Oh man, that was the best week one show I have ever watched!! Let's let the crazy out of the bag on day one, shall we?
Helicopters arrive and drop off the Survivors. And then....another helicopter. Out steps Rob and Russell. Together Jeff tells us they have 156 days if experience playing Survivor. I think they need real jobs...
Francesca is not happy. They are trouble makers, sizing us up. They draw for teams and Rob gets the O team, Russell the Z team. Yea, the team names are longer but I don't feel like looking them up right now.
Here's the new thang this year. When you are voted off you go to redemption island and live alone. The next loser joins you there and you square off in a "duel". The remaining person will be able to reenter the game at some point. Russell thinks redemption is gonna be a vacation. I think Russell will be there shortly.
The X team. Russell is already an asshole. Apparently CRAFTSMAN tools are a sponsor because for the first time ever the Survivors get nails and hammers and stuff. WTF??
On O, Rob's all helpful. Matt calls it camp harmony. Phillip is very pushy and A FORMER FEDERAL AGENT. You will hear those words 500 times. Francesca doesn't like him. Phillip calls them over and announces he's a FORMER FEDERAL AGENT, and is an expert at analyzing people which will be GREAT when they merge. He also has 7 sisters. Not sure what that comment means, maybe he's willing to rent them out. Francesca doesn't care.
Kristina wonders why nobody is looking for an idol? She goes out looking and Rob totally busts her doing it.
Phillip is trying to suck up to Rob, forming a "he male alliance". Phillip and Kristina talk. "Rob is going to try to divide and conquer and play me like a fool. We can work together."
X: Russell as usually sucks right up to the young cute blonde. They go looking for tree mail together and he is hitting on her already. He forms a secret alliance with her. Mike, David and someone else see Russell talking to Stephanie. They want Russell gone ASAP.
O: Kristen doesn't want Rob to stay but everyone else likes him. WHY would you want to get rid of someone with so much experience who you KNOW will never win the game? She is a control freak and thinks he will take control away from her. Kristen takes a shovel (they get shovels too?? christ, how about cable and a mini Kenmore Elite refrigerator??) and goes looking for the idol. She finds it right away. She is Russell's long lost daughter. She re hides the idol.
OMFG. Phillip is wearing red BVDs. I kid you not. Now I believe we know why he is a FORMER federal agent. Things haven't been as much fun since Hoover left. He's standing in his underwear giving attitude to Kristen and Francesca. Total idiot. Let me also point out that his red package DOES NOT NEED PIXELATION, as it is not visible. Even in HD. How do you argue with someone in red underwear?? Wonder what he washed his white load with to ruin it all.
Challenge. My dimpled darling is in dark blue. Ahhhhhhhhh. Each tribe will push four blocks along a track to build the base of a temple. They will then run up the steps where one person will use an ax to chop a series of ropes releasing another set of steps. They’ll then make their way to the top where they will race to solve a block puzzle, which will complete their temple.
O sucks at this. Z gets their stairs done first, gets their puzzle and has a big lead. Russell is calling the shots. For O, Matt cannot chop the ropes. He's pathetic. Finally. Rob is the puzzle master but he can't overcome Z's lead. Z wins immunity. Ashley: "We let Rob down".
Back at camp, all hell starts breaking out. Kristina tells Francesca she has the idol. Let's talk them all into voting for me and then we blindside Rob. Francesca thinks they still need him. Everyone will be pissed if we get rid of Rob. She wants to get rid of Natalie. Kristina admits, “Voting Natalie is better for the tribe. Voting Rob is better for me.
Rob knows Kristina was looking for the idol. He calls everyone except Kristen, Francesca and Phillip together and tells them about her looking for the idol. They decide to split their votes between Kristen and Francesca and flush out the idol. They all agree.
Kristen and Francesca approach Phillip with their plan. He doesn't see how the 3 of them voting for Rob is gonna work, so she shows him the idol. He agrees with her plan because he wants Rob out so he can be the new tribe leader.
Tribal. They all get fire. Fire = Life in this game. I think I will get a Fire = Life tattoo. Who's with me? Won't Jeff be surprised when he finds THAT!
Rob tells Jeff that his tribe got right to work when they first arrived at camp to build a good shelter. He credits Phillip in setting the tone of hard work for everyone. Jeff asks Phillip if he assumed the leadership role. Phillip replies, “Not necessarily the leadership role, but if I see work that needs to be done, I’ll suggest it.” Francesca rolls her eyes at Phillip’s response.
Matt, Is Phillip the leader? He calls people out, and that's not that well received
Francesca: We need to keep this tribe strong
Kristina: I don't feel safe
Rob-are the men safe? "I don't feel safe"
Jeff asks Francesca about redemption island. "it makes the game more complex. Like if Rob gets voted out tonight...NOT THAT HE'S GOING TO...but he could come back.
Phillip calls her out on that. Francesca and he go at it, she telling him that she "never told him to vote for Rob". Kristina calls Phillip unstable and he tells everyone her whole plan, including the fact that she has the idol.
Jeff: Who is that news to?
Rob: "um, ME". They don't deny having the idol. Rob wants to see it. "Give me the idol tonight and you will get to stay". Nope.
Time to vote. Anyone have the idol and want to use it? Nope.
Kristen gets 3 votes, Phillip gets 2 and Francesca is the first occupant of Redemption Island.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Bachelor: HOmetown Dates
Ah yes, it's that time of the season again when Brad gets dragged to the ladies hometowns and we get to see WHAT KIND OF FREAKS HAVE DAUGHTERS THAT GO ON THIS SHOW.
He's in NY packing, I have no idea why. "This is an incredible adventure...this is the most important week..." He's so glad America has short attention spans and can't remember he said this same shit last time.
He runs down the women who are left:
Chantel N: I have questions for her...she's emotional...roller coaster...fucks like a rabbit though...
Ashley: so happy and outgoing..."she has everything a guy wants in a wife...but there have been speedbumps". She didn't lay down and just rollover like a good wife should have
Shawntel O: she's FUN! We have a connection! No roller coaster BUT she told me she loves me and DAMN, that makes a guys testicals retract. " I like where we're at".
Emily: She's very real. She's what I'm looking for in a wife (someone boring as all HELL who will never talk back, never have an opinion and never have the guts to leave me). It's deeper because she had a daughter...and he doesn't know if he could play hide the salami with her sacred baby-hole.
First date. Chantal. I think this is Chico? He loves the city, they go to her banging house. She has 2 cats and a dog. Cats are Jinxie, Baily and the dog is Boca. No, you do not need to know that. It's the happy confident Chantal! The dog loves him, which is a big deal. They discuss the fact that the pets come with her. He tells her he has a loft in NY (I thought he lived in texas??) with no closets. "That's not going to work". I was really liking them together anyway but HOLY CRAP are her parents friggin LOADED. The house is unbelievable. Like HUGE ASS. I'd have dropped to my knees and proposed RIGHT THEN.
Mom looks like she's 35. Except nothing moves on her face. They have wine and chat in one of the many rooms. They tell the o-so-funny story about her slapping him when they first met. Seriously, if he doesn't marry her I am gonna go lesbian and hunt her down. Fabulous family, AND THEY ARE RICH!! Dad and Chantal chat. She tells him she had THAT FEELING from the start with Brad. "Well, honey, if you love him, I'll just offer him a check to get this over with and wipe off that stain of divorce you carry".
Dad takes Brad off to another wing of the mansion to show him a BIG ASS statue he owns. It's a statue of a self made man. LOL. Total male bonding. Brad tells him about his own Dad and OMG, her Dad didn't see his father for the last 15 years of his life. What a fucking coincidence! Brad "I'll be a damn good son in law and father..." People say the funniest things when money is involved. "Is Chantal ready to marry again?" "Yes, and here's $10,000 to make sure it happens". I was literally praying there was not gonna be a man-hug.
Chantal and Mom, with the bad purple eye shadow and huge glasses of wine talk. Mom tells her to "trust your heart...and your genitalia". Chantal has "feelings again".
Brad and Daddy-o are now in THE FUCKING WINE CELLAR. Brad: "My intensions are true" "I know they are...we would give you our blessing to take our divorced baggage off our hands".
Hang on, I need an insulin shot.
Date 2: Ashley. She wants SPARKS!! "You're cute today" "No, you are" . They are in northern Maine. She takes him to a place where she was a waitress as a kid. The cameraman is totally into her boots. LOL. They're in French Canadian land. They order a quick thin, which is fries with gravy and cheese. I am so moving to Maine. Everyone talks french and Brad manages to order potatoes. What a guy! The fries arrive and he picks up a fork. "You cannot eat these with a fork, use your hands!" He starts to eat and she says, "Hey I just saw your crown!" Spoken like a true dentist. He's all confident in them together BUT they have to "move forward as a couple" which is clearly code for blow job. She says the word disconnected and he gets all wigged out. "We're wasting time here". They go get lobsters for dinner. And as my friend correctly texted me, "that lobster is way more interesting than Brad".
