Bachelorette: First Impressions

Ok, first of all the first 25 minutes were enough to send me to the bottle. 

"I never let myself go"

Repeat that over and over in as many different ways, and add in Chris Harrison saying, "So, would you say you never really let yourself go?" 

Her voice is so annoying!!  And, let's get all the cattiness out right off the bat.  I do not like her hair.  Do not like the color, do not like the bangs, do not like the falling down curls that look like a prom goer got ripped off.  She was much cuter last season, this season she's looking skankier. 

Oh shit, I forgot she was a Dentist AND a dancer.  So we have to watch an interpretive dance of being dumped by Brad.  Yea, it's that bad.

Ok, let's do a little coverage of some of the bachelors:

Ryan P is into green energy.  He owns a company.  Ready to get married.  I give him a 9.5, although he could crash and burn pretty damn fast.  Might have that too into her stalker thing going.

JP lives in NYC and does construction.  But I take it not in that hang from a structure and whistle at woman way.  He's big into his career.  Has a shaved head, and I'm not into him.

Ames.  He's the total overachiever.  In finance (do people still work in finance??) He went to Yale (but so did Bush...) has 2 masters (so do I BTW) and a PhD.  He apparently had richer parents than I did.  He's been to 70 countries....run 39 marathons...  Yep, he's annoying.

Ben C is a New Orleans laywer.  Wants to find lurve and rates himself as a 215 on the romance scale. Yes, that is why he is on the bach-ette looking for someone to grope on national TV.

Ben F is a 28 year old winemaker, which puts him on the top of my scale for that alone.   Ahhhh, 16 minutes into the show and we have our first dead body.  His Dad is dead.  He's intersted in a well rounded, cultural brunette.  Well, she is brunette...

Bentley-he's our drama for the season. He's from Utah and is a father of a child named after a drink Cozy.  Yes, her name is Cozy.  He's divorced and lives in a fucking big ass house.  He wants the bach-ette to be Emily. 

Ant'ny.  What can I say.  NJ butcher.  100% guido.  He will be showing up mowing the lawns on the Real Housewives of NJ next season.

West.  State prosecuter.  HOLY SHIT.  Minute 18 and we have a widow.  He was happily married for 7 years to a woman with epilepsy, WHO DROWNED IN THE FRIGGIN BATHTUB.  OK, dude, I gotta give you props for a story like that. 

William has a bad dating history.  7 or 8 women have left him and gotten married very quickly.  His dad is also dead (20 minute mark), but was an alcoholic.  William claims his watch mysteriously stopped at the same time as his Dad died.  Hmmmmm.  Were the watch batteries and his pacemaker batteries from the same package??

That's the first group and now Ashley and Chris talk again.  "I spent my time complaining to Brad...I never believed in Brad".  HONEY, HE WAS NOT THAT INTO YOU.  Move on. 

Ok, here comes the Bentley drama.  Apparently someone called her who knows his ex wife (or something) to tell her that Bentley is a total poser and is just on the show to promote his business.  She's gonna give him the benefit of the doubt but hopes he's ugly with one tooth. 

FYI-right about now I started playing the drinking game called "Amaaaaazing". 

Here come the limos.  So let me see who we didn't get to meet in the little video bios. 

Jon is an e-commerce executive.  "Can we go straight to the honeymoon"  then he carries her around.

Lucas is an oil field dude from texas.  He's a hugger.  Meh. 

Mickey is a chef who goes in for the kiss right away.

Tim is a New York liquor distributor.  He's a wierdo.

Ben talks french to her, which I think is wierd until I remember she is french canadian. 

Stephen is a hairstylist.  Uhuh, I'm thinking gay too.  He likes her new haircolor. Seriously, these men actually sat and watched the bachelor???  Right there you lost me.

Chris D is into sports marketing and he "raps" for her.  It wasn't as awful as it sounds. 

West is also a hugger.  He gives her a broken compass with the needle stuck on WEST, so in case she gets lost she will find her way to him. 

Ant'ny gets out of the limo and turns his back to her, adusts his hair and his suit before turning around to her.  They have absolutely no chemistry.

