Survivor: One Karma

Ding dong the witch is dead, which old which? The green shirted gay bigoted witch.  Say it with me people, KARMA IS A BITCH. 

So, last week Monica went.  Alicia is thrilled and is laughing.  I'm with the guys.  She and Colton are just mean bitches to Christina.  "Good luck, you might be making an alliance with a hermit crab" "You're this season's cockroach" "You're gone, even if we merge".  They also refuse to give her a place to sleep.  Bitches.

On the beautiful people tribe, Kat is telling everyone she had a dream that Alicia killed her at the mall.  Which is frankly entirely possible. 

Tree mail: "Silly and Sweet".  Troyzan is already to eat some sweets so he declares "we're kicking their ass".

The challenge is to bounce coconuts on a trampoline and smash giant drum things.  The reward is a trip to the Survivor Ben and Jorge Ice Cream Parlor.    Colton begs his team "pleasepleasepleaase".  I hate Colton.  Maybe if you wanted friggin ice cream you should have kept your best player, huh douchebag?

Everyone pretty much sucks at first.  Colton sucks, Alicia and her fat ASS suck.  Christina misses and apparently doesn't run fast enough and Colton freaks out and yells "Run you stupid bitch".  It is surprisingly tied.  Alicia sucks so bad Jeff tells her his nephew throws harder.  Troyzan throws the winning shot!  SUCK ON NOTHING COLTON. 

Colton ignores his and fat assed Alicia's dismal performances and says Christina can quit, wait 2 days to be voted off or jump in the fire and be medivac'd off because he HATES HATES HATES everything about her.

Ice cream social is just a bunch of beautiful people eating ice cream and loving life.

Colton and Alicia are really bagging on Christina.  Jonas thinks they're a little over the top.  No need to get so personal and twist the knife so badly.  Christina talks to Leif (oh, who is just a little monkey in these challenges!) and says you know if we merge Alicia is going to go back to the girls alliance and you will not have the numbers...She promises to vote with them.  Alicia and her fat ass are standing behind her and she claps and says "Game over girl...you suck at this game".  And then she just basically goes nuts on Christina, how she's a loser, how Alicia is done done done done with you.  It's pretty dramatic and Jonas and Leif are watching the whole thing. 

Colton has a headache and is laying with his head in Christina's lap while she mothers him.  Me?  I'd be banging pots and making a ton of annoying headachy noise.  Tarzan tells him he's dehydrated and needs to drink more water.  Privately Tarzan says he thinks Colton might be having appendicitis. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.  Colton, like most wolves, walks off into the wilderness to lay down and die.  Excellent idea!  Christina finds him and runs to get medical.  It's the best 5 minutes of this entire season. 

Jeff: We have to take you out.  Colton: Can I give someone the immunity idol?  Jeff: That's up to you. So they bring the entire tribe over for the big goodbye scene.  He keeps the idol and Alicia is PISSSSSED.  "Colton is a spoiled brat.  He screwed me". 

Jonas is upset because Colton loved the game.  Oh, and for those of you suggesting they bring Colton back?  They could do that but most people have seen his strategy and he wouldn't last a day, IMO.  Jonas also things it might be wiser to get rid of fat assed Alicia. 

Tree mail:  No win, no loss both tribes go to tribal tonight.  The beautiful people tribe is freaking out.  Jonas is like OH SNAP!! 

And then there is some really nasty scene where Alicia asks Tarzan if he will be her friend?  He says yes.  Christina asks  him too and he says NO.  What a dick.  He says Leif and Jonas would be my friends too. 

Christina tells the guys that she is with them.  Leif and Jonas are leaning towards Alicia.  Leif talks to Tarzan, Tarzan is all Christina is a suck up who just tells people what they want to hear.  Leif says, "that sounds more like Alicia".. But for some reason Tarzan is a fan of the fat ass. 

Alicia is still pissed about the idol.

Tribal.  Both teams come in.  Oooh, Where's Colton??  Jeff explains that he had emergency surgery on his appendix. Kat doesn't know what an appendix is.  Most people say they have had theirs out. 

Troy, will this change the game?  Yes although I am sad for Colton. Kim says, yea, it's tough but that's one person down! 
Alicia interrupts and says "Oh Sabrina, he said thanks for the idol. He took it with him".  Hmmmmm.  Sabrina do you believe that?  Yea, he liked it.  Chelsea doesn't believe he kept if and if he did they wouldn't admit it.  Tarzan says some shit about "Colton told her to say that", which makes it even more murky.  Kat is still worrying about this whole appendix thing and how she can "not hurt mine". 