They stop and take pictures at the Madawaska sign. "I've never seen her this happy". Meet the folks. Lots of screaming. She is so excited. He fits right in. His sister is totally into him. Dad's into him but wonders if Brad will support her in her climb to be the worlds best dentist. She is apparently still in dental school. Didn't know that. They act like you can't be a friggin dentist anywhere in the world. "Do you want kids?" "I do but I have no idea what Ashley thinks". Hey, genius, FRIGGIN ASK her. God, he sucks at conversation.
Her brother asks her, "would you accept a proposal?" Ashley would have to think about it. Hmmmmm.
Brad is now worried she is too good for him (she is) and won't take a rose from him. He's wondering if he will scare her away or take her away from her job. As a dentist. Because they don't have those in NYC. Sister: "Now is the time for her to start both her career and her life". Mom: "He's awesome" Ashley: "He's everything I've been looking for". C'mon, is it really that hard out there??
"Brad you wanna stay over tonight? Check out her plumbing??" He's obsessing over the "keeping her down from her ambitions" bullshit. Because he is totally looking for a reason to ditch her.
Date 3 starts with OMFG the family funeral parlor commercial. LMAO. The whole family is into it, apparently. (Note: if you have never watched the series, Six Feet Under, you have to netflix it.) He meets Shawntel at the mausoleum. Niiiiiice. She wants to find out now if he's comfortable with her life. He loves Chico. Shit, this is Chico. Where the hell does the other chick live??
She shows him the crypts with the husbands and wives, the cremation wall, and here's the spot for you and me!! Shows him the crematorium. That sound is his reproductive organs falling off. This is 70% of our business! We do 3 a day!! Um, what is she selling him?? He's like, "if we get married I will have to listen to what a bad day at the crematorium will be like..." Ah, here's the prep room. Lay down on the table and let me totally and completely CREEP YOU OUT. She puts on a mask, is all into it...shows him the equipement. It is really weird.
Brad: "I don't do death well". She loves her job. "The good thing is, I can embalm anywhere we live!!"
Parent's House. Brad so has "where is the back door" in his eyes. Dad is a trip. Wants Shawnie to take over the bidness some day. Mom, Dad and 2 sisters are counting on it!
They tell Dad Shawnie even got Brad on the table. Dad wisely says, "no rose 4 U!"
"Um, Dad... Brad lives in Austin TX (not NY?? I am so damn confused)" Dead silence. Dad and Shawnel go sit in the barcolounger TV room. "You leaving for Austin would be bad. Last week some kid from the local high school bought it and they were disappointed you didn't carve him up". WOW. "If he proposes, I'm OUTA here". "You are destroying our dreams". WOW, that went well.
"We trust her, Brad. If it's meant to be, you have our blessing". Creepiest home visit EVER. "I'm in love with you Brad". She thinks the day could not have gone better!
Next up, Emily. Emily meets up with her daughter, Ricky-ticki. Let me vomit now. "I made a new friend while I was a way...and he is going to come to meet you". Ricky has to put her 5 year old stamp of approval on this adult decision. Ridiculous.
Brad meets her. He brings her a kite. She's shy. She doesn't want to open the present. Brad has never been in a relationship with someone with a daughter. God help him. Ricky is not having any of it. No eye contact. They fly the kite and she gets a little better. "This day has been perfect" He is a freaking idiot. Back at home, it's a big ass house. Ahhh, life insurance. What a great thing. Ricky runs upstairs into the magic Ricky room (run Brad run). She calls him Mr. Brad. They play games. He's totally tricked into believing this is what being a step dad is like. LOL. Idiot. She gives him a painting, brushes her teeth and Brad goes to say goodnight. She's a happy kid, despite what ABC chose to show on the previews.
Alone at last with Brad. "My day was perfect, I couldn't be happier". She is falling for him. Horny as all get out. Brad: "I want to be affectionate but your daughter is upstairs". No kiss. Emily is not buying it. "If this works out, she will always be upstairs sleeping". Kiss me damnit!! Nope, he has a total Madonna complex. He gets up to leave and they finally kiss, with the door open so all of the neighbors can see. LOL. Idiot.
Cocktails. The 4 ladies are wearing red, white, blue, and black. All tight, all ugly as all get out. Brad: "I don't want to say goodbye to one of you".
Roses: Ashley, Emily and Chantal. Shawntel goes back to her freak world. "I care for you but I didn't feel the way a man should when a woman says she loves him".
Sign, most men don't treat an embalmer that good. Next week, off to South Africa.
He's in NY packing, I have no idea why. "This is an incredible adventure...this is the most important week..." He's so glad America has short attention spans and can't remember he said this same shit last time.
He runs down the women who are left:
Chantel N: I have questions for her...she's emotional...roller coaster...fucks like a rabbit though...
Ashley: so happy and outgoing..."she has everything a guy wants in a wife...but there have been speedbumps". She didn't lay down and just rollover like a good wife should have
Shawntel O: she's FUN! We have a connection! No roller coaster BUT she told me she loves me and DAMN, that makes a guys testicals retract. " I like where we're at".
Emily: She's very real. She's what I'm looking for in a wife (someone boring as all HELL who will never talk back, never have an opinion and never have the guts to leave me). It's deeper because she had a daughter...and he doesn't know if he could play hide the salami with her sacred baby-hole.
First date. Chantal. I think this is Chico? He loves the city, they go to her banging house. She has 2 cats and a dog. Cats are Jinxie, Baily and the dog is Boca. No, you do not need to know that. It's the happy confident Chantal! The dog loves him, which is a big deal. They discuss the fact that the pets come with her. He tells her he has a loft in NY (I thought he lived in texas??) with no closets. "That's not going to work". I was really liking them together anyway but HOLY CRAP are her parents friggin LOADED. The house is unbelievable. Like HUGE ASS. I'd have dropped to my knees and proposed RIGHT THEN.
Mom looks like she's 35. Except nothing moves on her face. They have wine and chat in one of the many rooms. They tell the o-so-funny story about her slapping him when they first met. Seriously, if he doesn't marry her I am gonna go lesbian and hunt her down. Fabulous family, AND THEY ARE RICH!! Dad and Chantal chat. She tells him she had THAT FEELING from the start with Brad. "Well, honey, if you love him, I'll just offer him a check to get this over with and wipe off that stain of divorce you carry".
Dad takes Brad off to another wing of the mansion to show him a BIG ASS statue he owns. It's a statue of a self made man. LOL. Total male bonding. Brad tells him about his own Dad and OMG, her Dad didn't see his father for the last 15 years of his life. What a fucking coincidence! Brad "I'll be a damn good son in law and father..." People say the funniest things when money is involved. "Is Chantal ready to marry again?" "Yes, and here's $10,000 to make sure it happens". I was literally praying there was not gonna be a man-hug.
Chantal and Mom, with the bad purple eye shadow and huge glasses of wine talk. Mom tells her to "trust your heart...and your genitalia". Chantal has "feelings again".
Brad and Daddy-o are now in THE FUCKING WINE CELLAR. Brad: "My intensions are true" "I know they are...we would give you our blessing to take our divorced baggage off our hands".
Hang on, I need an insulin shot.
Date 2: Ashley. She wants SPARKS!! "You're cute today" "No, you are" . They are in northern Maine. She takes him to a place where she was a waitress as a kid. The cameraman is totally into her boots. LOL. They're in French Canadian land. They order a quick thin, which is fries with gravy and cheese. I am so moving to Maine. Everyone talks french and Brad manages to order potatoes. What a guy! The fries arrive and he picks up a fork. "You cannot eat these with a fork, use your hands!" He starts to eat and she says, "Hey I just saw your crown!" Spoken like a true dentist. He's all confident in them together BUT they have to "move forward as a couple" which is clearly code for blow job. She says the word disconnected and he gets all wigged out. "We're wasting time here". They go get lobsters for dinner. And as my friend correctly texted me, "that lobster is way more interesting than Brad".
They stop and take pictures at the Madawaska sign. "I've never seen her this happy". Meet the folks. Lots of screaming. She is so excited. He fits right in. His sister is totally into him. Dad's into him but wonders if Brad will support her in her climb to be the worlds best dentist. She is apparently still in dental school. Didn't know that. They act like you can't be a friggin dentist anywhere in the world. "Do you want kids?" "I do but I have no idea what Ashley thinks". Hey, genius, FRIGGIN ASK her. God, he sucks at conversation.
