Survivor: Hating Colton!!!

Seriously, I don't even want to write this week up because I'm just so pissed off at that little creep.  I want to beat the shit out of him and stuff him in a locker and let him scream all night. 

Ok.  So, last week the men were total jackwads and followed Colton down the 'we gotta go to tribal immediately" path, because the douchebag is totally vindictive and has the patience of a gnat.  Little girl boy.  And, in addition to the neck roll?  If I have to watch him check his fingernails one more damn time I am gonna kick a hole through my TV.  The women are all, "WTF???"  And Colton tells them that the OTHER men are CRAZY. 

Bang, it's 8:05pm and a challenge.  Drop your buffs we're switching tribes.  It's a random switch except since GOD is a regular Survivor watcher (as we know...) all the good people end up on one tribe and the other ends up as the island of misfit toys.  Blue team has all the muscle: Mike, Troyzan and Jaybird, plus the girl alliance of Kim, Kat, Sabrina and Chelsea.  Seriously.  The Orange team has Tarzan, Colton, Jonas, Leif, Monica, Christina and Alicia's very sore and enlarged breasts. 

Challenge: Carry a bit wine barrel thing to a water tower, fill it, and carry it back without losing much of it from the holes in the barrel.  Wanna know what you're playing for?  Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches, coffee AND the One World of Idiots beach.  The losers get a new beach. 

C'mon, you don't really even have to ask do you?  Blue team wins reward.  Colton is all "whatever" while he checks out his nails.  He thinks the other tribe are "Greek Gods and my tribe are peasants".  To quote Tess Hartman, how does this douche not get beat up daily??

Orange arrive at their new beach and are all, "oooh, this is nice, the sand is soft".  They do get pots and pans I notice.  Colton starts right in.  "I'm on a tribe with people who suck".  "I know how to relate to people and how to charm them."  He's totally working the girls, especially Christina and Alicia.  I'm SURE at some point he'll go all bad ass on her nasty bikini though.  "I'm telling everyone what they want to hear".  "Pinky Swear".  ARGH. 

Over on Muscle Beach, Mike and Chelsea go crab fishing, and catch 4 enormous crabs.  THEN Troy relives his quarterback days and catches a chicken.  Clearly the Gods are smiling on this team.  It's a pretty unified team of beauty.  The woman's entire alliance is together and all of the frat boys are together.  Troy, Jay and Kim strike up a little alliance.  Kim is clearly working both alliances.  Speaking of Kim, she is the only one SMART ENOUGH to finally go look for the hidden idol, which she finds and stuffs in her crotch.  She tells Chelsea that she has it. 

Over on dysfunctional beach, everyone is building shelter except of course for Colton who just keeps running back and forth between Alicia and Jonas promising them the world.  Colton and Alicia form an alliance because as Colton keeps pointing out he only ever wanted to be with the girls anyway, so they are counting him as their 4th girl on the team.  Monica isn't totally believing him.  Colton tells Alicia that Christina has to go first.  Alicia, who is NO FAN of Christina, originally says NO WAY.  She thinks Colton is crazy and that they need to start picking off the men. 

Jonas confronts Colton.  What's up with Alicia??  Colton says "oh I'm just playing her, I'm still with the guys".  Jonas is not a fan of Colton-says he's a lazy ass.  "How does he get away with that"?  Well, Jonas, probably because of smacked asses like yourself.  Jonas wants Christina to go first.  "Don't scam me, bro".  HEY JUST A GOD DAMN MINUTE.  When the BLACK dude said "Bro" to Colton, that was reason for dismissal.  F'ing Hypocrite. 

Christina and Monica use a cage to catch a chicken but it gets out.  Which annoys Colton all get out even though he hasn't done JACK SHIT to feed anybody.  "These people suck at Survivor".  He now wants Monica to go first, mainly because he is a vindictive ASSHOLE.  He tells Alicia that it's now Monica and then Christina.  Hey, wait a minute, she finally figures out that it is NOT in fact an all girl alliance.  She tells Colton "you're asking me to trust the men".  "No, I'm asking you to trust me, another mean girl like yourself".  She agrees in a move that I can only hope comes back to bite her on the ass. 

Challenge.  It's water basketball, 3 on 3. 

First up are the men and Colton hardly tries.  Blue scores easily.  Next it's men and women.  Mike gets the ball and misses like 5 times.  It's a battle but the blue team scores again.  It's first to 3.  All women up next, it's scrappy but Monica makes a basket to keep the orange team alive.  Finally back to men.  Colton actually hustles to get the ball and the other men basically try and hold him under.  Which I am totally fine with. No rules, right Jeff??  Blue of course wins immunity. 

Alicia and Colton are anticipating the biggest blindside of the game so far.  Jonas "as long as he isn't voting for me, I'll be Colton's bitch".  Jonas and Colton are sitting around and Christina comes up and says "C'mon, we're voting for Tarzan, right???"  Colton's like "OMG we just said that!"  Monica comes up  they all say "yep, Tarzan".  They also tell Leif, and Jonas still doesn't trust him.  Colton tells Leif and Tarzan it's Monica.  Tarzan can't remember names.  LOL. 

Tribal is very benign tonight.  Colton pisses me off with his facial expressions and his "jeff, can you believe these idiots??" attitude. 

Monica says the switch has turned out to be a blessing because they are a united team. 
Colton "if Monica thinks she can turn this sinking ship around good luck to her"
Alicia: "Monica is awesome....."
Jeff says "I smell a big but coming" which tickles Colton.  Alicia admits Monica is a threat.
Monica is surprised.  "I'm just trying to be helpful to the team"
Leif: She is a very good worker and a great mother.

Tarzan goes on some weird ASS monologue.  "I dropped my assertiveness to a new lode star...I shan't say who..."
Leif say, "Tarzan is.....complex"
Everyone is amused.  He admits he has aphasia and can't remember people's names. 

They vote.  Tarzan gets 2 votes and Monica gets the rest.  Christina is totally pissed off.