Drop your buffs, we're merging.  1 tribe, 6 men and 6 women.  Will the old tribe alliances hold?? 

Survivor: Hating Colton!!!

Seriously, I don't even want to write this week up because I'm just so pissed off at that little creep.  I want to beat the shit out of him and stuff him in a locker and let him scream all night. 

Ok.  So, last week the men were total jackwads and followed Colton down the 'we gotta go to tribal immediately" path, because the douchebag is totally vindictive and has the patience of a gnat.  Little girl boy.  And, in addition to the neck roll?  If I have to watch him check his fingernails one more damn time I am gonna kick a hole through my TV.  The women are all, "WTF???"  And Colton tells them that the OTHER men are CRAZY. 

Bang, it's 8:05pm and a challenge.  Drop your buffs we're switching tribes.  It's a random switch except since GOD is a regular Survivor watcher (as we know...) all the good people end up on one tribe and the other ends up as the island of misfit toys.  Blue team has all the muscle: Mike, Troyzan and Jaybird, plus the girl alliance of Kim, Kat, Sabrina and Chelsea.  Seriously.  The Orange team has Tarzan, Colton, Jonas, Leif, Monica, Christina and Alicia's very sore and enlarged breasts. 

Challenge: Carry a bit wine barrel thing to a water tower, fill it, and carry it back without losing much of it from the holes in the barrel.  Wanna know what you're playing for?  Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches, coffee AND the One World of Idiots beach.  The losers get a new beach. 

C'mon, you don't really even have to ask do you?  Blue team wins reward.  Colton is all "whatever" while he checks out his nails.  He thinks the other tribe are "Greek Gods and my tribe are peasants".  To quote Tess Hartman, how does this douche not get beat up daily??

Orange arrive at their new beach and are all, "oooh, this is nice, the sand is soft".  They do get pots and pans I notice.  Colton starts right in.  "I'm on a tribe with people who suck".  "I know how to relate to people and how to charm them."  He's totally working the girls, especially Christina and Alicia.  I'm SURE at some point he'll go all bad ass on her nasty bikini though.  "I'm telling everyone what they want to hear".  "Pinky Swear".  ARGH. 

Over on Muscle Beach, Mike and Chelsea go crab fishing, and catch 4 enormous crabs.  THEN Troy relives his quarterback days and catches a chicken.  Clearly the Gods are smiling on this team.  It's a pretty unified team of beauty.  The woman's entire alliance is together and all of the frat boys are together.  Troy, Jay and Kim strike up a little alliance.  Kim is clearly working both alliances.  Speaking of Kim, she is the only one SMART ENOUGH to finally go look for the hidden idol, which she finds and stuffs in her crotch.  She tells Chelsea that she has it. 

Over on dysfunctional beach, everyone is building shelter except of course for Colton who just keeps running back and forth between Alicia and Jonas promising them the world.  Colton and Alicia form an alliance because as Colton keeps pointing out he only ever wanted to be with the girls anyway, so they are counting him as their 4th girl on the team.  Monica isn't totally believing him.  Colton tells Alicia that Christina has to go first.  Alicia, who is NO FAN of Christina, originally says NO WAY.  She thinks Colton is crazy and that they need to start picking off the men. 

Jonas confronts Colton.  What's up with Alicia??  Colton says "oh I'm just playing her, I'm still with the guys".  Jonas is not a fan of Colton-says he's a lazy ass.  "How does he get away with that"?  Well, Jonas, probably because of smacked asses like yourself.  Jonas wants Christina to go first.  "Don't scam me, bro".  HEY JUST A GOD DAMN MINUTE.  When the BLACK dude said "Bro" to Colton, that was reason for dismissal.  F'ing Hypocrite. 

Christina and Monica use a cage to catch a chicken but it gets out.  Which annoys Colton all get out even though he hasn't done JACK SHIT to feed anybody.  "These people suck at Survivor".  He now wants Monica to go first, mainly because he is a vindictive ASSHOLE.  He tells Alicia that it's now Monica and then Christina.  Hey, wait a minute, she finally figures out that it is NOT in fact an all girl alliance.  She tells Colton "you're asking me to trust the men".  "No, I'm asking you to trust me, another mean girl like yourself".  She agrees in a move that I can only hope comes back to bite her on the ass. 

Challenge.  It's water basketball, 3 on 3. 

First up are the men and Colton hardly tries.  Blue scores easily.  Next it's men and women.  Mike gets the ball and misses like 5 times.  It's a battle but the blue team scores again.  It's first to 3.  All women up next, it's scrappy but Monica makes a basket to keep the orange team alive.  Finally back to men.  Colton actually hustles to get the ball and the other men basically try and hold him under.  Which I am totally fine with. No rules, right Jeff??  Blue of course wins immunity. 

