Survivor Week 2: He's a Creeper

Wow, what a full episode!  I'm digging this season. 

First up, Semhar is at redemption island.  She apparenty has abandonment issues...she raps about it... yea, it's annoying as hell.

Woody knows he needs to stop being a total nerd and man up.  Easier said than done I think.  Oz and Keith are getting pretty chummy. 

Coach has his alliance with Brandon, Sophie, Rick and Albert.  But he's got the hots for Edna.  She isn't in his alliance but he's "friends" with her.  Hmmm.  They discuss whether or not Christine has the idol.  Decide Christine and Stacey are too tight. 

Back to Woody, he's working it.  Cutting those coconuts, over and over.  Dude, learn a new trick!  He says his mommy wouldn't like him using a machete.  hahahahaha.  I got $10 he still lives with her. 

Ozzie goes idol hunting and bang, finds it.  He is gonna be a strong force in this game. 

OMG, so Brandon feels bad deceiving Coach about who his uncle is.  They go for a walk and Brandon does some scripture quoting, which frankly gets up my ASS, then he tells him who he really is.  Coach is floored.  "I don't want to be played again".  Coach decides to trust him for now.  And then they hold hands and pray.  For christ sake...

On red, the guys go fishing.  Oz and Keith are already in an alliance but they let Jim think it's all his idea.  FYI-Keith wears red underwear. You didn't really think I wasn't gonna comment on that, did you?  They decide to include Elyse and Whitney. 

Blue: Mikayla is a tough girl, who has no qualms stripping down to her underwear and getting shit done.  Brandon is all nuts about her.  Calls her Parvati, says she's using her seduction.  Seriously, I expect him to start beating himself to stop his penis from tingling. 

Christine is still looking for the idol, and freakishly she is the only one looking.  Finds the clue but can't decide if she should share it with anyone. 

Challenge time.  Jeff is in light blue.  The blue team arrives all eating pandara fruit, because the team that eats pandara stays together.  Uhuh, they really said this. 

Ok, it's a freaking may pole challenge.  Skip around and unwrap ribbons to get keys, unlock the tribe mates and move crates in a giant puzzle.  Wanna know what you're playing for?  Immunity, plus pillows and blankets. 

May pole, Woody is expectedly lame.  Dawn's lame too.  Blue goes into the puzzle with a big lead, and then blows it.  Red wins. 

Back at camp, Christine complains that the guys lost the challenge.  Bye bye Christine!  Coach wants a 3 way split, with their 6 voting for Christine and Stacey. 

Brandon wants Mikayla gone so his penis will stop swelling up.  He's gone to medical about it twice now.  Ok, they didn't actually show that.  Brandon tells coach she has to go or he can't be faithful to his wife.  Riiiiight, like Mikayla is just waiting to get a piece of that.  He's a total creeper and future sex offender, I am convinced.  What is it day 4??  He's running around trying to get everyone else to go with Mikayla. 

Christine and Stacey are freaking out, as is Mikayla.  Edna gives her some cover story about who they are voting for and Christine tells her flat out she's messing up her own lies.  Christine goes idol searching...

Coach is getting annoyed with Brandon.  But Brandon says, Mikayla, period.  Wow. 

Tribal Council: Yep, Dark blue.  He totally reads my blog.

Brandon says his first impression has been good. 
Coach says he thought his first impression wasn't that great.  And then BANG, he tells Jeff that he's heard Christine and Stacey are planning to vote out Mikayla.
What??  Stacey goes nuts. 
Christine says she doesn't want Mikayla to go. 
Mikayla says, I'm strong, I don't get this!
Stacey-I've never even talked to Coach! 
Christine: "from whom did you hear it, Mr. Honesty?"
Coach: Christine's been looking for the idol all day
Christine-obviously Coach is threatened by me.  He's hurt because he's a temporary player. 
Mikayla: Jeff, you haven't asked Christine and Stacey if they said they were voting for me.
They both deny it.
Brandon-Ahhhhhh, I can't lie, I'm the one who told Christine and Stacey to vote for Mikayla. 
Mikayla "welcome to survivor"
Albert: it's great when the truth finally comes out...

Time to vote.
Sophie, one vote. Edna, one vote, Stacey, 3 votes and the person vote off is Christine with 4. 

