Survivor: The massive, missing updates.

So, seriously, no one called or emailed to see if I was still alive??  WTF??  LOL.  Well I am and I just did a 6 episode binge watch in order to get us all caught up.  

OK. so last time we spoke there were still 3 tribes and Nina had just gotten voted off No Collars because she used to have a collar and they could still see the marks.  

So, blah blah blah reward challenge:  It's the blindfolded people having to follow a caller to pick up shit, lift it up to a platform and probably there was a flag involved. Yes, there were flags.  Wanna know?  First place gets chickens and a rooster.  Second gets 10 eggs.  And about 5 minutes into it THERE IS BLOOD!!!  STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING THERE IS OMG BLOOOOOOOOD AND WE NEED MEDICAL But don't take your blindfolds off because it sounds more ominous like a severed limb when you are still blind.  The aussie (but this time a man) medic comes in and says, "meh, just a flesh wound".  And they go about the challenge with all kinds of blood born diseases flowing around.  No collar comes in first, and white collar second.  It's Will's birthday so they decide to eat a chicken for his birthday.  Aaaaand there is always one in the crowd that thinks meat is some magic element that grows on Styrofoam in the supermarket.  Jenn is upset about them eating her friend and she goes off.  And finds an idol.  

Blue tribe is always fighting about something. It's some man vs woman thing today.  On the white tribe Shirin is saying she learned how to kill and skin animals on youtube, and in fact practiced on a rabbit before the show.  Nothing says SOCIOPATH quite like killing animals. There is a lot of general discussion of who is crazier, Max or Shirin.

Immunity Challenge:  It's a rope obstacle to get balls, and then one of those games we had as a kid where you have to get 3 balls into a clowns orifices.  LOL.  What, only I had one of those?  Anyway, blue collars lose and go to tribal.

Dan is a ladies man. He just knows how to smile and nod and not pay any attention the broads because they don't know anything.  Mike and Kelly are the true alliance of this tribe.  They don't trust Rodney or Lindsey.  

At tribal Rodney says something about chicken paaaaahm and tuna fish.  Sierra says Rodney is a pig basically.  Rodney thinks women should hold themselves to a higher level.  

The vote is a 3 way tie between Lindsey, Rodney and Sierra.  Sierra is all WTF???  Revote and Lindsey is gone.  Back at camp Sierra is pissed off and Mike tells her "you're not one of us", while Dan piles on the charm about why she's lazy and bad at challenges and on the outs.  

Reward Challenge:  But first it's a switch up to 2 tribes.  Basically the blue tribe stays the same with the exception of Kelly who gets stuck with most of the No Collars, and Shirin, Max and Carolyn who basically wants to drown herself.  The reward is for kitchen supplies, plus whatever the white collars had won in the past.  Blue wins.

Max and Shirin are totally annoying everyone with their Survivor trivia.  Seriously they are like 2 idiots at a Survivor Fan Conference that don't realize the rest of us are laughing at what complete losers they are.  Kelly goes to talk to them to feel them out in true undercover style.  Shirin, who totally thinks she is in charge "solidified things with Kelly".  

On Blue Mike realized he, Dan and Rodney lighting into Sierra the way they did might not have been a smart move.  She cannot wait for them to take a walk so she can dump on them to her new male tribemates.  "I hate them".  Mike is nervous seeing her talk to Joe, Joaquin and Tyler.

Jenn can't stand Shirin, who announces she is going to try to poop.  "You won't poop if you don't try" which is a complete inaccuracy.  Max gets bitten by 2 stingrays on both of his feet.  Jenn tells him to put his feet in the water pot to soak.  About an hour later he lifts his foot out and he has a BIG OLD NASTY PLANTERS WART.  I seriously want Hali saying "It's discuuuusting" on repeat to use as my new ringtone.  LOL.  He is so awful and clueless that he is awful.  

Will speaks finally and says that Max is on his nerves.  Carolyn, who has been waiting for an opportunity says "welcome to my world".  

Mike tries to get Dan to apologize to Sierra, and he tries to tell him what to say and what to not say.  But Dan has talked to binders full of women in his life and he goes right ahead and pissed her off even more with a crappy "I apologize but you did the same thing to me first".  

Immunity:  Move 2 big post by pushing/pulling a sled through an obstacle course and mud, set them on little stands and then use a wrecking ball to smash 'em.  Ok, basically the red tribe suffers a humiliating defeat as the men on blue are way stronger.  

Max says he had to contain his smile because he's so happy to go to tribal and "change the dynamic of the game".  Seriously, the producers couldn't have created a bigger douchebag if they had made a douchebag robot.  Max goes on this thing about which horoscope sign wins more often and Jenn is like, WHO THE FUCK KNOWS THIS STUFF??"  

Shirin and Max, the power couple, tell Kelly that it's Will.  And they tell Carolyn as well.  Carolyn meanwhile goes to Jenn and tells her she isn't AT ALL part of those 2 nutjobs and she would love to get rid of them.   Max is SO EXCITED to be finally playing Survivor!  Anyone else think he sometimes goes 39 days without showering or changing his clothes to recreate a little Survivor in his life?  

WHO IS MOST ANNOYING???

Tribal

Shirin tells Jeff that they all jelled right from the start, and then she's all OMG JEFF WHY DID YOU MAKE A FACE AT ME???  It was painfully embarrassing.  

Kelly says it was in fact uncomfortable when they got together

Max is all "your hinting at something here Jeff that on paper we're a horrible tribe blah blah blah"

Jenn laughs about his "knowledge" of Survivor.  

Shirin tells her "Survivor has always been my dream".  

Max knows it's not healthy and admits he has to take mandatory vacations.  

Will says those 2 are always constantly talking. 

Hali says that there are loyalty votes.... and there are quality of life votes.....  I'm hoping for a more pleasant tribe.

Vote.  Any idols?  Max pretends to have one.."hey, Jeff, hold up BRO".....just because he has always wanted to say that he does.  

Will gets 2 and Max, your tribe has spoken..... LOL. Shirin is blindsided!!

Next, Shirin is all "no one wants to play with me".  Hali tells her Max was annoying, and so are you. Shirin does the whole Sandy in Grease thing about being different growing up with beautiful and rich classmates and now it's time for her solo:

Shirin, you must start anew
Don't you know, what you must do
Hold your head high, take a deep breath and sigh
Goodbye to Shirin Oskooi.

Rodney is tired of playing with the same people telling the same stories.  He's looking for a new bromance.  Rodney and Jaoq get to bonding.  We're not like Mike who goes to church and is celibate.  We're MENS.  Work haaaaaard and Paaaaaaarty haaaaaaard.  Rodney's got him some plans.  

Reward Challenge:  the required obstacle course, followed by climbing up a giant platform and launching sandbags at targets which, I swear" have people who raise flags if the target is hit.  Wanna know??  An evening trip to a sanctuary with migrating turtles laying eggs.  Oh and beef stew with mac and cheese. 

So, yea same old shit.  But strangely the last part of the course you have to climb up on barrels to shoot the sandbags, but then you can take the steps back down,  because there are steps right there.  Why not let them just go up the friggin steps???

