Survivor: TWO TIMES!!!

Good afternoon!  And might I point out it's only TUESDAY which means once again I am getting my homework done before the last minute!  LOL.  I'll do anything to keep from cleaning this house.  

So, Jeff has sold his soul to the Brazilian Devil, and her current besties and now has to kiss the asses of not just Abi but SAVAGE and Tasha.  Tasha tells Woo that it should have been Jeff and not PG.  She's still mad at his sweet whisperings at the challenge the other day.  She promises Woo that he isn't going anywhere.  Uhuh.  Maybe she should have checked with the  CRAZY ASS person in her 3 way alliance.  In fact, Abi freaks out just at the sight of Tasha talking to Woo after he WROTE HER NAME DOWN 2 TIMES.  Woo tells Abi he's sorry that he WROTE HER NAME DOWN 2 TIMES and she's all "it's personal now".  Sleep with one eye open and your hands on your balls, Woo!  

On that other show about happy Survivors, Jeremy is happy that he has an idol!  He tells Fish that they have to spend every minute looking for it.  Wants Fish to think he has a black friend in case he is ever running for office.  

Ok, back to the real show.  Savage is sad about how much their camp sucks.  It's a "Survivor Ghetto".  No, Andrew it's what Survivor used to be before everyone because sissy-fied and needed to be fed and provided water.  You don't see those little monkeys pissing and moaning do you?  You'll be back with your pretty wife in less than a month and these poor little monkeys will be eating larva out of each other's fur.  

Tree mail (which doesn't really come in a tree anymore), and apparently there is food in the reward challenge.  

COME ON IN GUYS AND SEE PG IS MISSING.  

This is a hero challenge, meaning one person gets to do the entire challenge and get the credit or the blame.  Have they ever done a hero challenge before??  Anyway,  run into the water, get a bean bag, run back out, use a board to flip the bag up into the net.  Do this 3 times.  Winning tribe gets a BBQ dinner with sausages.  Second place gets a lesser reward, that kind of looked like a wok and tofu to me.  Losing tribe gets nothing.  

Terry, Andrew and Jeremy do the challenge.  It's apparently hard to walk through the water to the platforms.  OOOOH, is that because there are sharks nipping at their heels???  No.  Just sand and water.  Dammit.  

Andrew pulls it out and it's a YUUUUUUUGE win for Ankor.  Which is not Ansor like I thought last week.  Ta Keo takes second place and Bayon comes in the loser.  

The ghetto is having themselves a BBQ tonight!  It's food!!!  And repeatedly saying to each other "WE ARE SOOOOO NOT GOING TO TRIBAL THIS WEEK"!!!

Ok, time for 30 seconds on Ta Keo.  Kass is working her social game this time around, as are most of these assholes. She's cutting the beads off of her bag and Wentworth is watching her, saying how she doesn't trust her because of the whole chaos thing, and how she's making a fake idol.  She walks over to see what she's doing and Kass shoo's her away.  Awwwww, and then Kass makes a little beaded thing and puts it in her little switch tribe box and gives Wentworth a late birthday gift.  

Ok, 30 seconds on Bayon.  Wiggles and Spencer are the 2 odd men out, so to speak.  Spencer decides to throw Wiggles under the bus, telling Monica that "people on the tribe own her".  She points out that they own him too.  Monica doesn't believe his and in fact is more in favor of "girl power" than before.  

Immunity Challenge.  It's the blindfolded, pairs looking for stuff challenge with a caller.  In this case they are looking for giant, heavy 3D PUZZLE PIECES.  So, you know how this always works.  People getting hit, falling down.  Varner drops a big puzzle piece on his little toe.  And I SWEAR Joe could see through his blindfold because he left his partner and just went all around picking up and carrying giant puzzle pieces.  So, everyone gets to the giant square puzzle and.....Ankor is totally clueless and literally leaning on the puzzle napping.  IT'S SODIUM PEOPLE!  THOSE SAUSAGES ARE JUST CHOCK FULL OF SODIUM.  THEY'RE DEADLY!!!  Even Jeff points out it's like they're waiting for everyone else to finish so they can go back home.  And, they come in last.  They are "spent".  Savage gives some "I played football and have never been so exhausted in my life" lameness.  

So, Ankor will be going back to Tribal.  Which is good for me since I have Woo in the pool and would prefer the final alternate, Savage.  I'm yelling at the TV, "Woooooooooo.   Woooooooooo".  Tasha thinks Abi is UNPREDICTABLE.  Oh so apparently that's what we're calling FUCKING CRAZY these days.  Tasha wants Varner to go because he is too much of an influence over Abi.  

Jeff knows it's him or Woo.  He points out repeatedly that he hasn't ever voted for Abi.  Abi tells Woo that Tasha and Savage make her feel comfortable.  He points out that they are using her and she's just a bitch with a grudge since Woo WROTE HER NAME DOWN 2 TIMES.  

Tasha tries to talk to Abi about getting Jeff out and keeping Woo, for challenges.  Especially since Varner is limping around with a broken little toe.  Abi is only interested in the fact that Woo WROTE HER NAME DOWN 2 TIMES.  It's really all about her and Woo not being "loyal" to her.  Jeff tries to work on her by telling her he misses his Abi time.  

Tribal

Varner comes walking in with a little cane.  He's bitching away and I SWEAR one of the producers throws a giant bug at him, hitting him in the temple.  It's pretty hilarious.  

Woo points out that with Varner injured, he's a stronger choice.

Abi says she still hasn't decided who to vote for but points out that Varner is LOYAL to her.

Savage thinks Woo is a stud at challenges which could get them to the merge but then he's flip and be dangerous to Savage and Tasha's old tribe.

Woo says "we are not merging yet!!!"

Andrew says "who knows??"

Varner points out again WOO VOTED FOR ABI TWICE.  He says he's loyal to Savage and Tasha and promises he will never write Abi's name down.  

Abi thinks that's a good pitch.  Basically she wants Woo to kiss her ass.  

Tasha points out they need strength to win, so it's loyalty and physical

Woo says he's willing to kiss any dirty ass put in front of him.  He points out that Varner still has links to the old tribe, bringing up the whispering incident.  