Survivor South Pacific-Week 1

It's BAAAAACCCCCCKKKKKKK. The Survivor Update is baaaaaaacccccckkkk!! How happy are we??

Survivor SOUTH PACIFIC...BALI HI. And, ooh, let's bring back contestants again!! Cue to Ozzie and Coach arriving in a helicopter, because they both have better agents this time around. They also apparently share a hairdresser. Coach is looking to "own the game with honor and integrity". YAWN. Oz needs to play with a new strategy.

Ok, and now the non-celebrity survivors are paddling in, fully dressed. Seriously?? I'd be wearing something I wanted to wear for 39 days over my bathing suit from the minute Mark Burnett called me to offer me the gig. So, who we got up first??

I think his name is Jim or John? I've changed it twice in my notes. He wants to be called Cochran but NICKNAME ALERT I'm gonna just start right off calling him Woody because he is 100% doing a Woody Allen impression. Woody is a Survivor freak fan, who knows everything about Survivor. And, here's a question to ponder...if you were a little wimpy bit of a boy and you wanted to not exaggerate that, would you wear a PINK SHIRT AND A RED SWEATER VEST???

Ahhh, the Rancher, Rick. Is gonna be all hat and no cattle?? Says people should have been training for the show, like in making far (which I think is like fire) and stuff. If you ain't, you been spittin in the wind.

And, we get to meet Russell's nephew, Brandon. Who says being related to Russell is like being related to Hitler. Niiiiice.

OK, Come on into the redemption arena. 2 tribes one's red, one's blue. Jeff announces there are 2 returning players and the asian-ish chick says to Brandon, "God I hope it's not Russell" har har har. He's screwed because he has 2 tattoos that way Hanz and Little Hanz. Question: Why would anyone get a tattoo that says Little Hanz, unless it describes the situation south o'the border if you get my drift.

Oz is a total freaking rock star to these people. He comes running out of the helicopter while Coach struts his jeans and black dragon jacket. Christine starts right off bagging on coach for being the dragon slaya, says Oz and Coach are just temporary players.

Woody announces he has a buff collection at home.

Oz and Coach have to pick eggs with red or blue paint in them. Oz smashes his on his chest (and on Jeff's chest) while Coach breaks his and ooooh sooooo carefully looks pissed that he's gonna get paint on that dragon jacket.

DAMN, we're off with a first challenge, which is a Hero Challenge, and no they don't get to eat hoagies. Oz vs Coach have to do some climbing, digging and then...wait for it....PUZZLIN'. For some dumb ass reason, they have to retrieve a plastic turtle, carry it around and place it on the top of the finished puzzle. A turtle? I don't get it. Winning team gets Taro (which is potato but which I understand is very hard to cook), and flint.

It's OK until they get to the puzzle which poor Jeff has to tell them how to do like 3 times. I don't think Coach EVER gets the idea of moving pyramids across 3 tables so you never put a larger one on a smaller one. The tribes yell instructions, and Coaches team sucks at that too. Oz wins and Coach is mortified. "I got nothing for you, head on out". Edna (Asian-ish) stops and helps Coach while everyone else stalks away.

Red tribe gets to camp. Oz is the hero. We meet Semhar, who is a spoken word artist, aka unemployable. I, myself, am a much better written word artist. Anyway, Oz is totally into her and her banging breasts. "Let's not work, let's all go swimming!!" Uhuh, let's get naked. They all start to undress, but Woody, whose woody is probably a twiggy, is shy. Really?? You're a fan of the show and you didn't see this coming?? He says, this is the 90210 tribe and I'm one of the 0's.

Blue team. Coach-"I'm not a threat, I'm here to help you all". They go around and there is one girl who just graduated college...with a degree in Russian Economics. Must be Sophie? Although she's listed as a medical student online. Because there is no way you get a job with a degree in Russian Economics. Anyway, Coach starts talking to her in friggin russian.

This tribe decides to build shelter, and Coach is actually quite helpful. Christine says she's going to go look for firewood, but Coach and everyone else realize she's looking for an immunity idol.

The red tribe is still swimming. Jim says he's a high school teacher, but he's actually a professional poker player/medical marijuana dealer. Mark is older, he says he's into experiencing life and he just came out of the closet as a gay cop. He wants to be called Papa Bear, and who am I to argue??

