Survivor: Spy Shack Edition

Good afternoon and welcome to today's VERY RAINY update.  I am putting off my rainy day nap to get this out to y'all so I better get a "wow was that freaking awesome". 

The question has to be asked.  Can Tony be stopped?  I'm not sure anyone is even trying.  In an interview LJ said it was almost impossible to play against someone as irrational as Tony.  I totally get that.  And I just want to scream: THIS MAN CARRIES A GUN TO HIS DAY JOB?????  Trish seems at least to be able to manage him, but I think we're starting to get to the point that taking him to the finale because you think he's so hated isn't a good idea. 

Ok, the update.  Last tribal, Woo and Tony flipped to get out LJ,  Jethra (or is it Jefra?  I don't think I've ever typed her name this whole season) is mad.  Why didn't you tell us?  Tony gives her some song and dance about "You and Trish wouldn't have gone along and it would have gotten nasty".  Was it a 1 vote alliance?  Yes.  Kass and Jefra realize that they're really the bottom of the 6 alliance. 

Spencer totally wants to make a move against Tony.  Tony realizes he's probably in trouble, so in typical MANIC, FAST TALKING Tony mode, he thinks "what I need is a cloak of invisibility.....so let me make up a SPY SHACK. "  It's more like a spy bush near the water well, where he sits and listens to conversations.  I'm guessing no one notices that there is a camera trained on a freaking bush. 

And just like that, Jefra and Trish walk up and talk about the alliance.  Trish convinces Jefra that there is still an alliance.  She thinks Tony is an award winning actor (Tony only hears the award winning part...) She's OK with LJ going but not with the fact that Tony lied to her face.  Helllloooooooo!!!!!!!!!  Where has this twit been all season??? 

And, just like that Tony doesn't trust Jefra. 

Challenge:  2 teams row out and collect paddles with letters on them, and then they solve a word puzzle.  Hey, is one of the words LAME?? Wanna know what you're playing for?  A trip to Crystal Cave (I still have my pencil from the 3rd grade trip) and a BBQ lunch.  Wow!  BBQ!  Chicken, ribs and potato salad!  Authentic native food again!  Seriously, why not just start holding Survivor in the swamps of Louisiana?  I mean, they don't even TRY to pretend with the Rent-a-Native services anymore. 

So, yea it's a lame challenge.  I don't even watch the challenges anymore.  It comes down to the letters.  Tony is of course watching what the other side is doing (HELLO, PROBST, HOW ABOUT A FRIGGIN SCREEN ON THESE PUZZLE CHALLENGES??)  It's Woo and Kass working against Tasha and Spencer.  It's "worth playing for", and Tasha, Spencer, Jeremiah and Jefra win the challenge.  Tony and the others are freaked out about Jefra, who is already not trustable, spending time with these 3.  Kass says, Meh, I'm  OK with just a 5 person alliance, basically because that bumps her up one. 

Everyone's sitting down and Trish is out getting water and stuff.  "Oh, are we strategizing??  I just found limes and papayas that the producers wired to trees".  Tony is annoyed that she isn't that worried about Jefra.  Trish takes Woo with her to get the fruit and Tony goes off to find the special idol.  And in one of the WORST promo'd pieces ever, we see Woo FALL OUT OF A TREE!  And I SWEAR to GOD the promo had him falling out MUCH HIGHER THAN HE REALLY DID.  So, he falls and it's like OMG IS THIS A GAME CHANGER???? Nope.  Just fell on his ass. 

Ok.  I'm Ok.  The caves are EPIC.  And the food is FABULOUS!  Jefra, how many riblets do you want?  "I'll have 2...don't want to get too full".  They're working on her.  She's "confused because I wasn't told about LJ"  She thinks Tony has to go.  The native guide in the native dress- black pants and an izod shirt,  returns.  I mean c'mon, you can't even throw me a headdress make of bones or something??  A POLO shirt????  FFS.  He hands then the added bonus.  LETTERS FROM HOME!  It's a cry fest.  Jefra's mom has really neat handwriting, although she didn't ever learn cursive writing apparently.  She tells Jefra "don't let your kind heart be your downfall.  Don't be afraid to lie..."  OOOOOH, WILL THIS BE A GAME CHANGER????  She thinks it's a sign from the producer Gods that she should jump ship.  She shakes everyone's hand and they proclaim WE'RE FINAL 4!!