Alicia and Colton are anticipating the biggest blindside of the game so far.  Jonas "as long as he isn't voting for me, I'll be Colton's bitch".  Jonas and Colton are sitting around and Christina comes up and says "C'mon, we're voting for Tarzan, right???"  Colton's like "OMG we just said that!"  Monica comes up  they all say "yep, Tarzan".  They also tell Leif, and Jonas still doesn't trust him.  Colton tells Leif and Tarzan it's Monica.  Tarzan can't remember names.  LOL. 

Tribal is very benign tonight.  Colton pisses me off with his facial expressions and his "jeff, can you believe these idiots??" attitude. 

Monica says the switch has turned out to be a blessing because they are a united team. 
Colton "if Monica thinks she can turn this sinking ship around good luck to her"
Alicia: "Monica is awesome....."
Jeff says "I smell a big but coming" which tickles Colton.  Alicia admits Monica is a threat.
Monica is surprised.  "I'm just trying to be helpful to the team"
Leif: She is a very good worker and a great mother.

Tarzan goes on some weird ASS monologue.  "I dropped my assertiveness to a new lode star...I shan't say who..."
Leif say, "Tarzan is.....complex"
Everyone is amused.  He admits he has aphasia and can't remember people's names. 

They vote.  Tarzan gets 2 votes and Monica gets the rest.  Christina is totally pissed off.

Most Disturbing Survivor EVER.

UGH, for the record I just rewatched this episode and it was just as disturbing as the first time around. 

But first, did anyone else catch that Leif sleeps in a box like a coffin??  WTF???

When we last spoke Matt had been voted off.  Tarzan is all happy about that.  Says Bill is next because he's dangerous.  Or because he's black.  You decide. 

The girls are eating snails for breakfast.  The anorexics in the group all think they could live on snails, rice and water for ever.  Jonas and Troyzan come over and Jonas asks if they can borrow their net, promising them half of everything they catch.  That would be a big fat NO.  Troy and Jonas think the girls are nuts. 

Challenge.  Using a slingshot the tribes have to smash tiles on a big board, and get 5 in a row.  Bill sits out.  Why not Leif???  Wanna know what you're playing for?  A choice of: comfort (pillows), protection (tarp) or luxury (donuts and coffee). 

The women smoke the challenge and win a tarp.  Tarzan says it was "pure luck".  Back at camp the men cry about not having enough time to learn the game.  Waaa waaaa.  Bill says the girls are serious competitors.  Bill and Leif talk.  Leif tells Bill that Colton told everyone to vote for him last time.  (cue the dramatic music).

Ok, WHY ARE THE GIRLS NOT LOOKING FOR THEIR IMMUNITY IDOL????????????????????????

Matt tells Colton that Leif is getting too chummy with Bill.  "That little munchkin needs to be sent to OZ.  Bring him to me".  I am hating this little faggot.  And I don't use that term lightly.  He asks Leif if he told Bill about him going to be voted off?  "DO NOT LIE TO ME!!!".  Leif admits to it. "You sold your fate.  You're an annoying umpa lumpa and you picked the wrong side". 

Tree mail:  it's a puzzle.  Right before challenge Alicia gets all pissy with Kat.  What the hell is with Alicia's bathing suit top by the way?  It looks like she bought the top before getting the big tits implanted. 

Challenge. It's some walk across a teeter-totter thing, do 3 puzzles and get 3 keys thing that they have to do in pairs.  Alicia is up first paired with Chelsea.  They suck so friggin bad the men are on the 3rd puzzle when they finish the first after cheating off the boys puzzle. 

Men win immunity in a 'BLOW OUT'.  Jeff asks Alicia about how bad they sucked it and she laughs.  Not a good plan, 

Men: "That's it for the women!"

OK, the women are all talking about who to get rid of.  Chelsea says that was one hard puzzle.  LOL.  Sabarina's mad at Alicia, wants Alicia to go next.  Kim wants Christina. 

But it really doesn't matter because the CRAZY time has just broken out over at the men's tribe.  Bill and Leif try to talk to Colton who is such a DOUCHEBAG that he keeps putting his hands in front of his face and saying "I don't want to talk to  you".  Total avoidance.  "I'm done talking to you.  When I don't like someone I just want them to disappear."  Bill calls Colton a 'stuck up brat". 

Colton "I hate him, I want his head on a platter".  He rants to Troyzan.  He wants to still go to tribal because he's like a friggin 5 year old who wants his way all the time and has no patience.  We should trade with the girls and go to tribal.  Jonas thinks it's stupid but everyone is afraid of the crazy because CRAZY ALWAYS WINS. 

