Survivor Samoa: Week 3

Yo, and welcome to another fine update from Survivor: Post-racial America, where a dumb ass southern cracker isn't allowed to act like a dumb ass southern cracker. Oh, apologies to those of you who live below the mason dixon line. Ima gonna type slow for ya.

Again, don't expect to read anything on Galout, cause, well, they don't have the evil sausage man on their side. Nothing funny about watching doves fly out of everyone's butt. Oh, and speaking of that, I am also not going to discuss the "did you poop" conversation. Cause this is a high brow update.

Jaison and Mick have it out for Ben from the get go. "He's a mental plague". Me thinks they are a pair of those intellectual elites we're always hearing about lately. Danger!!

The evil troll is asking his long hair blonde bimbo who she thinks should go next. She doesn't know or, could it be?? She's smart enough to keep her mouth shut? She's a hairstylist too, just like Yasmean. Snap, I'm hoping for a haircut challenge! The E-troll continues his one-on-one rants: "Ima have them all under my control like zombies". I'm guessing he didn't get enough love as a child.

Sticking with F2, Ben is making fire. He's a big fire maker. He tells everyone that he is the only one who should make fire cause they are almost out of flint. WTF?? In 19 seasons of Survivor I don't believe there was ever a time when they ran out of flint. Not even the time they actually almost starved and had to dive into a rain swollen river for a bag of rice a roni. Like, it's not like that strip on the side of the box of 25 matches that wears out after the 18th match (you can laugh but pay attention next time).

Ooooh, wait!! A glimpse of life on Galout. Oh, Christ, it's yoga time. Shamwow hates yoga. It's communism. Or socialism. Whatever, they're both the same anyway. God damn kids and their yoga. I'll show 'em what a downward dog means in the military.

Back on F2. E-troll wants Ben to stay. Cause they are soulmates and he's hoping they can exchange emails after the show. E-troll tells Ben Ashley wants him gone. E-troll want Ashley gone. Wait, is it me or did he make an alliance with all of the people he wants to eliminate first? Dude, you try to keeeeeep the people you are in an alliance with longer. That's the point of forming an alliance. Oh, E-troll loves to get people fighting, loves it. "Everybody trusts me". Famous last words as the blondes put their little blonde heads together...

Tree mail! Oh, it's from Lands End and contains their bathing suits. Shamwow is stoked cause she got her size XXL Champion Sports Bra.

Challenge (and, I'm going out on a limb and thinking water is gonna be involved). Jeff is in Light Blue. Hotter than the cheese inside a hot pocket. It's a swim/battle zone. Cause that whole beat the crap out of each other went over so well last time. But, this time, JEFF OFFERS A STERN WARNING. Two from each team "swim" out and retrieve puzzle crates (ACK!!) but, they have to get through a scrappy opponent. Expect lots of pixilation!! Wanna know what you're playing for? Actually another opportunity for the crew to watch some girl on girl actual (with Asian!!) but we're gonna tell you immunity and either useful stuff or pillows from the Ty Pennington collection at Sears (ding).

Ok, Ben sucks and can't stop anyone. Oh my god. I almost spit my vodka out as John and Dave run out holding hands in THE MOST GAY SWIMSUITS ever on Survivor. Seriously. And, they match!! I was so grossed out that I basically missed the challenge or the point of the crates. But, big surprise, Galout wins immunity!! GoodRussell gets to chose either the really useful stuff or the pillows. He takes the pillows cause he wants to "take care of his ladies". Very Marvin Gaye of him. He also sends Shamwow to F2.

Shamwow is used to visiting people's houses obviously, since she doesn't rush in like a JACKASS and offend everyone. She's just soo darn nice! Jokes with them all about the 90210 crowd doing yoga every morning. F2 is incredulous! Yoga!! Who has time with all of the backstabbing you have to get in during the day! E-troll stands off to the side and seethes hatred. Shamwow gets the clue about the immunity idol and while pretending to teach the blondes skills like, um fire building and cleaning up the yard, she looks all over the tree that used to hold the idol. Fortunately for all the rest of us, she does not look down E-troll's gray underpants for the idol.

Time for some strategerie. Jaison says, if Ben's not gone, I'm done. He won't take the racism anymore. Russell, Liz and Ben all want to get rid of Ashley. Mick isn't sure. E-troll promises Mick that after Ashley, Ben is next. He shares the idol with him to numb him to E-trolls charms. E-troll " This is what God made me for". What, Survivor?? LOL. Mick, E-troll and Jaison discuss. Jaison is adamant.

Tribal Council. Jeff is in a nice spearmint green color. Mmmm mmmm mmmmm. I could lick him like a cone of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

Jaison: Did you like Shamwow? Yes, Jeff, we would like to trade her for Ben who is negative. Bang, right outta the box.
Ben: Who's in trouble tonight? Ashley is weak, even though she works out tons at home on the gym that folds under the bed.
Ashley: Why you? Dunno cause I am sooo not weak or negative
Jaison: Ben, you are a bully. Oh, and you were a fag in the challenge.
E-Troll: What's going on? Ben said racial stuff that upset Jaison.
Jeff: Jaison, how can we heal things? How about a group hug, buddy?
Jaison: There's no million dollars worth sitting here with Ben (I beg to differ...)
Ben: What? I said she was ghetto trash. That's not racial. I purposely did NOT use the N word.
Jaison: So, southern dude, is that how you speak to a lady?
Ben: Yasmean isn't a lady like this white, southern girl sitting next to me.
Jaison: You should have some historical concept of what you are saying. If you don't get it maybe you are just ignorant. Um, he ain't never gonna get that, Jaison.
Ben: You wanna apologize? Nope

Time to vote. Ashley gets one vote. Ben is off to the klan meeting.


Foa Foa
Jaison Kim
Mick Wendy
Russell H Donna
Marisa Ginnie
Elizabeth Leslie
Natalie Carolyn
Ashley Tess

Galu
Brett Pam
Dave Amy
Erik Terri
John Joanne
Kelly Kevin and Matt
Laura Kelly
Monica Stacey
Russell S Lori
Shamwow Jeff and Eileen
Yasmin Elayne

Gone:
Marisa Ginnie
Mike Karen and John
Betsy Becky and Mary
Ben Nancy D