Yo yo yo!! Welcome to the ALMOST last update for the HISTORIC, 10 YEAR SURVIVOR!! Ahhhhh, my job here is almost done. Before I forget, I just opened all of the checks, and will let you know later if I don't have $$ from you. Thanks for all the funny notes accompanying the $$. I am totally hoping Carolyn or Ed Parkes are reading this, because I would like to call Ed out for giving me such a beating up over choosing Russell for him. Hmmmm, Ed, ya wanna walk that back a little bit??
Tonight's episode is clearly brought to you by Palm's Pre (ding).
Lots of residual drama brought about by the fact that Perv was blindsided by Danielle's going home. Perv and Sandra discuss what happened. "I thought it was Rupert". Perv talks to Jerri, tells her she knows Russell changed his vote. Jerri tells her that Etroll threatened her that she would be next if she didn't vote for Danielle. They agree that they need to get back to the plan of getting rid of Colby and Rupert, cause if either of them end up in the finale they will win. Perv now agrees that Russell is clearly the biggest Villain in Survivor history.
Tree mail is .....a SPRINT Palm Pre phone. And, it's a family challenge. Oh, goody.
Come on in! Jeff is in Dark Blue. I cannot wait for him to grab that faux bamboo ice bucket they use to hold the votes, jump back on the military stealth helicopter and fly home to Spring City. I've already laid out the large white panties in the back yard to mark the landing strip.
Big family hugs.
Here's Russell's poor abused wife. God, I was yelling at the teevee "run and hide, run and hide".
Rupert's wife-it's their 12th anniversary.
Sandra's uncle-had to dig a little to get a sob store. "I love him he was with my mom when she died". Guess the US Military couldn't spare her husband for the weekend.
Colby's brother Reid
Perv with her dad, Mike,
Jerri with her sister, Jennifer who is from Germany.
The challenge is to scoop water, throw it at your loved one and fill up a bucket of water. Wanna know what you're playing for? At trip to a BLOWHOLE. hahahahhahahah. As if they don't get enough of blowholes back at camp. Oh, and they get to take the phone with them to CAPTURE THE MEMORIES. Because the Palm Pre has a PHONE. Woooooow. How innovative! Let me throw my iPhone right out and git me one.
Ok they toss the water. Colby the lame is mad that his brother has no water catching talent. Russell's wife is unexpectedly good at catching things thrown at her from Russell.
Jerri and her sister win reward! She gets to chose someone to join them. She picks Perv. "Can I chose one more, puleeeaaassseee Jeff?" Okkkkaaaaaayyyyyyy. She chooses Sandra. LOL. Troll is PISSED. "She just screwed up". Off camera you see the Troll's wife handing Jerri a $20 bill as thank you.
At the blowhole, some Samoan actor hands them coconuts to throw in the blowholes and then they watch the coconuts fly in the air from the blowhole. All captured on their PALM PRE (ding). They also get donuts and cookies. WTF?? I could get that at the after church reception, well only if offered on Christmas or Easter. Perv and the gals talk. Jerri-Russell is totally gonna be mad at me now. Perv tells her she is under her and Sandra's protection now. Not to worry!!
Back at camp, Russell is fuming. "I haven't beaten, I mean SEEN my wife in 40 days!". Rupert is feeding the fire. Troll: "I've been taking care of Jerri this whole time-been dragging her through the mud the whole way". Russell offers Colby and Rupert final 3. LOL. Yea, I believe that. Rupert: "I want to believe him, but he's a Villain. But, he's the only Villain I got".
Women return to camp. Russell and Colby are asleep, Rupert is up working around camp. Making noise and everyone is mad. LOL-Sellman, I KNOW you can relate to that. Jerri is especially pissed, she wants Rupert gone. Jerri talks to Russell, asks him if he was mad. "Nope". He tells her he wants to take her to the top.
"I control the game because I control Jerri. I'm not telling Jerri about voting Perv out".
Immunity Challenge: Light Blue. It's the hold two poles in your outstretched hands challenge. I think they played this in the POW camps in Viet Nam. Colby the lame lasts 15 seconds. Sandra less than a minute. Russell, out. Jerri, out. After 17 minutes, Rupert drops his and Perv wins immunity! Rupert " Plan B is Sandra".
Back at camp. Troll "It's Rupert since Perv is staying" "I have to go back to the girls". He CLEARLY did not learn his lesson last season about pissing the entire friggin jury off.
Sandra tells Rupert it's Russell. Rupert RUNS AS FAST AS HIS FAT LITTLE LEGS CAN CARRY HIM to the troll to rat her out. Tells him Sandra is pushing for it hard. Russell's head spins around 3 times and he spits green vomit out. Russell confronts Sandra and Perv in the shelter, asks Sandra if she's with him or against him. She laughs and says, "I'm against you". Russell threatens Sandra, and Perv and Sandra laugh at him. Sandra yells, "Rupert, loose lips sink ships". Russell tells Rupert and Jerri that he wants to get rid of Sandra. Rupert's totally fine with that.
Tribal: Dark blue.
