So, basically I can no longer remember when I blog and when I forget. Last week, Ernie and the most annoying fiance used their Xpress pass but still got beat by the awesome snowboarders! Bro and Sis Justin and Jennifer were shown the door.




This week starts in Malawi. And if you're like me, you had no fucking idea where Malawi was because, duh!! It used to be called Nyasaland. I know, right?? These little shitty countries try to hide from me by changing their names all the time. I mean, hell yea, it DID work for Allegheny Airlines after they flew into that mountain but still. I'm wondering what happened to the pennies I collected last Halloween and mailed "To the Poor Nyasalander Children".



So anyway, teams have to exchange their Malawian kwachas (the monetary unit of Malawi) and fly to Copenhagen, Denmark, which the brain scholar "boy who sailed 'round the world" friggin mispronounced. Once in Denmark, they have to drive a FORD FOCUS (DING DING DING) to some bell tower. Yea, all the names of stuff are in denmarkian and have like, too many vowels for me to remember.



Caution: This leg of the race has a double U-turn. Cindy wipes the evil drool off her chin and says, "we're totally using it, even if we don't need to". Ernie, OPEN YOUR EYES. There is time to run from this little smeagol. Me want the precious trip for 2 from Travelocity priiiiiizzzzzzeeeeeeee.



So they're all booked on an Malawi Airlines 8:20 am arriving flight via Amsterdam but hey, if you want to be safe and fly a different airline go right ahead and find a different connection. Dad and Sailorboy decide to fly via London. Basically because he had some kind of accent that might be Londonese or might be Australian. Everyone else decides to try their luck at the Amsterday connection. Only Amani and Marcus decide to stick with the original plan, and take naps in the airport while everyone else gets into Copenhagen the night before.



But, the bell tower doesn't open until the morning. Amani and Marcus are only 1 hour behind not the 12 AR kept advertising.



So, teams climb up the tower and look for their clues. One is a banner saying "borg slot" and another is on a rooftop saying "Fredericks". But for some reason they keep folding the rooftop one up. They have to find Frederickborg Slot" which is a castle. Jeremy and Sandy manage to fight their way to the wrong castle and have to go back. They run into Amani and Marcus at the bell tower.



At the castle: it's a roadblock. Teams have to learn to dance. For some reason we are forced to learn that the Grandparents met in high school or younger and have been together for years and years, and Smeagol and Ernie met in a bar. A very very very DARK bar I am sure.



Ernie and Sailorboy get in costume and makeup (I believed Cindy made Ernie practice crossdressing for months) and learn a 3 part dance. Sairboy sucks. Ernie gets it first and they learn they have to drive the FORD FOCUS (DING DING DING) to oh, shit, I don't know but there is a postbox with the clue.



Marcus doesn't like to stop fir directions...



Sailorboy sucks at the dance.



Grandma, Snowboarders pass them. Sailorboy sucks and his loving dad is bashing him, because he could dance back in the day when he was a frontman for a rock and roll band. Yea, keep telling your stories old man... He finally gets it 4th, but Sandy is already dancing. The NFLs are lost. They get out of their car to finally ask for directions and nobody stops to help the very large black man.



Detour: All Hopped Up or All Churned Up. Teams can either make butter or make rabbits do a steeple chase. Most teams take the butter because animals are unpredictable. Which is a shame because the rabbit thing was totally adorable and easy.



Ernie and Smeagol finish the butter first. They have to head towards some Windmill where there is a U-turn. Even though they are in first, Smeagol wants the precious trip for 2 priiiiiiizzzzzzeeeeeeee. Ernie doesn't want to use the U-turn, and as every argument they are gonna have for the next 50 years of their married life ends, they use the U-turn against the Grandparents.



Teams have to drive to the Havet Ship pit stop.



The grandparents U-turn the Dad and Sailorboy. Fortunately the rabbits are easy. Right about now the NFLs get to the dance thing.



Ernie and Smeagol come in first and I was PRAYING Phil would say, here's a clue you bitch, you're still racing. But, alas, they won a trip to Fiji where they can honeymoon while he heals from the castration.



Jeremy and Sandy figure out they're going in the entirely wrong direction...at least twice. The dad and sailorboy get lost too. Dad is just ranting. It comes down to which pair of these two is less lost and hits less traffic. And.......it's Dad and Son who are OUT.

