Sometimes it just has to be a boring, predictable Survivor.  So let's get through this one.  Apparently it's getting so boring that we are getting another DROP YOUR BUFFS tonight.

So, yes last week's tribal was very exciting when Michael lied about his idol being a double idol, and chose to protect Stephanie.  Unfortunately the Bradley led army voted for Brandon.  Bradley says it was a giant wake up call and he is happy his tribe stayed strong.  Michael tipped his hand that he is a strong player and is now a threat.  Michael realizes this and apologizes for the whole tribal saying he was just trying to survive.  Bradley is hoping next tribal that his group has the trick up it's sleeve next time.  

And we are right into a challenge.  They have to leap over tables, move giant sandbags to reveal a lever that when pulled gives them smaller sandbags.  They have to transport the smaller sandbags and then throw them at this interesting twisty thing that when unspiraled raises a flag.  There are 3 flags.  Wanna know?  MORE FREAKING FOOD. Seriously it's ridiculous.  Dominick is all OH THANK GOD BECAUSE I AM STARVING.  Says food is scarce and they are really struggling.  Pfffffft.  They seem to get food every time I watch!  

Chris is a throwing machine, literally I think both teams stop and just watch him kill it.  Sebastian on the other hand can't hit anything and isn't it like the 3rd time Sebastian was in the throwing position and failed??  Chris wins them the reward.  He also mentions he was a pitcher in college.  Watch for more throwing challenges to be added in, especially if Chris makes it to the merge and individual immunity comes into play.  YOU HEARD IT HEAR FIRST FOLKS.  They draw rocks and Stephanie goes to Ghost Island in her Lularoe's.

Stephanie on GI is worried because time away from camp leaves one vulnerable.  She does the Break the URN thing but gets the "NO GAME FOR YOU" message.  I guess you have to break the urns in order? 

Chris wants the chocolate pastry but is all "but whatever you decide..."  People are now, HE'S A ASSET.  James, the non-swimming athlete, thinks having him with his side makes their odds better.  

Donathan gets upset at the coffee and pastries and goes off to be sad.  I actually feel for him because as my Dad got older and worse, eating sugary things became a real treat that he liked to share.  Ok, so now I'm sad too.  He tells Laurel that he is sad because it reminds him of home, and that he is the caregiver for his mom and mawmaw who has had 2 strokes.  He talks about how guilty he feels for leaving for a month and she reminds him how happy and proud they will be sitting on the couch watching him on the show.  COME ON, CAN WE JUST GIVE DONATHAN THE MILLION DOLLARS NOW?????????

Chris sees him upset and wanders over to talk, sharing HIS story about his mom who is in assisted living (she has MS) and how he goes and takes care of her.  He talks about how she was told she had 2 months to live when he was 17 (she recovered) and he tells Donathan he admires his courage.  Yea, I don't have much to say about that because they are BOTH freaking heroes in my book for that.  It works on Donathan though who I think was leaning towards the Wendell/Dominick side along with Laurel but who now is rethinking that.  

Immunity Challenge:  another water one.  Race across a floating bridge to undo what no doubt are puzzle pieces, then ride a boogy board back to shore via the other teammates cranking a wheel pull.  It looks seriously like fun.  Ok, then they do one puzzle to release a combo lock, and then another slide puzzle.    No big shock, purple wins immunity and orange is back to tribal.

And now we have about 20 minutes of trying to edit the show to make it seem like this isn't a total slam dunk.  Michael goes first saying he is backed into a corner and would vote out Steph or Jenn in a heartbeat.  

Jenna thinks flirting with Sebastian will protect her, and Sebastian is looking for a hair-braiding whore so she is in luck.  She talks about how her bitch face hurts her chances but frankly I think it's the TOTAL LACK OF ANY PERSONALITY that does her in.  

We then have lots of boring drama about who to send home, Steph, Jenna or Michael.  I finally figure out who Chelsea is-literally I think she spoke her first words tonight.  Des thinks Steph is most strategic, and I think it's Kellyn and Angela who are like, OK.  

Stephanie makes an attempt to talk to Bradley, sucking it up.  She spends literally the rest of the episode talking about her 2 kids and how she can literally SEE herself accepting the million dollar check and them all being excited.  

