Survivor Update: How many alliances?

Yo Yo Yo!!!  Where ya all been?  I've been sending out updates for the past 3 weeks without any comments.  (hahaha).  Ok, that's a lie.  But I'm up off my ASS and just rewatched last week's episode. 

But first!  Looks like Kat bit it at her first threesome, and then Laura B went to redemption as the switch tribe of all women chose her over Vytas.  Supposedly they are all bonded for life now.  As are the men and Ciera. 

Laura B arrives at redemption and is all PISSED and think the women made a terrible mistake.  "It's ridiculous, ridiculous, it's ridiculous, ridiculous".  Apparently she thinks the vote was ridiculous. 

So, the women and Vytas talk about what happens when the teams merge.  Vytas-"I can bring Aras and Gervase into the merge with us", that would make 6.  For some reason, they tell Monica she's above Gervase but still #5.  Which pisses her off totally. 

Threesome time.  The winner re-enters the game.  Jeff goes on to explain what "winner takes all" means for about 10 minutes.  It's totally annoying. 

And hey. BTW, how come these contestants are all wearing CLEAN CLOTHES?? 

Ok.  The threeway is the big pole hug.  Who has the strongest thighs.  I'm thinking we can leave Laura B out of this one.  Ciera isn't sure she wants her mother back but LM is all "I proooomised Ciera I'd make it back". 

John is out first followed my Laura B whose heavy ASS dragged her down the pole.  Just the way Rupert likes it.  LOL. 

Tribes are now merged.  Laura M burns the clue.  And they get food. 

And, now, it gets so freaking confusing that I had to rewatch it twice.  There are apparently 3 alliances floating out there.  The original celebs and their loved ones, the switched tribes and then there's a new alliance of those with loved ones and those without. 

Aras and Vytas talk and agree that their alliance is Tina, Katie, Monica, Gervase, Tyson.  Vytas isn't sure about Tyson but Aras is all for including him.  Aras wants Laura M gone first.  Vytas is pretty sure he and Aras are already the final 2.  Monica beats Tyson's ear about her being #5 and Tyson keeps telling her it's gonna be Aras.  He also says he's like to dig his eye balls out with a rusty spoon in order to get to his brain. 

Challenge: it's a memory test. Bottom line, it comes down to Vytas and Aras and Vytas wins immunity. 

So... Aras decides that the boys will all vote for Laura and the girls will all vote for Ciera.  Not sure how or why that would be acceptable since it goes across the alliances. 

Laura and Ciera talk.  They wonder if Aras has the idol.  Laura is a total spaz.  Wants to split the vote between Aras and Tina.  I'm not even sure what alliance they think they are in. 

Tyson wants to get rid of Aras.  He considers his alliance to be him, Caleb, Gervase, Monica, Hayden, Ciera and Laura. 

Did I mention Tyson found the idol? 

Tribal

Tyson agrees that there are 3 potential alliances.
 The original tribes (Aras, Gervase, Laura, Monica, Tina, Tyson vs Vytas, Caleb, Hayden, Ciera, Katie),
the switch tribes (Aras, Gervase, Tyson, Caleb, Hayden, Katie vs Laura, Monica, Tina, Katie and Vytas)
OR the blood tribes (Aras/Vytas, Laura/Ciera, Tina/Katie vs Gervase, Monica, Tyson, Caleb, and Hayden)

Hayden agrees that there is a pairs vs individuals possible alliance but that with Laura back in, most of the combos make Laura and Ciera a swing pair.  He also points out that any of the bloods could swing. 

Is Laura a target as the person who spent time on redemption usually is?  Laura says she has a bond with her daughter who gives her advice.  Ciera admits she has to talk her mother down off the ledge. 

Gervase insists the "smart people" who are paying attention will still be around tomorrow. 

And, it's time to vote.  There are 2 votes Laura and 2 votes Ciera.....and Aras is blindsided.  Crap.  There's still gonna be redemption island!

 

 

Survivor Update: Caleb and his Kahunas

Hello and welcome to this week's ALMOST ON TIME update of last week's Survivor episode.  I'm really hoping I'm not the only one watching this season! 

So last week Caleb up and said, "yo, I'm voting for Brad" at tribal council and almost everyone followed.  Well, except for the rest of the Bro-alliance.  Hayden and Vytas are all "what just happened??"  "Huge move, Bro".  Yet they are both thinking "this cannot be good for us males, can it?  I mean, helllloooooooo why did we even think the gay bro wasn't gonna go all girly on us and chose the other church, as they say." 

Annnnnnd over on Redemption Island, it's time for a little coitus brad-eruptis!  "Yo!  Don't kill me!"  Brad enters with his white flag out and his tail between his legs.  "I'm sorry Candice....please don't go all Carrie on me...."  Candice: " I have no love for him....this is my island and it's kill or be killed...." 