So, when everyone is finally done pissing in the ocean they decide to build a fire. Dawn is worrying because they are not building shelter, which as Woody knows IS THE FIRST THING YOU NEED TO DO. She has 6 kids and is a control freak apparently. Skip to the next morning when Dawn's medications appear to be wearing off. That's the bitch about mother's little helpers. Mother gets addicted to them. She's crying, feels old, telling everyone she's really, sob, a strong, sob, person, who never, sob, cries. Jesus, it's day 1!! I'd haul off and smack her!! Oz talks her down and Papa Bear is supportive but he's like, chick we're the 2 old people, get a friggin grip.

They move on to thinking about shelter. Woody asks Elyse to show him how to open a coconut. I think it was Elyse. Anyway, I really thought he was gonna chop off a few fingers but he manages to get it open. He acts like he did the first time he took the derivative of a complicated equation. Oz is watching him and thinking he's not that physical. Woody wants to show he's a provider. Um, no. You are an opener.

Blue team: Brandon is fishing and catches his first fish. He wears his shirt at all times.

Immunity Challenge-Jeff is in sigh, Dark Blue.

It's an obstacle course, with a ziz zag, a wall, coconuts, hidden machete, and finally a basketball court. Funny, they don't yet seem to be pushing traditional South Pacific stuff down our throats yet.

They show the teams strategizing. Semhar volunteers to shoot coconuts. Cue the troubling music. Ok. It's an OK challenge, we get to see who can and can't pull themselves over a wall. Albert is freaking amazing. Woody has no upper body strength but at least he didn't cry and say his shoulder was dislocated when they pulled him over.

Basically, Semhar throws 3 coconuts and wants to quit. Sorry, no change ups. Mikayla is amazing. It's apparently very close but Blue wins immunity! They get immunity, fire and a clue to the idol (which of course everyone now knows there is one on each beach). Semhar says she feels kinda bad and Jim goes nuts on her. "KINDA BAD????"

On blue, everyone is looking for the idol. The pink dressed mortician, Stacy looks right at the clue and keeps walking. You'd think she'd notice the cameraman following her and stopping to shoot the inside of a tree.

On red, Semhar and Jim go at it. "Jim made us look weak for calling me out". LOL. Spoken word artist my ass. Dawn and Mark bond. She's worried her outbreak will lead to her being the first out. They both decide Semhar has to go.

In the water, Oz is arguing to keep Semhar's tits in the game. He ways it should be Woody since he's not athletic. Jim is worried that Oz is intent on keeping Semhar..."does he have an all girl alliance going on??" Oz tells Semhar, "if you want to stay you need to do some politicing". Jim tells Woody he might be on the chopping list and Woody basically hyperventilated about being first off. Yea, he's massively getting on my nerves.

Tribal Council. Fire=Life in this game, in case you have never heard Jeff (in DARK BLUE) say that a bazillion times.

Dawn, are people worried about being all alone at redemption? Shit, Jeff, I wasn't until you just brought it up. Today I lost everything familiar to me, I lost my confidence. I cried. But I'm fine now. Jim got me some good medical quality marijuana.

Elise:Semhar is concerned about her performance today.

Jim: I'm a competitor, I hate to lose, she sucked it.

Whitney: yep, I'm glad I stayed in the background all episode. Semhar pushed it.

Semhar: I stepped up.

Oz, What's better, the person with guts or the safe person? Jeff, definitely the person who tries, provided they have perky tits.

Dawn: Woody should be worried, he's weak.

Woody: I know I look weak but I flew through that net thing.

Papa Bear: He got confused at the wall. He needs direction.

Woody: DO NOT SAY IT'S TIME TO VOTE YET, JEFF. Semhar stands by the pot all day, I'm an eager student. I see it once and I learn. I opened a coconut! I will do whatever at camp.

Semhar: Woody, your problem is you are too mesmerized by the game...

Time to vote and the first person voted off Survivor South Pacific is a pretty unanimous Semhar. Who wrote a haiku on the way out.

Bachelorette: First Impressions

Ok, first of all the first 25 minutes were enough to send me to the bottle. 

"I never let myself go"

Repeat that over and over in as many different ways, and add in Chris Harrison saying, "So, would you say you never really let yourself go?" 

Her voice is so annoying!!  And, let's get all the cattiness out right off the bat.  I do not like her hair.  Do not like the color, do not like the bangs, do not like the falling down curls that look like a prom goer got ripped off.  She was much cuter last season, this season she's looking skankier. 

