Survivor: Women are Stupid Edition

 Come on in humans of no gender specify!

Week 2 and boy what a completely different game.  NOT!  LOL.  

On green, Brad is "wiped out but can't nap.  JD calls him a lose cannon. 

JD and Ricardo head out together for water.  Brad doesn't trust them so makes a mad dash through the "jungle" to get ahead of them and make himself a lil spy bush to eavesdrop.  The girls back at camp see him dash off and just roll their eyes.  He overhears JD and Ricardo talk about a "him" who he guesses is himself since he's the only other male.  JD says he doesn't know if they can trust him.  Ricardo says Brad thinks JD has an idol.  Brad in the bush says he's a hunter and for some reason he closes his eyes when his prey is near so he sits there with his eyes closed.  JD says he feels better about his position than he did last night at tribal which leads Brad to think he totally has an idol.  Brad then runs back to camp and tells Shan what he overheard, and she promptly tells Ricardo.  Ricardo thinks that Brad is "totally playing the game" and that he has to go.  I hate this logic because THEY ARE ALL THERE PLAYING THE GAME.  

Over on Blue, Dehsawn is trying to make fire.  He says he practiced and the first time it took 13 hours (and that was with a match....just kidding).  He used a small knife at home and says it's much harder with a machete.  Naseer asks him if he can try and he starts fire right away.  We learn the sad story that got Naseer the Survivor interview is that he was born poor in Sri Lanka in a shack with no running water, and an outhouse.. "We were happy to have some rice and weggies".  Sydney thinks Naseer is essential-"initially we wanted to learn from him and give him the boot but he's growing on everyone".  

Over on Y they are looking for crabs.  I hope the production crew took the rubber bands off their claws when they delivered them.  Tiffany is already beat-says they have no food and have lost  2 challenges, in no small part to her ass.  

Liana and Xander are the only 2 left at camp and decide to go find everyone.  They split up and of course look for idols.  We follow Xander in the whole roped off animal free jungle and OF COURSE he finds the package Jeff stuffed into a tree because that always happens.  I seriously hope they at least got a lot of looking footage before the found it part.  It's the beware advantage which is possibly the dumbest thing Burnett and Probst ever thought up in a drugged stupor.  "If you take it it's yours but you have to do what it says".  Xander considers it for about 5 seconds and rips it open.  It's  a 3 way shared immunity-there's one on each beach.  To use it all 3 have to be found, and at each immunity challenge you need to say a stupid phrase and wait for the other 2 stupid phrases to also be said.  Downside is that until all 3 are found, Xander can't vote.  He tells Evvie and Voce about it, and also tells them that he has an extra vote from the first risk or protect thingy.  Xander and Voce discuss with Evvie whether Liana or Tiffany would go home if they lost the challenge.  Evvie, who is book smart and effing stupid, decides instead she wants to align with the completely stupid older woman who can't even remember strategy you tell her 5 seconds ago.  

COME ON IN!!!  HOW ARE YOU FINDING THINGS??

Xander says we're exhausted, we have no flint and I woke up delusional and thought dead butterflies are just our dead relatives saying hi!  Which is the secret phase he has to say for the beware idol.  I hope he gets a new phrase or that's gonna raise eyebrows if he has to use it again.  

Challenge is to dive into the water, swim, dive down and get a key, next person has to do an obstacle course that includes a balance beam, and and then they have to use the key to unlock and do puzzle pieces.  Wanna know?  Only the last team goes to tribal.  Team 1 gets fishing gear, team gets  little bit of gear and 3 gets tribal.  

It's so horrible watching Tiffany trying to shimmy her fat thigh across the beam.  She can't do it and goes back again and again.  To the point where the other 2 teams are doing the puzzle and she's still humping the beam in the background.  It's  hilarious.  

HUGE surprise, Blue wins immunity 1 and Green wins immunity 2.  At the end of the challenge, there's another "2 people have to make a decision thing" and the winning team gets to chose someone from the losing tribe, and then the second winners get to send someone.  Blue picks Evvie and Deshawn volunteers.  

