Survivor: And Now There Are 3

Good Tuesday!  Welcome to the Survivor Update, week 2!  And a day early (pat on my back).  Take a look at the new Mana tribe, Tony was voted out at the last Tribal, which leaves Sandra as da Queen.  

It's time for an early oh so upsetting to alliances DROP YOUR BUFFS event.  And the 2 tribes shall become 3 with the new tribe starting out "from scratch with nothing".  Um, it's what, day 4?This goes to show how much freaking STUFF today's Survivor kids are given.  So, here's the new line up:

On the old Orange tribe:  JT, angry Michaela, da Queen Sandra, Varner, Malcolm and tryin-to-hard Aubry.  JT is basically the odd man out as the only one remaining orange.  

On Blue:  We have Caleb, Tai, Brad and Haley, secret agent Debbie and the blonde Sierra.  Caleb and Haley are out of numbers.

The new tribe, Green (yea I know they all have real tribe names but I'll bet none of you know them either): Troyzan, Ciri, Zeke, Sarah, Ozzy and Andrea.  Troy is the odd man out, and Ozzy and Ciri are once again tethered at the neck.  

They return to their new beaches and Malcolm is blown away by the luxury at the Orange tribe's digs.  They have chickens, tools and have even hung Pier 1 Import shit from the trees to decorate. Yes, Malcolm, you youngins are totally spoiled.  Ask
Australia season Jeff Varner about it.  Malcolm says it's like being at a SPA.  

JT realizes he's pretty screwed and it's time to scramble.  He takes everyone out on their ChrisCraft boat to go fishing with all their gear, making sure they are waaaaay out.  He then engineers a reason to go back to camp to get a wrench, leaving the former blue tribe adrift without any way to like, oh I don't know, FREAKING PADDLE BACK TO CAMP.  JT runs around looking for an idol long enough that even Varner knows he's out looking for an idol.  They decide he's dangerous, but agree they have the numbers.  Then they open another bottle of veuve cliquot rose, NOT CHILLED PROPERLY, because "roughing it".  

On the new Orange, Hali and Caleb are on the bottom.  Brad and Tai apparently have a relationship so Brad talks to Tai about who to get rid of.  They discuss Caleb and Debbie.
NOTE:  Can anyone tell me what BIG MOVE Tai ever was a part of?  Because he always seems to be the most clueless scrambler to me.  

Anyway, Tai wants Caleb to stay.  Shit, Tai wants everyone to stay and he wants them all to form a new family and live out their days as best friends with chickens (BFWC).  

On the Green tribe, Troy is the odd man out.  Ciri and Ozzy talk and agree they are safe now.  Ciri is really trying to calm the inner bitch and cultivate a healthy relationship with Ozzy.  

Troy is standing near a silent Andrea and asks her, do I have the plague?  She's all "oh hey, didn't see or smell you standing there".  He thinks she's a little devil but not nearly as clever as she thinks.  And normally I'd be upset about that kind of sexist talk but, hell, he's right.  

Troy decides to go idol looking, while the rest of the tribe discusses how he wouldn't have the balls to look too long for an idol, what him being odd man out and they having constant surveillance.  He finds a message in a bottle on the beach, and it's fortunately not a Nicholas Sparks novel.  It's a clue for an idol hidden at the challenge which he has to be BOLD to grab.

Da Queen wants to eat a goat.  There are a few of them "wandering" around this camp, and by wandering around I mean being periodically released by the producers for goat shots.  JT, trying to save his ass, says he can catch a goat.  He doesn't want to eat goat but whatever keeps da queen happy.  He catches a little baby goat, and then they catch the momma goat.  Sandra all but chomps into the baby goat still alive.  Nobody wants to kill the baby and momma goat, except Sandra who would kill any of the other survivors if she thought it would get her another 12 hours closer to another freaking million dollars.  Anyone else curious what tacky shit she blew the first 2 on???  Probably a trailer version of Mar-A-Logo.  

JT says, I can't eat the baby/momma goats.  Shall we try for a male?  Malcolm says this is how Sandra is in real life.  She doesn't give a damn about anyone else.  Michaela suggests they could just eat chicken, the other white meat, instead.  PETA crisis averted as Sandra releases her death grip on the baby goat she named Filet and they decide not to eat goat.  

Challenge.  Oh lord, how many freaking parts is this one gonna have before we get to the puzzle???  3 people are tied together and have to do some obstacles, then an over/under thing, then until and carry buckets over these giant net teeter-totter things to fill up another bucket and open a gate and then somehow dig? (I was getting lost already) and get puzzle pieces and another couple of people will do big board puzzles of, you guessed it, the logo.

Wanna know?  MORE LUXURY ITEMS!!!  Playing for a tarp and a choice of body comfort or tastebud comfort.  Second team gets the other luxury item.  

Blue wins first place and then Green gets second,  In the celebration Troy gets himself on the other side of the board and grabs the idol.  

Orange has to send somebody home.  Debbie declares they are rock solid and will be sending either Caleb or Hali home.  Debbie and Sierra discuss how Tai and Caleb are dangerous together.  Debbie still thinks they are strong but Sierra tells her she'd be a fool to discount that relationship.  

Brad wants Tai to decide on Caleb, so he talks to him about how merging with Tai and Caleb together is dangerous for Tai because people will assume you are together.  Tai says it makes sense but.....

Tribal-Jeff gets to do his fire is your life shit 3 times, which is probably the reason for the split.
Debbie says something about everyone assuming Tai and Caleb have a link, and Caleb rebuts that this time he's from a different tribe.