Sandra-wassup with last week? Rupert tried to stir stuff up between me and Russell.
Russell-Rupert told me Sandra was trying to throw me under the bus
Sandra-are you with me or not?
Russell-I don't trust you
Sandra-I'm against you.
Perv-it is no longer Heroes vs Villains, Jeff.
Jeff-is there a benefit to switching alliances?
Perv-it needs to be all villains at the end
Rupert-you are going to want a hero in the final to prove how villainous you are by voting out your alliance.
Time to vote. Before Jeff even asks, Sandra pulls the idol out of her bra. "I'd hate to go home with this".
Rupert is the next person voted off.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Amazing Race Finale!
Wooohooo, congrats to Lori Dark Mcgee and the Gaybros, winner of the Spring 2010 Amazing Race! And, I think we all won as Miss Teen South Carolina taught us all a lesson about laughing at the dumb beauty queens among us. IT'S FUN AS HELL.
Ok, so the final 3 teams ended up in Shanghai (for like DAYS I think), and had to fly to San Francisco as their final destination. Does Phil friggin live in San Fran?? This is a repeat of a past race with a Presidio final.
Everyone, surprise surprise, is on the same place to SF. Gaybros are all excited because it's a gay friendly town. Apparently the flight crew is gay friendly as well (AND AGAIN, NO SURPRISE THERE), and the g'bros move up to first class to be closer to the front of the plane.
In SF they have to solve a riddle (which if done right leads to the Coit tower). Brent and Caite, every the politically correct nice couple, bitch about getting a non-english taxi driver. This from a girl that said, "such as, the Iraq" in perfectly understandable english. The cowboys bought a book in Shanghai, "The Smart Guide to SF", mostly to avoid (hmmmm or is it secretly find) the gay areas.
Brent and the Hater are lost. They're freaking out. Hater calls Brent a dumb ass, and tells him she wants to punch him in the face. Ahhh, I am seeing a double wide with lots of action of a drunken Friday night in their futures.
Gaybros get to Coit: it's a roadblock. One of them has to climb the 120 ft vertical tower. Daniel does it. Don't ask me which one is Daniel. Cowboys arrive about the time the Gaybros finish-they have to find the Yoda Statue at the Industrial Light and Magic studios.
Brent and the hater finally get the first clue, and stop at at hotel to ask what it means.
Star Wars GEEK FESTIVAL. Talk amongst yourselves, what is more gay Star Trek or Star Wars? You may use diagrams. At ILM Yoda gives out the clue and C3P0 leads the teams inside. Inside ILM, one team member has to wear a special onesie -oh, sorry, the proper name is a "Motion Capture Shirt". The other team member has to lead the first one in an animated computer game thingy. Cowboys finish BUT you have to spin to read the final clue. Gaybros arrive, and the one at the computer starts to randomly say shit to throw off the Cowboy. LOL. The gaybro finished as well, BUT he has to wait for the Cowboy to move out of the spot so he can read the clue. Gaybro watches the Cowboy turn in a circle the entire time but never thinks to say to his partner, "hey I wonder if I have to freaking spin too so you can read it". Meanwhile Little Miss Hater makes up some time. Damnit.
Teams now have to go to the famous Tonga Room. Never heard of it myself. You have to get a trunk and carry it to your next destination. I think R2D2 is inside and get all excited. Cowboys and Brent/Hater are neck and neck but the brain trust forgot their money and stuff and have to go back. YESSSSS.
Gaybros arrive first. The trunk is full of 11 "posters" of the legs of the race, and who was kicked off, and they have to put it in order. One of the gaybros has the order all written down. The final clue is another riddle, but is totally lame and leads to Candlestick Park. The cowboys arrive...Gaybros need a taxi...Cowboys are confused.........They finish........
It's a taxi chase (or we are supposed to believe it is).......the winners are.............the GAYBROS!!!.. Wooohooooo!! Cowboys come in second. It's a total I love you man brokeback moment. Brent and Caite come in 3rd. The nasty lesbian won't even clap. They are still fighting with Caite as the credits roll.
Ok, so the final 3 teams ended up in Shanghai (for like DAYS I think), and had to fly to San Francisco as their final destination. Does Phil friggin live in San Fran?? This is a repeat of a past race with a Presidio final.
Everyone, surprise surprise, is on the same place to SF. Gaybros are all excited because it's a gay friendly town. Apparently the flight crew is gay friendly as well (AND AGAIN, NO SURPRISE THERE), and the g'bros move up to first class to be closer to the front of the plane.
In SF they have to solve a riddle (which if done right leads to the Coit tower). Brent and Caite, every the politically correct nice couple, bitch about getting a non-english taxi driver. This from a girl that said, "such as, the Iraq" in perfectly understandable english. The cowboys bought a book in Shanghai, "The Smart Guide to SF", mostly to avoid (hmmmm or is it secretly find) the gay areas.
Brent and the Hater are lost. They're freaking out. Hater calls Brent a dumb ass, and tells him she wants to punch him in the face. Ahhh, I am seeing a double wide with lots of action of a drunken Friday night in their futures.
