Yo yo yo! Finally finished watching this painful episode. Last week we were hanging with the dogs at Westminster while Brad was hanging with the Ho's in Anguilla.
This week, 4 dates. 3 one on one's with no roses, and perhaps the most painful group date EVAH with a rose.
Date card: 3 things I would want to be stranded on a desert island with: picnic, champagne and Emily. Christ, can he BUY HER A DAMN MEAL that doesn't come out of a basket?? Enough of this picnic theme. Brad arrives to pick her up. "What do you want to do?" "I don't care". FOR CHRIST SAKE THESE TWO ARE SO DAMN BORING. Oh look it's another helicopter. They go to a little deserted island, really just a tiny sand bar with no plumbing. Oh yea, this is gonna be a GREAT date.
"What are you thinking?" "Pretty view". Brad, let me explain something to you. If your conversation is like this while you are dating?? You are gonna be SCREWED every meal for the rest of your life.
Brad's all tense. I tend to get that way when there is no plumbing too. Emily: "I'm scared of getting my heart broken" "Em, I care for you, I take things slowly with you...it's not for lack of interest". Kiss. He thinks they've broken new ground. Must have missed that part. They sit there until the sun starts to set. It's really boring. They have snorkel gear but no one even goes into the water. WTF??
Date card: It's for Shawntel N. Britt has still not gotten a date. "Shawntel: Let's hang out on the streets and search for ganja".
Back at the narcoleptic dream date, dinner with Emily on the beach. He wants to meet her daughter next week if he goes to her hometown. Heavy sigh. "What is the sigh for??" "I have anxiety about Ricky (named after the dead dad) meeting men whose leg I hump. I'm overprotective (and the ONLY good mother that has ever been on this show). Brad: "It would mean a lot to me and to the 5 million viewers". "It's scary". He says, "I shouldn't say this but I am going to give you a rose this week. So think about it".
Shawntel N. Ok, it might be Chantel but I have lost the ability to tell the damn difference. Brad doesn't pick her up but a car takes her to meet Brad out on the street where he meets her with bikes. Let's bike through town. The come to a farmers market, it's Shawntel's perfect day! They play dominoes and "her self confidence is SEXXYYY". Some lady asks if they are in lurve. "Hold hands and kiss and then you will know". Shawntel: "I:d love to marry him". No, you'd love to have a wedding with him. Marriage would be torture for whatever unfortunate woman ends up there. They have a picnic with some goats, which is ironic since they are probably eating goat.
"I like how I feel when I am alone with you" "My relationship with you is growing. " "I've only told 2 men that I loved them (that was Shawntel saying it, not Brad) I'm falling in love with you" .
Dinner-Brad thinks he better figure out his feelings for her. Somehow they end up talking about his mom. "My dad isn't in the picture". Brad is all happy he can talk about his Dad with her. Thinks, shit, this could be cheaper than a lifetime of therapy. It starts to rain. She gets all turned on by rain. They kiss. BUT WAIT, there's more!! A whole bunch of people show up for a concert with Banky Banks. Who is famous. In Anguilla. They make out on the dance floor, and then stumble all drunk down to the beach and take their clothes off, get in the water... Ahhh, the tropics!! FYI-she has on a glitter bikini. They have aqua sex, which as EVERYONE knows you can't get pregnant from.
Date card. It's finally for Britt. Is it me or has Britt lost more weight than a Survivor contestant these last 5 weeks?? And, yes, it's ONLY been 5 weeks in HO time. "Let's set sail on a sea of love". And residual sperm apparently. Michelle is jealous. "Their ship will go down". And if anyone is an expert on things going down, she would be the one.
Britt's really behind the other women in the sex department. It's a make or break day for her. A yacht pulls up. They have to friggin swim out to it. The other women are watching and jealous. "I don't even see them friending each other on FB".
They yacht out to Little Bay, where they have the whole cove to themselves. Brad: "Oh look, a cliff. We can jump off and then if you die I'll have one less decision to make". He goes first. She's all afraid but stupid enough to make the jump. Really, you would think it would smoosh his testicles all up into his body. He's all proud she jumped. "She overcame her fear and is making progress". OK, WTF is with this guy who seems to get sexually excited by women being scared?? It's freakish.