Sierra says it's a huge concern for her, that history (even though he left on day 9 last season).  She says she and Hali had no relationship,  

Hali says Caleb has more angles to work the group then she does.  It's pointed out that Hali is a law student, who happens to get lots of free time to play survivor, and this is one of her closing arguments.

Caleb says the choice is stronger and better for challenges him or manipulated easy vote Hali
Hali says, see?  That kind of statement is why he is a threat.  

Brad says, something. LOL

Tai says something in another language about looking at loyalty, trust and the long picture.
Caleb again says he's an asset and she has relationships on the other tribe.  

Hali ends her rebuttal with "and I like long walks on the beach, sunsets and am open to new relationships".  
Survivor
Time to vote.......and it's Caleb.

Survivor Game Changers: Week 1

So, it's a GAME CHANGER season.  Everyone picked is apparently capable of BIG MOVES.  Able to do "anything, anytime to anyone".  

We start out on the boat thing, with time to grab whatever you need.  Something out in the water with tools and Ozzy is the only one to swim for and get it.  There's chickens, and there's a secret advantage.  And they're off in 2 tribes to their camps.  

The orange Mana tribe is:

Aubry Bracco from SURVIVOR: KAOH RONG
Caleb Reynolds from SURVIVOR: KAOH RONG
Ciera Easton from SURVIVOR: BLOOD VS. WATER
Hali Ford from SURVIVOR: WORLDS APART
Jeff Varner from SURVIVOR: AUSTRALIA
Malcolm Freberg from SURVIVOR: PHILIPPINES
Michaela Bradshaw from SURVIVOR: MILLENNIALS VS. GEN-X
Sandra Diaz-Twine from SURVIVOR: PEARL ISLANDS
Tony Viachos from SURVIVOR: CAGAYAN
Troyzan Robertson from SURVIVOR: ONE WORLD

The blue Nuku tribe:

Andrea Boehike from SURVIVOR: REDEMPTION ISLAND
Brad Culpepper from SURVIVOR: BLOOD VS. WATER
Ciere Fields from SURVIVOR: EXILE ISLAND
Debbie Wanner from SURVIVOR: KAOH RONG
JT Thomas from SURVIVOR: TOCANTINS
Ozzy Lusth from SURVIVOR: COOK ISLANDS
Sarah Lacina from SURVIVOR: CAGAYAN
Sierra Dawn Thomas from SURVIVOR: WORLDS APART
Tai Trang from SURVIVOR: KAOH RONG
Zeke Smith from SURVIVOR: MILLENNIALS VS. GEN-X

On the orange tribe Tony starts right up being crazy.  He immediately runs off yelling "I'M LOOKING FOR THE IDOL".  He tries to play this off as a joke but it didn't go down well.  Caleb and Ciri eventually follow him and tell him they were sent to watch his crazy ass.  Caleb says he now has a target on his hairy back.  

On blue Zeke is all star struck and thinks he has the bestest tribe mates.  He wants to get dirty and change the game already.  Oh and there are goats over on the Nuku beach which some want to catch and eat.  Even the previews seem to suggest that there's gonna be goat murder and no doubt a PETA complaint filed. 

Sierra has the secret advantage which is another legacy thingy that she can will away if she gets voted off, or she an use only when there are either 13 or 6 people left.  Sierra talks to Ozzy about how Ciri is scary and Ozzy agrees she's a potential problem.  Ciri talks to Ozzy about there being a clean slate this season as apparently they have a bad history.  Ozzy goes along with her but says that Ciri is week.  Tai wants everyone to be one happy family again and doesn't want Ciri to go.  He approaches Ciri to tell her she needs to work things out with Ozzy, after she thought she had, and "the war is gonna start".  

Oh and there are a lot of pictures of SHARKS this season.

Tony announces he's getting water and then goes idol looking.  He's also decided this season he's building a spy bunker instead of a spy shack and proceeds to dig a hole in the ground.  Which is ridiculous because how are you going to sneak up and then bury yourself in the ground without being seen.  Troy comes up on him and catches him, calls him an idol weasel.  He then tells Malcolm and everyone knows he was digging around.  

Cierra wants to teach him a lesson, says he should go OR his right hand man should go.  Malcolm tells people that Cierra is already throwing out names.  

Immunity Challenge:  Race to a raft, paddle to a platform, get keys, then there are obstacles, them of course 2 bags of puzzles, then there is a chest where the key gets you another bag of puzzles and then, THERE IS A PUZZLE like a ship wheel.  For some reason this season appears to have a New England shipwreck theme.  Oh, there's also a twist this season where a tie leads to....I dunno some vote or no vote situation and then rocks.  I think the people who were tied end up immune from rocks or something.  

Blue wins immunity.

Varner wants the vote to be about keeping the team strong.  Troy et al want to get rid of game changers (um, that would be all of you if you read your contract), they want Cierra who was stirring shit already.  Cierra walks up during this discussion and they tell her it's MIchaela, because why not the overly sensitive black girl?  They tell Michaela that it's Cierra and she's all cool, until she asks "who does Cierra thing it it?"  When she hears her name she's all mad as hell.  Aubry and Troy discuss her being a hot head and scary.  Sandra things perhaps Michaela should go.  

Tribal, and there is a New England lighthouse.  I'm so confused.

Tony says they shut his fooling down

Malcolm says 10 seconds in he was a crazy fool

Aubry says his impression from his season was correct.

Caleb admits he is a total unknown, being medevac'd out early on his season.

Michaela says she hopes she made a good impression but someone has to go

Sandra says she's an underdog because no one would give her another million dollars

Haley says that the discussions are 1) challenge weakness or 2) ruffled feathers

Cierra asks if she's the one they are eluding to with loose lips

Michaele says she'll be surprised if she gets away without a vote.