Gaybros get to Coit: it's a roadblock. One of them has to climb the 120 ft vertical tower. Daniel does it. Don't ask me which one is Daniel. Cowboys arrive about the time the Gaybros finish-they have to find the Yoda Statue at the Industrial Light and Magic studios.
Brent and the hater finally get the first clue, and stop at at hotel to ask what it means.
Star Wars GEEK FESTIVAL. Talk amongst yourselves, what is more gay Star Trek or Star Wars? You may use diagrams. At ILM Yoda gives out the clue and C3P0 leads the teams inside. Inside ILM, one team member has to wear a special onesie -oh, sorry, the proper name is a "Motion Capture Shirt". The other team member has to lead the first one in an animated computer game thingy. Cowboys finish BUT you have to spin to read the final clue. Gaybros arrive, and the one at the computer starts to randomly say shit to throw off the Cowboy. LOL. The gaybro finished as well, BUT he has to wait for the Cowboy to move out of the spot so he can read the clue. Gaybro watches the Cowboy turn in a circle the entire time but never thinks to say to his partner, "hey I wonder if I have to freaking spin too so you can read it". Meanwhile Little Miss Hater makes up some time. Damnit.
Teams now have to go to the famous Tonga Room. Never heard of it myself. You have to get a trunk and carry it to your next destination. I think R2D2 is inside and get all excited. Cowboys and Brent/Hater are neck and neck but the brain trust forgot their money and stuff and have to go back. YESSSSS.
Gaybros arrive first. The trunk is full of 11 "posters" of the legs of the race, and who was kicked off, and they have to put it in order. One of the gaybros has the order all written down. The final clue is another riddle, but is totally lame and leads to Candlestick Park. The cowboys arrive...Gaybros need a taxi...Cowboys are confused.........They finish........
It's a taxi chase (or we are supposed to believe it is).......the winners are.............the GAYBROS!!!.. Wooohooooo!! Cowboys come in second. It's a total I love you man brokeback moment. Brent and Caite come in 3rd. The nasty lesbian won't even clap. They are still fighting with Caite as the credits roll.
Survivor on Speed
Ok people, buckle up, we're rushing towards Sunday's finale with two challenges and two tribal councils tonight!
Jeff voice over: Russell has achieved his goals with lies and deception". Just the way we like him. However, he is "super paranoid, wasting his idol last week".
Heroes think Candace is weak. Or, maybe just a back stabbing opportunist BITCH who Matt says is "dead to him". LOL. Still laughing about that. She's "pitiful and belongs on the Villain team", which is fortunate for her since that is the WINNING team.
Rupert thinks Russell is a disgusting human. He and Russell are in an out and out fight. Troll: "Ima villain, here to make your life hell. I'm the second coming of Christ". Ok, that's overboard even for me. "I want Rupert gone".
Immunity challenge #1: Jeff is in dark blue. It's the stand with one hand up, tied onto a rope with a bucket of water, or as we like to call it in our house, Saturday night. Jeff is going to challenge them. Jeff, I will let go for a little action in the woods. Pick me Pick me!!
Sandra and Russell step out for cookies and milk. Colby goes for 4 donuts and iced coffee. 35 minutes go by. PBJ, chips, candy and milk-Danielle, Candace and Jerri share this. It's down to Rupert and Perv. Let me just say FOR THE RECORD, that even though I think Perv is a snake, she does work it in the challenges. Rupert falls, and Perv once again wins immunity.
But wait!! There's a twist!! It's an immunity note that the Probster reads to everyone. Ahhhh, I love it when he reads me a bedtime story.
Back at camp and they are like ants on a picnic blanket looking for that idol. Sandra finds it. Rupert: "even if I don't have an idol, I can play like I do". He puts something in his pocket and strolls away. Russell thinks Rupert has it. Tells Sandra they need to split the votes 3-3, but Jerri wants Candace gone, Danielle wants Colby.
Tribal.
Candace: I did not join the villains. I was not the one that switched.
Colby: Bullshit.
Is it Rupert of Colby tonight? Troll says yep, Rupert is the consensus.
Rupert: I stayed until the idol was found.
Time to vote.......anyone have an idol??? Nope. Candace is voted out. Which is OK since she was dead to Matt anyway.
Russell: we just blew it, it was a stupid idea. Jerri: "then you should have stopped it". Troll:" I'm not fully in control but ima gonna take control so fast they won't know what hit them.
BANG, we're back to another challenge. Seriously, why all the rush?? It seems like a new challenge to me. Ya gotta dig up pegs, and then use them in a table maze then some wall thngy. But, alas, it's still just a puzzle challenge.
I'll spare you the drama. Russell wins immunity. And, when Jeff puts the necklace on him, they both burst into flames of hatred. Ok, I made that up.
They return to camp in the rain. Perv wants Rupert gone, she wants "no heroes left". Russell wants to break up Danielle and Perv, which is actually a decent strategy. He talks to both Danielle and Perv, working both. He and Perv argue: "If you talk to Danielle you are out of this game". Seriously, you can see how Russell recently got arrested for knocking a woman to the ground. And, I'm betting it was his mother.
