Dropping like flies!! First off, I'm not sure Kathy was really that much of a fan, but I think this series should be called Favs vs Couch Potatoes. Can I just say this proves that the average crazy will wack out after 19 days without meds. Something to remember! On the other hand, one night in that cave with the rats and bats and I would have been in an institution for the rest of my life. Ugh. Let's keep things in perspective, James, you did graves for a living, Kathy is a golf course vendor. Again, another job I didn't know existed. Damn that Upper Merion High School guidance counselor. Who knew you could make money putting little patches of grass (are they called divits??) in vending machines. I guess they sell them at Walmart, next to the worm vending machines.
Ok, so we also get to know that the Ozzie-Amanda romance has been replaced by the Ozzie-Erik-the-scooper romance. Love Cirie talking about them both!
Reward challenge: brought to you by CLAIROL HERBAL ESSENCE. God I am so glad the Preparation H product placement deal fell through. This one revolves (get it?) around the ridiculous Micronesia money stone that weighs about 100 lbs. Hey, are you happy to see me or do you have a micronesia money stone in your pocket?? Haha. That was an actual micronesian joke. So, they have to roll this stone through "the forest", which looked to me like it had been hit by loggers earlier in the day, and then crush tiles and get more money stones (these ones penny stones). Then they have to...wait for it...... do a puzzle!! C'mon, is friggin Highlights Magazine also a sponsor??
It's a really boring challenge, and I'll give you a quick summary. Cirie can't tell right from left, but they still kick ass. They win the shower, and get to send someone to Exile. Jason is sent and Ozzie choses Kathy to go. PEOPLE: DOESN'T THIS TELL YOU OZZIE HAS THE DAMN IDOL????? Why else would he not want to go back and find it? Why give The Nipster a chance to find it?
So, not to be totally obsessed with boobs, but we get to see Ozzie showering with a topless Amanda and I think Natalie, while Erik watches. Actually, Erik never saw the ladies... Anyone else catch the Ozzie and Erik eating bananas scene?? Wow. They digitize a cheek coming out of a bathing suit but we have to watch that bit of porn??
This is about the time Kathy wigs out. Lots of drama, Reverend Jeff is called to sit and talk to her. She can't "feel her family in her heart anymore". No, you can't feel the Prozac anymore and that means it's time to get in Jeff's LUXURY YACHT and go home. Anyone else remember when our little Jeff rode around in an old fishing boat?
Immunity challenge. This one has a floating bridge you have to use to get to floating PUZZLE PIECES, which you ride back in and put together. Ozzie of course proves that he's part dolphin. He takes about 4 of the turns for that tribe. Since James has to turn the big crank, the ladies have to do the challenge. They save Jason for the puzzle. No idea why unless to give us even more chances to see women with their clothes falling off. Although Ozzie pulls in the pieces, Amanda and Cirie can't get the puzzle together and the Airai tribe wins immunity once again.
Drama back at Malakal. Lots of women bitching, lots of plotting, lots of NOTHING, as Ozzie escapes the vote and Nipple Girl becomes the 7th (I think) person voted off.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Friday, March 14, 2008
Survivor Week 6
Last week we had a merger of sorts, more like a shuffle I think. Teams are now half fans half favs. Kind of like the brady bunch but without all the cute blonde curls (no offense, Chet). During a challenge, it appears Jonathan was injured and needed stitches. Cirie used her powers and Joel was eliminated. I think that catches us up, right?
So, we begin the night with Erik (AKA Leif Garret) moaning how the favs are ruining things. Ok, he may be right, but I can't get away from the fact that he's a professional ice cream scooper. Um, can you really make a living doing that? And, does that mean he can't take orders or use the cash register yet, just scoop??
Next we see Tracy, who is a really really good strategic player. However, I can't get past her nipples. Look, I'm totally hetero, but man oh man, those things are huge. I think when she got her implants (because no 52 year old looks like that with the original equipment) she went for the rubber nipples upgrade. Damn. I'm just glad we don't have HDTV in this house or I'd be without one eye today.
