Bachelor: And then there were 5 Ho’s

So, I’m in a bad mood. Expect this to be meaner than usual 

Gia: “We’re awwiving in San Fwancisco and it’s the end of owr woad trip”
They get off the big old bus, Vienna is totally sprayed on black pants and high heels. Ladies, just a public service announcement. If you are gonna wear pants this tight? Make sure you are wearing cotton panties. This chick is looking for a mean case of crotch itch if you ask me.

Chris is MIA so Jake tells the girls there are no more date roses.
Date 1 is with Tenley: “Let’s get our lurve on track”. They take a trolley to Chinatown. Tenley says they have chemistry (drink). They go and make their own fortune cookies, they kiss (drink) and then stand on the street watching some old Chinese dude playing some kind of strange ass Chinese saw. It becomes THEIR SONG. They go to a castle for dinner and have to eat outside up in the turret thingy.

Jake: “She’s the one I picture as my wife”. They edit out the next line, “but she’s used goods”.

The bulk of the evening is spent with Jake hounding her about her divorce. “What mistakes did you make in your marriage”. WOW. Let’s just blame the little woman, shall we?? Tenley says, “I didn’t always jump up and great my poor working shit of a husband at the door wearing Saran wrap”. She asks Jake what he expects of his wife (and, I am FRIGGIN GAGGING ON THIS), and he says, “someone who has my back (he is obsessed with that), respect and trust”. Wow. No wonder this dude can’t find a wife the traditional route. Tenley says, “cheating is a choice”. Ahhh. Yes. But being CHEATED UPON is not a choice.

Ugh, they open their fortune cookies and both way, “kiss me”. Seriously? That’s all you got? They kiss and the “On the Wings of Lurve” theme song plays.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the date card comes and it’s a threesome. Vienna and Gia: “Come be the Queens of My Castle”. Vienna and Ali get into it about Ali’s comments at the last rose ceremony. BTW, Ali is wearing a sweater with big neck falling off her shoulder. When did THAT bad look come back in? Vienna: “Ali’s not going to break Jake and me up. I need to go tell Jake what she said”.

Next morning, a trunk arrives for Gia and Vienna. It’s full of clothes for dress up. Seriously, it’s full of skirts and both of them pick black tight pants and stilettos. Vienna picks an ugly ass purple tank top which she pairs with a wool scarf. Why? God knows. Gia picks a nice blue high next top. Gia looks way hotter. Vienna: “I have a really strong relationship with him”.

They go to this vineyard castle, and it’s an overnight date! Holy crap. They drink wine and Vienna treats her totally like a third wheel on the date. And Jake just lets her do it. Vienna “You had me shaking in my pants that night at the rose ceremony”. Then she cries. Gia just keeps drinking. It is really awkward but the Jake-tard (oooh, Sarah Palin is so gonna come after me for that one) just lets her monopolize the date. He tells her, “I want you here”. Really awkward.

He then remembers Gia is there and ‘steals her away”. They wonder around in the wine cellar and find a dark corner and a bench.

J: It’s hard to be on a date with a girlfriend, huh?
G: All the girls compare notes and I don’t think you think I am special
J: I’m really into you. You’re kind and generous and gorgeous. Are you falling for me, because I am falling for you
SLURP
J: We have amazing moments
G: Is it OK to fall?
J: Yes
And then it’s a slurp fest.

Vienna gets tired of waiting, takes a lantern and wonders around in the dark looking for them. She gets all scared and starts saying,” Jaaaake? Jaaaake honey…” It’s so pathetic. She finally finds them and they jump out of the dark and scare her. She keeps calling Jake her boyfriend. PSYCHO TALK. She asks him, “What would married life be like with you?” But he seems distant, so she says, “I don’t want to share you anymore”.
Jake shows them both their shared room. Hahahahahha. MEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWW. Vienna can’t stand seeing Jake and Gia having a spark.

Note: Does Vienna have a weave? Discuss.

Jake is in bed topless (drink). Vienna takes a bottle of wine, a lantern and sneaks into his bedroom. Gia thinks it’s a really bad idea. She gets into bed with him and says, “Cheers to a new beginning and a new love”. Jake is worried about Gia’s feelings. It’s really awkward.

Date card: It’s for Corrie. “Love is a walk in the park”. Corrie shows up in legging and pumps. Seriously, is this really in fashion?? They take a rowboat, and it is awkward. Corrie tells him she doesn’t just date to date, it has to be special. They are in the boat, face to face and…..no kiss. Jake says, “I’m ready for dinner, you?”

Dinner is at the Science Center, in front of the fish tank. “I feel like your head is somewhere else” “Our relationship is moving slowly. We’re about to make a turn and I don’t know where you are?” She stammers on and tells him she doesn’t believe in living together before marriage. She is saving herself for marriage. (ding ding ding, we have a VIRGIN). They kiss and SUDDENLY HE’S INTERESTED.

Date card for Ali: “I want to leave my heart in San Fransisco. Show me your city”. Ali is wearing a blue dress and boots. Big ugly suede boots. And she is carrying a big ass LL BEAN tote. They go to her neighborhood, he buys her flowers. They have lunch. They have really boring chat. “I’m not from the picture perfect family” KISS. Jake wants to ask her about Vienna. They go to the park. She ends up straddling him. Man. “I never thought I’d be here”. They drink champagne. J: “You can come to me if you are bothered. I think you wanted to say something to me after the rose ceremony”. She just says, “if you pick me I’m yours. I have no questions about why people are here”. “Do what you feel, I have to let go of all that”. They kiss and then jump in the surf. With her suede boots on.

Pre Rose Ceremony cocktail party. Everyone’s nervous. Jake is confused. “I am falling for all of you”. He reads cue card well, doesn’t he? One on one time.

Tenley: “It’s hard knowing you are out with other women. J” Thinks with us are going at a good pace. They dance then kiss.

Corrie (VIRGIN). I dunno, they have some weird chat. It’s strange.
Gia, looking VERY HOT. “I was worried about double dating”. She leaves unsaid, “You passed the Vienna tramp test”. Jake: “You’re not like the other women”. No shit, Sherlock, she’s the only one that is not blonde. She gets a CHEEK KISS!

Vienna: “I’m too impatient”. He takes her to his freaking room. On the balcony, “I’m getting my Jake kiss”. He brings up the bungee jumping thing. Shit, he likes her.

Chris is back!!! Rose ceremony. “This is really hard…blah blah blah.
Roses: Tenley, Ali, Gia………Vienna. I am starting to think he is consistently giving her the last rose as a signal that she is going to always get the last rose. UGH.

Bye Bye Corrie.