Over on Celebrity Island, there is some really really fucking creepy shit going on in the form of a lewd backrub performed by Laura M on Aras.  I mean, he even LOOKS uncomfortable.  "How did you learn to do that Laura M..."  "I've been married for 25 years......you should see what I can do with a can of whipped cream and some nuts."  Aras thinks Laura M (LM) is trying to play him.  No, Aras, I think she is trying to screw you.  Laura B tries her hand at a little cougar action:  "Gervace.....come have some blankey space.....".  Seriously, in what universe would that work?? 

Time for the 3-way!  Brad comes in and Monica immediately asks "can I take your place".  No baby.... Brad feels the need to explain that he isn't there "because I'm a jerk". Hmmmmm.  Candice says "I was just repeating what people were telling me".   Whatever.  Jeff has to point out that she hasn't played one day at either tribe. 

So the 3 way.  It's the use planks to build a bridge, cross it and touch the table (really??  Survivor can't even spring for a freaking bell or something??)  and then use the planks  to do a....wait for it.......PUZZLE.  And don't think, Jeff, I didn't notice that the puzzle picture is exactly the same as last week's.    Anywhoooo, Brad gets a lot of cheers and assistance, and in the end Candice is a goner.  Big kiss and goodbye.  John gives Monica the clue and "THROW IT IN THE FIRE BABY, THROW IT IN THE FIRE BABY".  She throws it in the fire, baby. 

Monica has the SADZ.  Tina, who by the way is looking worse than at the end of the Australia season, thinks Brad and Monica are really tight and that could be threatening.  She thinks now that Monica no longer has her guy she's stepping up her game, which could be a threat or an asset. Or she could just get freaking annoying trying to convince everyone her professional athlete husband doesn't suffer from steroid-induced rage attacks. 

Over in non-celebrity hooterville, Ciera is showing off her bug bites and Katie is impressing people with her amazing press on toe nails.  Which are nasty but hey, I once had Susan G Komen feet and STILL had to walk another 40 miles.  Vytas is all "where am I in this game?"  There clearly is no Bro-alliance.  He tries to kiss up to Caleb by telling him HE HAS NICE SKIN.  LOLOL!  He must have read that in a "what homosexuals like to hear from straight men" book.  Caleb says he can "swing either way with his big kahunas (can't believe that wasn't bleeped)",  which I took to mean that book is right on but he was talking about aligning with the men or the women.  Keep in mind this dude is ENGAGED to Colton. Clearly he has no ability to judge people.  Vytas decides instead of working on his alliance or strategizing he's gonna go do yoga,  And talk about how much nicer this place is to dry out than his last rehab. 

Finally, the challenge.  It's brought to you by Hasbro and is available at Target nationwide.  It's the Survivor slip N slide (also known in the trade as the "jesus some of these people smell like ass so let's do something about it" challenge).  After the slip N slide, it's the old ring toss!  God.  Does anyone remember when Survivor had real challenges??  Wanna know what youre playing for, in addition to the enema?  STEAK, and spices and a WOK.  Some one actually says ooooooh a wok.  Like, you can have the steak Ima gonna lick on this wok for a while.  Or, they can chose fishing equipment, which the producers have shipped over Fed Ex and will NOT take back until the non-celeb tribe FINALLY wins it in a challenge. 

Sooo, first up Gervace and Caleb.  And with one girly underhanded toss Caleb smokes the professional athlete. Next up, Tyson in his little hair bun beats Hayden.  Katie beats Kat, Aras and Vytas go against each other and Jeff is all "ooooh, the grudge rematch".  And is it me or does Jeff have a case of the I-can't-shut-the-hell-ups this season?  Isn't it funny when you stop sleeping with someone at the Pottstown Motel 6, because someone marries a skank, that you notice how freaking annoying the really are. Who's with me on this? 

Anyway, Aras and Vytas go head to head, and because of his yoga zen, Vytas wins.  3-1 if you're counting.  Tina obviously beats Ciera, and Caleb once again proves his worth putting things on a pole and beats Tyson.  Who also throws like a girl.  It's all down to Gervace and Hayden.  HAHAHA, did anyone really think now was Gervace's time to shine? Nope.  Finally, the loved ones win a challenge!  Woo hooo!  Jeff: so you're taking this damn fishing gear right?  "Nope Jeff, we'd rather be 47%ers and take food handouts instead of learning to fish".

So it's a tough day at the celebrity camp as everyone reviews their contracts to see who is obligated to go first.  OHHHH, Laura B doesn't have a contract, let's get rid of her. Plus SHE IS GOD DAMN ANNOYING and frankly one of the least attractive women they've ever had on the show.  LB goes up to Kat and starts taking trash about "the girls" bitching about her staying in the challenge when they wanted to do it.  Kat is all, "what's your problem old woman?"  She ignores her. 

