Bachelor Update: Wait, these Ho's have jobs??

Hometown night! Meet the Fockers! Cannot wait to see what all American stock these freak-ettes come from!

First up, NYC and Gia. Ok, what the hell is with her and the jump up on him and wrap her legs around his waist thing? I mean, jesus, when my dog does that she gets smacked with the newspaper. They take a boat twip, "This is where I'm fwom, Jake!"

"I'm falling for Gia too" yawn. They pose, drink, and take pictures of each other. Uhuh, the nude shots will be appearing on the internet in about another week.

Funniest line contender #1: "When I kiss Gia I get into it. I get a burning desire to.....know her heart". hahahhahahahah

Oh for god sake, he brings up her past relationships. Seriously, I think he is waiting for one of these girls to ask him if he wants to watch her fool around with her old boyfriend. It's creepy. She has to do the rundown of all of the Tony Sopranos she's dated in her life. "She's been hurt before". Yea, Jake, she is over the age of 13.

Meet the parents, and since it is NYC they meet in a restaurant. Mom, stepfather Tony (no shit), brother and maybe a stepbrother. Dunno. I couldn't get past how freakish the brother looked. Like, a baby chicken that just popped out of the egg all wet and geeky. Mom is in a dress that is way too short. She takes Jake aside. "You are dating 4 girls, are you in love with all 4 girls?" "What makes my Gia special? Jake: "She has a way about her". Hmmm, that would make a good song lyric.

The baby chicken brother, Erik, doesn't want to see her hurt. However he does want to see her expose herself, and discredit her morals by going on TV to find lurve. Mom gets to ask her final question, which is basically, "Jake, would you seriously fuck up anyone who hurt Gia?" .

Mom and Gia on a park bench (two for one special tonight gentlemen): "Gia he has lurve in his eyes when he looks at you" G:"Mom, he is that way with everyone". M: "No I feel it here, in my silicone breasts". Gia: "I want the faiwy tale"

The night ends up with the two of them sitting on da stoop. Jake tries really really hard to find something nice to say about the Real Housewives of NYC and her family.

Date 2: Ali. I can't figure out where this is, seems like New England. "When I was a kid we would jump up and catch leaves and make a wish". Jake jumps up and grabs leaves for them to make wishes. I wish this date was already over.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: It is not acceptable to wear a white jacket after labor day. It is NEVER acceptable to wear said white jacket with a freakish lumberjacket shirt.

Oh, this is going to be a good date. She takes him to her dead grandmother's house. It makes Jake think about life and death, 'cause he's just so damn deep.

Ali's Mom, sister and brother. Ali's mom has never watched the show but went online to learn all about Jake. Her head must have exploded. "Ali has a heart of gold". She takes him outside, even though he is a totally pussy about cold weather. Ali and her sister chat in the worlds most ugliest blue kitchen. Seriously, if I were Jake I would be running for the hills.

Mom: "What does family mean to you" J: "It is extremely important". yawn. "Ali has strong feelings for you, and she is the happiest I have ever seen her, so you have my blessing. And, here's $50 if you chose her."

Later, Ali and Jake by the fire. A:"You are everything I dreamed I would ever find. I want you. If you asked me today I would say yes". Jake takes off his gloves for the big kiss. J:" I'm right where I need to be with Ali". Either that or he said, "I have her right where I want her, mwahahahahha".

Ok, what the HELL is with the cheesy Jared "Will You Marry Me ads???"

Date 3 is Tenley and Oregon. "Blah blah blah, Tenley has impressed me with her CORE VALUES." Oh give it a freakin rest. Tenley gets to ask Jake questions-wants to ask him who he is as a man". "What part do your parents play in your life?" (Ladies, this is a good question that you will NEVER get the true answer from). Jake: "I run everything past my parents". HOLY CRAP. Run.

OMFG. Please tell me I am not seeing this. Tenley choreographed a dance for him to Pachelbal's Canon. "I never did this for my ex". Lucky ex. They then dance together. Really, it is gagging me.