Her brother asks her, "would you accept a proposal?" Ashley would have to think about it. Hmmmmm.
Brad is now worried she is too good for him (she is) and won't take a rose from him. He's wondering if he will scare her away or take her away from her job. As a dentist. Because they don't have those in NYC. Sister: "Now is the time for her to start both her career and her life". Mom: "He's awesome" Ashley: "He's everything I've been looking for". C'mon, is it really that hard out there??
"Brad you wanna stay over tonight? Check out her plumbing??" He's obsessing over the "keeping her down from her ambitions" bullshit. Because he is totally looking for a reason to ditch her.
Date 3 starts with OMFG the family funeral parlor commercial. LMAO. The whole family is into it, apparently. (Note: if you have never watched the series, Six Feet Under, you have to netflix it.) He meets Shawntel at the mausoleum. Niiiiiice. She wants to find out now if he's comfortable with her life. He loves Chico. Shit, this is Chico. Where the hell does the other chick live??
She shows him the crypts with the husbands and wives, the cremation wall, and here's the spot for you and me!! Shows him the crematorium. That sound is his reproductive organs falling off. This is 70% of our business! We do 3 a day!! Um, what is she selling him?? He's like, "if we get married I will have to listen to what a bad day at the crematorium will be like..." Ah, here's the prep room. Lay down on the table and let me totally and completely CREEP YOU OUT. She puts on a mask, is all into it...shows him the equipement. It is really weird.
Brad: "I don't do death well". She loves her job. "The good thing is, I can embalm anywhere we live!!"
Parent's House. Brad so has "where is the back door" in his eyes. Dad is a trip. Wants Shawnie to take over the bidness some day. Mom, Dad and 2 sisters are counting on it!
They tell Dad Shawnie even got Brad on the table. Dad wisely says, "no rose 4 U!"
"Um, Dad... Brad lives in Austin TX (not NY?? I am so damn confused)" Dead silence. Dad and Shawnel go sit in the barcolounger TV room. "You leaving for Austin would be bad. Last week some kid from the local high school bought it and they were disappointed you didn't carve him up". WOW. "If he proposes, I'm OUTA here". "You are destroying our dreams". WOW, that went well.
"We trust her, Brad. If it's meant to be, you have our blessing". Creepiest home visit EVER. "I'm in love with you Brad". She thinks the day could not have gone better!
Next up, Emily. Emily meets up with her daughter, Ricky-ticki. Let me vomit now. "I made a new friend while I was a way...and he is going to come to meet you". Ricky has to put her 5 year old stamp of approval on this adult decision. Ridiculous.
Brad meets her. He brings her a kite. She's shy. She doesn't want to open the present. Brad has never been in a relationship with someone with a daughter. God help him. Ricky is not having any of it. No eye contact. They fly the kite and she gets a little better. "This day has been perfect" He is a freaking idiot. Back at home, it's a big ass house. Ahhh, life insurance. What a great thing. Ricky runs upstairs into the magic Ricky room (run Brad run). She calls him Mr. Brad. They play games. He's totally tricked into believing this is what being a step dad is like. LOL. Idiot. She gives him a painting, brushes her teeth and Brad goes to say goodnight. She's a happy kid, despite what ABC chose to show on the previews.
Alone at last with Brad. "My day was perfect, I couldn't be happier". She is falling for him. Horny as all get out. Brad: "I want to be affectionate but your daughter is upstairs". No kiss. Emily is not buying it. "If this works out, she will always be upstairs sleeping". Kiss me damnit!! Nope, he has a total Madonna complex. He gets up to leave and they finally kiss, with the door open so all of the neighbors can see. LOL. Idiot.
Cocktails. The 4 ladies are wearing red, white, blue, and black. All tight, all ugly as all get out. Brad: "I don't want to say goodbye to one of you".
Roses: Ashley, Emily and Chantal. Shawntel goes back to her freak world. "I care for you but I didn't feel the way a man should when a woman says she loves him".
Sign, most men don't treat an embalmer that good. Next week, off to South Africa.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Bachelor: Ding Dong the Witch is Dead
Yo yo yo! Finally finished watching this painful episode. Last week we were hanging with the dogs at Westminster while Brad was hanging with the Ho's in Anguilla.
This week, 4 dates. 3 one on one's with no roses, and perhaps the most painful group date EVAH with a rose.
Date card: 3 things I would want to be stranded on a desert island with: picnic, champagne and Emily. Christ, can he BUY HER A DAMN MEAL that doesn't come out of a basket?? Enough of this picnic theme. Brad arrives to pick her up. "What do you want to do?" "I don't care". FOR CHRIST SAKE THESE TWO ARE SO DAMN BORING. Oh look it's another helicopter. They go to a little deserted island, really just a tiny sand bar with no plumbing. Oh yea, this is gonna be a GREAT date.
"What are you thinking?" "Pretty view". Brad, let me explain something to you. If your conversation is like this while you are dating?? You are gonna be SCREWED every meal for the rest of your life.
Brad's all tense. I tend to get that way when there is no plumbing too. Emily: "I'm scared of getting my heart broken" "Em, I care for you, I take things slowly with you...it's not for lack of interest". Kiss. He thinks they've broken new ground. Must have missed that part. They sit there until the sun starts to set. It's really boring. They have snorkel gear but no one even goes into the water. WTF??
Date card: It's for Shawntel N. Britt has still not gotten a date. "Shawntel: Let's hang out on the streets and search for ganja".
Back at the narcoleptic dream date, dinner with Emily on the beach. He wants to meet her daughter next week if he goes to her hometown. Heavy sigh. "What is the sigh for??" "I have anxiety about Ricky (named after the dead dad) meeting men whose leg I hump. I'm overprotective (and the ONLY good mother that has ever been on this show). Brad: "It would mean a lot to me and to the 5 million viewers". "It's scary". He says, "I shouldn't say this but I am going to give you a rose this week. So think about it".
Shawntel N. Ok, it might be Chantel but I have lost the ability to tell the damn difference. Brad doesn't pick her up but a car takes her to meet Brad out on the street where he meets her with bikes. Let's bike through town. The come to a farmers market, it's Shawntel's perfect day! They play dominoes and "her self confidence is SEXXYYY". Some lady asks if they are in lurve. "Hold hands and kiss and then you will know". Shawntel: "I:d love to marry him". No, you'd love to have a wedding with him. Marriage would be torture for whatever unfortunate woman ends up there. They have a picnic with some goats, which is ironic since they are probably eating goat.
"I like how I feel when I am alone with you" "My relationship with you is growing. " "I've only told 2 men that I loved them (that was Shawntel saying it, not Brad) I'm falling in love with you" .
Dinner-Brad thinks he better figure out his feelings for her. Somehow they end up talking about his mom. "My dad isn't in the picture". Brad is all happy he can talk about his Dad with her. Thinks, shit, this could be cheaper than a lifetime of therapy. It starts to rain. She gets all turned on by rain. They kiss. BUT WAIT, there's more!! A whole bunch of people show up for a concert with Banky Banks. Who is famous. In Anguilla. They make out on the dance floor, and then stumble all drunk down to the beach and take their clothes off, get in the water... Ahhh, the tropics!! FYI-she has on a glitter bikini. They have aqua sex, which as EVERYONE knows you can't get pregnant from.
Date card. It's finally for Britt. Is it me or has Britt lost more weight than a Survivor contestant these last 5 weeks?? And, yes, it's ONLY been 5 weeks in HO time. "Let's set sail on a sea of love". And residual sperm apparently. Michelle is jealous. "Their ship will go down". And if anyone is an expert on things going down, she would be the one.
Britt's really behind the other women in the sex department. It's a make or break day for her. A yacht pulls up. They have to friggin swim out to it. The other women are watching and jealous. "I don't even see them friending each other on FB".
They yacht out to Little Bay, where they have the whole cove to themselves. Brad: "Oh look, a cliff. We can jump off and then if you die I'll have one less decision to make". He goes first. She's all afraid but stupid enough to make the jump. Really, you would think it would smoosh his testicles all up into his body. He's all proud she jumped. "She overcame her fear and is making progress". OK, WTF is with this guy who seems to get sexually excited by women being scared?? It's freakish.
Date card interruptus. Group date for Ashley, Chantel and Michelle. "Dawning of a new ...something or other".
Britt and Brad are now sitting in the cove. Just...sitting. "You ever been in lurve?" "Yes, but I suck at showing emotion...you probably noticed. I feel like when it's the right person you just know". Hmmmmm, BIG RED LIGHTS GOING OFF BRAD. Brad: I think it's wrong that I have ABSOLUTELY NO URGE TO JUMP HER. Probably because she is ANOREXIC. I need to feel a connection tonight...either that or a hand on my thigh.
