Ok, the first one is always the hardest. You don't know who to hate, who to bag on, who to cheer. 11 contestants arrive in US Marine Corp helicopters. So glad we're not in TWO FRIGGIN WARS or anything and the USMC has time for a little show biz.
Contestants line up at the "Joint Forces Training Base in Los Alamitos, home to the California National Guard and the Army Reserve" Guess they weren't busy either. Anyway, I took notes while they were being introduced:
Lakisha and Jennifer: These are the sistaas. I'm wondering if they have different fathers based purely on their first names.
Cara and Jaime: These are former NFL cheerleaders who, like met? And like, totally hit it off?
Jennifer and Preston: These two fill the required "dating and hopefully fighting" quota for AR14
Amanda and Kris: Whew, got lucky this time. This is the "dating and waiting to get married until we win the Amazing Race" couple. They are "hoping to fall in love all over again" which usually means there is couples counseling in their future.
Christi and Jodi: Flight Attendants. Or, as I like to call them, Cabin Ho's. I'm sure they feel they have an inside advantage cause they know travel. We'll see.
Mel and Mike: Gay quota. How come we never get lesbians? Is that the last taboo? Anyway, Dad turned gay when Mike was 11 (soon to be a lifetime movie). Mel and Mike prove that gayness is inherited, and that each generation gets more gay by a factor of 4.5.
Mark and Michael: The lil stuntmen. At 4'9" they are the shortest men on the Race, but alas, too tall to qualify for their own show on TLC.
Tammy and Victor: Ah, the multicultural element on Race. Fighting against stereotypes, we have two really smart Asians siblings with law degrees. I know, who knew?
Brad and Victoria: "fifty is the new thirty". These two keep yammering on about being old. Shuddup. He's been married 2 times, she's been married three. Uhuh. I want it to say "Serial Monogamists" under their names.
Margie and Luke: Ahh, the tug at your heartstrings, if you have a heart, couple. Yadda Yadda, mother and son, he's deaf. Wants to prove deaf people can do anything. Um, as my husband turned to me and pointed out, "didn't we already have a deaf one?"
And, last but not least, Linda and Steve. First, Jeff and Eileen, I will buy you a drink at Karen and John's Christmas party to make up for this. If there is a god, and if he still works for democrats, He will keep this couple around for the sheer amusement factor alone. She's 9 years older than him. BUT, she has more teeth. His hobby is "recycling scrap metal". Nuff said.
Ok. So we leave CA and head to Switzerland. Yoddaleheeehooo. 2 flights, one through Zurich and one through Milan. One is Luftansa. I know from personal experience that the free drinks are better on Luftansa. Take the Luftansa flight. Teams then take trains from Zurich or Milan to Locano.
Luftansa to Zurich: Tammy & Victor, explaining their brilliant strategy: “We chose the Lufthansa flight because we didn’t want to deliberately choose the one that left later", Christie & Jodi, Jaime & Cara, Mark & Michael, Brad & Victoria, Margie & Luke. Did we mention Luke was deaf?
Air France to Milan, WHICH IS MUCH CLOSER TO LOCANO: Mel & Mike, Preston & Jennifer, Amanda & Kris, Kisha & Jen, and the hicks Steve & Linda.
The Zurich group all get on a train going leisurely through the alps. The Cabin Ho's befriend a woman (surprised me too) and she convinces them to sneak off the train one stop earlier.
In Milan, all head for the train except for Preston and Jennifer who miss it. The immediately begin to bicker. I love this crap. "You say stuff that irritates me because you just don’t think.” I love people who say this stuff out loud to their mates, rather than keep it bottled up and drink excessively like I do.
Once in Locano they go to a church and sign a book, giving them a departure time for the next day. Then they get to be homeless in a park. Yea, I am SOOO not going on the Race. Steve starts right in on Linda, which I think is mean. She should have told him to go look for some aluminum to recycle.
Next morning teams leave in 15 minute increments and have to go to Verzasco Dam. This had BAD written all over it. Roadblock. It's a 70 story bungee jump (the second highest in the world, made famous in the James Bond movie “Goldeneye") . Who has the bladder control to perform it? This takes up about 50 minutes of the show. Everyone eventually jumps, and-spoiler alert- nobody dies. EVEN THE DEAF KID DOES IT, WHICH PROVES DEAF PEOPLE ARE AS STUPID AS HEARING PEOPLE.
Next up, take a train to Interlocken and find Kleine Rugen Wiese, who I thought was a big mean ass Swiss woman but, alas, is some big cheese place. The have to climb up a really steep hill and transport 200 lbs of cheese down the hill. Oh, they get "antique cheese sleds made in China" to use. Lots of antiques broken that day. It's really steep going up (and, coming down obviously) and it's a big long challenge. Once up, you get to fall down with your cheap piece of crap cheese sled, and then get up and do it again. Why everyone didn't just hurl cheese down the hill and go get it, I don't know.
Gay dad had to go down on his ass really slowly. Hick woman couldn't get up the hill. Tammy and Victor and the deaf kid and his mom finish first and race to the pitt stop. You have to take a taxi to a park and follow the yodeling. Deaf kid and Mom come in first and win a trip for 2 to Puerta Vallarta, WHICH IS ANOTHER PLACE A DEAF PERSON CAN GO. I didn't catch if she was translating the yodeling, first really small then with bigger hands so he would know they were getting closer. The wicked smart Asians come in second.
The flight attendants, who took the wrong train, arrive last at the cheese place. At the end it came down to a foot race for the Pitt between the Cabin Ho's and Preston/Jennifer. The Ho's won, sending the dating couple home.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Survivor Brazil Week One
Probst:" Here we are in some god forsaken hell hole Burnett sent me to in retaliation for that contract negotiation. Token-cheese in the heart of brazil, which is famous for soccer. Oh, and....soccer. I'm here with 16 contestants all hoping to be the sole survivor, and all horribly inappropriately dressed to live in the interior of Brazil for 39 days. I mean, one of these chicks is in a dress and cowboy boots for god sake. Once this truck stops, I get to jump off all dramatic-like, and then the teams, who haven't spoken to each other, will get to use their tourette-ian logic of analyzing each other grunts, grimaces and other tics, as well as their smell, to immediately vote one person from each team THAT WON'T MAKE THE 4 HOUR TREK".