It comes down to Tyler missing and Jenn hitting for the win.  Shirin is excited for her change to bond as the new leather wearing, teased hair Shirin.  

Joaq talks to Sierra about getting her old tribe mates out.  And then it's an easy layup.  Joac has Sierra, Tyler and he thinks Rodney as his 4 some.  Sierra hates Rodney so Joac approaches him about the plan.  He needs Rodney to suck up to Sierra.  Rodney is planning on going with these 4 and then flipping and being control of the game.  Rodney cooks up a scheme to throw the next challenge and get rid of Joe before the merge.  He gets Mike on board.  Mike 'splains that losing on purpose never really works but THIS TIME it's now no fail.  

Immunity Challenge"  Memorize a bunch of objects and their order and then recreate it.  Rodney is up against Carolyn, and Carolyn wins.  Sierra loses to Hali, Joe beats Will and Dan beats Shirin to bring it to a 2-2 tie with Mike up against Kelly.  Mike starts off trying to fake that he can't do it, and Kelly gets it wrong.  They reset and he basically tells her "I'm giving it to you", and he tells her the order they are in.  She gets it wrong again.  Again.  He finally tells her, "Just look at mine and switch the bottles in the middle".  She does and finally gets it right.  Jesus.  

Back at camp, Mike is starting to not trust Rodney because of the bromance.  Mike tells Rodney it's Joe.  Mike and Dan talk to Joe who tells them "I think Rodney and Joaq are reeling Sierra in".  Sierra is still mad at Dan.  Mike and Dan talk to Sierra about Rodney and Jaoq.  

Tribal

Joe says yes the blue tribe is one big happy family with cracks

Dan says they are dysfunctional

Sierra says, yep, I was crapped on.  Mike was marginally better to me... I feel better with these new guys might be a good opportunity for me.

Joac says lots of people come up to you...

Joe says it could all be bullshit. I have no one...

Sierra is still on the 'I was personally attacked" thing.

Mike is hopefully pushing the early trust thing.  

Time to vote.

Joe gets 3 votes but Joaq gets the majority and is off the island.  Rodney is very confused.

Next week, Rodney is PISSED OFF by the blindside.   Mike talks to him about everyone being worried he was too close to Joac.  Rodney tells Mike it was a "bergasie fake alliance" , which means nothing to me. He says he was only doing it to pull information from them before the alliance.  He wasn't falling into a bromance trap but was acting, bro.  I was putting my De Niro on.  And now he's all "disrespected".  I'm now Mike's bitch until the merge.  

Tree mail...is it a merge?  Kelly tries to sell it that she doesn't like any of her old teammates but Carolyn isn't buying it.  

They get to the beach and there's no Jeff because even his isn't digging anyone on this season.  There's a note and a box of food.  Merged.  While they are eating they discuss what everyone thought was gonna happen with the split and it's universally excepted that everyone was waiting for a Rodney.Joaquin bromance.  Carolyn and Tyler manage to whisper to each other that you can't show that you are close to anyone.  They get back and the former camp is all gone.  It's day one and time to start over.  Mike and Kelly are back together.  The Blues are 5 strong but they need 2 more for the numbers.  Jenn knows they've lost Kelly.  Hali admits they're gonna have to suck it up and put up with Shirin.  

Rodney is actually working another angle to get rid of Mike, Dan and Sierra who got rid of him date.  He's thinking  of working with the no collars with Kelly and Carolyn and chopping off the heads of the blues.  Tyler and Carolyn realize they are the swing votes.  

Dan gets a jellyfish sting.  He runs into Jenn and tells her he's already peed on it.  She tells him he needs to put it in hot water.  He walks into camp and demands hot water.

Mike decides to name the tribe MERICA, which is so redneck it made me laugh out loud. Shirin thinks it's ridiculous and that he's a red neck idiot that doesn't know his own country's name.  Even Sarah Palin knows there is an A in America.  

Mike tells Rodney they are going to get Joe out of there.  Says he has to do "Rodney Maintenance".  

Individual Immunity.  It's the tried and true pole hugging challenge.  It's pretty eventful. even with Jenn getting stung in the hoo haa.  It starts to rain even.  Finally, Carolyn falls off and Joe wins immunity.  Which leaves everyone scrambling for a new plan.  Mike is wondering, Jenn or Hali?  He needs Rodney to think he's in control.  He also wants to feel Will out so he tells him Hali.  Kelly tells Carolyn they need to split up Jenn and Hali.  

Jenn's idea is to get rid of Kelly to cripple the blue tribe.  Mike and Tyler talk.  Tyler doesn't trust him, says he has to loop him in.  Tyler has options.  

Jenn tells Hali she has an idol so they need to figure out which of them is going to get the votes.  

Tribal

Will says, yes Jeff you can feel the electricity.  Nobody is safe.  Hell, it might be you Jeff tonight!  

Joe says there are 12 strategies and everyone is holding a knife.  

Will says "this is how I have to go to show loyalty:

Mike says basically the white collars are in charge.  

Tyler says this vote will divide the tribe tonight.

Carolyn agrees that lines will be drawn.

Jenn says there has been chaos all day but there is always a bottom level rumor that never goes away.

Jeff asks about any idol play, which I think hasn't occurred to anyone.  

Dan says pleading your case won't help tonight because the tribe is going to be divided by a chainsaw.

Vote.  Any idols?  BOOM, Jenn plays hers.  No votes for Jenn count and Kelly is voted off.  

Shit just got real!  

Next week, Rodney is angry.  LOL.  He is always angry.  He's a little hustler who changes directions constantly and lies to get away with it.  He's blaming Mike-"Idiot redneck".  Rodney tells Will this is interesting stuff, and they should sit back and let Mike get rid of people and then they'll run the ship.  

Mike tells Jenn that he "respected" that play.  Jenn says No Collars are back in town and there are more games to be played.  

Rodney is being an ultimate douche.  He tells Shirin to add more rice BECAUSE I SAID SO.  And then a salami fight breaks out because he is removing the casing and Shirin doesn't want him to. He tells her that it's pointless for her because they have 7, and the game is over for them.  "We just have to weed out the garbage".  

Reward Challenge:  It's balance beams, puzzle pieces and then the top 3 do the puzzle.  Reward is a zipline trip with a pizza picnic.  

It comes down to Joe, Mike  and Hali doing the puzzle.  Joe wins reward.  He gets to pick  to join him and chooses. Tyler, Will and Carolyn.  One more.....he picks "superfan" Shirin.  Rodney is all "we're 7 strong we don't need a picnic".  Mike is concerned because he knows there will probably be a clue to an idol.  And in fact Joe sees Carolyn's bottle of soda has a clue in it and asks if there is anything left to drink.  She offers him her soda and he tries to slip the clue into his mouth.  Tyler sees it.  Tyler doesn't say anything.  

At camp, Joe knows he's busted so they take a walk, which makes Mike suspicious.  Mike follows them.  He wonders why Joe would be sharing.  He joins them and then Tyler reveals that Joe got a clue and he tells them what the clue said.  Mike runs into camp basically yelling FIND JOE!!  After a mad scramble Mike tells everyone he saw Joe find the idol.  He does a big drama about "HEY GOOD LUCK BUDDY, GLAD YOU FOUND IT",  to put a target on Joe's back.  

