Bachelor Update: hi HO hi HO, it's up the road we go!

Tonight’s episode is brought to you by MEOW MIX.


So, we start again with Chris in the living room ‘splaining the rules. Why does this bug the shit out of me every week? Anyway, there will be 1 one-on-one, 1 group date and one two-on-one, also known as a ménage a twat, or as my husband excitedly yelled from the kitchen, “woooohooo, a threesome!!”.


But tonight, THERE IS ALSO A BIG CHANGE waiting outside, ladies! OMFG, 2 RV’s roll up. Hi HO hi HO it’s off on a road trip we go. I’d be so done.


The HO’s are assigned to RVs, just so Vienna doesn’t end up all alone. And, they get one hour to pack. Which in HO land, is ridunculous.


Jake, the biker pilot, rides his bike up the coast. UGH, as if I didn’t dislike him enough, we find out he likes to shit in the woods. Also known as camping. The campout is in a vineyard. Hey, is Andrew Firestone around and still looking for a bachelorette? Jake has his tent all set up when he greats the ladies. Vienna grabs his arm and says, “is that our tent?” MEOW. He hands the date card to Gia, and gets the hell out of there.


Gia gets the one-on-one, “Let’s go over the moon and be under the stars”. Gia is a New Yowker, a certified city girl. She wears her casual duds and her stilettos. Ho down tonight in the vineyard! Vienna is drooling thinking of how badly this is gonna go for Gia, “this is completely out of her element. I hope she gets mauled by a bear and left for dead”.


The date is in the vineyard. Gia wants to play hide and seek. Watch out for the Jake shit! How friggin CUTE is that? Once he finds her, they move on to playing hide the salami. “She has a real passion for life”. Holy crap, he carries her around the vineyard with her legs wrapped around his waist. SLUT. Now I understand the purpose of those shoes.


Deep conversations with what appears to be 4 bottles of wine. Jake: in 9th grade I was known as Mr. Dateless. 9th grade?? They play spin the bottle. “Cheeks, lips, all the way”. SLURP. She gets the infamous quick lip peck that quickly moves to the cheek kiss of death. “That was the best kiss of my life”. Uhuh. 4 bottles of wine will do that to you.


They move on to his campsite, where there is MORE WINE. He is going to make a fire, with a shit load of wood in a firepit from Smith and Hawkins. Real rugged. I believe there are firestarter bricks in there. But, it doesn’t matter cause after that much wine she’d spread ‘em for the flick of a bic lighter. Dinner is hot dogs and s’mores.


“How do you picture us working out?” “Well, I prefer to be on the top”. No no no, I mean the future. Oh. “Well, you get rid of that HO Vienna, then we get engaged, I move to bum fuck Texas, we get married after a while, have two kids, and adopt one from China (or take Ella’s kid). Oh, and I want a pot bellied pig.” Wow, Jake never considered a kid from China or a pig! Slurp fest, and she gets a rose.

The Meow Mix starts howling. One of the blondes walks out with the next date card. “Where’d you get that?” “Ummmmmm, it was on the RV windowshield while I was banging the camera guy”. It’s the ménage a twat date!!! And, it goes to Ella and Katherine. Which means the rest of the ho’s are going on the group date.


The next morning, the road trip continues to Pismo Beach for more camping and the group date, “an extremely dirty date”. He and the Ho’s go dune buggying and rolling in the sand. Ali calls Jake’s dune buggy. Vienna “have your fun with him because I am going to marry him”. Jessie and Vienna are in one buggy but Jessie isn’t an aggressive enough driver and their buggy gets stuck. Jake comes to the rescue. Then it’s time for sand surfing. He rolls down the hill with Tenley, and finally gets to cop a feel. They are all lovey dovey when they get up, so I guess she copped one as well.


Picnic time. Fruit and wine. Seriously, this dude is getting on my freaking nerves with these lame ass dates. Is it just so that he never has to dress up? He wants to know who’s up for a roll in the sand, and only Corrie takes him up on it, the rest preferring to continue to drink and bitch at each other.


The day ends at the “Madonna Inn”, which is so famous “celebrities go there”. Yea, by the looks of the interior, they go there to shoot heroin and OD. They all get to shower and dress in this hotel room with, I swear to god, red carpeting on the walls. They go down to dinner in their Ho dresses, and he is not even dressed up. Seriously! I doubt he even showered for the past couple of days. The restaurant is empty (which is a sign of a really good restaurant), there is no wait staff in sight, and there are tons and tons of red leather banquettes.




He takes Ashleigh to this strange teal bedroom, where they lay on the bed and talk. “She is smoking, but I am just not feeling it”. He takes her back and asks Vienna if she wants to go for a walk. “I prefer to go last, thankyouverymuch.” I think she wants to sniff his crotch to see if anyone else got there first.


Ali gets a yellow hotel room. “I have a hard time being affectionate with you in front of everyone”. She wastes her time complaining about the number of roses left this week instead of shutting up and putting out.


Tenley gets the “Madonna” suite. Jake wants to know if she is over her ex husband yet. They talk about him. “Do you feel comfortable with me, Jake?” “Um, I have my head in your lap so I guess yes”. SLURP.