Varner says "one of us has PROVEN loyalty".  He also says, CAN WE FRIGGIN VOTE ALREADY???

They vote.  Woo goes first and the little bitch has to say "make sure you don't vote Abi".  

It's one vote for Woo and 3 for Varner.  Who hugs Abi and calls her "you little bitch".  

Probst, who is contractually obligated to have the last word mumbles some shit about sometimes tribal makes you stronger.

Survivor Wet Ansor.

Ok, I got things to do so let's bang through this!

Spencer is promising to change, Terry is on the TOP OF THE WORLD because he's NAILED that whole social game thing in one episode.  Varner is all thrilled to be without Shirin because "we're now a great close tribe".  Kass is loving the tribe of loooooove she's on.  

So of course, it's DROP YOUR BUFF TIME!  How come none of these skinny bitches is wearing the buff as a tube top when it's time to drop em?  And in an ADDED surprise, there will be 3 tribes, one starting over with nothing.  It's a random draw in adorable little boxes, which PG will probably run around stealing and hiding from Abi.  The 3 tribes RANDOMLY each have 4 people from an original tribe and 2 others.  So obviously the others are toast.  UNLESS......

The new tribe that starts with a B has Monica, Jeremy, Fish and Kimmie with the addition of Spencer and Wiggles.  The Ta whatever tribe has Keith, Kass, Joe and Sierra with the addition of Terry and Wentworth.  The shitty deal tribe, named Ansor (as in you are gonna be wet ansor tonight) has Woo, Varner, PG and Abi, plus Tasha and Savage.

And there are bats.

So immediately Woo and Varner pull their dicks out and find they are shorter than Savages, so they're all against him.  Tasha and Savage scheme about what to promise people to save their asses.  

Basically, all the drama happens on the Ansor tribe this week, so I'm gonna blow through the other tribes fast.

Sierra and Kass are happy, they have the numbers.  Wentworth is throwing Terry under the bus saying he spent a lot of time looking for an idol.  Fish is happy he's not on Camp Macho anymore.  Spencer is going all sensitive side by sharing with Jeremy that he's never said I love you back to his girlfriend, even after sex.  Jeremy's all fur realz?  He thinks now Spencer is a stand up guy because he manages to get sex without giving up the L word.  

Fish is still obsessing with the idol.  He suggests all 4 of them spend all the time looking for it.  Jeremy finds the clue.  

It's raining and the Ansor tribe is all huddled in their non shelter, with Abi sandwiched in the middle.  PG says "you're dry!"  and Abi goes all psycho on her.  "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY PG?????"  And with that, Tasha sees her opening.  She promises the ever flipping Abi that their tribe is strong and they'll pull her in with them.  And frankly, Abi has shit all over her original tribe so why not!

Tasha also talks to Varner about needing them at the merge.  He's not buying it because those 2 at the bottom are running around making everyone promises.  

Challenge.  It's a cart, with an obstacle course, with keys, with trunks and TA DA a big ol puzzle.  Apparently it's from the season with Tasha, Spencer and Kass so ONE OF THEM WILL AGAIN LOSE THIS CHALLENGE.  Blah blah blah, it's a challenge.  Jeremy snags the idol from one of the crates.  The T team comes in first, the B team comes in second and it's back to Ansor for more drama.

And speaking of drama, Varner gets caught whispering something to Wiggles I believe and Tasha goes all WE HAVE A RAT!!!!!  Jeff figures he's pretty  much done after that, although why his original 4 would be upset that he tried to talk to one of his original other partners still doesn't make sense.  Somehow Savage starts promising everyone deals.  Woo and Savage go for water with PG and Savage tells them Varner is scrambling to get one of them out to save his ass.  He wants them to trust him and vote Varner.  Tasha and Abi talk and Abi wants PG gone.  PG and Woo talk to Abi who tells them Tasha and Savage want them to vote for Jeff, and she's voting with them.  PG then wants Abi gone.  Savage and Tasha are like, "how easy was that??"  Varner wakes up from a nap of doom to find out that he's not really on the chopping block anymore as it's a showdown between Abi and PG.  

Tribal:

Savage is still "dude, it was so hard to process that this game has twists and turns in it"

PG says yes, Jeff, in a normal non Abi world Savage and Tasha should be in trouble.  

Varner tells Jeff that Savage and Tasha has been making deals with everyone, which is a surprise to clueless Woo

Varner also explains his meltdown and lack of sleep and sending a message to someone he cares about.  

Tasha says it was cross communication and he should be taken out now.

Varner says apparently people can recover from things.  He says he's heard other names like PG and Abi thrown around.  

Abi says the original 4 are not all together anymore and it could be her.  

PG says she wants to be with people she trusts, and that she's loyal.  Unlike that back stabbing Brazilian who is fucking crazy!

Abi basically says SAME.

Varner says he has no idea what's going to happen because Savage and Tasha are in charge of the vote.  

And with that.....it's time to vote.  

Abi gets 2 votes and PG gets 4.  Woo is totally confused as usual.  But Abi turns to him and says "second time you write my name".  And then red lasers shout out of her eyes burning Woo into a pile of confused flesh.  

The End.  

Survivor Second Chances: Only Week 2???

Good beautiful Monday my fellow Survivor watchers!  Wait, if today is only Monday, why am I getting an update you ask?  Doesn't this bitch usually wait until the last minute on Wednesday?  Indeed.  So enjoy it while you can, I'm buying good will for those times when the dogs are gonna eat my homework.

Holy cow is this season moving at lightening speed?  It's adapt or be killed apparently.  And, do we all LOVE JEFF VARNER???  I gotta say he is my new favorite Survivor, with his ripped man sleeves.  I almost want to go back and see him in his original season, but I gotta say this wine has gotten much better with age.  

So, apparently I was right that Ta Keo never got fire started, which is pure bullshit with the number of old timers on this tribe.  Seriously Probst, NO MORE GIVING OUT FLINT!!!  They immediately got their fire started upon return to camp.  Lots of other things blazing too but we'll get there.  