Back at Yellow camp, Tiffany is sorry because HER SHORTS RODE UP ON HER and stopped her from doing the balance beam.  Nothing to do with her lame ass skills and fat thighs.  She tells Liana that "we only lost a few minutes" so we should totally still vote out Xander.  Please tell me I was not the only one yelling at the TV?  

Xander and Voce are apoplectic and agree that Tiffany HAS TO GO.  Xander says no one else said the secret line (please go back and re read that in a Groucho Marx accent), so they need a plan because he is without a vote.  Voce agrees they need a plan a because Tiffany is a liability. 

Voce talks to Liana and says they cannot keep losing.  Frankly at this point I think the girls want to keep losing to force a merge.  Liana tells him they can talk to Evvie when she gets back but that she's open.  Liana tells Tiffany that Voce said her name and Tiffany, like ever wrong idiot in America today, doubles down and gets angry that THAT JERK threw out her lame ass name.  Honey, all of Twitter stopped talking about Halloween Baking Wars and started insisting your ass go home.  Liana says that they need Evvie because Tiffany is all over the place and might do something (else) stupid.  Yea, great horse to hitch your wagon to.  

Evvie wants an ally on the blue tribe and works with Deshawn. She tells him obv the Yellow tribe is a hot pile of shit  but maybe they can help each other.  They talk about what they are assuming is another risk/protect choice and she tells him she has to protect her vote which allows him to pick risk and get the extra vote.  

Deshawn gets his cameo and tells how he was not a smart kid but wanted to go against stereotype by becoming a doctor.  I'm curious where he is in his medical school to run off to Fiji.  

Deshawn asks Evvie who is going tonight and she tells him although everyone will think they are effing insane, they are planning to get rid of Xander.  She asks him if he knows how the idols work this season and tells him about the beware advantage-which I'm not sure makes one want to find it or NOT to find it since you lose a vote until all are found.  

So, yes it is another Risk/Protect and Evvie chooses risk.  

Upon her return, Voce tells Xander he talked to Liana.  Evvie returns and tells them she protected her vote.  The girls have a meet up and decide to blindside Xander and then have the girls in charge of the titanic on the way down.  Evvie tells the guys she's cool with Tiffany.  Tiffany begins to lose her mind, unable to understand how the votes will work, and worrying about someone having an idol, and how it should instead be Voce.  

And I'm yelling WHY ARE YOU KEEPING HER??

Evvie has a moment of panic the 3 rd time she has to go through stuff with Tiffany.  She tells Liana she's having second thoughts and tells her they have another option...

Tribal-Jeff does some pre-tribal whispering reminding us that it's either strength or loyalty.  Ah, yes but Jeff it could also be blind stupidity and Evvie just wanting to be in control of a flaming bag of dog shit.  

Jeff bullshits about congratulating them on being vulnerable, which is stupid and he just needs to MC and not get involved.  

Tiffany says she's HUNGRY, and mentions at one point she just wanted to lay down.  VOTE HER ASS OFF.

Xander says it's raw and it's happening live and they are not sitting on the couch in a pandemic anymore.  

Voce agrees that it's humbling to be there especially since "I'm an important neurosurgeon" who apparently sometimes makes mistakes and people end up on life support JUST LIKE THEIR TRIBE.  TOTALLY the same!

Jeff asks him how he knew 1/6 was 16.6666% because apparently Jeff is still trying to work that out with paper and pencil, plus a bag of shells.  

Voce says he really isn't that smart, that many non neurosurgeons could figure that out and that he had a SINGLE MOM (ding!) that gave him drive.

Liana says they are trying to figure out where they are bleeding.  FROM YOUR TIFFANY HOLE YOU IDIOT

Tiffany says it's not just about challenges but she is KILLING it at the social game.  

Evvie says they don't even know if there is going to be a swap but if there is, this stupid windbag is where we're putting all of our chips!  

Xander says it's juggling loyalty with someone to get you further. He points out there may not be a swap!  

If there was ever a time for someone to pull Evvie aside at Tribal and yell WAKE THE FUCK UP in her ear, tonight is the night.  

Time to vote

Tiffany gets one vote and VOCE gets blindsided.  These women are stupid.