Immunity is up for GRABS Challenge.

Stand on a beam, balance a ball on a pedestal, and with time more down the beam.  The challenge starts and wow, WHAT A FRICKEN COINCIDENCE, ANOTHER BIG WIND COMES UP.  Jeff says, "A lot of balls are moving".  Talkin' about your swinging set big man?  First round it's Jefra, Trish, Tony and Kass out.  Second round, Jeremiah.  It comes down to Woo, Tasha and Spencer.  Tasha wins immunity once again. 

Jefra talks to Trish.  I'm totally not feeling safe.  Kass joins in. Jefra says "I'm over his lies, he's on my nerves" .
Jefra tells her " Nobody likes him, that's why we're keeping him.  To go up against him in the end". And just like that, Tony finds the fucking special idol.  And, frankly, it's a GAME KILLER.  Seriously, the special powers allows the finder to use immunity AFTER THE VOTES ARE READ.  So there's NO CHANCE of Tony going home as long as he has it. He's SUPER TONY!!  It'll be interesting if he ever uses it because if it were my season, I'd basically walk off and say, THAT IS BULLSHIT.

Tony walks up while they're in the water bitching about him.  Trish tells him "we need to trust you tony".  WHOOOO NEEDS TO TRUST ME???  Trish thinks she's helping him with Jefra by calling him out in front of her.  Kass thinks Spencer has the idol. They discuss this for a bit. 

Jefra apparently ISN'T GONNA CHANGE THE GAME.  She tells Jeremiah, sorry but I'm not voting for you. 

Tasha, Spencer and Jeremiah are hanging out.  Jeremiah decides to make his big confession.  HOLY SHIT HE'S GAY???  Nope.  He's a fashion model.  LMAO.  Didn't see THAT ONE coming, did ya?  In exchange for the big reveal, Spencer tells them he has the idol.  They decide to target Woo. 

Tribal:
Spencer agrees that, yes, Jeff, I'm on the outs.  Now I see how you earn the big bucks. He says Jefra went back to her original alliance. 
Jefra: My options are better with Tony.
Spencer: It's frustrating because Tony keeps breaking promises
Tony: WHEN DID I BREAK ANY PROMISES???
Um, when you got rid of LJ?That wasn't breaking promises.....
Spencer tells them all that if they're on the jury their votes are going to go with Tony because he's the only one making moves.
Trish: We called him out on lying and he said he's going to stop that crap.  SURE TRISH, LIARS ALWAYS SAY THAT!!
Woo says they've been thinking which one has an idol, Jeremiah or Spencer.  He think Spencer is a bigger threat in the game.
Spencer points out that it's a social game and everyone likes Jeremiah. 
Tony says, it's not going to be him tonight because he's brought his bag of tricks.

Vote. 

Any idols?  Tony pulls something out of his bag.  Spencer pulls his out and debates what to do.  GIVE IT TO JEREMIAH YOU DUMB SHIT.  He plays it himself. 
Tony "See Jeff, the inexperienced LAD was about to give his idol to Jeremy (WHO??) because he thought I was going to use mine.  MINE IS A FAKE IDOL. 

Jeremiah is the next person to join the jury.  I am gonna miss that freaking eye candy!

Survivor Update: Flaming Balls of Anxiety

Welcome to this week's Survivor update!  Thank you for letting me skip last week, since you all know I spend Holy Week in church.  All week.  Every day.  8 hours.  In prayer.  For your gambling sins. 

So, now onto the recap.  Ok, so during Holy Week's episode the new alliance with Kass were all 'woohoo we're strong 6'.  Yet everyone scrambled to find the idol.  Spencer found the regular one but not the SPECIAL SUPER POWER one.  God, I hope it doesn't come with xray vision.  At tribal, Tony got 4 votes, and Morgan got 6 making her the next person on the jury. 

Tony says he almost pooped his pants when he saw his name, so he confronts Spencer as to why he was targeted.  Really?  You're that clueless??  He says Morgan wasn't worthy of winning and wants to know why he was a threat??  He rants to Tasha and Spencer, who tell him "we'd have gladly voted for Morgan with you if you had asked".  Tony says, "well I didn't need you then".  He admits that even with 3 sitting ducks it isn't easy. 