Kelly Wigglesworth is pretty clueless this time around, I gotta say.  I don't think she has a clue what happened.  She says the old schoolers need to "defend" themselves.  She's amazingly muted going along but is that strategy??  Hmmmmm.  

Kelley with an E finally gets to read her idol note, and is all giddy.  She buries it under about half an inch of weeds, which once again proves to me THAT THERE ARE FENCES AROUND THE CAMPS AND NO ANIMALS GET IN, with the exception of the ones the producers throw over the fence.  GOD I would love to see one of those little monkey things wearing her idol necklace!!  

Spencer can't count obviously.  He thinks the vote randomly happened because they didn't have time to plan.  Let's decide now who goes out.  Jeff strings him along saying he's loyal and they are 5 strong.  Jeff apparently pulled this shenanigans to teach the old schoolers a lesson.  He wants to get rid of Shirin and Spencer, as would anyone who were on the receiving end of all that tactical analysis Shirin have him.  

Jeff talks to Terry-It's a new game.  I wanted you guys to get off of your ass and play.  He assures Terry that he is going with them ultimately.  Terry is like, holy crap that's what a 2x4 upside the head feels like!  Jeff, who did I mention I LOVE, looks around after their talk for the "spy shack".  

Over on Bayon it's just Joe worship.  It's kind of like Magic Mike but better.  He whips a few hammocks out of his magical locks, and uses the fishing net to catch a pork loin roast, 5 chickens and veal parm.  He's the SURVIVOR MAGYVER.

Fish isn't a fan, and it's really hard for me to put my finger on it.  Oh right, BECAUSE FISH IS A TOTAL LOSER.  He thinks Joe should be kept around until merge time and then gotten rid of.  

Spencer asks Abi if she's OK.  She's riding the massive aggressive "OK" thing most husbands on this pool recognize as dangerous as hell.  She turns and goes all crazy on PG who was explaining show to make some kind of fire chimney. It's weird.  Spencer thinks she's a drama queen and a "permanent liability".  She loves to cause fights and walks up to Woo, Terry and Jeff and interrupts their conversation.  Jeff calls her the Brazilian soap opera.  But he is also loving her!  She's the perfect tool.  "She's so delicious who needs food???"

Andrew (Savage) tells the story of meeting his wife, a  beauty queen winner who was touring the world, stopped in to NY to visit his roommate, returned after a trip to San Francisco and married him 3 months later.  "She's my world".  

After telling his story, Jeremy gets upset and walks away because he is missing his wife, Val, who is pregnant.  

Kass says these people are so good and nice perhaps she will also become good and nice.  Yea, don't wait for it.  Fish, in his cluelessness asks if Jeremy is off looking for an idol.  This pisses Savage off because it tells him Fish is playing the game 24/7.  He finds Jeremy on the beach and they do some bro bonding, and discuss Fish and where his head is all the time.  Savage doesn't think Fish's time of the island will be long.  

Over on Ta whatever, it's evening and Shirin and PG are bitching it up about Abi, who moves out of the shadows and tells them they heard everything.  She and PG go at it for a bit, Shirin shrinks off.  Afterwards PG goes to the shelter and they all laugh it up about the fight and about Abi, who is on the beach crying.  Terry feels bad because no one is standing up for her and he goes down to the beach where we have a season changing moment of bonding between the 2 of them.  The "clicked" and Abi tells him she's open to working with him.  Terry says that Jeff lit a fire under his ass and made him understand the value of the social game.  

Next  morning, all in romantic sepia tone, Jeff is for some reason self flagellating himself with the sleeves of his shirt and Abi comes to him out of the mist as if in a dream.  The discuss how NICE Terry is, and Jeff tells her she is is fabulous, "your little moments turn me on".  Oh, I guess that explains the beating himself with the sleeves.  

Immunity Challenge.  Jeff almost forgets to take back the idol.  The challenge is a series of a frames that they have to climb over while carrying ropes, then use the ropes to pull boxes across track.  Inside the boxes?????  C'mon you knew they were gonna be puzzle pieces.  

Probst is all excited by the skinned hineys going down the A-frames.  God, could I tell y'all stories......  Ta-bow or whatever is ahead at the puzzle, they change people out a few times but ultimately Joe the Magnificent solves the puzzle before Shirin and Spencer.  Jeff is amused that Spencer and Shirin were the ones to lose the challenge.  

Back at camp, they're all weakly saying "oh yea, good effort, it was a team loss".  Spencer is totally glad he is in control of this game, unlike last time!  

Jeff wants one of them out.  Doesn't matter which one as they are 2 heads of the snake.  PG is cool with that, as she thinks they're both dangerous.   Basically everyone agrees.  

Shirin in her cluelessness approaches Abi to see if they are OK.  Um, that would be a "no".  She apologizes for the other night and Abi told her she wishes one of them had come to check on her but as it turns out Terry did.  And she's very loyal.....She then tells Shirin that Jeff and Kelley want them gone.  Shirin is all, "wait, but we are still together right??"  Abi's all, "no, that's not really my style".

Spencer and Shirin are losing it  She tells him Abi and Jeff are going with old school.  The rush up to Woo and dump on him that he's on the bottom and once they merge "you're done".  He's kind of appalled by this as it's the first conversation they ever had with him.  Shirin promises him any deal he wants and he says NO WAY.  

Spencer cries on his alone camera time because "Shirin is the one I wanted to play with".  

Tribal

Jeff says they are exhausted from the challenge.

Spencer says it's like they all had amnesia about how great Survivor is and the game actually sucks

Shirin says that she had a rough time on season one and now it's all happening again.  There's fighting, lost trust and I'm suddenly on the bottom again.

Kelley with an E tells Probst that Abi and PG had a fight.

Abi explains the situation and that "Terry was the only one to rescue me"

Probst points out to Shirin that the same thing happened last time.  He kind of lights into her and she admits she didn't "fix" her original mistakes.

Terry tells Probst that he was feeling on the bottom the other day and that he and Abi made a connection.  (Is this the freaking Bachelor???)  

