Tonight’s episode is brought to you by MEOW MIX.
So, we start again with Chris in the living room ‘splaining the rules. Why does this bug the shit out of me every week? Anyway, there will be 1 one-on-one, 1 group date and one two-on-one, also known as a ménage a twat, or as my husband excitedly yelled from the kitchen, “woooohooo, a threesome!!”.
But tonight, THERE IS ALSO A BIG CHANGE waiting outside, ladies! OMFG, 2 RV’s roll up. Hi HO hi HO it’s off on a road trip we go. I’d be so done.
The HO’s are assigned to RVs, just so Vienna doesn’t end up all alone. And, they get one hour to pack. Which in HO land, is ridunculous.
Jake, the biker pilot, rides his bike up the coast. UGH, as if I didn’t dislike him enough, we find out he likes to shit in the woods. Also known as camping. The campout is in a vineyard. Hey, is Andrew Firestone around and still looking for a bachelorette? Jake has his tent all set up when he greats the ladies. Vienna grabs his arm and says, “is that our tent?” MEOW. He hands the date card to Gia, and gets the hell out of there.
Gia gets the one-on-one, “Let’s go over the moon and be under the stars”. Gia is a New Yowker, a certified city girl. She wears her casual duds and her stilettos. Ho down tonight in the vineyard! Vienna is drooling thinking of how badly this is gonna go for Gia, “this is completely out of her element. I hope she gets mauled by a bear and left for dead”.
The date is in the vineyard. Gia wants to play hide and seek. Watch out for the Jake shit! How friggin CUTE is that? Once he finds her, they move on to playing hide the salami. “She has a real passion for life”. Holy crap, he carries her around the vineyard with her legs wrapped around his waist. SLUT. Now I understand the purpose of those shoes.
Deep conversations with what appears to be 4 bottles of wine. Jake: in 9th grade I was known as Mr. Dateless. 9th grade?? They play spin the bottle. “Cheeks, lips, all the way”. SLURP. She gets the infamous quick lip peck that quickly moves to the cheek kiss of death. “That was the best kiss of my life”. Uhuh. 4 bottles of wine will do that to you.
They move on to his campsite, where there is MORE WINE. He is going to make a fire, with a shit load of wood in a firepit from Smith and Hawkins. Real rugged. I believe there are firestarter bricks in there. But, it doesn’t matter cause after that much wine she’d spread ‘em for the flick of a bic lighter. Dinner is hot dogs and s’mores.
“How do you picture us working out?” “Well, I prefer to be on the top”. No no no, I mean the future. Oh. “Well, you get rid of that HO Vienna, then we get engaged, I move to bum fuck Texas, we get married after a while, have two kids, and adopt one from China (or take Ella’s kid). Oh, and I want a pot bellied pig.” Wow, Jake never considered a kid from China or a pig! Slurp fest, and she gets a rose.
The Meow Mix starts howling. One of the blondes walks out with the next date card. “Where’d you get that?” “Ummmmmm, it was on the RV windowshield while I was banging the camera guy”. It’s the ménage a twat date!!! And, it goes to Ella and Katherine. Which means the rest of the ho’s are going on the group date.
The next morning, the road trip continues to Pismo Beach for more camping and the group date, “an extremely dirty date”. He and the Ho’s go dune buggying and rolling in the sand. Ali calls Jake’s dune buggy. Vienna “have your fun with him because I am going to marry him”. Jessie and Vienna are in one buggy but Jessie isn’t an aggressive enough driver and their buggy gets stuck. Jake comes to the rescue. Then it’s time for sand surfing. He rolls down the hill with Tenley, and finally gets to cop a feel. They are all lovey dovey when they get up, so I guess she copped one as well.
Picnic time. Fruit and wine. Seriously, this dude is getting on my freaking nerves with these lame ass dates. Is it just so that he never has to dress up? He wants to know who’s up for a roll in the sand, and only Corrie takes him up on it, the rest preferring to continue to drink and bitch at each other.
The day ends at the “Madonna Inn”, which is so famous “celebrities go there”. Yea, by the looks of the interior, they go there to shoot heroin and OD. They all get to shower and dress in this hotel room with, I swear to god, red carpeting on the walls. They go down to dinner in their Ho dresses, and he is not even dressed up. Seriously! I doubt he even showered for the past couple of days. The restaurant is empty (which is a sign of a really good restaurant), there is no wait staff in sight, and there are tons and tons of red leather banquettes.
He takes Ashleigh to this strange teal bedroom, where they lay on the bed and talk. “She is smoking, but I am just not feeling it”. He takes her back and asks Vienna if she wants to go for a walk. “I prefer to go last, thankyouverymuch.” I think she wants to sniff his crotch to see if anyone else got there first.
Ali gets a yellow hotel room. “I have a hard time being affectionate with you in front of everyone”. She wastes her time complaining about the number of roses left this week instead of shutting up and putting out.
Tenley gets the “Madonna” suite. Jake wants to know if she is over her ex husband yet. They talk about him. “Do you feel comfortable with me, Jake?” “Um, I have my head in your lap so I guess yes”. SLURP.
Finally, it’s Vienna’s time. I think he takes her back to the Madonna room. Either that or the lobby. “I want you for myself”. “Vienna, I think you gotta cool it with the biatch thing. You bring it on yourself”. She cuts this line of discussion off.
Finally, they are all back in the restaurant. Jake gives the put out rose to Tenley. Tssssssssss the claws come out. Corrie is frustrated.
Next day, the caravan of Ho’s moves up the coast to Big Sur. More camping. Jake is in a lovely brown plaid flannel shirt. With a puffy vest. He invites Katherine and Ella to his cabin for some grub. Man, the economy sucks for the bachelor! The dinner conversation is all about Family Values, and Ella monopolizes the conversation. He takes her outside (man, is there no plumbing in this cabin either??). It’s all family family family, blah blah blah. “Because you have a kid, if I am not absolutely sure, I don’t want to keep you”. Although I had no trouble using your kid for ratings last week. No kiss. Not good.
Katherine’s time to go out to the woodpile. “I keep getting lost in your eyes”. K: “I have lots of questions” J: “Ask away”. “How long is your penis?” Oh wait, I made that up to kill the boredom. “How come you ignore me?” Yea, how come you ignore her to the point that I was like, who the hell is Katherine? “I’m trying not to get lost in your beauty”. JeSUS. I have a bridge for her if she buys that one.