Perv talks to Danielle- "Russell is a liar"
Russell is worried about Danielle and Perv. "As soon as we get rid of Danielle, Perv will be so scared she'll stick to me". Russell talks to Rupert.
Danielle and Perv talk to Jerri. "I'm voting for Rupert". Troll: "Vote Danielle or you are next". Which is ridiculous since she is probably next anyway.
Tribal: Dark blue.
Rupert: Who's running the show? Perv or Russell
Danielle: I'm not sure of that, the villains make joint decisions. Uhuh.
Jerri is it peaceful around camp? Hell no! As you can see, Jeff, I haven't had my beauty sleep in many moons
Perv: Russell told me Danielle was trying to blindside me. Russell is trying to trust loyalty
Danielle: LIAR. The 3 of us are in an alliance! Why is he testing me. boooohooooo. I'm a wreck and exhausted, and I have facial hair. I don't know why Russell is trying to mess with it all. I'm closer to Perv than you all think (boy I wish we had time to explore THAT LITTLE NUGGET).
Jerri is just sitting back sucking this up!!
Time to vote: Rupert 3, Danielle 4. "The villains are not one big happy family!!
Jeff voice over: Russell has achieved his goals with lies and deception". Just the way we like him. However, he is "super paranoid, wasting his idol last week".
Heroes think Candace is weak. Or, maybe just a back stabbing opportunist BITCH who Matt says is "dead to him". LOL. Still laughing about that. She's "pitiful and belongs on the Villain team", which is fortunate for her since that is the WINNING team.
Rupert thinks Russell is a disgusting human. He and Russell are in an out and out fight. Troll: "Ima villain, here to make your life hell. I'm the second coming of Christ". Ok, that's overboard even for me. "I want Rupert gone".
Immunity challenge #1: Jeff is in dark blue. It's the stand with one hand up, tied onto a rope with a bucket of water, or as we like to call it in our house, Saturday night. Jeff is going to challenge them. Jeff, I will let go for a little action in the woods. Pick me Pick me!!
Sandra and Russell step out for cookies and milk. Colby goes for 4 donuts and iced coffee. 35 minutes go by. PBJ, chips, candy and milk-Danielle, Candace and Jerri share this. It's down to Rupert and Perv. Let me just say FOR THE RECORD, that even though I think Perv is a snake, she does work it in the challenges. Rupert falls, and Perv once again wins immunity.
But wait!! There's a twist!! It's an immunity note that the Probster reads to everyone. Ahhhh, I love it when he reads me a bedtime story.
Back at camp and they are like ants on a picnic blanket looking for that idol. Sandra finds it. Rupert: "even if I don't have an idol, I can play like I do". He puts something in his pocket and strolls away. Russell thinks Rupert has it. Tells Sandra they need to split the votes 3-3, but Jerri wants Candace gone, Danielle wants Colby.
Tribal.
Candace: I did not join the villains. I was not the one that switched.
Colby: Bullshit.
Is it Rupert of Colby tonight? Troll says yep, Rupert is the consensus.
Rupert: I stayed until the idol was found.
Time to vote.......anyone have an idol??? Nope. Candace is voted out. Which is OK since she was dead to Matt anyway.
Russell: we just blew it, it was a stupid idea. Jerri: "then you should have stopped it". Troll:" I'm not fully in control but ima gonna take control so fast they won't know what hit them.
BANG, we're back to another challenge. Seriously, why all the rush?? It seems like a new challenge to me. Ya gotta dig up pegs, and then use them in a table maze then some wall thngy. But, alas, it's still just a puzzle challenge.
I'll spare you the drama. Russell wins immunity. And, when Jeff puts the necklace on him, they both burst into flames of hatred. Ok, I made that up.
They return to camp in the rain. Perv wants Rupert gone, she wants "no heroes left". Russell wants to break up Danielle and Perv, which is actually a decent strategy. He talks to both Danielle and Perv, working both. He and Perv argue: "If you talk to Danielle you are out of this game". Seriously, you can see how Russell recently got arrested for knocking a woman to the ground. And, I'm betting it was his mother.
Perv talks to Danielle- "Russell is a liar"
Russell is worried about Danielle and Perv. "As soon as we get rid of Danielle, Perv will be so scared she'll stick to me". Russell talks to Rupert.
Danielle and Perv talk to Jerri. "I'm voting for Rupert". Troll: "Vote Danielle or you are next". Which is ridiculous since she is probably next anyway.
Tribal: Dark blue.
Rupert: Who's running the show? Perv or Russell
Danielle: I'm not sure of that, the villains make joint decisions. Uhuh.
Jerri is it peaceful around camp? Hell no! As you can see, Jeff, I haven't had my beauty sleep in many moons
Perv: Russell told me Danielle was trying to blindside me. Russell is trying to trust loyalty
Danielle: LIAR. The 3 of us are in an alliance! Why is he testing me. boooohooooo. I'm a wreck and exhausted, and I have facial hair. I don't know why Russell is trying to mess with it all. I'm closer to Perv than you all think (boy I wish we had time to explore THAT LITTLE NUGGET).