First up, the red team, who unanimously vote for "that strung out old blonde woman", who is PISSED. The black team votes for the chick in the black and white sweater (carrying I believe a purse??). She is sick, has a fever and is on antibiotics. Hmmm, I don't think the little animals are supposed to tell the big animals that they have a lame leg.
Probst: "Strung out blonde woman, how are you feeling about this"
Sandy: "I am PISSED.
Probst: "But wait, you get to ride to the camp in a helicopter"
Sandy:"Yea yea yea, wooohooo"
Probst:" Sandy, do you realize this is a game of social skills, and you have just demonstrated you have none and blah blah blah social experiment blah blah blah socially retarded" Seriously, is it me or does Jeff have something up his ass about this woman? Hmmm, a little too much like mamma Probst perhaps??
Sandy and Sierra fly to the camps. They are met with a note telling them they can either set up the camp for the others or search for the immunity idol. "Shit, Ima gonna git me one of them thar iiiidols" Sandy says. Sierra decides to build a little village with a coffee shop, drug store, and a quaint little gazebo for the band to play on warm nights.
The red team, which is called jalapeno with out the n for some reason, doesn't take any water with them. The Timbira tribe has all the water and beans. That's cause the black team has the freakishly weird and self-conceited Coach. First up, from a poolster's perspective, if someone wants to go by the name coach, then use that name on the damn website. I spent half of the show figuring out Coach was Benjamin. Coach is a pain in the ass. He's a renaissance man. Coaches some sports thing and also is a music director. Big deal, he has 2 part time jobs.
The tribes crawl the 4 hours to the camps. Jalapeno is pissed that Sandy has just sat on her ass for 4 hours. The Black team is happy that Sierra built a village but Coach still wants her to go first. I'm guessing he's a bitch of a coach.
Day 2. Sandy is still looking for that idol. Sandy doesn't get that you aren't supposed to talk to the damn camera men. Finds one clue and then has to walk 10 paces to the next clue. "Wuz a paaace?" she asks the camera man.
Over on Timbira, Tyson gets all nude carrying water out of the lake. Which, I thought there was none of in token-cheese. Hmmm, man made anyone??
Challenge: Race into the river, get puzzle pieces on a raft, carry them back, build a staircase, climb the stairs and do a puzzle maze. Christ, this season is going to be as lame ass as last season. Seriously, enough with the damn puzzles. Wanna know what you are playing for? A year subscription to Highlights Magazine!!! No, actually fire and immunity.
Jeff tells us it's 120 degrees. Apparently no one thought to bring a bathing suit and it's like a JC Penney's lingerie catalogue watching these people. Carolina, the chick in the red dress and cowboy boots is weak. Sandy and Taj kick ass on the puzzle (due in large part I'm sure in Sandy having to move the one floor board in her kitchen over the possum nest to cook). Sierra kicks ass on the other team. It's neck and neck on to the maze magnetic puzzle game. This is like the most ridiculous game of go fish, with little sticks and plastic fish whose mouths are motorized to open and close. Timbira wins immunity!!
Immediately back at Jalapeno, Carolina (whose dress is now wrapped around her head in a reenactment of how she got this Survivor gig) starts bagging on everyone to clean up the camp. Yea, that's always a good thing to start whining about when people are hot and thirsty. "Y'all, we got to sweep the dirt floor".
Sandy and Carolina bond, and have a big ol hug. Sandy is "in the ladies room" digging around looking for the lone pineapple tree and trying to figure out what a pace is.
Tribal council. Jeff has to explain to everyone that the torches mean life. Ok, Jeff, most of us have watched this show before. Just sit there and look pretty.
Dr. Jeff: "Sandy, are you a little crazy??"
Sandy: "Shit Jeff, wait until that extra dose of lithium I took wears off"
Time to vote. LOL. You could see it PAINED Jeff to say that Carolina was the first voted off Survivor Token Cheese instead of Sandy.
First up, the red team, who unanimously vote for "that strung out old blonde woman", who is PISSED. The black team votes for the chick in the black and white sweater (carrying I believe a purse??). She is sick, has a fever and is on antibiotics. Hmmm, I don't think the little animals are supposed to tell the big animals that they have a lame leg.
Probst: "Strung out blonde woman, how are you feeling about this"
Sandy: "I am PISSED.
Probst: "But wait, you get to ride to the camp in a helicopter"
Sandy:"Yea yea yea, wooohooo"
Probst:" Sandy, do you realize this is a game of social skills, and you have just demonstrated you have none and blah blah blah social experiment blah blah blah socially retarded" Seriously, is it me or does Jeff have something up his ass about this woman? Hmmm, a little too much like mamma Probst perhaps??
Sandy and Sierra fly to the camps. They are met with a note telling them they can either set up the camp for the others or search for the immunity idol. "Shit, Ima gonna git me one of them thar iiiidols" Sandy says. Sierra decides to build a little village with a coffee shop, drug store, and a quaint little gazebo for the band to play on warm nights.
The red team, which is called jalapeno with out the n for some reason, doesn't take any water with them. The Timbira tribe has all the water and beans. That's cause the black team has the freakishly weird and self-conceited Coach. First up, from a poolster's perspective, if someone wants to go by the name coach, then use that name on the damn website. I spent half of the show figuring out Coach was Benjamin. Coach is a pain in the ass. He's a renaissance man. Coaches some sports thing and also is a music director. Big deal, he has 2 part time jobs.
The tribes crawl the 4 hours to the camps. Jalapeno is pissed that Sandy has just sat on her ass for 4 hours. The Black team is happy that Sierra built a village but Coach still wants her to go first. I'm guessing he's a bitch of a coach.
Day 2. Sandy is still looking for that idol. Sandy doesn't get that you aren't supposed to talk to the damn camera men. Finds one clue and then has to walk 10 paces to the next clue. "Wuz a paaace?" she asks the camera man.