He leaves the two in his cabin while he goes outside to think. Hahahah, bad move. He comes back and takes Ella outside again. “You are great….BUT….” No h’ose. Bubye. At least she gets to leave in a limo. He goes to Katherine. “You have an honesty about you….BUT…..no h’ose either.” Chris, do we have money for a second limo?? Da’am he is cold. “This is breaking my heart, but in some other strange way, turning me on”.
The meow mix is FREAKING. First the crew comes and gets Ella’s luggage, THEN they come and get Katherine’s. Holy shit.
Jake is all tortured. So he burns the damn rose. Hahahahahah. I friggin love that symbolism.
MMix: Vienna has to go home at the next rose ceremony, and if not, he is getting a real talking to.
The RV’s make their way to the Montalvo Arts Center. The 7 Ho’s stumble out of the vans and into the center to get dressed for the cocktail party. Jake rides up in his suit (finally) and the worlds ugliest tie (God, for a minute I thought it has animals on it), with his leather jacket over it. Nice touch, stud. He walks into the party and announces, “we are all gonna do shots and then you are all gonna get naked”. I wish.
Corrie one on one: “Jake, do I make you nervous? Because I was reading in Teen Beat on the drive here that women should make men nervous. I want us to be like that”. “I will make you a deal, I will pursue you but you have to open up (which is code for put out)”.
Ali: “Jake, I think what you did last night, culling the herd, was honorable”. “I’m falling for you”. SLURP. “I’m scared”. SLURP.
Jessie has really really BAD green eyeshadow. It’s the living in a trailer impact. She basically spends her one on one time bagging on Vienna. Not cool. “Why do y’all dislike her?” “She is self-centered and spoiled. She tells us that her daddy writes her checks for anything she wants”. Cheek kiss. AKA ,the kiss of death.
Vienna: “I’m stressing about what these other Ho’s are saying about me. What will your family and friends think of me if these chicks figured me out so quickly?” Jake, “Don’t worry, I like to form my own opinions.”
Ding ding ding. Thank you Chris for saving us.
Gia and Tenley are safe. Jake yammers and yammers on and on. He gives Ali and Corrie roses.
Dramatic pause, picks up one rose, puts it down. I need a minute…He runs back stage, asks some female production member to find Chris (who is drinking no doubt waiting for his next, “Ladies this is the final rose” line).
Chris, I need some advice
What is it buddy?
Chris, can I send more sluts home?
Well, Jake, we all get paid by the episode.....but if you really want to... we'll take it out of the size of this season’s Harry Winstin engagement ring. "
Well, Chris, I did just have the freakin cheapest camping dates in the history of the show
That is true. And, we did save a mint at that cheap ass, red leather banquette Madonna Inn, so, yea, cut those bitches free. We’ll milk the hell out of it in the promos.
Thanks, Man. Love you.
Chris walks back in with Jake for, truly, THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY since the one dude changed his mind after the final proposal. Chris removes one of the roses. I really really wanted him to walk over and drop it in the fireplace. 2 of you sluts are going home, not just one. Jake mumbles something about, “trying to find my wife”.
There are now 3 ladies in black standing in a row. SHIT. He keeps Vienna, gets rid of Ashleigh and Jessie.
Ali is pissed and is mumbling under her breath about Vienna. We have to tell him what a biatch she is. “If that HO is what he wants, then I am not what he wants”. Yea, you tell him.
Next stop, ladies is San Francisco. Everyone clinks glasses, and no one says a damn thing.
Vienna-Donna
Gia-Karen
Tenley-Cindy R
Corrie-Betty
Ali-Tess
Off to the herpes clinic
Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M
Ella-Lori M
Catherine-Greta
Valecia-Lori K
Crazy Michelle-Irene
Elizabeth-Elayne
Ashley-Sara
Christina-Stephanie
Slutty Spice-Wendy
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Bachelor Week 3: Goodbye Bunny Killer
Uh oh, the claws are coming out! MEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW.
Here's why I love this show. Comments like "It's very hard to live in a house with 15 other women dating your future husband". But, I guess when you've been through eHarmony's database, and Match.com's and even Snatch.com, your options are limited.
Here's another thought to consider while I dig out my notes: the producers MUST have known that Michelle was crazy. Seriously, I am starting to think they intentionally put crazy people on these shows for the pure entertainment factor. More on her later...
But first, the show tonight begins with Chris (in a really old ratty Tshirt and a blazer. Dude, Miami Vice was in the 80's) ONCE AGAIN explaining how the show works. "This week there will be two one-on-one dates and 1 group date. If you go on a one on one and do not get a rose, you get the van ride home. If you do not get a one-on-date, you cannot sleep with production staff. Oh, and as part of our new hire program, meet our new totally homosexual male crew. Good luck getting anything other than decorating ideas, ladies!"
Vienna gets the first one-on-one date, "Let's fall head over heels". Oooh!! It's a heels behind your ears date!! SWEEEEET.
MEEEOOOOOWWWW. Claws are out on this one-on-one.
Jake (aka PILOT) arrives with his motorcycle and Vienna is ready and appropriately dressed sans prom gown. Off on the bike to Jake's house. Apparently she doesn't get to go inside. What's this?? Oh! They still have time left over on last week's helicopter ride! Up they go, and they land on a bridge where bungee cords are set up. So, clearly in addition to a virgin or someone with few dating experiences, Jake is looking for a woman with good bladder control.
The whole jumping thing is ridunculous. V: "I'm soooo scared" J: "me tooo me tooooo". On and freaking on. Why not just skip to the drinks portion of the date?? Jake goes freaking on and on about "overcoming a fear together is great for couples building...blah blah blah...I need to know that I can draw strength from my future wife". So, in order to test that part, he basically fakes a panic attack. LAME. They jump. Then she gets a kiss at the end of the rope hanging upside down. The night continues to dinner but I just can't stomach it anymore. Bottom line, she didn't shit herself so she gets a rose.