Back to the actual game. Challenge: "Tunnel blockage", which really should have been called "Chicken Cage Blockade". Teams have to SWIM OUT and bring back stuff to put into the cage for 10 minutes, and then the other team has to get through it. Yawn. Wanna know what you're playing for? A visit from AUTHENTIC NATIVES who will show you how to get to the closest McDonalds.
Airai kicks ass on this one, even with gimpy Jonathan. After the challenge but before the reward, medics are called in to check on Jonathan's leg. Apparently he is about to die at any moment, and is taken off the island. Ok people. It's a game for a million dollars but you're out in the jungle without any percoset or darvon, and you have a leg injury. I'd be jumping at the chance to get off. But, we have to have the MOST DRAMATIC MOMENT IN SURVIVOR HISTORY with Jonathan crying, Kathy who has known him for like, 3 hours crying, and me crying because this is really gonna kill Eliza's chances. Personally, I did think the swelling music and the flying doves was a little much.
In addition to winning the challenge, they also get to send someone to Exile Island. Chet is chosen from Malakal (is that a joke name or what?) and Jason joins him. I've never seen anyone as scared in my life as Jason leaving alone with Chet. On Exile, Chet naps on the beach (which must be a nice change from napping at the old camp), and Jason does the ridiculous clue search and finds Ozzy's fake idol. Idiot. He should have know it was a fake one since the real on says, "Made in China" on the bottom.
At Airai, the AUTHENTIC VILLAGERS come to camp. They introduce themselves as Edwin and Joe. Are you f$^$ing kidding me? Edwin and Joe are AUTHENTIC VILLAGERS?? I guess Joe was named after his mom, "Me Love You Long Time, Joe". Blah Blah Blah, they teach the Survivors how to catch fish. Although I thought they were already catching fish and eating pretty damn well.
Ok, here's an aside. I have decided that the only Survivor I would ever want to be on is Survivor: Wyoming, where you could catch steers and cows and pigs and eat REAL FOOD. Can you imagine the challenges? Wanna know what you're playing for? Sauteed onions, american cheese and buns. Damn, I would be so friggin athletic for that reward. To make it interesting, it could be Survivor Wyoming: Vegetarians vs Carnivores. Tribal council could be a drive in restaurant, with like, leather booths to sit on. The immunity idol would be a giant bust of Ted Turner. Man, it would be kick ass.
OK. Back to Micronesia. Lots of fan vs fav bitching, LOTS of images of nipple girl. You get the picture.
Immunity challenge: this is a TOTAL repeat of a former challenge. Walk 2 people out to a deck, swim out to a little tower and all climb up. Airai totally kicks ass again by having James, that big hulking stud of manhood, basically carrying Eliza and Parvati out to the landing. Airai totally wins and gets immunity.
Back on Malakal, Chet is suffering from, I think, a bunion and is totally jealous that Jonathan got off the god-forsaken island. He asks to be relieved from his suffering. I gotta say right now, this is so endemic of what is going on in american society today. People are such total wimps now a days. Used to be you had to basically throw yourself into fire to get off the island, now you can get off by having a bunion or shutting down your bladder and bowels. Ridiculous.
Nipple girl tries to talk Chet out of going home, with a plan to get rid of Ozzy. Lots more footage of the nipples. We go to tribal council, Ozzy makes a ridiculously arrogant statement about not being afraid, 'cause everyone knows whose going home, blah blah blah.
In the end, that bunion was too much for Chet to take and he becomes the 7th person to leave.
So, we begin the night with Erik (AKA Leif Garret) moaning how the favs are ruining things. Ok, he may be right, but I can't get away from the fact that he's a professional ice cream scooper. Um, can you really make a living doing that? And, does that mean he can't take orders or use the cash register yet, just scoop??
Next we see Tracy, who is a really really good strategic player. However, I can't get past her nipples. Look, I'm totally hetero, but man oh man, those things are huge. I think when she got her implants (because no 52 year old looks like that with the original equipment) she went for the rubber nipples upgrade. Damn. I'm just glad we don't have HDTV in this house or I'd be without one eye today.