Dan is in the water pooping with Shirin and he's like "why can't you people do basic math?  You're one of Joe's minions.  Your game is over.  Dan want to slap her.  "There are 2 people in Survivor- those that don't do anything and those that annoy everyone.  You're annoying.  

Mike is looking for the idol, and eating termites.  He finally finds it to the hashtag #happydance.  

Immunity Challenge.  It's a set of 3 of those puzzles we used to be given for long car trips where you have to slide little tiles around to spell shit.  I hated those.  Shirin is excited because she is all into puzzles.  

Joe of course is first to the final puzzle.  Dan keeps saying he has it but he doesn't.  Finally....wait for it....Joe wins immunity!  

Rodney is mad....at Mike again.  LOL.  Shirin says everyone thinks she's weak and not a threat. Mike, Carolyn, Dan, Tyler and Sierra get together to discuss the vote. Carolyn suggests that they vote out Shirin.  Mike is afraid she might have the idol so he suggests Hali, because she is Joe's ally.  Tyler tells them that he doesn't think Shirin has the white collar idol.  Hmmmmm, how come he's so sure of that??  

Shirin tells the girls what Dan said to her.  They girls all pretend they're all girl power gonna stick together.  They decide on Dan.  Shirin tells Tyler their plan.  THEN WHAT??  Well, a blue kingpin is gone...

Tribal

Tyler admits Jenn using her idol bummed a lot of people out.  He says lines were already starting to blur.

Sierra says she can go either way.

Dan says something about flippers never win.

Shirin disagrees and points out that Tony was a flipper who won.  

Hali goes on some drug induced thing about MERICA and what would have happened if the colonists would have never flipped on the British....

Um, yea, it's time to vote.

Any idols?  No?  

Dan gets 4 votes.....But Hali is the first member of the jury.....  Joe whispers "I'm sorry".  

WHEW.  I WILL NEVER WAIT UNTIL THE END OF THE SEMESTER TO DO ALL OF MY HOMEWORK AGAIN, I PROMISE.  

  

Quick Survivor Update: Week 3

This  is gonna be a quick one, and not because of too much St Pats celebrating.  

Apparently last week's theme was "who is the biggest pain in the ass on your tribe?"  On the WC tribe, it's apparently Shirin,  We see her talking to a monkey and then watching monkey sex, but hey, WHO WOULDN'T WATCH THAT SHIT???  Her mistake apparently was running back to the cool kids and saying OMG I JUST WATCHED 2 MONKEYS HAVE SEX!!!!!  And the cool rich kids are all, "meh, I was once on a safari and watched lots of animals have sex".  Plus, being in corporate America they watch people getting screwed every damn day.  Carolyn has her cameo asking how Shirin works in Corporate America (like it's a fucking kingdom all its own) and be crazy?  Well, since Shirin actually works at Yahoo, it's probably a necessary quality.  Shirin apparently has the black X of doom on her back.

On the BC tribe there is actually a contest for asshole of the week.  First we get fat and old Dan Wanna know how old Dan is?  HE'S FRIGGIN 47 YEARS OLD.  Are you kidding me???  Blue collar work is apparently a killer.  He admits he has a big mouth.  Which he used to his disadvantage in a little bantering with Rodney, telling him "your mother's a %^%^$".  Rodney is a hot head himself and he gets his Boston all up.  "You're lucky you're on Survivor".  Kelly, who is a cop is all "these people are too serious".  She deals with drunks having fights all the time and knows to slow walk to the situation and give the drunks a change to kiss and make up.  Also vying and possibly winning the asshole title is Texas Mike.  Even his bathing suit is the Texas flag.  He's a type A asshole who can't stop working, because  his father-figure preacher told him to work hard.  Jeezuz, do we always have to have a crazy Christian on this show?  For the first 3 weeks I thought he had a tattoo on his back like a sports jersey but apparently it's a bible verse.  

Mike and Rodney get into it because Mike wants Rodney to get firewood RIGHT FUCKING NOW.  Rodney wants to eat his rice and then get firewood a little later.  Rodney loses it and rants to his now buddy again Dan "I don't work for nobody".  He does a pretty awesome rant on Texas and working on an ooil rig.  

And just to keep the contest on a equal opportunity basis, Mike gets into it with the girls who are also tired of him being a dick and never saying thanks or recognizing all they do.  I have a theory that the white collars get their rewards in money but the blue collars need to be recognized for their work in order to feel good.  It's very important apparently.  Lindsay loses it and says DID YOUR GOD MAKE THIS FIRE??? Yea that might have been a bit too far but Mike keeps saying over and over "then send me home".  Might get your wish dude.  

And the no collars, well they get off on doing whatever the hell they feel like.  For Hali and Jenn it was surfing this week.  Because NCs are ALL ABOUT FUN.  Nina clearly is too intense for this tribe.  She knows she is probably next going home and asks if they can just not make her feel like an outsider until then.  Joe (aka Orlando Bloom from Pirates of the Caribbean) tries to be nice to her and sweet talk her.  He's like, "you don't know you're next".  Nina says she used to be WC, in sales and management but since she lost her hearing 7 years ago she thought she was a no collar.  BUT THESE KIDS ARE JUST A BUNCH OF NUTJOBS.  I'm betting half of these kids are on their parent's healhcare plan and living in their basements.  Nina correctly understands there is such a thing as needing to EAT, needing medical care and NEEDING TO HAVE MONEY TO RETIRE ON SOMEDAY.  Part of me thinks these Peter Pan "I never want to grow up" kids resent her and see her as a mom figure.  Plus, that whole deaf thing is a total downer, man.  Will?  I can't figure him out.  His claim to fame is a youtube video of he and his wife singing and dancing at a gas station pump.  And yes, you've probably seen it.  Does he have a job?  No one seems to know.  I don't really see him as no collar either.  But he's black so I guess he wouldn't fit the white or blue collar expected narrative.  Oh, was that bad to say out loud?  

WCs spent a bit of time looking for the idol, which Carolyn has.  Carolyn sits on her ass "tending the fire".  Why not just put a giant sign on your back that says I ALREADY FOUND THE IDOL.  Shirin gets tired of looking and wants to declare a truce until the next clue.  Joaquin loses it on her telling her she's a paranoid. panicky woman.  He calls her a blood sucking leech.  Tyler knows Carolyn has the idol but when Joaquin shares the clue he doesn't say anything.  Tyler also thinks Shirin is crazy mainly due to the no pants thing, but he also thinks Joaquin is on the outs.  

Whew. Finally the Immunity Challenge.  Wanna know?  Comfort.  Ist prize is the Pier One imports Survivor collection.  Second is a tarp.  Third is a date with Jeff.  

It's carry the barrel time!  Only the barrel has holes in it that the tribe has to use their hands to plug up while they  walk through a grid thing and then dump the water into another bucket, raise the flag.  

Bottom line, Orlando Bloom makes the stupid decision of not having Nina help with the holes.  DUDE, SHE'S DEAF NOT BLIND.  Consequently they get their asses kicked.  Blue collar wins the goods, white gets the tarp and no collar gets a trip to tribal.