Spencer admits he and Shirin are targets, and that they put too much effort into strategy and not enough in getting to know people, which YES JEFF PROBST is the same thing that happened last time around.  ARE YOU HAPPY NOW??

Spencer promises to be a better person if they spare him.  

Shirin just says "change is hard".  Because she frankly still doesn't see how freaking annoying she is.  

Time to vote!  Spencer gets 4 votes, Shirin 5 and thank you jesus she is gone.  

Ta Keo

Kelly Wigglesworth  Ron/Joanne

Woo Nancy/Elayne

Kelley Wentworth Caitlyn/Rachel

Spencer Susan W/Chris

Pei-Gee Jill/Eileen

Jeff Donna/Lori*

Abi-Maire Kelly/Jean

Terry Amy/Carolyn

Bayon

Kass Tess/Terry

Joe  Denise/Leslie

Keith John Stadnicar/Matt and Kevin

Kimmie  Lynne and Jaden/John and Donna

Stephen Cindy/Ginnie

Tasha Betty/Jeff

Monica Annemarie/Gail

Ciera Stacey/Liz**

Jeremy Alt3

Andrew Alt 4

Out

Vytas Donna/Lori*

Shirin Stacey/Liz**

Survivor: Second Changes, Week 1

Welcome to Cambodia, and to the first episode of this season's FULL THROTTLED Survivor.  20 people were selected by I have no freaking idea who, and they are all BALLS TO THE WALL, READY TO RUMBLE.  Seriously, I think the first 30 minutes of the episode were each of they describing how they are gonna play differently this time around (doubtful) and how they ARE IN IT FROM THE FIRST INSTANT!!!

Well, some of them are anyway,  as there was a drinking game in my house called "old school vs new school".  Fortunately I didn't have to go to work last Thursday because I was quite hammered, in an old school way.  Apparently, those from early seasons didn't immediately realize that they had created quite a few MONSTERS out there that believe the game begins FROM THE FIRST INSTANT.  These mostly younger people hit the beach, screw shelter and fire, and start to strategize!!  Hey Probst, how about you find 18 people who have never HEARD of Survivor and do a show where nobody has a PhD in Survivor Mayhem?  How refreshing would it be for contestants to NOT KNOW WHAT AN INDIVIDUAL IDOL IS, or that they are 100% of the time in the crook of a strangely shaped tree??  It would almost be up there with ACTUAL CREATIVITY in planning the new seasons!  

Ok.  So basically I'm skipping the first 30 minutes of blah blah blah.  Jeff clearly renegotiated an extra 30 minutes of dimple time.  So, Cambodia has lots of Temples. old men, cute little Cambodian boys, flies, and animals.  In fact, Temple is also a drinking game in my house.  (Shit, 4:00 pm is a drinking game in my house).

Jeff is on a big boat, and the two tribes are on little boats.  First challenge is to collect supplies off of the big boat, throw them to a raft (extra points for who ever almost hit Probst with the bundle of sticks), and then at one point take off to another boat which has a bag of rice.  First team to get the bag of rice, gets the bag of rice.  

Oh, the two tribes are NAMED AFTER TEMPLES (see how easy that drinking game is gonna be??):

Ta Keo: Kelly W, Woo, Kelley, Spencer, PG, Jeff, Abi Maria, Vytas, Shirin and Terry.

Bayon: Jeremy, Ciera, Andrew, Kimmi, Keith, Monica, Stephen, Kass, Joe and Tasha

Those are their names but Jeff uses nicknames for some of them which is too personal and annoying to me.  

Kelly Wigglesworth, the old gal, chooses to swim for the second boat after her tribe leaves.  After a while of rowing both Joe and Woo jump in to swim as well.  KW started swimming too soon and tires, while Woo reaches the rice bag.  So Ta Keo has rice.  

On Ta Keo the "old school" people start building up a shelter assuming that these spoiled kids will appreciate being warm and out of the rain.  LOL, they'll more likely bitch about the lack of air conditioning.  Meanwhile the kids walk all over the beach making alliances.  Terry, who Jeff calls Deitz, has realized that he needs to play more of a social game this time and not just be the CHALLENGE ANIMAL he is known for.  He slinks off with Spencer and tells him that his son told me to align with you.  Spencer is also trying to be more social this time and is having lots of "one on one conversations" with people.  

HEY,  WHO THE HELL VOTED TO BRING BACK THE BRAZILIAN DRAGON???  Abi Marie alternates from talking to the camera about her new laid back game, and stirring up shit.  She can't find her bracelet and runs all over the beach looking for her bag with her bracelet.  She's obsessed.  She is also a dead ringer in voice to Stella in Orange is the New Black.

Over on Bayon, they are all loving each other and are the "peaceful tribe".  LOL, as if that will ever last!  Keith says he isn't gonna do much different this time because he got to 4th, just tweak his game.  Jeremy approaches him right away to make sure they are OK.  I guess that's a remnant of their season together.  He wants an alliance with Tasha, Andrew (aka Savage), and he wants Joe.  He's not impressed with "Fish", aka Stephen.  

Savage tells Joe he has 2 girls, 17 and 15 who think he is "peeeeerfect".  LOL.  As does this 50 cough cough year old.  There's clearly an alpha male thing brewing and Joe can't decide if he should join it or not.  Stephen (Fishbach) is about as anti an alpha male as you can get.  He doesn't feel like he's fitting in with the manly men.  Um, perhaps you shouldn't have chosen a girly pink shirt??  Since nobody remembers him, he apparently was JT's sidekick on Season 18.  

Ta Keo: Vytas is working the women.  Shirin, who is probably not on his "work on" list thinks he's "Smarmy".  She wants to lock it all down in the first 30 seconds, in her manic way, and she approaches Spencer and Jeff, one of the clueless Old School people.  She basically analyzes the entire situation, points out who could be aligned with who, tells them what she has observed and suggests an alliance with them, Kelly W, and PG.  Jeff's head about whips off it's neck at the speed that she is going.  I think he just grabs his balls at that point and lets her have them.  

