Survivor: It's Man's World

Hello and welcome to today's update of Survivor: It's a Man's Words. The women are continuing their losing streak, and the men have split into 2 alliances, the Lord of the Flies alliance (known as the "muscle") and the Revenge of the Nerds alliance. 

Following another bad tribal council where the women got rid of the crotchety old woman Nina, all eyes are  on Kat.  And, there's a big storm brewing.  A couple of the men come by and ask if they want to use their shelter and the girls are all, "no way, we're gonna suck it up".  Which lasts one night.  Women have had no sleep, they have no fire, they have no food and they have the sadz.  So, being the total pussies they are, they keep running to the mans camp to get warm, and to beg for fire. 

Matt ain't happy about it.  Matt is a total woman hater, in my opinion.  Well, maybe that's too extreme.  He pretty much hates anyone other than his muscular bare chested frat boy friends.  If I were a betting woman I'd say there's more than a little latent hidden homosexuality going on here. 

Challenge:  Jeff is in Light Blue.  Seriously, when is JC Penney's going to come out with a Jeff Probst collection???  I mean, hell, it'd be a good look for Ellen DeGeneres too.  It's a reward challenge for fishing supplies and a canoe.  And for the women to get Jeff off their damn back about what losers they are. 

Memory challenge.  It's a puppet show theater, with 6-8 items behind the curtain.  One from each tribe go head to head and they decide when to drop the curtain and recreate the items in order.  The men sit out Tarzan and Leif, which makes no sense to me unless Leif couldn't reach the lever to pull the curtain down. 

First 3 rounds go to the women.  Then comes the brain trust Kat vs Troyzan.  Seriously.  How much dope have these 2 smokes in their lives??  It takes them 7 rounds to get it right and Kat comes out ahead.  Final couple is Christina and  Bill, and you KNOW you can never beat a wicked smart Asian women with a memory test.  Women smoke the men and win reward. Men file a complaint with the EEOC saying this challenge was discriminatory since everyone KNOWS that women know where everything goes and remember where you left your shit months later. 

So back at the ranch, the women continue to be idiots.  They have to borrow an ember since all their coconuts are wet (yet they have a frigging flint).  The men want to know if that means they can borrow the canoe but no one can make that executive decision.  The men are getting annoyed that they won't agree to let them use the boat while they keep coming over and standing under their shelter and getting warm by their fire.  Colton is mad even.  Chelsea is having a little meltdown. 

But next day, the sun DOES come up so the girls are all cheerful.  3 of them go out in the boat and do some spearfishing, getting 3 little fish.  Troyzan is impressed. 

Challenge again, and this time Jeff is in a black shirt, which in the history of survivor I don't think has ever happened.  It's one of those communication challenges where one person is the caller and the others are blindfolded and have to trip over obstacles and shit.  Bill and Sabrina are the callers.  They have to lead their tribe by 2's out to get puzzle pieces.  Basically, Sabrina sucks at this.  Seriously.  The men get their 4th bag o puzzle before the women get their first one.  Men get their 5th bag while Sabrina continues to yell "just go straight" to women who are blindfolded and don't understand where straight is.  Bill gets a huge lead on his puzzle which is some Fisher Price 3D tree thing.  Finally the women get back and Sabrina starts the puzzle.  Jeff yells "You have to MOVE women".  And they do, they totally smoke the puzzle and WIN IMMUNITY!!!!

Matt is pleased because he can now use some of his testosterone "power".  Colton is also happy since he's sitting with the idol and wants to get rid of Bill who drives him crazy because he is all "Ghetto Trash".  God I love when gay's are all racist.  It really just brings the circle of hate all the way around in a little Karma package.  He hates how Bill is all "bro this and bro that". 

Tarzan on the other hand wants Matt to go.  I'm with Tarzan, not the least of which because I have Bill in the pool.  The revenge of the nerds is talking strategy and Jay comes up.  They say they have the numbers and ask if he wants to  join them,  which he says sure why not to.  Matt comes up flexing his pecs and asks "are you talking strategy?"  Everyone looks away and Tarzan says, "um, yes we are".  Then it's silent until Matt drags his knuckles as he walks away.  Later he pulls Troyzan away and gives him this weird speech about us being the roosters and needing less roosters but more chickens we can control.  Troyzan goes along with him saying later "it ain't Survivor unless you're lying".  Matt says, "we're still calling the shots and it's Colton". 

Tribal, and Jeff is in dark blue again.  Not that I care anymore.  Jeff gives the old fire = life in this game talk and then starts asking about alliances.  Michael says there are a lot of alliances, and Troyzan jumps in with well, we have 5 in our alliance.  Jeff asks if that makes Michael wonder if the math isn't on his side but that would mean he knows that 5 is more than 4 which these muscleheads don't seem to get.

Colton has to jump in with "I'm not worried because I have an idol and am not going home".  Geeeeez what a tool.  Jeff asks Michael, "didn't this tool just put a giant target on his back to force you to quickly make him play the idol??" 

Somehow we get into the gay thing, and Colton says he prefers to be with the girls because all of his friends at home are girls.  Jeff points out that he's no longer in Kansas, toto.  Jeff asks, isn't that a reverse duh double dare?  LOL.  "Do you even realize you have made yourself a target??"  Bill says that actually they are not judging Colton because he's gay but in fact he judged them all and decided they wouldn't like him because he is gay. 

Tarzan tries to smooth the way by saying Colton is useful because he's smart and strategic and he's got the women on his side which is useful now.  Matt says Tarzan is just shivering in his loincloth.  Jeff asks Matt if he's enjoying this game because he always seems to have a giant stick up his ass. Matt:  "i do have a giant stick up my ass because as an attorney, I am used to people listening to me and taking me seriously ALL THE DAMN TIME'.  Plus, I can flex my boobs.  Wanna see, Jeff??

Bill then goes on this very strange borderline hysterical thing about "Dude, this is just so damn cool to be sitting here on these fake logs on a fake set talking about sending someone home.  It's like that show Survivor!!  It's just so cool, I'm just so stoked that we lost and are now at Tribal where my alliance is about to be ground up like hot dogs.  AWESOME Dude".  Colton just shoots Jeff a "gawd can you believe these people???" look. 

Time to vote.  No idol play.  Once vote Colton, one vote and 5 votes Matt.  Who becomes the first future wife beater voted off the men's tribe.

Colton is purring like a cat and Tarzan asks Jeff to read the final votes, but he declines