Next morning, it's the group date invitation. Man, I hope Jake isn't really designing these dates because they are FREAKING lame. 8 women go with him to the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club. I didn't realize Lovitz was still alive. Michelle is PISSED cause she wanted a one on one. Jon Lovitz comes in announces that the ladies are going to do comedy. Lots of freaking out. Ashleigh is crying, so Jake gives her a joke.
Back at the ranch, Ella gets the next one on one envelope, "Let's lift off to another world". OMG, I think NASA is going to let Jake take the Space Shuttle out. Gia gets no date this week, nor does someone else but I can't remember all their names. The blondes are confusing the hell out of me. Vienna goes on and on about how much she will enjoy her date with Jake, cause Jake is just so wonderful and makes you feel like you are the next Mrs. Jake Pilot. This pisses Gia off. Drama enfolds, everyone is pissed off at Vienna.
Bad comedy back at the club. Jessie, I think, makes a joke about her family being too fat to know if they were greek. That'll work! Tenley for some reason lays down and puts her ankles behind her ears. Now we're talking!! Elizabeth the non-kisser, gets up and tells filthy jokes. Very weird. Michelle gets up and bombs, says, wonder why there are no coconuts on the trees? Cause I have them down my shirt. And, makes some strange golf joke about "Waiting for my hole to get a one-on-one". WOW. Seriously, you can't make this shit up!
Corey gets up and basically rips on everyone, Tenley for being a work out nut, Catherine, and finally she goes bonkers on Vienna. Totally rips her, and Jake doesn't like that.
Ashleigh finally gets up and does blonde jokes. Which, apparently Jake knows a lot of.
Afterwards, they have a "wrap" party. GAY. Tenley gets her one on one time, tells Jake that she was married to the only man she ever slept with, and he left her. Boohooo. Jake gives her a pity kiss.
Ashleigh uses her time to continue to bag on Vienna. Tells Jake that everyone was mad that he gave the ho a rose. She tells him Vienna came home from her date and gabbed all about the intimate details, makes her a controversy. Jake isn't to happy with this litter box scratching. Meanwhile, back at the house, Gia and Vienna are still going at it. Vienna cries herself to sleep, boohoo, everyone hates me. EXCEPT JAKE!!
Ali is all upset that he has ignored her since their date, and she put out, which used to really bug me when I was single. She gets some one on one time, and smooth operator that he is, Jake starts right off apologizing for ignoring her. Ahhhh, KISS. Then she starts bagging on Vienna.
On the couch, everyone's happy that Vienna got bagged on by Corey, they toast but Michelle doesn't join in. "What is your freaking problem, psycho??" Michelle goes on some rant about wanting a husband REALLY BADLY, and also wanting to kiss Jake in a crazy, tongue in your mouth, ripping out handfuls of hair, humping his thigh way. It is really freaky.
She gets her one on one time and man, it is a sight! She is all, I want a husband crazy!! Ladies, this tactic does not work!!! Watch and learn. She asks for a kiss, and gets a kiss, but tells him, "that sucked it, it wasn't enough cause my clothes are still on." She threatens to leave again (she's packed up like 3 times already) and he tells her, that would probably be a good idea.
Jake returns to the couch and tells the ho's, I have a headache, I just kissed a witch, and none of you Vienna baggers are gonna get the rose.
Next morning, Ella's date. It's a makeup date for her missed birthday. The required date helicopter arrives at the house and whisks them off to Sea World. Ok, at this point I was yelling at the TV, "Noooooooo, don't involve the child in this.............. Please!! There should be laws against this............" And, just like that her son runs over clutching that friggin airplane. Here little boy, have an airplane while I molest your mom, who I met 2 weeks ago. UGH. It's a family fun date with Shamu and other cute animals. Hands up, who else was hoping the kid threw up on Jake so he would get the clue about fatherhood?? WHATEVER. He's falling for her kid I think. She gets the rose.
Next night, Cocktail party time. It's the Elizabeth crazy show. Jake calls her (in his head) the Queen of the Mixed Signals. Funny, it used to be called cock tease when I was in school. Do you wanna kiss me? I'm a good kisser. You should want to kiss me. He basically tells her she is confusing, and he is never gonna give the expensive Harry Winston ring that ABC is gonna buy for him to give someone he has never....kissed. It starts getting uncomfortable and Vienna interrupts. AND SHE ALREADY HAS A ROSE. Major faux pas. She cries to Jake, "It's soooo hard here, I'm not a bad person, but these sluts are crazy". She gets a cheek kiss. Hmmmmm. Are his feelings for her changing??
The other girls are all pissed and tell her so. Ali confronts Vienna AGAIN. Elizabeth is crying, telling people that Jake is pressuring HER for a kiss. She goes back to confront Jake. She's pissed. More of the kiss bullshit. You can tell Jake is not into it at all. Fortunately, Chris comes and saves the day.
Roses tonight go to...
Vienna-Donna
Gia-Karen
Tenley-Cindy R
Ella-Lori M
Cory-Betty
Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M
Catherine-Greta
Ali-Tess
Here's why I love this show. Comments like "It's very hard to live in a house with 15 other women dating your future husband". But, I guess when you've been through eHarmony's database, and Match.com's and even Snatch.com, your options are limited.
Here's another thought to consider while I dig out my notes: the producers MUST have known that Michelle was crazy. Seriously, I am starting to think they intentionally put crazy people on these shows for the pure entertainment factor. More on her later...
But first, the show tonight begins with Chris (in a really old ratty Tshirt and a blazer. Dude, Miami Vice was in the 80's) ONCE AGAIN explaining how the show works. "This week there will be two one-on-one dates and 1 group date. If you go on a one on one and do not get a rose, you get the van ride home. If you do not get a one-on-date, you cannot sleep with production staff. Oh, and as part of our new hire program, meet our new totally homosexual male crew. Good luck getting anything other than decorating ideas, ladies!"
Vienna gets the first one-on-one date, "Let's fall head over heels". Oooh!! It's a heels behind your ears date!! SWEEEEET.
MEEEOOOOOWWWW. Claws are out on this one-on-one.
Jake (aka PILOT) arrives with his motorcycle and Vienna is ready and appropriately dressed sans prom gown. Off on the bike to Jake's house. Apparently she doesn't get to go inside. What's this?? Oh! They still have time left over on last week's helicopter ride! Up they go, and they land on a bridge where bungee cords are set up. So, clearly in addition to a virgin or someone with few dating experiences, Jake is looking for a woman with good bladder control.
