Amazing Race Update 3

Ok, first off, I'm guessing the Asian Daddy's meds clearly wore off from the start of the show. I'm waiting for his daughter to change his shirt to say, "who's your asshole". And, I guess we were supposed to believe his problem was his hernia from biking his daughter a half a mile in a rickshaw? No sympathy. And, I really don't think that was a real doctor who "pushed the hernia back through the intestinal wall".

After the most dramatic airplane mechanical problem ever, everyone ends up all on the same plane to W. Africa. No, I am not going to try to spell the town. They then all end up on the same train to Bingo, which is just a hole in the veld. Since the train doesn't leave until the next morning, they all party with the homeless Africans. The fluffy girls don't like Africa. It's dirty and the African women don't have professional manicures. Kynt is just a damn baby who needs to be helped everywhere he goes. Lip gloss is holding up pretty good, and I think he made a few bucks out in the bushes with the homeless men.

Is it me or is the grandad a total double from the F*&*ing chicken grandfather in Little Miss Sunshine?? Once in Bingo, they hit a roadblock. Camel milking and drinking. Some of these women aren't good with their hands (and you can read whatever you want into that statement). WHY OH WHY do these people never learn that animals have souls and don't like you to yell the word "baaaaaaaaby" around them? Grandpa Don has apparently milked a camel or two in his life. TK, who probably smells just like a camel by now, was able to coax the milk out just by walking past the camel.

Lorena and Julia had problems, further pushing Lorena (who is "passionate") over the edge. I thought one of the nomads was going to kick her in the head. Lorena, Julia, Jennifer and Azaria all ran out of milk and had to go find camels with more to give. Lorena preferred to just stand and yell, "Baaaaaaaby, there's not more miiiiillllllkkkkkk". Which I'm sure made Jason rethinking that whole marriage and children thing.

Jennifer and Azaria finish up pretty quick, leaving Julia and Lorena to battle it out. After the milking, the teams had to lead 4 camels to the waiting Nomads. Asian Daddy had to friggin sing the whole way, further indicating his meds aren't quite adjusted right.

After the camel lead, is a DETOUR. "Teach it or Learn it" Teams have to either teach african kids english (and, really, how hard is that when they all do have cable) or learn some african words. This is pretty uneventful, but while they are arriving and leaving for the pit stop, what looks like a HUGE storm blows in. Unfortunately it doesn't blow Jason and Lorena out. After kicking the milk over, freaking out, and finally finishing, Lorena asks Jason, "do you still love me'?? haha. What's the poor guy going to stay on national tv?

Teams then head back to Bingo for the pit stop. Azaria and Hendekia finish first and win another trip for two to incest Island. It comes down to Lorena and Jason against the sisters Marianna and Julia in a foot race. Unfortunately, Jason and Lorena win out and Marianna and Julia are eliminated.

Survivor Update 9

On to Day 25. James, having escaped elimination wakes up in a fine singing mood. I wonder if I can hire him to wake me up some morning...

Denise doesn't agree with Courtney who thinks a morning without Jean-Robert is Christmas. Doesn't Denise LOOK like a trans-fat serving lunch lady? I mean, why not wear a mullet if you head is gonna be in a hair net all day.

Denise was yet again kept in the dark about the vote and she ain't happy about it. Could be a crucial moment in the game.Todd continues to have something up his butt. And, surprisingly enough, he doesn't seem to like that. He now hates PG. It's not all hate though, as Courtney and Frosti are clearly in lust. Is it me or do they look like a pair of baboon grooming each other?? Ugh. What happened to the mean girl we used to know?