Abi is still looking for MY BRAAAAACELET.  IT'S LEATHER AND GOLD, WELL NOT REAL GOLD BUT IT HAS SPECIAL POWERS.  She goes through everyone's bag and "finds it" in PG's bag.  She doesn't want to say anything to anyone but runs around telling people where she found it and doing the "I don't know what to think" routine.  Not quite sure what PG's angle in stealing a bracelet would be but Abi is afraid it will bring out the BRAZILIAN DRAGON.  PG gets wind of it and tries to smooth things over.  Yea, good luck with that.  

Bayon is attempting to make fire.  OK,  I'm only gonna say this once.  WOULDN'T YOU HAVE SPENT EVERY DAY FROM YOUR LAST APPEARANCE TRYING TO MAKE FIRE?? I mean it would be like your "hey I was  on Survivor let me show you how to make fire from nothing" party trick, wouldn't it?  My husband would probably have to remove anything combustible from the damn house!  Joe gets the fire going because Joe is AMAZING.  Andrew AKA Savage has a big old man crush on him.  

And then there is this music after the commercial that's all ayyyayyyayyyya WHASSUP????  

It's AM, so time for Yoga.  I think it's Vytas on this beach.  Jeff and PG are in the water and Jeff is still like WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THIS GAME??  They're discussing the old/new school and the split between the shelter makers and the beach people.  He's not sure what is up.  

Shirin has decided it has to be Vytas, and PG wants Abi.  

Kelley, the blonde one, is looking for an idol.  Like EVERYONE ELSE SHOULD BE.  She finds one-oops, it's a clue.  The idol is hidden AT THE IMMUNITY CHALLENGE  and she has to decide whether or not to risk being seen taking it.  

They get treemail and, it's a repeat of the first challenge ever done on Season 1.  

Yoga time again.  Keith says " I have coffee to wake up instead of yoga, LIKE 99% OF REAL AMERICANS".  Actually it's not yoga, it's Joga because it's all about watching how flexible Joe is.  

Vytas is also teaching yoga but it's more of a hands all over you approach.  Shirin can't stand it.  Neither can Blonde Kelley.  Vytas approaches Abi and asks her "how is your body feeling".  She wisely runs for the beach.  

Immunity Challenge, and it's QUEST FOR FIRE.

Race to a raft, light a main torch, swim towards shore lighting torches, drag your raft to the stand (which exists mainly to house the idol), build a pole, get a key, unlock a lock and light a final torch.  Immunity and looks like more supplies to the victors.  Probably flint.  Did  miss Bayon even attempting to make fire??  Jeff reminds everyone that KW lost this one last time.  

So, blah blah, Keith dunks the torch and has a time relighting it, which gives Ta Keo a big lead.  They let Kelly Wigglesworth do the pole thing again, and they creatively edit Blonde Kelley repeatedly looking at the place where the idol is.  Like, she probably looked once but they repeated it about 10 times.  Bayon arrives and Joe the Man builds a nice, long, thick shaftlike pole. Sorry, I had to go there.  Joe's massive pole is able to reach the nether regions and he gets the key.  I bet he does, every time.  Anywhoo, they have the key.  Spencer tries to take over for KW but she left him with a limp short pole.  Bayon wins immunity!  

After Jeff points out to KW that 15 years later, same result, he tells them they are going immediately to Tribal.  Now there's a twist I can get excited about.  

I drank through the entire "fire is your life" shit.  

Spencer: There's an entirely new level of possible heartbreak given AMERICA VOTED US BACK.  Um, yea probably 200 people voted Spence.  

Woo points out the immediate split between old and new school (gulp)

Terry (Deitz) says that indeed it was an eye opener how this game has been screwed up totally.

PG says something about reassessing why you lost last time and making changes

Abi says that yes, due to her amazing growth she managed to get through 3 whole days and "an issue" without losing her shit.  

Vytas points out that Aras ultimately beat Terry.

KW says having no time to huddle was difficult.  Tribal has been a time to catch up.  

Jeff says that in fact people know what's going on.  A LOT of work has been going on in 3 days.  

Woo claims to not know.

Abi says that there is clearly a male thing going on

Vytas disagrees and says there is tribal unity not a male thing

Woo says part of the decision is how well you get along with people

Abi-"well I'm screwed"

KW says her gut is telling her, and there are a lot of clues going on

Jeff say he's done nothing but observe all the stuff going on, didn't even sleep.  

Probst asks if there's an elephant in the room?

Time to vote.  Hey, did anyone else ever wonder what would stop someone from looking through the clues in the basket??

Vytas gets 6 votes to Abi's 4 and is the first one out and as Probst says, "your second change can end at any moment".  

Survivor-Almost the End!

Ahhhh, and so we come to the finale of yet another season of Survivor.  Wasn't my favorite, to say the least.  And frankly the thought that I want Mike to win tells you how much I dislike so many of these people.

Shirin is now on the Jury.  I have to watch Ponderosa and see how annoying she is there.  We're down to Mike, Sierra, Carolyn, Boston Rod, Dan and.....wait, isn't there someone else?  Oh RIGHT, Will who I believe hasn't spoken in 35 days.  I cannot believe he is the same dude on that youtube video singing with his wife.  And speaking of wives, no loved one visits this season??  No disgusting food this season?  

Ok.  Mike realizes he needs an idol or immunity.  Dan hates Mike.  Thinks he is "arrogant and condescending" which is the pot calling the kettle black.  Carolyn is scrambling for options and looking towards Mike to hedge her bets.  She and Mike agree that Dan has to go.  She tells him what the advantage Dan has is. 

Challenge.  It's  obstacles, knots, a hatched, rope and......a word puzzle. Wanna know?  A helicopter ride followed by surf and turf.  Jeff has to point out that Rodney still hasn't won reward.  Jeff asks if he feels entitled to going on the reward and he AGAIN says something about his BIRT-DAY.  Jeff also points out that it's called a reward because you earn it and Mike suggests Rodney WIN ONE.  