The whole jumping thing is ridunculous. V: "I'm soooo scared" J: "me tooo me tooooo". On and freaking on. Why not just skip to the drinks portion of the date?? Jake goes freaking on and on about "overcoming a fear together is great for couples building...blah blah blah...I need to know that I can draw strength from my future wife". So, in order to test that part, he basically fakes a panic attack. LAME. They jump. Then she gets a kiss at the end of the rope hanging upside down. The night continues to dinner but I just can't stomach it anymore. Bottom line, she didn't shit herself so she gets a rose.
Next morning, it's the group date invitation. Man, I hope Jake isn't really designing these dates because they are FREAKING lame. 8 women go with him to the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club. I didn't realize Lovitz was still alive. Michelle is PISSED cause she wanted a one on one. Jon Lovitz comes in announces that the ladies are going to do comedy. Lots of freaking out. Ashleigh is crying, so Jake gives her a joke.
Back at the ranch, Ella gets the next one on one envelope, "Let's lift off to another world". OMG, I think NASA is going to let Jake take the Space Shuttle out. Gia gets no date this week, nor does someone else but I can't remember all their names. The blondes are confusing the hell out of me. Vienna goes on and on about how much she will enjoy her date with Jake, cause Jake is just so wonderful and makes you feel like you are the next Mrs. Jake Pilot. This pisses Gia off. Drama enfolds, everyone is pissed off at Vienna.
Bad comedy back at the club. Jessie, I think, makes a joke about her family being too fat to know if they were greek. That'll work! Tenley for some reason lays down and puts her ankles behind her ears. Now we're talking!! Elizabeth the non-kisser, gets up and tells filthy jokes. Very weird. Michelle gets up and bombs, says, wonder why there are no coconuts on the trees? Cause I have them down my shirt. And, makes some strange golf joke about "Waiting for my hole to get a one-on-one". WOW. Seriously, you can't make this shit up!
Corey gets up and basically rips on everyone, Tenley for being a work out nut, Catherine, and finally she goes bonkers on Vienna. Totally rips her, and Jake doesn't like that.
Ashleigh finally gets up and does blonde jokes. Which, apparently Jake knows a lot of.
Afterwards, they have a "wrap" party. GAY. Tenley gets her one on one time, tells Jake that she was married to the only man she ever slept with, and he left her. Boohooo. Jake gives her a pity kiss.
Ashleigh uses her time to continue to bag on Vienna. Tells Jake that everyone was mad that he gave the ho a rose. She tells him Vienna came home from her date and gabbed all about the intimate details, makes her a controversy. Jake isn't to happy with this litter box scratching. Meanwhile, back at the house, Gia and Vienna are still going at it. Vienna cries herself to sleep, boohoo, everyone hates me. EXCEPT JAKE!!
Ali is all upset that he has ignored her since their date, and she put out, which used to really bug me when I was single. She gets some one on one time, and smooth operator that he is, Jake starts right off apologizing for ignoring her. Ahhhh, KISS. Then she starts bagging on Vienna.
On the couch, everyone's happy that Vienna got bagged on by Corey, they toast but Michelle doesn't join in. "What is your freaking problem, psycho??" Michelle goes on some rant about wanting a husband REALLY BADLY, and also wanting to kiss Jake in a crazy, tongue in your mouth, ripping out handfuls of hair, humping his thigh way. It is really freaky.
She gets her one on one time and man, it is a sight! She is all, I want a husband crazy!! Ladies, this tactic does not work!!! Watch and learn. She asks for a kiss, and gets a kiss, but tells him, "that sucked it, it wasn't enough cause my clothes are still on." She threatens to leave again (she's packed up like 3 times already) and he tells her, that would probably be a good idea.
Jake returns to the couch and tells the ho's, I have a headache, I just kissed a witch, and none of you Vienna baggers are gonna get the rose.
Next morning, Ella's date. It's a makeup date for her missed birthday. The required date helicopter arrives at the house and whisks them off to Sea World. Ok, at this point I was yelling at the TV, "Noooooooo, don't involve the child in this.............. Please!! There should be laws against this............" And, just like that her son runs over clutching that friggin airplane. Here little boy, have an airplane while I molest your mom, who I met 2 weeks ago. UGH. It's a family fun date with Shamu and other cute animals. Hands up, who else was hoping the kid threw up on Jake so he would get the clue about fatherhood?? WHATEVER. He's falling for her kid I think. She gets the rose.
Next night, Cocktail party time. It's the Elizabeth crazy show. Jake calls her (in his head) the Queen of the Mixed Signals. Funny, it used to be called cock tease when I was in school. Do you wanna kiss me? I'm a good kisser. You should want to kiss me. He basically tells her she is confusing, and he is never gonna give the expensive Harry Winston ring that ABC is gonna buy for him to give someone he has never....kissed. It starts getting uncomfortable and Vienna interrupts. AND SHE ALREADY HAS A ROSE. Major faux pas. She cries to Jake, "It's soooo hard here, I'm not a bad person, but these sluts are crazy". She gets a cheek kiss. Hmmmmm. Are his feelings for her changing??
The other girls are all pissed and tell her so. Ali confronts Vienna AGAIN. Elizabeth is crying, telling people that Jake is pressuring HER for a kiss. She goes back to confront Jake. She's pissed. More of the kiss bullshit. You can tell Jake is not into it at all. Fortunately, Chris comes and saves the day.
Roses tonight go to...
Vienna-Donna
Gia-Karen
Tenley-Cindy R
Ella-Lori M
Cory-Betty
Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M
Catherine-Greta
Ali-Tess
Off to the herpes clinic
Valecia-Lori K
Crazy Michelle-Irene
Elizabeth-Elayne
Ashley-Sara
Christina-Stephanie
Slutty Spice-Wendy
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Bachelor Week 2: Jake Hears a Ho
Ok, so this episode begins with Chris explaining how the date thing works. Really? Is that necessary since most of these ho's wrote in to be on the show after watching last season. "You'll go on group dates, and individual dates. Take advantage of your time with Jake, aka, put out early and often".