Reward Challenge: The ancient game of Ha Ke Sac, or bouncing a knitted ball around. Another "schoolyard pick", and the teams are: Courtney, Erik, Frosti and Amanda vs PG, Todd, James and Denise. Basically Erik and Frosti run away with the game, getting their 3 balls in and winning the Lee River Cruise. The 4 of them head off to the cruise, with beautiful scenery all around them. Unfortunately they miss it all since they are grubbing on fried chicken. There was obviously more date-rape Aqua Dots served, as Frosti and Courtney continue to groom each other and Erik and Amanda eye each other up. If this guy is a virgin, it ain't from lack of opportunity.

Back at camp, the fireworks are a blazing. PG storms around blaming James for throwing the challenge, which is pretty amusing. Todd is pissed he's not on the reward challenge. He still has an enormous head. PG storms off and gets her 5 minutes probably built into her Survivor contract to act all R rated (get it?), and we get to see her rolling on her back in the lake. Yawn.
The victors return and have to lie about having American food, instead of that damn chinese shit again.

Immunity Challenge: This is a memory one with a twist. There's food for anyone who doesn't want to participate. And, again, these people clearly have not watched Survivor before since a number of them jump at the food with no regard to how arrogant this is perceived. James, Denise, Todd and Courtney chose to eat burgers and fries. Clearly, Courtney's eating disorder is in remission. They grub on the food like crazy people while Erik, PG, Frosti and Amanda compete in stabbing zodiac symbols with a knife in proper order. Erik goes first, followed by Amanda. PG and Frosti battle it out until PG wins immunity.

The puppet master in the Oliver Twist hat continues to mastermind the game (yea, right), and talks people into voting out Frosti and breaking up the Frosti and Courtney alliance. Best line of the show to date comes following Frosti's departure: " I got beat by the tiny flight attendant, the sassy new york waitress and a lady with a mullet."

Survivor Update Week 8

Finally, the long awaited weekly update!!

So, what happened last week? LOTS of footage of James fishing. Daaaammmmnnn. What a piece of eye candy. Notice the fish were even throwing themselves at him.

Jean-Robert is still thinking of the last challenge when Jaime showed up with a piece of wood claiming it's an immunity idol, when Jeff said, "yes, there is an immunity idol in the game but this ain't it". He's ALMOST sure there's an immunity idol in the game. Almost.

Reward challenge: the bucket brigade. Wanna know what you're playing for? A trip to a 1000 year old village and dinner at the Chung King diner. Damn, couldn't they order in a pizza instead?? Survivors are split into 2 teams, and Denise is left unpicked, as PG, Frosti and Erik decide to chose based upon weight. Man, that must make Denise feel good. She's in China in a bad one piece bathing suit, with a mullet and some virgin is calling her fat.

First up, Courtney in one boat, Todd in the other. JR, James and Amanda basically load Courtney's boat up with water as she splashed around with her useless arms saying, "c'mon you guys, stop". Next up, Amanda and Frosti are in the boats. Niether PG or Courtney can fill and throw a bucket of water to save their soul, so Frosti is the first one under. Big surprise.

Off to the ancient city for JR, James, Todd and Amanda, complete with the bamboo tube. I'm guessing everyone was shooting eyes at Jeff to forget about the tube, but they are forced to bring it along and open it up during dinner. JR realizes that this is a HUGE reward, given that they now have clues to the idol. He's unfortunately too stupid to figure out that James has already won a challenge and gotten the clues. I don't think he ever makes this connection. JR thinks they should go right back and look for the "american immunity idol".

Back at camp, PG tries to co-opt Denise and Courtney to vote for JR. I think Courtney has gotten a hold of some Chinese Aqua Dots, because she's all peace and love now, and I think she's hitting on Frosti. The MSG full survivors return and everyone crawls into bed except JR, who stays up all night looking for the immunity idols. Is it me or did they replace the plaques? Cause I thought he pulled 4 of them off and hid them in the bushes.

Todd, who has an extremely large and mis-shapen head (anyone else notice that?), is getting a little PMS'd out, and is mad that James hasn't offered to share the immunity idols. I thought that was kinda rude of him myself. Todd is getting a little unbalanced if you ask me. Perhaps the buff is too tight on his big head.