It's kind of a given what's gonna happen but they spend a quick couple of minutes trying to convince us that Will might also be in jeopardy because he's out of shape and screws up challenges.  Orlando takes full blame for the hole decision, an apologizes to Nina for not trusting her.  The 3 cool kids are kind of like, yea either the black guy or the deaf chick.  Whatevs.  

Tribal.

Jeff:  last time you were all about trust and then Will voted differently.  Was that a surprise?

Will: I had to explain my vote after tribal.

Orlando:  In this game you only get a few changes to screw up and to lose everyone's trust.  TRUST IS HUGE

Jeff:  Why pull Nina??

Orlando: Yea, that was my fault.  I was afraid she would fall and take the bucket down with her.  BECAUSE SHE IS DEAF

Nina:  Because of my disability they look at me as fully disabled not just unable to hear.

Jenn rolls her eyes and basically is SOOO TIRED OF THIS CAN'T HEAR SHIT.  

Will thinks it's bullshit. He says she keeps making it about her deafness, they don't

Jeff asks some philosophical bullshit about "perception becoming reality" and Orlando jumps in and says he doesn't judge.

Will is forced to admit he got winded in the challenge but he says the problem is they didn't work together.  

Nina says they's be crazy to keep Will.

Jenn tells her basically, SHUT BITCH YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY WEAK.

Hali correctly states that she thinks Nina is on the wrong tribe.  She doesn't go with the flow and probably never even surfs!  

Nina admits she used to be corporate but she does feel like she is no collar.

Hali tells her, "well if you want to be a no collar you gotta start acting like a no collar".  

Then they vote and Nina is sent home.  Probably best for all involved.  

Survivor: GONE TOO SOON

Sigh, I hate when the one most crazy person gets voted off way too soon.  I had so much more to say, so many more snarky descriptions, it's just, SAD.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  Week 2!  Is that possible?  I love these smaller teams because I can figure out who everyone is before they merge. No hiding on a small tribe!  

Blue Collar:  And now we know.  After 30 seasons and 15 years the epic social experiment known as Survivor has answered one of life's biggest questions.  Namely, DO SURVIVORS SHIT IN THE WATER?  The answer boys and girls is a resounding yes.  Dan was out "doing his business"  with his underwear on just one ankle when the underwear undertow came and snatched it away.  He is now sans trous and is wearing a shirt diaper.  "I can't raw dog in jeans".  OR DID HE FAKE THE INCIDENT??  Lindsay thinks he might have to prove he's a funny amusing guy instead of the absolute dicknozzle he has been of late.  

White Collar are still working on fire.  Seriously, do these people outsource sex?  They finally got it on day 4 and are assuming those rough and ready blue collars have had it for days.  Max loves his some beach.  He especially loves it naked.  "Richard Hatch 2.0".  Max is a professor of Survivor (and moms and dads, doesn't that make the tuition go down that much easier??)  so the question is one of is this deliberate or is he just a kook?  From the start I didn't understand how he qualified for white collar instead of something else.  Shirin gets in on the pantless thing too.  It's nice to air out the privates as we like to say in Spring City.  She's cleaning pots on sharp rocks without the bottom half of her attire.  Poor married Tyler and Joaquin apparently can't stand it.  In fact, it makes them so uncomfortable that they stand and watch for a while.....

No collar:  Hali thinks working a tiny bit harder for a deaf tribemate to hear  you is a pain in the ass.  Girl, you are gonna love when your parents get older!  "Mom, have you seen my sweater?"  "4:30 dear".  In fact both Jenn and Hali think it's annoying.  They run off to skinny dip without asking Nina to come.  She has a meltdown over it.  Thinks they should have included her.  Jenn thinks she should just GET IT TOGETHER because there is NO CODDLING.  Ain't no Americans with Disabilities Act on Survivor!

BC is playing basketball.  Well everyone but Mike who has a giant piece of firewood up his ass.  C'mon we all know this jackwad.  Hell, some of you might be anal always cleaning up jackwads.  Sit down!  Relaaaaaax.  Nobody needs to be all work and no play!  

NC: Vince-whose-eyes-are-too-close-together is also annoyed.  He's 33 and jealous of Joe.  (Oh, before I forget THIS WEEK'S TALKING POINT HAS TO BE WHO DOES JOE LOOK LIKE?? No, it's not you John Sellman but he is some actor's Doppelganger and I can't figure it out).  He needs acknowledgement and affirmation so he confronts Joe in a just such a typical animal posturing scene.  He's hanging on the shelter, arms up, chest thrown out telling Joe he's full of ego and forcing Joe to AFFIRM and ACKNOWLEDGE all of his young testosterone ills.  God, if there was ever a time for those "low T" adds!  Will's like "it's finally the alpha dog fight".  Joe thinks Vince has issues and is a loose cannon.  Hmmm, what was the first clue?  

Will, Nina and Vince are in a kind of alliance against the youngsters, Jenn, Joe and Hali.  

Challenge.  It's another water thing.  Start on a platform, dive in, swim to another platform and uncoil a vertical thingy with 5 buoys (aka balls), jump off, swim to a horizontal thingy and unwrap the ball from there and swim to the final platform.  When you get all 5 balls, you get to play basketball.  SEE MIKE, IT WAS TRAINING!

Wanna know?  FISHING EQUIPMENT!  Mmmmmm and a snorkel mask so you can swim clear of the poop.  Second winners get a spear, a line and lures.  Who's sitting out?  Dan wants to do the challenge.  Jeff is like WHAAAA?  He says "I'm gonna surprise you for a fat guy".  

Dan goes first against...I don't remember.  He actually gets through and to the platform first.  He then promptly falls to his knees clutching his heart and suffers a massive heart attack.  Ok, THAT didn't happen.  Blah blah, challenge goes on.  Will gets totally stuck in the horizontal part and loses a shit load of time.  

The white collar guys get to the basketball court first and all those long boozy nights on the corporate BBall team bonding with the other corporate sharks comes in handy.  The blue team is right there with them with Sarah I think sinking a few balls.  The NC?  Nada.  Just an epic loss.  Joaquin kills it for the white collar win, and let's see what they do with all that fishing stuff!  Second goes to the blue collars and the misfits have to go to tribal.

Vince:  Joe and I are now in a cold war with missiles pointed at each other.  They all admit they are not good with making decisions.  Some people think Will is deteriorating due to the physical limitations.  Vince tells Will that he is totally down with blindsiding Joe.  She and Vince are nervous about Will so she goes to talk to him.  

Joe is talking strategy with Jenn and Will.  Interesting.  Jenn wants her creepy ex lover gone.  Joe wants Nina because of the weakness.  They decide to split the vote 2 Vince, 2 Nina and then force a re vote.  

 Will tells Vince their plan and they decide to all stick together and take out one of the others.  Joe?  Vince is a pussy and is afraid the tribe won't be as strong.  He wants Jenn.  

Nina talks to Will, asks how he is physically.  He's surprised and says he's fine.  She tells him Vince is concerned about his health and his performance in the last challenge.  BULLSHIT!  Will is pissed because it was only one challenge....

