot but he's growing on everyone".  

Over on Y they are looking for crabs.  I hope the production crew took the rubber bands off their claws when they delivered them.  Tiffany is already beat-says they have no food and have lost  2 challenges, in no small part to her ass.  

Liana and Xander are the only 2 left at camp and decide to go find everyone.  They split up and of course look for idols.  We follow Xander in the whole roped off animal free jungle and OF COURSE he finds the package Jeff stuffed into a tree because that always happens.  I seriously hope they at least got a lot of looking footage before the found it part.  It's the beware advantage which is possibly the dumbest thing Burnett and Probst ever thought up in a drugged stupor.  "If you take it it's yours but you have to do what it says".  Xander considers it for about 5 seconds and rips it open.  It's  a 3 way shared immunity-there's one on each beach.  To use it all 3 have to be found, and at each immunity challenge you need to say a stupid phrase and wait for the other 2 stupid phrases to also be said.  Downside is that until all 3 are found, Xander can't vote.  He tells Evvie and Voce about it, and also tells them that he has an extra vote from the first risk or protect thingy.  Xander and Voce discuss with Evvie whether Liana or Tiffany would go home if they lost the challenge.  Evvie, who is book smart and effing stupid, decides instead she wants to align with the completely stupid older woman who can't even remember strategy you tell her 5 seconds ago.  

COME ON IN!!!  HOW ARE YOU FINDING THINGS??

Xander says we're exhausted, we have no flint and I woke up delusional and thought dead butterflies are just our dead relatives saying hi!  Which is the secret phase he has to say for the beware idol.  I hope he gets a new phrase or that's gonna raise eyebrows if he has to use it again.  

Challenge is to dive into the water, swim, dive down and get a key, next person has to do an obstacle course that includes a balance beam, and and then they have to use the key to unlock and do puzzle pieces.  Wanna know?  Only the last team goes to tribal.  Team 1 gets fishing gear, team gets  little bit of gear and 3 gets tribal.  

It's so horrible watching Tiffany trying to shimmy her fat thigh across the beam.  She can't do it and goes back again and again.  To the point where the other 2 teams are doing the puzzle and she's still humping the beam in the background.  It's  hilarious.  

HUGE surprise, Blue wins immunity 1 and Green wins immunity 2.  At the end of the challenge, there's another "2 people have to make a decision thing" and the winning team gets to chose someone from the losing tribe, and then the second winners get to send someone.  Blue picks Evvie and Deshawn volunteers.  

Back at Yellow camp, Tiffany is sorry because HER SHORTS RODE UP ON HER and stopped her from doing the balance beam.  Nothing to do with her lame ass skills and fat thighs.  She tells Liana that "we only lost a few minutes" so we should totally still vote out Xander.  Please tell me I was not the only one yelling at the TV?  

Xander and Voce are apoplectic and agree that Tiffany HAS TO GO.  Xander says no one else said the secret line (please go back and re read that in a Groucho Marx accent), so they need a plan because he is without a vote.  Voce agrees they need a plan a because Tiffany is a liability. 

Voce talks to Liana and says they cannot keep losing.  Frankly at this point I think the girls want to keep losing to force a merge.  Liana tells him they can talk to Evvie when she gets back but that she's open.  Liana tells Tiffany that Voce said her name and Tiffany, like ever wrong idiot in America today, doubles down and gets angry that THAT JERK threw out her lame ass name.  Honey, all of Twitter stopped talking about Halloween Baking Wars and started insisting your ass go home.  Liana says that they need Evvie because Tiffany is all over the place and might do something (else) stupid.  Yea, great horse to hitch your wagon to.  

Evvie wants an ally on the blue tribe and works with Deshawn. She tells him obv the Yellow tribe is a hot pile of shit  but maybe they can help each other.  They talk about what they are assuming is another risk/protect choice and she tells him she has to protect her vote which allows him to pick risk and get the extra vote.  

Deshawn gets his cameo and tells how he was not a smart kid but wanted to go against stereotype by becoming a doctor.  I'm curious where he is in his medical school to run off to Fiji.  

Deshawn asks Evvie who is going tonight and she tells him although everyone will think they are effing insane, they are planning to get rid of Xander.  She asks him if he knows how the idols work this season and tells him about the beware advantage-which I'm not sure makes one want to find it or NOT to find it since you lose a vote until all are found.  

So, yes it is another Risk/Protect and Evvie chooses risk.  

Upon her return, Voce tells Xander he talked to Liana.  Evvie returns and tells them she protected her vote.  The girls have a meet up and decide to blindside Xander and then have the girls in charge of the titanic on the way down.  Evvie tells the guys she's cool with Tiffany.  Tiffany begins to lose her mind, unable to understand how the votes will work, and worrying about someone having an idol, and how it should instead be Voce.  

And I'm yelling WHY ARE YOU KEEPING HER??

Evvie has a moment of panic the 3 rd time she has to go through stuff with Tiffany.  She tells Liana she's having second thoughts and tells her they have another option...

Tribal-Jeff does some pre-tribal whispering reminding us that it's either strength or loyalty.  Ah, yes but Jeff it could also be blind stupidity and Evvie just wanting to be in control of a flaming bag of dog shit.  

Jeff bullshits about congratulating them on being vulnerable, which is stupid and he just needs to MC and not get involved.  

Tiffany says she's HUNGRY, and mentions at one point she just wanted to lay down.  VOTE HER ASS OFF.

Xander says it's raw and it's happening live and they are not sitting on the couch in a pandemic anymore.  

Voce agrees that it's humbling to be there especially since "I'm an important neurosurgeon" who apparently sometimes makes mistakes and people end up on life support JUST LIKE THEIR TRIBE.  TOTALLY the same!

Jeff asks him how he knew 1/6 was 16.6666% because apparently Jeff is still trying to work that out with paper and pencil, plus a bag of shells.  

Voce says he really isn't that smart, that many non neurosurgeons could figure that out and that he had a SINGLE MOM (ding!) that gave him drive.

Liana says they are trying to figure out where they are bleeding.  FROM YOUR TIFFANY HOLE YOU IDIOT

Tiffany says it's not just about challenges but she is KILLING it at the social game.  

Evvie says they don't even know if there is going to be a swap but if there is, this stupid windbag is where we're putting all of our chips!  

Xander says it's juggling loyalty with someone to get you further. He points out there may not be a swap!  

If there was ever a time for someone to pull Evvie aside at Tribal and yell WAKE THE FUCK UP in her ear, tonight is the night.  

Time to vote

Tiffany gets one vote and VOCE gets blindsided.  These women are stupid.