Bradley thinks either Michael or Stephanie.  Michael appeals to him, says he's helpless and asks to be kept around for the challenges.  He's "locked and loyal",  He also gets his 5 minutes of camera crying face time.  

The group meets up again and Des reminds people that they don't know what happened on Ghost Island, or whether or not Stephanie found an idol.  She searches Stephanie's bag and finds nothing.  

Tribal

Kellyn tells Jeff that they have spent the day deciding which of the 3 are going home.  Says that literally one sentence could have made the difference

Steph says she is worried about that since she missed time off the tribe at GI

Bradley comments that Steph might have gotten something at GI

Sebastian is like, it's pretty simple DUDE, we just gotta get rid of one of those 3

Michael attempts to add a little interest to the tribal saying, "you need to win challenges to keep your numbers up"

Kellyn points out that there are a lot of ways to define strength.  (Seriously how freaking many times do we have to hear this???)

Bradley agrees but also says that Michael showed strength with the fake idol thing

Michael explains that his alliance was real and he was trying to keep it alive but says he is willing to be just as loyal to them

Stephanie goes back to the THIS IS MY DREAM, as if it isn't the same dream everyone else on the show had.  She talks about her kids and how she has more "game in her"  blah blah.  

Jenna finally says SOMETHING and it's how she puts on her bitch face, and puts up a front but in this game she is learning to be a real person and make relationships.

Jeff asks Sebastian about keeping her to help her become a better person (because ya know that's what this whole game is about.....) and he says "it kills me to vote anyone off DUDE".

Michael also says he's been a lifelong fan and it's hard when you get the chance to play and it turns wrong...

Desiree is as freaking BORED with all of this as I am and she's like, YES WE HAVE A CLEAR PURPOSE AND WE ALL KNOW HOW THIS IS GOING TO GO DOWN.  Can we freaking stop this nonsense tribal and just VOTE FOR CHRISSAKES???

So they vote .  Des 2, Steph 5.  Bye Steph.  

Hello and welcome to our Survivor update on this very shitty and snowy day. If you are lucky to not be in the snow, you are lucky enough to probably win the pool this season.  Right about now I'd PAY to go live on a beach and sleep in a bamboo shelter.  I mean, shit, they get tons of food this season and apparently were able to bring a suitcase of clothing changes.  What happened to the ONE LUXURY ITEM??  Half of the time I can't keep these women straight because they keep changing their clothes.  

So, if you remember when we last chatted, the purple tribe (which basically has gotten about 90% of the air time this season) had just had a blindslide and sent Morgan home.  Domenick was pushing for Angela to go as a way to target his rival Chris.  The former orange tribe 4, however, stuck together and got rid of Morgan.  Dom and Wesley sit together and discuss their ass kicking.  They admit to the ass kicking and admit that they made enemies along the way.  Wendell proclaims it a disaster and to cheer him up Dom admits to having a real idol.  Wendell is kinda like, sooooo you lied to me, which Dom blows off as a WHO DOESN'T LIE ABOUT AN IDOL!  Mwahahaha.  Apparently Wendell buys it and they believe they now have a chance to "shake things up" and break someone away from the orange 4.

Angela is pissed that she was targeted, says Wendell and Dom stabbed her in the back. Proclaims them WOLVES.

The next day Dom finds the legacy idol in his bag from Morgan.  Again, can't be used until there are either 13 or 6 left.

Reward Challenge:  It's a water polo fight club thing.  They are literally my least favorite challenges.  Wanna know?  MORE FREAKING FOOD.  Winning tribe gets bread, peanut butter and jelly and milk.  They also get to send someone to Ghost where they will throw pottery with Patrick Swayze and break a little clay pot.  The Ghoster will return before tribal.

Again I hate this challenge so blah blah blah, purple wins.  They decide to go to rocks to pick the Ghoster.  While Jeff is handing them out Kellyn gets a speaking role this week and says "Ghost is my biggest survivor fear".  So of course she gets the white pebble and a trip to see Whoopi Goldberg.  Jeff is on her statement like white on rice and she goes all "there are no coincidences...everything happens for a reason...."  