Survivor: Revenge of the Nerds

Word up.

That return to camp after the big Woody finds his balls tribal council was a little chilly.  Oz is right on his ass.  "I want to talk to Woody alone".  Woody "I didn't watch 11 seasons of Survivor for my fate to be decided by pulling stones out of a bag".  Amen Woodman. 

Brandon steps into the conversation.  "I just want to check nobody's getting aggressive with him".  Awwwww.  He is kinda sweet for a stupid idiot.  Oz "We're not gangsters...  You stabbed me in the back and prevented me from taking you only so far before stabbing you in the back, damnit!"  "That's how a wiener plays". Oh SNAP, I'm gonna have to use that one at the Sellmans next game night. 

Whitney "You disgust me".  Ah, shut up ya bitch who has been riding coattails the whole damn way.  "I just lost 6 weeks of my life out here".  What a bunch of wieners unable to deal with being in the middle or bottom. 

Fortunately the whole Upola tribe is still embracing him. 

Next morning.  Coach "last night was cause for a little Tai Chi celebration.  I gotta be humble to go the whole way".  Coach asks Woody who is next?  Woody: "Jim is the worst of them".  I whole heartedly agree. 

Oz "I have no strategy....wo is me..."

Challenge:  2 parts: toss coconuts into rings, then the first 4 get to crack coconuts, carry mouthfuls of juice through a maze and spit into a tube.  I hate these whole spit things. 

Part 1: Dawn, Whitney, Jim and Sophie move on.  Oz is totally pissed.  Can't stand not being the king. 

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME???  In the middle of watching this on Demand my cable was totally 100%  taken over by the Billy Graham Network.  No FREAKING kidding you.  I couldn't change the channel, couldn't do anything for about 5 minutes.  WTF???

Ok, I got it back.  God, that was totally scary.  Second part of the challenge it comes down to Sophie and Jim, until Sophie pukes and Jim wins immunity.  Then I puked. 

Brandon "It's Ozzy". 

Oz talks to Coach.  "I don't want to go"  "I appreciate this new humility.  But it's too little too late". 

Dawn starts working it.  Gives Coach a pillow and a blanket.  "I might have to flip". 

Jim, Whitney and Oz are doing the group toilet thing sitting in 2 feet of water.  Jim "Woody is a poor excuse for a man...maybe I will give Oz the immunity idol and make the point that only one of us so far has been disloyal..." 

Totally fake shot of Oz standing on the beach looking at a rainbow.  And I believe they have used this clip more than once. 

Tribal
Woody: yes, the reception was chilly at best.  Jim was yelling the loudest.
Jim: I said immature things
Woody: I took it all.  It was personal, to take control of my destiny.  Drawing rocks is not the essence of Survivor.
Jim: We saved him 4 times.  No one else out here needs his battles fought for him.  He isn't loyal. 
Brandon: Enough is enough!  The smaller people don't need to take it anymore.  We're all behind Woody.
Oz: When did I ever make Woody feel small?  Um, are you kidding dude???
Woody: from the first you tried to get people to vote me out due to my size and perceived weakness. 
Jim: I am powerful with immunity.  I might give it to Oz and turn this all into a referendum on loyalty.  (which is kind of ironic since he talked of getting rid of Oz once himself...)
Coach: Or it would turn it into a message that standing up for yourself gets you screwed.
Oz: If I go to redemption I'm gonna be eating and resting and getting ready to come back.

Time to vote.  Jim, you keeping immunity?  Uh, Yea.

Ozzy is voted off.  Interestingly, and I had to go back and rewatch this, even Dawn and Whitney voted for Oz. 

"You fell for my master plan..."

Oz is out at redemption doing the Jacque CuOzzy routine.  He and Keith eat a bit old fish. 

BANG, another challenge.  Stand on a beam and balance a ball on a bow.  OR.... take your chances and eat lots of sugary stuff. 

Coach: " I want to compete...but we're family".  Only Jim, Whitney and Dawn compete.  The 7 get chowing down on sugar and caffeine. 

Jim is out.  Dawn "I'll stay as long as I can so you can eat".  Woohoo, Dawn is awesome!

