The Bachelor: On the Wings of Lurve

The newest season of one man, many women not having sex started last night. And, like so many times in the past, this season's Bachelor is a reject.

Bachelor Jake is a pilot. And he flies planes, and, um, he's also a pilot. In fact, pilotpilotpilotpilotpilotpilotpilot. That just about sums up the first 15 minutes of the show. Oh, and he rides motorcycles at sunset apparently, which makes him, really, TOM CRUISE IN TOP FREAKIN GUN. So, forget that he probably really flies the commuter flight between LA and SF 5 times a day, on a filthy dirty germ infested US AIR plane. He's now a FIGHTER PILOT. Top Gun. Sexxxxxyyyyyyy pilot.

He's also clothing impaired, and can't seem to be able to button his shirt or keep it on much. In fact, I am hereby instituting the following drinking game:

1 shot whenever he wears no shirt
2 shots whenever someone says "a connection"
3 shots whenever a truly DRAMATIC event occurs this season.

Seriously, it will help because in addition to being a PILOT, Jake is a really dull person. In fact, he admitted to Chris that he rarely gets a second date. WOW. Something to brag about! He's either terribly boring, smells or has a little date rape problem. In any case, there are 25 ho's from around the country (and Cambodia) dying for a chance at true lurve.

Jake is 31 and is looking "to find love again", although it is not clear he has ever experienced it. He is looking for a 'TRADITIONAL" marriage. So, ladies, if you want to be on top, you are SOL.

But enough about Jake, let's meet the 25 Ho's, or more correctly, the 18 they decided to highlight, the rest not being worth the time apparently.

The Women
Ali: her last boyfriend cheated on her with her roommate. She is going to love living in a house with 15 women hot for her man (+)
Alexa: She's also into motorcycles. She says this in her interview and also wears very weird black gloves to meet Jake. (X)
Tenley: She's a dancer with a horribly annoying voice. She was a virgin when she got married (WHAT??) but "there was infidelity in the marriage (which usually means she's the cheater) so she got out of that starter marriage, had the hymen replacement surgery and is now good to go on TV. (+)
Elizabeth (DC) is a Captain in the DC National Guard. She is what is known I believe as a professional pilot ho. (X)
Rozlyn is a model. Enough said. (+)
Christina is a guys girl (aka a ho you share). She brings candies to the other girls to give out as parting gifts. Meeeooooooowwww (+)
Vienna, like the sausages. She has no job, but she loves herself. She also has bit tits, a little dog that wears matching outfits, and is very spoiled. (+)
Ashley is a teacher. Apparently her mom is a shopaholic who buys her lots of sexy lingerie. (+)
Elizabeth is from Nebraska and is jealous (+)
Ella is a Knoxville hairstylist with really bad hair. She also has a son. Oh, and she is crazy. (+)
Gia. Ok, she said she was a dancer, former pageant girl, a swimsuit model and apparently owns a hair salon. She has only ever had 3 boyfriends. (+)
Kimberly is an NBA dancer (X)
Emily: "fit" model. No freakin idea what that is. (X)
Tiana is 31 years old, which they make a big stinking deal about, but never acknowledge that Jake, the pilot, is also 31. But he's a man so it's OK. (X)
Caitlyn is another pageant chick. (X)
Kirsten, they barely mention (X)
Michelle: she is totally crazy. (+)

The Jake Interview
A little one on one time for Jake and Chris. Chris asks Jake, "you really are risking it all for love" aren't you? What is he risking?? He's already been a tool on the Bachelorette.
Jake:
-wants a wife for the stormy days (I guess you can't be a pilot on the stormy days)
-is a bad first date
-has to think if he fell in love with someone who doesn't fly if he would give up flying for lurve. Stupid. If you marry a woman who doesn't do math, do you freakin stop being an accountant?

The Outside the Mansion Meet and Greet
Ali gives Jake a peacock feather. No idea why.
Tenley is already in love
Kathryn is wearing this strange fairy dress
Alexa is wearing black gloves. Says it's cause she's a Harley rider but I just think she didn't want Jake to see her claws on the first night
Valishia brings some Texas soil
Channy is Cambodian and is wearing this really bad gold dress
Stephanie is apparently wearing the same bad gold dress! She's a dance teacher and wants to give him lessons. "Yea, come find me inside"
Shelia is also an aviator. No freaking clue what that means but her bio says, "commercial pilot". Probably flies for UPS. He wants nothing to do with another pilot. Cause, he is TOP GUN.

Inside Meet and Mingle, and Drink LOTS
Yes, there is a first impression rose. Game on.

Ali gets the first one on one. She lost her voice yelling 'OMG JAKE IS A PILOT" out the window of the limo for the last 10 miles. She doesn't fly.

Jake, what are your top 3 priorities? God, family and friends in that order. Jeez. This dude is gonna get on my nerves. I guess he told god to close his eyes for the next couple of months.

Channy, who is Cambodian, tells him "you can land your plane on my landing strip anytime". Uhuh. Anytime you want to go to Brazil wink wink.

Ella goes to find him. She's kinda crazy. "I have a 7 year old (virgin birth), and when I told him I was going to go on national TV and hoar myself out to find him a new daddy, he made you a plane". "Um, do you want more spawn?" "Oh yea, especially PILOT spawn"

Ashley changes into a stewardess uniform. Oh, my bad, a flight attendant uniform. The other girls do not like that.

Elizabeth makes him play football which brings out all the other women for a little game.

Kathryn has a ring on her left hand. She's a flight attendant and always has to wear a fake engagement ring to keep the men away. Riight. See, I don't even wear my wedding ring and I get nothing.

Stephanie teaches him to dance, Michelle is crazy and is losing it. "Why are all of these other womens flirting with my future husband??" She steals him away and tells him, "I am here to fall in love, have your kids and be your co-pilot". Wait, isn't God his co-pilot??

And, just in case you think NONE OF THESE RELATIONSHIPS EVER WORK, Jillian and Ed come in to interview the women.

Tenley gets the first kiss. She's only been with one man before. Bing, that gets you a first impression rose!

Rose Ceremony
Ella
Elizabeth from Nebraska
Ali
Vienna Sausage
Christina
Gia
Ashley
Roslyn
Jessie (who I have never seen before)
Corrie (also never saw her)
Valeshia
Ashleigh
Kathryn
OMG, Michelle CRAZY girl

The rest of you trollops can get your stuff and get the hell out.