Dinner. She comes in wearing a peach colored satin-polyester nightgown dress. Really ugly and she has nothing to fill it out. So boring. "Today was insane" "Nice night though". I can't force this. "Britt, I think the world of you BUT...it ain't happening. I just don't see a future with you. And, in fact, if you're done not eating there's a dingy to take you back and get you outta here". I honestly don't think she was that dissapointed.
She walks into the house. HI BRITT, HOW WAS THE DATE?? Um, I gotta go pack. I'm going home. It's just not there..."
Next morning Brad sneaks into the girls room and wakes then up. GET UP AND GET DRESSED!!!. Michelle has a big ass zit on her forehead. It's photo shoot day!! Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue! So go get all whored up before the sun comes out! Everyone into a red bathing suit!!
Chantel (or Shawntel) is feeling fat today. Christ, I would love to be that fat. Isn't feeling sexy.
Ashley goes first. She's a natural. She takes her top off and holds up 2 shells over her breasts.
OH, SPEAKING OF BREASTS, I AM DOING THE 3 DAY BREAST CANCER WALK IN SEPTEMBER. IF YOU ENJOY MY BLOGS, CONSIDER MAKING A DONATION: http://www.the3day.org/site/TR?px=5732374&pg=personal&fr_id=1624&et=zrq8qFMPscnUpbKuiulzHg..&s_tafId=431742
Ok, so it's really a ho down, who can be more of a porn star. Chantel does the rolling in the surf hot girl thing, and then she takes her top off and does more rolling in the surf holding onto her breasts. Yes, it is soft porn at this point. Brad is thinking, "maybe this wasn't such the fantasy date I thought it would be??"
Michelle isn't gonna take off her top. But she asks Brad to pose with her and then basically grinds him down to a nub. Trust me on this. It is awful, and he gets a little too into it for the other girls. Brad: "This isn't going as well as I planned..." He's mad at Michelle and mad at himself.
Pool party for the 3 of them. Ashley at least starts drinking. It's bad. He calls Ashley out first. She grows a pair and is like, "um, if you want to ho bag it with Michelle maybe you're not the man for me". He's scared they are "pulling back from him". She tells him she felt ridiculous. (You GO girl). He tells her how much he likes her. Ashley:" I want you to be happy, so if it ain't me, I'm good." This upsets Brad cause he likes his women humping his leg happy.
Next up, Chantel. "Brad, you're shutting off, up body language sucks with me today". Hells yea, she's not taking shit either. Brad tells her group dates suck, and he is trying to make everyone happy. "I love you but you are testing my feelings". Rut Ro. What if he's stuck all alone at the last ceremony?? Rosie......
I half expected him to call his therapist and put him on speaker. He talks to Ho Bag. "Today felt different". "You and I can talk Michelle, I'm scared we're too much alike. Too strong and volatile. We would kill each other". I'm all for that at this point. She gets defensive. "I'm supposed to be here. The 800 psychic said so.
Ashley and Chantel talk. "I think the ho bag is gonna get a rose". They both think he's cold and shutting down.
Back to Chantel. "I'm putting myself out there but today you're shut down".
DATE FROM HELL.
He calls Ashley out and talks to her again. She's all freaking. "Don't send me home...you're scaring me..." He gets up, walks around the pool, picks up the rose from in front of the two other ladies and takes it to Ashley. She runs to meet him and throws herself in his arms. I gag.
They go back to the hammock, Michelle and Chantel are not happy. Chantel starts to cry. "We can talk". She keeps saying no but then the other ladies leave. "If you can't chose me over 2 other women then let me go home now". He talks to her, she calms down a little but gets up and walks away.
It was awful.
Cocktail time. They arrive at a really nice place, all shoeless, but we don't really get to see the place because...Brad wants to talk to Chris Harrison. This is always bad. He tells Chris he had clarity this week. I have no need for a cocktail party, I know who is going home. Nothing is gonna change my mind..." Chris tries to talk him out of it because, well they need more good shit for the previews. Nope, no cocktails.
Chris walks out to the ladies. "This is not good..." "Brad has already made up his mind." Michelle wants to talk to him, "If I go home tonight I am going to be fucking pissed".
The ladies go down to the beach to a little virgin sacrifice alter. Yea, right. Brad comes in. Blah Blah Blah. Ashley already has a rose. Emily.....Chantel N...... it's between Shawntel O and Michelle....... Michelle does not get a rose!!! Woo hooo.
This week, 4 dates. 3 one on one's with no roses, and perhaps the most painful group date EVAH with a rose.
Date card: 3 things I would want to be stranded on a desert island with: picnic, champagne and Emily. Christ, can he BUY HER A DAMN MEAL that doesn't come out of a basket?? Enough of this picnic theme. Brad arrives to pick her up. "What do you want to do?" "I don't care". FOR CHRIST SAKE THESE TWO ARE SO DAMN BORING. Oh look it's another helicopter. They go to a little deserted island, really just a tiny sand bar with no plumbing. Oh yea, this is gonna be a GREAT date.
"What are you thinking?" "Pretty view". Brad, let me explain something to you. If your conversation is like this while you are dating?? You are gonna be SCREWED every meal for the rest of your life.
Brad's all tense. I tend to get that way when there is no plumbing too. Emily: "I'm scared of getting my heart broken" "Em, I care for you, I take things slowly with you...it's not for lack of interest". Kiss. He thinks they've broken new ground. Must have missed that part. They sit there until the sun starts to set. It's really boring. They have snorkel gear but no one even goes into the water. WTF??
Date card: It's for Shawntel N. Britt has still not gotten a date. "Shawntel: Let's hang out on the streets and search for ganja".
Back at the narcoleptic dream date, dinner with Emily on the beach. He wants to meet her daughter next week if he goes to her hometown. Heavy sigh. "What is the sigh for??" "I have anxiety about Ricky (named after the dead dad) meeting men whose leg I hump. I'm overprotective (and the ONLY good mother that has ever been on this show). Brad: "It would mean a lot to me and to the 5 million viewers". "It's scary". He says, "I shouldn't say this but I am going to give you a rose this week. So think about it".
Shawntel N. Ok, it might be Chantel but I have lost the ability to tell the damn difference. Brad doesn't pick her up but a car takes her to meet Brad out on the street where he meets her with bikes. Let's bike through town. The come to a farmers market, it's Shawntel's perfect day! They play dominoes and "her self confidence is SEXXYYY". Some lady asks if they are in lurve. "Hold hands and kiss and then you will know". Shawntel: "I:d love to marry him". No, you'd love to have a wedding with him. Marriage would be torture for whatever unfortunate woman ends up there. They have a picnic with some goats, which is ironic since they are probably eating goat.
"I like how I feel when I am alone with you" "My relationship with you is growing. " "I've only told 2 men that I loved them (that was Shawntel saying it, not Brad) I'm falling in love with you" .
Dinner-Brad thinks he better figure out his feelings for her. Somehow they end up talking about his mom. "My dad isn't in the picture". Brad is all happy he can talk about his Dad with her. Thinks, shit, this could be cheaper than a lifetime of therapy. It starts to rain. She gets all turned on by rain. They kiss. BUT WAIT, there's more!! A whole bunch of people show up for a concert with Banky Banks. Who is famous. In Anguilla. They make out on the dance floor, and then stumble all drunk down to the beach and take their clothes off, get in the water... Ahhh, the tropics!! FYI-she has on a glitter bikini. They have aqua sex, which as EVERYONE knows you can't get pregnant from.
Date card. It's finally for Britt. Is it me or has Britt lost more weight than a Survivor contestant these last 5 weeks?? And, yes, it's ONLY been 5 weeks in HO time. "Let's set sail on a sea of love". And residual sperm apparently. Michelle is jealous. "Their ship will go down". And if anyone is an expert on things going down, she would be the one.
Britt's really behind the other women in the sex department. It's a make or break day for her. A yacht pulls up. They have to friggin swim out to it. The other women are watching and jealous. "I don't even see them friending each other on FB".
They yacht out to Little Bay, where they have the whole cove to themselves. Brad: "Oh look, a cliff. We can jump off and then if you die I'll have one less decision to make". He goes first. She's all afraid but stupid enough to make the jump. Really, you would think it would smoosh his testicles all up into his body. He's all proud she jumped. "She overcame her fear and is making progress". OK, WTF is with this guy who seems to get sexually excited by women being scared?? It's freakish.
Date card interruptus. Group date for Ashley, Chantel and Michelle. "Dawning of a new ...something or other".
