Here's why I love this show. Comments like "It's very hard to live in a house with 15 other women dating your future husband". But, I guess when you've been through eHarmony's database, and Match.com's and even Snatch.com, your options are limited.
Here's another thought to consider while I dig out my notes: the producers MUST have known that Michelle was crazy. Seriously, I am starting to think they intentionally put crazy people on these shows for the pure entertainment factor. More on her later...
But first, the show tonight begins with Chris (in a really old ratty Tshirt and a blazer. Dude, Miami Vice was in the 80's) ONCE AGAIN explaining how the show works. "This week there will be two one-on-one dates and 1 group date. If you go on a one on one and do not get a rose, you get the van ride home. If you do not get a one-on-date, you cannot sleep with production staff. Oh, and as part of our new hire program, meet our new totally homosexual male crew. Good luck getting anything other than decorating ideas, ladies!"
Vienna gets the first one-on-one date, "Let's fall head over heels". Oooh!! It's a heels behind your ears date!! SWEEEEET.
MEEEOOOOOWWWW. Claws are out on this one-on-one.
Jake (aka PILOT) arrives with his motorcycle and Vienna is ready and appropriately dressed sans prom gown. Off on the bike to Jake's house. Apparently she doesn't get to go inside. What's this?? Oh! They still have time left over on last week's helicopter ride! Up they go, and they land on a bridge where bungee cords are set up. So, clearly in addition to a virgin or someone with few dating experiences, Jake is looking for a woman with good bladder control.
The whole jumping thing is ridunculous. V: "I'm soooo scared" J: "me tooo me tooooo". On and freaking on. Why not just skip to the drinks portion of the date?? Jake goes freaking on and on about "overcoming a fear together is great for couples building...blah blah blah...I need to know that I can draw strength from my future wife". So, in order to test that part, he basically fakes a panic attack. LAME. They jump. Then she gets a kiss at the end of the rope hanging upside down. The night continues to dinner but I just can't stomach it anymore. Bottom line, she didn't shit herself so she gets a rose.
Next morning, it's the group date invitation. Man, I hope Jake isn't really designing these dates because they are FREAKING lame. 8 women go with him to the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club. I didn't realize Lovitz was still alive. Michelle is PISSED cause she wanted a one on one. Jon Lovitz comes in announces that the ladies are going to do comedy. Lots of freaking out. Ashleigh is crying, so Jake gives her a joke.
Back at the ranch, Ella gets the next one on one envelope, "Let's lift off to another world". OMG, I think NASA is going to let Jake take the Space Shuttle out. Gia gets no date this week, nor does someone else but I can't remember all their names. The blondes are confusing the hell out of me. Vienna goes on and on about how much she will enjoy her date with Jake, cause Jake is just so wonderful and makes you feel like you are the next Mrs. Jake Pilot. This pisses Gia off. Drama enfolds, everyone is pissed off at Vienna.
Bad comedy back at the club. Jessie, I think, makes a joke about her family being too fat to know if they were greek. That'll work! Tenley for some reason lays down and puts her ankles behind her ears. Now we're talking!! Elizabeth the non-kisser, gets up and tells filthy jokes. Very weird. Michelle gets up and bombs, says, wonder why there are no coconuts on the trees? Cause I have them down my shirt. And, makes some strange golf joke about "Waiting for my hole to get a one-on-one". WOW. Seriously, you can't make this shit up!
Corey gets up and basically rips on everyone, Tenley for being a work out nut, Catherine, and finally she goes bonkers on Vienna. Totally rips her, and Jake doesn't like that.
Ashleigh finally gets up and does blonde jokes. Which, apparently Jake knows a lot of.
Afterwards, they have a "wrap" party. GAY. Tenley gets her one on one time, tells Jake that she was married to the only man she ever slept with, and he left her. Boohooo. Jake gives her a pity kiss.
Ashleigh uses her time to continue to bag on Vienna. Tells Jake that everyone was mad that he gave the ho a rose. She tells him Vienna came home from her date and gabbed all about the intimate details, makes her a controversy. Jake isn't to happy with this litter box scratching. Meanwhile, back at the house, Gia and Vienna are still going at it. Vienna cries herself to sleep, boohoo, everyone hates me. EXCEPT JAKE!!
Ali is all upset that he has ignored her since their date, and she put out, which used to really bug me when I was single. She gets some one on one time, and smooth operator that he is, Jake starts right off apologizing for ignoring her. Ahhhh, KISS. Then she starts bagging on Vienna.
On the couch, everyone's happy that Vienna got bagged on by Corey, they toast but Michelle doesn't join in. "What is your freaking problem, psycho??" Michelle goes on some rant about wanting a husband REALLY BADLY, and also wanting to kiss Jake in a crazy, tongue in your mouth, ripping out handfuls of hair, humping his thigh way. It is really freaky.
She gets her one on one time and man, it is a sight! She is all, I want a husband crazy!! Ladies, this tactic does not work!!! Watch and learn. She asks for a kiss, and gets a kiss, but tells him, "that sucked it, it wasn't enough cause my clothes are still on." She threatens to leave again (she's packed up like 3 times already) and he tells her, that would probably be a good idea.
Jake returns to the couch and tells the ho's, I have a headache, I just kissed a witch, and none of you Vienna baggers are gonna get the rose.
Next morning, Ella's date. It's a makeup date for her missed birthday. The required date helicopter arrives at the house and whisks them off to Sea World. Ok, at this point I was yelling at the TV, "Noooooooo, don't involve the child in this.............. Please!! There should be laws against this............" And, just like that her son runs over clutching that friggin airplane. Here little boy, have an airplane while I molest your mom, who I met 2 weeks ago. UGH. It's a family fun date with Shamu and other cute animals. Hands up, who else was hoping the kid threw up on Jake so he would get the clue about fatherhood?? WHATEVER. He's falling for her kid I think. She gets the rose.
Next night, Cocktail party time. It's the Elizabeth crazy show. Jake calls her (in his head) the Queen of the Mixed Signals. Funny, it used to be called cock tease when I was in school. Do you wanna kiss me? I'm a good kisser. You should want to kiss me. He basically tells her she is confusing, and he is never gonna give the expensive Harry Winston ring that ABC is gonna buy for him to give someone he has never....kissed. It starts getting uncomfortable and Vienna interrupts. AND SHE ALREADY HAS A ROSE. Major faux pas. She cries to Jake, "It's soooo hard here, I'm not a bad person, but these sluts are crazy". She gets a cheek kiss. Hmmmmm. Are his feelings for her changing??
The other girls are all pissed and tell her so. Ali confronts Vienna AGAIN. Elizabeth is crying, telling people that Jake is pressuring HER for a kiss. She goes back to confront Jake. She's pissed. More of the kiss bullshit. You can tell Jake is not into it at all. Fortunately, Chris comes and saves the day.
Roses tonight go to...
Vienna-Donna
Gia-Karen
Tenley-Cindy R
Ella-Lori M
Cory-Betty
Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M
Catherine-Greta
Ali-Tess
Off to the herpes clinic
Valecia-Lori K
Crazy Michelle-Irene
Elizabeth-Elayne
Ashley-Sara
Christina-Stephanie
Slutty Spice-Wendy
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