Immunity challenge: Time to ride the giant dragon. Courtney sits motionless and in a trance for over 30 minutes with a giant moving dragon between her legs. Something tells me this is a typical Saturday night for her. Courtney wins immunity, and when Jeff puts the necklace on her (which I think is made up of chinese bottle caps, and probably full of lead), she falls to the ground due to the weight. OK, this only happened in my fantasies, dang it.

Back at the camp, JR tells Erik he has the idol. Erik tells him, um, no, you dumbass, you're the only one who doesn't know that James has 2 of them. Poor JR, he's so stupid. He confronts James and threatens him that he has to stick with JR. Why? I can't figure out for the life of me. JR lays in wait for the big head boy, and tells him, "dude, I have BIG NEWS- James has both idols". JR thinks they should vote James out and make him use an idol. You would think this would be perfect for Todd, but he gets his panties all in a wad because he thought of that idea DAYS ago, and now JR is having the same idea. That is like, SO UNFAIR.

So just to spite him, Todd changes the plans and they vote out JR, who totally doesn't see that coming!

Amazing Race Update 1

Ay, tis an Irish Proverb: May you always find an accommodating ass.

Whoa, good contestants this time-with the exception of the lesbians, not a marriage in the group! Let's mock them:

First up-the Asian dad and his daughter, Ronald and Christina. Dad "wasn't around much when she was growing up". Wouldn't it be funny if against stereotype he was in jail, not working?? I know I'm getting old when Christina's comments that Dad is "almost 60" and doesn't have much time left, so she wants to get to know him while there's still time. I thought 60 was the new 40?

Kynt and Vyxsin-the Goth couple. I hear Maybelline is gonna sign him for their new ad campaign on how to get your lip gloss to stay put for hours and hours. "These best friends have been dating on and off for over three years", even though he's totally GAY. You disagree? Their bio says, "together they enjoy shopping, dancing and doing each other’s hair/makeup". No further comment needed.

Lorena and Jason-pondering the marriage questions, although Jason says on national TV, "I'll always feel like one foot is out the door". Hmmm. You think she knew this before it aired the other night? Frankly, the way he treated her while driving (and going the wrong way, mind you), I'm hoping she turns out to be more like Lorena Bobbit.

Kate and Pat: Looooove them. They aren't gonna be "wimps for Jesus" and hold doors open for anyone. Finally, some TV Christians I can get behind. But, please tell me they are not gonna keep dressing to match. I know that lesbian wardrobe can get a little limiting, but c'mon. Also, did I hear one of them really say "Amazing Race is like a love letter to the planet"?? Maybe Phil will get the next Nobel Peace Prize.

Shane and Jennifer. Here's the team to HATE, and I don't think I'm going out on a limb here. I thought they were sisters, but I think they got their noses and breasts from the same guy. Would it be wrong of me to suggest that there really were 10 contestants but 2 of Hefner's "girls next door" escaped under the ruse of running the Amazing race?

TK and Rachel. EEWWWWW. Like, it's leg 1 and these 2 already look dirty and disheveled. These 2 are newly dating, she owns a high-end flower show and he's a substitute teacher. I think that's code for unemployed surfer.

Mariana and Julia: these 2 are a little too close for me.

Nate and Jennifer. I'm thinking these 2 are gonna win the award for most usage of the word "baby". And, GOD I HATE THAT!!! Although there wasn't a lot of baby talk when the donkey wasn't moving. Key line from their bios: " both admit they couldn't stand each other at first, but soon grew closer and started dating". Given they've broken up several times in 2 years, should be good to watch them fight their way around the world.

Nicholas and Donald, grandfather and son-The son is a friggin airline pilot, even though I don't think he's old enough to reach the pedals. Granddad seems to like to curse a lot, so you gotta respect that. Does the Asian daughter know he's 68 and still breathing?