Britt and Brad are now sitting in the cove. Just...sitting. "You ever been in lurve?" "Yes, but I suck at showing emotion...you probably noticed. I feel like when it's the right person you just know". Hmmmmm, BIG RED LIGHTS GOING OFF BRAD. Brad: I think it's wrong that I have ABSOLUTELY NO URGE TO JUMP HER. Probably because she is ANOREXIC. I need to feel a connection tonight...either that or a hand on my thigh.
Dinner. She comes in wearing a peach colored satin-polyester nightgown dress. Really ugly and she has nothing to fill it out. So boring. "Today was insane" "Nice night though". I can't force this. "Britt, I think the world of you BUT...it ain't happening. I just don't see a future with you. And, in fact, if you're done not eating there's a dingy to take you back and get you outta here". I honestly don't think she was that dissapointed.
She walks into the house. HI BRITT, HOW WAS THE DATE?? Um, I gotta go pack. I'm going home. It's just not there..."
Next morning Brad sneaks into the girls room and wakes then up. GET UP AND GET DRESSED!!!. Michelle has a big ass zit on her forehead. It's photo shoot day!! Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue! So go get all whored up before the sun comes out! Everyone into a red bathing suit!!
Chantel (or Shawntel) is feeling fat today. Christ, I would love to be that fat. Isn't feeling sexy.
Ashley goes first. She's a natural. She takes her top off and holds up 2 shells over her breasts.
OH, SPEAKING OF BREASTS, I AM DOING THE 3 DAY BREAST CANCER WALK IN SEPTEMBER. IF YOU ENJOY MY BLOGS, CONSIDER MAKING A DONATION: http://www.the3day.org/site/TR?px=5732374&pg=personal&fr_id=1624&et=zrq8qFMPscnUpbKuiulzHg..&s_tafId=431742
Ok, so it's really a ho down, who can be more of a porn star. Chantel does the rolling in the surf hot girl thing, and then she takes her top off and does more rolling in the surf holding onto her breasts. Yes, it is soft porn at this point. Brad is thinking, "maybe this wasn't such the fantasy date I thought it would be??"
Michelle isn't gonna take off her top. But she asks Brad to pose with her and then basically grinds him down to a nub. Trust me on this. It is awful, and he gets a little too into it for the other girls. Brad: "This isn't going as well as I planned..." He's mad at Michelle and mad at himself.
Pool party for the 3 of them. Ashley at least starts drinking. It's bad. He calls Ashley out first. She grows a pair and is like, "um, if you want to ho bag it with Michelle maybe you're not the man for me". He's scared they are "pulling back from him". She tells him she felt ridiculous. (You GO girl). He tells her how much he likes her. Ashley:" I want you to be happy, so if it ain't me, I'm good." This upsets Brad cause he likes his women humping his leg happy.
Next up, Chantel. "Brad, you're shutting off, up body language sucks with me today". Hells yea, she's not taking shit either. Brad tells her group dates suck, and he is trying to make everyone happy. "I love you but you are testing my feelings". Rut Ro. What if he's stuck all alone at the last ceremony?? Rosie......
I half expected him to call his therapist and put him on speaker. He talks to Ho Bag. "Today felt different". "You and I can talk Michelle, I'm scared we're too much alike. Too strong and volatile. We would kill each other". I'm all for that at this point. She gets defensive. "I'm supposed to be here. The 800 psychic said so.
Ashley and Chantel talk. "I think the ho bag is gonna get a rose". They both think he's cold and shutting down.
Back to Chantel. "I'm putting myself out there but today you're shut down".
DATE FROM HELL.
He calls Ashley out and talks to her again. She's all freaking. "Don't send me home...you're scaring me..." He gets up, walks around the pool, picks up the rose from in front of the two other ladies and takes it to Ashley. She runs to meet him and throws herself in his arms. I gag.
They go back to the hammock, Michelle and Chantel are not happy. Chantel starts to cry. "We can talk". She keeps saying no but then the other ladies leave. "If you can't chose me over 2 other women then let me go home now". He talks to her, she calms down a little but gets up and walks away.
It was awful.
Cocktail time. They arrive at a really nice place, all shoeless, but we don't really get to see the place because...Brad wants to talk to Chris Harrison. This is always bad. He tells Chris he had clarity this week. I have no need for a cocktail party, I know who is going home. Nothing is gonna change my mind..." Chris tries to talk him out of it because, well they need more good shit for the previews. Nope, no cocktails.
Chris walks out to the ladies. "This is not good..." "Brad has already made up his mind." Michelle wants to talk to him, "If I go home tonight I am going to be fucking pissed".
The ladies go down to the beach to a little virgin sacrifice alter. Yea, right. Brad comes in. Blah Blah Blah. Ashley already has a rose. Emily.....Chantel N...... it's between Shawntel O and Michelle....... Michelle does not get a rose!!! Woo hooo.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Bachelor Update: Fear and Loathing
Bach and Ho's flew to Costa Rica this week for a little Shagaday. 10 minutes of photographs of CR, accompanies by Brad going on and freaking on about vulnerability....blah blah blah, I'm different this time, blah blah blah emotionally invested with 8 women....Seriously, STFU!!!
Costa Rica has a volcano. See the volcano? Let's look at the volcano from every angle. Ooh, now the Ho's arrive. "Ooooooh a volcano". There's Brad. "Ooooooh, Brad". They all hop out of their car and surge around Brad. "I'n it purdy". I wish he would shut up.
I cannot keep these Ho's straight. Chantel O gets the 1/1. Michelle is mad. "I hope she's attached by apes". They get into a helicopter, TO GO LOOK AT THE DAMN VOLCANO. Then it's off to a zip line.
Back at the brothel, Michelle is obsessing about Chantel with Emily. Emily is saying nothing. Michelle thinks Chantel is too aggressive and over confident. LMAO. "I think this date is her last shot".
Brad goes on and on talking about how he needs to see Chantel be more confident and less of a whiner. She needs to be BRAVE! It starts to rain, BECAUSE IT IS A FREAKING RAIN FOREST just when they are getting ready to do the zip line. Brad is scared of doing it in the rain. What a pussy. Chantel does the zip line, and Brad is all "she's FUN. There's the confident woman that I fell for". "Oooh, a monkey." LOL.
Date card arrives. Britt and Alli have never had 1/1s. "Love springs eternal" group shame date. Alli gets the 1/1.
Back at the "intimate" dinner date, Chantel says Brad is the whole package. Either that or she wants his package. It starts to rain CAUSE IT IS THE FREAKING RAIN FOREST, so they run into Brad's room (me yelling: check under the bed for Michelle with a knife!!).
Cut to Michelle saying how happy she is that it's raining on their date.
Chantel changes into Brad's shirt. SCHWINNNNG. Little Brad likes that. She's HOT. They eat dessert.
Brad: I have so much fun with you
Chantel: I'm crazy about you
Brad: Are you? Because you were a hag in Vegas and you scared me. Don't play games with me.
Kiss. "This could happen every night." Uhuh, because as we all know marriage is all about sitting around in your husband's shirt, being served dessert by your man while he hands you a rose.
Next day it's the group date. Michelle has got her bitch on. And it's raining, BECAUSE IT IS THE FREAKING RAIN FOREST, and Chantel came home with a rose and with Brad's shirt!! OMG, she took her shirt off around him apparently!! Michelle: "Brad is mine....my precious....." said while in the Smeagol crouch with drool on her chin.
Ah, another adventure and fear date. What is it with this guy> He wants a woman who is fearless and stupid? Repelling down a waterfall. Jackie hates heights. Michelle is PISSED. Brad broke the "No repelling with anyone else pact" we made. Hey Smeagol, he also broke the no oral sex with anyone else pact too last night...
Shawntel N volunteers to go first because dying is better than having the hot breath of Smeagol on the back of your neck. Jackie is really really scared. Michelle is just an annoying ball of anger and hatred. It's just her and Brad now, and she's smacking him and yelling at him about the pact. "But I saved you for last...we're going down together...stop freaking hitting me ya hag". Mood swing, she's all happy now.
Now onto the required bathing suit portion of the date in the Hot Springs. Hmmm, I always heard hot springs smelled like sulfur. Michelle: "watching Brad take his shirt off makes you want to go home and F%$CK him.". She really did say that on ABC, a Disney company.
Date card for Alli: Meet me at the altar. Oooh, maybe he is going to marry me. Uhuh, keep dreaming.
Brad pulls Jackie aside. He tells her he's proud of her. She starts ragging on him "It would have been better if we had gone down together". Jebus, why bother with these group dates?? "I had to go with Michelle, we made a gay 7th grade promise to not repel with other people and she terrifies me". "Oh, ok, that is perfectly understandable".
Michelle: "These girls are starting to bother me....I don't mean to sound like a bitch or anything...."
