Survivor, brought to you by Outback Steak

Yo yo yo. I actually had to go back and watch this episode twice, mostly because I couldn't believe it the first time around. CANNOT WAIT for Jeff to jump all over JT at the reunion show for being the worlds biggest idiot.

We start with Jerri, who is like the old woman of the sea this season, wigging out about Coach getting voted off. And, not getting a chance to put her tongue down his throat one last time before he went. At least she still has the shell engagement ring. She talks to Troll, who denies having any idea what happened last week. And, she buys it. He wants either Sandra or Courtney to go. No shock there.

Tree mail. It's that challenge from Tocachines or whatever it was, where people stand on little pegs. This time, they have to self rank themselves from strongest to weakest and they get matched up that way. Rupert thinks he's the strongest, but they all basically tell him he's too fat.

COME ON IN GUYS. Jeff is in light blue. Notice Coach has been voted off. Rupert: "It's obviously a woman's alliance". And, it is obviously a winning tactic to keep yelling out what you think the other team is doing. Jeff explains the challenge. Wanna know what you are playing for? A totally shameless push for Outback Steakhouse, now available in American Samoa. "Bloomin' onion baybee". Everyone apparently loves Outback. LOVES LOVES LOVES Outback. Either that or they got their kickback checks this morning.

Matched up: Danielle/Candace, Courtney/Amanda, Pervhottie/JT, Jerri/Colby and Sandra/Rupert. The troll sits out because, like Rupert, he is too damn fat.

While we wait for the first 10 minutes to pass, Jeff tells us that it is an historic day!! It is the 100th day Amanda has played Survivor.

They all move down one peg. The troll mouths good luck to JT, who thinks it is a cry for help.

3rd foothold. Colby the Lame goes out. Villains 1-0. Rupert goes out, Villains 2-0.

Sandra starts talking about how she LOVES her some Outback. Jeff, before my huuusband went off to Afghanistan, that last week? Instead of having sex, we ate at Outback Steak twice. "I love OUTBACK STEAK, and so does my all patriotic, fighting for America soldier husband". She totally just got free Outback for life.

Amanda is out. Villains win reward. Over at the Outback shack, and hey! No waiting in American Samoa-no having to sit around smelling the food, getting hungry enough to order that 5,000 calorie Bloomin Onion while you wait for the square vibrator to vibrate. Sandra is pounding the pink drinks. Because in addition to LOVING OUTBACK, and her WAR HERO HUSBAND, Sandra LOVES her some pink drinks with kick ass alcohol in them. Seriously, this is like an Outback ad. Complete with close-ups of the steak and cheesy-gross baked potato.

Pervhottie actually uses her napkin, and finds a rolled up clue in it. They all chatter along about how funny the Heroes are going on and on about the all girl alliance. Pervhottie gets up to pee, and Danielle joins her. Perv and Danielle read the clue. Perv isn't tellin the troll.

JT, apparently, does not give a damn about no steak. He tells Amanda and I think Candace, that he is going to give Russell the idol and tell him to vote off Perv. Amanda thinks this is crazy but lets him do it.

The next day, Perv and Danielle go looking for the idol, carrying a big ass shovel just in case anyone sees them. They find it.

Oh god. JT writes the most embarrassingly 7th grade letter to Russell. Do you like me? Circle yes or no. LOL.

Immunity Challenge: Light blue. I don't know. It's some thing with bags of puzzles on ropes, and then a totem pole puzzle. Whatever. In the middle of it, Russell and Colby the Lame are both out in the water on platforms. Colby goes all serious and tells him after the challenge, JT will shake his hand and hand him the idol. "Save yourself, man". Russell drags getting his bag of pieces and the Heroes win immunity.

"I don't even have to find the idols anymore, people are just giving me the idols". JT is all thrilled with himself. "I'm gonna make Survivor history". Yes, you certainly are.

Troll and Pervhottie read the letter and laugh about it. "How do you give the idol king an idol??" Perv adds, "Your BFF forever, JT". It is really laughable.

Troll wants Courtney. Courtney promises Perv she will stick with her after the merge. The troll tells Jerri and Danielle about the idol from JT. Perv tries to argue for Sandra to go rather than Courtney. It's all kind of boring at this point.

Tribal-Jeff is in dark blue, baby. Let's bring Coach out. OH MY FUCKING GOD. Coach is wearing like, a kung fu smoking jacket. Seriously. I think be must have bought it at one of those chinese stores in San Francisco. I can't stop laughing. Seriously, I laughed so hard I could not take notes on the tribal. It was all blah blah trust, blah blah blab alliance. I do notice, however that Danielle's lip waxing needs to be redone, and she is sporting one hell of a mustache. I can only imagine what she looks like now that the Brazilian wax job has also grown in. Ugh.