Oh shit, I forgot she was a Dentist AND a dancer.  So we have to watch an interpretive dance of being dumped by Brad.  Yea, it's that bad.

Ok, let's do a little coverage of some of the bachelors:

Ryan P is into green energy.  He owns a company.  Ready to get married.  I give him a 9.5, although he could crash and burn pretty damn fast.  Might have that too into her stalker thing going.

JP lives in NYC and does construction.  But I take it not in that hang from a structure and whistle at woman way.  He's big into his career.  Has a shaved head, and I'm not into him.

Ames.  He's the total overachiever.  In finance (do people still work in finance??) He went to Yale (but so did Bush...) has 2 masters (so do I BTW) and a PhD.  He apparently had richer parents than I did.  He's been to 70 countries....run 39 marathons...  Yep, he's annoying.

Ben C is a New Orleans laywer.  Wants to find lurve and rates himself as a 215 on the romance scale. Yes, that is why he is on the bach-ette looking for someone to grope on national TV.

Ben F is a 28 year old winemaker, which puts him on the top of my scale for that alone.   Ahhhh, 16 minutes into the show and we have our first dead body.  His Dad is dead.  He's intersted in a well rounded, cultural brunette.  Well, she is brunette...

Bentley-he's our drama for the season. He's from Utah and is a father of a child named after a drink Cozy.  Yes, her name is Cozy.  He's divorced and lives in a fucking big ass house.  He wants the bach-ette to be Emily. 

Ant'ny.  What can I say.  NJ butcher.  100% guido.  He will be showing up mowing the lawns on the Real Housewives of NJ next season.

West.  State prosecuter.  HOLY SHIT.  Minute 18 and we have a widow.  He was happily married for 7 years to a woman with epilepsy, WHO DROWNED IN THE FRIGGIN BATHTUB.  OK, dude, I gotta give you props for a story like that. 

William has a bad dating history.  7 or 8 women have left him and gotten married very quickly.  His dad is also dead (20 minute mark), but was an alcoholic.  William claims his watch mysteriously stopped at the same time as his Dad died.  Hmmmmm.  Were the watch batteries and his pacemaker batteries from the same package??

That's the first group and now Ashley and Chris talk again.  "I spent my time complaining to Brad...I never believed in Brad".  HONEY, HE WAS NOT THAT INTO YOU.  Move on. 

Ok, here comes the Bentley drama.  Apparently someone called her who knows his ex wife (or something) to tell her that Bentley is a total poser and is just on the show to promote his business.  She's gonna give him the benefit of the doubt but hopes he's ugly with one tooth. 

FYI-right about now I started playing the drinking game called "Amaaaaazing". 

Here come the limos.  So let me see who we didn't get to meet in the little video bios. 

Jon is an e-commerce executive.  "Can we go straight to the honeymoon"  then he carries her around.

Lucas is an oil field dude from texas.  He's a hugger.  Meh. 

Mickey is a chef who goes in for the kiss right away.

Tim is a New York liquor distributor.  He's a wierdo.

Ben talks french to her, which I think is wierd until I remember she is french canadian. 

Stephen is a hairstylist.  Uhuh, I'm thinking gay too.  He likes her new haircolor. Seriously, these men actually sat and watched the bachelor???  Right there you lost me.

Chris D is into sports marketing and he "raps" for her.  It wasn't as awful as it sounds. 

West is also a hugger.  He gives her a broken compass with the needle stuck on WEST, so in case she gets lost she will find her way to him. 

Ant'ny gets out of the limo and turns his back to her, adusts his hair and his suit before turning around to her.  They have absolutely no chemistry.

Rob is a technology exec.  He doesn't have any crowns in his teeth.  LOL.

Ames comes in not wearing a suit but a blue suitjacket and tan pants.  Very Yale meeting a woman beneath him I think. 

Matt is an "office supply salesperson".  LMAO, yes as in the easy button Staples employee.  He teaches her some fancy handshake. 

Jeff is an entreprenear.  In a mask.  And everytime he is on screen the creepy Phantom of the Opera music is playing.  He wants her to learn about him before she sees his face.  He looks kinda 5 o'clock shadow to me.  The other men are not digging it.

Ben F brings glasses and wine THAT IS AMAAAAAAZING.  Slurp.