Back to the actual game. Challenge: "Tunnel blockage", which really should have been called "Chicken Cage Blockade". Teams have to SWIM OUT and bring back stuff to put into the cage for 10 minutes, and then the other team has to get through it. Yawn. Wanna know what you're playing for? A visit from AUTHENTIC NATIVES who will show you how to get to the closest McDonalds.
Airai kicks ass on this one, even with gimpy Jonathan. After the challenge but before the reward, medics are called in to check on Jonathan's leg. Apparently he is about to die at any moment, and is taken off the island. Ok people. It's a game for a million dollars but you're out in the jungle without any percoset or darvon, and you have a leg injury. I'd be jumping at the chance to get off. But, we have to have the MOST DRAMATIC MOMENT IN SURVIVOR HISTORY with Jonathan crying, Kathy who has known him for like, 3 hours crying, and me crying because this is really gonna kill Eliza's chances. Personally, I did think the swelling music and the flying doves was a little much.
In addition to winning the challenge, they also get to send someone to Exile Island. Chet is chosen from Malakal (is that a joke name or what?) and Jason joins him. I've never seen anyone as scared in my life as Jason leaving alone with Chet. On Exile, Chet naps on the beach (which must be a nice change from napping at the old camp), and Jason does the ridiculous clue search and finds Ozzy's fake idol. Idiot. He should have know it was a fake one since the real on says, "Made in China" on the bottom.
At Airai, the AUTHENTIC VILLAGERS come to camp. They introduce themselves as Edwin and Joe. Are you f$^$ing kidding me? Edwin and Joe are AUTHENTIC VILLAGERS?? I guess Joe was named after his mom, "Me Love You Long Time, Joe". Blah Blah Blah, they teach the Survivors how to catch fish. Although I thought they were already catching fish and eating pretty damn well.
Ok, here's an aside. I have decided that the only Survivor I would ever want to be on is Survivor: Wyoming, where you could catch steers and cows and pigs and eat REAL FOOD. Can you imagine the challenges? Wanna know what you're playing for? Sauteed onions, american cheese and buns. Damn, I would be so friggin athletic for that reward. To make it interesting, it could be Survivor Wyoming: Vegetarians vs Carnivores. Tribal council could be a drive in restaurant, with like, leather booths to sit on. The immunity idol would be a giant bust of Ted Turner. Man, it would be kick ass.
OK. Back to Micronesia. Lots of fan vs fav bitching, LOTS of images of nipple girl. You get the picture.
Immunity challenge: this is a TOTAL repeat of a former challenge. Walk 2 people out to a deck, swim out to a little tower and all climb up. Airai totally kicks ass again by having James, that big hulking stud of manhood, basically carrying Eliza and Parvati out to the landing. Airai totally wins and gets immunity.
Back on Malakal, Chet is suffering from, I think, a bunion and is totally jealous that Jonathan got off the god-forsaken island. He asks to be relieved from his suffering. I gotta say right now, this is so endemic of what is going on in american society today. People are such total wimps now a days. Used to be you had to basically throw yourself into fire to get off the island, now you can get off by having a bunion or shutting down your bladder and bowels. Ridiculous.
Nipple girl tries to talk Chet out of going home, with a plan to get rid of Ozzy. Lots more footage of the nipples. We go to tribal council, Ozzy makes a ridiculously arrogant statement about not being afraid, 'cause everyone knows whose going home, blah blah blah.
In the end, that bunion was too much for Chet to take and he becomes the 7th person to leave.
Survivor Week 4
Looks like the week 3 update isn't gonna happen. Sorry that Yau-man was voted off. Cirie broke with her half-assed alliance (letting someone know they are #5 in an alliance isn't that great a position) and convinced the love birds to vote for Yau.