Finally, it’s Vienna’s time. I think he takes her back to the Madonna room. Either that or the lobby. “I want you for myself”. “Vienna, I think you gotta cool it with the biatch thing. You bring it on yourself”. She cuts this line of discussion off.


Finally, they are all back in the restaurant. Jake gives the put out rose to Tenley. Tssssssssss the claws come out. Corrie is frustrated.


Next day, the caravan of Ho’s moves up the coast to Big Sur. More camping. Jake is in a lovely brown plaid flannel shirt. With a puffy vest. He invites Katherine and Ella to his cabin for some grub. Man, the economy sucks for the bachelor! The dinner conversation is all about Family Values, and Ella monopolizes the conversation. He takes her outside (man, is there no plumbing in this cabin either??). It’s all family family family, blah blah blah. “Because you have a kid, if I am not absolutely sure, I don’t want to keep you”. Although I had no trouble using your kid for ratings last week. No kiss. Not good.


Katherine’s time to go out to the woodpile. “I keep getting lost in your eyes”. K: “I have lots of questions” J: “Ask away”. “How long is your penis?” Oh wait, I made that up to kill the boredom. “How come you ignore me?” Yea, how come you ignore her to the point that I was like, who the hell is Katherine? “I’m trying not to get lost in your beauty”. JeSUS. I have a bridge for her if she buys that one.


He leaves the two in his cabin while he goes outside to think. Hahahah, bad move. He comes back and takes Ella outside again. “You are great….BUT….” No h’ose. Bubye. At least she gets to leave in a limo. He goes to Katherine. “You have an honesty about you….BUT…..no h’ose either.” Chris, do we have money for a second limo?? Da’am he is cold. “This is breaking my heart, but in some other strange way, turning me on”.


The meow mix is FREAKING. First the crew comes and gets Ella’s luggage, THEN they come and get Katherine’s. Holy shit.


Jake is all tortured. So he burns the damn rose. Hahahahahah. I friggin love that symbolism.
MMix: Vienna has to go home at the next rose ceremony, and if not, he is getting a real talking to.

The RV’s make their way to the Montalvo Arts Center. The 7 Ho’s stumble out of the vans and into the center to get dressed for the cocktail party. Jake rides up in his suit (finally) and the worlds ugliest tie (God, for a minute I thought it has animals on it), with his leather jacket over it. Nice touch, stud. He walks into the party and announces, “we are all gonna do shots and then you are all gonna get naked”. I wish.


Corrie one on one: “Jake, do I make you nervous? Because I was reading in Teen Beat on the drive here that women should make men nervous. I want us to be like that”. “I will make you a deal, I will pursue you but you have to open up (which is code for put out)”.


Ali: “Jake, I think what you did last night, culling the herd, was honorable”. “I’m falling for you”. SLURP. “I’m scared”. SLURP.


Jessie has really really BAD green eyeshadow. It’s the living in a trailer impact. She basically spends her one on one time bagging on Vienna. Not cool. “Why do y’all dislike her?” “She is self-centered and spoiled. She tells us that her daddy writes her checks for anything she wants”. Cheek kiss. AKA ,the kiss of death.


Vienna: “I’m stressing about what these other Ho’s are saying about me. What will your family and friends think of me if these chicks figured me out so quickly?” Jake, “Don’t worry, I like to form my own opinions.”


Ding ding ding. Thank you Chris for saving us.


Gia and Tenley are safe. Jake yammers and yammers on and on. He gives Ali and Corrie roses.
Dramatic pause, picks up one rose, puts it down. I need a minute…He runs back stage, asks some female production member to find Chris (who is drinking no doubt waiting for his next, “Ladies this is the final rose” line).


Chris, I need some advice
What is it buddy?
Chris, can I send more sluts home?
Well, Jake, we all get paid by the episode.....but if you really want to... we'll take it out of the size of this season’s Harry Winstin engagement ring. "
Well, Chris, I did just have the freakin cheapest camping dates in the history of the show
That is true. And, we did save a mint at that cheap ass, red leather banquette Madonna Inn, so, yea, cut those bitches free. We’ll milk the hell out of it in the promos.
Thanks, Man. Love you.

Chris walks back in with Jake for, truly, THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY since the one dude changed his mind after the final proposal. Chris removes one of the roses. I really really wanted him to walk over and drop it in the fireplace. 2 of you sluts are going home, not just one. Jake mumbles something about, “trying to find my wife”.


There are now 3 ladies in black standing in a row. SHIT. He keeps Vienna, gets rid of Ashleigh and Jessie.


Ali is pissed and is mumbling under her breath about Vienna. We have to tell him what a biatch she is. “If that HO is what he wants, then I am not what he wants”. Yea, you tell him.


Next stop, ladies is San Francisco. Everyone clinks glasses, and no one says a damn thing.



Vienna-Donna

Gia-Karen

Tenley-Cindy R

Corrie-Betty

Ali-Tess


Off to the herpes clinic

Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M

Ella-Lori M

Catherine-Greta

Valecia-Lori K

Crazy Michelle-Irene

Elizabeth-Elayne

Ashley-Sara

Christina-Stephanie

Slutty Spice-Wendy