Teams of 3 with Dan, Sierra and Rodney vs Carolyn, Mike and Will.  It comes down to the puzzle and no body can get it.  They basically look at letters for an hour until Jeff begins to give clues.  Sierra isn't listening to Jeff but Carolyn is.  "it's from the commercials.....order now....comes with everything...."  Carolyn figures it out and they win reward.  "This reward comes with all the fixins"  Rodney is a loser again.  Carolyn debates giving her spot to him.  Jeff points out it's maybe worth it for Rodney's jury vote BUT a full bellied Rodney might be stronger.  In the end she chooses not to give it to him.  

The helicopter ride is STUNNING.  And they eat.  Mike asks if they would consider these 3 as final 3.  Will says basically nope.  You are public enemy #1.  He then asks to not let Rodney beat him.  Mike isn't 100% sure about Carolyn.  

Rodney is upset.  SURF AND TURF IS MY FAVORITE THING IN THE WORLD, right after my BIRT DAY.  He says Carolyn is out after Mike.  

Dan finds a melon and they eat it.  It revives Rodney.  

Mike tries to sway Sierra, tells her "those 3 are not taking you with them to the finale".  Although she agrees she also thinks Mike has to go because he would win if he made it to the final 3.  

Immunity Challenge.  Grappling hooks, catch and drag 3 bags, use one bag on the table maze.  

LEZ DO IT.

Mike gets his balls first.  He gets a lead on the puzzle until Dan gets his balls.  Rodney keeps basically catching his foot with the hook.  Sierra also gets her balls.  It comes down to these 3.  Dan drops his ball.  "I SUCK AT LIFE".  It comes down to Sierra and Mike with balls in the inner circle, circling the drain......and MIKE. WINS.  IMMUNITY!!!  He says it feels like 4th of July in Texas!!  Which must be exciting what with all the morons shooting their many guns into the air.  

Dan says Carolyn is next up.  Will, Boston Rod and Sierra all say yep.  Although Sierra isn't totally sure.  Mike and Carolyn thinks Dan.  Mike thinks maybe he'll mess with them.  He talks to Dan and tells him that his alliance is all gunning for him.  Dan freaks out.  YOU HAVE THE UNMITIGATED GALL to tell me that???  I don't believe it.  Ok.  I gotta jump in here and say if you ever find yourself about to use the term UNMITIGATED GALL...just don't.  Please.  Nothing says asshole like that expression. Mike calls him uppity.  

Mike runs up to Sierra and Carolyn and tells them it's gonna be one of them.  He says, "look who is sleeping in the shelter".  Dan and Rodney.  "Apparently they feel that safe tonight.  Carolyn and Sierra thinks Mike is getting psycho.  Although Carolyn isn't too sure....

Tribal

Jeff asks some standard ass thing about trust.

Mike says there are some people not acting trustworthy or something.  He points out that he's the common enemy but tonight he is safe.

Rodney tries to answer the question but his brain, such as it is, is fried.  He says something about not even wanting to be near his mother 24/7 without wanting to kill her and I think once again he needs to move out of his mother's basement.

Carolyn says she wants to trust but at this point everyone is trying to save themselves.

Dan says Carolyn should be worried because she's proven herself but he also thinks he's on the chopping block

Will mentions something about the advantage Dan has

Sierra says there has been tons of talk about idols and the advantage.

Dan admits tonight might be a good time to use his advantage.....or maybe next week......

Time to vote.  Dan uses his extra vote to nail another one in Carolyn's coffin.  And then Carolyn plays the idol.  LOL!!!!!  You have gotta love surprise idols!  Carolyn gets 5 non counting votes and DAN IS ON THE JURY!!!!  

Enjoy tonight's finale!  Good luck to those of you still in it!  

Survivor Birt-Day Edition

Yea, yea, I missed last week.  It ain't like you are paying me to do this job. 

I get the sense this season will end this Sunday?  Or hopefully sometime soon?  The fact that I'm now thinking Texas Mike should win tells you all you need to know.  

So, week before last some shit happened, Dan got 2 votes at tribal and Shirin was sent to Ponderosa. 

Dan figures out Will and Tyler voted for him.  Seriously Dan, you are a bloated old man who is socially inept. You should have been voted out long ago.  

Tree mail- yada yada feed your soul.  Rodney thinks, no biggie, it's MY BIRT-DAY and everyone will want to take me on the reward challenge.  I have faith in these people.  LOL!!

It's 2 teams of 3, the black dude of course has to sit out and have no chance at eating.  Hell, he's lucky he's still there.  The challenge involves a may pole. a key, a ladder, some balls and a shooting thingy with baskets for the balls.  Team 1: Dan, Tyler and the Birt-day boy.  Team 2 is Mama C, Mike and Sierra.  Wanna know?  Our contract with the Nicaragua government says we have to give out bikes and shit to poor orphans BECAUSE OF SOCIALISM.  Or something.  And I got $20 says they picked through every orphanage in Nicaragua to find the attractive kids, and gave them new clothes that had to be returned.  Oh and FOOD.  BBQ.  Remember when they actually gave a shit about the host country and tried to get a little local culture in?  Yea, those days are long gone.  I haven't seen a fake tribal member yet.  

So, Rodney fucks up and forgets his balls and has to go back.  But it still gets tied.  Mike is shooting for his team and won't give it up when he sucks.  Dan is shooting for his gang.  Mike, Sierra and Carolyn win reward.  Rodney pitches a fit because IT'S MY BIRT-DAY.  MIke says, yea but I need food.  Carolyn is a no I am not giving up my reward, and Sierra says well, if it was an individual reward and we could chose maybe, but now?  Not so much.  

Rodney is epic mad.  IT'S MY BIRT-DAY....."BERGAZI"  (Ok, what the fuck does that mean??)  THEY TURNED ME INTO PSYCHO RODNEY

And then, orphans.  And food.  Carolyn says this is worth the beating we're gonna get.  "You're on Survivor for god sake, how bad could your BIRT-DAY be??  She also sees Mike as perhaps a new partner.  

Rodney is PISSED and is WASHING DISHES ON HIS BIRT-DAY.  Seriously dude, I have done a fucking lot worse on my BIRT-DAYS.  I just see him at home, still living in his parent's Boston basement being woken up every year by his mom with a fucking cake and candles.  