Emily time. Can I just say, she is soooo damn boring. Brad "I loved seeing you repelling....Tell me what you are feeling....." Emily: "I'm falling for you but I am scared...I tend to sabotage relationships..." Now Brad is afraid she will kill him like she did the race car dude.
Someone totally freaks out over a beetle. Just really freaks out.
Michelle time. She's upset that he kept Chantel. "We have a connection". Brad: "Do we??" Smeagol: " I thought you just wanted a last shag from her before you sent her home". MEOW. " I care about you and don't want you to be with her". He's PISSED OFF. No rose tonight for anyone.
Alli date. Brad comes up with 2 horses and they take off. They then hike into the jungle to a cave that is "40 million years old" (Take that Sarah Palin). They hike into the cave. OK, I would soooo not have gone in there. Bats. There are bats. They come to natural steps, and that's the "altar", where they get to picnic among the bat guano. I think I fell asleep from this date because it seems they are at dinner and it is really really boring. "So what's your major? Ever been to Europe?..." Brad: "I really just like to sit home on the couch". "Tell me about your last relationship (why does he always ask this??) "It lasted 2 years...we lost interest in each other...everytime I imagined my wedding I couldn't picture him there..." Brad: "I'm sorry, were you saying something??" "I'm really comfortable with you...too comfortable....I want to take a nap not jump your bones. No SCHWINNNG, no rose. "
The Ho's watch as her suitcase is carried away. One down...
He's exhausted. And, conveniently enough for the first time ever we see him alone in his room. Which is interesting because...knock knock...just like the camera men KNEW this was going to happen.....hmmmmm. He answers the door and it's Smeagol. "I just wanted to see you...I missed you..." Creepy. "You sent Alli away? Good. She isn't for you. Chantel isn't for you either... I was pissed at you for not giving me a rose...let me tell you the order I want the ho's to go home...Britt, Jackie, Chantel, Shawntel, Emily, Ashley... leaving me. Brad's not happy but he takes the oral sex and she leaves. What, you don't think she blew him?? They show her with him for 5 minutes, and the next day she says she was there for 20. Me thinks the other 15 minutes were not appropriate for a Disney show.
Finally, Cocktails. Brad is in drama. Michelle thinks...maybe I was a tad strong...
Brad and Emily in a hammock. Brad: "I'm scared of you". Emily "I should have never said I sabotage all of my relationships. I care about you...for me to feel this vulnerable is good." " I want to feel comfortable with you...I need your help to do that...we're on the same page..."
Brad mentioned earlier that he got grief about the group date... must have been Michelle but when did she have time? Hmmmmm.
Brad and Smeagol: "What we have is real but you are scaring me. We took 10 steps back this week...I'm making decisions FOR ME" Yea, you grow a pair, Brad!! Smeagol: "Now I'm scared...I just don't see you with these other women...I'm supposed to be here..." She goes into a trance...really..."I know I'm supposed to be here...I want to know more about you...I want that last Island date with the special suite...I want to be married...I want more children..." If there is a God, somewhere child services is knocking on her door...
Michelle is freaked. The ladies are putting 2 and 2 together. Something doesn't make sense...
Shawntel: "Brad have you ever played the silent game? You can do anything but not talk (LMAO, she is as tired of hearing him blabber on and on as I am). Brad wins. They kiss.
Michelle cops to "visiting" Brad in his room.
Ding ding ding. THANK FREAKING GOD.
Roses: Chantel already has hers. Ashley, Emily, Britt, Shawntel...it's down to Michelle and Jackie. "Little Brad" wins out and he keeps Smeagol. Damn it. Jackie goes home.
Costa Rica has a volcano. See the volcano? Let's look at the volcano from every angle. Ooh, now the Ho's arrive. "Ooooooh a volcano". There's Brad. "Ooooooh, Brad". They all hop out of their car and surge around Brad. "I'n it purdy". I wish he would shut up.
I cannot keep these Ho's straight. Chantel O gets the 1/1. Michelle is mad. "I hope she's attached by apes". They get into a helicopter, TO GO LOOK AT THE DAMN VOLCANO. Then it's off to a zip line.
Back at the brothel, Michelle is obsessing about Chantel with Emily. Emily is saying nothing. Michelle thinks Chantel is too aggressive and over confident. LMAO. "I think this date is her last shot".
Brad goes on and on talking about how he needs to see Chantel be more confident and less of a whiner. She needs to be BRAVE! It starts to rain, BECAUSE IT IS A FREAKING RAIN FOREST just when they are getting ready to do the zip line. Brad is scared of doing it in the rain. What a pussy. Chantel does the zip line, and Brad is all "she's FUN. There's the confident woman that I fell for". "Oooh, a monkey." LOL.
Date card arrives. Britt and Alli have never had 1/1s. "Love springs eternal" group shame date. Alli gets the 1/1.
Back at the "intimate" dinner date, Chantel says Brad is the whole package. Either that or she wants his package. It starts to rain CAUSE IT IS THE FREAKING RAIN FOREST, so they run into Brad's room (me yelling: check under the bed for Michelle with a knife!!).
Cut to Michelle saying how happy she is that it's raining on their date.
Chantel changes into Brad's shirt. SCHWINNNNG. Little Brad likes that. She's HOT. They eat dessert.
Brad: I have so much fun with you
Chantel: I'm crazy about you
Brad: Are you? Because you were a hag in Vegas and you scared me. Don't play games with me.
Kiss. "This could happen every night." Uhuh, because as we all know marriage is all about sitting around in your husband's shirt, being served dessert by your man while he hands you a rose.
Next day it's the group date. Michelle has got her bitch on. And it's raining, BECAUSE IT IS THE FREAKING RAIN FOREST, and Chantel came home with a rose and with Brad's shirt!! OMG, she took her shirt off around him apparently!! Michelle: "Brad is mine....my precious....." said while in the Smeagol crouch with drool on her chin.
Ah, another adventure and fear date. What is it with this guy> He wants a woman who is fearless and stupid? Repelling down a waterfall. Jackie hates heights. Michelle is PISSED. Brad broke the "No repelling with anyone else pact" we made. Hey Smeagol, he also broke the no oral sex with anyone else pact too last night...
Shawntel N volunteers to go first because dying is better than having the hot breath of Smeagol on the back of your neck. Jackie is really really scared. Michelle is just an annoying ball of anger and hatred. It's just her and Brad now, and she's smacking him and yelling at him about the pact. "But I saved you for last...we're going down together...stop freaking hitting me ya hag". Mood swing, she's all happy now.
Now onto the required bathing suit portion of the date in the Hot Springs. Hmmm, I always heard hot springs smelled like sulfur. Michelle: "watching Brad take his shirt off makes you want to go home and F%$CK him.". She really did say that on ABC, a Disney company.
Date card for Alli: Meet me at the altar. Oooh, maybe he is going to marry me. Uhuh, keep dreaming.
Brad pulls Jackie aside. He tells her he's proud of her. She starts ragging on him "It would have been better if we had gone down together". Jebus, why bother with these group dates?? "I had to go with Michelle, we made a gay 7th grade promise to not repel with other people and she terrifies me". "Oh, ok, that is perfectly understandable".
Michelle: "These girls are starting to bother me....I don't mean to sound like a bitch or anything...."
Emily time. Can I just say, she is soooo damn boring. Brad "I loved seeing you repelling....Tell me what you are feeling....." Emily: "I'm falling for you but I am scared...I tend to sabotage relationships..." Now Brad is afraid she will kill him like she did the race car dude.
Someone totally freaks out over a beetle. Just really freaks out.
Michelle time. She's upset that he kept Chantel. "We have a connection". Brad: "Do we??" Smeagol: " I thought you just wanted a last shag from her before you sent her home". MEOW. " I care about you and don't want you to be with her". He's PISSED OFF. No rose tonight for anyone.
Alli date. Brad comes up with 2 horses and they take off. They then hike into the jungle to a cave that is "40 million years old" (Take that Sarah Palin). They hike into the cave. OK, I would soooo not have gone in there. Bats. There are bats. They come to natural steps, and that's the "altar", where they get to picnic among the bat guano. I think I fell asleep from this date because it seems they are at dinner and it is really really boring. "So what's your major? Ever been to Europe?..." Brad: "I really just like to sit home on the couch". "Tell me about your last relationship (why does he always ask this??) "It lasted 2 years...we lost interest in each other...everytime I imagined my wedding I couldn't picture him there..." Brad: "I'm sorry, were you saying something??" "I'm really comfortable with you...too comfortable....I want to take a nap not jump your bones. No SCHWINNNG, no rose. "
The Ho's watch as her suitcase is carried away. One down...