Tribal council.  Blah blah fire is your life.....

Jeff asks about the group dynamics.  Nina says it's the young vs the old.  Hali, Jenn and Joe vs she, Vince and Will.  She expresses her frustration about not being able to hear all of the time but not wanted to be the old person who keeps asking "what??" .

Jenn says she's never been around anyone who wasn't perfect.  "I have compassion but....."  

Vince states that he's in the middle and is trying to be the glue.  

Joe says they are all feeling each other out and the person that is supposed to go home tonight will.  

Jenn points out it's a numbers game and they need their stronger players.

Will explains his performance.  "Everyone knows water is the black man's kryptonite.  We've talked 3-3 but is the trust really there?  (Shouldn't Joe be thinking his plan ain't gonna work right about now?)

Vince agrees it could be him but he's playing with his gut and not his head.

Jenn states that the original plan should go forward.  I think she's figuring out Will might not be on board. BUT OMG IT'S ALSO SURVIVOR TRIBAL COUNCIL AND IT'S JEFF PROBST!!!

Will says his plan is to go back to camp, drink some warm water, let the bugs feast on some more chocolate and see as little of Jeff as possible until the end.

Time to vote!

Nina gets one vote.....Jenn gets 2 and VINCELOT gets 3 and is leaving us.  NOOOOOOOOO!!!!  Too soon, too soon.  

Survivor Episode 1

Welcome to Survivor: why the world hates the 1%.  Season 30, 15 years OF THE GREATEST SOCIAL EXPERIMENT ON TV.  Hmmmm, here I was gonna go with the Price is Right for the win.  Tribes are composed of people with common occupations or approaches to life.

First up, in yellow with a name that sounded like Messiah but couldn't possibly be, are the smug white collar workers.  These are people who Jeff tells us like to make the rules and be "in charge".  LOL, what could be worse than an entire tribe of type A's?  

So is a very pretty Asian woman who "has made everyone who has ever worked for her cry"

Max is a former college professor who has taught a class on Survivor and now is some kind of "consultant".  AKA out of work.

Carolyn is the old 52 year old "corporate exec" who I believe.  Seriously, making it to 52 in corporate america I gotta take my hat off to her.  She must drink like a fucking fish.  She says something about WC (white collar's) being goal oriented but the problem is everyone wants the same goal.  

Joaquim, whose name I will misspell every week and I don't give a flying crap.  He's SLIMY, slick and wearing a freaking suit and tie.  

Shirin is a Yahoo executive who has applied to Survivor for 10 years.  She says nothing memorable.

Tyler is an ex-talent executive.  AKA, he's also unemployed.  He's kinda geeky and I can't read him.  

Blue collar (BC) are a rambunctious bunch who are pretty funny.  They believe they single handedly built America (did anyone tell the 1%ers??).

Lindsey is a hairdresser, single mom and a crop top girl.  She feels like she is the strongest mentally.

Mike is something with "Ooool"  which I think is Texan for oil.  He likes his hands dirrrrrty.  

Dan is the older postal employee who should be watched closely for insanity.  He wants to be remembered for....anything.

Rodney thinks people will think he's a meat head but "I'm filet mignon while these people are steakers".  

Rounding out that tribe is state trooper Kelly and Sierra who's a "barrel racer" and who totally fell off my radar screen.

Finally, the free spirited no collars.  These are kinda what you would expect.  

Jenn is a sailing  instructor and likes to work sometimes.  She believes money makes life easier

Hali is in law school because she wants to save the world and live off nothing with huge ass law school bills

Vince, featherman, is like Coach's brother, who got kicked in the head by a mule in childhood.  No idea how he's gonna survive without pot for the 39 days.  

Joe is a jewelry designer.  He's this season's eye candy.

Nina is 51, deaf with cochlear implants.  Does that mean she can hear now?  

Will, who is a "youtube" sensation.  LOL, he's the guy dancing with his wife in the gas station video.  

So those are our peeps.  Jeff is really beating the crap out of the distinctions between tribes.  Jeff,  honey, it's a freaking reality show not a graduate sociology class!  We're all hear for the drama, fighting, starvation and relief from the freaks at our own jobs.  Everyone is gunning for the WCs, and they're pretty smug about it.  

Finally, Jeff has each tribe pick someone to represent them.  Jacquin and Dan volunteer.  The beatnicks have a little fun, Will promises everyone sandwiches and he gets picked.  Jeff is like, "where are you gonna get sandwiches"?  And the WC's are all "look, the stoners can't make a decision".  But the stoners are happy.  

Now, pick a second person.  Joaquin lets his penis make the decision and he picks So.  Dan and Mike bro hug, and Will picks Jenn because 'she has a nice smile".  Can you tell I'm already loving this season??  

At camp, the two have to walk away and make a decision.  The NC's pre decide something.  I kinda lost track here.  The choice s between honesty and deceit.  Honesty gets you a big bag of beans, deceit gets you a little bag and a clue to the immunity idol.  NC goes for the honesty of course.  Dan and Mike debate for a few minutes, thinking villains usually win but ultimately go with honesty because it's too early to be a villain.  They return to camp and tell them what they did.  Sierra doesn't believe them for a minute.  

And of course,  WC picks deceit and spends their time coming up with a lie, just like most management meetings I've been in.  The tell this lame story about 3 choices,  honesty, deceit and juuuuuuust right.  So is starting to think she has made a deal with the devil.  He's totally hitting on her and he says they are now in an alliance.  He calls her honey I think?  Not enough sensitivity training??They said they took juuuuuust right because there could be consequences or something.  Seriously, they can't bluff better than this??  Carolyn isn't buying it but she says she'd have done the exact same thing.  Carolyn and Shirin bond, and bring Max into their group because they all feel like Joaguin and So are too tight.  

BC:  They find crabs to eat, make shelter and build a fire.  LIndsay and Rodney compare tats.  He tells her about the one for his sister who he found murdered.  He's working it because he wants girls  on his alliance because "they'll sit back and let me lead".  

Mike finds a scorpion (really???  Neutered to not sting I'm sure) and chops the tail off and eats it.  He's all "I'm gonna have protein in my belly", until he barfs it up and has to lie down.  Dumbass.  

NC:  OMG IT'S OUR FIRST COCONUT, LETS CELEBRATE!  If only we had some weed!  Vince, aka featherman, approaches Jenn and says they have an instant connection.  She's like ok.  He is a person who develops "instant attraction to women".  LOL!  Stalker tendencies??  Jenn immediately thinks he's a little too intense and decides to smile and nod.  LMAO-and every woman in this pool understands how this to intense thing is creepy.  Vince is off to build the shelter but Joe doesn't like his design and the two start their pissing contest.  

BC: Dan is also arguing about their structure because he is fat and it doesn't seem strong enough to him.  He has no social skills and as the oldest doesn't get the youngsters.  They are laughing and calling him "dumbledorf".  Meanwhile is on the beach in a speedo putting his pants back  on (WTF?) and his buddy Mike comes to cheer him up.  