They vote and Cierra is out.  And I finally realize that Cierra looks exactly like Casey Anthony, the maybe murderer.  

And another episode follows.  On Orange Tony is bored already.  Or his bipolar meds are wearing off.  He tells Aubry they are both threats and should work together.  Says they need a strong 5 and wants Malcolm, Caleb and Sandra with them.  

Tony talks to Sandra and they agree neither of them can win unless there are 3 prior winners left at the end.  She agrees.

On blue, Tai is obsessing over the fucking chickens already.  Debbie plays mom and says, let's not get attached to the dinner.  JT is annoyed already with the chickens.  

Orange: Tony can't sleep when he's in his manic phase so he goes off to work on the spy bunker.  Sandra and Troy are also awake and decide to walk off to talk.  Tony listens in and then approaches them, saying what's up?  They lie to them about what they were doing.  He's an ass and says he has no trust.  Sandra says that Tony was acting like a cop hassling her.  CRAZY.  

Blue tribe is all who can work with who?  Ozzy and JT talk, Cirie gets all threatened, can;t figure out who she can lay with.  Sarah agrees to work with her but not really, she wants to "play like a criminal"  instead of a cop.  Cirie talks to Zeke who says OK but wants to keep his options open, things she's dangerous.  She talks to nutty Debbie who tells her she's talking too much.  Debbie is, as we know, and expert at counter intelligence from some volunteer military thing that makes no sense to me.  Civil air patrol, which may be a real thing  but sounds like those block captain during WWII that just went around checking if people's black out curtains were black out.  Anyway her bullshit detector is going off over Cirie.  

Orange:  Sandra asks Haly is Tony approached her. She says no.  Sandra says they are gonna turn the tables.  Sandra, as Varner puts it, talked to everyone and put an alliance together in 5 minutes.  Game on!

Tony and Aubry decide they are no longer with Sandra and need another for their 5.  Time for some ruthlessness.  He approaches Malcolm about getting rid of Sandra.  Malcolm isn't a huge Tony fan but thinks they need the strength a little longer.  Caleb thinks Sandra is bad but he can't trust Tony either.  Caleb thinks it would be crazy to let Sandra take out Tony and get stronger.  

Immunity Challenge:  Jesus, it's like freaking 20 stages.  6 people, in the ocean, balance bean, a cage with a giant sand filled snake to be retrieved and carried back over the balance beam, and there are tiles on the snake with numbers that are used in a combo lock, which get you rings for a ring toss that spells who knows what with oars.  Wanna now what else you are playing for?  Fishing gear.  Cirie sits out.

Varner is useless.  Orange is awful at the challenge, blue gets a humongous lead that Malcolm kills with his mad ring tossing skills.  He pulls it soooo close but then gets tired and his aim is a little off.  Michaela wants to tag in and he says no.  And then they lose to the blue tribe.  

Michaela is, as usual, mad.  She's frustrated that she had to stand by.  

Sandra says Tony has to go.  Varner says he never stops and they wonder if he has an idol. Split vote?  

Tony wants to make a BIG MOVE.  Tells Caleb Sandra is dangerous.  They decide they need another vote and wonder if Michaela can be flipped.  He tries to work on Varner and Michaela that they need to keep strong people and Sandra isn't strong.  Micheala hates losing.  Varner enjoys having 2 prior winners going at it.  

Shipwreck Tribal

Malcolm says strong players are safer

Michaela announces she's STRONG!  She agrees it doesn't make sense to get rid of strong people.

Sandra says she's worried because their strength isn't working.  

Tony says he's 50% less paranoid tonight, wonders if he has to wake up at 4 am again to see people running off.  

Sandra says Tony is paranoid.

Tony says he's working against his reputation but that he's not playing a liar or scamming anyone this season.  

Varner says he believes him. All the guys fall in line with that.

Varner says that they are a round hole and they have to get out the square peg. 

Ok, literally my dog ate the last page of my notes.  LOL!!!  But bottom line is, Tony is voted off.  

Survivor: Down to the finale!!

And we are down to 8 to start this recap.  Will did flip his vote, not that it mattered last week but he is now a man.  LOL.  That's the problem with these kids today having sex at 14, they then have to do stupid shit like this to become a man.  Bret isn't impressed.  Says it was like "make a big move" was on his checklist.  High school move.  Has Bret actually moved out of a seated position this season?  Talk about someone going along with the flow!  He better not win.

Bret and Sunday talk to Adam and decide Dave, Jay and Will are the biggest threats and have to be the next 3 to go.  

BANG.   Immunity Challenge.  Holy shit, was there a reward challenge that was too boring to even include??  This is kind of interesting.  Carry 10 disks on 2 ends of a horizontal pole through an obstacle course with a balance beam, then feed them into this kind of miniature golf course thing where the disks have to be rolled into the slot and out the back.  I do think there should have been a giant paper mache pirate standing over the slot thing but, whatever.  Will can't get his manly ass through the course, so Jay, who probably also spends half of his life in an arcade (do they still have arcades??), wins immunity.  Jay is actually growing on me so I would be OK if he wins the million.  

Jay wants Ken to go home because Ken can win challenges.  And totally will get all of the good months on the 2017 Survivor Calendars.  

Manly Will is CALLING THE SHOTS!!!  LOL, he can't even legally DO SHOTS.  He's all for David going home.  David is still pushing the "polishing his college application/resume" line and wants Will to go.  Adam agrees that Will is a big threat I guess to win the game, now that his voice has changed and his plea to the jury will sound more manly.  Adam doesn't want Will in control of his fate.  He tells Bret that he's voting for Will.  Adam also tells Hannah who is actually more in control of the game than any of these boys realize.  She tries to argue that it's not the best move given he just joined him and they could use him a bit longer.  