Once on Ghost, there is no pottery wheel, dammit, and she admits her fear is about being alone.  With cameramen.....   She does the break the urn thing and ooooooh it leads her INTO THE FIRE.  Once at the challenge she gets a choice to play for an advantage or give up a vote.  Since the numbers aren't great she decides to not play in order to not risk it for the tribe.  Pansy.  "The Survivor Gods gave me the rock but I have to trust my gut".  And then she rambles on about life and the changes she has made and blah blah blah just to keep the camera person around.  

Over once AGAIN to the purple tribe who are eating sandwiches.  They ask Chris if he got to play the Ghost game and he says no.  Later Chris and Angela talk and she tells him what happened at tribal.  He gets pissed because he sees the votes for Angela as against him.  Chris thinks there is an opening for them to jump over to the Orange 4 so he rushes over to Donathan, James and laurel and starts telling them they should work together and how much he likes them. Basically coming on like a loser half an hour before closing time.  Donathan and James agree that Chris was certainly feeding them stuff.  

Donathan talks to Laurel about which she prefers, Chris or Wendell and they both agree that they like Wendell better.  

Laurel, who is an  ivy league grad and a big deal athlete, talks to Domenick and tells him she wants to stay with him and Wendell.  She indicates she can bring Donathan along.  He tells her he has an idol.  They agree that they can OPEN THIS GAME UP.    Domenick sighs that he again has life.  

Immunity Challenge:  It's another water one.  They have to swim out as a group to a cage, climb over it and unleash a chest at the bottom.  Drag the chest to shore and them out it on this track and pull it, bringing in more track as they go.  Once at the end, there are balls inside the trunk that they will throw on a slim platform.  It's actually a unique challenge and THERE IS NO DAMN PUZZLE.

Orange is way ahead, getting to the ball toss very early, yet purple comes from behind and wins immunity!  Wow!!  We might get to see 10 minutes of the orange tribe!  It's a HUGE comeback and Jeff gets to say thinks like NEVER EVER GIVE UP!!  IT'S NOT OVER UNTIL IT'S OVER!!!  Personally I like IT'S NOT OVER TILL THE FAT LADY SING, but they really don't like fat people on this show.  

It's somber over on Orange except for Bradley who is happy because they have all of the power.  Steph tries to talk to him but he's all "it's 5-4, suck it up".  Steph doubts anyone will crack so she goes into her soliloquy about being a single mom, and how she wants a better life for her kid, and how she wants another day on Survivor and all I can think is HEY ARE THOSE LULAROE LEGGINGS??  And, really, why didn't anyone else ever wear leggings on Survivor because it's freakin brilliant.  Stretches so won't fall off when you get skinny (that's why I have so many pairs.  hahahahahah), keeps the bugs from crawling up your bathing suit bottom and biting your cooch, light yet warm.  Seriously, brilliant.  Anyway, she has the sads. 

The other people, who I LITERALLY CAN'T NAME, are talking about who to get rid of.  They discuss whether someone might have an idol, and they discuss targeting a strong male because they will assume they'll want to keep the men and target one of the girls.  Chelsea is all for going after a man.  So it's  Brendan or MIchael.  Bradley doesn't like Brendan because "he's like a Dad who gives terrible pep talks".  Bradley is all arrogant because he thinks he's an awesome smart lawyer and smarter than the rest of the people.  

Brendan and Mike talk and decide they are screwed, even though they have an idol.  Steph and Jenn are sitting around sad and Michael tells them he JUST found an idol.  Time to MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN.  They decide they want to go for Bradley and try to get someone to flip.  

Tribal Council-it's night 12 yet some of these people still haven't been to tribal.  FIRE REPRESENTS YOUR LIFE.....

Sebastian, are you feeling strong?  Tooootally, dude.  We're like TOATS  strong and we have the edge

Desiree- yes Jeff it's been AAAAAAWKWARD having these losers in our midst

Stephanie comments on Bradley's "little alliance"

Bradley says that Steph has been totally obnoxious making little snipes at him all day.  I tried to talk to each of them but "more as a babysitter".

Michael points out that his little alliance is strong only because it's never been tested at tribal.  He points out that Sebastian and Chelsea are at the bottom. Tells Sebastian that Bradley is totally never going to take him to the end. 

Bradley points out that they are a strong alliance of 5.