Over on Timbira, Tyson gets all nude carrying water out of the lake. Which, I thought there was none of in token-cheese. Hmmm, man made anyone??
Challenge: Race into the river, get puzzle pieces on a raft, carry them back, build a staircase, climb the stairs and do a puzzle maze. Christ, this season is going to be as lame ass as last season. Seriously, enough with the damn puzzles. Wanna know what you are playing for? A year subscription to Highlights Magazine!!! No, actually fire and immunity.
Jeff tells us it's 120 degrees. Apparently no one thought to bring a bathing suit and it's like a JC Penney's lingerie catalogue watching these people. Carolina, the chick in the red dress and cowboy boots is weak. Sandy and Taj kick ass on the puzzle (due in large part I'm sure in Sandy having to move the one floor board in her kitchen over the possum nest to cook). Sierra kicks ass on the other team. It's neck and neck on to the maze magnetic puzzle game. This is like the most ridiculous game of go fish, with little sticks and plastic fish whose mouths are motorized to open and close. Timbira wins immunity!!
Immediately back at Jalapeno, Carolina (whose dress is now wrapped around her head in a reenactment of how she got this Survivor gig) starts bagging on everyone to clean up the camp. Yea, that's always a good thing to start whining about when people are hot and thirsty. "Y'all, we got to sweep the dirt floor".
Sandy and Carolina bond, and have a big ol hug. Sandy is "in the ladies room" digging around looking for the lone pineapple tree and trying to figure out what a pace is.
Tribal council. Jeff has to explain to everyone that the torches mean life. Ok, Jeff, most of us have watched this show before. Just sit there and look pretty.
Dr. Jeff: "Sandy, are you a little crazy??"
Sandy: "Shit Jeff, wait until that extra dose of lithium I took wears off"
Time to vote. LOL. You could see it PAINED Jeff to say that Carolina was the first voted off Survivor Token Cheese instead of Sandy.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Amazing Race Week 10
Woohooo! Final 3, baby.
This week's episode started and stayed in Moscow. Teams had to find a nuclear sub and "find the actor from The Hunt for Red October". Seriously, show of hands now, who thought it was gonna be Sean Connery? Nope. Some no name actor that the Race didn't even have enough respect to give a name to.
Ok, so first let me go back and state for the record, that I honestly don't believe for an American TV show that you should be able to cavort on a nuclear sub. There is NO FRIGGIN WAY that this was a real nuclear sub. Maybe a Bush/Palin "NUCULAR" sub, but those aren't real anyway. I so hope the Amazing Race never comes out to Limerick and has people scale the cooling towers.
Anywhoo, everyone jumps into taxi's (again, with the Russian KGB-spy drivers) and draws a stick figure of sub. Me? I'd of had rays shooting off of it just so the driver knew I wanted the RADIOACTIVE sub.
Everyone gets to the sub at the same time and all rush in, and run around the sub saying, "clue? clue?" Finally, they find the heavily made up ACTOR captain, who is on the phone with his agent trying to find out what this gig is paying. He gives them their next clues: take a taxi to the graveyard of fallen monuments. Which is not grammatically correct because, from what I saw, all of the monuments were right side up, but were of fallen HEROES.
The Cheaters jump in the spy-taxi with GPS. MASSIVE TRAFFIC. Maybe the big 3 automakers should go there to sell their cars?
Roadblock. One teammate had to be "good at solving mysteries...literally". For the roadblock, one teammate had to count the number of Lenin and Stalin statues (6 and 2) , put the separate numbers together, then take a cab to a store where, if their numbers were correct, a shopkeeper would give them a book by the a mystery writer; at the book's page with the same number as the statue total, there would be a clue to an address where the teammate's partner would be waiting. Phew. In case you didn't guess I cut and pasted that sentence from the cbs website. Seriously, it was really confusing. Give me Survivor where all I have to do is tell ya that the unwashed have to lob a ball onto a sheet with circles on it, and get closest to the middle circle. Now, I didn't hear this part in the reading of the clue but everyone gives this member of the team their passport and all their money. This should have been accompanied by dramatic music, since we'd all seen the promos and know some tool loses their passport and $$.
The Frats go to the wrong park.
Nick gets to the park, counts the monuments, goes to the bookstore and gets the right answer. bada-bing. He's off to the famous author's house where their partners are all waiting. The Cheaters argue the whole way in the cab to the cemetery. Tina Cheater wants Ken to tell the KGB agent to put out his cigarette. Ken refuses, just to piss her off. She close her eyes and puts her finger on her forehead to press Ken's image out of her head. As a result, storm clouds gather over the cab and by the time they get to the Roadblock it is raining. Tina doesn't want to chance having her eyebrows wash off, so she takes her time getting a raincoat out of her bag. This exasperates Ken. Tina counts the dead heads, and heads off.
Dallas goes into the park to count the Lenins and Stalins. Cut to mom who is waiting at the author's house and saying, "I paid a lot of money for his education, but I'm not sure he's gonna know how to tell the difference" . LOL. The funniest part is that she paid money to educate this monkey.
Dallas gets to the bookstore and gives the wrong answer, getting a 10 minute penalty. He counted 6 Stalins and 3 Lenins (but one was John), so he's never gonna get this combination right. Tina Cheater counts 5 Stalin and 2 Lenins, but she's not sure of the Stalins. She gets it wrong and gets a penalty. I lost track how many times Dallas got this wrong, but he and Tina Cheater compare notes and they figure out the right numbers. Tina helps Dallas with the higher math and, when she tells Ken Cheater, he gets all pissed off that she helped him. Seriously, these two needs meds.
Meanwhile, Nick and Starr get their next clue: find a lady in the park with a pony. LOL. Sounds like something illicit on an internet chat sight. I didn't realize Shetland ponies are Russian. Detour: take the rails or the lines. I gotta copy this one too cause it's so ridiculously complex:
In Ride the Rails, teams had to make their way on foot to the Sokol’niky Metro Station, where they had to catch the metro to Ulitsa 1905 and find a marked snack shop to receive a traditional pastry known as a samsa. The wrapper of the samsa would direct them to another train to Kitay-Gorod Station in order to find the statue dedicated to the man who created the Cyrillic alphabet (seriously, this is ridiculous and gratuitous information). In exchange for the pastry, a nearby babushka would hand teams a postcard with the name and picture of their final location, VNDKh Park Station.