Will it be LB or LM?  LB is the safe choice because she's annoying and has no contract, plus she messed up the strategy Tina and Rupert worked out via their managers.  BUUUUUT, LM might have a better change of beating Brad, who apparently no one wants to come back into the game.  That way, they can control Monica.  Monica figures this out and starts lobbying for LB. 

Tribal.  Jeff is in green and does his  "fire is your life" thing. 
Gervace: Is it different this time?  Yes.  These people make some moves. 
Tina: It's going faster this time in terms of strategeering.  "That loved ones thing is a big twist" (thereby earning herself another spoonful of rice)
Monica: Yes, Jeff, that loved one thing is miiiiighty big of a change.  Even better than that island where people had to go spend the night in the rainstorms a couple of seasons ago.  I dread seeing Brad at the 3-ways. 
Aras: I'd like in on that "yes the loved one thing is a might twist" extra rice gambit, please.  There is loyalty in the pairs.  Not with Vytas and me, thought, noooo sireeeeee.  That yoga doing drug addict can go do a downward dog for all I care. 
Laura M:  Yea, same with me and Ciera.  Franky, I'm looking at her bug bites and thinking, "now you know how I felt when you came home all knocked up". 
Gervace-Meh, she and Ciera are still close.  I mean, she didn't even kick that pregnant little slut out the house.  That shit don't fly in Philly.
LB-do I belong here Jeff?  What the fuck kind of question is that?  What do you mean "you're not Rupert in the tie dyed shirt and ARRRRRGHHHHH"?  You aren't ARRRRGGGGG either Jeff, and there is NO WAY you could pull tie dyed off with your pansy dyed hair and your little J. Crew shirts and necklaces. 
Laura M: Jeff, LB hasn't felt the STING of being voted off Survivor like we all have.  I'm still in therapy after my dollar store torch was snuffed out.

And on that note, time to vote........Laura M you are off to redemption!  Try that backrub on Brad and Monica will scratch your eyes out.

Mini'lebs

Gervace     Meagan     Nancy

Monica      Liz             Tess

Tina         Jill                Susan

Aras         AnnMarie     Stephanie

Laura B     Stacy         Jeff/Eileen

Tyson     Amys husband John S

Kat         Alt 2 Donna       Alt 2 Mary

Love'uns

Caleb         Karen         Cindy

Katie         Denise         Ginnie

Vytas         Betty         Gail

Ciera         Leslie         Becky

Hayden     Donna/John Kelly

Redemption Isle

Colton     Alt 1Donna      Alt 1Mary  Which means you now have KAT
Rachel         Cathy V    Kim

Laura M     Lori             Amy

John      Cathy  V and Kim. 
Brad         Elayne         Carolyn

OUT
Rupert Donna Mary Which means you now have Colton. 

  Which means you now have John.
Marissa Rachel JoanneCandice Ron Kevin/Matt

Survivor Update: Mess with the bull, deal with the horns.

Buenos Dios!  I was going to do this entire update in Spanish, but since they didn't ask where the library was last week I'm kinda out of Spanish.

So where were we.....John was blindsided and sent off to 3-way island,  joining his hot little bundle of angry wife and Marissa.  Let's hope Marissa's one special item was earplugs.  And hey, do they still get one item?  Haven't heard that in a while and it appears to me they get to bring a whole suitcase of stuff these days. 

Brad's all happy with his hoodwinking.  "I hooked him from Day 1! "  Tells everyone that they need to start thinking about getting rid of people without loved ones on the other tribe so they can somehow magically increase their numbers at merge time.  Caleb is all, "well I'm fucked". 

Tri-duel time!  Candace, Marissa and John are in the Coliseum.  But first! A little more Candace venom spewed at Brad.  "I'm PISSSSSSSSED......II'd rather have BRAAAAAAD here." and then, so predictably, she turns her head and spit green vomit. 

Monica: "Why is everyone hating on my maaaan?" 

Brad: "Have I shushed any women?" 

John: "Never shushed me and I'm a total ball-less abused husband"

Candace: "AAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYY"

Seriously, this woman with pms?  There's those elusive WMDs George Bush was looking for. 

Finally, Jeff grows a pair and we proceed with the ladder climb-puzzle challenge.  Jeff:"It's a real hard puzzle.....it's gonna take you a loooong time to get it......shit, I still haven't completed it in my air  conditioned trailer".  "It's a square puzzle....and and and it has a logo on top.....and it's square....." 

 Bottom line, John and then Candace win!  YAY!  More sex time!! 

Candace, after blaming  Brad for calling all the shots in their marriage bellows to John  "LETS GIVE THE CLUE TO MONICA".  Yes, Dear.  Brad tells Monica to put the clue in the fire, put the clue in the fire, put the clue in the fire.  Monica puts the clue in the fire.  Candace "JUUUUUST DOING WHAT SHE'S TOLD.  NOW GET ME SOME FISH, JOHN, I'M HUNGRY DAMMIT". 