First group date: Roz, Gia, Christina, Ashleigh H, Valecia, Corey. "A picture is worth a thousand words". Everyone screams at every word. Jake arrives with a strange blue shirt unbuttoned too far. Into the limo, more mimosas. They go to the Shangra la hotel in Santa Monica where Jake's totally gay friend arrives to do a photo shoot with the girls. It's America's Next On the Top Model. He's a fashion director for Instyle. Apparently Instyle is the fashion bible. Who knew?
No shirt-drink.
Roz is a model, she usually does bridal magazines. Gia is a swimsuit model. Christina is freaaaaaking out. Roz shows her "full cha cha" in the picture. Niiiiiice. Christina is still freaking out. Seriously, if she says it again I will kill her. Jake comes in to help her out.
Damn this date is not over yet. And, there is still the rose for the women to scrap for. "Wrap Party" by the pool. Jake pulls Gia away. He asks her about her prior relationships. Man, I haven't even asked that of my husband! Ashleigh interrupts in a bikini. Gia is forgotten.
No shirt-drink
Into the pool for some crotch rubbing. Uh oh, Jake, the water is cold...listen to the shrivel. Everyone into the pool! Christina one on one. She is already in lurve. She is also drunk. Roz interrupts. They go up to the roof. "You're obviously a pro.....at photos". She sucks on his face for a while. He thinks she is mysterious. She gets the rose. Christina cries.
Back at the house. Mail. It's a one on one date, with a necklace. Everyone screams again. No name. Crazy Michelle is hyperventilating.
The next morning, doorbell. "Ali, come fly with me". She is wearing a yellow prom dress for some freaking reason. With high heels, on Jake's motorcycle. He's wearing jeans and a Tshirt. They go to the airport, CAUSE JAKE IS A PILOT (ding). Ali hates to fly. Shit, they play the "on the wings of love" music. Seriously, give it it a freaking break. Part two of the date is in Palm Springs and has a convertible, and they drive up to a Polo field for dinner. I'm guessing her spike heels are messing up the field. She has baby teeth, it's freaky. "How many serious relationships have you had?" What is he trying to find out? Virgin status?? She gets the rose. Then Chicago does a private concert for them.
Doorbell, second group date. Eliz, Jessie, Catherine, Ashley, Vienna. "Love has its Ups and Downs". No date for Michelle and Ella. Michelle is pissed. They go to Magic Mountain and get to ride all of the rides. Yawn.
Back at the house, Crazy Michelle is packing up to leave. Because she didn't get a date.
Elizabeth steals him a way. Oh, christ, she wants to read him a note she wrote for him. How 5th grade! "Don't kiss me unless you want to kiss only me for the rest of our lives". Well, that's certainly a different strategy. Apparently Magic Mountain now serves martini's. Might have to reconsider going...
Vienna steals him away. She is kinda ugly. Has a secret to tell him. She was engaged to her pastor's son when she was like 15, she broke it off and he married someone else a month later. She ran off and got married, then divorced 4 months later. Ashley interrupts before she finishes. Ashley is getting a PhD. Riiiiiight. She gives him the kiss me face and he ignores it. It's rose time, and Elizabeth gets it, cause she didn't put out. Everyone else leaves and they have alone time on a park bench. She is a total tease. He kisses her forehead, and fireworks go off. CHEESY. LOL-the girls in the limo have to watch them out the back of the limo.
Coming up, BIG DRAAAAAAMMMMMMAAAAA.
Cocktail party-"Roz isn't worried cause she has a rose, biatch". He steals Ella away because the day before was her birthday. He brings her a cupcake. He asks her about her son, tells her he likes him already cause he wants to be a pilot. She gets a hug. Tenley is up next. She also didn't get a rose. Jesus, another divorced one. Is this an epidemic this season?? He tells her, "it seems you have had a pretty good dating history". How weird is that. But, she forgets to tell him about the divorce.
Crazy Michelle is being crazy. Vienna calls her Debbie Downer, LOL. She uses her one on one to tell him she packed her bags because she didn't get a date. "I'm going to always be honest (and crazy) with you". They get interrupted and she walks away. Whoever called her a bunny killer is so right!
UGH, I can't keep writing about all of these one on one moments. And fortunately, Chris comes in and asks to see Roz. HERE COMES THE DRAMA!!!!!. Chris confronts her about screwing one of the producers. He's fired, and she's gone. She says, "so you don't think there are any other girls that had boyfriends in the past??" Chris, "You met him here and "dated" him here" "I don't think my personal life is anyone's business". Hahahahahah, you're on a show to find a husband, idiot. He gives her the boot, tells her to pack. HAHAHAHAHAH-my favorite line, "There's a van waiting for you". NOOOOO LIMO ON THE WAY OUT, SKANK.
The girls are all wigged out. Security comes in to help her pack. Chris steals Jake away, Chris is kinda cracking up telling Jake.
"Don't tell me Roz is gone"
"She entered into an inappropriate relationship with a staffer. Doing the deed, humping, boffing, playing hide the salami, you getting it??"
"You're kidding me!!"
"Can I get my rose back??" (which is a funny question, really)
"I wanna hear you tell the other ho's."
Jake is upset, thinks he might have been taken for a fool. LOL-does he not get the whole point on why this show is ridiculous?
Slutty Spice is still packing. I wonder if the jig was up when she flashed her crotch, and someone else's name was tattoo'd on it?
Everyone's freaking. Jake and Chris come back in. Chris spills the beans. Tells them that Roz was screwing a member of the staff. I was kinda hoping that someone would say, "it wasn't the tall dude was it? Cause he told me I was the only one he was screwing". The girls are all sad. I would have been like, "YES!!!!" . Jake tells them, "she looked in my eyes and she told me that she was here for me". Sniff sniff. Before we continue, who else is a ho? Hmmm, lots of averted eyes.
Rose Ceremony: Will you accept this rose?
Vienna-Donna
Gia-Karen
Tenley-Cindy R
Ella-Lori M
Valecia-Lori K
Cory-Betty
Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M
Crazy Michelle-Irene
Catherine-Greta
Elizabeth-Elayne
Ali-Tess
No rose
Ashley-Sara
Christina-Stephanie
Slutty Spice-but she did get a nice case of herpes.-Wendy
First group date: Roz, Gia, Christina, Ashleigh H, Valecia, Corey. "A picture is worth a thousand words". Everyone screams at every word. Jake arrives with a strange blue shirt unbuttoned too far. Into the limo, more mimosas. They go to the Shangra la hotel in Santa Monica where Jake's totally gay friend arrives to do a photo shoot with the girls. It's America's Next On the Top Model. He's a fashion director for Instyle. Apparently Instyle is the fashion bible. Who knew?
