Survivor: Death of Pig Pen

Ahhhhh, some episodes when I re-watch to take notes and do the update are a chore.  But this episode was an utter JOY to re-watch.  Just the Best. Damn. Tribal. Ever.

So the week before "the gay", Michael went to Ponderosa.  Malcolm says "everything we tried to do went wrong".  Meanwhile Stealth R US is celebrating since "they have no idols now!!!"

Malcolm: We gotta get up tomorrow and find that idol!

Cochran and Phillip are sitting around talking about how Dawn is stronger than they thought when she loses her shit.  Apparently she has summer teeth (as in some are there and some are not) and she lost her plate when she was swimming.  She's crying and yelling for Brenda to come and help her, because if she doesn't find it "I'm pulling myself from the game".  Brenda comes out and finds her teeth, they hug and bond over the missing dentures. 

Challenge:  Teams are divided and have to run a balance beam, dig bags of balls up from mud, roll around in the rice that the little Hantz shit dumped and Mark Burnett insisted they find a use for, and then the teams have to shoot balls in a basket thing.  Wanna know?  A trip to a resort, lunch and a nice swimming pool.  Or as Jeff calls it "my home while doing Survivor". 

Purple team is Wrap, Erick, Dawn, Cochran and Phillip.  Orange: Eddie, Malc, Sherri, Brenda and Andrea. 

Erick and Malcolm start out and Erick flies through while Malcolm tries to find all of the bags in the mud for the rest of his team.  Interesting strategy that Wrap takes up and does better, finding all of his balls while Phillip is looking for the last one.  Sherri totally DRAGS the orange team down because those fake breasts really are difficult for someone to walk on a balance beam with.  Basically it's a slam dunk for the purple team. 

Reward.  Tons of food.  Cochran says " I hear protein is good for one's strength and I need to keep mine up so I can keep being a challenge monster".  Dawn is all into the shower.  Seriously, if I'd been living with these people for 28 days I would not have cared a BIT about stripping my bathing suit off and really taking a shower out in the open.  Jeff could have pixalated all of my good parts.  But she doesn't. 

Phillip skips the shower and jumps right into the beautiful clean pool and like pig pen, leaves a giant cloud of dirt and rice all in the pool.  Erick is totally disgusted with him.  "It's like how he always is-jumps in without a care for the rest of us". 

Returning back to camp Dawn can't sleep like all of us her age.  She's totally paranoid about being blindsided.  She's paranoid about Andrea spending time with Eddie and Malcolm. She's convinced they are conspiring to take her out on her 28 day anniversary. 

Phillip declares Dawn is a lunatic and she's gone.  Even Cochran is suspicious of why she is so sure she thinks she is going to be blindsided.   Andrea and Phillip agree that she's losing it.  Dawn cries to Cochran.    "It's looking like another hummingbird is zipping over the cuckoo's nest. 

Next morning she wakes up "normal" having slept really well in her striped high socks and granny dress.  Stealth R US meet and discuss strategy.  Split the vote.  "Tonight nothing can go wrong..."

Immunity Challenge.  It's the a reenactment of the Shelley Winters final swim from the Poseidon Adventure.  Google it. 

In 2 heats Survivors will run over a swim platform, dive under and pull themselves along the length, jump back up, grab a ring and repeat.   First time 2 times, second time 5 times. 

First heat: Wrap, Cochran, Dawn, Andrea and Sherri.  Wrap and Andrea move on.

In the second heat Phillip pulls himself out.  As we will hear again and again he had an incident as a child and can't to the challenge.  So it's Brenda. Malcolm, Eddie and Erick.  Brenda and Malcolm move on.

Wrap wins immunity!  I don't really like him but he is some decent eye candy. Wrap declares when the get back to camp that he respects everyone for doing the challenge.  He has no respect for Phillip. 

Phillip and Andrea agree-let's split the vote between Malcolm and Eddie. 

Last minute search for the idol.  Now, this is why I would never have an immunity necklace on Survivor.  There is NO FREAKING way I would be putting my hands in tree holes or in rock crevices where there could be biting or stinging things.  Of course that's only when the trees are real and not just paper mache sets!  Anyway, the boyz club is out looking and Dawn and Andrea decide to go out as well.  They are literally standing there when Malcolm pulls out an idol.  Hmmmmm.  Is it a new one or the one we already know he has??? 