He's exhausted. And, conveniently enough for the first time ever we see him alone in his room. Which is interesting because...knock knock...just like the camera men KNEW this was going to happen.....hmmmmm. He answers the door and it's Smeagol. "I just wanted to see you...I missed you..." Creepy. "You sent Alli away? Good. She isn't for you. Chantel isn't for you either... I was pissed at you for not giving me a rose...let me tell you the order I want the ho's to go home...Britt, Jackie, Chantel, Shawntel, Emily, Ashley... leaving me. Brad's not happy but he takes the oral sex and she leaves. What, you don't think she blew him?? They show her with him for 5 minutes, and the next day she says she was there for 20. Me thinks the other 15 minutes were not appropriate for a Disney show.
Finally, Cocktails. Brad is in drama. Michelle thinks...maybe I was a tad strong...
Brad and Emily in a hammock. Brad: "I'm scared of you". Emily "I should have never said I sabotage all of my relationships. I care about you...for me to feel this vulnerable is good." " I want to feel comfortable with you...I need your help to do that...we're on the same page..."
Brad mentioned earlier that he got grief about the group date... must have been Michelle but when did she have time? Hmmmmm.
Brad and Smeagol: "What we have is real but you are scaring me. We took 10 steps back this week...I'm making decisions FOR ME" Yea, you grow a pair, Brad!! Smeagol: "Now I'm scared...I just don't see you with these other women...I'm supposed to be here..." She goes into a trance...really..."I know I'm supposed to be here...I want to know more about you...I want that last Island date with the special suite...I want to be married...I want more children..." If there is a God, somewhere child services is knocking on her door...
Michelle is freaked. The ladies are putting 2 and 2 together. Something doesn't make sense...
Shawntel: "Brad have you ever played the silent game? You can do anything but not talk (LMAO, she is as tired of hearing him blabber on and on as I am). Brad wins. They kiss.
Michelle cops to "visiting" Brad in his room.
Ding ding ding. THANK FREAKING GOD.
Roses: Chantel already has hers. Ashley, Emily, Britt, Shawntel...it's down to Michelle and Jackie. "Little Brad" wins out and he keeps Smeagol. Damn it. Jackie goes home.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Bachelor Update: Ho Ho Ho
So, 11 ho's are left. Chris tells us (in his striped shirt with the turned back floral on the inside cuffs) that there is a one on one, a group shame date AND a two on one to the death cage match. Sweeeeeeeet. Ohh, they're all worried about the cage match!
But first, pack your bags!! Brad has already run away and we are stalking him in Las Vegas. Scream!! Las Vegas, Vegas Baby, ooooohh Sin City!! What happens in Vegas is now broadcast on abc. They are staying at the Aria hotel. Brad appears in 2 "interviews" minutes apart. In one he's in red and blue checks, and in the other he's in black and white. Seriously, my GAYDAR is going off this week WOOOOPWOOOOP.
Brad shows them to their suite. They each get 1 inch of champagne. He leaves a date card with the ho's. "I'm excited to see THIS woman". Seriously, just toss a bomb in the room. It's for Chantel N. "Let's End Tonight By Banging". I swear that's what it said. She meets him for the date and jumps into his arms. Already OVER THIS. OH, I forgot to mention, he's in the black and white checked shirt and a vest. He looks fucking Amish. It's the Pretty Woman date-shopping. Appropriate since they really are a bunch of prostitutes. She's really badly dressed so he takes her to a mall and they go on a shopping spree. Brad LOVES shopping. WOOOOPWOOOOP. He tries on a purple velvet jacket. WOOOOPWOOOOP. They shop. She comes out in a horrible silver dress that's all bunchy and cut down to her Brazilian. "This dress is really classy". Bwahahahahahaha.
Back at the brothel, Michelle is letting her fangs out. "This is probably going to be the worst date ever". MEOW. Chantel comes in with a ton of bags and they are all really jealous. Time to get ready for the dinner date. Brad arrives in a suit and tie, and stands around while the ladies fume. Very tense. I really thought one of them was going to spray urine on his back to mark him. Chantel walks down the stairs and they all watch while Brad tells her, "you look incredible". NOTE: Brad knows 2 adjectives. Incredible and Amazing. They go back to the mall, and then up to the rooftop for their date. I kept watching for the Hangover groom to show up. She says, "I have something I need to tell you". Oh CHRIST, who in her family jumped off a rooftop?? Nope, it's the fun "I'm a funeral director and an embalmer" dinner talk. He stops eating. He's fascinated, until she starts getting a little too graphic. The champagne bottle in the corner pops it's cork, but I doubt Brad does tonight. She gets the rose. Fireworks over the Aria. They kiss. It seems a lame kiss. You can see the fireworks from the brothel.
Date Note: Group shame date, "Let's go speed dating". OH CHRIST. Just start drinking now. Everyone but Ashley H and Ashley S get the group date so we know it's gonna be an all Ashley cage match. They are crying because they are "best friends" after a week. Michelle is loving it.
It's a group racetrack date. NASCAR. As in, my DEAD fiance who DIED in a place crash used to race NASCAR. Brad shows up in what the girls call a cute race car outfit. Then they all get changed and come out in a line like a cheesy beer commercial. It's all Emily drama. She is looking uncomfortable. "I need to talk to her". They go off and she says "I'm fine" about 5 times until she spills the DEAD fiance part of the story. "I wanted to leave NASCAR in my trailer park past. Ricki Bobbi was a driver...he crashed on the flight TO THIS VERY RACETRACK. ". What are the odds of THAT, ABC?? Brad "I feel like a jerk". Emily :"I'm usually more fun". She comes back and it's her time to drive. She cries and fondles her ugly pink engagement ring. He comes to her side, she says "I'm fine" about 5 more times then races. She hits the wall and dies. HAHA, not really but it would have been kinda funny, in a sick way.
The date ends with a party, lots of snacks. Brad asks to speak to Emily again. MEOW. The hissing starts. Alli "Does the person with the most pathetic story win"?? Brad and Emily have a totally tense talk. He"s all "I don't know what to say..." He's clearly worried about the DEAD perfect RACECAR driver and whether or not she's over him after 6 years. "It's a hard space for any man to fill". Emily: "There goes another man running for the hills". No kiss.
I think it's Shawntel O that's crying to Brad next. Could be Alli, they all look the same. "It's hard to feel special" "I hate seeing the same girl get all of the attention. Brad: "When I see a woman crying I have to talk to her. Like you now." She says, "that makes me love you more". "Love?? Love?? He's all over that. "If you don't feel for me. send me home". They go back to everyone else. It is a friggin downer date.
Brothel: Date card for the Ashleys. "Come Swing with the King".
Michelle takes Brad aside because it is really really uncomfortable being around 7 women all with PMS. "There are a lot of immature girls here". "I don't want to talk about them" "Whatever. Wanna hump my leg?" "The more I'm with you, Brad, the more I have a crush on you". Kiss. He says he feels a true connection but I think it's just her hand on his crotch. Back to the women. He picks up the rose, and I KNOW Michelle thinks her antics earned her the rose. "Emily can I piss EVERYONE off and steal you away AGAIN?" Hahahahaha, she gets the rose.
Ahhhhh, and now for the Ashley off. "It's gonna be uncomfortable". They go to the Viva Elvis Cirque de Soleil show. Brad is a BIG Cirque de Soleil fan. WOOOOPWOOOOP. They have to learn some routines and perform, BUT only one of the ladies gets to perform and Brad gets to decide. They learn the routines and H (the dentist) is way more fun. S is standing around sucking on a lemon.
Dinner first. I don't know if they even ate, but he has to give one lady a rose. Ashley S, "You're going to make an extraordinary wife, but not mine". H gets the rose. He walks S out for about 10 miles. Puts her in the limo. Comes back in and H jumps up and starts humping HIS leg. He and H do the Elvis show and we see S crying in the limo (and she is a VERY ugly crier) while "Are You Lonesome Tonight" blares. It's lame and endless. OMG, she is wearing a silly band. How friggin old is she??
OMG, speaking of endless, Brad calls his therapist. Blah blah blah psychobabble while we watch Brad listen on the phone for like 20 minutes just saying "uhuh". "You're on a journey my son" "Some very real feelings are forming". Jebuz, let it go!!
Cocktail Party.
You can smell the fear in the room. Or the urine sprayed all around. Brad enters. "I'm here to find my wife. Thanks for being so open and miserable about my journey". Damn, that psych is good.
Shawntel O gets him first. She's a friggin drama queen in a GOD AWFUL dress. Really bad. Really. I think she's hinting for a shopping date too. "I didn't expect to start feeling anything for you...we were all upset because it seemed like you were on a date with Emily..." God!! Women, here's a tip. Men do NOT like women who bitch all the time. "I'm over it now Brad, we're in a good place". "OK, but you have to stop giving me crap". WOW, last week he liked the crap.