Tyler says he has to cool off  but Dan argues that there is no cooling off, this is the real Rodney.  

Rodney is PISSED AT MAMA C.  Because it's his BIRT-DAY.

Dan thinks it's getting out of hand.  Rodney decides it's time for the ultimate blindside.  He is gonna pretend he's SO DONE WITH THE GAME that he wants to be voted off.  Mike will believe it and not use his idol.

Tyler thinks this is nuts.  He thinks Mike will see right through it and play his idol.  And then Tyler will be screwed.  Rodney explains that he's A GREAT ACTOR.  

 

Everyone returns and Rodney keeps hitting on the BUT IT WAS MY BIRT-DAY song and dance and Mike sees through it in like 5 seconds.  

Tyler talks to Carolyn.  She says basically he has to win immunity.  He asks what about her immunity idol.....  Carolyn thinks he's getting dangerous because he knows about her idol.  

Immunity Challenge.  It's a lean back over the water with a rope and periodically move down a knot thing.  Jeff-Rodney, you seem to be struggling?  YES JEFF I AM DONE WITH THIS GAME.  Jeff: Oh is this your birt-day bullshit again?  YES IT WAS THE WORST BIRT-DAY OF MY LIFE.  ALMOST AS BAD AS WHEN MY MOM MAKE FUCKING VANILLA CAKE WHEN I WAS EXPECTING CHOCOLATE.  OR WHEN I GOT THE WRONG COLOR HOT WHEEL. OR WHEN MY STOOPID MOTHER BOUGHT THE BATMAN PAPER PLATES WHEN EVERYONE KNEW BATMAN WAS FUCKING LAME.   OR WHEN EVERYONE AT THE BAR DIDN'T BUY ME A ROUND.   

Carolyn chimes in with "loving life Jeff.  Best adventure ever".

It comes down to Tyler an Carolyn and Tyler lets go leaving Carolyn to win immunity.  

Carolyn tries to figure out what to do .  They are still going along with the Mike fake out, but there needs to be another sacrificial lamb.  Dan thinks it's either him, Mike or Tyler.  Carolyn thinks the girls should vote Tyler and the boys Mike.  Dan wants Will on the chopping list because he voted for him but Rodney is adamant.  Will and Tyler decide on Dan to knock out the advantage.  

Mike and Carolyn decide to tell Tyler Dan but vote for Tyler.  Carolyn also has permanent eye liner.  

Tribal

Mike-you still a tight 6?  I have my idol Jeff.  Tyler and Dan should be worried. I'm enjoying this.

Dan-I got 2 votes last week and I know who they were from.  

Tyler-I touched base with my alliance.  Mike is charismatic so who knows who he conned.  

Hmmmm, the Dad advantage?

Carolyn says no one knows which is a lie since she and Tyler looked through his stuff last week.

Dan says everyone approached him for their vote.

Sierra-time for a big move?  Yes.  

Tyler-yes, Jeff, it's now time to decide which asshole you can beat.  I would be surprised if it was me.  

Vote.  Mike plays his idol.  Gets like 4 votes that DO NOT COUNT and Tyler is sent packing.  

Survivor-Twofer Update

Hello!  And welcome back to me.  I know you all missed the last 2 updates so here we go...

Last time I commented, Hali had been sent to the jury.  

Rodney is all full of himself, playing both sides and "just waiting for his time".  Shirin, the hopeless outsider is still trying to find a way to fit in.  Mike approaches her and asks her what her perfect strategy would be, and she says she'd go for Carolyn because Carolyn is part of a tight 4 within their presumed 6 alliance.  Mike is all, "I know that".  Mike asks if she would go along with him and she agrees.  However she thinks it'll be for only one vote and then "she can start taking control".  

Challenge

Merika is split into 2 teams, and it's a water obstacle course with a platform, and then they have to hook 5 rings.  Wanna know?  You're playing for a chance to go to the Chocolate Cafe PROVIDED BY MARS, MAKERS OF PEANUT M&Ms.  Blue team is Mike, Tyler, Shirin, Dan and Sierra while Red team is Rodney, Jenn, Joe, Carolyn and Will.  Carolyn falls....Shirin falls.....we're tied and then THE BLUE TEAM WINS.   Jenn is totally distraught and bummed out.  Joe says "it's still a good day to be on Survivor".  

At the chocolate cafe Mike films a snickers commercial.  

The red team thinks, fuck it, we're eating one of these chickens.  Jenn is even sadder and full of despair at the loss of another of her "friends".  Rodney amuses everyone by doing pretty good impressions of Mike and Dan.  Joe realizes that Rodney really doesn't like Mike.  

Joe and Jenn talk.  Jenn doesn't want to be there anymore.  She wants him to let her win immunity if it comes down to them, and then she'll switch it out and give him the necklace at the last minute.  Just because that would be fun to screw with the cool kids.  

Immunity Challenge:  It's the balance on your toes while holding a block on your head against the upper frame challenge.  Joe is in the final 4 but doesn't make it.  His only hope Jenn, is last up with Tyler....but Tyler wins immunity.  Booooo.  

Shirin, who endlessly runs the numbers in her noggin, sees that there could be a "numbers loophole" where by the blue team will split the vote 3 for Jenn, 3 for Joe and Shirin could actually be a swing vote to cause either a tie or a 4 vote advantage for either Jenn or Joe.  Jenn talks to Shirin and asks that she votes for her instead of Joe.  

Mike realizes one person could mess things up.  He tells Shirin who to vote for and makes it clear it's a loyalty thing.  

Joe realizes his only bet is to fake an idol.  Mike has everyone watching Joe all day so Joe takes Dan outside of camp to talk to him.  After they finish Dan returns to camp and Joe sprints away to his collection of stuff which he uses to make a fake idol (FYI-he makes jewelry for a "living" which probably means he wires shit together and sells it at tacky craft fairs.  I know because I have had the booth next to him a bazillion times).  