Stealth R Us decides to still split the vote.

Tribal. 

Wrap- you guys really are on the outs aren't you?  Yep!
Eddie: One of us needs to keep winning immunity to stay in the game
Andrea: Yep, Eddie my love you are a dead man walking tonight because Malcolm has the idol.  And a BIG ASS shit eating grin.  He pulls it out and puts it on. 
Cochran: Wrap actually was our first choice. 
Jeff gives Phillip an excuse to tell his boy trapped under a dock story one last time. 
Andrea: Yes, there is a lot of paranoia. 
Malcolm: Yes Jeff there is also tension.  Where the hell are  you getting these lame ass questions?? Just to change the topic, Malcolm pulls the other idol out of his pocket and gives it to Eddie who is about to fall over from joy and shock.  LOL!!

And it's the funniest 5 minutes of Survivor history as all of the other 7 scramble and talk in front of the "3 amigos" about who to switch the vote to.  Jeff says he wants to have individual remotes so he can pause all of the conversations and hear them all. 

Malcolm: oh, and we're all voting for Phillip.  He's the fun sponge and it doesn't have to be all militaristic out here.
Phillip accuses him of labeling him.
Andrea:  Jeff I am totally confused and still paranoid
Erick:  Hey y'all I know I never ever talk but yo, they haven't all said they were going to PLAY their idols....maybe "we" should stick with our original plan. 
Phillip: Yea, we should vote the way we were going to anyway.  LOL, which basically ensures they will play them...
Cochran:  I'm having a bipolar moment because this is so exciting!!
Dawn: We could still take someone out in our own alliance...

Time to vote... anyone want to play their idols?  Hell yes! Eddie can't wait to. Malcolm thinks about it but plays it. 

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Phillip is vote out.  Basically Erick sold him out I think because of the swimming pool Foo Pa.

Survivor Scramble

OK then!  Corrine was voted off last week and I incorrectly indicated that she would be the first member of the jury, which given there was a merge was perfectly expected.  But it appears that she is NOT a jury member which is good news for Stealth R US.

Last week was all monkey pictures and dramatic music.  Not really sure why but hey it's a nice change from the snakes.  Wrap declares Corrine's blindside a "victory", because a FAV went home instead of a FAN.  Um, yea Wrap but that favorite was one of your numbers.  Malcolm declares that they missed cutting off the head of the snake.  Or monkey as the case may have been. 

Phillip is all up in Sherri's ugly grill.  "When I first saw you on the beach I thought you were HOT".  Those boys are gonna learn "treat mamma improperly and you're gonna pay".  Hmmmm.  I'm starting to see why he JUST MIGHT  be a former special agent... He names her tenacity and tells her she has to be loyal and trustworthy.  And since, shit, she doesn't really have any options why not go along?  "Phillip is my new Shamar".  YA GOT THAT RIGHT!!!

Reward challenge: it's like soccer but in the water and with leaps off a pier.  Wanna know what you're playing for?  You get to repel down a waterfall and eat a picnic.  The schoolyard pick ends up with the boyz club on one side with Cochran, and the girls on the other with Phillip and Malcolm.  It's pretty close but the Boyz club wins reward.  Cochran actually scores!!! 

I love Cochran.  Seriously.  He's not really that thrilled with the whole repelling down a waterfall thing.  "I rarely leave my apartment....actually I rarely leave twitter".  But he loves the repelling.  For all I know Cochran is now running the rock climb wall at Chuck E Cheese! 

Picnic time and all the manly men are all doing the whole locker room testosterone thing.  They're trying to tell Cochran that he doesn't want to play with those stinky girls-he should want to hang out with them slapping  butts and sniffing each other's jock straps.  Cochran: "They must really not know me if they think I would prefer masculine tomfoolery with these numbskulls. 

Back at camp, Malcolm sees this as his chance to work his "alliance" with the fans.  He tries working on Sherri and Dawn to join his band of warriors.  He tells Dawn that Sherri just agreed.  Apparently Dawn is totally working Malcolm.  Sherri and Dawn talk to Andrea and they decide Malcolm has to go.  Phillip wants to again split the vote between Eddie and Reynolds. 