Back at the celebrity ranch, Monica is upset.  "I'm sure Brad's just trying to provide firewood and comfort for your loved ones..."  You can almost hear the eye rolling at that one. Gervase: "Um, perhaps you don't really know Survivor Brad". 

Brad thinks everyone's hating on him!  I'm a target!  Caleb, Hayden and Vytus are rethinking that whole manly man alliance thing. 

Tyson is still resting his arm.  Well, in between running the coconut shell game with Gervase.  They steal the coconuts, crack them open a little bit and drink the juice.  The women think crabs are getting to them.  LOL.  "Operation Coconut". 

Challenge: Immunity and a choice of coffee/tea and sweets or fishing gear.  Paddle out, swim down and get big squares, paddle back, form stairs, do a puzzle, get a combination, get a key, lift the damn flag.  Tyson stays in and 2 women sit out. 

The loved ones lose their boxes in the water and the yellow team pulls ahead.  Yellow is first to get their staircase done.  And now we have us a mother-fucking puzzle off!  Once again Laura goes against the clueless Ciera, who apparently couldn't figure out that round birth control puzzle thing back in high school.  Celebs finish the puzzle, and raise their flag first.  WHO DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!

Hayden: " We just lost to a dude with one arm and 3 moms". 

Back at camp, the men go "get water" while the women "make rice" which apparently is code for discuss their votes.  Brad hangs back and tells Ciera and Katie they should all vote out Caleb.  Ciera is like suuuuuure. 

Meanwhile the men are waiting for Brad to show up.  They all want Ciera.  Brad finally shows up and tells them I've convinced the girls it's Caleb".  Caleb is all, "Say whaaaat??" 

Tribal:

Brad-no, this isn't what I was expecting on Survivor.  I thought my wife was just being a pussy about it all.  We've lost twice by Ciera and her puzzles.

Ciera-ok ,so I suck at puzzles.  I don't bitch about it at camp.

Brad-why are y'all airing dirty laundry at redemption, making crap up and telling the other tribe? Voting out people without loved ones on the other side would make my life easier at the Coliseum

Caleb-Hmmmmm, you talking about me??

Brad-Nooo, I wasn't talking about you specifically....I've never "campaigned" against anyone...that's a bad word.....

Hayden pops back up to show  he's relevant.  "Trust is hard to get back once you lose it". Thank you, Confucius.

Caleb-says something and then says "I'm just telling y'all I'm voting for Brad". 

Everyone-"Say WHAAAAT???" 

Hayden and Vytus are all "Daaaaaamn.  Who knew the little gay farmer had it in him?????"

Ciera- OMG!!! 

Brad-"I'm not writing your name down Caleb..."

Time to vote!  It's a tie-3 for Brad, 3 for Ciera.  Revote.......And as Brad heads off to join John and Candace in the nastiest 3 way EVAH, my chances for FINALLY winning this damn pool take yet another circle around the drain. 

Survivor Colton Smackdown.

Yo!  Whew, glad to be back.  Last week's update was canceled due to the gubermint shut down but fortunately SOMEONE realized these updates were ESSENTIAL to the functioning of America.

2 weeks ago:  Colton was a dick, the immunity challenge was skeeball and Rachel was voted out because the manly men believed Tyson could be enticed to take her place and come back into the game on the losers side. 

So, last week we get to meet Tyson's cupcake belt.  "Who wants a lick?"  Um, yea.  NO ONE. 

Lady parts Colton was bitching that no one wants to talk strategy.  Aras tells him, yea, you're in trouble.  He thinks Colton only likes the game when he is causing problems. 

And now to the 3-way, which is called a duel. 

And just so we are all clear:

du·el

[doo-uhl, dyoo-] Show IPA noun, verb, du·eled, du·el·ing or ( especially British ) du·elled, du·el·ling.

noun

1.

a prearranged combat between two persons, fought with deadly weapons according to an accepted code of procedure, especially to settle a private quarrel.

2.any contest between two persons or parties.


Tonight's threeway is between Candace, Marissa and Rachel.  Tyson "they probably voted for her thinking I would change places with her".  Rachel "you have a better chance than me BABY".  Tyson decides not to switch and a big fight breaks out between Brad CulP, Tyson and apparently Marissa wants a little of it.  Colton starts to fucking cry.


Jeff: "Colton, what's your fucking lady parts problem?"
Colton : "I don't want to be here"
Jeff: "Well, I'd prefer to be at the Pottstown Motel 6 but Mark Burnett owns both of our asses.  Mine however only literally"
Colton: "I thought I was gonna get to have sex with my farmer fiance in an exotic location"
Jeff: "Sorry Colton.  So do you want to stay or quit AGAIN, because I can now tell the world that you TOTALLY FAKED THAT APPENDIX"
Colton" Did not. I was treated for a bacterial infection  known as syphilis"
Jeff: "Tina, you want a piece of this?"
Tina: "Hell yes!  I starved on season 2 to make this a hit show so pansies like Colton could come back and EAT RICE ALL DAMN DAY."  "He's pissed that he can't control the game.  Well that and the Caleb sex thing".
Jeff: "Is Tina right?  You're just a dick who should have stuck to your synthetic leather couch from Ikea?"
Colton: "But Jeff, everybody knows if I don't get my Caleb sex every day I become mean.  I told the producers that".
Caleb: "Yo bitch, don't be blaming me."
Booooohooooooooooooooooooo  Lemme it  on Caleb's lap before I goooooooooooooooooooooo.