In Ride the Lines, teams made their way on foot to a bus stop near Sokol’niky Park and hop on a trolley bus to a station called Krasndsel’skaya. Then, they had to find a key maker who would give them a storage locker key, before hopping on another trolleybus to a station called Rizhskaya. When they arrived, they had to search the station for a locker that matched their key, open it, and also retrieve a postcard with the name and picture of their final destination, VNDKh Park Station.
Got it? Ok, right about now Frats get to the right park and wisely get a real live Russian to help them figure out the monuments. They come up with 6 Stalins and 1 Lenins. He gets it wrong the first time.
And, now the moment we've all been dreading... when Dallas gets out of the cab at the author's apartment he leaves his money and passport in the cab. Now, this kind of pissed me off and if I had these 2 as MY pool pick I would have been freaking out, cause it seemed to me he didn't do much to stop the cab. I would have screamed like a banshee (seriously, when traveling outside the US I manically check and recheck my passport about every 10 seconds), and thrown my backpack at the back window of the cab. But, I guess he figured mommy would take care of it. Deep breath. Ok, so they figure they will still try to finish the Detour, but to save money, they take the subway instead of a cab as specified in the clue. Also, they panhandle the money for the subway with ease. Apparently Russian money is totally useless since everyone is willing to give it away.
Nick and Starr ride the rails with ease, commenting about a million times how living in NYC has come in handy. They finish easily and get their next clue to proceed to the Pitt stop where they are once again first and win trips to Anguilla. They are assured a spot in the final 3. I hate them.
Toni and Dallas and the Frats get to the Shetland Pony lady at the same time, but Toni and Dallas have to go back and take a cab instead of riding the subway. The Frats get their Speedbump, and with the challenges on this leg so far, I was dreading hearing what they had to do. Speedbump: they have to perform with Russian dancers. haha. You know the producers just made this up after seeing the marching. I thought this would be the end of them given the total lack of coordination of the one dude. They have to repeat it twice but finally finish.
Toni and Dallas borrow money and go back to the author's house where they also get money to take a cab, return to the Pony lady and start panhandling to ride the rails.
The Cheaters ride the lines but get on the wrong kind of bus. Keeeeeeennnnnn. God, her voice is killing me. The Frats do either the lines or the rails. Lines I think. By this time my head was hurting. Both teams end up at the station, Tina and Ken are kind of lost and arguing. The Frats spot the clue box and head on out to meet Phil. Frats are team number 2. Cheaters cheat and just see Phil and the mat and step on it. Phil tells them that they are team # 3 buuuuut, they missed the final clue. They panic and run all around the station. Fortunately for ME, Toni and Dallas are horribly behind. Cheaters step on the mat and get the final spot. (Ginnie: how big was the drama at your house??)
Phil gets tired of waiting for Toni and Dallas, so he goes out and finds them in the street and tells them it's all over. Toni cries, they both say "I love you" over and over again. I wonder what will happen with Starr and Dallas' romance??
This week's episode started and stayed in Moscow. Teams had to find a nuclear sub and "find the actor from The Hunt for Red October". Seriously, show of hands now, who thought it was gonna be Sean Connery? Nope. Some no name actor that the Race didn't even have enough respect to give a name to.
Ok, so first let me go back and state for the record, that I honestly don't believe for an American TV show that you should be able to cavort on a nuclear sub. There is NO FRIGGIN WAY that this was a real nuclear sub. Maybe a Bush/Palin "NUCULAR" sub, but those aren't real anyway. I so hope the Amazing Race never comes out to Limerick and has people scale the cooling towers.
Anywhoo, everyone jumps into taxi's (again, with the Russian KGB-spy drivers) and draws a stick figure of sub. Me? I'd of had rays shooting off of it just so the driver knew I wanted the RADIOACTIVE sub.
Everyone gets to the sub at the same time and all rush in, and run around the sub saying, "clue? clue?" Finally, they find the heavily made up ACTOR captain, who is on the phone with his agent trying to find out what this gig is paying. He gives them their next clues: take a taxi to the graveyard of fallen monuments. Which is not grammatically correct because, from what I saw, all of the monuments were right side up, but were of fallen HEROES.
The Cheaters jump in the spy-taxi with GPS. MASSIVE TRAFFIC. Maybe the big 3 automakers should go there to sell their cars?
Roadblock. One teammate had to be "good at solving mysteries...literally". For the roadblock, one teammate had to count the number of Lenin and Stalin statues (6 and 2) , put the separate numbers together, then take a cab to a store where, if their numbers were correct, a shopkeeper would give them a book by the a mystery writer; at the book's page with the same number as the statue total, there would be a clue to an address where the teammate's partner would be waiting. Phew. In case you didn't guess I cut and pasted that sentence from the cbs website. Seriously, it was really confusing. Give me Survivor where all I have to do is tell ya that the unwashed have to lob a ball onto a sheet with circles on it, and get closest to the middle circle. Now, I didn't hear this part in the reading of the clue but everyone gives this member of the team their passport and all their money. This should have been accompanied by dramatic music, since we'd all seen the promos and know some tool loses their passport and $$.
The Frats go to the wrong park.
Nick gets to the park, counts the monuments, goes to the bookstore and gets the right answer. bada-bing. He's off to the famous author's house where their partners are all waiting. The Cheaters argue the whole way in the cab to the cemetery. Tina Cheater wants Ken to tell the KGB agent to put out his cigarette. Ken refuses, just to piss her off. She close her eyes and puts her finger on her forehead to press Ken's image out of her head. As a result, storm clouds gather over the cab and by the time they get to the Roadblock it is raining. Tina doesn't want to chance having her eyebrows wash off, so she takes her time getting a raincoat out of her bag. This exasperates Ken. Tina counts the dead heads, and heads off.