Azaria and Hendekia-OK, it took me almost the whole show to figure out they are actually brother and sister, not married. Again, a little creepy but they seem to get along. First place, baby!! They won a trip for 2 to Banff, which is also a little creepy to think about. My money is (literally) on them winning the whole thing.

Ari and Staella: What more can you say about these 2?? They're best friends, basically because no one can stand either of them. Another straight girl hooked up with a gay guy. NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT. These 2 caught the curse of the stolen taxi, and the bad Kharma bit them in the ass, literally.

OK, so what happened on episode 1: Teams left the playboy mansion, got lost, caught 2 flights to Shannon Ireland, first flight was late, Az and Hendekia ordered 2 taxi's for them and Ronald and Christina. Ari and Staella stole the taxi. Teams took 2 ferries, had to ride tandem bikes, got a roadblock (Phil explained what a road block was in that sexy New Zealand accent), one had to pedal a bike on wires across a river, the second partner was suspended below, and ended up at a farm where they had to load 15 bars of peat in baskets on donkeys and then walk the donkeys.

Can I say, first of all, that I want to be a donkey in my next life? And how cool would it be if your spouse or boss was trying to get you to do something you didn't want to do and you just stood still and made donkey noises REALLY LOUD?? Let's all try it this week.

OK, back to the suspense. The NICE people, who treated their donkey's with respect, all made it. Nate and Jennifer got a stubborn donkey, as did Ari and Staella (so much for choosing the donkey who looks "lonely"-that means it's a psycho donkey). About half an hour of the show was spent watching these 2 teams alternate crying and yelling at their donkeys while everyone else passed.

Bottom line, Ari and Staella should have never stolen that taxi.

Rant for the Day: No Hugs

I usually wake up to the Today's show. And it's usually about half an hour after I get out of bed, snuggle on the couch with a cup of coffee and some warm socks. Watching the Today's show something usually comes on the air that snaps my head back and makes me say, "are you f*^$%ing kidding me"??

Today it was a story on the schools around the country and their "no hugs" policies. Interestingly enough, the policies aren't designed to stop twenty-something female teachers trying to cop a feel of some 14 year old male a$%, but to stop all student-to-student displays of affection.

According to one principal, the policy stems from kids sharing hugs tying up the hallways. Yea, we wouldn't want the kids with guns running through the hallways to get tied up in traffic on the way to the shooting. Also, they say it's a result of some kids getting romantic in the hallways, and others getting hugs they don't want.

I can remember in my high school days there were always those couples that had to be joined at the groin between every class. Inappropriate public displays of affection? You bet. Did it scar me for life? Not particularly. Did I want to be one of those kids? Well......sometimes. Was I? Not even close, darn it.

Am I missing something in today's schools where one child or, more likely, parent can complain about some perceived injustice and we roll out a no-tolerance policy? What are we teaching our kids here? That anything that you don't personally like you can ban from all of society? How about using the hugs to teach what's appropriate and what's not appropriate PDA? How about we sit down with the groin huggers and discuss why what they are doing might bother some people and, frankly, isn't good for either of them.

And, how about we teach the greatest lesson one could ever learn in life: if something bothers you, nicely ask the botherer to stop. If you're not a hugger, learn to say, "I appreciate how you feel, but I'm just not a touchy-feely person". Believe me, that will help you out of MANY situations in life.

What's next, we ban people looking at each other, because the social phobics have a hard time with that? I mean, why not just bring on the burka's and the lowered eyes in public because it seems to me this is where it's all going.

I seriously think it all comes down to the fact that via email, blogging, and text messaging, we've lost the ability to interact one on one. How much easier is it to fire off an email to someone who you perceive has injured you, than to pick up the phone or go in person and have a conversation? Both kids and parents rely too much on a third party to solve their problems. What ever happened to calling up Johnny's parents and saying, "Becky mentioned to me that Johnny wants to hug her every time they're together, and she's a little uncomfortable. Could you talk to your son?" I know, I know. It doesn't work. Johnny will get mad that his parents were discussing him, Becky will get mad because you talked to them, and Johnny's parents will probably take it as a personal attack on their parenting skills. Better I call in the principal of the school, and the school board and try to solve this problem. But wouldn't it be better if we could all give and take honest feedback without having an allergic reaction?