Ok. So maybe I embellished that a little.  Anywho, Colton is back to redneck Alabama or wherever he hides out.  Keep your buff ya damn quitter.

Sooo, who wants to play a little dominoes?  Bottom line....Rachel is out.  Candace gives John the second clue to the immunity idol.  Which NO ONE ELSE ON EITHER TEAM has tried to find with out a clue. 

Brad thinks he is in charge but thinks everyone else thinks they are in charge.  Delusion can be caused by head injuries I hear.  He has a bit bad ass target shaped tattoo on his back.  And since he is my player he better get kicked out while there are still alternates, dammit.

John has the clue but can't find it.  He finally shares it with Brad but tells Brad that they shouldn't be seen both looking for it.  Brad gets suspicious.  Does John not trust me?  Do I trust John to be my wingman??

Immunity Challenge:  It's a sumo wrestling pillow fight.  Or as Aras likes to call it, a bully grudge match.  Aras is still apparently in therapy for the bullying his brother gave him as a child.  He's apparently blown through his first winning million dollars on the couch and now needs more money to figure out why his brother was a bully.  Or as I liked to call it, a big  brother. 

Here's the deal:
Gervase and Brad grudge match.  Brad wins
Laura and Katie, Laura wins
John and Aras, John wins
Hayden and Tyson-Hayden wins immediately because Tyson dislocates his shoulder. 
Tina kicks her daughter Katie's ASS
Aras realizes his dream and kicks Vytas's ass. 
Cierra gets her ass kicked by her mom, who has a little crying fit first. 

The mini celebs win immunity and more comfort. 

Back at loser camp, the mens quickly decide which of the women they are getting rid of.  Cierra.  But then because this episode still has 20 minutes left, Brad has to be a total DICK, risking my pool win, and he decides it's time to blindside John.  John's strong, plus if his wife comes back into the game, they will team back up and I'll lose my "guy", so he has to go.  He talks the men into it and then they talk to the girls who are like, SUUUUUUURE.  The only catch is Brad has this scheme that HE won't actually vote for John, so that if he comes back into the game he can still be buddies with him.

Yea, even the women realize what sleeze this is.  MAYBE WE SHOULD GET RID OF BRAD INSTEAD???

Tribal:
John: Yes, the men are the strong people on the tribe, Jeff.
Katie: Yes, I am aware that I suck it and have lost twice to my freaking mom.  I need now to win for the therapy money
Cierra: Yes, I let the team down because I weigh 90 lbs already
Caleb: MALES DOMINATE.  LOLOL.  (He really did say that)
Vytas: Yes there is a male alliance BUT it's not quite rudimentary.  (He learned the big words in rehab).  Trust still comes into play.
Brad: The idol could be used against you.  I'm glad I don't have it but my wing man might. Oh and I'm not the kingpin.  No sireeeee
Hayden: No one has shared the clue with me.
Brad: We can't always tell the truth in this game!

Time to tally
Vote: Cierra 1, John 4.  Enjoy the Rapture Island sex!

Survivor: Blood in the Water 1

YO, BITCH (sorry if you're not watching Breaking Bad obsessively like I am...)

So, week 1! Season 27! Jeff is TOTALLY dying his hair black. Blood in the water, or as I like to call it, Mini Celebrities and their spawn. It remains to be seen if this "change" will be an improvement or not. I'm totally reserving judgement since it already has 2 BIG ASS strikes against it, namely returning players who I am SURE have already emailed each other or gotten their agents to arrange a meeting at Starbucks to develop alliances and strategy. In addition, we have the return of the dreaded RESURRECTION ISLAND. Or redemption, whatever. It's still massively annoying to me. 

Ok, so we already pretty much know the players.

Gervase (which they pronounce wrong and piss me off) and his niece Marissa-who I understand were last minute replacements.

Kat, who I instinctively hate and can't remember why and her Big Brother winner boyfriend. Didn't Kat sleaze her way into the end last time??

Laura M who was a big mother to everyone and her real daughter Ciera.

Pirate talker Rupert and his wife the other Laura. Ever wonder what happens when you accidentally let a tie dyed T-shirt go through the hot wash with your underwear?? Does your underwear come out even more tie dyed?

The New Colton and his Fiance, Caleb. Caleb is a farmer, so WTF is he doing with the pink shirted Colton?? My bet is New Colton goes over as well as New Coke did.