Steph:  GOOD LUCK BELIEVING THAT

Chelsea says they are just "throwing spit at the wall" which I don't really think is an actual expression

Jeff asks Desiree if it's really that simple

She starts to answer and Mike says MAYBE NOT and pulls out his idol.  He explains that it's actually double immunity and says all of them are voting for Bradley

Brad tries to talk down the ringleader stuff and Chelsea says this changes things

Mike extends and offer to anyone who wants to cross over and join them

Sebastian says it's certainly something to think about.  

Mike states that this could be the night, as you are all voted off, that you look back and wish you had made a move.

Time to vote.  Michael plays the idol for himself and Brandon.....no wait.  Stephanie.  

In the end, no one flips and they chose Brandon who is voted off.  

Hello, and welcome to this week's Survivor update!  We begin after Jacob is sent packing his hairy nerdy self home.  James is still blaming himself and taking the Korean way of ownership for his failures.  

And we start right off with C'MON IN GUYS!!!!  Donathan returns from Ghost Island and Libby still thinks they have the best tribe ever!  Which means it's time to DROP YOUR BUFFS!!  Basically, all of those blond girls who I can't figure out who they are, are now on different tribes where I still can't figure out who is who.  

It's a pretty even split.  9 on each tribe, and each gets 4 from Orange and 5 from Purple.  

New Orange

Jenna

Steph

Brendan

Michael

Desiree

Sebastian

Kellyn

Bradley

Chelsea

New Purple

Donathan

Libby

Laurel

James

Dom

Chris

Angela

Wendell

Morgan

Over on Orange, the former Purple tribe members can't stop mentioning what a hellhole the camp is.  Brendan apologizes that they just threw stuff together.  Dude, you are in the freakin jungle.  I don't even apologize for my shit hovel and lack of cleaning when people drop in.  One of the blondes says it's like when your friends have a really ugly baby and no one wants to say, "YOUR BABY IS UGLY".  Brendan starts getting annoyed, especially at Bradley. 

On Purple Donathan is FLOORED at the camp 'cause he ain't even seen a double wide this nice.  2 fire pits AND a great view!!  Seriously I think he just made a deposit on the "house".  

Chris jumps right out into asshole mode, realizing that although they have the numbers, he doesn't trust 3/5 people from his old tribe.  He jumps all over Angela telling her she has to STEP UP HER GAME and he tells her that Dom has an idol.  Angela doesn't like how he is ordering her around, and she's in the military and USED to being ordered around.  

Chris tells James and Libby about the idol and says Dom is your typical New Yorker who can't be trusted and needs to go.  Libby says she'll play dumb around him but she won't play dumb.  

Sunrise on Orange.  And the bitching continues.  Bradley is bitching about how cold and dirty it is.  Stephanie is smart enough to know she has to sniff out a crack and re-align herself with the other people.  At the well, Kellyn basically tells them they are screwed, so Jenna and Steph run off to find an idol.  Soon all of the orange tribe is looking for the idol and Michael finds it.  It's James' old tile idol, which is not easily hidden in one's pants.  Blah blah blah James went home with 2 idols in his pocket blah blah blah.  CAN YOU REVERSE THE CURSE???

On Purple, Morgan and Dom talk.  Dom thinks Chris and and Angela going to turn and they have to rope in the 4 orange players.  Morgan and Libby bond over their Catholic-ness, tells Libby not to worry.  

Immunity Challenge

Run over ramp walls (which makes my poor ankle hurt)

Dig up a big ladder in a sandpit

Use the ladder to untie a rope

Use the rope to climb a wall

Puzzle

Wanna know?  A tarp.  

Right off the bat my LOSER massive Korean athlete James can't do the ramp run and has to join the ladies in a second attempt.  The purple tribe ends up at the puzzle first and Wendell and Laurel start doing the puzzle.  And then Kellyn and Bradley smoke them and win Immunity for the orange tribe.  They get to decide on who to send to Ghost Island-it has to be unanimous or rocks are drawn.  Donathan is suggested but someone dissents and rocks are drawn.  Chris goes to GI and can't GOD DAMN IT be voted out.  Dom says that that SOB is lucky.  Morgan is FREAKING OUT because it's now a 4-4 split.