LJ and Trish talk about what a freaking whack job Tony is when he's pissed.  He is in scramble mode, which is never good.  Trish correctly diagnoses him with paranoia and OCD. 

Tony is afraid of LJ now.  Says (in one of his MANY MANY close-ups this episode) that LJ is sharp.  I want him to die but I need him to make a mistake.  He talks to LJ and basically corners him to say "if Woo has an idol he has to get blindsided".  That's all Tony needs to run off half cracked to say that LJ has targeted Woo, and to get everyone against LJ. 

Reward Challenge:  It's for a spa trip plus lunch of chicken wraps and egg rolls.  I guess they've totally given respecting the local culture these days.

Tony knows strategizing gets done on this break away trips so he is hell bent to win.  It's a throw a rope through a loop to open a box of sandbags, which have to be thrown/worked down a net tunnel, and then bounced into baskets.  It's a fun challenge and I think I will set it up in my back yard the next time I have a bunch of 4 year olds over. 

Tony is in a group with Spencer and Jeremiah.  Bottom line, they nail it with an easy win. 

At camp, LJ and Trish discuss how crazy Tony is.  LJ tells Trish that Tony is paranoid and wants Woo off.  They both decide they need to "put out Tony's fire".

On the reward, we never actually see if Tony gets a shower but I certainly hope so because even without smell-a-vision he stinks.  Spencer sees a chance to life one more day and he asks Tony if he wants to talk a little strategy.  Jeremiah asks Tony if he's comfortable in the game, and he says no.  He tells them that when the time comes he will approach them.  Spencer asks if that will be before or after they are gone. Spencer and Jeremiah tell Tony they're ready.  "I need you guys to help me stay...I have your back".  Jeremiah says they have no choice but to believe him. 

Tasha admits that it's a 3 vs 6 person game and she's probably done.  She approaches LJ to see if he'd talk to her.  Asks him to meet her at the water but he doesn't show up.  LJ: "Tony is a flaming ball of anxiety" and is watching everyone like a hawk.  Tasha knows that Tony is running the show. 

Immunity Challenge.  It's one of those 'you're so hungry let's fuck with your memory" challenges.  Remember sequences of colored tiles.  Tasha wins immunity!!! 

LJ: I say we split the vote in case Spencer or Jeremiah has the idol. 

Tony still thinks Woo might have an idol.  He decides to pin it all on Woo,  He tells Woo that LJ is shady and wants to blindside him.  Woo totally buys it 100%, further proving to me that Woo really isn't as smart as I thought he would be. 

Tony tells Spencer that Woo wants LJ out.  You are safe, just don't vote for me.  Spencer says it's like a BIG CHRISTMAS present.  Considers if it's a lie or not, but tells Jeremiah. 

Tony talks to Trish.  She's trying to calm him down but says LJ says you want to get rid of Woo??  No, LJ is the one who wants Woo.  I'm not proposing anything like that.  LJ is the problem, he's sneaky.  He tells her it's him, her and Woo as final 3.  Totally works her over to be against LJ.  Trish talks to Kass, who thinks it's totally crazy to make a blindside then.  Tony says he has to decide whether it's time to kick ass or kiss ass. 

Tribal.

Jeremiah admits the 3 are in trouble as there is a strong 6 alliance.
Kass is asked if she gives a shit about the 3.  It's a game, Jeff.  There are lots of moves yet to come and it's gonna get dirty.
Tony: It's confusion out there!  That's why I brought my bag of tricks that make me more confident.  He holds up his bag hinting he has an idol. 

Jeff asks, "if it's a strong 6 why be nervous?"

Tasha: There may be fractures
LJ says she's just HOPING there are fractures.  Says he was approached but there's no need.  Loyalty is huge in this game. 
Jeff asks Tony what he does for a living and he says "construction".  Sarah's head whips around on the jury.  He says loyalty is important in his work because of people stealing tools...or something.
Kass says that loyalty is fine at home but she checked that at the door. 
Woo says the 6 are strong but there will be a time for moves.
Spencer: I don't know who's on the bottom of the 6 but if you think that 6 is strong, it might be you.....