And now we have this very strange and I gotta say scripted interlude with Andrea and Mike talking about some "island dating", which has been so far TOTALLY NON EXISTENT.  It's quite bizarre and I can't tell if Andrea really does like this meathead or what.  Eddie tells her he'll always be loyal to her.  She asks if he knows of any idols and he says no.  "I'm indirectly hitting on you".  Frankly I think Eddie is setting himself up for a little Ponderosa shag partner. 

Immunity challenge.  It's the Dick Cheney Waterboarding special.  Survivors hang under a grate as the tide rolls in.  Jeff gets all excited as they all slowly start to struggle and possibly drown.  "You're gonna start to paaaaaanic....."    Anyway, Brenda wins immunity.  Frankly I think she just had the skinniest face that fit between the bars. 

Annnnnnnd let the scrambling begin.  Malcolm "I  need the FAVS to think I am with them".  Why on earth would they still think that??  Andrea and Dawn tell him it's Eddie.  Dawn is totally working Malcolm, who tells her it's Andrea and Sherri is with him.  She acts all freaked out and he tells her Reynolds has an idol.  She even gets Wrap to show her the idol.  Of course he also threatens her that there will be hell to pay if she screws him.  Which just pissed Dawn off more. 

Eddie runs off to talk to his sudden girlfriend Andrea.  He asks "are you splitting the votes"?  She won't commit but keeps saying "it's not you".  "But if wrap plays an idol, I could go home".  Wait a minute sugar, you told me you didn't know about any idols??  "It could be you Andrea..."

And then Andrea freaks out.  Instead of blindsiding Malcolm she wants to go with the safe-aka no idol- vote Mike, who we thankfully don't have to hear referred to as "the gay" anymore.  Cochran and basically everyone else think she's making a huge mistake.  It's a safe vote.  Dawn is freaking out.  "All of my good work today has gone down the drain". 

Tribal
Mike, was last week a glimmer of hope?  Yes, a FAV went home.
Phillip: FAVS have a strategy called Stealth R US.  Sherri is our newest double agent.  Blah blah blah.
Sherri: well you all did vote for me.  Paybacks are a bitch.
Eddie" At least I'm not a puppet.
Wrap: an idol could totally change the game tonight.
Phillip: If we know you have an idol, you will go home. 
Andrea: Yes, there are too many FAVS, and at some point someone is gonna flip and make a move to move up on the totem pole.
Phillip: This is not the right time.  You'll get flushed out.  Goodbye.

Vote:
Anyone have an idol?  Wrap stands up but Malcolm stops him.  Give me the idol, I'm the target, that's what Phillip's speech was all about.  He gives it to him. 

Andrea 3 votes
Reynolds 1 vote from Malcolm?
Mike- 6 votes and you need to bring me your torch.

Wrap just looks totally confused. 

SURVIVOR UPDATE: Mmmm Mmmmm Good

So it's been a week and Phillip is still trying to convince people that he threw the last challenge to get rid of another FAN.  Could be, but neither Dawn or Corrine believe him.  You could actually see Corrine biting her cheek to keep from laughing at him.

Phillip is also warning everyone that upon the merge, they can't have any 1 on 1 conversations with any of the FAVS. 

Dawn is all teary eyed, because this is when she got hung out to dry last time around and she has 6 kids and needs the money.  Honey, enjoy this vacation from those 6 kids. 

Bam.  Merge.  And let's all pretend we like each other, because there is food and wine!  And green buffs and a new tribe Enil Edam which does not mean "new beginnings" but which is named after Malcolm's mom backwards. 

Phillip is in overdrive.  Gives Andrea a bit and I imagine smelly hug, discusses how they are really the tight 4 within their 6  within the whole 12.  "Pretend you are Boston Rob".  Dude, if I were Rob I'd be constantly checking for identity theft.  The fans have to go first....but"in scrambles, anything can  happen". 

Corrine runs to Malcolm and they do the manic 5 minute catch up. Phillip was so MEAN to me.  "I have 4 votes".  "I have 2 votes".  So, together we have how many class?  6 votes, which is only enough for a tie.  Corrine wants to get rid of Sherri first, and Malcolm agrees because she is weird.  She also has either permanent false eyelashes or badly dyed and tattooed eyelids.  Corrine "I've never been involved in a blindside..."