No shirt-drink.
Roz is a model, she usually does bridal magazines. Gia is a swimsuit model. Christina is freaaaaaking out. Roz shows her "full cha cha" in the picture. Niiiiiice. Christina is still freaking out. Seriously, if she says it again I will kill her. Jake comes in to help her out.
Damn this date is not over yet. And, there is still the rose for the women to scrap for. "Wrap Party" by the pool. Jake pulls Gia away. He asks her about her prior relationships. Man, I haven't even asked that of my husband! Ashleigh interrupts in a bikini. Gia is forgotten.
No shirt-drink
Into the pool for some crotch rubbing. Uh oh, Jake, the water is cold...listen to the shrivel. Everyone into the pool! Christina one on one. She is already in lurve. She is also drunk. Roz interrupts. They go up to the roof. "You're obviously a pro.....at photos". She sucks on his face for a while. He thinks she is mysterious. She gets the rose. Christina cries.
Back at the house. Mail. It's a one on one date, with a necklace. Everyone screams again. No name. Crazy Michelle is hyperventilating.
The next morning, doorbell. "Ali, come fly with me". She is wearing a yellow prom dress for some freaking reason. With high heels, on Jake's motorcycle. He's wearing jeans and a Tshirt. They go to the airport, CAUSE JAKE IS A PILOT (ding). Ali hates to fly. Shit, they play the "on the wings of love" music. Seriously, give it it a freaking break. Part two of the date is in Palm Springs and has a convertible, and they drive up to a Polo field for dinner. I'm guessing her spike heels are messing up the field. She has baby teeth, it's freaky. "How many serious relationships have you had?" What is he trying to find out? Virgin status?? She gets the rose. Then Chicago does a private concert for them.
Doorbell, second group date. Eliz, Jessie, Catherine, Ashley, Vienna. "Love has its Ups and Downs". No date for Michelle and Ella. Michelle is pissed. They go to Magic Mountain and get to ride all of the rides. Yawn.
Back at the house, Crazy Michelle is packing up to leave. Because she didn't get a date.
Elizabeth steals him a way. Oh, christ, she wants to read him a note she wrote for him. How 5th grade! "Don't kiss me unless you want to kiss only me for the rest of our lives". Well, that's certainly a different strategy. Apparently Magic Mountain now serves martini's. Might have to reconsider going...
Vienna steals him away. She is kinda ugly. Has a secret to tell him. She was engaged to her pastor's son when she was like 15, she broke it off and he married someone else a month later. She ran off and got married, then divorced 4 months later. Ashley interrupts before she finishes. Ashley is getting a PhD. Riiiiiight. She gives him the kiss me face and he ignores it. It's rose time, and Elizabeth gets it, cause she didn't put out. Everyone else leaves and they have alone time on a park bench. She is a total tease. He kisses her forehead, and fireworks go off. CHEESY. LOL-the girls in the limo have to watch them out the back of the limo.
Coming up, BIG DRAAAAAAMMMMMMAAAAA.
Cocktail party-"Roz isn't worried cause she has a rose, biatch". He steals Ella away because the day before was her birthday. He brings her a cupcake. He asks her about her son, tells her he likes him already cause he wants to be a pilot. She gets a hug. Tenley is up next. She also didn't get a rose. Jesus, another divorced one. Is this an epidemic this season?? He tells her, "it seems you have had a pretty good dating history". How weird is that. But, she forgets to tell him about the divorce.
Crazy Michelle is being crazy. Vienna calls her Debbie Downer, LOL. She uses her one on one to tell him she packed her bags because she didn't get a date. "I'm going to always be honest (and crazy) with you". They get interrupted and she walks away. Whoever called her a bunny killer is so right!
UGH, I can't keep writing about all of these one on one moments. And fortunately, Chris comes in and asks to see Roz. HERE COMES THE DRAMA!!!!!. Chris confronts her about screwing one of the producers. He's fired, and she's gone. She says, "so you don't think there are any other girls that had boyfriends in the past??" Chris, "You met him here and "dated" him here" "I don't think my personal life is anyone's business". Hahahahahah, you're on a show to find a husband, idiot. He gives her the boot, tells her to pack. HAHAHAHAHAH-my favorite line, "There's a van waiting for you". NOOOOO LIMO ON THE WAY OUT, SKANK.
The girls are all wigged out. Security comes in to help her pack. Chris steals Jake away, Chris is kinda cracking up telling Jake.
"Don't tell me Roz is gone"
"She entered into an inappropriate relationship with a staffer. Doing the deed, humping, boffing, playing hide the salami, you getting it??"
"You're kidding me!!"
"Can I get my rose back??" (which is a funny question, really)
"I wanna hear you tell the other ho's."
Jake is upset, thinks he might have been taken for a fool. LOL-does he not get the whole point on why this show is ridiculous?
Slutty Spice is still packing. I wonder if the jig was up when she flashed her crotch, and someone else's name was tattoo'd on it?
Everyone's freaking. Jake and Chris come back in. Chris spills the beans. Tells them that Roz was screwing a member of the staff. I was kinda hoping that someone would say, "it wasn't the tall dude was it? Cause he told me I was the only one he was screwing". The girls are all sad. I would have been like, "YES!!!!" . Jake tells them, "she looked in my eyes and she told me that she was here for me". Sniff sniff. Before we continue, who else is a ho? Hmmm, lots of averted eyes.
Rose Ceremony: Will you accept this rose?
Vienna-Donna
Gia-Karen
Tenley-Cindy R
Ella-Lori M
Valecia-Lori K
Cory-Betty
Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M
Crazy Michelle-Irene
Catherine-Greta
Elizabeth-Elayne
Ali-Tess
No rose
Ashley-Sara
Christina-Stephanie
Slutty Spice-but she did get a nice case of herpes.-Wendy
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
The Bachelor: On the Wings of Lurve
The newest season of one man, many women not having sex started last night. And, like so many times in the past, this season's Bachelor is a reject.