Tough man Chris is spooked on Ghost Island.  He's missing tribal and playing his BIG ROLE.  He smashes the urn and gets NOPE, NOT TODAY.  He's also scared and homesick and cryin' like the freakin BABY lil Donathan never was.  He tries to cover with a story about his mom having MS for years and I'm like DUDE, SAVE IT FOR THE FINALE.  

Back to purple, it's a scramble. Angela believes that her teammates are going to follow Chris' plan to vote out Domenick but she decides she doesn't want to vote out one of her original tribe mates, instead believes in loyalty,  She'd rather have a tie and do rocks.  Wendell checks in with her to see what she wants to do and she tells him she'd rather go to rocks than vote for Dom.  Wendell isn't interested in going to rocks.  Wendell suggests Libby but is uncomfortable about Angela's devotion to Chris.  

Wendell talks to Morgan who says she can bring Libby along.  Morgan says she trusts Libby way more than she trusts Angela.  He tells Laurel, LIbby and James.

Dom goes on a campaign to save his ass  and begins by showing Libby, James and Desiree his fake idol, only this time he has replaced the real note with a tree mail note.  He tells everyone Chris has been gunning for him since day 1 and tells them this is the FAKE NEWS idol that Chris has been telling people about.  He swears on his kids life he is with them.  

James doesn't buy it-especially the swearing on his kids thing.  Dom wants them to vote Angela, which they think means he is voting for Angela, which means if they use all 4 of their votes they control who goes home (because Angela can't vote for herself and it freaking took me waaaaay to long to do that math).  James thinks Dom is the second coming of Russell Hantz.  James suggests Wendell or Morgan and Laurel wants to keep Wendell for strength.  Libby argues because of her catholic bond with Morgan and because you can't vote your catholic buddy off during lent.  Libby thinks it frankly would be easier to go for Angela.  

Tribal

Morgan say each 4 is solid.

Wendell says yep, Purple has been in the kitchen all day talking, and Orange has been in the den,  Some one needs to crack.

Dom says he slipped out of the kitchen because he doesn't want a 4-4 split

Angela says she also talked to other people.  Says she's torn between the popular vs the right decision for her.  Says she felt pressured.

Dom asks her who pressured her?? He is uncomfortable with her response

Angela says Chris pressured her, to which Morgan says Chris isn't here

Dom says he is all for new relationships and interested in listening to other positions

James says it isn't all the beautiful picture being presented. He says the 4 might not be strong

Morgan says actually we could all be lying

Jeff asks Libby if lying is OK and she basically says how funny you asked the nice girl about lying!  She's OK with lying-it's the game

Morgan says even though she is sweet and innocent, everyone lies

Wendell hopes someone busts a move and at the end of the day we need to come together and work together.

Vote.  Any idol?  Nope

Libby 1

Angela 3

And Morgan goes home with 4.  

Someone busted a more!

Welcome to Survivor Ghost Island!  Lots of little twists and turns to come.  This season, instead of bringing back old used up players, they are bringing back their unused idols and I'm gonna guess recycling a bunch of old challenges.  Ghost Island is a "graveyard for bad decisions".  Wonder if Jeff's botox will be there?  "Reverse the Curse of the Relics".  

Everyone gets off the boats and Jeff announces that 1 bad decision can haunt you forever.  Let's hope Ghost Island doesn't have AIDS or syphilis!  Teams are already split between orange and purple.  I'm sure they also have names but as you know, NO ONE REALLY CARES ABOUT THAT.  It's an immediate challenge and Brendan (orange) and Chris (purple) are picked to represent.  They have to chose 2 people, one for physical and one for a puzzle.  One person races to dig up keys, the next uses the keys to unlock puzzle pieces and solve the puzzle.  The first team gets a fishing and shelter kit.  The losing team just gets the shelter kit.  There is also a timer and if at anytime a team thinks they aren't going to make it they can forfeit the game, keep their fishing gear but the other team gets 20 eggs and flint.  Jesus, I hope the challenges get easier because it took me 5 minutes to get that right.  For some reason, 10 seconds into the challenge the 2 men are already "tired".  hmmmmm.  Anywhoo, Chris forfeits for Orange while both women were still working on the puzzle.  Domenick is already hot italian annoyed.  And everyone gets maps and sent off.