Dallas goes into the park to count the Lenins and Stalins. Cut to mom who is waiting at the author's house and saying, "I paid a lot of money for his education, but I'm not sure he's gonna know how to tell the difference" . LOL. The funniest part is that she paid money to educate this monkey.
Dallas gets to the bookstore and gives the wrong answer, getting a 10 minute penalty. He counted 6 Stalins and 3 Lenins (but one was John), so he's never gonna get this combination right. Tina Cheater counts 5 Stalin and 2 Lenins, but she's not sure of the Stalins. She gets it wrong and gets a penalty. I lost track how many times Dallas got this wrong, but he and Tina Cheater compare notes and they figure out the right numbers. Tina helps Dallas with the higher math and, when she tells Ken Cheater, he gets all pissed off that she helped him. Seriously, these two needs meds.
Meanwhile, Nick and Starr get their next clue: find a lady in the park with a pony. LOL. Sounds like something illicit on an internet chat sight. I didn't realize Shetland ponies are Russian. Detour: take the rails or the lines. I gotta copy this one too cause it's so ridiculously complex:
In Ride the Rails, teams had to make their way on foot to the Sokol’niky Metro Station, where they had to catch the metro to Ulitsa 1905 and find a marked snack shop to receive a traditional pastry known as a samsa. The wrapper of the samsa would direct them to another train to Kitay-Gorod Station in order to find the statue dedicated to the man who created the Cyrillic alphabet (seriously, this is ridiculous and gratuitous information). In exchange for the pastry, a nearby babushka would hand teams a postcard with the name and picture of their final location, VNDKh Park Station.
In Ride the Lines, teams made their way on foot to a bus stop near Sokol’niky Park and hop on a trolley bus to a station called Krasndsel’skaya. Then, they had to find a key maker who would give them a storage locker key, before hopping on another trolleybus to a station called Rizhskaya. When they arrived, they had to search the station for a locker that matched their key, open it, and also retrieve a postcard with the name and picture of their final destination, VNDKh Park Station.
Got it? Ok, right about now Frats get to the right park and wisely get a real live Russian to help them figure out the monuments. They come up with 6 Stalins and 1 Lenins. He gets it wrong the first time.
And, now the moment we've all been dreading... when Dallas gets out of the cab at the author's apartment he leaves his money and passport in the cab. Now, this kind of pissed me off and if I had these 2 as MY pool pick I would have been freaking out, cause it seemed to me he didn't do much to stop the cab. I would have screamed like a banshee (seriously, when traveling outside the US I manically check and recheck my passport about every 10 seconds), and thrown my backpack at the back window of the cab. But, I guess he figured mommy would take care of it. Deep breath. Ok, so they figure they will still try to finish the Detour, but to save money, they take the subway instead of a cab as specified in the clue. Also, they panhandle the money for the subway with ease. Apparently Russian money is totally useless since everyone is willing to give it away.
Nick and Starr ride the rails with ease, commenting about a million times how living in NYC has come in handy. They finish easily and get their next clue to proceed to the Pitt stop where they are once again first and win trips to Anguilla. They are assured a spot in the final 3. I hate them.
Toni and Dallas and the Frats get to the Shetland Pony lady at the same time, but Toni and Dallas have to go back and take a cab instead of riding the subway. The Frats get their Speedbump, and with the challenges on this leg so far, I was dreading hearing what they had to do. Speedbump: they have to perform with Russian dancers. haha. You know the producers just made this up after seeing the marching. I thought this would be the end of them given the total lack of coordination of the one dude. They have to repeat it twice but finally finish.
Toni and Dallas borrow money and go back to the author's house where they also get money to take a cab, return to the Pony lady and start panhandling to ride the rails.
The Cheaters ride the lines but get on the wrong kind of bus. Keeeeeeennnnnn. God, her voice is killing me. The Frats do either the lines or the rails. Lines I think. By this time my head was hurting. Both teams end up at the station, Tina and Ken are kind of lost and arguing. The Frats spot the clue box and head on out to meet Phil. Frats are team number 2. Cheaters cheat and just see Phil and the mat and step on it. Phil tells them that they are team # 3 buuuuut, they missed the final clue. They panic and run all around the station. Fortunately for ME, Toni and Dallas are horribly behind. Cheaters step on the mat and get the final spot. (Ginnie: how big was the drama at your house??)
Phil gets tired of waiting for Toni and Dallas, so he goes out and finds them in the street and tells them it's all over. Toni cries, they both say "I love you" over and over again. I wonder what will happen with Starr and Dallas' romance??
Survivor Week 12
Ok, I really thought I already wrote this one up. I think I dreamed one that was probably WAY funnier.
Show started with a rehash of Randy's humiliation. Man, I could watch that all day. And, continued on the road to the camp with lots of yukking it up at Randy's expense. Bob finally had enough (which I think was more guilt than anything else) and told Sugar he was "pissed off at the belittling". But, Daaaaad, it's sooooo fun.
Corrine is mad. She jumps on Sugar too. She and Sugar go at it. Sugar has taking a lot more from worse people at the pole dancing joint. She takes Corrine to task for talking behind people's back. Corrine basically says, that's the game of Survivor. Cut to Corrine, "I'm in a camp of mutants. I'm NICE to people I like". Wow, how big is that pool of humanity?
Oh, the animal shots are back.
Bob and Ken go fishing. With Ken growing a pair for the first time in his life, Bob wants to explain the facts of life to him and tell him to always carry protection. At first I thought he meant condoms but I think he means you should always have a spare immunity idol in your pocket. Kenny tells the camera-"Bob doesn't know how to play Survivor". LOL. You KNOW this is going to bite him on the ass.