Bachelor Jake is a pilot. And he flies planes, and, um, he's also a pilot. In fact, pilotpilotpilotpilotpilotpilotpilot. That just about sums up the first 15 minutes of the show. Oh, and he rides motorcycles at sunset apparently, which makes him, really, TOM CRUISE IN TOP FREAKIN GUN. So, forget that he probably really flies the commuter flight between LA and SF 5 times a day, on a filthy dirty germ infested US AIR plane. He's now a FIGHTER PILOT. Top Gun. Sexxxxxyyyyyyy pilot.
He's also clothing impaired, and can't seem to be able to button his shirt or keep it on much. In fact, I am hereby instituting the following drinking game:
1 shot whenever he wears no shirt
2 shots whenever someone says "a connection"
3 shots whenever a truly DRAMATIC event occurs this season.
Seriously, it will help because in addition to being a PILOT, Jake is a really dull person. In fact, he admitted to Chris that he rarely gets a second date. WOW. Something to brag about! He's either terribly boring, smells or has a little date rape problem. In any case, there are 25 ho's from around the country (and Cambodia) dying for a chance at true lurve.
Jake is 31 and is looking "to find love again", although it is not clear he has ever experienced it. He is looking for a 'TRADITIONAL" marriage. So, ladies, if you want to be on top, you are SOL.
But enough about Jake, let's meet the 25 Ho's, or more correctly, the 18 they decided to highlight, the rest not being worth the time apparently.
The Women
Ali: her last boyfriend cheated on her with her roommate. She is going to love living in a house with 15 women hot for her man (+)
Alexa: She's also into motorcycles. She says this in her interview and also wears very weird black gloves to meet Jake. (X)
Tenley: She's a dancer with a horribly annoying voice. She was a virgin when she got married (WHAT??) but "there was infidelity in the marriage (which usually means she's the cheater) so she got out of that starter marriage, had the hymen replacement surgery and is now good to go on TV. (+)
Elizabeth (DC) is a Captain in the DC National Guard. She is what is known I believe as a professional pilot ho. (X)
Rozlyn is a model. Enough said. (+)
Christina is a guys girl (aka a ho you share). She brings candies to the other girls to give out as parting gifts. Meeeooooooowwww (+)
Vienna, like the sausages. She has no job, but she loves herself. She also has bit tits, a little dog that wears matching outfits, and is very spoiled. (+)
Ashley is a teacher. Apparently her mom is a shopaholic who buys her lots of sexy lingerie. (+)
Elizabeth is from Nebraska and is jealous (+)
Ella is a Knoxville hairstylist with really bad hair. She also has a son. Oh, and she is crazy. (+)
Gia. Ok, she said she was a dancer, former pageant girl, a swimsuit model and apparently owns a hair salon. She has only ever had 3 boyfriends. (+)
Kimberly is an NBA dancer (X)
Emily: "fit" model. No freakin idea what that is. (X)
Tiana is 31 years old, which they make a big stinking deal about, but never acknowledge that Jake, the pilot, is also 31. But he's a man so it's OK. (X)
Caitlyn is another pageant chick. (X)
Kirsten, they barely mention (X)
Michelle: she is totally crazy. (+)
The Jake Interview
A little one on one time for Jake and Chris. Chris asks Jake, "you really are risking it all for love" aren't you? What is he risking?? He's already been a tool on the Bachelorette.
Jake:
-wants a wife for the stormy days (I guess you can't be a pilot on the stormy days)
-is a bad first date
-has to think if he fell in love with someone who doesn't fly if he would give up flying for lurve. Stupid. If you marry a woman who doesn't do math, do you freakin stop being an accountant?
The Outside the Mansion Meet and Greet
Ali gives Jake a peacock feather. No idea why.
Tenley is already in love
Kathryn is wearing this strange fairy dress
Alexa is wearing black gloves. Says it's cause she's a Harley rider but I just think she didn't want Jake to see her claws on the first night
Valishia brings some Texas soil
Channy is Cambodian and is wearing this really bad gold dress
Stephanie is apparently wearing the same bad gold dress! She's a dance teacher and wants to give him lessons. "Yea, come find me inside"
Shelia is also an aviator. No freaking clue what that means but her bio says, "commercial pilot". Probably flies for UPS. He wants nothing to do with another pilot. Cause, he is TOP GUN.
Inside Meet and Mingle, and Drink LOTS
Yes, there is a first impression rose. Game on.
Ali gets the first one on one. She lost her voice yelling 'OMG JAKE IS A PILOT" out the window of the limo for the last 10 miles. She doesn't fly.
Jake, what are your top 3 priorities? God, family and friends in that order. Jeez. This dude is gonna get on my nerves. I guess he told god to close his eyes for the next couple of months.
Channy, who is Cambodian, tells him "you can land your plane on my landing strip anytime". Uhuh. Anytime you want to go to Brazil wink wink.
Ella goes to find him. She's kinda crazy. "I have a 7 year old (virgin birth), and when I told him I was going to go on national TV and hoar myself out to find him a new daddy, he made you a plane". "Um, do you want more spawn?" "Oh yea, especially PILOT spawn"
Ashley changes into a stewardess uniform. Oh, my bad, a flight attendant uniform. The other girls do not like that.
Elizabeth makes him play football which brings out all the other women for a little game.
Kathryn has a ring on her left hand. She's a flight attendant and always has to wear a fake engagement ring to keep the men away. Riight. See, I don't even wear my wedding ring and I get nothing.
Stephanie teaches him to dance, Michelle is crazy and is losing it. "Why are all of these other womens flirting with my future husband??" She steals him away and tells him, "I am here to fall in love, have your kids and be your co-pilot". Wait, isn't God his co-pilot??
And, just in case you think NONE OF THESE RELATIONSHIPS EVER WORK, Jillian and Ed come in to interview the women.
Tenley gets the first kiss. She's only been with one man before. Bing, that gets you a first impression rose!
Rose Ceremony
Ella
Elizabeth from Nebraska
Ali
Vienna Sausage
Christina
Gia
Ashley
Roslyn
Jessie (who I have never seen before)
Corrie (also never saw her)
Valeshia
Ashleigh
Kathryn
OMG, Michelle CRAZY girl
The rest of you trollops can get your stuff and get the hell out.