They vote and Courtney goes. "Later Bitches".

Survivor Update: Regrets, I have a few...

Jeez, how can it possibly be Thursday already? Man oh man. Let's see what my drunken Survivor notes from last week say, shall we?


Sooo, Rob was voted out last time, and I am still upset about that. Can't believe I was actually rooting for him after all these years of watching the reality whore. Russell is all crazy eyed. Seriously, it's like his pupils are constantly dilated with evil. Coach is upset about the vote, WHICH IS HIS OWN DAMN FAULT. Now Jerri is also wondering if she made the wrong choice. YES. The simple answer is YES. I keep wondering if these people watched the last season with Etroll, although I know Coach blogged about it. Coach:" Now I'm forced to go in that direction. We're in the crapper and are praying for the merge". Hey, you lazy mo'fo how about doing some OUT-FREAKING-PLAYING and peeling some people away from the Coach alliance? What would Gandhi do? Gandhi would be kicking some ass right about now, if you ask me. As would Buddha. Notice I am not even calling him the dragon slaya today, because a REAL FREAKING dragon slaya wouldn't walk away from a fight with a little fat, dirty assed, crazy eyed dragon. Nooooo sir. A real FREAKING dragon slaya would be going all Gandhi-Buddha on the troll.

Let's see what's up in Heroland. JT goes to find the new idol. Which reminds me, WHY ISN'T THAT FAT, DIRTY ASSED, CRAZY DRAGON looking for the second idol like he did last season? Sorry, I got distracted. Amanda follows JT to see what he's doing. Her ass cheeks are hanging out of her shorts. Bing, I now christen her "Ass Cheeks". JT finds the idol, hidden once again by the American Samoa brownie troop #486. He tells Ass Cheeks about it, then tells Candace. They urge him to 'come clean". And then doves fly out of they butts. JT tells the others, and says "let's forget about it and save it for the one of us who needs it after the merge". Candace and Ass Cheeks doubt JT is, let's face it, that stupid. He's the golden boy. He's "in" with everybody. Candace wants him gone. (drink)

The villains are hungry. Apparently eating your own isn't filling. Coach tells Jerri to suck it up and be a ninja that can survive without food. LMAO. The day my husband tells me that, he is a dead man walking.
Everyone is hoping for the merge. The Villains pack up all their shit and take it to the challenge.

Challenge! Dark Blue!! Let's welcome the new Villain tribe, without Rob. oooooooh. Rupert " sure looks like a woman's alliance making the decisions". 'Troll's pupils dilate a little more. Colby is confused why they brought their shit. "What did they read into the clue that we missed??"
Jeff: "See all that food over there? You will all have an opportunity to enjoy it. But....... first.........drop...........your............expectations. No merge today. LOL!! I love when my man bitch slaps them all. Kind of reminds me of the other night at the Motel 6 in Pottstown...but I digress.

Reward challenge: Bowling, or as my mother always called it "Polish Night Out". No offense to bowlers. Ah, the Tiki Bowl is in business.

Pervhottie is up against Rupert. Perv rolls a gutter ball, Rupert gets 3 pins. Perv rolls another gutter and the Hero's are up 1-0. Clearly we are not playing by real rules.

JT vs Danielle. JT gets 6 pins first try, Danielle gets 0 although Jeff has to friggin say she has good form. I'll show him good form... JT gets nutin on his second roll, Danielle, another bunch of nothing. Heroes up by 2.

Troll vs Colby. Troll rolls a gutter. EAT IT TROLL. Colby, rolls a 0 with a faggot little bounce. Second ball: Troll gets a 5, Colby a 1. Heroes 2: Villains 1.

Coach vs Ass Cheeks. Coach rolls a 5! As does Ass Cheeks!!! Coach gets another pin for 6 but....Ass Cheeks kicks it with 2 pins and Heroes win reward.

Heroes feast on bowling junk food. They are the "fantastic 5" in their minds. Lots of discussion: Crazy to vote out Rob! It's clearly an all woman alliance over there? They want the hero girls to get right in and bond with them when the merge happens. "I love you all". LOL. That'll last...

Back at camp. Happy land! Jerri: "Everyone on this tribe is an idiot." I could not agree more. "We should never have voted Rob out". Jerri and Sandra go at it because Russell told them to sit out. Sandra "now it's my fault??" "I hate them all".