Week 4 started with Jonathan and Cirie going at it, not romantically but verbally. Jonathan has to confront the fact that the numbers are no longer with his alliance. Also, Eliza comes down sick and apparently that pisses everyone off. Don't know what happened to the nice James from last time around because this James is a much more touchy. Must be the fame.
At the fans camp, everyone but Chet is scurrying around working. Ya know, either there is always one person who prefers to get a tan on Survivor or the editing is such to make a villain out of somebody every week.
Reward Challenge: swim out to a platform, dive down and set coconuts out of a steel cage. Is it me or have we seen this one before? Ozzy goes under and stays there for a while, moving a number of coconuts to the end of the cage so the other favs only have to swim down and release them. Favs totally clean up, getting all the coconuts back to the beach first and spelling out Triumphant first. Wanna know what you're playing for? 3 hens and a rooster. haha. Wonder if there are any vegetarians on the fav tribe this time around? Kathy is again sent to exile island, this time with Ozzy. Anyone catch them holding hands walking to the boat?
On exile, Kathy gives up even looking for the idol, preferring to start impress Ozzy with her fire starting abilities. Ozzy goes to work and quickly finds the idol. Ozzy carves a fake idol and leaves it to be found.
Immunity Challenge: I hate this one. Everyone is tied together with long sticks and has to navigate through the trees, collecting bead necklaces. I guess the writers strike even impacted reality TV. The fans basically never get out of the box, as they are unable to unlock all of their poles in the time it takes the favs to complete the case and decipher the complex message, "team stay intact".
Returning to camp, the fans have to decide who to get rid of. Chet is offered up as the lamb, with Mickey B completely convinced it's the only way to go. Tracy shows some amazing negotiating abilities, and talks Joel into the wisdom of voting with Chet, she and Kathy. At tribal council, lots of discussion about whether strength is most important or other qualities. Blah blah blah. On and on. Meanwhile, all I could do is watch the team at tribal and think the whole tribe looks like an 80's hair band. I mean, they got a dude who looks just like Leif Garret, Joel has more hair than anyone I have ever seen, and even Jason is sporting a long and luxurious mane.
At the end of the day, Mickey B is taken down.
Week 4 started with Jonathan and Cirie going at it, not romantically but verbally. Jonathan has to confront the fact that the numbers are no longer with his alliance. Also, Eliza comes down sick and apparently that pisses everyone off. Don't know what happened to the nice James from last time around because this James is a much more touchy. Must be the fame.
At the fans camp, everyone but Chet is scurrying around working. Ya know, either there is always one person who prefers to get a tan on Survivor or the editing is such to make a villain out of somebody every week.
Reward Challenge: swim out to a platform, dive down and set coconuts out of a steel cage. Is it me or have we seen this one before? Ozzy goes under and stays there for a while, moving a number of coconuts to the end of the cage so the other favs only have to swim down and release them. Favs totally clean up, getting all the coconuts back to the beach first and spelling out Triumphant first. Wanna know what you're playing for? 3 hens and a rooster. haha. Wonder if there are any vegetarians on the fav tribe this time around? Kathy is again sent to exile island, this time with Ozzy. Anyone catch them holding hands walking to the boat?
On exile, Kathy gives up even looking for the idol, preferring to start impress Ozzy with her fire starting abilities. Ozzy goes to work and quickly finds the idol. Ozzy carves a fake idol and leaves it to be found.
Immunity Challenge: I hate this one. Everyone is tied together with long sticks and has to navigate through the trees, collecting bead necklaces. I guess the writers strike even impacted reality TV. The fans basically never get out of the box, as they are unable to unlock all of their poles in the time it takes the favs to complete the case and decipher the complex message, "team stay intact".
Returning to camp, the fans have to decide who to get rid of. Chet is offered up as the lamb, with Mickey B completely convinced it's the only way to go. Tracy shows some amazing negotiating abilities, and talks Joel into the wisdom of voting with Chet, she and Kathy. At tribal council, lots of discussion about whether strength is most important or other qualities. Blah blah blah. On and on. Meanwhile, all I could do is watch the team at tribal and think the whole tribe looks like an 80's hair band. I mean, they got a dude who looks just like Leif Garret, Joel has more hair than anyone I have ever seen, and even Jason is sporting a long and luxurious mane.