Over at the orange tribe Jacob says, BEST TRIBE EVER.  Michael introduces himself as a 23 year old real estate investor but he's actually 18.  Doesn't want to be targeted as the youngest.  Gonzolas is from Puerto Rico.  

Aaaaaand we get to meet Donathan, who I am sure some conspiracy theorists are saying was put on the show just so we people like me can make fun of the good citizens of the rural heartland of America.  Could be but it ain't gonna stop me from mocking a guy that has to have closed captions because you can't understand 2 freaking things he says.  Donathan is a gay guy from Kentucky, who aint findin any other gay men in Kentucky.  Honey, you could go to San Fran and prolly still not get a date.  I mean, if I was a gay man in Kentucky?  I'd play straight to keep this guy away.  He's all excited to meet new people and latches onto Lauren as the first african american he's ever met.  He thinks James is exotic-I guess because of the slanty eyes.  

Over on the purple tribe we get to meet Kellyn who was a good girl who got tired of being a good girl, divorced her husband, went to grad school and threw it all away on a reality tv show.  She's now "livin for me".  Sebastian is probably supposed to be some hot guy with abs but meh, he's not doing it for me.  He's a fisherman so Domenick calls him SeaBass.  Domenick is a construction ahole, who says he used to be 

270lbs.He's probably 250 now.  Says he straightened up for his daughter.  

Sebastian and Chris bond over their love of Florida and they are now BFFs.  Neither is a fan of Domenick.  

On Orange, Jacob is kind of "unusual".  I'll leave the clinical diagnosis to the professionals.  He somehow gets his shoes washed away in the surf.  I didn't notice but I think he has shoes on in the challenge.  Anyway, he's thinking he has a target on his back because the "pretty people will gang up.  He asks if anyone thinks there is an idol, and then disappears for about 3 hours which is kinda stupid.  Everyone else is all "we're gonna sing kumbaya and not do that whole idol thing.  Bad Jacob for trying to use the idols present in the game!  

Everyone goes to look for yams (?) and Jacob who loves Survivor and has been watching since he was 4 decides to dump all of the rice in his dirty sock on the off chance there is an idol in the jar.  Gross.  

Purple:  Wendell (local PA dude) is a furniture designer and is sitting around making a crap trap.  He is also a graduate of U Penn law who gave up the suits and is now a freelance furniture designer.  You GO Wendell!!!  Domenick gets good vibes from Wendell.  

Sebastian, in talking with Wendell says Domenick is the one to get out.  Wendell takes that info to Dom who says it was actually probably Chris that said that and there is a coalition against me.  Big Battles ahead.  

Immunity Challenge

Race over a net bridge

Open 2 bags of rope

Pull a puzzle sled

Do puzzle.

Purple comes from behind and wins immunity and flint.  Jacob says, whatevs we are still THE GREATEST TRIBE OF ALL TIME.  Purple gets to send one person to Ghost Island, and that person will also miss tribal and be safe.  They chose Jacob who asks like his big plan worked.  "I want to see what ghost island is all about".    Jenna says, darn, that's who we were going to vote off first.  

On Ghost Island, it's like a cheesy shore town mini golf course.  All of the old "relics" are there and Jacob is geeked because all of the former snuffers are there and HOLY FUCKING SHIT people actually know what the old snuffers look like????  There's aboard of mini urns and like the EAT ME sign in Alice in Wonderland it says SMASH THE URN.  He does and there is a note saying "follow the fire down the rabbit hole".  It's a GAME OF CHANCE and he can chose to play.  If he wins, he gets an advantage, if he loses he forfeits a vote next time.  Of course he chooses to play and there are 2 bamboo chutes to chose from , and one in the middle that needs a key.  He opens the one of the left and gets the key.  Inside is the secret legacy advantage that I guess Sierra never used.  "Restore it's power by willing it to someone on the other tribe".  He chooses Morgan because she's spunky and will be around at the merge he thinks.  

Back at Orange Gonzolas is telling everyone how she would have won the puzzle which annoys Donathan.  Donathan tells people they should vote out Gonz.  Gonz of course targets Donathan and says he's too weak.  Stephanie talks to the gang about Donathan OR Gonzales.  She thinks although Donathan is weaker he is usable. For example if they need someone little to shove into a small space.  LOL.  Gonz is a strategic threat.  

