Everyone gets off the boats and Jeff announces that 1 bad decision can haunt you forever. Let's hope Ghost Island doesn't have AIDS or syphilis! Teams are already split between orange and purple. I'm sure they also have names but as you know, NO ONE REALLY CARES ABOUT THAT. It's an immediate challenge and Brendan (orange) and Chris (purple) are picked to represent. They have to chose 2 people, one for physical and one for a puzzle. One person races to dig up keys, the next uses the keys to unlock puzzle pieces and solve the puzzle. The first team gets a fishing and shelter kit. The losing team just gets the shelter kit. There is also a timer and if at anytime a team thinks they aren't going to make it they can forfeit the game, keep their fishing gear but the other team gets 20 eggs and flint. Jesus, I hope the challenges get easier because it took me 5 minutes to get that right. For some reason, 10 seconds into the challenge the 2 men are already "tired". hmmmmm. Anywhoo, Chris forfeits for Orange while both women were still working on the puzzle. Domenick is already hot italian annoyed. And everyone gets maps and sent off.
Over at the orange tribe Jacob says, BEST TRIBE EVER. Michael introduces himself as a 23 year old real estate investor but he's actually 18. Doesn't want to be targeted as the youngest. Gonzolas is from Puerto Rico.
Aaaaaand we get to meet Donathan, who I am sure some conspiracy theorists are saying was put on the show just so we people like me can make fun of the good citizens of the rural heartland of America. Could be but it ain't gonna stop me from mocking a guy that has to have closed captions because you can't understand 2 freaking things he says. Donathan is a gay guy from Kentucky, who aint findin any other gay men in Kentucky. Honey, you could go to San Fran and prolly still not get a date. I mean, if I was a gay man in Kentucky? I'd play straight to keep this guy away. He's all excited to meet new people and latches onto Lauren as the first african american he's ever met. He thinks James is exotic-I guess because of the slanty eyes.
Over on the purple tribe we get to meet Kellyn who was a good girl who got tired of being a good girl, divorced her husband, went to grad school and threw it all away on a reality tv show. She's now "livin for me". Sebastian is probably supposed to be some hot guy with abs but meh, he's not doing it for me. He's a fisherman so Domenick calls him SeaBass. Domenick is a construction ahole, who says he used to be
270lbs.He's probably 250 now. Says he straightened up for his daughter.
Sebastian and Chris bond over their love of Florida and they are now BFFs. Neither is a fan of Domenick.
On Orange, Jacob is kind of "unusual". I'll leave the clinical diagnosis to the professionals. He somehow gets his shoes washed away in the surf. I didn't notice but I think he has shoes on in the challenge. Anyway, he's thinking he has a target on his back because the "pretty people will gang up. He asks if anyone thinks there is an idol, and then disappears for about 3 hours which is kinda stupid. Everyone else is all "we're gonna sing kumbaya and not do that whole idol thing. Bad Jacob for trying to use the idols present in the game!
Everyone goes to look for yams (?) and Jacob who loves Survivor and has been watching since he was 4 decides to dump all of the rice in his dirty sock on the off chance there is an idol in the jar. Gross.
Purple: Wendell (local PA dude) is a furniture designer and is sitting around making a crap trap. He is also a graduate of U Penn law who gave up the suits and is now a freelance furniture designer. You GO Wendell!!! Domenick gets good vibes from Wendell.
Sebastian, in talking with Wendell says Domenick is the one to get out. Wendell takes that info to Dom who says it was actually probably Chris that said that and there is a coalition against me. Big Battles ahead.
Immunity Challenge
Race over a net bridge
Open 2 bags of rope
Pull a puzzle sled
Do puzzle.
Purple comes from behind and wins immunity and flint. Jacob says, whatevs we are still THE GREATEST TRIBE OF ALL TIME. Purple gets to send one person to Ghost Island, and that person will also miss tribal and be safe. They chose Jacob who asks like his big plan worked. "I want to see what ghost island is all about". Jenna says, darn, that's who we were going to vote off first.
On Ghost Island, it's like a cheesy shore town mini golf course. All of the old "relics" are there and Jacob is geeked because all of the former snuffers are there and HOLY FUCKING SHIT people actually know what the old snuffers look like???? There's aboard of mini urns and like the EAT ME sign in Alice in Wonderland it says SMASH THE URN. He does and there is a note saying "follow the fire down the rabbit hole". It's a GAME OF CHANCE and he can chose to play. If he wins, he gets an advantage, if he loses he forfeits a vote next time. Of course he chooses to play and there are 2 bamboo chutes to chose from , and one in the middle that needs a key. He opens the one of the left and gets the key. Inside is the secret legacy advantage that I guess Sierra never used. "Restore it's power by willing it to someone on the other tribe". He chooses Morgan because she's spunky and will be around at the merge he thinks.