Frank comes out and winks at her, kisses her hand and waltzes around with her.  Kinda creepy.  He's a college administrator.

Michael is also a technology salesman (I'm thinking cell phones).  "For the first time in my life I am excited to see a dentist"

Chris M is a canadian construction CEO.  Uhuh.  AKA a handyman.

Ryan M comes out with a camera and takes their pictures together.  He asks (not quite jokingly) if she thinks he can get a picure of himself with Chris Harrison.  Yes, awkward.

Nick is a personal trainer.  He reads her a poem which creeps me out.

Blake is the dentist.  But I'm not sure he tells her that.

Bentley gets out.....she seems smitten with him.

And finally, Constantine is a restaurant owner.  He wins the day by tying dental floss on her ring finger so she will remember him. 

And we're off to the drinking!  There is a first impression rose!! 

Ryan steals her right off the bat.  It's on.  He's soooo excited it is her!!  He has to tell her than and he gives her the big pitch.  "I want someone to share my life with".

I'm not sure who it is, maybe Ben F but he pulls his cell phone out and calls his mom so they can meet.  She's pretty funny tells them to remember 2 things: when they get the message to forgo their individual suites, remember your moms are watching and "always use protection". 

Ok, some dude comes in with a guitar and takes her outside.  But he loses me with his 3 piece suit as I hate vests (and yes that is a topic that has been discussed in my house for years).  She says, "do you really play?"  and he says no and throws the guitar into the pond. 

She asks the mask guy if he's here for a serious reason or just a nutjob.  And he gives her some bullshit about society judging everyone from the outside and he wants her to get to know him from the inside first. It's ridiculous. 

Tim the NY liquor distributor and our drunk for the night is "bugged" by the masked man.  He takes off his jacket like he's gonna fight him and then just drops the f-bomb a bunch of times. 

Chris brings in the rose.  Ooooooh.

While she's talking to 2 other dudes, Ben C the lawyer is standing behind them holding up cue cards saying hi and other cute stuff.  He grew up in London.

Tim is totally drunk.  "If Ashley doesn't fall in love with him she's crazy".  LOL.  Ashley tries to talk to him but he can't even talk he's so drunk.  It's kinda sad.  Next thing you see he's asleep snoring out in a gazeebo.  She takes some of the other guys outside to drag him out and put him in an awaiting car. 

The creepy masked dude is happy that Tim is gone. 

Finally, she sits down with Bentley.  The previews all showing him breaking her heart.  Or so they want you to think...He gives her the dad speech, and she likes the name drink Cozy for a kid.  "I'm in a healthy spot after the divorce (aka, I got the house) ...I wouldn't be here away from my daughter unless I was serious..."  Ashley is so damn stupid.  "he seems like everything I am looking for". 

Ryan P gets the first impression rose.  He's actually cute and the most openly personable. 

Bentley "even though I'm not attracted to her, I'm still competitive and I should have gotten that first impression rose..."  Oh yea, they are gonna do a job on him all season. 

Roses:
Ryan P
Jeff (masked creep)
Constantine
Ben F wine dude
Lucas
Stephen
Matt
Nick
Chris D
Ryan M
Blake
Mickey
Ben C
West
William
JP
Ames
and OF COURSE Bentley. 

Ant'ny is pissed off.  Jon is also upset.  "My family and I watched the entire last season together".  Uhuh, that's just weird for a man his age.

Survivor: Whole lot of backstabbing to come!

One more fabulous episode of this season's Survivor: The Resurrection of Christ. One more chance to see JEFF in his dark blue shirt, and one more oh my god so hot hot hot time at the Pottstown Motel 6!! And, thank you Jeff honey, for calling ahead last week and asking them for a clean bedspread. It's the little things that lets me know how much you care.


Ok. So basically there are still, what, 9 people who could win this thang?? They better get to hacking pretty quick tomorrow night.

Last week Andrea was blindsided. Like BANG blindsided. Ashley and Natalie are happy to be the last girls standing. Ashley wants a pact that they tell each other if they hear they are getting blindsided. Natalie says, uhuh, but then Rob asks her and she tells him she's with him all the way. He's getting nervous with only 7 days to prove to his wife that he is capable of winning Survivor too.