Sandra and Courtney talk. "if Russell thinks someone is gunning for him, he gets rid of them. Let's put the 'Coach wants Russell gone' bug in his ear.

Coach is telling Courtney he hates everyone. Troll sees them talking "I will tell them this is how we're voting and that's done". God I want a job at his company!! Sandra mentions that Coach regrets Rob going and wants YOU gone". BING!!! It's like magic. "He's going behind my back and digging his own grave".

LOL. Sandra is so smart. 'He don't know what he got himself in with". The troll tells Pervhottie, "We have to get rid of Coach so the Heroes think it's a woman's alliance and the men will come straight to me." He's still chewing on that woman calling the shots claim, obviously.

Immunity Challenge. Light Blue. My notes say, "belted in pairs, under and over obstacles for flags". Hmmm, I have no memory of that. I think there's some mud involved. Screw it, Heroes win immunity. Courtney apparently hurts her ankle.

Villainland of Fun!! Coach, "it was like going to a spa". The dragon slaya is just coming into his own. Because he beat fat Rupert. LOL. Coach thinks he should get rid of Russell (HELLLOOOOOOOOOO), but decides on Courtney.

Coach asks the Troll, "any funny stuff going on I should know about?" Troll, "I'll send home who I want to".

Danielle wants to keep Coach, get rid of Courtney. She argues with Courtney. Courtney " if you keep Coach and lose, your ass is on the line". Danielle doesn't know what to do. Sandra and Courtney, Russell and Danielle are arguing. The Troll now says he wants to keep Coach. Pervhottie thinks it's all absurd.

Tribal. Hmmm, I call it Slate Blue, Donna calls it green.
Jeff: so, you got rid of Tyson and Rob and now have suffered 4 straight loses. Danielle: they were big threats.
Coach was the only person who won a point in bowling.
Courtney: You sit out most challenges. "I didn't vote for Rob".
Coach "People are laughing at us". Yes, dragon slaya they are. I get the impression that, more than anything else, bothers Coach.
Courtney rolls her eyes. "He only wanted to eat". Coach "so I'm the problem??" Jeff "that's what I heard". Oh, SNAP.
Jeff "You are all making decisions based upon a potential merge that might not happen"
Troll: "If you can keep the tribe stronger and keep the trust, that's what I'm doing tonight.
Time to vote. Courtney 3, Coach 4. Coach becomes the first member of the Jury.
Jeff, who is just so dayam smart: "The problem with trust is you don't know it's gone until it's too late". Ohhh, I got chills. I think I need to publish a book of Jeff-isms.

Survivor: Don't Vote With Your Gonads

So just to rehash, last week the Troll blindsided Rob and double crossed Tyson. And, James got the ax too.

On the Villains, Rob is seething. He was shocked by the vote. “Something doesn’t feel right”. Sandra tells him “Tyson didn’t want to see a tie”.

Courtney: Russell is a bandy legged troll with one tooth that never bathes, and Pervhottie has no problems flirting with him.

Rob: Why do these 3 people have so much confidence? Are Jerri and Coach with them??

Back from commercial: a sea turtle eating something, and then a big wave. Drama ahead.

Morning. Jerri sits with the troll and the witches of Samoa. The troll tries to pump her. “Jerri has all kinds of respect for me”. Perv works on Jerri. Hard. Jerri: “maybe I just have a fear of commitment”. Perv: “I’ll take you to the final 4”.

Perv: Jerri is jealous of the troll and me. LOL.

Over on Heroes. Rupert: “Colby needs to step up today”. And Colby is just sitting staring at the fire. He is feeling a pressure to perform. Oooh, performance anxiety. I hear that’s tough for men.

Challenge. Jeff is in light blue. I wasn’t in the mood anyway. It’s another version of March Madness basketball, this one in the water. Wanna know what you’re playing for? Another trip to a waterfall with food. When are we going to bring out the natives??

Courtney, Sandra and Perv sit out.

First up, men on men. It’s a scramble, and Colby missed twice in a row. Rut row, not good. Coach gets a hold of the ball, and throws like a friggin girl. He missed by a mile. Coach and Colby tussle. Colby gets and ball and makes the shot. 1-0 Heroes.

Next, it’s 2 women, one man. Coach and Colby are back in it. The women are going at it. Colby passes to Candace, in and out. Coach…another big miss. You’d think his dragon slaya powers would help in basketball. Colby passes to Candace, she scores!! 2-0 Heroes

Men again. Right off the bat, Troll and Rupert go at it. I mean, really go at it. JT gets the ball easily, passes to Colby who gets it in!! Heroes blank the Villains 3-0!!! Colby redemption.