Jerri is just sitting back sucking this up!!
Time to vote: Rupert 3, Danielle 4. "The villains are not one big happy family!!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Amazing Race: And then there were 3
And then there were 3. Is tonight the finale?
Ok, so I missed the update last week, and didn't get to comment on the noodle making with the dwarf, or the fact that the detective was completely unable to finish a puzzle. Detectives came in last place BUT it was a non eeeeelimination round. They have to do a speedbump this week.
We're in Shanghai. Phil's wearing gloves so it must be cold. He's at the last pit stop, which was the science and technology museum. See, if this were America? It would be the TV and internet GAMES museum, because Americans do not value science or technology (unless it's oil rigs-oh, whoops).
Teams have to find the Garden Bridge, which no one but Americans calls the Garden Bridge. They call it WibiduChow, which sounds nothing like GAAARRRRRDDDDDEEEEENNNNNNN BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDGGGGGEEEEEE no matter how loud or slowly you keep saying it. Cowboys are first to leave, and hey this is a good time to talk about Cord getting kicked in the head by a cow horn. Ok, so what's Jet's problem?? They get directed to a park.
Ah, Brent and Miss USA are next to leave. Let's bring up A-FREAKING-GAIN that she made a horses ASS of herself on the pageant. She is convinced her brilliance shown on the Amazing Race is going to make everyone forget about THE IRAQ. Hmmm, maybe the first step is to stop bringing it up yourself, Caite. Nobody they ask knows where it is.
The cowboys get to the bridge, but it's the wrong one. Caite and Brent find someone to translate. They are off to find a cab. They do a gay fist pump. Cowboys get in a taxi, and he doesn't know where the bridge is.
Gaybros leave. They are all freaked and lost.
Brent and Caite find the bridge. Travel to the Lonhau Temple-and there's a speedbump there. No taxi allowed. B/C get out a map and take a bus. Once again Caite has to mouth off on how smart she is because she can read a friggin map. "So people you can go screw yourselves". Ah, the cocky bird sometimes get the wrong end of the worm. Confucius. You can use that on your FB status, Karen.
Gaybros find some fat Chinese dude exercising one leg and they go back and forth 10 times each saying the word BRIDGE. LOL. He asks Gaybros "where is the garden bridge??" LOL. They decide to go back and get Mike and Louis to ride off their coattails. "We love you, and we have been walking around for 2 hours because we want to hang with you dudes". They get up high and attempt to look for the bridge with binoculars.
Brent and the Rhoades Scholar find the Temple. Roadblock: teams must enter the "hole" and count the number of gold statues to find enlightenment. The Scholar goes in to count. "I'm glad Caite has another chance to prove how smart she is". LOL. She counts in vertical lines, but gets confused. Goes back to count horizontally. Brent is people watching outside. The scholar gets it wrong first time.
Cowboys are looking for the metro. While a million buses go by. The detectives/gaybros see a sign with two jackets hanging off. They head over, and ...not it.
Caite gets it wrong for a second time. D'oh!
Detective finds a group of kids, asks them to call the translation service and they get it. The Gaybros try to get their taxi driver to follow. Not working well... Follow...follow...follow. Hint: in a foreign country it is always worthwhile to keep yelling the same word in English. They are having a shit fit.
The Scholar gets it wrong again for the 3rd time. Cowboys find the Temple, Brent is kinda hiding. They can't find the clue box. Meanwhile Caite is counting again. She keeps missing the TWO BIG ASS GOLDEN STATUES BY THE DOOR. Jet counts ALL of the statues and gets it. Rhoades Scholar finally figures it out. They have to take motorcycles to Yuyuan gardens. "I'm from a town with one traffic light and it's flashing". After the taxi ride they have to find a garden. Oooh, Caite gets to show she is also a dramatic actress as she racially mocks the Chinese for coming up to her and saying, "oh, you wanna buy this? you wanna buy this? me love you long time". Ok, I added that last one in.
Amazingly the Gaybros find the Detectives taxi, and the Bridge clue. Ask how to get there and all 4 take the same bus. Clearly the race for last place is ON.
Cowboys find the clue. Detour: Pork chops or Pork dumplings. Chops: teams make their way to a store that sells stamps, called chops. They have to look for a stamp with a pig and each of their names on the bottom. Dumplings: pick up and deliver 10 orders of dumplings. Cowboys do chops. As do Brent and Caite. But Brent has to pee and Caite won't let him. "Just hold it". She's a bitch.
Speedbump: Perform a local good luck ritual-toss a coin in an incense burner. Detectives are off to do that. Meanwhile, the Bros are counting gold statues. I'm not even sure this speedbump takes 2 whole minutes. Off to count. Louis is a mathematical genius.
I gotta pee. Nope. She finally lets him pee. After they leave, the cowboys find Brent's piece and hide it.