Challenge time. Survivors are divided into 2 teams of 3 people. They are tied together and have to go out through a swamp to get...wait for it.... sprocket puzzle pieces. I think Mark Burnett is trying to patent the sprocket, cause Jeff says it like every week. Ok, so they get the pieces, put them together and.......YES!! Raise a flag. Second round has the 3 winners going against each other with yet another puzzle. See, with America becoming so obese, they can no longer have challenges where people actually MOVE THEIR ASSES. Wanna know what you're playing for? Video's from home. Here, take a sample look on this SAMSUNG PHONE. We have Crystal's husband and child, Kenny's sister, Corrine's family and her brother-he must have had his 3rd eye removed as well, Bob's hot wife, Mattie's girlfriend and dog, Sugar's sister and someone for Suzie. I have to admit to a little teary eyes. The didn't show the video porn Jeff's girlfriend Julie sends him daily ON THE SAMSUNG PHONE.
Suzie and Crystal are captains, and everyone but Corrine is chosen. She has no chance of winning the video-oh it comes with pizza and beer. She wah wah wah's about how nobody likes her and she doesn't know why. Maybe it's because YOU ARE BITCH.
Ok, so the get all tied up, and make their way into the swamp, which is really swampy and everyone falls down. Sugar's top falls down and gets all pixilated. Anyway, Crystal, Bob and Sugar's team figures out how to work the sprocket (I am soooo into that word) and they raise their flag first. I'm guessing Kenny was confused because it was 3D and not on a computer screen. Second round is one of those puzzles we had as kids with 8 pieces in a 9 piece square, but bigger. Bob kicks it and wins the prize.
Bob wins reward, which Jeff now says is a Sprint phone. Either Samsung pulled the placement or it is a Samsung phone with Sprint service. Anyway, since Ford is now bankrupt and no cars are gonna be given out, they gotta make up some cash in phone service product placement.
So Bob sits down in the jungle couch (I wonder if, like in my house, he had to move the ass of an animal to sit down) and pours himself a beer. He's got the video of his wife going and she says, "wait, I have something to show you". I think Bob was thinking this was gonna get all porno but instead his wife popped out from behind a tree and surprised him. Bob is so friggin cute, although I swear he is starting to look like Tom Hanks in that movie with the volleyball. Anyway, she tells the camera that "Bob smelled sooo good (ok, she actually said smelt but I think that is a small fish)-like campfire. Yea, campfire, perspiration, 32 days of morning breath and unwashed ass. Hmmm, smells like spring in Iowa.
Bob and she go back to camp and meet everyone. Bob gives a whistle and all the other loved ones come over the hill. Aaahhhh, I'm crying now. Corrine hugs her brother-"he "gets" my sense of humor". Kenny talks strategy with his amazingly normal looking sister. Sugar and her hefty sister sit on the dock and throw some of her dad's ashes into the croc (the animal not the smelly shoes) infested water. Sugar has hobbit feet by the way. I was crying again.
Then, the dramatic music. No, not an animal kill, but Matty hugs and kisses his girlfriend Jamie (and again, I am so thinking of the socks on his teeth) and asks her to marry him. It's all romantic, what with the flies buzzing over head and all. He gives her a...wait for it..... fake immunity necklace as an engagement present. HUH, I was expecting that necklace from the Titanic movie. Like, is this the land of lucky charms and beads or what?? Man! Who knew Gabon was just one big AC Moore store. Fortunately they cut away, because the way the water buffalo looked scared and ran away, that dock was a rocking...if you know what I mean.....
Back to the game. Bob and Corrine talk about wanting to blind side Matty. The other 5 talk about getting rid of Bob. Bob tells Corrine that Marcus didn't really throw that immunity idol in the water, he hid it and Bob has it. She asks if it's real, and he tells her, alas it's not, but they should use that as a story to get some others to blind side Matty, thinking it's not worth voting for Corrine if these two have yet another idol. Yea, I'm thinking, what ahole is gonna fall for that move again??
Immunity Challenge: Gabon Questions, which you get balls for each right one that you subsequently throw at a friggin sheet with circles drawn on it.
1) Gorillas were discovered in Gabon...True. Corrine and Sugar get balls
2) The male elephant is called a bull, what is the female elephant called....a cow. Sugar, Suzie, Corrine and Bob get this
3) The gabonese viper (haha, I thought they meant Corrine) is poisonous but not to humans, true or false...False. Everyone but Suzie and Corrine get this.
4) The elephant trunk serves as it's nose, arm and mouth. False. Kenny, Matty, Sugar, Corrine and Bob get this right.
Balls are thrown. Bob wins immunity. Corrine is all wigged out that their lame ass plan is going to work.
Corrine tells Kenny about the idol. Remember, this was his idol until Matty or Marcus showed it to everyone. Kenny wants to blind side Matty, Bob and Corrine ask him to bring in Crystal. Corrine to the camera- "it just shows the level of incompetence we're dealing with". Corrine wants Matty to go, not Corrine.
Bob talks to Crystal, offers her final 4 if she takes out Matty. Kenny and Crystal rejoice in the jungle with their plan to get Matty out, AND get Corrine to use the idol. They decide to split their votes so Corrine gets 4, Matty gets 3, Corrine pulls out the idol and Matty is gone.
Tribal council. Randy is in a green shirt, not the devil costume I was expecting. Lots of blabbing about trust, when to break with your allegiance, paranoia, blah blah blah. Really Jeff, although you are in that hot hot hot dark blue shirt, and without a baseball cap, enough with the psychology. The votes are cast. Anyone want to play an immunity idol? Slowly Corrine shakes her head. Corrine is voted on to the jury of hell.
Show started with a rehash of Randy's humiliation. Man, I could watch that all day. And, continued on the road to the camp with lots of yukking it up at Randy's expense. Bob finally had enough (which I think was more guilt than anything else) and told Sugar he was "pissed off at the belittling". But, Daaaaad, it's sooooo fun.
Corrine is mad. She jumps on Sugar too. She and Sugar go at it. Sugar has taking a lot more from worse people at the pole dancing joint. She takes Corrine to task for talking behind people's back. Corrine basically says, that's the game of Survivor. Cut to Corrine, "I'm in a camp of mutants. I'm NICE to people I like". Wow, how big is that pool of humanity?
Oh, the animal shots are back.