Troyzan tells Tarzan what's going on and Tarzan goes off the deep end too.  WE HAVE A BETRAYAL.  He gathers everyone up and treats Leif like a little kid, yelling at him "what you did was egregious.  The best thing for us is to go to tribal and vote you off".  Jay is like, WHAT THE FUCK??? 

Leif says he's sorry.  Colton just wants Bill gone.  They decide to go to tribal as a way for Leif to prove his loyalty, and what's the heck if we have to expend a black guy in the process. 

Tribal.  The men all walk in and Jeff is totally speechless.   24 seasons, 400 tribals and NEVER has any tribe been this stupid. 

He asks Troyzan what the hell happened??  Troy explains what happened and said 'we all agreed because Leif told Bill".  Leif says "I tried to play with my heart on my sleeve and it was a mistake but Bill and I were friends.  I'm hoping putting my head on the block will prove that I'm worthy". 

Jeff asks why the hell they couldn't wait until the next time they lost immunity?  BECAUSE COLTON IS A RAGING RACIST, JEFF. 

Jay basically says this is insane but everyone was afraid to disagree with the majority.  They all agreed they needed to get rid of the disloyalty before the merge. 

And then, it all goes very badly.  Colton starts on his racist rant.  "I hate Bill.  He's obnoxious.  He's a struggling stand-up comedian, get a real job".  Bill tries to suggest that it's just that they have come from different backgrounds, that it's not racism but that Colton just doesn't like him because he isn't rich. 

Jeff: "Colton, where are you from?"  "I'm from a little town in Alabama with 3000 people.  And, yes I went to private all white schools but I do know African Americans.  They worked for us as maids but really they were like part of the family.  Bill is all poor pitiful me, well I don't associate with people like that in the outside world.  Black people like him always want to live off the kindness of others".  Just fucking say it Colton.  YOU THINK BECAUSE HE'S BLACK HE IS ON WELFARE LIKE ALL OF "THOSE PEOPLE".  God I am so sick of this hatred!!! 

Bill points out that Colton has never had to work a day in his life.  Colton keeps doing the whatever neck roll and I want to bash his round gay head against the nearest fake tribal rock.  "The people I associate with are more educated, not like the pick up truck driving trash that lives in trailers". 

Tarzan says this conversation is going poorly. " Colten has been painted as a spoiled rich kid.  I think we all need to stop talking about race and just ignore the blatant racism that is going on around us".  He's an asshole as well. 

Jeff: You all bring differences to this game.  You either use them to get ahead or it will kill you. 

And then Bill is voted off.  Whatever...neck roll.

Survivor: It's Man's World

Hello and welcome to today's update of Survivor: It's a Man's Words. The women are continuing their losing streak, and the men have split into 2 alliances, the Lord of the Flies alliance (known as the "muscle") and the Revenge of the Nerds alliance. 

Following another bad tribal council where the women got rid of the crotchety old woman Nina, all eyes are  on Kat.  And, there's a big storm brewing.  A couple of the men come by and ask if they want to use their shelter and the girls are all, "no way, we're gonna suck it up".  Which lasts one night.  Women have had no sleep, they have no fire, they have no food and they have the sadz.  So, being the total pussies they are, they keep running to the mans camp to get warm, and to beg for fire. 

Matt ain't happy about it.  Matt is a total woman hater, in my opinion.  Well, maybe that's too extreme.  He pretty much hates anyone other than his muscular bare chested frat boy friends.  If I were a betting woman I'd say there's more than a little latent hidden homosexuality going on here. 

Challenge:  Jeff is in Light Blue.  Seriously, when is JC Penney's going to come out with a Jeff Probst collection???  I mean, hell, it'd be a good look for Ellen DeGeneres too.  It's a reward challenge for fishing supplies and a canoe.  And for the women to get Jeff off their damn back about what losers they are. 

Memory challenge.  It's a puppet show theater, with 6-8 items behind the curtain.  One from each tribe go head to head and they decide when to drop the curtain and recreate the items in order.  The men sit out Tarzan and Leif, which makes no sense to me unless Leif couldn't reach the lever to pull the curtain down. 

First 3 rounds go to the women.  Then comes the brain trust Kat vs Troyzan.  Seriously.  How much dope have these 2 smokes in their lives??  It takes them 7 rounds to get it right and Kat comes out ahead.  Final couple is Christina and  Bill, and you KNOW you can never beat a wicked smart Asian women with a memory test.  Women smoke the men and win reward. Men file a complaint with the EEOC saying this challenge was discriminatory since everyone KNOWS that women know where everything goes and remember where you left your shit months later. 