Bret and Sunday are apparently in a weak position.  That's what my notes say anyway.  I guess the fake question of the night will be, to blindside Will or Dave.  Although, c'mon, will anyone be actually blindsided at this point in this season of whiplash?  Adam says.....TIME FOR MY MOVES.......

Tribal.  C'mon who else SCREAMED LAUGHING AT ZEKE'S HAIR???

Will says his big move caused a stir at camp.  Jay thought it sucked.  

Happy David says he has "deep concerns it's me"

Hannah says that everyone left has worked with and against you so the question is who to take to the final.

Adam points out the history of this season is that good moves tend to get you kicked out.

Or as Jeff has to rephrase, "you need a resume but moves are dangerous".  Thank you Captain Obvious.  

Jay ends tribal by saying "everyone's a player".  It will either be an easy vote or another BIG MOVE.  

In the end, it's between David and Will and the MAN is voted off.  (Will).

BUT WAIT, AGAIN THERE'S MORE!!!

Jay has decided he is the black plaque and anyone who makes a move with him goes home. But Jay isn't going home.  

Jay and Adam commiserate that they have a sick love/hate relationship.  It is interesting how that has grown recently.  Jay tells Adam that David will take him out and will probably win.  David, boys and girls, has a quite the phoenix rising from the ashes story.  Adam agrees that they need an opportunity to take a stab at getting rid of David.

Bang again.  Immunity Challenge.  I know there was a reward challenge that they must have edited out.  Oh, for the good old days when by now people were freaking starving and a bite of food was important in stamina.  Now they're like, "hey Jeff, can you ask Mark Burnett if we can have something other than pizza, hamburgers or fried chicken?  How about a nice salmon.  We're worried about our cholesterol with all of the meat we've had this season.  

The challenge is another interesting one.  There's the same sets of blocks to solve the same freaking "Millennials vs Generation X" puzzle.  But this time there's like a pinball machine and if the ball falls it goes through a really slow set of ramps and they can't work on the puzzle during that time.  Jeff points out that in his psych 101 class at Game Show College that's called split focus.  Ken wins with a little help from Adam telling him when to move his balls, so to speak.  

Jay flat out states that he's voting for David and asks to stay around.  It's scramble time.  The first question is will Jay play his idol?  Adam wants Jay to play it and then for David to go home.  David talks to Ken and Hannah.  He wants Bret, but Hannah wants Sunday because she is a goat that someone might take to the end as a sure person to beat.  She is afraid at the end Adam will flip and take Sunday instead of her.  Sunday is hotter.  Kidding.  Not really...  David and Ken agree with Sunday.  

Adam tries to convince Ken and Hannah that they should vote Jay since they believe Jay, Sunday and Bret will vote for David.  He doesn't want them to go with Sunday because he wants either Jay or David gone.  Ken wants David to stay.  

Adam talks with Jay and tells him he needs to play the idol.  Why should I believe you?  They talk about how much winning would mean to each other and Adam tells him about his mom with the stage 4 cancer.  Jay gets emotional and says he understands because his mom also has an illness and he worries all the time about losing her.  Jay decides Adam isn't a weasel and is in fact a good dude.  

Hannah tells Adam she is going with Sunday.  She believes if they save David he will be more loyal.  Adam thinks this is a giant threat.  

Tribal

David tells sappy Jeff that yes, friendships and alliances still matter.  Jay agrees that alliances have currency.  But that they guy with the friends is a bigger threat.  David argues that the guy without friends can play free agent.  

Jeff asks David if he is a threat and he says yes.  Adam points out that David is in the vote majority and that his transformation from a pile of neurosis to just a regular dirty gay is something juries love.  Hannah agrees that at this point in the game it is about who it your biggest threat.  

Sunday says that she is not a physical threat and hopefully someone people will want to take to the end.  

Adam says that everyone is playing their own game and it's all about jury perception.  

Time to vote.  Any idol???????  Jay says, AAAALLLLLLRRRRIIIIIIIIIGHT  and hands it over.

Vote:  Jay 1, David 2 and Sunday gets 4 and is voted out.

And now we are 6:  3 Ms and 3 Xers.  Good luck to you lucky bastard that still have a chance!!!

Survivor Update: Will's big move

Ok so when we last spoke Jessica was the loser in the always risky rock drawing.  Personally I preferred the old MAKE FIRE CHALLENGE.  David is pissed he burned his idol, and Zeke is all I'M A WINNER!!!  I'm totally final 5 and I'm just as happy that David is going to lose!!  

Challenge.  With families.  It's a giant boohoo fest.  Adam gets to see his brother and ask about his mom.  Ken HAS A BROTHER who is hot hot hot.  Jeff is totally losing his mind spewing psychobabble about families and shit.  The challenge is a rope maze thing where they are tied to the rope and have to untangle it. Wanna know?  BBQ on the beach with your loved ones.  

Adam gets totally stuck under a pole in the sand and I actually had a bit of an anxiety attack thinking of it.  Jay wins the challenge and gets to pick another person...picks his only friend Will. Then Sunday and ONE MORE.  Everyone is begging him but he picks Adam because "Adam had the power to take this away from me and didn't".  

Adam and his brother catch up on his mom, who is stage 4 lung cancer and has had to stop chemo apparently.  She "is getting strength from you".  I am resisting googling him to see if she has died yet since the show was filmed in the spring.  Ok, I just googled it,  I'll let you decide if you want to know.  

Jay and his sister go and sit with Adam and his brother.  Adam is so appreciative that he gives Jay the "steal a reward" advantage.  