Bob and Ken go fishing. With Ken growing a pair for the first time in his life, Bob wants to explain the facts of life to him and tell him to always carry protection. At first I thought he meant condoms but I think he means you should always have a spare immunity idol in your pocket. Kenny tells the camera-"Bob doesn't know how to play Survivor". LOL. You KNOW this is going to bite him on the ass.
Challenge time. Survivors are divided into 2 teams of 3 people. They are tied together and have to go out through a swamp to get...wait for it.... sprocket puzzle pieces. I think Mark Burnett is trying to patent the sprocket, cause Jeff says it like every week. Ok, so they get the pieces, put them together and.......YES!! Raise a flag. Second round has the 3 winners going against each other with yet another puzzle. See, with America becoming so obese, they can no longer have challenges where people actually MOVE THEIR ASSES. Wanna know what you're playing for? Video's from home. Here, take a sample look on this SAMSUNG PHONE. We have Crystal's husband and child, Kenny's sister, Corrine's family and her brother-he must have had his 3rd eye removed as well, Bob's hot wife, Mattie's girlfriend and dog, Sugar's sister and someone for Suzie. I have to admit to a little teary eyes. The didn't show the video porn Jeff's girlfriend Julie sends him daily ON THE SAMSUNG PHONE.
Suzie and Crystal are captains, and everyone but Corrine is chosen. She has no chance of winning the video-oh it comes with pizza and beer. She wah wah wah's about how nobody likes her and she doesn't know why. Maybe it's because YOU ARE BITCH.
Ok, so the get all tied up, and make their way into the swamp, which is really swampy and everyone falls down. Sugar's top falls down and gets all pixilated. Anyway, Crystal, Bob and Sugar's team figures out how to work the sprocket (I am soooo into that word) and they raise their flag first. I'm guessing Kenny was confused because it was 3D and not on a computer screen. Second round is one of those puzzles we had as kids with 8 pieces in a 9 piece square, but bigger. Bob kicks it and wins the prize.
Bob wins reward, which Jeff now says is a Sprint phone. Either Samsung pulled the placement or it is a Samsung phone with Sprint service. Anyway, since Ford is now bankrupt and no cars are gonna be given out, they gotta make up some cash in phone service product placement.
So Bob sits down in the jungle couch (I wonder if, like in my house, he had to move the ass of an animal to sit down) and pours himself a beer. He's got the video of his wife going and she says, "wait, I have something to show you". I think Bob was thinking this was gonna get all porno but instead his wife popped out from behind a tree and surprised him. Bob is so friggin cute, although I swear he is starting to look like Tom Hanks in that movie with the volleyball. Anyway, she tells the camera that "Bob smelled sooo good (ok, she actually said smelt but I think that is a small fish)-like campfire. Yea, campfire, perspiration, 32 days of morning breath and unwashed ass. Hmmm, smells like spring in Iowa.
Bob and she go back to camp and meet everyone. Bob gives a whistle and all the other loved ones come over the hill. Aaahhhh, I'm crying now. Corrine hugs her brother-"he "gets" my sense of humor". Kenny talks strategy with his amazingly normal looking sister. Sugar and her hefty sister sit on the dock and throw some of her dad's ashes into the croc (the animal not the smelly shoes) infested water. Sugar has hobbit feet by the way. I was crying again.
Then, the dramatic music. No, not an animal kill, but Matty hugs and kisses his girlfriend Jamie (and again, I am so thinking of the socks on his teeth) and asks her to marry him. It's all romantic, what with the flies buzzing over head and all. He gives her a...wait for it..... fake immunity necklace as an engagement present. HUH, I was expecting that necklace from the Titanic movie. Like, is this the land of lucky charms and beads or what?? Man! Who knew Gabon was just one big AC Moore store. Fortunately they cut away, because the way the water buffalo looked scared and ran away, that dock was a rocking...if you know what I mean.....
Back to the game. Bob and Corrine talk about wanting to blind side Matty. The other 5 talk about getting rid of Bob. Bob tells Corrine that Marcus didn't really throw that immunity idol in the water, he hid it and Bob has it. She asks if it's real, and he tells her, alas it's not, but they should use that as a story to get some others to blind side Matty, thinking it's not worth voting for Corrine if these two have yet another idol. Yea, I'm thinking, what ahole is gonna fall for that move again??
Immunity Challenge: Gabon Questions, which you get balls for each right one that you subsequently throw at a friggin sheet with circles drawn on it.
1) Gorillas were discovered in Gabon...True. Corrine and Sugar get balls
2) The male elephant is called a bull, what is the female elephant called....a cow. Sugar, Suzie, Corrine and Bob get this
3) The gabonese viper (haha, I thought they meant Corrine) is poisonous but not to humans, true or false...False. Everyone but Suzie and Corrine get this.
4) The elephant trunk serves as it's nose, arm and mouth. False. Kenny, Matty, Sugar, Corrine and Bob get this right.
Balls are thrown. Bob wins immunity. Corrine is all wigged out that their lame ass plan is going to work.
Corrine tells Kenny about the idol. Remember, this was his idol until Matty or Marcus showed it to everyone. Kenny wants to blind side Matty, Bob and Corrine ask him to bring in Crystal. Corrine to the camera- "it just shows the level of incompetence we're dealing with". Corrine wants Matty to go, not Corrine.
Bob talks to Crystal, offers her final 4 if she takes out Matty. Kenny and Crystal rejoice in the jungle with their plan to get Matty out, AND get Corrine to use the idol. They decide to split their votes so Corrine gets 4, Matty gets 3, Corrine pulls out the idol and Matty is gone.
Tribal council. Randy is in a green shirt, not the devil costume I was expecting. Lots of blabbing about trust, when to break with your allegiance, paranoia, blah blah blah. Really Jeff, although you are in that hot hot hot dark blue shirt, and without a baseball cap, enough with the psychology. The votes are cast. Anyone want to play an immunity idol? Slowly Corrine shakes her head. Corrine is voted on to the jury of hell.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Survivor Gabon: Rehash show
In case you were in a turkey coma and missed it, I watched the Survivor reheat show. Some new footage, some stuff from their interview tapes. It's narrated by Jeff, who says "it's a true underdog story" like he's auditioning to play King Lear at the summer stock Shakespeare Festival.
