So, 11 ho's are left. Chris tells us (in his striped shirt with the turned back floral on the inside cuffs) that there is a one on one, a group shame date AND a two on one to the death cage match. Sweeeeeeeet. Ohh, they're all worried about the cage match!
But first, pack your bags!! Brad has already run away and we are stalking him in Las Vegas. Scream!! Las Vegas, Vegas Baby, ooooohh Sin City!! What happens in Vegas is now broadcast on abc. They are staying at the Aria hotel. Brad appears in 2 "interviews" minutes apart. In one he's in red and blue checks, and in the other he's in black and white. Seriously, my GAYDAR is going off this week WOOOOPWOOOOP.
Brad shows them to their suite. They each get 1 inch of champagne. He leaves a date card with the ho's. "I'm excited to see THIS woman". Seriously, just toss a bomb in the room. It's for Chantel N. "Let's End Tonight By Banging". I swear that's what it said. She meets him for the date and jumps into his arms. Already OVER THIS. OH, I forgot to mention, he's in the black and white checked shirt and a vest. He looks fucking Amish. It's the Pretty Woman date-shopping. Appropriate since they really are a bunch of prostitutes. She's really badly dressed so he takes her to a mall and they go on a shopping spree. Brad LOVES shopping. WOOOOPWOOOOP. He tries on a purple velvet jacket. WOOOOPWOOOOP. They shop. She comes out in a horrible silver dress that's all bunchy and cut down to her Brazilian. "This dress is really classy". Bwahahahahahaha.
Back at the brothel, Michelle is letting her fangs out. "This is probably going to be the worst date ever". MEOW. Chantel comes in with a ton of bags and they are all really jealous. Time to get ready for the dinner date. Brad arrives in a suit and tie, and stands around while the ladies fume. Very tense. I really thought one of them was going to spray urine on his back to mark him. Chantel walks down the stairs and they all watch while Brad tells her, "you look incredible". NOTE: Brad knows 2 adjectives. Incredible and Amazing. They go back to the mall, and then up to the rooftop for their date. I kept watching for the Hangover groom to show up. She says, "I have something I need to tell you". Oh CHRIST, who in her family jumped off a rooftop?? Nope, it's the fun "I'm a funeral director and an embalmer" dinner talk. He stops eating. He's fascinated, until she starts getting a little too graphic. The champagne bottle in the corner pops it's cork, but I doubt Brad does tonight. She gets the rose. Fireworks over the Aria. They kiss. It seems a lame kiss. You can see the fireworks from the brothel.
Date Note: Group shame date, "Let's go speed dating". OH CHRIST. Just start drinking now. Everyone but Ashley H and Ashley S get the group date so we know it's gonna be an all Ashley cage match. They are crying because they are "best friends" after a week. Michelle is loving it.
It's a group racetrack date. NASCAR. As in, my DEAD fiance who DIED in a place crash used to race NASCAR. Brad shows up in what the girls call a cute race car outfit. Then they all get changed and come out in a line like a cheesy beer commercial. It's all Emily drama. She is looking uncomfortable. "I need to talk to her". They go off and she says "I'm fine" about 5 times until she spills the DEAD fiance part of the story. "I wanted to leave NASCAR in my trailer park past. Ricki Bobbi was a driver...he crashed on the flight TO THIS VERY RACETRACK. ". What are the odds of THAT, ABC?? Brad "I feel like a jerk". Emily :"I'm usually more fun". She comes back and it's her time to drive. She cries and fondles her ugly pink engagement ring. He comes to her side, she says "I'm fine" about 5 more times then races. She hits the wall and dies. HAHA, not really but it would have been kinda funny, in a sick way.
The date ends with a party, lots of snacks. Brad asks to speak to Emily again. MEOW. The hissing starts. Alli "Does the person with the most pathetic story win"?? Brad and Emily have a totally tense talk. He"s all "I don't know what to say..." He's clearly worried about the DEAD perfect RACECAR driver and whether or not she's over him after 6 years. "It's a hard space for any man to fill". Emily: "There goes another man running for the hills". No kiss.
