Survivor Prayer Meeting

Dear Heavenly Father,

I realize that you have just had your 7 billionth child, and many of them are National Geographically poor, and sick, and in pain, and some are even democrats, but if you wouldn't mind ignoring them all for the next 60 minutes, your poorly dressed and unwashed Upolu tribe needs your help in winning a challenge for a game called Survivor.  Well, you probably knew that since you invented it through you shepherd, Mark Burnett.  And I know he is your shepherd since you let him marry that chick from the Angel show.  Anywhoo, even though I am lying to my tribe and hiding the idol in my pants, please help my team win today.  If so, I can promise you, on your holy book, should one of us win the $1 million dollar prize, there will be an extra $20 in the plate for your son, Jesus' birthday.  In the name of the father, and the of the son, and of Jeff Probst, Amen.

Ok, so I seriously felt like just letting that be the update this week, BUT all of the hullabaloo of this episode made me change my mind. 

Coach and that cowboy/rancher dude who says like 2 things a week are discussing what a crazy MoFo Brandon is.  And Coach goes all cowboy western quoting about sometimes you need to put a bullet in someone's head.  But I'm pretty sure that was just a metaphor, because the liberal networks would NEVER allow a contestant to exercise their God given write to be armed to the teeth wherever they go. 

 Bang, right to the duel.  It's Christine vs the temptress, Mikayla.  The duel is to take apart a crate, use the pieces to build a bridge, run over the bridge and TAP THE TABLE, then run back, rip up the bridge and use the pieces to unscramble a puzzle.  Albert is yelling help to Mikayla, even though Christine was also a tribe member.  Apparently the red tribe is still completely clueless that Christine hates on the Upolo tribe. 

Christine wins her 5th duel.  Jeff: "You are becoming a legitimate force in this game".  Christine: "I have always been a legitimate force, ya dumbass". 

Back at the red tribe, Oz is thinking and talking about the upcoming merge.  NOTE TO MARK BURNETT: if you really want to throw a new and creative wrench into the game?  Don't do the merge when everyone expects it.  Seriously, that would be way more interesting than Resurrection island.  It might even be better than crucifixion island.  But, shhhhh, I won't give next season away.  Ozzie is wondering if it would be wise to send SOMEONE to RI to bump off Christine.

He tells this scheme to Woody.  Now, Woody.  Is his personal item sunscreen?  Cause he is getting whiter by the minute.  And, I just soooooo want to put a little green felt hat with a feather in it on his little head when he sits in his pink shirt and pink sweater west.  It's ridiculous that his mom still dresses him.  Ok, so Oz is telling his best friend Woody, ya know the dude whose name he has written down just about every time, about the get rid of Christine scheme.  And Woody is trying not to piss himself with the excitement of how friggin stupid this idea is.  "We need someone strong to take that old lady out...I would go, of course I'd have to give the idol to someone....and of course get it back...."  hahaha  "It's a big move but I might have to make it..." 

Coach, coach, coach.  He's out in the am doing his morning jujitsu routine.  "I am not worthy father" Ain't that the truth!  While he's doing his wipe on-wipe off routine, Survivor imposes a big giant yellow sun over him.  LMAO.  After prayer time, Coach calls everyone over.  "We have to find the idol today in case of the merge".  He, Albert and Sophie have decided to pretend to find it.  So after lying to the tribe, Coach has them all pray for help in finding the idol.  Yea, I threw up a little myself. 

Brandon is sniffing around like a little dog.  He and Tex are up and down all the trees on the beach.  Sophie and Coach go into the woods (which I would make a sex crack about but Sophie is way way way too smart for this fool).  They find tree mail, and decide to call everyone over and say, WOW IS THIS OUR LUCKY DAY!  We found tree mail AND the idol.  Brandon is running around yelling about how GREAT it is. "Coach and Sophie found it RIGHT AFTER WE PRAYED.  GOD IS ON OUR SIDE".  Ahem.  Just another example of religion being manipulated if you ask me.  Brandon is of course too friggin stupid to say, "hey where did you find it??  The clue said near the beach and I looked EVERYWHERE".  Yep, too stupid. 

The tree mail is all about twin warriors, and pairing up and painting their faces to match. 

Challenge:  They all come in in war paint, as twins including Brandon wearing a painted on bathing suit top to match his partner.  Today's challenge is some kind of paired thing, with 3 callers and blindfolded people running around shit in the water.  Wanna know what you're playing for?  Eternal salvation??  No, that's next week.  This week it's a 100% full on product placement whoredom reward.  The winning tribe gets to go to the Survivor Cinema and watch Jack and Jill, a new Adam Sandler movie that probably sucks if it needs this much pushing. 

Ok, so the challenge.  Coach has Edna knock her head onto just about everything out there.  "Duck, Edna". 

Woody is either his usual incompetent, or trying to get them to lose and have Oz go to redemption.  Not sure frankly.  He can't get the ropes tied or untied right, and basically, they lose the challenge.

And, CHRIST, Coach has every one GET ON THEIR KNEES and thank the spaghetti monster. I'm thinking if Coach pulled this shit at a state run publicly financed school of learning he'd be shown the door.  Well, unless it was in Texas.

They to to the movies.  Yea, and eat.  Coach is all family family family.  I clearly needed more alcohol for this episode.

Oz is throwing another hissy fit.  Kicking the walls and generally losing it.  Woody things he's probably not gonna keep his plan and will be getting rid of the woodster.  On their return, he tells Woody "you lost it for us".  Woody's upset.  Oz still wants to get rid of Woody, so he and Dawn are all, "you could totally beat Christine if you just believed in yourself".  Seriously??  "It's time for you to redeem yourself".  Quoting just about every BAD inspirational poster I have ever seen.  Woody's all "Um, I just don't think I could pull off the I'm indestructible, you better be shakin' in your boots, stupid bitch".  LOL.  I love when he says bitch, I don't know why. 

Fortunately for Woody, Oz has a dream about beating Christine.  He goes out and gets the idol, and says "I want you all to vote me out".  LOL, Jim is loving this!  Keith doesn't think it's wise.  "If the merge doesn't happen, we're screwed".

Let me take a moment to comment on something that I have left until WAY too late.  Usually about now these men are looking all smelly and gross, and the thought of going out into the jungle with one of them is totally disgusting to me.  HOWEVER.....and DO NOT TELL JEFF,  but I would totally cougar on Keith and make him beg for mercy.  Seriously, I'd go all Jane on that Tarzan until his loincloth burst into flames and he begged for help from the animals. 

Ok.  Tribal.  Jeff's in blue but I'm still smoking a cigarette from Keith.

Oz, you showed a lot of emotion today, was there finger pointing?  Yes, at Woody.
Woody: I panicked today.
Jim: Woody got frustrated and just threw  his hands up.
Woody: Thank GOD I didn't crap myself.
Jeff: Does this happen a lot Woody?  And do you sometimes ejaculate too early?? LOL
Dawn, how will redemption island help?  If we beat Christine we have the numbers back for the merge
Oz, you plan is for someone from your tribe to beat her and return?  How is Woody going to do that?  With depends??  No, Jeff, I AM GOING TO DO IT.  I had a dream for my own redemption
Jeff: Whaaaaaa???
Oz: We're gonna tell Christine Woody totally played me, that he's a mastermind.
Jeff: You left being an idiot last time....if you don't win the duel, you are gonna be the BIGGEST DOUCHE in Survivor history.....

Yep, they vote, Oz says, "oh I changed my mind......just kidding" and hands the idol to the mastermind.  Good luck Christine!!!