Candace and her husband John are both doctors.

Monica and Brad Culpepper. She was the hot older woman whose husband played football and made enough money to buy her giant boobs. This season we get to see the ATM.

Tina and her daughter Katie.

Tyson and Rachel. I have no memory of Tyson.

Aras, who apparently won a season and his druggie brother Vitas. Again, I have NO MEMORY of Aras.

First up, for those married and dating couples, one last night of sex before the game begins. Couples spend one night alone without any provisions. AND APPARENTLY NONE OF THE MINI'LEBS TEACHES THEIR LOVED ONES TO MAKE FUCKING FIRE.

Next morning they get to meet Jeff and pretend he hasn't been to their kids birthday parties. OOOOH, you get to play with your loved ones but NOT WITH THEM, AGAINST THEM. DRAMA! Culpepper says "yea, it might be hard to not throw a challenge so my loved one could get out of the rain". Just like we do in the NFL!

Right off the bat, Jeff makes them vote someone off their tribes. On the Lov'uns Laura B is voted out to weaken Pirate Rupert.  Yaaaar  he's MAAAAAD. Candace is voted off the Mini'lebs since she spent her time in med school instead of doing her time at the Reality TV conventions. Jeff offers them their loved ones the change to switch with them and Pirate Rupert jumbs at it. Tina all but yells, "but what about the plan we discussed over mochachinos?? One last kiss and they are off to Redemption Isle.

At camp they get a box of supplies. Since the mini'lebs had better agents, they get totally dry wood to instantly make fire, and a secret "shelter in a box" kit hidden in the jungle. Again, and not for the last time, let me ask, "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY wouldn't you ask your loved one, who was on fucking survivor before, SHOW ME HOW TO MAKE A FIRE. Nope. Dumbasses don't have a clue so they go with out water and shelter. Because apparently you need fire to make a shelter??

Anyone else catch Colton trying to cut bamboo with a machete pulling it towards his groin? He and Monica? discuss their history and decide to bury the hatchet. Or not...

Culpepper stands up and makes a little speech about NOT REALLY thinking of throwing a challenge. Then the men bond and form an alliance. Ciera tells Vitas and maybe CulP about being a 16 year old pregnant teen, who is now married to the daddy of her second child. They discuss how hard that was on her parents, and yadda yadda. Vitas is all, I CAN TOP THAT! I was a heroin addict that went to JAIL!! And it saved my life and turned me into a YOGA TEACHER.

It gets even deeper when Colton goes all "waaaaa, I had a tough life as a rightwinger living in a rightwinger state and having to suffer HOMOPHOBIA. Waaaaaaaaa. Let's all forget that I went on a RANT last time about all those non white people on welfare. This time I'M THE VICTIM of bigotry, so it's BAAAAAAD. He breaks down. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK. He claims he's changed. Remind me again, is Alabama gonna be the last state to allow gay marriage or the second to last???

Oh, lest we forget about Redemption, Candace is all pissed and taking it out by doing all the work. LOL. Rupert is sitting around letting her and conserving energy.

TREE MAIL-which means it really IS survivor! Challenge! With swimming, paddling and...wait for it.....PUZZLING. Tina says her mom is gonna do the puzzle but I'M A WAY BETTER PUZZLE DOER THAN HER".

Colton says they have fire and a mini condo. CulP lies and says "oh yea, us too". Gervase sucks at the swim and paddle part. The love'uns pull way ahead. The old Colton comes out and threatens Kat over her paddling. The love'uns are way ahead going into the puzzle, yet Tina KICKS ASS while her daughter basically does NOTHING. Mini'lebs win immunity! Gervace is totally obnoxious celebrating the win. Colton is crying.

Back at camp, the love'uns are kinda pissed at Gervase for being a dick. His niece bags on him for it and they all decide to win with grace. "Whoever we vote out stabs the loved one in the back". Which is the essence of this season I believe.

Either they're showing CulP a lot of I can't tell the men apart, but as they strap on and get ready to go to Tribal he has a WHITE BELT AFTER LABOR DAY on. Epic fail.

Tribal:

Hayden admits they don't have fire.

Ciera says it's WAY harder than she expected and OMG we're hungry.

Caleb-the blood vs water thing complicates things.

John feels guilty that he didn't change places with Candace.

They discuss winning with dignity and Marissa says her uncle showed no grace.

Vitas-the actions of your loved ones could work against you. Namaste.

Marissa: I'm guilty by association. Judge me not him

Katie: yea, well I sucked it at the puzzle so I'm just glad that traditionally an african american player is the first one voted off.

Time to tally-HO, Jeff. And lo and behold, the non-white girl is first voted off! Off to Redemption Island for a 3 way!!

Another Survivor Comes to a Close

WOW.  I can't believe we're almost at the end.  Good season, I think.  I'll be sending out a message to those who I think owe me moola a little bit later today.

