Amazing Race Week 1

Amazing Race season 16! Is it me or is this season a semi-celebrity season?? Race starts in LA this time, during morning rush hour traffic. Let’s review the teams, shall we?

Brent and Caite are dating models. But wait!!! It is even better. Caite is the FAMOUS former Miss Team USA contestant from South Carolina who gave the famous education answer about textbooks and South Africa, and the Iraq, such as. Seriously, if you have never seen this, go to you tube and enjoy. At least the Miss USA pageant never pretends to be a scholarship program for smart girls with big tits. Ya gotta respect that.

Jet and Coy are Rodeo hicks. Seriously, besides the fact that one of them reminds me of my first BAD CHOICE of a boyfriend, these two are total morons. I especially like how the show seems to play a theme song whenever they, are on. Seriously, even though they are brothers, they are playing the theme from Brokeback Mountain.

Steve and Ali. Steve is a former Phillies coach. Anyone know of him? They are father and daughter.

Dan and Jordon, are brothers from Rhode Island. One of them is gay, as in “GAY ALL THE WAY” gay. BTW, he does a HYSTERICAL rendition of Miss South Carolina giving her interview answer. He nails it and apparently has memorized all of the words.

Dana and Adrian are married high school sweethearts. Married for 16 years. I can’t figure out what their gimmick is to be on this season.
Jordon and Jeff dated on Big Brother 11. I’m sure Joanne and Karen can fill us in a little more about them. Jordon is apparently the winner of that season.

Jodi and Shannon. Grandmother and her granddaughter. They are tri athletes. Show off old people piss me off.

Louis and Michael are undercover detectives from, I think, Chicago? Some big city. Frankly, they look to me like they spend A LOT of time doing undercover work at Dunkin Donuts.

Monique and Shawne are best friends and MOMS.

Joe and Heidi are married parents. Heidi states that Joe is “very confrontational”. Yea, that trait always helps on the Race.

And, finally, Carol and Brandy are the required dating lesbians.

Ok, so they leave LA and have to travel by public transportation to LAX, where there are 2 flights. Only the first 3 teams get on the first flight which is supposed to leave 1 hour earlier than the second flight. Teams are traveling to Santiago, Chile.

Lesbians: “Who takes public transportation in LA??”

Teams either take the fly away bus or the metro. Monique and Shawne (aka Shawnique), Jordon and Jeff and Caite and Brent get here first and get on the plane via Dallas. Everyone else gets on the Miami route. BUT WAIT!! In another Amazing Race highlight of American Airlines capabilities, the Dallas flight has the dreaded mechanical problems, and the 3 teams switch their tickets to the Miami flight. So, everyone is on the same plane.

Prior to boarding Brokeback Mountain boys change their US dollars into…Brazilian money. I mean, I kinda felt sorry for them because as good ol REAL Americans, how are they supposed to know or even care about the fact that one S. American country is any different than another? I mean, they both press 2 for Spanish.

Once is Santiago, teams need to take a bus to Valparaiso, which is apparently the San Francisco of South America. The gay dude is going to be thrilled. Brokeback tries to get on the bus but have to confess to being dumb asses with the wrong currency.

Once in Valparaiso, it’s a ROADBLOCK. After 16 seasons, I’m gonna assume you know what a friggin roadblock is. One member of each team has to do a cable walk.

Doing the ROADBLOCK are Caite (NOTE: This is this season’s babybabybaby team), Jordon, Joe (although he’s afraid of heights), Dan, Allie, Brandy (she sucks at it), Shawne and Adriane (cause he’s the big DAWG).

Caite rocks it, while Jordon falls and has to pull himself across. Brandy is a hot mess of shakin. After the cable walk, teams need to take the funicular down the hill. God, I was afraid half of these teams were going to think funicular was a sex act. Jordon and Jeff walk past it, and get half way down the hill before asking someone how to do funicular.

At the bottom of the hill is a DETOUR. Teams have to PAINT THE TOWN.

Teams have to pick a color, carry 4 cans of paint UP THE HILL, find the appropriate color house and finish the socialized painting program the gov’t pays for in this town. I’ll bet you thought I was gonna go on a “I can’t get friggin healthcare but these people get their houses painted for free” rant, didn’t you? Nope.

No one can find the damn houses because they are all walking down the hill.

Right about now, the granny and her kin, and brokeback arrive at the cable walk. Adrian is about half way through it and not doing well. He slips and falls, and a “safety specialist” walks his way out to him and determines there is something with his cable or something that means he has to be hauled all the way back to the start.

Jeff and Jordon, even with Jordon’s tremendous stupidity, find their house, paint it and get the clue. Travel by foot to the pitt stop. Jeff and Jordon are team #1 and win a trip to Vancouver. I think Jordan says, “oh, good, the Caribbean!”

Brent and Caite get to the pitt second, but missed the funicular and have a 30 minute delay. Fans of Sarah Palin, they also wrote themselves clues on their hand (“details”) which did nothing to help them.

Phillies Dad and his daughter can’t figure out the house painting thing, so Dad just happens to wander into a house carrying red paint, and the owners of the house have 1) left the doors open, 2) left a room half painted with red paint and 3) hired workers who do not speak English. Dad and daughter paint half of some strange family’s house with probably the wrong color, EXTERIOR paint, and when finished ask the workers for the clue. LOL. This might be my favorite Race moment ever.

Brokeback kicks ass on the cable thing, and the painting thing. Shawnique are team #2, Brokeback are team #3.

Dan and Jordon are team #4 BUT Dan dropped and lost a brush so they get a 15 minute penalty.

Adrian gives the cable walk another try, but again falls off half way across.

The crack detectives can’t find the houses to paint, so just start randomly painting graffiti for some reason.

Steve and Allie are team #4, Joe and Heidi team #5, Carol and Brandy team #6, Brent and Caite can finally check in as team #7, Dan and Jordon can check in as team #8 and the detectives finally manage to find both the house and the pitt and are team #9. Granny and kid cross the pitt as team #10. Phil shows up at the cable walk and tells Dana and Adrian that they have been eeeeliminated.

1. Jordon and Jeff
2. Monique and Shawne
3. Jet and Coy
4. Steve and Allie
5. Joe and Heidi
6. Carol and Brandy
7. Brent and Caite
8. Dan and Jordon
9. Louis and Michael
10. Jodi and Shannon
Out
11. Dana and Adrian