NC:  Finally, after 29 seasons we have someone who watched a youtube video and practiced making fire!!!!!!  Joe promptly makes fire after he and Jenn do a little back and forth with her saying stuff like 'can I blow on your wood for you, sir?"  Vince is totally jealous and calls Jenn over to ask if she likes Joe better and if she wants our of their "us".  He wants to know if she is more attracted to him and if she wants Joe more than him.  It's like Animal Kingdom "the weaker male must now roll over exposing his flaccid penis acquiescing to the alpha male, thus giving up his mate".  Jenn tries to comfort him but he's still creepy.  He is also paranoid and a LONG HUGGER.  UGH.  I utterly hate that in someone.  She's like dude, we smell bad and I don't want you armpit near my body.  I can't wait until tonight when he tries to mount her.  

WC-finally!  Tyler thinks their shelter is only average, and that they should have upgraded to the Travertine tile.  They also are surprised at how hard it is to make fire.  They joke about hiring some blue collar person to make fire.  

Carolyn is convinced So and Jacquin found an idol clue so she stalks So all afternoon.  So leads her to the spot by the well and Carolyn looks for a tree that looks like the typical IDOL HIDDEN HERE tree.  She finds it.  And, that my children, is what 52 years of experience gets ya.

Immunity Challenge!

Race down a ramp, go through an obstacle course, use knots or keys and locks to unlock a ladder, use it to up, over and down, chose a bag of puzzles, do something else with the ladder and then complete a puzzle.  Jeez, Jeff, don't shoot your challenge wad on the first night!  There are 3 bags of puzzles.  One with 5 pieces that's a tangram anagram puzzle (yes, I know that and i know that you are impressed).  The second one has 10 pieces and is that 3D tree from a couple of seasons ago.  Finally, a 50 piece basic squares with a picture puzzle.  

Wanna know?  2 teams get immunity, first place gets a firemaking kit, second gets fling and 3rd gets to have the first loser on it.  

So, out of the gate pretty even.  They get to the locks, and everyone tries the locks-it's like 20 keys 3 locks.  One by one they switch off and do the knots.  So with her origami genetically superior fingers gets the ladder opened first.  NC gets theirs second the the BCs are struggling.  NC is first up to the puzzle and choses the 10 piece one. which is spatial.  WC picks the easy 50 piece one, surprisingly and Shirin starts work on it.  Apparently you can switch out people.  BC finally gets the knots untied, gets the ladder but can't figure out how to use the ladder to get the puzzle!  Finally they do and they also pick the 10 piece tree.  

Joe steps in and finishes the puzzle and NC wins immunity!  Vince's masculinity takes another hit.  Shirin can't get anywhere with the puzzle and Max takes over.  The BC steps up and wins the second immunity, leaving the WCs in the dust.  And you know they hate that!

Everyone is decided that Shirin and Carolyn are the weakest and it has to be a girl going home for strength.  So surprisingly targets Carolyn instead of Shirin because at least Shirin stepped up.  She tells Jacquin and he doesn't care as long as he gets the hot girl.  Carolyn is suspicious that So is talking to everyone so she confronts her and Jacquin who are like, noooooo, it's not you, in their worst lying voices.  She talks to Tyler and tells him she knows that they don't have the idol because she does.  Max is wavering about his "alliance", because he doesn't want to be with the weak kids, he wants to be with the other power people.  Tyler states that someone is gonna be surprised tonight.

Tribal 

Blah blah fire is your life.  Get a new line Jeff.

Jacquin-we explained about the 3 boxes Jeff and why we chose juuuuust right.  

Shirin-there are some biiiiig holes in that story!

Max-I can't blame them because everyone of us ruthless bastards would have done the same thing and lied.

So says she is in an alliance with 4 people. which is a surprise to Carolyn.  So says, yes, me, Tyler, Max and Jacquin.  

Carolyn is like reeeeallllllty.  She tells them Max and Shirrin are with her.  

So tells Carolyn basically we're voting for you.  You don't do anything and you didn't step up.

Carolyn says you lied and you didn't trust me.  Plus all you did was open knots.

Consensus is that opening the knots was a big deal

Carolyn calls bullshit on So.

Tyler says that they need strength

Max-"I'm just thanking the Gods for the perfect Survivor tribal with a wicked downpour and a lot of drama.

Vote. Anyone have an idol???  Carolyn doesn't play it.

Carolyn II

So IIII and is the first out of Survivor: Worlds Apart!! I'll bet she still gets her bonus.  

Survivor: Outwitted and Outplayed!

Yes, I have missed a few updates!  Reed is out, as is Alec.  Natalie flipped her vote from Keith to Alec at the last tribal because she wanted to use Keith to get rid of Jon.  Following tribal she's all "I thought you said I was supposed to vote Alec not Keith".  She sells it pretty convincingly but Jon believes it's all ok.

Natalie tells Keith what she did in switching her vote, and she explains she wants to align with him and Missy/Baylor to get rid of Jon.  He's like 33 days and I finally get an offer!  He's totally down with getting rid of "Mr and Mrs Prom Queen".  

Reward challenge.  They're divided into 2 teams, belted together and for some reason it's a horse theme.  They have to crawl through hay, then go over/under a hitching post thing, grab a bucket and water and carry it over a giant mesh teeter totter, which is kinda scary.  They fill another bucket, opening a gate and , WAIT FOR IT, they have to do a puzzle.  It's Keith, Missy and Jon vs Baylor, Jac and Natalie.  Wanna know?  A spa day with spa food.  

During the challenge Missy falls a couple of time but really twists her ankle.  Keith and Jon kind of carry her through and they get behind.  The girls get to the puzzle first but don't work as well together.  Keith, Jon and Missy win the challenge. They're dancing around all happy and Jac gets mad because she lost.  And, being the giant pussy that he is, Jon says, "did I say I was going?"  He gives his spot to Baylor so they can have a mother daughter bonding experience,  Natalie gets sent to Exile, and I'm guessing the love birds have a bit of dirty sex back at camp.

At the spa, Missy's ankle is really swollen.  Keith tells her "that ain't good".  The spa food is pretty good, Keith even finds some bacon.  "Don't fill up on that rabbit food, Baylor".  Keith is pretty funny and Baylor starts to like him.  Keith gets a shower finally-30 days of funk gone.  He enjoys the massage but "I don't want the guys at the fire station to know about the extra curricular activities".  

Jon and Jac discuss Natalie's screw up.  Jon, ever concerned about the jury, plans to "make sure the jury knows".  Jac is wondering if maybe Natalie and Keith have something up their sleeve but Jon is convinced Natalie would never flip.  He'd never be outwitted by a female.  

On Exile, Natalie misses her sister.

Immunity Challenge- Keith and Baylor basically carry Missy in.  Natalie comes in and they give her a bowl of rice right away.  Missy says she isn't gonna quit but Jeff has the always Australian medical team come take a look at her ankle.  He says it might be broken but they'd have to pull her from the game for an Xray. Remind me again, did they NOT take other people out for Xrays, and then return them or pull them permanently??  Wasn't there a girl with a broken wrist on day 1?  It's totally random and it pisses me off.  Anyway, they decide to immobilize her ankle so she can stay in.   Baylor says she's a fighter.  