Last time was a double elimination night with Reynolds of course going but a blindside of Andrea-with an immunity idol in her pocket!  So tonight's definitely Eddie, right??

Eddie: "man, all the chicks I go out with end up going home".  Yea, touch of death, Eddie.  He found lurve how many times in a 35 day period??  He and Cochran are sitting around talking.  "So, Eddie, if you get immunity who do you think is going home? "  "Oh, you are, Cochran".  WHAT??  Here he thought everyone pictured him as a skinny weak non threat instead of the mastermind with a PhD in Survivor. 

Dawn: I have 2 ways to go.  Either join Sherri and Cochran or Brenda and Erik for final 3.  Then she cries about it.

Erik is starving and frankly losing his marbles.  He decides a coconut is mocking him and wants to climb a huge tree to get it.  About halfway up he realizes he could fall and be out of Survivor yet again, so he comes down. 

Tree Mail, brought to you by SPRINT (ding).  It's videos of the loved ones who are obviously on the island.  So it's the family member challenge.

Brenda's Dad is there-and their reunion gets Jeff all choked up for the first time in 26 seasons.  Uhuh.  It's either Low T Jeff or that crappy Oprah light show you host. 
Erik's brother, Sherri's husband-and is it me or is she a cougar??  Cochran's cute mom-"sorry I smell, Mom".  Eddie's Big Dad and finally Dawn's husband.  She cries.

Wanna know what you're playing for?  A backyard BBQ set up right off of your beach.  Challenge is to spin around and around to unscrew a rail, hang it on a rack and they play toss the bolos onto the rails. 

Cochran and his mom are totally out of this one.  He starts to make small talk about her flight over. 

Brenda and her Dad win immunity!  And Jeff tells her to pick one other person.  She picks Dawn, who cries. 

BUT WAIT, there's a twist never before seen in Survivor.  Brenda gets another SPRINT phone (ding ding) with a picture of a second loved one for everyone.  The twist is she can pick another survivor to get to see their 2 loved ones and BBQ OR she can give it up for Dawn and herself and give the other 4 the chance to see loved ones.  Dawn is crying.  Brenda OF COURSE gives it up. 

So the 4 of them and their loved ones have a great BBQ.  Everyone is meeting and greeting and Erik and his brothers just sit down to chow.  Cochran talks about being 13 years old and watching the first episode with his Mom (I watched it too) and everyone since and now getting to share this with her.  But then he starts mocking his Dad who is in sunglasses and manning the grill-"Dad's acting all hollywood.  Since when are we BBQing DAD???  LOL.

Back at camp Dawn is just flat out losing it.  "Brenda is going to get good will, and they all get their loved ones and I get nothing.  She's crying and really really pissed OFF. 

Later Cochran admits that likeability is a double edged sword...

Challenge:  It's a hang over the water while Jeff lowers them with a winch challenge. And frankly I hope they have had tetanus shots because everything looks all rusty to me.  Eddie knows that if he loses he's gone. 

He and Cochran and the first 2 to go!  And everyone is smiling.  Sherri is also out and it's down to Dawn and Brenda.  Dawn tries to make a deal with Brenda since she's never won immunity, and since Eddie's already lost but Brenda shuts it down.  Dawn "I just don't want to do this for hours".  Dawn wins immunity.  And cries.  Brenda: "Gotta keep paranoid Dawn happy". 

Sooooo, it's Eddie, right??

Cochran really wants Brenda to go.  He kinda hints that he wants a different outcome than Eddie to Sherri, and she's like "so if you're thinking Brenda in a blindside I'm totally for it".  He and Dawn talk about whether it's a bigger threat to let Eddie get any farther in the game (I THINK IT IS), or if it's more dangerous to keep Brenda in given she is a challenge winner and everyone loves her. 

Tribal, and Mr Low T is in Dark Blue.

Dawn, you have immunity!  Yep, it feels good, it was on my bucket list.
Brenda: It was OK that I lost because I lost to Dawn.
Eddie, so is your luck about to run out tonight?  Probably Jeff, which is OK because I want a couple nights to shag Andrea before I go home to my other 4 girlfriends.
Dawn" Does a gesture like Brenda made buy her anything?  Yep
Sherri: Yep it does.
Cochran: Eddie is an easy vote, but is it a smart vote??
Eddie: ha ha, I'm toast Jeff.

Vote.  Eddie gets 2 votes, Erik gets one and Brenda is the last person blindsided! 

She's pretty upset.  "I was honest with you guys!!  It hurts".  Eddie just sits there looking stupid again.

May the best person (DAWN) win!!!