Annnnnd, it's an eating challenge.  UGH.  I hate these and spent the next 10 minutes with a blanket over my head.  Eddie is afraid eating something gross will harm his chances later with the ladies, yet Cochran thinks it's gonna help him get a little more danger swagger. 

Ist challenge is beetle larva and it is moving.  Andrea, Malcolm and Eddie finish first. The next  people get the same thing and Cochran, Phillip and Mike move ahead.  Strangely, that weird Erik keeps eating on his larva long after the challenge is over. 

Next up it's ship worms, a member of the clam family but nasty.  "The termites of the sea".  Mmmmmm.  Moving ahead are Malcolm, Eddie and Cochran.  Cochran is like a machine in this challenge.

These 3 eat the coveted duck embryos which brings us to a "David and Goliath" finale of Cochran and Malcolm.  They get to chow on pig brain and it's a close one but COCHRAN WINS IMMUNITY!!!  He dances around and says "Jeff is gonna touch my shoulders". 

Phillip wants to split the vote between Eddie and Reynolds wrap.  Corrine of course doesn't want to do that and wants to take out Sheri.  No.  Phillip wants to take out a big fish.  Corrine is pissed off because he never listens to her.  "That sealed my vote".  Cochran wonders why she is so adamant about keeping Eddie and Wrap.  Hmmmmm.  He believes that the FAVS have to stick together and get rid of all the FANS or they will risk showing a hole in the alliance that could be exploited. 

Corrine is just mad.  She wants to bring in someone else to make 7.  She talks to Dawn about her 6 person alliance, and Dawn thinks, "here we go again...".  This time she talks to Cochran and tells him what's up.  So THAT'S why she wanted Sherrie!  Dammit, she's been working us this whole time! 

Cochran talks to Andrea. They're up for a blindside-we need flaky Erik.  Andrea tells Phillip, and he's pissed that Corrine thinks she could get rid of the specialist.  Phillip talks to Sherri, who's in but can't stand Phillip.

Cochran cannot believe their fate is left to Ice Cream Scooper Erik.

Tribal
Mike: yes, Jeff, it is fair to assume it's a fan.
Corrine: yep, their helpless although I'm always open to suggestions...
Dawn: It's time people realize that not all 12 can be in the final 3
Cochran: yes, I've heard Corrine is open...
Reynolds: now would be the time for a FAN to make a move...
Erik: There is always someone on the bottom of an alliance that gets desperate
Andrea: I'M PARANOID
Corrine "Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face".  OH WOULDN'T THAT BE NICE CORRINE!!
Sherri: Nope, fans don't have a shot.
Wrap: There's a going on under the surface Jeff and it's gonna pop soon!  There are some shockers on the way!  INDEED!!!

Time to vote.
Corrine: "Sorry Sherri but I wasn't taking applications for a new best friend..."

Annnnnnnd....the next person voted off and the first member of the jury is....CORRINE.  DING DONG. 

Survivor March Update

Say WHAAAAAT??  That lazy Survivor pool bitch is getting off of her fat ass and actually doing an update? 

Indeed I am.  I had to watch a few back episodes to catch myself up, so here goes.  Last we talked, Brandon honored the Hantz family by going out in a holy trail of craziness.  Seriously, that was some good ASS TV.  He totally ripped Phillip and Corrine, and blasted the entire tribe to the UTTER thrill of Reynolds Wrap and the other tribe.  But at least Brandon was the ARTHER OF HIS OWN DESTINY. 

Of course back at the beach, Philip and Corrine are kinda pissed off that no one came to their defense.  Like, sure, who wouldn't jump in front of that crazy train to say something good about, um, Phillip and Corrine? 

The following day, the tribes are brought together again and Matt goes on about how bad he feels for Phillip.  Uhuh. It's swap time!  And Jeff has more colored eggs!  The tribes are shuffled with basically anyone with a brain and a body on one side, and the rag tag losers on the other side.  Let's just call it Beauty vs the Beastlies.  Yea, I'm pretty sure you can see where this is going challenge wise.  But first, on the Beauty side, both Wrap and Sherrie spew their guts, mainly Sherrie, telling the FAVS just about everything they needed to know about the dysfunction on the FANS side.  It's clear Wrap and Eddie are on the outs and are frankly easy pickins for someone who wants to start a new alliance. 