Mike sees Dan is like "WHERE THE HELL IS JOE".  Dan is like, oh yea I was supposed to watch him.  Mike runs off into the jungle and finds Joe.  Joe says he has an idol and he is willing to vote for Jenn in exchange for the idol if Joe gets to stay.  Mike knows he has an idol but wonders if there is another idol.  Mike wants the idol in advance but Joe doesn't want to give it to him in advance of tribal.

Tribal

Joe hands Mike his fake idol.  

Jenn admits to Jeff that she is apathetic.  " A lot of good stuff and a lot of bad stuff is happening" She tells Jeff that she was hoping to win immunity so she could give it to Joe because everyone is gunning for him.  But she says she is not quitting.

Joe points out that he wants to be there but Jenn is done emotionally

Shirin says something about it being to her advantage for Jenn to be there at the end not Joe

Mike asks Jeff to verify the idol but Jeff says he can't verify it until it's played

Vote.

Any idols?  Mike plays the fake one "for Will".  Jeff confirms it's fake.  

Aaaaaaand, Joe is voted out.  WHAAAAAAAAA.  THERE IS NO ONE TO ROOT FOR ANYMORE!!!

And the following week begins now.....

Rodney is talking to his final 4 about how now may be the time to take Mike out.  Aaaand, Mike overhears the entire thing.  

Bang, we're at the Trader Jeff's auction.  Everyone gets $500, no sharing.  First up is a covered item, which Will buys for $100.  It contains a note.....that says "bye bye your time at the auction is over".  It's quite bullshit.  Shirin buys Chicken and Waffles for $300 and says she isn't waiting for the advantage.  Jeff asks who is waiting for the advantage?  Dan, Carolyn and Mike say they aren't gonna go for any food.  

So Jeff basically sells out all of the food to those who are eating.  And then, the love letters from home. Shirin points out that in previous seasons whatever the price was for one, everyone got to purchase for that same price.  Carolyn asks the advantage 2 if they would also go for it and then have $480 for the advantage bid.  They agree but Mike welches at the last minute.  Dan is actually crying for his letter because his wife "is the love of his life and the what you read about".  LOL, she is probably also a goat.  Carolyn et al are pissed and she gives her letter back.  Finally Mike grows a pair and spends the $20.  

The advantage goes for $480 and is a 3 way tie. They draw straws and Dan gets it.  Auction is over.  Dans says that Mike broke his heart with his betrayal.  

Will walks back to camp and finds a clue for a burried box.  And, the box is actually marked so he can't miss it.  It's a box with snacks and something called electrolyte powder for his use until the end of the game.  AND THAT'S ALL.  Will decides to share the bounty because he is not a shrewd asshole.  Unfortunately he is on an island with a bunch of shrewd assholes.  

Everyone returns to camp and Will excitedly shows his stuff.  Mike talks to Shirin and tells her he was a dick because he knows Rodney has flipped and he needed the advantage.  He tells her "I'm blowing this up". 

At camp, everyone is loving their letters and Mike goes postal, says he knows the plan is for the 4 to take him out, yells how flippers never win... Shirin says this is clearly exhaustion and paranoia.  Mike ultimately apologizes for ruining the feel good time.  

Dan tells Rodney' "Mike is over the deep end.  He dogged you, man"

Dan opens his advantage and learns that he gets an extra vote at a tribal of his choosing.  He calls it his Willie Wonka Golden Ticket moment.

Mike stirs up shit by wondering if Will shared all that was in his box.  He wonders where the rest of the box is.  Will loses it and gets the box, calls Shirin Miss Greedy Ass and then proceeds to berate her about no one loving her at home.  Ok, it's probably true  but it was over the top.  Mike pulls her out of there as Will keeps up and Shirin gets to 'share' her domestic abuse family situation story.  Will tells her to leave and that Mike is her bitch.  OK, probably not wise but WHAT A FUCKING AWESOME RANT.  

Immunity Challenge

Will tells Jeff, who has already been  informed I'm sure by the camera people that he isn't doing well.  It hurt to leave the auction without the chance to get a letter from home.  He asks if he can opt out of the challenge in exchange for his letters?  Jeff puts it to the group and Shirin says NOPE.  

The challenge is a teeter totter thingy they have to walk through carrying a ping pong ball with a pair of tongs, and then place the ball on a stand.  Spoiler alert, Mike kicks ass and wins immunity.  Will says "bring the popcorn, it's gonna be the best tribal ever".  

Lots of shit at camp.  Carolyn keeps saying they are 6 strong.  Mike wants to break the 6 up by breaking the 4 up.  Asks Shirin about Tyler or Carolyn?  He's not even sure about Sierra or Dan.

Jenn is trying to work Dan but admits "my entire game is in a dumbasses hands.  

Mike talks to Dan who tells him they are a 6 person alliance not a 4.  Carolyn thinks Dan would be stupid to flip.  Mike is working him all day.  Everyone is working Dan who is like DO NOT PISS ME OFF AND DO NOT GIVE ME ANY MORE ADVICE, IT'S MY CHOICE.  MIIIIIIIINE.  

TC

Will brings up the Shirin fight, says he shared it all-all food and there was no letter.  Shirin didn't believe him so he exploded.

Shirin begs to differ.  Says he went personal bringing up that she had no family, no soul and was a loser (did he??) She explains that she is a victim of domestic abuse from her dad which is why she doesn't have family.  I think there is a lot more of this on the cutting room floor, personally. 

Sierra says that they are "worlds apart" Jeff (and gets an M&M as a treat for using the theme name).  They are just 9 starving individuals.  

Dan admits there are breaks in the blue collar alliance.  'You can't just park your emotions"

Mike points out that there is a 4some who has decided he is a threat, but he points out that Sierra and Dan are next.  

Rodney tells Jeff that they are mad that Mike almost screwed up people getting letters from love ones.  

Jeff pretends to be surprised at and tribal discontent but his botox gets in the way.

Shirin points out that is's not 6 vs 3 anymore but 4 vs 2 vs 1. 

Carolyn goes back to the we're 6 strong picking off the others meme

Dan says, it's all about how and who you get to the end vote with.

Vote

No idol played.....and Jenn is the next one out. She tells them to play nice on the way out!