Audition Tapes:
-There's some strange thing with Ace-hole in a suite on a beach.
-Randy's tape shows him sitting in front of an urn with his dead dog's remains. "I've only loved one thing in my life, my dog. Dogs rule, people suck". He's also playing with a knife and what looks like a huge steak, surrounded by pictures of his dog.
-Bob is in his school cafeteria saying how good he would be eating bugs and stuff cause he's eaten crap in the cafeteria for years. Before he finished his sentence, the lunchroom lady cracks him on the head and takes him down. Hilarious.
-Susie says that if chosen, she needs to take her tweezers so she doesn't come home with a beard and mustache. I hear ya 45 year old sister.
-Matty: "I was put on the planet for Survivor".
Hey, I never knew there was a Marcus and Jackie romance that made Corrine mad. Seriously, half of this episode is anger management, which is really what survivor is all about.
New scenes:
-Matty makes everyone stand around the campfire and sing "Jamie's a really good fellow" to celebrate his girlfriend's birthday. Afterwards, he's talking about getting engaged or something and Randy tells him he's never suffered any of the losses Randy has. Like what, Randy? Randy gets all emotional talking about how his dog (a big black dog named Johnson-you do the pop psychology on THAT one) died 5 years ago. He's gonna get another dog when he gets home so he will have someone to tell about his Survivor experience. That should send fear through the animal shelters.
Hey, did anyone ever notice that Bob wears crocs? They have crocs in Iowa?? I wonder if you can smell them all the way across Africa? (Note: anyone looking for a cheap high, go to the croc store in the Limerick outlets and inhale. There are like, 10,000 pairs of crocs in there giving off croc gasses. Seriously, my head hurt in 2 minutes)
Replay of the time Kota won reward and got helicoptered to a picnic. It's hilarious cause it's a "high end picnic" and Corrine is freaking out that no one knows what the food is. "It's a freakin gerkin, for god sake". She goes ballistic cause no one knows what pate is, or proscuitto or blue cheese. Close up: "I'd rather be serving up poison to these people". WOW. I hope her parole officer is watching this.
Answer to my question: Sugar made new clothes out of the rug in the Exile Island hut.
Not sure this is a new scene, but I must have missed the part where Sugar decided to educate Corrine on her negative outlook on life. She's telling Corrine that "everything you say is noted" and you probably don't realize what a friggin bitch you are. Corrine just sits there but later EXPLODES to Randy "I'm not going to take a lesson from a non-college educated out of work waitress who lives on the goodness of people. I hate people who live on the goodness of people" (haha-this is my favorite line cause I could see me ranting this a few years ago when I was a big fat executive). "At the least, I'll be able to control the jury and 'this is how the lesson goes, bitch'". WOW. Did I mention her audition tape has her in a bikini yammering on and on about how she went to the University of Florida (ivy league? I think not) on a full scholarship and finished in 3 years. Cause, probably, they wanted her gone too.
The episode finished up with a replay of the Randy cookie incident and his exit. Just as good the third time around.
Back to the real show Thursday night!
Audition Tapes:
-There's some strange thing with Ace-hole in a suite on a beach.
-Randy's tape shows him sitting in front of an urn with his dead dog's remains. "I've only loved one thing in my life, my dog. Dogs rule, people suck". He's also playing with a knife and what looks like a huge steak, surrounded by pictures of his dog.
-Bob is in his school cafeteria saying how good he would be eating bugs and stuff cause he's eaten crap in the cafeteria for years. Before he finished his sentence, the lunchroom lady cracks him on the head and takes him down. Hilarious.
-Susie says that if chosen, she needs to take her tweezers so she doesn't come home with a beard and mustache. I hear ya 45 year old sister.
-Matty: "I was put on the planet for Survivor".
Hey, I never knew there was a Marcus and Jackie romance that made Corrine mad. Seriously, half of this episode is anger management, which is really what survivor is all about.
New scenes:
-Matty makes everyone stand around the campfire and sing "Jamie's a really good fellow" to celebrate his girlfriend's birthday. Afterwards, he's talking about getting engaged or something and Randy tells him he's never suffered any of the losses Randy has. Like what, Randy? Randy gets all emotional talking about how his dog (a big black dog named Johnson-you do the pop psychology on THAT one) died 5 years ago. He's gonna get another dog when he gets home so he will have someone to tell about his Survivor experience. That should send fear through the animal shelters.
Hey, did anyone ever notice that Bob wears crocs? They have crocs in Iowa?? I wonder if you can smell them all the way across Africa? (Note: anyone looking for a cheap high, go to the croc store in the Limerick outlets and inhale. There are like, 10,000 pairs of crocs in there giving off croc gasses. Seriously, my head hurt in 2 minutes)
Replay of the time Kota won reward and got helicoptered to a picnic. It's hilarious cause it's a "high end picnic" and Corrine is freaking out that no one knows what the food is. "It's a freakin gerkin, for god sake". She goes ballistic cause no one knows what pate is, or proscuitto or blue cheese. Close up: "I'd rather be serving up poison to these people". WOW. I hope her parole officer is watching this.
Answer to my question: Sugar made new clothes out of the rug in the Exile Island hut.
Not sure this is a new scene, but I must have missed the part where Sugar decided to educate Corrine on her negative outlook on life. She's telling Corrine that "everything you say is noted" and you probably don't realize what a friggin bitch you are. Corrine just sits there but later EXPLODES to Randy "I'm not going to take a lesson from a non-college educated out of work waitress who lives on the goodness of people. I hate people who live on the goodness of people" (haha-this is my favorite line cause I could see me ranting this a few years ago when I was a big fat executive). "At the least, I'll be able to control the jury and 'this is how the lesson goes, bitch'". WOW. Did I mention her audition tape has her in a bikini yammering on and on about how she went to the University of Florida (ivy league? I think not) on a full scholarship and finished in 3 years. Cause, probably, they wanted her gone too.
The episode finished up with a replay of the Randy cookie incident and his exit. Just as good the third time around.
Back to the real show Thursday night!
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