Back at Orange Gonzolas is telling everyone how she would have won the puzzle which annoys Donathan. Donathan tells people they should vote out Gonz. Gonz of course targets Donathan and says he's too weak. Stephanie talks to the gang about Donathan OR Gonzales. She thinks although Donathan is weaker he is usable. For example if they need someone little to shove into a small space. LOL. Gonz is a strategic threat.
Tribal aaaaaand the torch is your life bullshit.
Stephanie is smiling because it's now GAME ON
Gonz says Ghost Island is exciting because it's unknown. She says Jacob is special and is probably looking for idols
Lauren says the goal is to keep the tribe strong, but there isn't just one definition of strong
Donathan agrees that he is probably scrawny and screwed. And having a little trouble following this strange new language everyone is talking.
Stephanie says Donathan is only screwed if people go for strength. They could be going for social strength, because lets be honest he's KILLING in the social skills department.
Donathan says that he's been building relationships since he's never been out of Kentucky. Seriously, is this guy for real or is this a bad act??
Gonzales brings up the fact that she could have killed that puzzle
Brendan says he didn't know she was a puzzle killer
Somehow through the magic of editing, Jenna starts talking about alliances. She thinks right now there are just big groups not individual alliances.
Mike says that right now the alliances and loyalties are unknown so it's been more like who was around for the discussions and decisions
Gonzales is kinda upset about this and is worried she missed something. She gets up and starts whispering to people and soon everyone is doing it and then it's TIME TO VOTE
Donathan gets 1, and Gonzales is the first blindside. She leaves in a stirring quote from the 45th President of the United States: "SAD"
Aaaand on to episode 2.
Everyone is sleeping except for Domenick, whose steroids are wearing off and his paranoia is waking up. He needs to make a move NOW. Because week 2 is definitely time to blow things up. He goes out searching in the dark for an idol and FINDS ONE!!! In the dark!!! With only the lights from the freakin camera to help!! So, now he can take even BIGGER risks!
On purple, everyone is wondering about Ghost Island and if there might be advantages there. Morgan gets the legacy advantage in her bag, and it lists who had it previously so she knows it's from Jacob. She can use it when there are either 13 or 6 people left. She's a tad bit worried because "I have a really big mouth".
Jacob has a plan to say he got an idol so he makes a fake one. They're all eating sea cucumbers when he skulks back into camp. Hey, who's missing?? Let me tell you all about Ghost Island and you can tell me what went down. He shows them the idol and says he doesn't believe in idols, he's really not THAT IDOL GUY (even though they know he spent every minute looking for one). He promises he will play it next time to get it out of the game. Brendan asks where the note is that came with it and Jacob stammers a bit about "forgetting it". Which Brendan doesn't buy for one minute because this nerdy hairy nerd probably has a box at home with all of the Survivor stuff he's bought on the online auctions after every season. You know, the one he keeps with him in his parent's house basement bedroom.
The tribe decides to make him comfortable in case it is real, and Stephanie decides to work on him.
Domenick is showing everyone his "power snatch" technique. Or is that snatch and jerk? I'm going with jerk. He decides he wants to talk to Chris and tells him they have misread each other and "I just want to work with you maaaaan". Chris asks him if he has found an idol and Dom kinda stammers, no way. Chris says that's good to hear since we are all building loyalty here and I'd hate to think you're lying to me already. Dom runs off and makes another fake idol, wraps it in the real note, and them confesses to Chris that he did find one and he's willing to share. Which makes no sense because he shows Chris the fake idol IN THE REAL NOTE, which is just the same as showing him the real idol. I guess at some point he is hedging his bet that he can give Chris the fake one to "save him"? Chris is just more convinced not to trust him because he lied first, and something "just doesn't add up", He still wants to eliminate him.
Immunity Challenge:
Go over obstacles in the water
Release buoys
Gather the marked ones
Basketball.
Wanna know? Winners will get the last season's Jeff Probst "luxury comfort collection" available at JC Penney's.