Will says seeing his mom made him want to grow up into a BIG BOY, so now he is busy joining the band and the glee club to build his college resume.  He wants to MAKE A BIG MOVE so everyone will stop seeing him as a kid and paying him no attention.  And if that doesn't happen he is totally going to hold his breath until they do.  Will tells David he wants to be a BMOC and David is like, OK, use me for the vote.  Will gets all mad and is "Duuuude, I don't want to use anyone I want to make the BIG MOVE totally on my own.  I'm here to play and I want to take out Zeke.  That'll show them!

Immunity Challenge:  have they done this one before?  It's like 2 handles that you have to apply equal pressure to in order to hold a steel bar between them.  Looks like something they sold to increase woman's breast size in the 50s.  

Adam wins immunity.

So back at camp, Zeke and his merry followers are like, "hmmmmm why are David and those losers so calm?  Don't they know we have ALL OF THE POWER?  

Will talks to Ken.  Now, I like Ken and I think Ken was just being protective since Will came out of the blue to talk to him and has to date not been an ally.  He tells Ken they don't listen to him, wah wah wah.  I want to make a big move!  Ken asks him a lot of questions and Will gets all Millennial on him that it's like having his fingernails and toenails pulled out to have to work with Ken.  He tells Ken that the Zeke army wants to get rid of him.  

Ken, unwisely, confronts Jay immediately about the plan to get rid of him asking if it's true.  Which basically blows things up.  Will gets pissed off and now wants Ken gone because of his extreme arrogance and ego.  Will's vignettes are getting a little over the top.  Will is totally angry!  NOW I HAVE TO DECIDE!!!!  AND BE IN CONTROL!!!  BIG MAN!!!

Tribal

David tells Jeff that it's basically 4 people and one swing vote, which Sunday lays out to be Will.  Will tells Jeff that his plan was to vote out Zeke but Ken announced it to everyone.  He whines to Jeff about wanting to sit at the adult table at Christmas, and to be treated like an adult, gosh darn it.  

Sunday says that he was swayed to want to vote out Zeke.  Will is like I WAS NOT SWAYED!!!  Adults do not get SWAYED.  I want to make THE BIG MOVE.  THE BIGGEST MOVE EVER.  A HUGE MOVE!  

Zeke tries to work on him by saying "I've always wanted to work with Will, to play the game with him, and in fact I EVEN COVERED WILLS ASS ONCE OR TWICE.  Adam jumps all over that remark pointing out to Will that Zeke just said he has been carrying his baby ass.  Zeke "no, he helped me, I helped him".  

David points out the "resume" builder thing.  That Will wants to make a move for his jury resume.  This vote would give him cred with the jury.  

Brett tells Will that they are just building him up to drop him next vote.  Will doesn't feel like he has an equal say in things with the 5 he is aligned with.  Hannah points out that his original 5 are just fluffing him up tonight.  

Jay says, DUDE, DO WHAT YOU WANT TONIGHT.  FOLLOW YOUR GUT.  Will says Jay is the onliest one who gives him respect.  

Time to vote!  

Adam pulls his idol out of his dirty crotch and hands it to Jeff.  Niiiiice.  He plays it for Hannah.  Hannah gets 4 votes but is safe and Zeke is voted out.  Ding Dong!!!  And in the end, although Adam did vote for Zeke, can this really be considered a big adult move??  I mean, without his vote Zeke was still going home.  And should big votes really be so freaking messy and public?  Time will tell.....

Lol, Christ I missed a week or two, they throw in a 2 hour double elimination show and now I'm so freaking far behind I can't sleep at night!  Let's see if we can do a summary of the last 3 shows and all get caught up!

One interesting thing with this season is, with the exception of Yummy Ken, all of the beautiful, strong and cool people have been voted off leaving us with a bunch of nerdy kids and adults that you would find working as a night Manager at your local Walmart.  I believe last time I did an update Taylor followed his squeeze out the door for being an arrogant asshole about stealing and eating food.  

So in the following episode, Chris sees Jess as his main target and wants to "hit her before she hits me".  He's kind of an angry asshole.  Hannah, along with most of us, has the hots for Ken.  Little Will is starting to feel like he's not being treated like an adult.  He's mad that Zeke didn't tell him about the Taylor vote.  Zeke is a little manipulator.  Will tries to suck up to him by telling him that Jay has an idol, but DON'T TELL ANYONE!!!.  That piece of news spreads so fast I'm surprised the last whisper down the lane doesn't have Jay with 3 idols and a gun.  

The challenge is some swimming thing.  I don't remember and my notes say, "swimming thing".  Pathetic David goes all "oh I'll step out of the challenge because I don't want anyone losing pizza and beer on my account".   Everyone OF COURSE tells him to stay in, be a man, they want him to compete, blah blah blah.  David has another cry and says "I'll never forget you guys".  Jay ends up not competing.  Ok, so some of you are probably saying, WHAT ABOUT JAY, HE'S HOT!  Meh.  Not in my book where manly men are hot.  

So the challenge is some swim to a raft, pull yourself up, get a key, unlock a puzzle.  This one is a color block one and not some decipher the latest bullshit piece of pop psychology Jeff is spouting this week.  Zeke, Adam, Hannah, Sunday and Brett win and get to eat right off of the Survivor beach.  They also get letters from home and Adam, who is really a BAD crier is all crying because, say it with me people, his mom has cancer.  God, I prefer the old days when people had to lie about their dead grandmother and we could leave the human suffering and tragedies out of reality tv.  