I think it's Shawntel O that's crying to Brad next. Could be Alli, they all look the same. "It's hard to feel special" "I hate seeing the same girl get all of the attention. Brad: "When I see a woman crying I have to talk to her. Like you now." She says, "that makes me love you more". "Love?? Love?? He's all over that. "If you don't feel for me. send me home". They go back to everyone else. It is a friggin downer date.
Brothel: Date card for the Ashleys. "Come Swing with the King".
Michelle takes Brad aside because it is really really uncomfortable being around 7 women all with PMS. "There are a lot of immature girls here". "I don't want to talk about them" "Whatever. Wanna hump my leg?" "The more I'm with you, Brad, the more I have a crush on you". Kiss. He says he feels a true connection but I think it's just her hand on his crotch. Back to the women. He picks up the rose, and I KNOW Michelle thinks her antics earned her the rose. "Emily can I piss EVERYONE off and steal you away AGAIN?" Hahahahaha, she gets the rose.
Ahhhhh, and now for the Ashley off. "It's gonna be uncomfortable". They go to the Viva Elvis Cirque de Soleil show. Brad is a BIG Cirque de Soleil fan. WOOOOPWOOOOP. They have to learn some routines and perform, BUT only one of the ladies gets to perform and Brad gets to decide. They learn the routines and H (the dentist) is way more fun. S is standing around sucking on a lemon.
Dinner first. I don't know if they even ate, but he has to give one lady a rose. Ashley S, "You're going to make an extraordinary wife, but not mine". H gets the rose. He walks S out for about 10 miles. Puts her in the limo. Comes back in and H jumps up and starts humping HIS leg. He and H do the Elvis show and we see S crying in the limo (and she is a VERY ugly crier) while "Are You Lonesome Tonight" blares. It's lame and endless. OMG, she is wearing a silly band. How friggin old is she??
OMG, speaking of endless, Brad calls his therapist. Blah blah blah psychobabble while we watch Brad listen on the phone for like 20 minutes just saying "uhuh". "You're on a journey my son" "Some very real feelings are forming". Jebuz, let it go!!
Cocktail Party.
You can smell the fear in the room. Or the urine sprayed all around. Brad enters. "I'm here to find my wife. Thanks for being so open and miserable about my journey". Damn, that psych is good.
Shawntel O gets him first. She's a friggin drama queen in a GOD AWFUL dress. Really bad. Really. I think she's hinting for a shopping date too. "I didn't expect to start feeling anything for you...we were all upset because it seemed like you were on a date with Emily..." God!! Women, here's a tip. Men do NOT like women who bitch all the time. "I'm over it now Brad, we're in a good place". "OK, but you have to stop giving me crap". WOW, last week he liked the crap.
Alli sits down and he runs out, gets a bottle of champagne and a little dessert for her. "It has a green ribbon because you wore green on our first meeting. See? I remember you and you are special. I am ill. She's all happy but the MEOW mix is even more miserable than before.
Marissa-I thought she was wearing a tiara at first! Don't really know who she is. She says she's a random texter (aka STALKER) and note giver. She gives him an envelope with some random notes he can enjoy later. Or not... He basically says, "that's creepy".
OMG! Michelle takes him, shuts the door and tells him "Sit" and "No talking". It's very S&M. "You have to start making decisions...some of these girls don't realize what a damn prize you are...I'm different..." And apparently kinky as hell. She got big Brad and "little Brad's" attention. "Go send some girls home...next time we're together you can talk". HOLY BATSHIT!!
Ding ding ding. Thank GOD.
Safe: Chantal, H and Emily
Roses:
Michelle (shit)
Alli (who I just realized looks amazingly like Jennifer Garner)
Britt
Jackie (who the hell is Jackie??)
and Shawntell.
Out:
Lisa
Note giver and text stalker Marissa.
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