Alli sits down and he runs out, gets a bottle of champagne and a little dessert for her. "It has a green ribbon because you wore green on our first meeting. See? I remember you and you are special. I am ill. She's all happy but the MEOW mix is even more miserable than before.
Marissa-I thought she was wearing a tiara at first! Don't really know who she is. She says she's a random texter (aka STALKER) and note giver. She gives him an envelope with some random notes he can enjoy later. Or not... He basically says, "that's creepy".
OMG! Michelle takes him, shuts the door and tells him "Sit" and "No talking". It's very S&M. "You have to start making decisions...some of these girls don't realize what a damn prize you are...I'm different..." And apparently kinky as hell. She got big Brad and "little Brad's" attention. "Go send some girls home...next time we're together you can talk". HOLY BATSHIT!!
Ding ding ding. Thank GOD.
Safe: Chantal, H and Emily
Roses:
Michelle (shit)
Alli (who I just realized looks amazingly like Jennifer Garner)
Britt
Jackie (who the hell is Jackie??)
and Shawntell.
Out:
Lisa
Note giver and text stalker Marissa.
But first, pack your bags!! Brad has already run away and we are stalking him in Las Vegas. Scream!! Las Vegas, Vegas Baby, ooooohh Sin City!! What happens in Vegas is now broadcast on abc. They are staying at the Aria hotel. Brad appears in 2 "interviews" minutes apart. In one he's in red and blue checks, and in the other he's in black and white. Seriously, my GAYDAR is going off this week WOOOOPWOOOOP.
Brad shows them to their suite. They each get 1 inch of champagne. He leaves a date card with the ho's. "I'm excited to see THIS woman". Seriously, just toss a bomb in the room. It's for Chantel N. "Let's End Tonight By Banging". I swear that's what it said. She meets him for the date and jumps into his arms. Already OVER THIS. OH, I forgot to mention, he's in the black and white checked shirt and a vest. He looks fucking Amish. It's the Pretty Woman date-shopping. Appropriate since they really are a bunch of prostitutes. She's really badly dressed so he takes her to a mall and they go on a shopping spree. Brad LOVES shopping. WOOOOPWOOOOP. He tries on a purple velvet jacket. WOOOOPWOOOOP. They shop. She comes out in a horrible silver dress that's all bunchy and cut down to her Brazilian. "This dress is really classy". Bwahahahahahaha.
Back at the brothel, Michelle is letting her fangs out. "This is probably going to be the worst date ever". MEOW. Chantel comes in with a ton of bags and they are all really jealous. Time to get ready for the dinner date. Brad arrives in a suit and tie, and stands around while the ladies fume. Very tense. I really thought one of them was going to spray urine on his back to mark him. Chantel walks down the stairs and they all watch while Brad tells her, "you look incredible". NOTE: Brad knows 2 adjectives. Incredible and Amazing. They go back to the mall, and then up to the rooftop for their date. I kept watching for the Hangover groom to show up. She says, "I have something I need to tell you". Oh CHRIST, who in her family jumped off a rooftop?? Nope, it's the fun "I'm a funeral director and an embalmer" dinner talk. He stops eating. He's fascinated, until she starts getting a little too graphic. The champagne bottle in the corner pops it's cork, but I doubt Brad does tonight. She gets the rose. Fireworks over the Aria. They kiss. It seems a lame kiss. You can see the fireworks from the brothel.
Date Note: Group shame date, "Let's go speed dating". OH CHRIST. Just start drinking now. Everyone but Ashley H and Ashley S get the group date so we know it's gonna be an all Ashley cage match. They are crying because they are "best friends" after a week. Michelle is loving it.
It's a group racetrack date. NASCAR. As in, my DEAD fiance who DIED in a place crash used to race NASCAR. Brad shows up in what the girls call a cute race car outfit. Then they all get changed and come out in a line like a cheesy beer commercial. It's all Emily drama. She is looking uncomfortable. "I need to talk to her". They go off and she says "I'm fine" about 5 times until she spills the DEAD fiance part of the story. "I wanted to leave NASCAR in my trailer park past. Ricki Bobbi was a driver...he crashed on the flight TO THIS VERY RACETRACK. ". What are the odds of THAT, ABC?? Brad "I feel like a jerk". Emily :"I'm usually more fun". She comes back and it's her time to drive. She cries and fondles her ugly pink engagement ring. He comes to her side, she says "I'm fine" about 5 more times then races. She hits the wall and dies. HAHA, not really but it would have been kinda funny, in a sick way.
The date ends with a party, lots of snacks. Brad asks to speak to Emily again. MEOW. The hissing starts. Alli "Does the person with the most pathetic story win"?? Brad and Emily have a totally tense talk. He"s all "I don't know what to say..." He's clearly worried about the DEAD perfect RACECAR driver and whether or not she's over him after 6 years. "It's a hard space for any man to fill". Emily: "There goes another man running for the hills". No kiss.
I think it's Shawntel O that's crying to Brad next. Could be Alli, they all look the same. "It's hard to feel special" "I hate seeing the same girl get all of the attention. Brad: "When I see a woman crying I have to talk to her. Like you now." She says, "that makes me love you more". "Love?? Love?? He's all over that. "If you don't feel for me. send me home". They go back to everyone else. It is a friggin downer date.
Brothel: Date card for the Ashleys. "Come Swing with the King".
Michelle takes Brad aside because it is really really uncomfortable being around 7 women all with PMS. "There are a lot of immature girls here". "I don't want to talk about them" "Whatever. Wanna hump my leg?" "The more I'm with you, Brad, the more I have a crush on you". Kiss. He says he feels a true connection but I think it's just her hand on his crotch. Back to the women. He picks up the rose, and I KNOW Michelle thinks her antics earned her the rose. "Emily can I piss EVERYONE off and steal you away AGAIN?" Hahahahaha, she gets the rose.
Ahhhhh, and now for the Ashley off. "It's gonna be uncomfortable". They go to the Viva Elvis Cirque de Soleil show. Brad is a BIG Cirque de Soleil fan. WOOOOPWOOOOP. They have to learn some routines and perform, BUT only one of the ladies gets to perform and Brad gets to decide. They learn the routines and H (the dentist) is way more fun. S is standing around sucking on a lemon.
Dinner first. I don't know if they even ate, but he has to give one lady a rose. Ashley S, "You're going to make an extraordinary wife, but not mine". H gets the rose. He walks S out for about 10 miles. Puts her in the limo. Comes back in and H jumps up and starts humping HIS leg. He and H do the Elvis show and we see S crying in the limo (and she is a VERY ugly crier) while "Are You Lonesome Tonight" blares. It's lame and endless. OMG, she is wearing a silly band. How friggin old is she??
OMG, speaking of endless, Brad calls his therapist. Blah blah blah psychobabble while we watch Brad listen on the phone for like 20 minutes just saying "uhuh". "You're on a journey my son" "Some very real feelings are forming". Jebuz, let it go!!
Cocktail Party.
You can smell the fear in the room. Or the urine sprayed all around. Brad enters. "I'm here to find my wife. Thanks for being so open and miserable about my journey". Damn, that psych is good.
Shawntel O gets him first. She's a friggin drama queen in a GOD AWFUL dress. Really bad. Really. I think she's hinting for a shopping date too. "I didn't expect to start feeling anything for you...we were all upset because it seemed like you were on a date with Emily..." God!! Women, here's a tip. Men do NOT like women who bitch all the time. "I'm over it now Brad, we're in a good place". "OK, but you have to stop giving me crap". WOW, last week he liked the crap.
Alli sits down and he runs out, gets a bottle of champagne and a little dessert for her. "It has a green ribbon because you wore green on our first meeting. See? I remember you and you are special. I am ill. She's all happy but the MEOW mix is even more miserable than before.
Marissa-I thought she was wearing a tiara at first! Don't really know who she is. She says she's a random texter (aka STALKER) and note giver. She gives him an envelope with some random notes he can enjoy later. Or not... He basically says, "that's creepy".
OMG! Michelle takes him, shuts the door and tells him "Sit" and "No talking". It's very S&M. "You have to start making decisions...some of these girls don't realize what a damn prize you are...I'm different..." And apparently kinky as hell. She got big Brad and "little Brad's" attention. "Go send some girls home...next time we're together you can talk". HOLY BATSHIT!!
Ding ding ding. Thank GOD.
Safe: Chantal, H and Emily
Roses:
Michelle (shit)
Alli (who I just realized looks amazingly like Jennifer Garner)
Britt
Jackie (who the hell is Jackie??)
and Shawntell.
Out:
Lisa
Note giver and text stalker Marissa.
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