Bro counts right. They are off to the motorcycles. The gaybro likes the part about straddling and holding on to a Chinese man on the bike. Niiiiice. The math genius gets it wrong. Back to count after 10 minute wait. He re-reads the clue while waiting and then goes in, writes down 523 and they finish.
Jet finds his stamp. Brent finds his. "Baby I got mine. It's huge, just like everything else". Caite finds hers, then Cord finds his. "Make your way to the pit stop". It's a taxi-off. Brent: "they don't even understand their own language".
Riverfront. They are racing to find Phil. Fuck. Brent and Caite are team #1. "Yeah!! I'm so smart!!" They win a trip to Spain. Whatever. She's the only woman and she's eeestatic. Whatever that means. "I have proved I am intelligent". Cowboys are team #2. "if we win, do we get buckles? I hope so. Amazing Race Champion buckles".
Gaybros are doing the stamps. As are the detectives. It's a stamp off. "This is like impossible". Shut up and look. Jordon finds his. The gaybros get some girls to walk them to a taxi and give directions. Detectives get theirs. "We gotta go very fast my friend".
Gaybros are team #3!! Good luck to our final 3 tonight: Lori, Donna, Kevin and Matt and Amy!!!!!
1. Brent and Caite Donna
2. Jet and Cord Kevin and Matt
3. Dan and Jordon Lori
Out
4. Louis and Michael Amy
5. Carol and Brandy Elayne
6. Joe and Heidi Becky and Mary
7. Jordon and Jeff Joanne
8. Steve and Allie Ginnie
9. Monique and Shawne Terri
10. Jodi and Shannon Jeff and Eileen
11. Dana and Adrian Karen and John
Ok, so I missed the update last week, and didn't get to comment on the noodle making with the dwarf, or the fact that the detective was completely unable to finish a puzzle. Detectives came in last place BUT it was a non eeeeelimination round. They have to do a speedbump this week.
We're in Shanghai. Phil's wearing gloves so it must be cold. He's at the last pit stop, which was the science and technology museum. See, if this were America? It would be the TV and internet GAMES museum, because Americans do not value science or technology (unless it's oil rigs-oh, whoops).
Teams have to find the Garden Bridge, which no one but Americans calls the Garden Bridge. They call it WibiduChow, which sounds nothing like GAAARRRRRDDDDDEEEEENNNNNNN BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDGGGGGEEEEEE no matter how loud or slowly you keep saying it. Cowboys are first to leave, and hey this is a good time to talk about Cord getting kicked in the head by a cow horn. Ok, so what's Jet's problem?? They get directed to a park.
Ah, Brent and Miss USA are next to leave. Let's bring up A-FREAKING-GAIN that she made a horses ASS of herself on the pageant. She is convinced her brilliance shown on the Amazing Race is going to make everyone forget about THE IRAQ. Hmmm, maybe the first step is to stop bringing it up yourself, Caite. Nobody they ask knows where it is.
The cowboys get to the bridge, but it's the wrong one. Caite and Brent find someone to translate. They are off to find a cab. They do a gay fist pump. Cowboys get in a taxi, and he doesn't know where the bridge is.
Gaybros leave. They are all freaked and lost.
Brent and Caite find the bridge. Travel to the Lonhau Temple-and there's a speedbump there. No taxi allowed. B/C get out a map and take a bus. Once again Caite has to mouth off on how smart she is because she can read a friggin map. "So people you can go screw yourselves". Ah, the cocky bird sometimes get the wrong end of the worm. Confucius. You can use that on your FB status, Karen.
Gaybros find some fat Chinese dude exercising one leg and they go back and forth 10 times each saying the word BRIDGE. LOL. He asks Gaybros "where is the garden bridge??" LOL. They decide to go back and get Mike and Louis to ride off their coattails. "We love you, and we have been walking around for 2 hours because we want to hang with you dudes". They get up high and attempt to look for the bridge with binoculars.
Brent and the Rhoades Scholar find the Temple. Roadblock: teams must enter the "hole" and count the number of gold statues to find enlightenment. The Scholar goes in to count. "I'm glad Caite has another chance to prove how smart she is". LOL. She counts in vertical lines, but gets confused. Goes back to count horizontally. Brent is people watching outside. The scholar gets it wrong first time.
Cowboys are looking for the metro. While a million buses go by. The detectives/gaybros see a sign with two jackets hanging off. They head over, and ...not it.
Caite gets it wrong for a second time. D'oh!
Detective finds a group of kids, asks them to call the translation service and they get it. The Gaybros try to get their taxi driver to follow. Not working well... Follow...follow...follow. Hint: in a foreign country it is always worthwhile to keep yelling the same word in English. They are having a shit fit.
The Scholar gets it wrong again for the 3rd time. Cowboys find the Temple, Brent is kinda hiding. They can't find the clue box. Meanwhile Caite is counting again. She keeps missing the TWO BIG ASS GOLDEN STATUES BY THE DOOR. Jet counts ALL of the statues and gets it. Rhoades Scholar finally figures it out. They have to take motorcycles to Yuyuan gardens. "I'm from a town with one traffic light and it's flashing". After the taxi ride they have to find a garden. Oooh, Caite gets to show she is also a dramatic actress as she racially mocks the Chinese for coming up to her and saying, "oh, you wanna buy this? you wanna buy this? me love you long time". Ok, I added that last one in.