Time to vote.  No idol is played.  Jeremiah gets 3 votes, Spencer 1 and LJ is blindsided with the help of Tony and Woo. 

Bang.  Lots of happy faces on the jury!

Survivor: It's a Math Problem, Stupid

If X=11, then 1/2X+1> 1/2X. 

It's basic MATH people. 

Welcome to this week's AMAZING Survivor Update.  I personally am still scratching my head about whether Kass is a total idiot or not. 

As the episode starts, we are again, as we have been since day 1, ALL OBSESSED WITH THE MERGE.  It's all merge, all the time.  Will there be a merge?  Is it better to go into a merge with 6 people of 5 VERY TIGHT PEOPLE??  Will there be a basket of food AND WINE?? 

Spencer is all TOP 6 BABY!!!  We're in CONTROL of the game!  Let's all decide who our first 2 picks to go from the other tribe are RIGHT NOW!  Kass: If we stay strong we can win!!  It sounds so simple!!"  Yes, Kass, it sounds so simple because I am almost convinced that was on the script you were given last night when the cameras were off and the chinese take out arrived, 

And just like that, it starts to fall apart.  Kass and Sarah are strolling on the beach.  Kass tells Sarah she's worried about her and Jeremiah flipping.  Which apparently is totally an irrational thought since they weren't original parts of the brains tribe. Sarah gets all pissed off.  The demise of our tribe is gonna be in not trusting each other.  They shake. 

(Question, has it rained more than one day this season???)

Kass feels like Sarah hasn't really proven herself with one easy vote.  "Show me the blood on your hands from a former teammate and I'll believe her". 

Tony is bored because there's no drama to stir up.  Hang on Tony.  It's merge time.  Pack up and head over to the other beach.  Cue about 10 minutes of discussing 6/5, 5/6, 6/5.......We gotta be strong MAN, I love you all MAN. 

Along with the food comes a note indicating there is a new idol, with SPECIAL POWERS.  Tony says he's gonna relentlessly search for it but apparently he either doesn't or has no success.  They decide the new black buffed tribe will be known as Solarrion, which I believe was the name of the linoleum we put in the kitchen in my old house. 

Tony decides that Sarah is his hope.  And he begins manic phase Tony.  Seriously, this guy carries a loaded weapon every day??  After the daily Trish pilates class, they discuss "who is the head of the snake??"  Woo tells Tony he has to smooth things over with Sarah.  Tony's version of smoothing things over is more like "Stop and Frisk". "We'd have 6, it's a no brainer, you'd be #3 (I thought she was #2 already??), SWEAR ON YOUR BADGE.  It's Spencer of Kass.......

Sarah: It's 5-me-5.  A Sarah sandwich.  I WILL DECIDE THE FATE OF THE GAME .  Seriously, Mark Burnette you need to get some new lines.  Sarah, Jeremiah and Kass talk.  Sarah assures everyone LJ does not have an idol.  Jeremiah points out that he doesn't have it so it could very well be LJs.  Sarah wants LJ or Woo voted out.  Kass says, if Woo wins immunity it has to be Trish.  Sarah is a TOTAL NO FREAKING WAY on this idea.  And don't piss me off because I CONTROL THE DESTINY OF THIS GAME.  She accuses Kass of bullying. 

Kass doesn't trust Sarah.  Thinks she's in a 1 person alliance not a 6 person alliance.  Who made her queen?? 

Trish overhears Kass and Sarah having a cat fight.  Her horse head rears up at that. 

Kass, Sarah and Tasha go off to talk.  Tasha tries to calm Sarah down and keep her in line.  Sarah tells them again that she controls everyone's fate, to which they reply, "no you control your own fate only". 

Immunity Challenge.  It's that stand on a triangular platform in the water thing.  Every 15 minutes they have to change positions.  Basically everyone but Woo and Tony fall on the last transition.  A strong breeze blows fat Tony off his perch and Woo wins immunity. 

Sarah is still running around yelling ME ME ME ME ME, I GET TO DECIDE!!!!! 

Spencer wants Jefra.  Sarah again insists no one has an idol.  She wants Tony of LJ.  Kass thinks that if Sarah is about to destroy the game, she should do it first. 