The challenge is to stand on little blocks on yet another teeter totter, hold on to handles and balance a vase.  AND THERE'S A LOT OF WIND.  "Out of nowhere mother nature saying hello".  Someone should write a book of stupid Probst comments.  Jac is of course first out.  She wouldn't even be this far without Jon's assistance.  She's just a useless nasty human being. It comes down to Natalie and Jon and Natalie pulls it out and wins immunity!  

Jon is convinced that Natalie winning makes up for her "mistake", and they have a clear shot at Keith now.  "God has a plan and I have to accept it".  Yea, isn't that always easy to say when you think you're getting everything you want??  

Natalie's plan is to split the votes 2 Jon, 2 Jac and then the Prom couple will vote 2 for Keith.  The re-vote will be just Nat, Baylor and Missy.  She tells Keith to act sad like he's going home.  Jac tells Jon she isn't sure that they aren't trying to blindside him but he's too much of an arrogant prick to  listen to her.  

Baylor tries to talk Missy into the plan but Missy treats Jon like her son and she swears she made him a promise to never vote him off.  She won't break her deal.  Missy is frustrated because her mom is a 3 time man loser and is once again putting a man ahead of her daughter.  "She needs to get with the program".  Missy wants to play "truthfully", a trait that bugs the shit out of me.  BUT, she admits the Jon and Jac show might need to come to an end.  

Tribal

Before he even asks the question, Keith starts saying "I can't pierce these 5, I've tried.  But I do have a vote and they could use me"

Jon mumbles again about the 5 and trust. 

Jac tells Jeff she feels strong about the 5 and that she and Jon aren't going anywhere.  

Natalie admits that she is a 3rd swing vote but the blood is thick with the 2 pairs in her alliance.  She reminds them that she hasn't been there in 2 days due to exile.  

Jon says, "yes my finale speech is prepared."  And then trust/loyalty blah blah blah

Missy agrees that yes, this would be a BIG MOVE TIME, But her foot hurts so apparently she can't think clearly.  Could Keith break the 5 up?  Maybe but I'M LOYAL.

Time to vote.  Any idols?  Nope.  Jac is looking at Jon like he's the idiot that he is.  The vote is.....Keith 2, Jac 2 and Jon 2.  Natalie is ecstatic, as is the jury.  Re-vote and Jon is off!  Jac is not gonna be a happy little Prom Queen!

Jeff:  This game is now wide open.  

2 hour finale tomorrow night!  Who's it gonna be?  I can't believe I'm actually leaning towards Natalie for the win!  Be sure to watch Jon on his first day at Ponderosa.  He still didn't realize Natalie orchestrated the whole thing until Alec tells him!  

Good luck to everyone left in the pool!!!

Survivor Flying Idols!

Sorry. bad weather, the holiday and my Dad kept me from the last update.  Basically Jeremy got the boot because he challenged Jon about having an idol.  I actually had to watch Ponderosa after that one to see how he and Josh were getting along but they seemed good, which  you could see last week with them watching that tribal...but I'm getting ahead of myself.  

Just a warning, tonight I believe there are 2 episodes back to back.  You might need to adjust your DVR.

So.  Natalie was  upset that she didn't know about the blindside.  Jon tells her he has an idol to smooth her trust issues.  She wants to give him a taste of his own medicine.

Keith says he thought Reed was going home so he was surprised.  He says Reed is all smart and knows math (which I assume is knowing how to count to 9 at this point).  Reed can't decide whether to suck up to Jon or get rid of him.  

Challenge.  2 teams with that schoolhouse pick, which I understand less than the rock paper scissor thing.  Guess I didn't play may reindeer games in elementary school.  Mostly huddled near the door waiting to go back inside and learn like a good little geek.  The reward is a half assed salute to Nicaragua and their penchant for training poor little boys for the American baseball racket.  They get to hand out gear and eat baseball food.  

Oh, it's this swim, climb a thing, jump off and grab keys, drag a puzzle and then build a puzzle statue.  

Yellow: Reed, Alec, Jac and Jon who I guess are Siamese twins.  Blue is Missy, Baylor, Natalie and Wes.  Keith isn't picked.  Ironically, they are neck and neck in the physical part and then the blue team totally falls apart trying to use a key.  Yellow wins easily.  Baylor is all upset because Missy hasn't won a challenge.  Reed offers her his spot.  And Wes goes to Exile.  

It's a cute reward, and Missy gets "recharged".  Jon gives some kid a taste of his ice cream and then goes on about how Jac can't have children due to something she was born with and how they're just gonna adopt.  I SWEAR if that shit wasn't said in the private confessional I'd think it was another example of "dude, grandma died???"  First his Dad is dying, and now they can't have kids.  

Reed uses the time to get to Keith who he doesn't think really GETS the game.  He tells him that they are all going to split between him and Wes but he wants to blindside Jon instead using his and Alec's vote.  Keith is like dazzled by the strategy and says, "mmmmmkay".  

Natalie gets Baylor and they run off to find the idol. which Natalie finds.  Natalie wants to keep Jon for one more vote, taking another male out first so that they girls will have the numbers.  She wants Reed to go.

Immunity Challenge.  Holy shit it's LITERALLY a crucifixion challenge, only no nails!  The have to stand on a platform with their arms holding the cross until they drop.  

Jeff comes out after 7 minutes with a bowl of candy.  Which Jon jumps for.  Keith says "he must feel safe..."  

Missy falls out.  More food-milk and cookies for 2.  Baylor and Jac jump off.  

After 45 minutes, it's wings and beer.  Wes jumps off immediately to the disrespect of his Dad.  He calls it CRAZY,  Keith also tells Natalie "there's your whole team sitting over there.  You're fighting for them while the rest of us are fighting for our lives".  

Wes is using his facetime with Jeff to share all kinds of things, like how he ate 58 chicken nuggets in 5 minutes in a Eat'n Nuggets Contest.  What, what?  LOL!  He needs a reality show.  

Keith's feet are purple.  He starts to shake and is out after an hour and 45 minutes.  Alec follows him.  

Wes is now asking Jeff about the time he was on 2 Men making bacon in what totally resembles an old Saturday Night Live skit with Chris Farley playing Wes.  "Remember that time you were on 2 men?  That was great..."

It's down to Natalie and Reed.  Reed looks like he can go on forever.  Natalie asks if there's more food to come.  Jeff is like, now, after 3 hours you'd drop for food?  She says, I'm not leaving except for food.  She requests pizza, wings, cookies and water.  Jeff brings it all out and she drops.  

Reed wins immunity!!!  I'm still in the pool!!!  Neither can move.  Reed slumps into a beautiful split and Jeff has to take the necklace over to him.  

Reed is using Jon's stepping down after 7 minutes to show how overconfident he is. He talks everyone into saying they agree with the 4/3 split but he and Alec, with Wes and Keith are going to vote for Jon.  

Tribal

Jac says she doesn't know if anyone is safe.

Baylor-Josh and Jeremy thought they were safe too.

Jeff asks Keith about no idols being played, and he says "somebody feels comfortable".

Natalie says if she had an idol she would feel like it was a curse and a blessing.