Whew, now to meet the parents. I can open my eyes now. Dad, mom, sister. Apparently, although divorced, Tenley is the only bach-ette who does not come from a broken home. Put that in your family values pipe and smoke it, Jake. Her mom looks younger than me. The bitch. Dad takes Jake upstairs to the man cave. Dad: "When I watched the bachelor (really???) last season, I thought, I wish Tenley would find someone like Jake". Oh come on!!! Dad lays on the broken heart bullshit really thick.

Tenley, whose voice is just god awful, pumps Dad afterwards. They both cry about the fucking divorce. (Note: I added the word divorce into the drinking game just because I was getting too sober watching this shit).

Mom:"What do you want to ask me?" J:" Is she ready?" Mom:"She is a different girl than the last time I saw her. She will have empotional spillovers". Jeezuz, another ringing endorsement.

Dad and Jake go outside this time to bond. Jake: "If I asked Tenley to marry me would I have your permission?" "I would give you my blessing but it carries with it a responsibility". Jake gets all emotional. And, all I notice is the biggest ASS flag on the side of the house.

Date 4, Vienna in the swamps of Florida, which is appropriate. She is wearing the 80's off the shoulder flashdance look. It ain't coming back, honey. Jake likes her and can't see why EVERYONE thinks she is a bitch.

"My dad didn't meet most of my dates, and didn't get to know my ex until after we were married." I believe we are all about to see why. Dad, Vinnie, has a little dog Chloe. Wife Lisa, who is clearly not V's mom. My first impressions: OH MY GOD, they are trailor trash. And, she and her dad have a scary relationship. Run, Jake, Run. V tells her dad she "LOVES JAKE", and totally reminds me of the little girl in Willy Wonka that WANTS things and makes her Dad GET THEM FOR HER.

Dad takes Jake out to his garage, "I don't like you dating 4 girls". "You need to treat her like a princess" "I expect her to be treated GOOD". Um, Vinnie? You expect her to be treated WELL. Just a little matter of grammar. Jake:"V and I connected right away and everyone else was jealous and tried to throw her under the bus". Dad:"Oh, she gets that all the time". BECAUSE SHE IS AN UGLY ASS BITCH.

Later, Dad catches them making out. Ugh. He gives Jake another 10 minutes to finish.

AND FINALLY, THE DATE IS OVER AND WE ARE BACK IN LA. Ahhhhh, end of the drama. But, WAIT, the most dramatic scene is coming right up! Knock knock...Ali comes in crying. She has an impossible decision to make. Her job (which is Facebook) called and wants her to either quit her job or come back to work (probably because they are getting all kinds of death threats due to the new Facebook format). She wants to let him know.

Jake: "So, what are you asking me? We have something special, you have to weigh which one is bigger". "I can't guarentee I won't put a ring on your finger but I can't say that I wouldn't." Wow, so freaking romantic and sensitive! She'll let him know at the rose ceremony, which will make it EVEN MORE DRAMATIC. Chris just wet himself.

Rose Ceremony. Just the guys, Jake and drooling Chris. "Crazy week, Jake, but let's talk Ali". Jake:" I don't know, she'll get fired if she choses to stay, but I can't make that decision, and certainly ABC will fire my ass if I tell her to stay cause she's the one.

Chris escorts each "lady" in while Jake bullshits about why each girl could be the one. "Tonight's decision isn't mine to make" PUSSY.

Ali wants to talk to Chris, he takes her to Jake. J:"You are beautiful". A:"You are handsome". I am nauseous. Seriously, I have about a page of notes on this bullshit, but I can't type it. He can't say stay, she can't get past that, lots of drama. Chris is listening in the whole time, "Ali, have you made a decision??" "I have to go". Jake walks her out. Boooohooooo. He comes back in, 3 women are gloating, one more than the others. Jake looks totally totally happy to have her gone. Seriously, it's full steam ahead to the overnight dates!!

Vienna-Donna
Gia-Karen
Tenley-Cindy R

Off to the herpes clinic
Ali-Tess
Corrie-Betty
Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M
Ella-Lori M
Catherine-Greta
Valecia-Lori K
Crazy Michelle-Irene
Elzabeth-Elayne
Ashley-Sara
Christina-Stephanie
Slutty Spice-Wendy