Back on the beach Yummy Ken and David are sitting around.  Seriously, couldn't David have been allowed to bring his meds as his "personal item"?  Remember when they made a big deal about their ONE personal item?  I swear they get to bring whatever they want this time around.  Anywhoo. Ken tries to make nice to David telling him "Dude, what you're doing everyone respects".  David talks about his fear of life and fear of death.  WHATEVER.  He tells Ken he's all about a final 3 with him.  He expresses his concern with Chris/Brett and  Sunday and wants to vote for Chris.  Ken doesn't trust Zeke.  

Immunity Challenge:  They have to balance on a perch and hold a little statue with a stick of wood.  DAVID WINS IMMUNITY.  So more psychobabble.  "I need to tamp down that voice that says I can't and listen to the one that says I can".  I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.......

Back at camp and no one is talking to Jay.  Chris wants it to be Jess but he wants to make Jay play his idol.  Zeke believes he has masterminded the Gen X civil war and he has the power to pit them against each other.  David tells Jess she's on the block.  Jess, Adam, Ken and David want Chris to go.  Hannah and Zeke and their ilk think they are blindsiding Jay.  Zeke "the is next vote is amassing the soldiers I need to march my army down the field".  

Tribal

Lots of bullshit on this one.  David talks about voting blocs coming together to eliminate a single threat or splinter into multiple targets.  Zeke doesn't believe in no stinking voting blocs.  Hannah calls them "trust clusters" and Jeff wets himself over the catchy term.  Hannah also wets herself that Jeff thinks something she said is cool.  He is soooo gonna sleep with her once she gets voted off and is in her Ponderosa hut.  Brett mumbles something in Bostoneese about getting rid of people you don't trust but Chris says it shouldn't be about trust tonight.  

Adam: There is a cold war brewing and WINTER IS COMING....And Chris is blindsided, thereby once again I lose a Survivor Pool.  

BUT WAIT THERE'S ANOTHER EPISODE!!  Remember when the night before Thanksgiving was all about a rehash?  Now they assume people who watch Survivor are too old to do that "meet everyone you went to high school with at your childhood home local bar to drink and hook up" pre turkey day thing.  

Clearly I was pre-holiday drinking at this point because my notes are getting worse.  Ok, so Jess says that sending Chris home solidifies everything.  Zeke apologizes to Brett for leaving him out f the loop but Brett says he thinks it was good because Chris  would have won.  Zeke says that Brett wants to work together which is good because he wants everyone to come together to defeat David.  Zeke is kind of getting obsessed with David going. 

Next morning David watches the sun rise with Brett and Sunday.  They discuss voting Jay out but David points out that Zeke is currently pulling the strings and should go but newly aligned Brett doesn't like that.  Brett tells Zeke and they discuss getting rid of him but that David has an idol.  

Zeke talks to Adam and Hannah about getting rid of David.  Hannah thinks that Will and Jay are bigger threats than David.  Hannah finds herself in the middle.  

Challenge: slither through sand with hands and feet tied together, then do a snake puzzle.  3 teams of 3.  David, Zeke, Brett and Sunday win a picnic and a helicopter ride.  At reward, both Brett and Zeke buddy up and decide to use each other.  Sunday joins them and they discuss taking out David.  

Returning to camp Hannah tells David that she's in the middle with him and Zeke but she's playing with him.  She tells him they all know about his idol.  He starts to hyperventilate but she tells him to suck it up.  

Immunity Challenge:  they are behind a locked door and have to maneuver the key blindly through a maze to unlock themselves.  It's basically a Jay blowout.  

Back at camp it's a scramble and appears to be a 5-5 tie.  Zeke decide to vote for Hannah in case David plays his idol.  

Tribal

It kind of breaks down pretty fast with Hannah talking to Adam, and Zeke and Brett asking David if he's going to have an anxiety attack or cry tonight.  Everyone is freaking out and suggesting alternate votes during tribal.  

Time to vote

Jeff asks about an idol and David plays his.  Before he says it's for Hannah, Adam says "wait, they are going to Ken", so David plays it for Ken who gets 0 votes.  It's a Hannah-Zeke tie.  They go for the tie breaker which comes out again tied.  They are given the option to unanimously chose between Zeke or Hannah or draw rocks.  They draw rocks and Jess is shocked to be the next person sent to Ponderosa.  She passes her legacy idol to Ken.  

And now I need to take a break!  Last week's update will be out this afternoon.  

Survivor Update: Hell YES I ate your food

Hello!

I am sure you will all forgive me for forgoing my update last week.  I was lounging with my head in the oven and couldn't manage a funny update.

So what we missed were Zeke and David bonding, which was all over the previews anyway,  and Jay deciding he needed to do a BIG MOVE and take out Michaela before the merge because "she's a closer".  It's actually worth watching Michaela's reaction to being blindsided.  Hannah was totally left in the dark and is unhappy.

She's still unhappy this week.  Knows she's on the bottom and that Jay the cool BMOC thinks she's an idiot.  Never underestimate what a nerd feeling like an idiot can do for revenge.  

It's merge day!  Woop Woop! I am particularly happy because I can't stand trying to remember these tribe names and who is on what tribe.  So y'all have 5 minutes to gather your stuff and then go to Vanua and inhabit their beach as one tribe WITH FOOD AND WINE.  

Everyone is assuming they have their original alliance and the new people they met at summer camp.  Not everyone will be right in this assumption.  Bret is already seeing his new best friends hanging out once again at the cool kids table.  Bret and Chris realize they need their originals back.  

The nerds aka Hannah, Adam and Zeke are back together and sharing "intel".  Because that's what the smart people do.  They realize that Jay is the power core and is "very enchanting".  Zeke is particularly disgusted with the bro-lliance going on. 