Dawn falters and Whitney wins immunity. 

Albert starts his little brain spinning.  "I think we were way too inclusive with Dawn.  I want to nip this in the bud now". 

Woody is strutting around camp in the Dragon Slaya's black jacket and the cowboy's hat.  LOL.  Meanwhile Jim tries to sell Sophie on some big plan.  Yea, that's going nowhere.  Albert tells Sophie about his better plan to get rid of Dawn first.  Sophie, who is perhaps the smartest person playing this game, says, "yea, it's Jim dude".

Coach: Is it gonna be charging Rhino Jim or serpent like Dawn??

Tribal-dark blue.
Is it fair to assume it's Jim or Dawn?  Yes.
Albert: Dawn's tough and likable. 
Dawn :This is what we would have done had we won.  But it was hard for me to watch them eat.
Brandon.  Hold on!!  You told us to eat!!  I am not buying this at all.  They are being nice because they have to be. 
Dawn: I genuinely want to get to know you...
Brandon: We're not going to stop until they are all gone. 
Whitney: I feel all vilified.  Boohoooooooo.  They don't accept us as real people, just bullies.  I when the shoe is on the other foot!! 
Brandon: It's hard to see her sit there and cry but we were excluded and mocked until we got power. 

Vote.  3 for Edna, 6 for Jim, who is out.  I can only imagine the trash talking gonna happen at redemption when these 3 tough men have to admit they were killed by a wimpy little man.  Mwahahahahaha. 

Survivor: Man Up Woodman!!

Awwww, it looks like someone's testicles have descended!  And I don't just mean Justin Bieber!  The Woodman grows up!

The tribe is sure the merge is right around the corner.  Their plan is for Woody to become a double agent and get info from the other tribe.

Oz arrives at Redemption Island and wakes up Christine.  She's surprised to see him and asks what happened?  He tells her they voted someone out and he whipped out the idol.  Guess who had it?  Cochrain.  Yep.  She seems to buy the story.

Duel time, and everyone comes to watch.  Woody is in his mastermind outfit: just the pink vest, without the pink shirt.  Oz puts on a big act about getting hoodwinked and voted out.  "It's now everyman for himself, I want to get back for revenge..."  Yea, no academy award there.

It's the tie together sticks to make a pole, get 3 keys and unlock 3 locks.  Winner comes back into the game.  Christine builds a sucky pole and Oz kicks her ass. 

Jeff announces the merge.  And Woody goes to work.  He sits with Coach and complains how they treat him.  Coach: "yo, our tribe is tight and I'm pretty sure you guys are trying to play us.  I've been made fun of all my life...wasn't always the dragon slaya, I know what it feels like."   You basically have a choice, we go tribal and have a tie, and draw rocks or you could jump ship. 

Woody tells the rest of the blue tribe what Oz did and what the master plan was.  I'm supposed to be gathering information.  He and Brandon talk and he tells him Kieth is the meanest.  Oh, Woody also gives the idol back to Oz. 

Dawn has another menopause moment and asks Woody what his plan is.  She knows he's been treated badly and is afraid he's gonna jump ship.  She cries.  "I should have stood up for him earlier..."  Leaves the door open of jumping ship as well. 

Challenge: dark blue.  It's a one man/one woman immunity up for grabs.  They have to balance on a little thing and hold a coconut between 2 rods, with ropes.  Hard to explain.  OH, the new tribe is called Te Tuna which is some play on some stupid south pacific legend.  Supposedly. 

Dawn and Oz win immunity.  Oz asks everyone, "we're still solid, right"?  Uhuh.  They decide to play the idol and increase their odds in the random draw.  They decide to give it to Whitney, who I forget is even in this game.

Woody doesn't believe Survivor should be decided by choosing rocks. He talks to Sophie, who is a little worried whether or not he is telling the truth.  He tells Coach, if I do bail, they are gonna tear me apart. 

Dawn asks him again his plan.  "You're starting a war".  She's not flipping, she decides she likes her tribe and wants to stick with them.  Woody "I want to control my own choices". Dawn doesn't want him to do it but she doesn't tell anyone.