Amazingly the Gaybros find the Detectives taxi, and the Bridge clue. Ask how to get there and all 4 take the same bus. Clearly the race for last place is ON.
Cowboys find the clue. Detour: Pork chops or Pork dumplings. Chops: teams make their way to a store that sells stamps, called chops. They have to look for a stamp with a pig and each of their names on the bottom. Dumplings: pick up and deliver 10 orders of dumplings. Cowboys do chops. As do Brent and Caite. But Brent has to pee and Caite won't let him. "Just hold it". She's a bitch.
Speedbump: Perform a local good luck ritual-toss a coin in an incense burner. Detectives are off to do that. Meanwhile, the Bros are counting gold statues. I'm not even sure this speedbump takes 2 whole minutes. Off to count. Louis is a mathematical genius.
I gotta pee. Nope. She finally lets him pee. After they leave, the cowboys find Brent's piece and hide it.
Bro counts right. They are off to the motorcycles. The gaybro likes the part about straddling and holding on to a Chinese man on the bike. Niiiiice. The math genius gets it wrong. Back to count after 10 minute wait. He re-reads the clue while waiting and then goes in, writes down 523 and they finish.
Jet finds his stamp. Brent finds his. "Baby I got mine. It's huge, just like everything else". Caite finds hers, then Cord finds his. "Make your way to the pit stop". It's a taxi-off. Brent: "they don't even understand their own language".
Riverfront. They are racing to find Phil. Fuck. Brent and Caite are team #1. "Yeah!! I'm so smart!!" They win a trip to Spain. Whatever. She's the only woman and she's eeestatic. Whatever that means. "I have proved I am intelligent". Cowboys are team #2. "if we win, do we get buckles? I hope so. Amazing Race Champion buckles".
Gaybros are doing the stamps. As are the detectives. It's a stamp off. "This is like impossible". Shut up and look. Jordon finds his. The gaybros get some girls to walk them to a taxi and give directions. Detectives get theirs. "We gotta go very fast my friend".
Gaybros are team #3!! Good luck to our final 3 tonight: Lori, Donna, Kevin and Matt and Amy!!!!!
1. Brent and Caite Donna
2. Jet and Cord Kevin and Matt
3. Dan and Jordon Lori
Out
4. Louis and Michael Amy
5. Carol and Brandy Elayne
6. Joe and Heidi Becky and Mary
7. Jordon and Jeff Joanne
8. Steve and Allie Ginnie
9. Monique and Shawne Terri
10. Jodi and Shannon Jeff and Eileen
11. Dana and Adrian Karen and John
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Survivor Update: Another Dumb Blonde
It's Thursday!! That time of the week when we see if I have any memory of last week's show. ONE OF THESE DAYS I will not wait until the last minute to write this up.
Sooooo, the Troll found himself a little outplayed at last week's tribal council when Pervhottie pulled not one but TWO idols out of her bag. "I didn't know Perv had an idol". He confronts her, "you lied to me".
He's all CRAZY EYED PISSED.
Perv: "I wanted him to feel out of control".
Amanda wants the gang of heroes to work on Sandra. Kinda late, doncha think?? Rupert wanted to trust her from the beginning, but it's going to be hard to bring her back in.
Troll: "The ship is sinking". He decides to work his hot madness on Candace. He likes those dumb blondes, remember? He offers her a deal. He tells Danielle and Perv that he wants to bring in Candace and get rid of Sandra.
Challenge: Jeff is in light blue. Ah, it's a shuffleboard throw down. LOL. Wanna know what you're playing for? A trip to the Treasure Island home of Robert Lewis Stephenson. Perv wants to win because she thinks there's probably another idol clue. I hate this whole idol thing.
3 teams: Candace, Perv and Jerri; Sandra, Troll and Rupert; and Colby, Amanda and Danielle. Ahhh, we have apparently found Colby's sport! He gets the last shot for the win.
Ok, so Colby, Amanda and the bearded Danielle go off to Treasure Island. Amanda is hell bent on looking for the idol. They all get in bed and watch..... Treasure Island. Danielle finds the note in the bowl of popcorn, which is WHY one should never share popcorn. Danielle suavely hides the note on the floor beside the bed, and Amanda finds it on the floor. Girl on Girl action!! And, Colby is watching the movie. Colby is a total pussy, and Amanda has to give the clue back to Danielle. Ridunculous. Possession is 9/10ths if the law. LOL.
Back @ Camp yingyang, Troll and Perv are all over Danielle to see if she has the clue, and if anyone else knows. They obviously did. They run off to find it. Etroll finds it, and hides it. He runs off, "I'm the king of idols".
It's raining. I have no idea why I thought that was significant. Russell tells Candace "I trust you, we're final 3".