Trish and Tony talk.  They decide Sarah is in charge.  She tells Tony he shouldn't trust her.  Trish wants to talk to Kass.  Tony wants one more chance to beat some sense into Sarah.  He starts beating her up again, all panicky and manicky.  Totally hard sell.  YOU GOT NOBODY ON YOUR SIDE.  SWEAR ON YOUR BADGE.  DO YOU LOVE ME, WILL YOU LOVE ME FOREVER, WILL YOU NEVER LEAVE ME, WILL YOU MAKE ME SO HAPPY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.....I GOTTA KNOW RIGHT NOW.....  LET ME SLEEP ON IT, BABY BABY, LET ME SLEEP ON IT......

Trish gallops over to Kass.  Kass tells her she's been replaced.  Trish feels her out on switching....asks her who she would vote for?  Kass says Sarah and WHAT A FREAKING COINCIDENCE, because that's who we are all voting for.  Oh, and would you happen to have any hay on you?? Kass thinks "maybe they're smarter than I think..."

Tribal
LJ: Yes, I am on the hot seat.
Tasha: The biggest threats need to go
Tony: Yes, there are different groups but I still think it's more important to align with who you are comfortable with not just the #s.  I'm worried tonight.
Kass: If I were LJ or Tony I would be worried.
LJ:  No idea if there are idols.  None have appeared yet...maybe it's a Survivor myth.
Tony.  I have one.  I'm gonna use it for my tribe.  He pulls it out and puts it on.  BIG MOVE TONIGHT JEFF. 
Spencer and Tasha start telling everyone "It's the other one.. vote for the other one..."

Jeff:  Hell, since I've totally lost control, let's just vote.

JEFF, JEFF, CAN YOU VALIDATE MY IDOL JEFF????????
Yes Tony, that is a legitimate idol. 
I'd like to give it to LJ.  And they're all smug!
LJ:  I'd like to do one better and give Tony MY idol!
Whaaaaaat???  LOL.

Jeff starts reading the votes, and the "other one" was in fact Jefra.  Who is all freaking out.  Smug faces are dropping.  Vote for Jefra.....vote for Sarah.....vote for Jefra......vote for Sarah......And the first person on the jury is.......SARAH. 

Whaaaaaa???  Who flipped??  Everyone thanks KASS for flipping. 

Spencer: YOU HAVE ZERO CHANGE OF WINNING THE GAME KASS.

We shall see!!

Survivor: It'

Survivor: We've Found Our Zombies

Hello!!  And welcome Spring you elusive fucker. 

So yea, I blew you all off last week.  Deal with it.  Sometimes you need to miss someone to understand how important they are to you.  On THAT week, the tribes were "merged" into 2 with a "schoolhouse" draw.  One is Apari, which means crappy old school video game in Cagayani, and the other is Solana, named after a tanning salon Jeff Probst frequents because he can go nude and not get recognized. 

Aparri, is now made up of Spencer, Kass, Latasha, Sarah, Morgan, Jeremiah and Alexi- so 3 brains, 3 beauty and Sarah.  Solana tribe, is Cliff, Woo, Tony, Trish, LJ, Jefra, Lindsey and Ton, so basically the brawn tribe plus beauties LJ and Jefra. 

The Solana tribe lost the immunity challenge, and Tony masterminded the removal of Cliff. 

And following that, upon return to camp Trish starts in on why they had to bamboozle Cliff and Lindsay wants none of it.  An epic rant follows with her telling Trish how much she disgusts her, how she has a big horse face with a horse pair of teeth.  LOL.  The two of them go at it, Trish telling Lindsay she has no chance and no alliance now.  Tony steps in and Lindsay storms off to the beach alone.  For a while.  And, then.......cue the night vision goggles and Oprah Probst who comes to sit with her while she babbles on about how she can't do this anymore, can't stand Trish and wants to leave to show her daughter how to remove yourself from a situation with dignity.  Of course, always wait until you've called someone an ugly horsehead to show dignity.  She doesn't want to flip out on Trish (OMG, Mark Burnette totally got hard at that thought), so Jeff lets her walk away.  So she can be the bigger person.  LOL.  And this woman works with sharp scissors every day??