Tribal
Coach: a tie vote?  I guess so!
Oz: yep, with our tribe having both idols, the odds are on our side
Edna: can you see a scenario where it makes sense to flip??
Woody: What are the odds of 2 tribes remaining this unified??  I've never seen it Jeff. 
Jim: there is no chance there is a flipper on our side
Albert: we know Oz was acting at the duel, but if they pull out an idol we'll know they were lying.  (lol, I don't think Oz figured that one out)
Oz: I do have the idol, you're right.  Oh, I mean WE have the idol. 
Coach winks at Woody.

Vote.  Oz gives Whitney the idol.  First vote is a tie between Keith and Rick.  They revote for only Rick or Kieth. 

Keith is voted off to redemption island.  Woody tells Oz, "I swapped, I'll explain later".  Jim keeps calling him a coward.  Brandon "don't talk to him that way.  That's exactly why he flipped".  Brandon and Woody walk off holding hands, and Brandon says, "stay close to me little man".

Gettin' good!!!

Survivor Prayer Meeting

Dear Heavenly Father,

I realize that you have just had your 7 billionth child, and many of them are National Geographically poor, and sick, and in pain, and some are even democrats, but if you wouldn't mind ignoring them all for the next 60 minutes, your poorly dressed and unwashed Upolu tribe needs your help in winning a challenge for a game called Survivor.  Well, you probably knew that since you invented it through you shepherd, Mark Burnett.  And I know he is your shepherd since you let him marry that chick from the Angel show.  Anywhoo, even though I am lying to my tribe and hiding the idol in my pants, please help my team win today.  If so, I can promise you, on your holy book, should one of us win the $1 million dollar prize, there will be an extra $20 in the plate for your son, Jesus' birthday.  In the name of the father, and the of the son, and of Jeff Probst, Amen.

Ok, so I seriously felt like just letting that be the update this week, BUT all of the hullabaloo of this episode made me change my mind. 

Coach and that cowboy/rancher dude who says like 2 things a week are discussing what a crazy MoFo Brandon is.  And Coach goes all cowboy western quoting about sometimes you need to put a bullet in someone's head.  But I'm pretty sure that was just a metaphor, because the liberal networks would NEVER allow a contestant to exercise their God given write to be armed to the teeth wherever they go. 

 Bang, right to the duel.  It's Christine vs the temptress, Mikayla.  The duel is to take apart a crate, use the pieces to build a bridge, run over the bridge and TAP THE TABLE, then run back, rip up the bridge and use the pieces to unscramble a puzzle.  Albert is yelling help to Mikayla, even though Christine was also a tribe member.  Apparently the red tribe is still completely clueless that Christine hates on the Upolo tribe. 

Christine wins her 5th duel.  Jeff: "You are becoming a legitimate force in this game".  Christine: "I have always been a legitimate force, ya dumbass". 

Back at the red tribe, Oz is thinking and talking about the upcoming merge.  NOTE TO MARK BURNETT: if you really want to throw a new and creative wrench into the game?  Don't do the merge when everyone expects it.  Seriously, that would be way more interesting than Resurrection island.  It might even be better than crucifixion island.  But, shhhhh, I won't give next season away.  Ozzie is wondering if it would be wise to send SOMEONE to RI to bump off Christine.

He tells this scheme to Woody.  Now, Woody.  Is his personal item sunscreen?  Cause he is getting whiter by the minute.  And, I just soooooo want to put a little green felt hat with a feather in it on his little head when he sits in his pink shirt and pink sweater west.  It's ridiculous that his mom still dresses him.  Ok, so Oz is telling his best friend Woody, ya know the dude whose name he has written down just about every time, about the get rid of Christine scheme.  And Woody is trying not to piss himself with the excitement of how friggin stupid this idea is.  "We need someone strong to take that old lady out...I would go, of course I'd have to give the idol to someone....and of course get it back...."  hahaha  "It's a big move but I might have to make it..." 

Coach, coach, coach.  He's out in the am doing his morning jujitsu routine.  "I am not worthy father" Ain't that the truth!  While he's doing his wipe on-wipe off routine, Survivor imposes a big giant yellow sun over him.  LMAO.  After prayer time, Coach calls everyone over.  "We have to find the idol today in case of the merge".  He, Albert and Sophie have decided to pretend to find it.  So after lying to the tribe, Coach has them all pray for help in finding the idol.  Yea, I threw up a little myself. 