So back at the ranch, the women continue to be idiots.  They have to borrow an ember since all their coconuts are wet (yet they have a frigging flint).  The men want to know if that means they can borrow the canoe but no one can make that executive decision.  The men are getting annoyed that they won't agree to let them use the boat while they keep coming over and standing under their shelter and getting warm by their fire.  Colton is mad even.  Chelsea is having a little meltdown. 

But next day, the sun DOES come up so the girls are all cheerful.  3 of them go out in the boat and do some spearfishing, getting 3 little fish.  Troyzan is impressed. 

Challenge again, and this time Jeff is in a black shirt, which in the history of survivor I don't think has ever happened.  It's one of those communication challenges where one person is the caller and the others are blindfolded and have to trip over obstacles and shit.  Bill and Sabrina are the callers.  They have to lead their tribe by 2's out to get puzzle pieces.  Basically, Sabrina sucks at this.  Seriously.  The men get their 4th bag o puzzle before the women get their first one.  Men get their 5th bag while Sabrina continues to yell "just go straight" to women who are blindfolded and don't understand where straight is.  Bill gets a huge lead on his puzzle which is some Fisher Price 3D tree thing.  Finally the women get back and Sabrina starts the puzzle.  Jeff yells "You have to MOVE women".  And they do, they totally smoke the puzzle and WIN IMMUNITY!!!!

Matt is pleased because he can now use some of his testosterone "power".  Colton is also happy since he's sitting with the idol and wants to get rid of Bill who drives him crazy because he is all "Ghetto Trash".  God I love when gay's are all racist.  It really just brings the circle of hate all the way around in a little Karma package.  He hates how Bill is all "bro this and bro that". 

Tarzan on the other hand wants Matt to go.  I'm with Tarzan, not the least of which because I have Bill in the pool.  The revenge of the nerds is talking strategy and Jay comes up.  They say they have the numbers and ask if he wants to  join them,  which he says sure why not to.  Matt comes up flexing his pecs and asks "are you talking strategy?"  Everyone looks away and Tarzan says, "um, yes we are".  Then it's silent until Matt drags his knuckles as he walks away.  Later he pulls Troyzan away and gives him this weird speech about us being the roosters and needing less roosters but more chickens we can control.  Troyzan goes along with him saying later "it ain't Survivor unless you're lying".  Matt says, "we're still calling the shots and it's Colton". 

Tribal, and Jeff is in dark blue again.  Not that I care anymore.  Jeff gives the old fire = life in this game talk and then starts asking about alliances.  Michael says there are a lot of alliances, and Troyzan jumps in with well, we have 5 in our alliance.  Jeff asks if that makes Michael wonder if the math isn't on his side but that would mean he knows that 5 is more than 4 which these muscleheads don't seem to get.

Colton has to jump in with "I'm not worried because I have an idol and am not going home".  Geeeeez what a tool.  Jeff asks Michael, "didn't this tool just put a giant target on his back to force you to quickly make him play the idol??" 

Somehow we get into the gay thing, and Colton says he prefers to be with the girls because all of his friends at home are girls.  Jeff points out that he's no longer in Kansas, toto.  Jeff asks, isn't that a reverse duh double dare?  LOL.  "Do you even realize you have made yourself a target??"  Bill says that actually they are not judging Colton because he's gay but in fact he judged them all and decided they wouldn't like him because he is gay. 

Tarzan tries to smooth the way by saying Colton is useful because he's smart and strategic and he's got the women on his side which is useful now.  Matt says Tarzan is just shivering in his loincloth.  Jeff asks Matt if he's enjoying this game because he always seems to have a giant stick up his ass. Matt:  "i do have a giant stick up my ass because as an attorney, I am used to people listening to me and taking me seriously ALL THE DAMN TIME'.  Plus, I can flex my boobs.  Wanna see, Jeff??

Bill then goes on this very strange borderline hysterical thing about "Dude, this is just so damn cool to be sitting here on these fake logs on a fake set talking about sending someone home.  It's like that show Survivor!!  It's just so cool, I'm just so stoked that we lost and are now at Tribal where my alliance is about to be ground up like hot dogs.  AWESOME Dude".  Colton just shoots Jeff a "gawd can you believe these people???" look. 

Time to vote.  No idol play.  Once vote Colton, one vote and 5 votes Matt.  Who becomes the first future wife beater voted off the men's tribe.

Colton is purring like a cat and Tarzan asks Jeff to read the final votes, but he declines