Adam is smart enough as well to realize that there is usually a merge idol.  He goes out looking, and because they are hidden by freaking MORONS, finds one over tree mail.  It's not an idol but a NEW ADVANTAGE that allows the holder to steal an award already won right out of the winners hands.  Call me crazy but I believe this should be called the suicide advantage because it is going to lead to a world of bad feelings.  

Later that night, Taylor decides to raid the food basket and fills a giant mason jar (because he's good with jars) with dried bananas and other treats.  Bret wakes up because he's making so much noise, sees him doing it and rolls over.  Adam also sees him do it and scamper off to munch.  He joins Taylor and absurdly thinks this is some great bond they now have because he assumes Taylor would be too worried about people knowing he stole food and cower.  Adam doesn't understand how these assholes work where nothing embarrasses them or makes them feel in any way other than superior.  Adam goes on to point out to Taylor that Will is now Jay's right hand man and Taylor has been usurped.  I've always wanted to write a nice long paragraph like this and include the word usurp and now I'm wondering how many of you are actually still reading.   

Taylor is all, munching and probably thinking of Figgy's sexy stank breath, says, "what about Will?"  Adam I believe thinks bringing this info to Taylor will absolve him from voting out his woman.  Taylor isn't in any way buying it but Adam is so stupid he thinks he needs to add a special touch of stupid by confiding that he has this special advantage to prove his seriousness.  Basically Taylor's response is to burp dried banana and decide to vote off Adam.  

The next morning people notice food is missing.  Bret just flat out says it was Taylor.  People are mildly annoyed at Taylor but, hey, he's a pretty boy!  Everyone seems to be all on board to get rid of Taylor but as David says, "it's waaaaaay too early for that shit to stick".  

Taylor heads over to Jay and tells him that Adam wants Will out.  Jay is all WTF is with your people?  Taylor says, yea, he tells me he is now your right hand man.  Jay UNSURPRISINGLY says, how about we vote off Adam??

Fortunately, Zeke overhears.  He realizes Adam is a dumb fuck and worries if he is going to ruin the nerd alliance.  

Individual Immunity Challenge!!  It's supposedly a tougher take on a trademarked SURVIVOR CLASSIC.  Balance on a perch with your hands shackled overhead to a bucket.  Move and the bucket dumps water all over you and the bed at the Pottstown Motel 6.  

7 people are out after 20 minutes (Sunday, Chris, Bret, Jay, Zeke, Ken and Hannah who admitted to pain everywhere).  Within the next 40 minutes Michelle, Taylor, David and Adam drop leaving Jessica and Will who go at it for an hour and a half until Jessica drops leaving high school student Will as the winner of individual immunity.  

And now it's scramble time.  Taylor announces to the other Millennials that it's Adam.  Michelle thinks that's ridiculous and it's a personal rather than strategic move.  

Zeke tells Adam that Taylor told Jay basically everything he said, and Adam is like "so that's why Will worked so hard!"  He also pointed out that he was "playing to hard".  Zeke wonders if there is any chance to blindside Taylor.  He talks to the Xers who ponder whether it should be Jay/Taylor or Michelle and endlessly ponder who among them might have an idol.  Zeke worries he may need plan B since they can't make up their minds.  

Adam talks to his new buddy Taylor and says that Jay won't even look him in the eye.  Taylor basically says it's too late, man. It's 100% gonna be a revenge vote for Figgy because he "has his big boys back".  

Hannah pulls Adam aside and tells his to JUST STOP MAKING THINGS WORSE.  She says his problem has always been that he wanted to sit at the cool kids table.  

Adam debates whether or not to use his idol, because he's mainly afraid of using it when he doesn't have to and looking like a chump.

Tribal

Jeff asks David what the differences are between the Ms and the X's.  David says the Ms eat more.  

Taylor is all YUP I DID EAT THE FOOD.  He's all laughing and arrogant about it. Says he was hungry and it was a medical emergency

Chris points out that is's selfishness not game play

Taylor still doesn't get it and is all "Rock on dude, you people gotta CHILL.  

Adam moves on to the idea of loyalties shifting after summer camp.  They are not just M or X but other loyalties have been built up

David says it's not about people I trust vs people you trust

Jay's all "loyalty, YUP"

Jeff points out that everyone so far has said that right before their torch is snuffed.  

Will agrees that there is an objective with this vote but not everyone has the same objective. 

I really think someone is feeding them these platitudes.  

Jay: LINES WILL BE DRAWN TONIGHT

Michelle: TRUST WILL BE BROKEN AND REBUILT

Taylor:  DUUUUUDE, WORRYING DOESN'T MATTER and he looks at Adam who says, it's terrifying.

Time to vote and decide if you want to use your idol!  Nope?  Let's tally the votes, shall we?

Adam 4

Michelle 7

And if was FREAKING WORTH WATCHING just to see Jay's pretty boy stunned face.  

Survivor: Some Kind of MANCE Going On.

Good Tuesday to all!  Hope you all had a GREAT Halloween!  And if any of our studly men dressed as shirtless Ken for the holiday, PLEASE share your pics!!  He is just freaking yummy good. 

Am I the only one still with repressed high school feelings that brings out the visceral hatred of the "couple" of Figgy and Taylor?  Or did everyone else have to live through high school watching a perfect couple command undeserved attention simply because they had a partner when everyone else was just trying to get through the day?  LOL, so this week was DEEEEELISH.  

I actually looked up what the tribe names were this week.  We have Ikabula consisting of Hanna, Michaela, Jay, Will and Boston Brett.  Takali with the POWER COUPLE, Figgy and Taylor, Adam, Jessica and Shirtless Ken.  Vanua now has David and Chris, along with Zeke and Michele.  