Andrea arrives at Resurrection Island. Note: is it really an island?? Because it seems like they all walk there. Hmmmmm. So, Matt isn't glad to see her. Because his bible tells him to keep your cheek turned against someone who does you wrong. They argue. You hate me...no you hate me....you threw me under the bus...no you threw me under the bus. Christ, just shag and get it over with. Time for sleep. Ralph tells her she has to sleep outside the tent. I believe he also tells her Rob used her like toilet paper and wiped his ass with her but he could have been saying, "Nice night".

Time for the Quadruel. Andrea boohooos that everyone lied to her. Yawn. FYI-Jeff is in light blue. Ahhhh, holy christ, it's a puzzle challenge. Do a table maze, smash something, do a puzzle. Whatever. Ralph kicks ASS. Andrea totally freaks out and Mike finishes his maze. Then Matt. Onto the puzzle, and Mike wins. Crap, Ralph loses the puzzle and is on the jury. OMG, what is he gonna look like all cleaned up??? Rob is done with the whole Resurrection Island thing. ME TOO, ROB. Jeff love it, so I expect it to return.

And, back at camp, the always present Rice Wars erupt. People want to eat, Ashley wants to conserve rice. Rob wants them to eat a little. Phillip goes all federal agent commando on the girls, saying the men need more calories than the women to beat whoever comes back from RI. Rob and Grant retire to the lanai to discuss getting rid of Ashley and breaking up the girls. Phillip is still in ranting mood. He points out that they never argue with Rob. "Because Rob is sane!!" OMG, DO NOT SAY THE WORD CRAZY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. The girls leave, calling Phillip PSYCHO on the way out. Hmnmmmm, Rob has to do some damage control. He's worried the girls are too close, and he's worried Phillip is getting too crazy.

Rob talks to Natalie and assures her she'll go to the end if she does what he tells her. Ashley is getting a little worried-Rob tells Natalie to keep her happy. Ashley thinks Rob would get rid of either she or Natalie to take Grant to the end, and wants something BIG to happen.

Ashley approaches Rob and tells him her plan to get rid of Grant, basically saying if Mike comes back, he and Grant would be too strong. "I figured you'd want Phillip gone". "I do, but I'm more interested in preserving you, me and Natalie." Rob thinks it over and doesn't like her plan. He tells Grant she wants him gone. They decide one of them has to win immunity. 'If Ashley doesn't win immunity, she's gone". Grant, Phillip and Rob get together and discuss Ashley's ride coming to an end. Natalie tells Rob, "it's gonna be hard to get rid of Ashley". Rob is even more paranoid about that duo. And, by that I mean TWO OF THEM.

Immunity Challenge. Jeff is in light blue. WOW, it's a puzzle challenge. Use fish hooks to make a fish puzzle, with one hand tied behind their back. Seriously, they need to hire some new challenge people, ones that don't work at Fisher Price. Wanna know what you're playing for? Immunity and a 3 course meal delivered to the camp.

Grant gets off to a big start, as do the other men. Digging their puzzle pieces up. The ladies are lagging. But Ashley kicks ass and pulls up to the boys. She then surpasses them and wins immunity. Who do you want to share the feast with? Natalie of course.

Back at camp, Ashley's happy but not Rob. "The thing I didn't want to happen, happens. Sorry Grant, you're done". Rob says he always has to do the dirty work, so he checks with Ashley and Natalie, yes Grant. He tells Phillip it's Grant, but that he's telling Grant it's Phillip. Then he goes to Grant and asks his opinion, which is meaningless. Grant goes on and on and on discussing the options before deciding on Natalie. Then he makes his swan song "When you look somebody in the eyes and shake their hand, you kind of get a vibe from that person and I get a good one from Rob. And we’re sticking to our alliance" .

I totally can't figure out how Rob is going to win by blindsiding everyone! Room service arrives and the ladies chow down on pizza, nachos, fettuccini alfredo, chocolate cake, cheesecake and ice cream. Seriously, you'd have to puke if that was the first thing you have eating in 30 days. Rob is worried about how close they are, as Ashley talks to Natalie about getting whoever comes back from Resurrection Island on their side. Natalie tells Rob, and admits she's wondering which way to go. Rob talks her off the ledge.
 
Tribal. About the only thing interesting is that JEFF IS IN DARK BLUE!! Otherwise, Grant is voted off the Island

Survivor: Religious Experience

Yo yo yo! Is anyone else thinking this season is gonna come down to a laser tag bout between Resurrection Island and Ometepe? God I hope not. And, apparently GOD is all over Survivor this season.