Rob is a technology exec.  He doesn't have any crowns in his teeth.  LOL.

Ames comes in not wearing a suit but a blue suitjacket and tan pants.  Very Yale meeting a woman beneath him I think. 

Matt is an "office supply salesperson".  LMAO, yes as in the easy button Staples employee.  He teaches her some fancy handshake. 

Jeff is an entreprenear.  In a mask.  And everytime he is on screen the creepy Phantom of the Opera music is playing.  He wants her to learn about him before she sees his face.  He looks kinda 5 o'clock shadow to me.  The other men are not digging it.

Ben F brings glasses and wine THAT IS AMAAAAAAZING.  Slurp.

Frank comes out and winks at her, kisses her hand and waltzes around with her.  Kinda creepy.  He's a college administrator.

Michael is also a technology salesman (I'm thinking cell phones).  "For the first time in my life I am excited to see a dentist"

Chris M is a canadian construction CEO.  Uhuh.  AKA a handyman.

Ryan M comes out with a camera and takes their pictures together.  He asks (not quite jokingly) if she thinks he can get a picure of himself with Chris Harrison.  Yes, awkward.

Nick is a personal trainer.  He reads her a poem which creeps me out.

Blake is the dentist.  But I'm not sure he tells her that.

Bentley gets out.....she seems smitten with him.

And finally, Constantine is a restaurant owner.  He wins the day by tying dental floss on her ring finger so she will remember him. 

And we're off to the drinking!  There is a first impression rose!! 

Ryan steals her right off the bat.  It's on.  He's soooo excited it is her!!  He has to tell her than and he gives her the big pitch.  "I want someone to share my life with".

I'm not sure who it is, maybe Ben F but he pulls his cell phone out and calls his mom so they can meet.  She's pretty funny tells them to remember 2 things: when they get the message to forgo their individual suites, remember your moms are watching and "always use protection". 

Ok, some dude comes in with a guitar and takes her outside.  But he loses me with his 3 piece suit as I hate vests (and yes that is a topic that has been discussed in my house for years).  She says, "do you really play?"  and he says no and throws the guitar into the pond. 

She asks the mask guy if he's here for a serious reason or just a nutjob.  And he gives her some bullshit about society judging everyone from the outside and he wants her to get to know him from the inside first. It's ridiculous. 

Tim the NY liquor distributor and our drunk for the night is "bugged" by the masked man.  He takes off his jacket like he's gonna fight him and then just drops the f-bomb a bunch of times. 

Chris brings in the rose.  Ooooooh.

While she's talking to 2 other dudes, Ben C the lawyer is standing behind them holding up cue cards saying hi and other cute stuff.  He grew up in London.

Tim is totally drunk.  "If Ashley doesn't fall in love with him she's crazy".  LOL.  Ashley tries to talk to him but he can't even talk he's so drunk.  It's kinda sad.  Next thing you see he's asleep snoring out in a gazeebo.  She takes some of the other guys outside to drag him out and put him in an awaiting car. 

The creepy masked dude is happy that Tim is gone. 

Finally, she sits down with Bentley.  The previews all showing him breaking her heart.  Or so they want you to think...He gives her the dad speech, and she likes the name drink Cozy for a kid.  "I'm in a healthy spot after the divorce (aka, I got the house) ...I wouldn't be here away from my daughter unless I was serious..."  Ashley is so damn stupid.  "he seems like everything I am looking for". 

Ryan P gets the first impression rose.  He's actually cute and the most openly personable. 

Bentley "even though I'm not attracted to her, I'm still competitive and I should have gotten that first impression rose..."  Oh yea, they are gonna do a job on him all season. 

Roses:
Ryan P
Jeff (masked creep)
Constantine
Ben F wine dude
Lucas
Stephen
Matt
Nick
Chris D
Ryan M
Blake
Mickey
Ben C
West
William
JP
Ames
and OF COURSE Bentley. 

Ant'ny is pissed off.  Jon is also upset.  "My family and I watched the entire last season together".  Uhuh, that's just weird for a man his age.