Bachelor Week 2: Jake Hears a Ho

Ok, so this episode begins with Chris explaining how the date thing works. Really? Is that necessary since most of these ho's wrote in to be on the show after watching last season. "You'll go on group dates, and individual dates. Take advantage of your time with Jake, aka, put out early and often".


First group date: Roz, Gia, Christina, Ashleigh H, Valecia, Corey. "A picture is worth a thousand words". Everyone screams at every word. Jake arrives with a strange blue shirt unbuttoned too far. Into the limo, more mimosas. They go to the Shangra la hotel in Santa Monica where Jake's totally gay friend arrives to do a photo shoot with the girls. It's America's Next On the Top Model. He's a fashion director for Instyle. Apparently Instyle is the fashion bible. Who knew?


No shirt-drink.


Roz is a model, she usually does bridal magazines. Gia is a swimsuit model. Christina is freaaaaaking out. Roz shows her "full cha cha" in the picture. Niiiiiice. Christina is still freaking out. Seriously, if she says it again I will kill her. Jake comes in to help her out.


Damn this date is not over yet. And, there is still the rose for the women to scrap for. "Wrap Party" by the pool. Jake pulls Gia away. He asks her about her prior relationships. Man, I haven't even asked that of my husband! Ashleigh interrupts in a bikini. Gia is forgotten.


No shirt-drink


Into the pool for some crotch rubbing. Uh oh, Jake, the water is cold...listen to the shrivel. Everyone into the pool! Christina one on one. She is already in lurve. She is also drunk. Roz interrupts. They go up to the roof. "You're obviously a pro.....at photos". She sucks on his face for a while. He thinks she is mysterious. She gets the rose. Christina cries.


Back at the house. Mail. It's a one on one date, with a necklace. Everyone screams again. No name. Crazy Michelle is hyperventilating.


The next morning, doorbell. "Ali, come fly with me". She is wearing a yellow prom dress for some freaking reason. With high heels, on Jake's motorcycle. He's wearing jeans and a Tshirt. They go to the airport, CAUSE JAKE IS A PILOT (ding). Ali hates to fly. Shit, they play the "on the wings of love" music. Seriously, give it it a freaking break. Part two of the date is in Palm Springs and has a convertible, and they drive up to a Polo field for dinner. I'm guessing her spike heels are messing up the field. She has baby teeth, it's freaky. "How many serious relationships have you had?" What is he trying to find out? Virgin status?? She gets the rose. Then Chicago does a private concert for them.


Doorbell, second group date. Eliz, Jessie, Catherine, Ashley, Vienna. "Love has its Ups and Downs". No date for Michelle and Ella. Michelle is pissed. They go to Magic Mountain and get to ride all of the rides. Yawn.


Back at the house, Crazy Michelle is packing up to leave. Because she didn't get a date.


Elizabeth steals him a way. Oh, christ, she wants to read him a note she wrote for him. How 5th grade! "Don't kiss me unless you want to kiss only me for the rest of our lives". Well, that's certainly a different strategy. Apparently Magic Mountain now serves martini's. Might have to reconsider going...

Vienna steals him away. She is kinda ugly. Has a secret to tell him. She was engaged to her pastor's son when she was like 15, she broke it off and he married someone else a month later. She ran off and got married, then divorced 4 months later. Ashley interrupts before she finishes. Ashley is getting a PhD. Riiiiiight. She gives him the kiss me face and he ignores it. It's rose time, and Elizabeth gets it, cause she didn't put out. Everyone else leaves and they have alone time on a park bench. She is a total tease. He kisses her forehead, and fireworks go off. CHEESY. LOL-the girls in the limo have to watch them out the back of the limo.

Coming up, BIG DRAAAAAAMMMMMMAAAAA.

Cocktail party-"Roz isn't worried cause she has a rose, biatch". He steals Ella away because the day before was her birthday. He brings her a cupcake. He asks her about her son, tells her he likes him already cause he wants to be a pilot. She gets a hug. Tenley is up next. She also didn't get a rose. Jesus, another divorced one. Is this an epidemic this season?? He tells her, "it seems you have had a pretty good dating history". How weird is that. But, she forgets to tell him about the divorce.

Crazy Michelle is being crazy. Vienna calls her Debbie Downer, LOL. She uses her one on one to tell him she packed her bags because she didn't get a date. "I'm going to always be honest (and crazy) with you". They get interrupted and she walks away. Whoever called her a bunny killer is so right!

UGH, I can't keep writing about all of these one on one moments. And fortunately, Chris comes in and asks to see Roz. HERE COMES THE DRAMA!!!!!. Chris confronts her about screwing one of the producers. He's fired, and she's gone. She says, "so you don't think there are any other girls that had boyfriends in the past??" Chris, "You met him here and "dated" him here" "I don't think my personal life is anyone's business". Hahahahahah, you're on a show to find a husband, idiot. He gives her the boot, tells her to pack. HAHAHAHAHAH-my favorite line, "There's a van waiting for you". NOOOOO LIMO ON THE WAY OUT, SKANK.

The girls are all wigged out. Security comes in to help her pack. Chris steals Jake away, Chris is kinda cracking up telling Jake.

"Don't tell me Roz is gone"
"She entered into an inappropriate relationship with a staffer. Doing the deed, humping, boffing, playing hide the salami, you getting it??"
"You're kidding me!!"
"Can I get my rose back??" (which is a funny question, really)
"I wanna hear you tell the other ho's."

Jake is upset, thinks he might have been taken for a fool. LOL-does he not get the whole point on why this show is ridiculous?

Slutty Spice is still packing. I wonder if the jig was up when she flashed her crotch, and someone else's name was tattoo'd on it?

Everyone's freaking. Jake and Chris come back in. Chris spills the beans. Tells them that Roz was screwing a member of the staff. I was kinda hoping that someone would say, "it wasn't the tall dude was it? Cause he told me I was the only one he was screwing". The girls are all sad. I would have been like, "YES!!!!" . Jake tells them, "she looked in my eyes and she told me that she was here for me". Sniff sniff. Before we continue, who else is a ho? Hmmm, lots of averted eyes.

Rose Ceremony: Will you accept this rose?
Vienna-Donna
Gia-Karen
Tenley-Cindy R
Ella-Lori M
Valecia-Lori K
Cory-Betty
Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M
Crazy Michelle-Irene
Catherine-Greta
Elizabeth-Elayne
Ali-Tess

No rose
Ashley-Sara
Christina-Stephanie
Slutty Spice-but she did get a nice case of herpes.-Wendy