Bachelor Jake is a pilot. And he flies planes, and, um, he's also a pilot. In fact, pilotpilotpilotpilotpilotpilotpilot. That just about sums up the first 15 minutes of the show. Oh, and he rides motorcycles at sunset apparently, which makes him, really, TOM CRUISE IN TOP FREAKIN GUN. So, forget that he probably really flies the commuter flight between LA and SF 5 times a day, on a filthy dirty germ infested US AIR plane. He's now a FIGHTER PILOT. Top Gun. Sexxxxxyyyyyyy pilot.
He's also clothing impaired, and can't seem to be able to button his shirt or keep it on much. In fact, I am hereby instituting the following drinking game:
1 shot whenever he wears no shirt
2 shots whenever someone says "a connection"
3 shots whenever a truly DRAMATIC event occurs this season.
Seriously, it will help because in addition to being a PILOT, Jake is a really dull person. In fact, he admitted to Chris that he rarely gets a second date. WOW. Something to brag about! He's either terribly boring, smells or has a little date rape problem. In any case, there are 25 ho's from around the country (and Cambodia) dying for a chance at true lurve.
Jake is 31 and is looking "to find love again", although it is not clear he has ever experienced it. He is looking for a 'TRADITIONAL" marriage. So, ladies, if you want to be on top, you are SOL.
But enough about Jake, let's meet the 25 Ho's, or more correctly, the 18 they decided to highlight, the rest not being worth the time apparently.
The Women
Ali: her last boyfriend cheated on her with her roommate. She is going to love living in a house with 15 women hot for her man (+)
Alexa: She's also into motorcycles. She says this in her interview and also wears very weird black gloves to meet Jake. (X)
Tenley: She's a dancer with a horribly annoying voice. She was a virgin when she got married (WHAT??) but "there was infidelity in the marriage (which usually means she's the cheater) so she got out of that starter marriage, had the hymen replacement surgery and is now good to go on TV. (+)
Elizabeth (DC) is a Captain in the DC National Guard. She is what is known I believe as a professional pilot ho. (X)
Rozlyn is a model. Enough said. (+)
Christina is a guys girl (aka a ho you share). She brings candies to the other girls to give out as parting gifts. Meeeooooooowwww (+)
Vienna, like the sausages. She has no job, but she loves herself. She also has bit tits, a little dog that wears matching outfits, and is very spoiled. (+)
Ashley is a teacher. Apparently her mom is a shopaholic who buys her lots of sexy lingerie. (+)
Elizabeth is from Nebraska and is jealous (+)
Ella is a Knoxville hairstylist with really bad hair. She also has a son. Oh, and she is crazy. (+)
Gia. Ok, she said she was a dancer, former pageant girl, a swimsuit model and apparently owns a hair salon. She has only ever had 3 boyfriends. (+)
Kimberly is an NBA dancer (X)
Emily: "fit" model. No freakin idea what that is. (X)
Tiana is 31 years old, which they make a big stinking deal about, but never acknowledge that Jake, the pilot, is also 31. But he's a man so it's OK. (X)
Caitlyn is another pageant chick. (X)
Kirsten, they barely mention (X)
Michelle: she is totally crazy. (+)
The Jake Interview
A little one on one time for Jake and Chris. Chris asks Jake, "you really are risking it all for love" aren't you? What is he risking?? He's already been a tool on the Bachelorette.
Jake:
-wants a wife for the stormy days (I guess you can't be a pilot on the stormy days)
-is a bad first date
-has to think if he fell in love with someone who doesn't fly if he would give up flying for lurve. Stupid. If you marry a woman who doesn't do math, do you freakin stop being an accountant?
The Outside the Mansion Meet and Greet
Ali gives Jake a peacock feather. No idea why.
Tenley is already in love
Kathryn is wearing this strange fairy dress
Alexa is wearing black gloves. Says it's cause she's a Harley rider but I just think she didn't want Jake to see her claws on the first night
Valishia brings some Texas soil
Channy is Cambodian and is wearing this really bad gold dress
Stephanie is apparently wearing the same bad gold dress! She's a dance teacher and wants to give him lessons. "Yea, come find me inside"
Shelia is also an aviator. No freaking clue what that means but her bio says, "commercial pilot". Probably flies for UPS. He wants nothing to do with another pilot. Cause, he is TOP GUN.
Inside Meet and Mingle, and Drink LOTS
Yes, there is a first impression rose. Game on.
Ali gets the first one on one. She lost her voice yelling 'OMG JAKE IS A PILOT" out the window of the limo for the last 10 miles. She doesn't fly.
Jake, what are your top 3 priorities? God, family and friends in that order. Jeez. This dude is gonna get on my nerves. I guess he told god to close his eyes for the next couple of months.
Channy, who is Cambodian, tells him "you can land your plane on my landing strip anytime". Uhuh. Anytime you want to go to Brazil wink wink.
Ella goes to find him. She's kinda crazy. "I have a 7 year old (virgin birth), and when I told him I was going to go on national TV and hoar myself out to find him a new daddy, he made you a plane". "Um, do you want more spawn?" "Oh yea, especially PILOT spawn"
Ashley changes into a stewardess uniform. Oh, my bad, a flight attendant uniform. The other girls do not like that.
Elizabeth makes him play football which brings out all the other women for a little game.
Kathryn has a ring on her left hand. She's a flight attendant and always has to wear a fake engagement ring to keep the men away. Riight. See, I don't even wear my wedding ring and I get nothing.
Stephanie teaches him to dance, Michelle is crazy and is losing it. "Why are all of these other womens flirting with my future husband??" She steals him away and tells him, "I am here to fall in love, have your kids and be your co-pilot". Wait, isn't God his co-pilot??
And, just in case you think NONE OF THESE RELATIONSHIPS EVER WORK, Jillian and Ed come in to interview the women.
Tenley gets the first kiss. She's only been with one man before. Bing, that gets you a first impression rose!
Rose Ceremony
Ella
Elizabeth from Nebraska
Ali
Vienna Sausage
Christina
Gia
Ashley
Roslyn
Jessie (who I have never seen before)
Corrie (also never saw her)
Valeshia
Ashleigh
Kathryn
OMG, Michelle CRAZY girl
The rest of you trollops can get your stuff and get the hell out.
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