Sandra and Colby talk. "Danielle or Perv have to go. We need you". They think Danielle has the idol. Sandra tells Rupert Russell is the one. "Your girls need to stick with you". Rupert " Russell is a piece of garbage".
Immunity-medium blue. It's the Brady Bunch, who gets to use the green stamp house of card challenge! Jan, watch your bracelet!
Jerri gets hers to 6'. then she and Russell are both at 8 foot. (they have to build to 10 feet). High drama. Russell runs out of cards, and Jerri wins her first immunity ever.
Back @ camp: Troll "Ruppert and Colby are done". Amanda gets all aggressive, she has to go". Candace: "Either way I vote makes me a target, I have to go with the troll".
Sandra says Russell. All agree, BUT Candace tells him about it. Troll confronts Sandra, she says, "no, it's Amanda". "If either of them flip on me I go home".
Sandra tells the group, "We're screwed by Candace". We're voting Perv. Who's gonna tell amanda. Is Candace in or out?? Sandra works on Candace HARD. Russell tries to interrupt.
Tribal.
Rupert: How do you make a Villain jump ship? No chance.
Sandra: Best bet is to stay with your tribe, but everyone knows I'm on the outside
Jeff: It ain't paradise on the Villain side
Troll: We all play each way.
Rupert: I wish I knew there was distrust. Well, open your FRIGGIN EYES.
Colby: Danielle has an idol
Time to vote. Russell plays the idol. Amanda is the next person voted out.
Troll tells Perv: I had to. She rolls her eyes, "You just wasted an idol".
Sooooo, the Troll found himself a little outplayed at last week's tribal council when Pervhottie pulled not one but TWO idols out of her bag. "I didn't know Perv had an idol". He confronts her, "you lied to me".
He's all CRAZY EYED PISSED.
Perv: "I wanted him to feel out of control".
Amanda wants the gang of heroes to work on Sandra. Kinda late, doncha think?? Rupert wanted to trust her from the beginning, but it's going to be hard to bring her back in.
Troll: "The ship is sinking". He decides to work his hot madness on Candace. He likes those dumb blondes, remember? He offers her a deal. He tells Danielle and Perv that he wants to bring in Candace and get rid of Sandra.
Challenge: Jeff is in light blue. Ah, it's a shuffleboard throw down. LOL. Wanna know what you're playing for? A trip to the Treasure Island home of Robert Lewis Stephenson. Perv wants to win because she thinks there's probably another idol clue. I hate this whole idol thing.
3 teams: Candace, Perv and Jerri; Sandra, Troll and Rupert; and Colby, Amanda and Danielle. Ahhh, we have apparently found Colby's sport! He gets the last shot for the win.
Ok, so Colby, Amanda and the bearded Danielle go off to Treasure Island. Amanda is hell bent on looking for the idol. They all get in bed and watch..... Treasure Island. Danielle finds the note in the bowl of popcorn, which is WHY one should never share popcorn. Danielle suavely hides the note on the floor beside the bed, and Amanda finds it on the floor. Girl on Girl action!! And, Colby is watching the movie. Colby is a total pussy, and Amanda has to give the clue back to Danielle. Ridunculous. Possession is 9/10ths if the law. LOL.
Back @ Camp yingyang, Troll and Perv are all over Danielle to see if she has the clue, and if anyone else knows. They obviously did. They run off to find it. Etroll finds it, and hides it. He runs off, "I'm the king of idols".
It's raining. I have no idea why I thought that was significant. Russell tells Candace "I trust you, we're final 3".
Sandra and Colby talk. "Danielle or Perv have to go. We need you". They think Danielle has the idol. Sandra tells Rupert Russell is the one. "Your girls need to stick with you". Rupert " Russell is a piece of garbage".
Immunity-medium blue. It's the Brady Bunch, who gets to use the green stamp house of card challenge! Jan, watch your bracelet!
Jerri gets hers to 6'. then she and Russell are both at 8 foot. (they have to build to 10 feet). High drama. Russell runs out of cards, and Jerri wins her first immunity ever.
Back @ camp: Troll "Ruppert and Colby are done". Amanda gets all aggressive, she has to go". Candace: "Either way I vote makes me a target, I have to go with the troll".
Sandra says Russell. All agree, BUT Candace tells him about it. Troll confronts Sandra, she says, "no, it's Amanda". "If either of them flip on me I go home".
Sandra tells the group, "We're screwed by Candace". We're voting Perv. Who's gonna tell amanda. Is Candace in or out?? Sandra works on Candace HARD. Russell tries to interrupt.
Tribal.
Rupert: How do you make a Villain jump ship? No chance.
Sandra: Best bet is to stay with your tribe, but everyone knows I'm on the outside
Jeff: It ain't paradise on the Villain side
Troll: We all play each way.
Rupert: I wish I knew there was distrust. Well, open your FRIGGIN EYES.
Colby: Danielle has an idol
Time to vote. Russell plays the idol. Amanda is the next person voted out.
Troll tells Perv: I had to. She rolls her eyes, "You just wasted an idol".
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