Tribal aaaaaand the torch is your life bullshit.  

Stephanie is smiling because it's now GAME ON

Gonz says Ghost Island is exciting because it's unknown.  She says Jacob is special and is probably looking for idols

Lauren says the goal is to keep the tribe strong, but there isn't just one definition of strong

Donathan agrees that he is probably scrawny and screwed.  And having a little trouble following this strange new language everyone is talking.

Stephanie says Donathan is only screwed if people go for strength.  They could be going for social strength, because lets be honest he's KILLING in the social skills department.

Donathan says that he's been building relationships since he's never been out of Kentucky.  Seriously, is this guy for real or is this a bad act??

Gonzales brings up the fact that she could have killed that puzzle

Brendan says he didn't know she was a puzzle killer

Somehow through the magic of editing, Jenna starts talking about alliances.  She thinks right now there are just big groups not individual alliances.  

Mike says that right now the alliances and loyalties are unknown so it's been more like who was around for the discussions and decisions

Gonzales is kinda upset about this and is worried she missed something.  She gets up and starts whispering to people and soon everyone is doing it and then it's TIME TO VOTE

Donathan gets 1, and Gonzales is the first blindside.  She leaves in a stirring quote from the 45th President of the United States: "SAD"

Aaaand on to episode 2.  

Everyone is sleeping except for Domenick, whose steroids are wearing off and his paranoia is waking up.  He needs to make a move NOW.  Because week 2 is definitely time to blow things up.  He goes out searching in the dark for an idol and FINDS ONE!!!  In the dark!!!  With only the lights from the freakin camera to help!!  So, now he can take even BIGGER risks!

On purple, everyone is wondering about Ghost Island and if there might be advantages there.  Morgan gets the legacy advantage in her bag, and it lists who had it previously so she knows it's from Jacob.  She can use it when there are either 13 or 6 people left.  She's a tad bit worried because "I have a really big mouth".  

Jacob has a plan to say he got an idol so he makes a fake one.  They're all eating sea cucumbers when he skulks back into camp.  Hey, who's missing??  Let me tell you all about Ghost Island and you can tell me what went down.  He shows them the idol and says he doesn't believe in idols, he's really not THAT IDOL GUY (even though they know he spent every minute looking for one).  He promises he will play it next time to get it out of the game.  Brendan asks where the note is that came with it and Jacob stammers a bit about "forgetting it".  Which Brendan doesn't buy for one minute because this nerdy hairy nerd probably has a box at home with all of the Survivor stuff he's bought on the online auctions after every season.  You know, the one he keeps with him in his parent's house basement bedroom.  

The tribe decides to make him comfortable in case it is real, and Stephanie decides to work on him.  

Domenick is showing everyone his "power snatch" technique. Or is that snatch and jerk?  I'm going with jerk.  He decides he wants to talk to Chris and tells him they have misread each other and "I just want to work with you maaaaan".  Chris asks him if he has found an idol and Dom kinda stammers, no way.  Chris says that's good to hear since we are all building loyalty here and I'd hate to think you're lying to me already.  Dom runs off and makes another fake idol, wraps it in the real note, and them confesses to Chris that he did find one and he's willing to share.  Which makes no sense because he shows Chris the fake idol IN THE REAL NOTE, which is just the same as showing him the real idol.  I guess at some point he is hedging his bet that he can give Chris the fake one to "save him"?  Chris is just more convinced not to trust him because he lied first, and something "just doesn't add up",  He still wants to eliminate him.  

Immunity Challenge:

Go over obstacles in the water

Release buoys

Gather the marked ones

Basketball.

Wanna know?  Winners will get the last season's Jeff Probst "luxury comfort collection" available at JC Penney's.  

It goes along until we get to the Donathan and James dynamic duo, neither apparently can swim.  I mean, yea I can see Donathan being afraid of even taking a bath but freaking JAMES at least looks like he's athletic!  James puts on the swim mask while Donathan goes and sits on the deck.  Literally James is too afraid to even dunk his freaking head under the water.  As time goes on, Jeff starts yelling helpful advice like, "THIS IS WHAT YOU CAME HERE FOR, YOU PUSSY".  Or maybe that was me?  Anywhoo. They all start encouraging Donathan to give it a try for the team.  Donathan says "I caint"  or at least that's what the closed caption says.  The continue on him and he finally gets in,  puts on the swim mask and HE DOES IT!!  It's just like in Thomas the Tank where the little engine pushes the bigger one up the hill!  What a moment!!  Better than any come from behind moments on the Olympics. Jeff yells out "OUT OF NOWHERE A HERO HAS EMERGED".  LOL!!!  