Phillip talks first to Matt and Mike and "gives then their instructions", which almost make Matt lol.   He then strangely starts working on Julia, who he calls "the girl" to be a double agent.  Or, as they say in the Beverly Hillbillies, a double naught spy.  Phillip and Corrine continue to bitch about each other. 

Challenge: It's that line up giant crates to spell FANS vs FAVS challenge.  Bottom line, the beasties suck it as badly as you could imagine, and lose.  So, drama.  Which FAN gets kicked off.  Corrine wants to keep Michael because she loves playing with a gay.  She wants Matt to go because he told her he doesn't have the idol.  Cochran and Dawn want to split the boys up.  I think Phillip wants "the girl" to go.  Anyway, Corrine convinces them it's "survivor 101" to get rid of someone you know doesn't have the idol and prevent a shocker that would decrease the FAVS numbers.  So Matt is gone.

So that brings us to last week. 

Corrine is still talking about the gay.  She is forming a thing with the gay and wants to keep him around.  Yea, it's kinda of annoying to me.  Phillip has his sights on Corrine.  Cochran doesn't want to do it before the merge. 

Challenge: the strong must bear the weak.  Cochran makes a few jokes about how they're all good with weak.  Phillip is all "I can win it all with my upper body strength, I'm deceptively buff due to this stealth workout I use that doesn't build any discernable muscles.  LOL.  He tries to teach Cochran arm wrestling.  "Phillip you are proving your significant strength".  I am loving Cochran this season and think he needs to do an analysis every season. 

The challenge is that carry 20 lbs and run around a ring chasing each other thing.  Wanna know what you're playing for?  Caramoan Starbucks. 

 Phillip wants to be in the front because he's the strength of the team.   Team Beauty spreads out the strength along the line.  It really doesn't matter because Phillip refuses to run, "i gotta save my legs for when all the weight comes to me".  Yea.  They get eaten alive.  Dawn's OK because all that coffee and sugar is a "diarrhea feast". 

Corrine is pissed.  Phillip knows all of his strengths and none of his weaknesses. 

The Beauties enjoy and bond.  Malcolm is starting to plan the second half of the game.  He knows no one is gonna want to go to the end with him so he is thinking of bonding with the other muscles and forming a he man alliance.  He later talks to Wrap and the 4 mens form an alliance.  Wrap even tells Malcolm about his idol. 

Corrine calls Phillip a tubby lunchbox.  A lose amoeba.  Cochran knows something is coming to a head with those 2.  Meanwhile Phillip keeps talking to Julia about being a double naught spy.  Julia tells Dawn what Phillip said to her, asks "why don't we just get rid of Phillip?"  Dawn tells Phillip and she's toast.  Julia just committed a Foo Pa. 

Immunity challenge:  3 people paddle out, dive down and bring back a statue, put it on a platform, hook keys, unlock a bar and then raise a flag.  Got it?  Doesn't really matter, does it?  Beauty wins.  Phillip was tossing the grappling hook for they keys and lost another challenge. 

Phillip is sulking.  He tells Cochran he has a confession-he threw the challenge on purpose.  LOL.  Cochran: It's complete crap-it excites me how delusional he is.  He couldn't even use the grappling hook-THE SPY'S BASIC TOOL".  HAHAHA.

Corrine of course wants the gay to stay.  Phillip wants Julia.  But they want to do a split vote in case of an idol, and then a revote.  Corrine just wants the gay to stay and not have the first tie vote as a show of trust for Michael.  Phillip is all "blah blah Boston Rob blah blah. 

Tribal. 
Morale is low, yes Jeff.
Julia-there is also tension in the 4 FAVS
Corrine: It's between Julia and Michael.
Phillip: Some people are forgetting the process. 
Dawn: yes there is tension between Phillip and Corrine but they have the same goal
Jeff: Phillip, why do you keep offering to be the hero when you're a jackass?  I lost but I carried that big heavy statue by myself and that weakened me
Mike: I've been working to gain their trust
Cochran: yes, we all know Corrine likes to play with the gays but that kind of friendship works against them
Corrine: I'm not interested in a 2 person alliance
Julia: I think I've been playing with one strategy and am now ready to play with another strategy.  LOL!! 

Time to vote.  Vote 1 is a 3-3 tie (which makes me wonder why Julia and Mike didn't join forces for someone).  Second vote is all Julia's.  Good luck with that new strategy Vanilla Girl!