Damn, I need another cup of coffee and a hug.

Survivor Update 7

Ok, so I'm guessing Courtney missed that "everything you need to know in life you learned in kindergarten" book that was out a couple years ago. Oh, yea, she probably doesn't read. Anyway, that girl does not know how to get along with others!! She's mad at Jean-Robert, then she's mad at Todd and everyone else 'cause they won't join her anti Jean-Robert clique. Wasn't she in "Mean Girls Suck?" My favorite Courtney line: "I dislike everyone else more than I dislike Todd and Amanda. I think they mistake that for friendship.” Maybe while she's in the hatch for her anorexia, they can work on her anger issues.
James gets the second immunity hunk o'wood and hides them both in his pants. Fortunately they're big enough... In his haste, he leaves the non-immunity hunk o'the set on the ground, where Jaime finds it and searches through James' pants and feels that he has 2 of them. Being a blonde, she assumes this is an immunity idol lying on the ground, and what with James' TWO, assumes there must be 3 of 'em. Again, DON'T THESE PEOPLE WATCH SURVIVOR????? She talks it over with Erick while laying on the bamboo "bed", but he's so consumed with being in a bed with a hot Christian, he doesn't know what the hell she's talking about.

Survivors go to reward challenge and (SHOCK) find out they are merged and get bad-ass black buffs. OOOOOh. They also get a feast with a TRADITIONAL CHINESE ACROBAT SHOW. When they do this crap, they should have words going across the bottom that says, "see, we're not exploiting this ancient society, just celebrating it". Jeff also warns them, "the game never stops" (cue the dramatic music). Survivors run off to the all you can eat Chinese buffet, with 5 meat and 5 veggie entrees. Wonder if they got soup and egg rolls too.

Hae Da Fung (Black Fighting Wind) is the new name. Me? I woulda gone with Wha Da Fuk.

Jeff shows up at camp. which I think might be UNPRECEDENTED, and proceeds to have the immunity challenge right then and there, with the unveiling of the Survivor China Immunity Necklace. Challenge is the "who stayed sober enough to remember the feast" challenge. Tough questions: “How many times did the fireworks go off during the celebration?” , “The four cultural dancers wore what on their feet?” and "Was that dog in the meat dishes??" Frosti wins immunity!!

In preparation for Tribal, everyone has an opinion on who should go. Jean-Robert threatens Todd to get PG off, Jaime tries to get Frosti back by telling him they have the immunity idol, she also tells Todd she knows who has it and it he saves her she'll reveal all tomorrow (cause she's MUCH SMARTER THAN SHE LOOKS).

Who is the Zhan Hu mastermind-PG or Jaime? Will the unbalanced and hungry Courtney screw Fei Long over? Will there be a dramatic twist and Jean-Robert goes?? MOST IMPORTANTLY: Will Jaime pull out her hunk of wood, thinking it's the immunity idol??

I actually think that may have been one of the funniest scenes in Survivor history when Jaime hands Jeff the "idol", and he gets to say, "there is an immunity idol in the game, and unfortunately this isn't it" while he pitches it into the fire. Wouldn't it be funny if next week, PG and Erick carry all sorts of pieces of the set to Tribal and keep interrupting the vote reading with, "hey Jeff, hows about this piece of MDF??"

Anyway, Jaime is the first person to sit on the jury. Hopefully Erick will join her and they can continue to not have sex for the remaining 15 days.

Phoebe at 5 months

Phoebe at almost 5 months. Her nose is getting really long, coat is losing the puppiness and the teeth are getting HUGE.