It goes along until we get to the Donathan and James dynamic duo, neither apparently can swim. I mean, yea I can see Donathan being afraid of even taking a bath but freaking JAMES at least looks like he's athletic! James puts on the swim mask while Donathan goes and sits on the deck. Literally James is too afraid to even dunk his freaking head under the water. As time goes on, Jeff starts yelling helpful advice like, "THIS IS WHAT YOU CAME HERE FOR, YOU PUSSY". Or maybe that was me? Anywhoo. They all start encouraging Donathan to give it a try for the team. Donathan says "I caint" or at least that's what the closed caption says. The continue on him and he finally gets in, puts on the swim mask and HE DOES IT!! It's just like in Thomas the Tank where the little engine pushes the bigger one up the hill! What a moment!! Better than any come from behind moments on the Olympics. Jeff yells out "OUT OF NOWHERE A HERO HAS EMERGED". LOL!!!
Unfortunately, over on the other platform, Desiree-her tits literally falling out of her top, nails the basketball challenge and the purple team wins. Like, chick, when you get the Survivor gig GO GET A NEW BRA WITH SOME SUPPORT! Holy shit they are gonna need a lot of pixalation this season for those jugs.
Jeff asks Donathan how big an accomplishment it was and he says something like blah blah huge, blah blah nevir in my waaaaldest dreams blah blah. And then he gets sent to Ghost Island.
He's very nervous of ghosts but like the little gay tank that could he climbs up to the platform and I gotta give Joanne Stadnicar props for correctly pointing out he is LITERALLY Kate McKinnon playing Jeff Sessions on SNL. He sees the "Smash the Urn" thing, smashes the little urn but gets "Nope, Not Today". He brings his little note back to show the tribe, and then builds his first fire like the lil' mountain man he is. He's "har ta win"!
James immediately says he's sorry, he sucked and he promises to make it up to everyone. Says he's been an athlete for years (I'm guessing his sport might be ping pong). He talks about how back in Korea his parents always told him to be the best. He's lucky his parents didn't teach him hari kari.
Brendan thinks Jacob is still the real target. It always amazes me that those big strong dudes always have to target the weaker ones. Stephanie slithers up to him and works him with "no one wants to start playing the game like you and me want to". "I KNOOOOOOOW!!!" She decides the way in is to talk Survivor Geek strategy and says she thinks Michael is a big threat. "SAAAAAAAAME". He totally falls for the flattery and the fact that a real girl, with out an blow up nozzle, is talking to him. He tells her the idol isn't real AND he tells her about the legacy idol, including how he gave it to Morgan. She's all "geeeeeeet out!!!" And they decide they will be the beauty and the hairy beast alliance.
Stephanie then starts to think, hmmm, maybe in addition to the skinny Donathan to use for small spaces, I might want to use this dumb as a post kid for other things. She tries to convince Jenna he's a good thing to keep around and Jenna is kinda horrified but maybe.
James, Jacob and Laurel talk and Jacob, thinking he has Stephanie and Jenna in his pocket thinks it might be time to flip the vote.
Brendan sees Jenna and Stephanie talking a lot and he starts to wonder if they are pulling a double cross OR a double double cross. Michael is nervous.
Tribal
Jeff asks James about sucking at the challenge. James is all yes it was a disaster and I let me athletic self down
Stephanie says, at least he tried. Although, yes, we lost because of him 1000%
Jeff asks Jacob about Ghost Island and he says he told them everything, including how he got an advantage (notice he doesn't say idol here)
Libby confirms that he did show them his idol
James says Ghost Island means there is an information imbalance because Jacob is the only one who has been there
Jeff gets his rocks off on the term "information balance" and will be including it in his college Survivor course lectures
Jacob says he was welcomes back into the tribe and repeats BEST PEOPLE TO EVER PLAY SURVIVOR
Jeff asks Stephanie something about Jacob's confidence and she says that she also is a glass half full person
Jacob says oh no, he's really a paranoid nutcase but he has to use bravado to fight his fears. AS IF NO ONE KNEW THAT
Jenna, who they tend to go to to completely change the subject says this tribal is different because there really are alliances being formed
Jacob says it's more about loyalty and alliances this time around, although he admits this could also be total bullshit
Micheal says that the last vote was unanimous but 2 loses back to back means they need to change direction
Brendan says that Survivor votes have become less about just physical time around and Michael, who forgot they were trying to bamboozle Jacob gets all upset. Hmmm, but I'm only physical.....
It's time to vote and Brendan whispers to Michael "I think we are getting set up"
They vote. Idol?? Nope
Michael 1
James 2
Jacob gets 4 and is voted off. But at least he has a fake idol in his pocket!
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