All is happy at the Vanua tribe now that CiCi was voted out.  Zeke is thrilled and thinks the Xrs were silly to send their own home on the only tribe that they had the numbers.  He is now a REBORN player.  I still shake my head at anyone who chooses to go down the Survivor path with David as an alliance.  

Ikabala is hangry.  And hungry for idols.  Jay and Will go out looking for idols and find a strange stick with a tribe logo on it.  Jay breaks it open and finds the idol JUST AS MICHAELA comes round the bend.  Bad timing!  She's keeping quiet for now but if she gets wind of something going down, she's snitching.  

Challenge:  Figgy claps to see CeCe is gone because "I LOVE MICHELE!!!"  Oh, and um, you too Zeke.  Is that your name, Zeke?  Jeff points it out and Michele says the truth works really well on Survivor.  

It's the old blind being led by callers on platforms.  This time they are looking for 4 packets of puzzle pieces and the puzzle will be done while blindfolded as well.  Brett and Hannah sit it out. Wanna know?  They're playing for SUGAR HIGH!  Pie and Cookies and Brownies and Ice Tea and Milk!!  Second place just gets chocolate chip cookies.  

 David is SURPRISE awful, unable to tell his left from his right while blindfolded. Figgy, Jay and Michelle are the callers.  It's about what you would expect except the added drama of Hanna having a panic attack just watching.  They bring in Medical Bob who gets her to stop taking fast breaths, and her arms and hands stop cramping.  Hannah discusses with Jeff that she is prone to panic attacks.  He kinda tells her she's brave for coming out knowing she has them.  

Takali is the first back with all of their puzzle pieces but Vanilla comes from behind and wins.  Ikabana comes in second and Takoli gets nothing.  Figgy has the sads but I'm sure Taylor will like them away with his stinky, coated furry tongue.  

Back at camp Zeke is still stewing about Michelle's reception from Figgy.  He thinks it was a big mistake on Figgy's part and he now wants Michelle to go.  

On Takoli, the romance is brewing.  They even keep referring to themselves as a POWER COUPLE, just like I am SURE those king and queens of high school called themselves every night when they talked over their princess phones, conspiring to have THEIR favorite song be the prom theme.  

Taylor wants to keep sucking face at the lockers in the morning and lunchtime, so he talks Figgy into telling Jessica and Shirtless Ken that they are indeed a couple.  Both pretend to be shocked for about 3 seconds before acknowledging they were well aware of it.  Shirtless Ken:  These kids think this is a vacation.  It's not as cool as they think it is.  

Immunity Challenge

Race to the beach over balance beams, untie 6 bags with coconuts  but also with balls.  Use the 3 balls for a table maze,  

At first David doesn't suck but when heavy lifting of the coconut bags is required, he goes back to suckage.  Shirtless Ken falls off the balance beam but makes up the time hauling all of his nuts and balls (wink) up onto the beach at once.  

Doing the table maze are Figgy/Jessica, Michaela and Hannah, and Zeke/Michelle

I'm pretty surprised Hannah didn't have another panic attack, getting yelled at the whole time by Michaela.  DON'T EVEN MOVE.  But it works and Takali gets the big immunity idol.  

It's between the other 2 tribes and Michaela is offering advice to Zeke and Michelle.  They pull it out and get the second idol, leaving Figgy and Jessica with nothing.  

When asked why Michaela helped, she explains because she wants to keep the M numbers up.  "We have Millennials too" says Takali.  "You have the numbers.  If y'all can't figure out how to work together then you deserve to go home."

Adam feels like a double agent between the 2 couples.  Figgy, challenge loser that she is, says it has to be Ken.  Taylor agrees.  Adam leads them to think he agrees.  Taylor: "Maybe Adam is double crossing us".  hahahahaha, they really laugh that one up.  

Jessica talks to Adam.  He tells her the plan is Ken.  Jessica has shirtless Ken go TALK TO ADAM AND PROMISE HIM UNDYING SUPPORT.  Ken does, saying his has his back until the end.  He could totally have my entire backside until the end, frankly.  

Tribal

Ken admits there is an obvious 3-2 split.

Taylor is confident all of the Ms are gonna stick together and worship at the POWER COUPLE heels.

Figgy says it's not really all peachy in M land, as ADAM ONCE VOTED FOR ME but I barely remember it I've forgiven his so long ago.

Jeff says something about Figgy looking at Adam as equal to all other M's and everyone laughs.

Adam isn't sure it's a romance or a shomance but some kind of mance is going on.  

Jeff asks: R U in Luv?

Taylor says that's a stretch

Ken says how HILARIOUS it was when they announced it, letting everyone now they are ridiculous if they think they are fooling anyone.

Jeff says he's an ordained minister and offers to  marry them.  

Figgy says it would be a Survivor First

Taylor seems to consider it

Figgy says they aren't really concerned that it's out because they are just 2 people who vote together like Ken and Jess.  

Adam says there's a bit of a difference between the 2 relationships. 

Figgy is laughing and saying yea, man, suck it up it just happened but we are still totally strategic.  

Ken says the numbers could change any time

Adam admits to Jeff that he is in the middle of high school. 

Taylor says if Adam flips, come the merger they would just vote his ass out.  

Adam says tonight is about the future and he likes who he is voting out.  "Someone will go home upset and someone will stay upset"

Figgy and Taylor just keep holding hands and laughing.

Time to vote

 

Still hand holding and laughing but now Adam has a sly smile on his face.  Bye bye Figgy!  Sorry Taylor but she'll be sleeping with the crew in about 4 hours.