They go off for reward. I swear they are playing the Lord of the Rings music. They are all eating when Candace sees the note. She opens it, it’s about another idol. “Let’s all ignore it”. And, just like you can’t ignore genital herpes (or so I hear…), they all stop having fun. Amanda goes over and brings the note back. She reads it aloud. “It’s in a shallow grave by the two bridges”. Isn’t this the exact friggin place the second idol that the troll found without a clue was hidden?? They all decide to find it together “that’s for all of us to use against the villains”. And then doves flew out of all of their asses.

Villainland. Troll and Jerri chat. He offers them top 3. Jerri calls over Coach. Hey, Jerri is wearing a shell ring. Is that from Coach?? Coach: “Russell is selling her a pure line of gold and Jerri is buying it”.

Jerri and Coach talk. Jerri told the troll she is going along with him. Coach is pissed. Jerri wants Coach to come over to the dark side with her. Coach: “We are honor bound to play the game together” “Jerri has muddied the water”. Jerri doesn’t trust Rob as much as she trusts the troll. LMAO. Coach: “Rob is trustworthy”. “I’m hurt because you didn’t talk to me before committing to the troll”. “You better not be saying you trust the troll and me equally”. “I can’t believe you threw all of your eggs in Russell’s basket”. Jerri: “Well, not all of my eggs”. Ewww.

Jerri: “Coach is naïve. You can’t be the good guy to everyone and win this game, and I plan to win”.

Immunity challenge: Light blue. I wasn’t in the mood anyway.

It’s another greatest hits challenge. Run on a trampoline, climb up a rope ladder and get…wait for it….puzzle freakin pieces.

I’ll skip the rolling and bouncing. Suffice it to say, Courtney lost the villains a lot of time. Heroes get all their pieces first, but Jerri says, “It’s a puzzle, we got this”. Rob and Sandra do the puzzle as do JT and Amanda. Holy crap! The heroes win immunity!!

Coach is right on Courtney. She’s the weakest link.

The troll is all against Rob and Courtney. Big shock. Rob and the troll are sitting on a log with Sandra and Courtney, who are freakishly braiding each other’s hair. The troll points to the two of them and says, “one of these two should go”. Wow, what a breach of Survivor etiquette. Worse than bananagate.

Troll: Once Courtney is gone, Rob is done.

Coach wants Perv or Courtney. Rob: “Courtney is loyal. Perv or Russell? Russell is dangerous.”

Coach to Rob: “I want to be standing with you on the last day”.

Troll wants to blindside Rob. Coach and Jerri are sitting with him. “Me and Coach can beat anyone, we don’t need Rob”. Coach still tries to lobby Courtney.

Coach has his close up moment. Coach doesn’t want Rob to go. “I came to win but not at all costs”. He’s confused. And thinking with his penis. Just sayin.

Rob to Jerri: “You’re smart, you’ll figure it out”. Yea, but will it be soon enough.

The lovebirds chat. Jerri” I’ve aged years”. Coach does not disagree. “It’s not the right time to get rid of Rob”. Jerri: “I’m not a good villain”.

Tribal. Ahh, Jeff is in darkish blue. I’ll take it.

Sandra, How is tonight’s vote different? “We’re all over the board tonight”

Coach: Hope springs eternal. The split is 3-3, with Jerri and I as tie breakers. Tyson was the bridge

Troll: Well, I just flat out disagree with that. By getting rid of Tyson, it made us closer

Most people disagree…

Rob: This is not a functional tribe.

Troll: Last week I made the best more for myself (and no one picks up on this comment????)

Perv: Yea, but people are mad about it.

Coach: People are paranoid.

Question: what’s more important, alliances or team strength?

Rob to Russell: You are against me. Loyalty is more important.

Troll: If you are gunning for me, you have to go.

Coach (idiot): Lines have been drawn. We can’t win if our best competitors are against each other.

Jerri: I’ve been confronted by both sides. I’ve had to weigh both sides, and I hope I am making the best decision.

Vote: Troll, 3; Courtney 1 (thanks, Coach, you ahole), Rob 4. Waaah, Rob is votes off. As he leaves, Coach gets up to hug him. Rob: “You’re a little man”. And, somewhere Jerri agrees.

Dr. Jeff: Does the vote bring the tribe together or destroy it???

Survivor: Watch Your Back, MAN

Ahhh, it is such a nice day here in PA! Seriously, sunny, hot. The kind of day that you want to wear a dirty sports bra and crunchy bikini bottoms and slap at some biting insects. Oh, and HAPPY EASTER!! Or as I like to call it, the other day of the year I have to go to church.