Unfortunately, over on the other platform, Desiree-her tits literally falling out of her top, nails the basketball challenge and the purple team wins.  Like, chick, when you get the Survivor gig GO GET A NEW BRA WITH SOME SUPPORT!  Holy shit they are gonna need a lot of pixalation this season for those jugs.  

Jeff asks Donathan how big an accomplishment it was and he says something like blah blah huge, blah blah nevir in my waaaaldest dreams blah blah.  And then he gets sent to Ghost Island.  

He's very nervous of ghosts but like the little gay tank that could he climbs up to the platform and I gotta give Joanne Stadnicar props for correctly pointing out he is LITERALLY Kate McKinnon playing Jeff Sessions on SNL.  He sees the "Smash the Urn" thing, smashes the little urn but gets "Nope, Not Today".  He brings his little note back to show the tribe, and then builds his first fire like the lil' mountain man he is.  He's "har ta win"!  

James immediately says he's sorry, he sucked and he promises to make it up to everyone.  Says he's been an athlete for years (I'm guessing his sport might be ping pong).  He talks about how back in Korea his parents always told him to be the best.  He's lucky his parents didn't teach him hari kari.  

Brendan thinks Jacob is still the real target. It always amazes me that those big strong dudes always have to target the weaker ones.  Stephanie slithers up to him and works him with "no one wants to start playing the game like you and me want to".  "I KNOOOOOOOW!!!"  She decides the way in is to talk Survivor Geek strategy and says she thinks Michael is a big threat.  "SAAAAAAAAME".  He totally falls for the flattery and the fact that a real girl, with out an blow up nozzle, is talking to him.  He tells her the idol isn't real AND he tells her about the legacy idol, including how he gave it to Morgan.  She's all "geeeeeeet out!!!"  And they decide they will be the beauty and the hairy beast alliance.

Stephanie then starts to think, hmmm, maybe in addition to the skinny Donathan to use for small spaces, I might want to use this dumb as a post kid for other things.  She tries to convince Jenna he's a good thing to keep around and Jenna is kinda horrified but maybe.  

James, Jacob and Laurel talk and Jacob, thinking he has Stephanie and Jenna in his pocket thinks it might be time to flip the vote.  

Brendan sees Jenna and Stephanie talking a lot and he starts to wonder if they are pulling a double cross OR a double double cross.  Michael is nervous.  

Tribal

Jeff asks James about sucking at the challenge. James is all yes it was a disaster and I let me athletic self down

Stephanie says, at least he tried.  Although, yes, we lost because of him 1000%

Jeff asks Jacob about Ghost Island and he says he told them everything, including how he got an advantage (notice he doesn't say idol here)

Libby confirms that he did show them his idol

James says Ghost Island means there is an information imbalance because Jacob is the only one who has been there

Jeff gets his rocks off on the term "information balance" and will be including it in his college Survivor course lectures

Jacob says he was welcomes back into the tribe and repeats BEST PEOPLE TO EVER PLAY SURVIVOR

Jeff asks Stephanie something about Jacob's confidence and she says that she also is a glass half full person

Jacob says oh no, he's really a paranoid nutcase but he has to use bravado to fight his fears.  AS IF NO ONE KNEW THAT

Jenna, who they tend to go to to completely change the subject says this tribal is different because there really are alliances being formed

Jacob says it's more about loyalty and alliances this time around, although he admits this could also be total bullshit

Micheal says that the last vote was unanimous but 2 loses back to back means they need to change direction

Brendan says that Survivor votes have become less about just physical time around and Michael, who forgot they were trying to bamboozle Jacob gets all upset.  Hmmm, but I'm only physical.....

It's time to vote and Brendan whispers to Michael "I think we are getting set up"

They vote.  Idol??  Nope

Michael 1

James 2

Jacob gets 4 and is voted off.  But at least he has a fake idol in his pocket!