Ok, so Ralph arrives at Resurrection Island, tells them Steve isn't doing well and has lost 40 lbs. Then Steve arrives. He does look like shit. Soooooo, the Jury is all Zepetera (or whatever it was), so if any of them manage to get back in the game and make it to the final 3 or 4, they would have the jury on their side.

Andrea is happy it's Ometepe only, because, well frankly, she's an idiot. Natalie on the other hand cries, missing everyone. Per Rob, Natalie is mature beyond her years but is still only 19. Rob wants to keep everyone happy so they don't figure out it would be wise to get rid of him. Anyone else find themselves yelling at the tv-WHY DON'T YOU IDIOTS WONDER WHERE THE IDOL IS???" God, they are all ridiculously stupid.

Tree mail: it's a total product placement for SPRINT. And, the EPIC 4G SPRINT phone at that. It's an invite to resurrection island for the duel (or 4 people) and home videos. They all watch and get all emotional. They get a phone at Resurrection too. After trying to call Baby Jesus, they realize it's an incoming phone only, and they get home videos too.

Duel of 4. Jeff is resplendent in light blue. The winner of the duel gets to see there loved one. Oh, and it's yet another game of toss a ball and break a tile. Yea, I got up to get yet another drink and Mike had won. Steve lost, and I really think he intentionally lost to get a meal. Mike gets to see his mom Jane, who comes out. Or DOES HE GET TO SEE HER??? He has a choice. He can forgo his visit with him mom and give the family visits to Ralph and Matt,OR he can let the Ometepe remnants get to see their family members. Ooooooh. Drama. Mike say, "I was just reading the bible this morning and it talked about giving the most good to the most people, so I'll give the loved one visits to the people who freaking stabbed me in the back, in hopes that they might give me a vote".

Back at Resurrection, Ralph thinks he's an idiot. He ain't going along with this gods plan thing. (Note: Do starving people become more religious? Talk amongst yourselves).

Camp visit. Phillip tells his sister "it's a social game. I'll go crazy if I have to". Hmmmmm. Rob is all teary eyed at seeing his sister and says, "I have to win for my wife and kids". Wait, did he and Amber blow through that first million like trailer park lotto winners??

Tree mail: Immunity challenge. Rob "Andrea can't win tonight".

Challenge: it's a miserable build stadium steps thingy. Seriously, it looks like hell to me. Rob is dying but manages to win, whereupon he collapses and has leg cramps, needs water and is generally dying. Hmmmm, faking it?? I actually don't think so. He was really trying to kick Andrea's ass. Phillip wasn't even working it.

They all decide it's Andrea but they tell her it's Phillip. Phillip then runs around being a total asshole. He explains it's his strategy-to be the crazy villain so periodically he has to remind them all what an ahole he is so they keep him. He says he has his oral argument speech all ready. Rob, on the other hand, is starting to have second thoughts. Is Phillip playing me??

Tribal. Jeff my darling is in Dark Blue. He so reads my blog.

Andrea: are you concerned? No. I feel confident. LOL, famous last words.
Natalie-is it exciting to be just one tribe now? It's totally different and not really that much fun.
Andrea: You're very competitive, are you a threat?? HELLLOOOOO ANDREA, WAKE UP AND SMELL THE PROBSTING. No, we need a really strong tribe with someone coming back from Resurrection Island.
Phillip: Is it possible to make it to the end if you are truthful?? Hey, Jeff, shut your yap I got these people on the run. "I'm the senior statesman...no one fells secure".

Someone is about to be blindsided.
Vote.

Phillip gets one vote and Andrea is sent to Resurrection Island. Hope she's brushed up on her bible stories.

Survivor Update: And Now the Cannibalism Begins...

Yo! They are flinging people off at a fast clip! Redemption Island is getting crowded. I still say last man (or woman) left on Redemption comes back for the final vote.

So, Steve apologizes to Phillip after tribal. Phil ain't buying it. Rob "as long as Phillip keeps up the stupid antics, he'll be coming with me to the finale". Uhuh. Falling right into Phillip's trap...