Hmmm, last week. We start off with Amanda being mad at Candace. "She has to go". (Drink).

Nighttime in the jungle, and the Etroll is wide awake. He never sleeps, being consumed 24/7 with evil. Rob is also awake, waiting for him. They chat. Etroll tries to make Rob think he's not really against him. Rob tells him, "people are mad about the idol". The troll denies having it. Rob is all about making Etroll even more crazy and paranoid. "Watch your back, man".

Tree mail: "Never Give Up Even at the End of Your Rope". Colby is wondering if it is a physical challenge, and what that means for James. I got $20 on that same question, Colby.

Challenge, Jeff is in light blue. I wasn't really in the mood anyway. It's straight into a immunity challenge, with a twist. Both tribes will go to tribal, the winners get to watch the losers vote someone off while they enjoy shoveling hot dogs and drinks down their gullets.

It's another in the Survivor HALL OF FAME challenges, a rope obstacle. Basically fences with ropes tied all around them, and the players have to crawl around to untwist the rope. The Dragon Slaya, JT and Tyson have done this before.

Heroes go first. Lots of butt shots. Colby, as usual, SUCKS at this challenge. James is kicking ass even with his knee. Candace and JT get through the first section first, and Candace wins immunity.

Villains are up next, and I actually think a week later Sandra is still trying to figure this challenge out. It's Rob, Tyson and Etroll neck and neck, but in the end Rob wins immunity. Clearly this is a thin person's challenge, not a fat ass troll with a lower center of gravity person's challenge.

Rob takes on Candace in the elementary school jungle gym Survivor has flown in and built in the jungle. I hope they leave it for the displaced little children of Somoa, instead of selling it on ebay. Rob barely squeaks it out. Rob wins the challenge for the Villains.

Villainland: Pervhottie is on the list of people to to,but Rob wants Etroll to think it is him and use the idol. Coach, as we know, has another alliance with the devil, aka Russell. Rob to Russell: "If you have the idol, you better get it, otherwise it's been real". Which makes the troll fume: "Ima gonna git him to eat his words". He decides to give Perv the idol and then vote for Tyson.

Heroland: Colby "James beat me brace and all". Colby says to the tribe, I know it's me so let's have a nice day and not give anything away tonight at Tribal. Colby and James chat. "Sleepy ass Colby gets beat by a fat man and a cripple. It's not the old Colby".

Amanda, JT and Rupert chat Colby or James. JT: "Our 5 has to be the strongest".

Amanda talks to James, tells him he has to show that he can run and jump, but also that he needs to learn the etiquette of bananas. She tells him people are mad that he eats too many bananas, and never offers to get anyone any bananas. This statement alone is why I could never survive. James declares it's Hero Olympics time, challenges JT to a race. Colby is busy floating in the water. James and JT race, JT wins but James puts up a good effort. "James is a fighter and powerful". "Hey, JT, would you like a banana??" LOL.

V: Rob wants to ensure that the troll doesn't double cross him. He wants to split the vote between Etroll and Pervhottie. Good thought.

Etroll talks to Tyson, tells him "I'm voting for Pervhottie:. Tyson, who is a freaking idiot, changes his vote to Pervhottie as well.

Tribal Villains (wow, I didn't even notice what color Jeff was wearing).
Jerri: In what way has Survivor changed? The game is on from the start.
Rob: Hidden immunity idols, we never had them when I played
Sandra: We all know who has it.
Etroll: If you ain't got it you can't play it
Tyson: Jeff, I am a total tool, so let me just say that the idol isn't that important at this point in the game.
Perv: Tyson is a threat because he has connections on the other side.
Sandra: Pervhottie has slept with half of the Heroes.

Time to vote. Best line ever: Sandra as she is voting: "Russell, it's time for you to get in the ocean and wash your ass out."

Anyone have the idol? Russell plays it but gives it to Perv as payment for sexual favors. The vote is Russell 2, Perv 4 and Tyson 3. Tyson screwed himself out of the game. Rob, looks stunned.

Tribal II, Heroes. Villains are scarfing hot dogs. Rupert can't take his eyes off the food.

James: I raced JT today. Jeff, What??
Amanda: A lot of people would have lost to JT.
Colby: Huh? Wassup? I just said how much I want to stay
James: Colby is the best former player but he's superman in a girdle. I wanna be here AND I now know banana etiquette.

Time to vote. Colby gets 1 vote, James gets 4. Waaaaaaa.

James (and me): "Ima gonna be good and drunk in the next 5 minutes".