Brandon is sniffing around like a little dog.  He and Tex are up and down all the trees on the beach.  Sophie and Coach go into the woods (which I would make a sex crack about but Sophie is way way way too smart for this fool).  They find tree mail, and decide to call everyone over and say, WOW IS THIS OUR LUCKY DAY!  We found tree mail AND the idol.  Brandon is running around yelling about how GREAT it is. "Coach and Sophie found it RIGHT AFTER WE PRAYED.  GOD IS ON OUR SIDE".  Ahem.  Just another example of religion being manipulated if you ask me.  Brandon is of course too friggin stupid to say, "hey where did you find it??  The clue said near the beach and I looked EVERYWHERE".  Yep, too stupid. 

The tree mail is all about twin warriors, and pairing up and painting their faces to match. 

Challenge:  They all come in in war paint, as twins including Brandon wearing a painted on bathing suit top to match his partner.  Today's challenge is some kind of paired thing, with 3 callers and blindfolded people running around shit in the water.  Wanna know what you're playing for?  Eternal salvation??  No, that's next week.  This week it's a 100% full on product placement whoredom reward.  The winning tribe gets to go to the Survivor Cinema and watch Jack and Jill, a new Adam Sandler movie that probably sucks if it needs this much pushing. 

Ok, so the challenge.  Coach has Edna knock her head onto just about everything out there.  "Duck, Edna". 

Woody is either his usual incompetent, or trying to get them to lose and have Oz go to redemption.  Not sure frankly.  He can't get the ropes tied or untied right, and basically, they lose the challenge.

And, CHRIST, Coach has every one GET ON THEIR KNEES and thank the spaghetti monster. I'm thinking if Coach pulled this shit at a state run publicly financed school of learning he'd be shown the door.  Well, unless it was in Texas.

They to to the movies.  Yea, and eat.  Coach is all family family family.  I clearly needed more alcohol for this episode.

Oz is throwing another hissy fit.  Kicking the walls and generally losing it.  Woody things he's probably not gonna keep his plan and will be getting rid of the woodster.  On their return, he tells Woody "you lost it for us".  Woody's upset.  Oz still wants to get rid of Woody, so he and Dawn are all, "you could totally beat Christine if you just believed in yourself".  Seriously??  "It's time for you to redeem yourself".  Quoting just about every BAD inspirational poster I have ever seen.  Woody's all "Um, I just don't think I could pull off the I'm indestructible, you better be shakin' in your boots, stupid bitch".  LOL.  I love when he says bitch, I don't know why. 

Fortunately for Woody, Oz has a dream about beating Christine.  He goes out and gets the idol, and says "I want you all to vote me out".  LOL, Jim is loving this!  Keith doesn't think it's wise.  "If the merge doesn't happen, we're screwed".

Let me take a moment to comment on something that I have left until WAY too late.  Usually about now these men are looking all smelly and gross, and the thought of going out into the jungle with one of them is totally disgusting to me.  HOWEVER.....and DO NOT TELL JEFF,  but I would totally cougar on Keith and make him beg for mercy.  Seriously, I'd go all Jane on that Tarzan until his loincloth burst into flames and he begged for help from the animals. 

Ok.  Tribal.  Jeff's in blue but I'm still smoking a cigarette from Keith.

Oz, you showed a lot of emotion today, was there finger pointing?  Yes, at Woody.
Woody: I panicked today.
Jim: Woody got frustrated and just threw  his hands up.
Woody: Thank GOD I didn't crap myself.
Jeff: Does this happen a lot Woody?  And do you sometimes ejaculate too early?? LOL
Dawn, how will redemption island help?  If we beat Christine we have the numbers back for the merge
Oz, you plan is for someone from your tribe to beat her and return?  How is Woody going to do that?  With depends??  No, Jeff, I AM GOING TO DO IT.  I had a dream for my own redemption
Jeff: Whaaaaaa???
Oz: We're gonna tell Christine Woody totally played me, that he's a mastermind.
Jeff: You left being an idiot last time....if you don't win the duel, you are gonna be the BIGGEST DOUCHE in Survivor history.....

Yep, they vote, Oz says, "oh I changed my mind......just kidding" and hands the idol to the mastermind.  Good luck Christine!!!