Reed points out that 5 people stepped down in the challenge due to feeling comfortable. He wonders aloud if Keith and Wes have an idol?  

Keith says something and then "stick to the plan"

Jon is like, what?

Reed starts talking behind Jon's back about sticking to the plan, and everyone starts talking to each other about plans and stuff and it's TOTALLY OBVIOUS that there are multiple plans going on.

Missy says it's total chaos.  

Baylor says she feels like it's 3 different carnival mirror effects all at once and "i think I'll follow my gut when I get in to vote".  

They vote.  Natalie tells Jon, "Dude, play your idol!".  He's like, ya think I should???  

Jon ultimately plays his idol, and then Keith takes theirs out and offers it to Wes who says, "it's yours".  Keith plays his idol.   Ultimately, Jon would have gone out if he hadn't listened to Natalie, who totally picked up the drama unfolding.  Wes is unfortunately voted out. Everyone knows Reed and Alec flipped.  

Jeff:  You are playing aggressively and risky, Now that you've started you can never go back......

Survivor: Farts Matter

How on earth did we get to the point where my favorite player this season is a freaking TWINNIE?  I don't like anyone left.  So, in the lead in Jeff uses the work WRINKLE like 4 times, and then Missy discusses THE LATEST WRINKLE.  Scripted much??  

Jeremy's fate was saved last week by the quitting trail mix minx.  JonJac are taking their morning love stroll and wondering, "are we being deceitful?  They both think we're in their alliance.  But taking out Jeremy is a BIG MOVE.  

Reward Challenge:  They're split into 2 teams and have to like, load a cart thing up with heavy puzzle pieces, push it about 10 feet, unload it and build a temple thing, then unlock a statue, hoist it up and raise a flag.  Yea, I was raising the fucking white flag just listening to all of the parts of this challenge.  Wanna know what you're playing for?  The trademarked SURVIVOR TACO BAR party!  Because nothing feels better on a stomach that's only been eating rice and fish than spicy meat and chicken, with some greasy cheese!  Holy man, better grab me a big handful of leaves and go shit in the woods!  (although you know there are porta poties-you don't go twenty whatever seasons without a massive e coli infection.  I mean these people can't make fire.  You think they can dig clean latrines???)  

I'll spare you the details but Keith, troll-boy Wes, Jeremy, Reed, and Natalie win.  Jon gets sent to Exile Island.  

So basically it's a mix of people on different alliances.  Natalie asks if they should strategize like normal people do or just eat.  Wes goes with "just eat".  Keith keeps telling him to slooooow down and enjoy the food but you can't talk to a dog with a possum in his sights.  

Keith goes on this strange rant about how Julie was their pick last tribal and boy howdie were they scrambling trying to come up with SOMEONE ELSE to vote off and weeeeeehaaaaaa were they glad when tribal got canceled.  LOL!  Jeremy says "At least Keith is trying to play the game.  He sucks but he's trying".  

Wes:  "It was all fun and games until it wasn't".  He walks his bloated self off.  Keith tells us "he's a good buy, he ain't never been arrested or nothing".  Ahhh, so now we know how low the bar is in that family.  

Back at camp, Josh is all tippytoes to line up an alliance with more numbers than his bitter rival, Jeremy has.  He decides to take another heavy handed swipe at Baylor.  "I think you owe me at least one vote for saving you".  Baylor decides to go all righteous and points out that he's a Christian, with a minister father and shouldn't expect payback for doing the right thing.  People, people, people,  SURVIVOR IS NOT A CHRISTIAN GAME, AND IS  NOT FOUND IN REVELATIONS.  Either shut up about Christianity on the show or go full out and have Survivor: Christians and Atheists.  Let's finally DUKE THIS THING OUT.  

So anyway, Baylor tells Josh she hears "people" saying that she's riding Josh's coattails.  Which Josh takes as Missy controlling her and gives up on her.  

He next talks to Jac.  "WE ARE TOTALLY VOTING WITH YOU, THAT'S A FACT".  

On Exile, Jon gets a clue to a new idol hidden on EI.  And then he finds it.  Hmmmmm.  Perhaps the cameramen are like my dog who keeps looking at me, and then at the treat jar, then at me, then at the treat jar.....

Back at camp, boys will be boys.  All the women are complaining about the men being crude and rude around them.  Even Jeremy is complaining about it.  They rush in to eat first, and make the women clean up and take out their trash.  Keith totally rags on Baylor, telling her she's lazy and making her get wood.  Alec tells them "hey, keep that fire going girls.  I know Natalie will but the rest on them? "  Jac, Nat and Baylor sit around complaining.  Jac is upset that they act like they already have her vote and don't have to work for it.  Pssst, honey, when you just hang around making out with your boyfriend no one is gonna think you have any gameplay in you.  

Keith tells the guys he's a little worried about Jac.  Nah, she'll do whatever Jon tells her to do and he's with us manly men.  

Immunity Challenge.  It's the remember a sequence of tiles thing.  Jon is out almost immediately because I guess he hasn't eaten in 2 days.  Keith, Wes, a bunch of them get out.  Like, they're not even confused about the ORDER of the symbols, they're holding up symbols THAT AREN'T EVEN BEING USED.  LOL!  It comes down, as all good well scripted dramas do, between Josh and Jeremy, and Jeremy wins immunity.  

Jeremy knows it's all about JonJac.  Josh and company are going for Baylor.  Jac tells Jon that she doesn't like the boys anymore because they were rude to her, several of them were still farting up the taco buffet, and they don't really even talk to her or treat her like they are in an alliance when he's not around.  On the one hand she's right but on the other she is so into hanging with Jon that SHE HERSELF NEVER INTERACTS WITH THE PEOPLE IN HER "ALLIANCE".   Babe, YOU AIN'T WINNING A MILLION DOLLARS.  Let me break it to you.  She also points out that they are much stronger and will win challenges, while they can totally take Baylor and Missy.  

Reed walks up and basically ignores Jac and tells them to vote for Baylor.  Goes on about how much he's missed Jon.  It's kind of awkward.  

Missy tells Keith that he's basically Jon's bitch.  He tells her Baylor is going home next.  Says she's lazy and Missy overcompensates for her and does her work.  They go back and forth about who's the worst parent.  

Jac is still holding pouting and working on Jon.  

Tribal

Jeremy: Yes, genius, I needed immunity

Josh: Whaaaa, I needed it too

Jac: John and me are swing votes.  We've also been so dumb'd down from these hicks we've lost basic grammar

Nat says something about being protective over her original tribe, which I assume means Jon.  She also points out that around camp the guys treated Jac like crap

Jac jumps on that and is PISSED.  They disrespected me, and me and Jon talk and decide things together.  

Missy goes further saying it's like a frat house with the belching, farting and spitting.

Keith says he hasn't heard Wes fart in a bit.  LOL.  Everyone here has gas!  It ain't the Hilton!

Reed says that he's been polite.  He tries to work on JonJac saying the singles will try to pull them apart by voting one of them off.  

Jon says something about abrupt changes being scary.  Or whatever.  

Vote.  

Baylor 5, Josh 6.  Josh, it's time to take your final bow.