Survivor Update With a Poop Rant

I feel like I haven't bagged on Sherri enough, so with that in mind I googled her because I couldn't stand seeing she was a "fast food franchise" owner.  Apparently she owns a couple Wentz Pretzels (??), a couple of Jimmy Johns, a Cinnabon and a Haagen Das. I seriously can't stand her, and I believe she has permanently dyed eyelashes, or tattoo'd eyeliner.  Ya know what else I found out?  She named her son after Colby Donaldson.  Her plan going into the game was to flirt.  Uhuh.  How's that working out for ya??

Ok.  I feel better.  So last time we spoke, Phillip was voted off.  And this week everyone in Stealth R Us apparently has the sads about it.  Brenda has a little melt down and Dawn tells her to keep drinking the brownish water.  They are apparently all hungry and low on food.  Is it me or have they already gone through about 10 giant bags of rice and beans?? 

Aaaand, it's the required auction day.  Malcolm swears he isn't buying ANY food.  Just holding off for the "advantage" clue.  Which is funny because Malcolm buys the first thing Jeff puts up.  $20 for 3 beers and nuts.  A better deal than at Citizen's Park!  Reynolds spends $180 for a covered item, and then is given the choice to trade for one of 2 other covered items.  He sticks with the original one and gets a single slice of pizza.  Sherri blows her entire $500 on the rest of the pizza. 

Dawn spends $500 on a chicken.  Malcolm spends his remaining $480 on the information clue.  It's directions to a buried immunity idol.  Andrea and Brenda bid up the next item, pissing Brenda off.  Andrea gets spaghetti, garlic bread and wine BUT she also gets a chance to give that up and get...yet more bags of beans and rice.  She takes the beans and rice. 

$340 from Cochran for an advantage at the next immunity challenge.  Brenda finally gives in and buys a covered item for $300 and gets a pig brain.  I think she does eat it.  $20 to everyone for letters from home.  Sherri, Dawn and Malcolm can't buy them.  And finally, Eddie spends $200 for a giant bowl of peanut butter he can share for 60 seconds, and they all get to keep anything smeared on their bodies.  Sherri feeds Cochran peanut butter from her fingers. Jeff: "how often does that happen?"  Cochran: "More often than you think, Jeff".  LOL

OK, time for my hygiene rant.  I cannot believe everyone dipped into that bowl of peanut butter and spread it on their dirty bodies and then ate it. Seriously I'm still disgusted.  There must be Purrell bottles behind all of the fake trees in the jungle because there is no way you cold go 39 days without washing your hands and not comes down with a nasty E. Coli infection.  And you never see where they poop.  Do they all poop in the same place or what?  In all the seasons I have never heard anyone talk about digging a latrine.  Why is that?  BECAUSE THERE ARE PROBABLY PORTA POTTIES AROUND THE BEND.  Seriously, no one steps in someone else's poop?  Do they poop in the water when they're out there?  Wouldn't the poop float back on to the beach and someone would say, "yo, your poop floated in, go pick it up".  I swear there is a conspiracy of poop silence.  Like the Survivors have to sign a contract that says they can never discuss pooping. And why do the women never get nasty yeast infections?  I mean come ON, 39 days in a wet bathing suit??  Seriously, if they gave then flour they could probably make bread.  Yet you never see anyone scratching their privates all day long.  Yep.  There are probably wipes hiding under the rocks. 

So where was I?  Oh yea, the auction is concluded.  Wrap and the boys decide to work on getting Sherri to vote with them. 

Malcolm spends the night digging all around the tree he's sure has the idol.  Andrea comes upon him and just sits and watches him.  It's a stand off. 

Immunity Challenge:  Hold a rope with a log attached to it that weighs 1/3 or your original body weight.  Every 5 minutes move your hand down the rope knots until you run out.  Cochran gets to move his hands back up 2 knots whenever he chooses.  He chooses wisely to do it as soon as they move to the 3rd knot, so the entire time he's holding less weight.  It comes down to Cochran, Eddie and Wrap.  Cochran continues to be the challenge monster and wins immunity!!

Malcolm works on Sherri, Wrap on Erik.  Dawn works on Erik.  Question: should they split the vote or should they just all go in on one person?  Is Erik loyal??  Sherri tells the camera that she now calls the shots. 

Tribal:

Wrap-yes Jeff, the last tribal council changed things.  I don't think it's still 6-3.
Andrea: anyone flipping now will be voted out next.
Sherri-of course if you're at the bottom of the 6...
Dawn: Sherri, I hope you don't really think you're at the bottom of the 6.
Malcolm: it was a crazy day looking for that idol
Jeff: why all the talk about idols this season??
Dawn: Um, probably because they are getting played over and over this season, Jeff.
Erik: Yes I am concerned someone could flip. 
Cochran goes through the whole scenario and says "it only takes one person to change things"
Sherri just sits there looking like the cat who got the cream. 

Vote.  No Idol played.  The vote is split between Wrap, Malcolm and Andrea.  Second vote it's all Malcolm. 

I wonder what was worse, getting voted off or having to go to Ponderosa right after blindsiding Phillip???