At the end of the day, Mickey B is taken down.
Survivor Week 2
Fans are having a rough time at camp. C'mon, don't these SUPER fans all have Survivor journals where they make believe they are gonna be on the show and plan out their shelter, firemaking and water gathering skills? I mean, really, I can't be the ONLY one who plays Survivor out in the backyard and makes my husband dress up as Jeff Probst, can I?? And don't even get me started at how they couldn't even start a fire with a flint.
While the cool kids play with their flint, the misfits (Kathy, Chet and Tracy) set about putting up a shelter for themselves. Ok, tonight when you watch Survivor, please take a close look at Kathy and tell me she is not a drag queen. Once they build their shelter, the cool kids come around and ask Tracy how to build one for them. This done, fire amazingly erupts. All is right with the world and the tribe feasts on clams. Apparently clams are an aphrodisiac, and Mikey and Mary start purring at each other.
On the favorites beach, also known as Temptation Island, Amanda/Ozzy and James/Parvati continue to stroke and play with each other. Since they have shelter, food, water and fire, it's time to try the Survivor logo condoms I guess. And, YOU KNOW all I was thinking was, eeewwwww nobody's brushed their teeth in days.
Reward and Immunity Challenge: First, the swimmers will race out, one-by-one, to a floating tower, climb to the top, and jump off while smashing a suspended tile, releasing a key into the water below. The swimmer must dive down, retrieve the key, and bring it back to shore. Once all five keys are collected, the key-master will open a series of locks on a chest containing puzzle-pieces. The puzzle-makers will use the puzzle-pieces to assemble a map of Micronesia (Survivor geography lesson #1). Poooor Chet. You just knew he wouldn't be athletic. He loses his key and basically loses the challenge for the fans. In addition to winning immunity, the favs get to send one person from the loser tribe to Exhale Island. But wait, there's more! One of them has to go too. Kathy is chosen and Cirie elects to go with her. With only 1 brain working, they are unable to find the idol.
Fans return to camp and try to decide who to vote off. Mickey starts doing complicated vote algebra and loses everyone. Joel gets sick of it and convinces the others to vote out Mickey's squeeze, Mary.
While the cool kids play with their flint, the misfits (Kathy, Chet and Tracy) set about putting up a shelter for themselves. Ok, tonight when you watch Survivor, please take a close look at Kathy and tell me she is not a drag queen. Once they build their shelter, the cool kids come around and ask Tracy how to build one for them. This done, fire amazingly erupts. All is right with the world and the tribe feasts on clams. Apparently clams are an aphrodisiac, and Mikey and Mary start purring at each other.
On the favorites beach, also known as Temptation Island, Amanda/Ozzy and James/Parvati continue to stroke and play with each other. Since they have shelter, food, water and fire, it's time to try the Survivor logo condoms I guess. And, YOU KNOW all I was thinking was, eeewwwww nobody's brushed their teeth in days.
Reward and Immunity Challenge: First, the swimmers will race out, one-by-one, to a floating tower, climb to the top, and jump off while smashing a suspended tile, releasing a key into the water below. The swimmer must dive down, retrieve the key, and bring it back to shore. Once all five keys are collected, the key-master will open a series of locks on a chest containing puzzle-pieces. The puzzle-makers will use the puzzle-pieces to assemble a map of Micronesia (Survivor geography lesson #1). Poooor Chet. You just knew he wouldn't be athletic. He loses his key and basically loses the challenge for the fans. In addition to winning immunity, the favs get to send one person from the loser tribe to Exhale Island. But wait, there's more! One of them has to go too. Kathy is chosen and Cirie elects to go with her. With only 1 brain working, they are unable to find the idol.
Fans return to camp and try to decide who to vote off. Mickey starts doing complicated vote algebra and loses everyone. Joel gets sick of it and convinces the others to vote out Mickey's squeeze, Mary.
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