Jeff goes to the tribe and tells them Lindsay quit.  Which causes...no real upset.  Tony: Turn the head and the body follows.  LJ, in typical beauty person, calls her a zit that was gonna be popped. 

Off to the Challenge where Jeff announces Cliff and also Lindsay are gone.  And they're totally happy.  LOL. 

It's the dropping buddha challenge.  2 people in the ring together, and first buddha to hit the ground loses.  I'll spare you the boredom.  Solana wins, meaning Woo and Tony get to go to Aparri and steal stuff. 

Ya know, I gotta say, Tony is really playing this game.  Not sure if it's gonna last (Sorry JEFF) but he is really working it.  He and Woo (who is a disappointment to me so far in his lack of wicked smart asianness). go and take comfort and fishing stuff.   There is also a clue for them to find an idol back on Solana beach, but Tony decides to mess with the tribe and they tell Jeremiah that it's a clue for one person on Aparri to an immunity idol.  Thereby placing a giant target on his back.  He reads the clue and realizes that it's the same one he had for the other beach  but Tony runs back and gets the clue so he can't prove that. 

And now everyone is suspicious of Jeremiah.  He points out that since they lost the challenge, why would there be a clue for them??  He tells them the clue is for the other island but nobody believes him. 

Back on Solana, Tony is flying on a super high.  Like CRAZY SUPER HIGH.  He tells the tribe what he and Woo did, basically says I LOVE YOU ALL, MAN.  Tells them he's really a cop and that for the first time THIS IS MY TRIBE.  So basically, as LJ points out, to prove that he's totally loyal to us he tells us he's a liar??  It apparently works on every else though.  Trish says she has a confession too, that she's really a man.  AND WHO ELSE THOUGHT JUST FOR ONE SECOND IT COULD BE TRUE????? 

Challenge.  Build a staircase, go through a maze, down a bamboo slide, untie a key to get a machete, cut a cord to get puzzle pieces, do a puzzle and use the answer to unlock your flag.  Whew. 

And they're off and you are TOTALLY GOING TO WANT TO GO BACK TO THE DVR AND WATCH THIS PART, because I SWEAR TO GOD when they all slide down the bamboo slide they leave a big long shit stain.  Collectively.  LMAO. 

Tony starts telling his tribe the numbers Aparri get, and then Aparri totally falls apart.  Solana wins immunity and Tony yells 'FINAL 5 RIGHT HERE BABY".  And......Sarah is all WTF????? 

Back at Aparri it's decision time.  And they finally give Alexis air time.  Wil and I were both like, WHO THE HELL IS THAT PERSON???" The logic is that since Tony thinks he has the numbers, he also things someone on Aparri is going to align back again with them.  Sarah has convinced everyone she is done with Tony, so strangely they don't consider her.  Since Woo and Tony gave Jeremiah the clue, they think maybe that's who they are bringing along.  Alexis thinks that and tries to lobby the brains to get rid of him.  The Brains and Sarah huddle and figure it should be one of the beauties who might be in alliance with LJ or Jefra.  It comes down to which is perceived as the biggest threat.  Kass points out that the brains have finally found the bodies to go with their brains, calling the brawns the zombies who they can manipulate to do their dirty work. 

Tribal.

Jeff asks Kass if it is safe to assume that the three Brain tribe members are together, the three Beauty tribe members are together and that Sarah is in the middle. She agrees.
Morgan chimes in that the Beauty aren't that close. 
Kass:  Apparently the pretty people weren't living such a beautiful life.
Spencer points out that the point of this vote is to fix the fractures and come up with a unified tribe
Sarah points out that she has no alliance, especially with the "final 5" comment.
Alexis keeps pointing out that there is the chance that someone will flip when they merge.  Yea, LIKE YOU PERHAPS??
She keeps pointing to the idol clue Woo and Tony gave him, insisting it was a way to woo (no pun intended) him in NOT to put a target on his back. 
Sarah is just happy that she seems to be safe.  She says again she isn't going to flip back. 

Time to vote.  And, apparently Alexis, who I knew nothing about until tonight is a big threat and so is the next person off the island.  She's probably still crying about it. 

Jeff points out that it was a big, unified vote  BUT..... he starts to sing "how deep is your looooove".