Bachelor Update: Overnight with the Ho's

Oh, yea, it’s overnight shag week! Jake gets to sample the goods, if the Ho’s are willing! Unlike other seasons, the all go to the same Island. Jake is falling in lurve with all 3 women, or so he says. In fact, this is the ALL TIME, MOST DRAMATIC USAGE OF THE TERM FALLING IN LOVE episode in bachelor history.

He starts out rehashing how he feels about all 3. “Gia and I’s chemistry is electric” (grammar anyone?); “I would have a blessed life with Tenley”; and “Vienna is the center of all the drama but our connection is undeniable. We can mature together”.

Oh! Let’s check in on loser Allie!! Awww, she’s miserable and broken hearted…and it’s been like a whole week? She can’t work or sleep and she needs to tell Jake how she feels. They’re gonna milk this the entire show.

Gia date is on Pidgeon Island. Gia:” Evwything is perfwect with Jake”. They climb up some lookout, and then climb back down and take a little tiny boat to a local market. They drink coconut drinks, listen to some Reggae, which thrills Jake cause it means that Gia is not just a snobby New Yorker. They listen to the music and do this really strange crotch rubbing dance. Afterwards Jake buys her a cheap necklace. She loves it but for some reason wants to wear it on her wrist. They go swimming, and make out at sunset.

Dinner is on the beach. She is wearing some silver rhinestone headband thing. “I’m never taking the necklace off my wrist”. Uhuh, as soon as he sends her home that trinket is going to go into the breakup fire with the dried up roses.

He tells her he likes her because she is deep. LMAO. She wants to know about him. “I put others above myself”. Seriously, isn’t that one of those stupid answers you are supposed to give when you are asked what your greatest fault is?? She thinks he’s deep too, because he knows what he wants and can express it.

Jake says, “I feel what I need to feel on this date”. Such a strange answer, like he was given the bachelor guide to the universe with a weekly script of emotions.

Oh, the Chris Harrison “Get a free shag card” arrives! Of course they take it. Gia goes on and freakin on about how she wants to tell him she loves him (mainly because that is in the bachelorette guide to the universe booklet she was provided). They go to the suite, and there is a trail of clothes leading to the bubble bath. “That was the most romantic part of the date”. Which means it wasn’t that romantic.

Tenley date. Waiting for Tenley, Jake has to repeat the Tenley mantra of “family, and values, and family values”. He takes her flying in a helicopter, but he is not the pilot. They land and have a picnic in the rain forest. In between the endless divorce and ex husband talk, she asks Jake how he will pursue her in the real world. He tells her they can always jump in a plane and fly somewhere exotic, because it’s free. Tenley “I can totally see us together forever and ever”. She feels PASSION again, after the DIVORCE. They swim. Apparently swimming at sunset is his thing.

Dinner is at poolside. She is obsessed with what she is going to do with the shag card, BECAUSE SHE HAS ONLY SLEPT WITH ONE MAN IN HER LIFE. Get over yourself. She says she is happy that he is giving her a chance given her checkered past. Um, Vienna is also divorced but seems to not have any issues with that. After dinner he asks her to dance, and she has to let him lead. She’s FALLING IN LURVE. In fact, she says this about 100 times. He’s FALLING IN LURVE too. Hmmm, maybe I’ve been married too long but I really don’t remember it taking so freaking long to FALL IN LURVE.

Jake reads the shag note. Given all the mental drama about the note, you’d have thought Tenley would at least pretend to think it over. She’s all, let’s go! This suite has a private pool. I’m starting to think Jake was once told you can’t get a girl pregnant if you do her in the water. They sit and eat dessert, and discuss values and morals, values and morals, valuesmorals. Then they get into the pool and make out. See kids, it’s OK if you have sex before marriage IF you feel kinda bad about it.

Vienna date. She keeps calling him sweetheart and honey and it is annoying. They take out the boat from the Pirates of the Caribbean. They are playful. They are so playful that Jake has to repeat that they are playful 10 times. She makes him wear an eye patch and give a toast. He makes her walk the plank (in a green ruffled bottom bikini) by holding a plastic sword at her back. It’s playful, y’all. “Vienna and I have a natural affection for each other”. “Vienna is so nurturing”. LOL, that is a joke. Another sunset ocean makeout thing. They both are FALLING IN LURVE.

Dinner is in a gazebo. She wants to wait to have kids. Ok. Jake is trying to figure out if it’s just a sex thing between them. She says she wants a life partner. A best friend. An only friend is more like it. Jake asks her “what kind of ring do you like?” I’m totally hoping he asked everyone else this. She, of course, rattles off exactly what she wants. She asks him “could you see me as your wife”. “You wouldn’t be here if I didn’t”. BUT, there are 2 other women and “I am FALLING IN LURVE with them too. Oh for Christ sake. She lays it on thick about how much she is in lurve with him, then she cries. Working it, baby!!

He pulls out the shag card. Of course this Ho takes it. The go to the room, and she gets up and changes into lingerie, with no underwear I am sure. They kiss on the bed and she gets up and closes the door. Ugh.

Just when you thought this episode couldn’t get any more DRAMATIC, what with all the falling in lurve going on, Allie calls. Seriously, this is like the quintessential late at night, half a bottle of wine, please take me back desperate call. She tells him she made the wrong choice and wants to come back. Looooooonnnnnnggggg silence.

Jake:” I’m just trying to process this”. How freakin lame is THAT??? Ladies, this is when you say, “oh, I must have the wrong number" and hang up. It is the most fake, awkward conversation on bachelor history. I really think they paid her to make the call. He tells her, “you missed a critical WEEK on the show”. Seriously?? If she was the one would that friggin matter? HANG UP HANG UP HANG UP.

She is begging and he’s avoiding answering her. “I WAS falling in lurve with you but after you left, I fell in lurve with the other women while you were gone”. By the way, Jake does not know how to hold a phone receiver and have a conversation. It’s weird. He holds the ear thing away from his ear and just talks into the mouth part.

“Thanks for the call”. UGH. She’s a big hot mess now.

Finally, it’s rose ceremony night. But first, since there really is so little material to work with this week, and it’s a 2 hour show, we have to rehash the 3 dates with Chris. I fast forwarded past this. Then he gets to watch videos the women made for him. Tenley’s is all about falling in lurve again, just in case he forgot she is damaged goods. Gia’s is totally boring about how incredible he is and the obligatory “I am falling for you” line. Vienna is all, “hi sweetheart”. She is now completely in lurve with him and can’t wait to be his wife. Oh, man, I hope she hasn’t peaked too soon and will be falling OUT OF LURVE with him at any minute.

2 roses tonight. Tenley and…….Vienna. Damn.

He walks Gia out, and they sit on a bench to talk. She is a total sweaty mess.

NOTE: THIS WEEK’S SHOW IS THE WOMEN BITCH FEST, WHICH I ASSUME MAKES NEXT MONDAY THE FINAL ROSE CEREMONY. I will be in Italy and will miss the final episode. Doh!!! Who wants to do the write up for me?

Vienna-Donna
Tenley-Cindy R

Off to the herpes clinic
Gia-Karen
Ali-Tess
Corrie-Betty
Jessica-Ginny
Ashleigh-Cindy M
Ella-Lori M
Catherine-Greta
Valecia-Lori K
Crazy Michelle-Irene
Elzabeth-Elayne
Ashley-Sara
Christina-Stephanie
Slutty Spice-Wendy