Steve, the apologizer, asks "where's numb nuts" referring to Phillip. LOL. Love that expression,. Cue Phillip who is up and about in his pink panties, saying his grandfather came to him in a dream and told him to "look for your shorts near the waterhole". Damn if he doesn't find them! "Don't mess with the undercover specialist." He parades around camp. Steve: "Phillip is a crazy-freaking lunatic". Phillip can't WAIT to wear his swim trunks to the redemption challenge. I'd say, "and rub them in Julie's face" but that is just a nasty thought.

Redemption: Julie slept well. Mike thinks Matt is in a downward spiral since getting sent back to redemption. Matt: "I'm wasting away, I miss my family. God has me here for a reason. Sniff sniff, God has been carrying me....I'm over this game".

Matt, matt, matt. The name of this game is Survivor, not Savior. Let's leave the Lord out of reality TV, shall we??

Ok, so Jeff announces the Duel at redemption...it;s a duel with 3 people. Um, no. In fact a duel is a fight between 2 people honeybuns. You're cute as hell but really, not that smart. It would be a triul.

Dr. Jeff is all spiritual today. "Matt, where you at? Are you ready to go home?" Matt: I'm at peace. I think I'm ready to go home and do God's work." Don't let the cross hit you on the ass on the way out, dude.
It's a shuffleboard-off. Mike says he's a shuffleboard king, plays on a league at home. LOL. During the shuffleboard-off, Andrea gives him the look. Ya know the, "ok ok I voted you off twice but I'd still do ya" look. Matt ignores her. Ooooh, Snap!

Julie sucks at shuffleboard and, in fact, Mike is quite good at it, However Jesus gives Matt extra powers right when he needs it (wait, did Jesus pick Matt in the pool??) and he comes from behind to win. Julie is gone.

Back at camp, like, Andrea? Like she tooootally like thinks Matt?? Is like, mad at her? And, like, she feels kinda bad about it but, like really, it's just a game".

Rob and Grant chat. OK, Grant is totally flying under the radar and I cannot believe he is still there. He is gonna turn it on in the challenges pretty soon. Anyway, they both think Andrea should go first chance it comes up. But when...

Immunity challenge, and Dimples is in dark blue. Hot. The challenge is a log roll. Winner gets a chocolate cake and milk. Plus, THERE IS ANOTHER TWIST!.

Here's how it goes: 1) Grant beats Rob, 2) Ashley beats Andrea, 3) Ralph beats Steve surprisingly... and 4) Phillip beats Natalie
Round 2 Semi finals: Grant beats Ashely, Ralph beats Phillip. That sasquatch is a pretty good log roller, although that is what they do out there in the kountry on Saturday nights. Trust me on that one...

Finally....... Grant beats Ralph in a very close round. He gets to chose one person to eat cake with him. Chooses Rob. And, pick another one! He chooses Andrea to reel her in. Jeff gives Steve a package to bring to tribal.

Ooooh, what's the twist?? The package feels like a packet of cards...Andrea: "It would be silly to get rid of our own people". LOL. That cake sure worked on her. Sasquatch gives a 5 minute speech, of which I recognized about 3 words. Steve thinks he's going although he thinks Ralph is a bigger threat since he's still trying. He pushes this a little...

Rob talks to the other girls. He tells them it's Ralph first because Steve has given up, then Andrea. Steve tells the girls he and sasquatch are voting for Rob and if the girls join them they could flip the game. Of course they run back and tell Rob this who gets pissed and realizes that in fact Steve might be a bigger threat...has to change his plan perhaps... They are now all thinking there is going to be 2 votes tonight. Hence the multiple vote plans.

Tribal, dark blue darling.

Rob: Is it between Steve or Ralph? Yep
Steve: They're unbreakable, we've tried.
Andrea: Does Steve make a good point? Yes, I feel safe.
Ralph: Odds are you or Steve...Probably me.
Steve: Yep, probably Ralph, I'm lame...
Grant: Dude's not a quitter...
Phillip: Yep, he's not really that feeble...
Steve: Don't trust Rob people. It's now or never...remember Rob was a traitor in Survivor All Stars...
Jeff tells the story of Rob stabbing people in order to help Amber, his GF
Rob: That's hard to deny but, I still have a history with Amber today!
Steve: LET'S DO IT!!!

Vote. No idol played. Ralph is voted off, starts to leave without his torch for redemption.

And now the twist...You will now compete for another immunity and vote someone off immediately.

It's a card matching thing. Jeff does a series of cards and then asks for them back in order.

Rob wins immunity, and Steve is the next person sent to Redemption.