Date card interruptus. Group date for Ashley, Chantel and Michelle. "Dawning of a new ...something or other".
Britt and Brad are now sitting in the cove. Just...sitting. "You ever been in lurve?" "Yes, but I suck at showing emotion...you probably noticed. I feel like when it's the right person you just know". Hmmmmm, BIG RED LIGHTS GOING OFF BRAD. Brad: I think it's wrong that I have ABSOLUTELY NO URGE TO JUMP HER. Probably because she is ANOREXIC. I need to feel a connection tonight...either that or a hand on my thigh.
Dinner. She comes in wearing a peach colored satin-polyester nightgown dress. Really ugly and she has nothing to fill it out. So boring. "Today was insane" "Nice night though". I can't force this. "Britt, I think the world of you BUT...it ain't happening. I just don't see a future with you. And, in fact, if you're done not eating there's a dingy to take you back and get you outta here". I honestly don't think she was that dissapointed.
She walks into the house. HI BRITT, HOW WAS THE DATE?? Um, I gotta go pack. I'm going home. It's just not there..."
Next morning Brad sneaks into the girls room and wakes then up. GET UP AND GET DRESSED!!!. Michelle has a big ass zit on her forehead. It's photo shoot day!! Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue! So go get all whored up before the sun comes out! Everyone into a red bathing suit!!
Chantel (or Shawntel) is feeling fat today. Christ, I would love to be that fat. Isn't feeling sexy.
Ashley goes first. She's a natural. She takes her top off and holds up 2 shells over her breasts.
OH, SPEAKING OF BREASTS, I AM DOING THE 3 DAY BREAST CANCER WALK IN SEPTEMBER. IF YOU ENJOY MY BLOGS, CONSIDER MAKING A DONATION: http://www.the3day.org/site/TR?px=5732374&pg=personal&fr_id=1624&et=zrq8qFMPscnUpbKuiulzHg..&s_tafId=431742
Ok, so it's really a ho down, who can be more of a porn star. Chantel does the rolling in the surf hot girl thing, and then she takes her top off and does more rolling in the surf holding onto her breasts. Yes, it is soft porn at this point. Brad is thinking, "maybe this wasn't such the fantasy date I thought it would be??"
Michelle isn't gonna take off her top. But she asks Brad to pose with her and then basically grinds him down to a nub. Trust me on this. It is awful, and he gets a little too into it for the other girls. Brad: "This isn't going as well as I planned..." He's mad at Michelle and mad at himself.
Pool party for the 3 of them. Ashley at least starts drinking. It's bad. He calls Ashley out first. She grows a pair and is like, "um, if you want to ho bag it with Michelle maybe you're not the man for me". He's scared they are "pulling back from him". She tells him she felt ridiculous. (You GO girl). He tells her how much he likes her. Ashley:" I want you to be happy, so if it ain't me, I'm good." This upsets Brad cause he likes his women humping his leg happy.
Next up, Chantel. "Brad, you're shutting off, up body language sucks with me today". Hells yea, she's not taking shit either. Brad tells her group dates suck, and he is trying to make everyone happy. "I love you but you are testing my feelings". Rut Ro. What if he's stuck all alone at the last ceremony?? Rosie......
I half expected him to call his therapist and put him on speaker. He talks to Ho Bag. "Today felt different". "You and I can talk Michelle, I'm scared we're too much alike. Too strong and volatile. We would kill each other". I'm all for that at this point. She gets defensive. "I'm supposed to be here. The 800 psychic said so.
Ashley and Chantel talk. "I think the ho bag is gonna get a rose". They both think he's cold and shutting down.
Back to Chantel. "I'm putting myself out there but today you're shut down".
DATE FROM HELL.
He calls Ashley out and talks to her again. She's all freaking. "Don't send me home...you're scaring me..." He gets up, walks around the pool, picks up the rose from in front of the two other ladies and takes it to Ashley. She runs to meet him and throws herself in his arms. I gag.
They go back to the hammock, Michelle and Chantel are not happy. Chantel starts to cry. "We can talk". She keeps saying no but then the other ladies leave. "If you can't chose me over 2 other women then let me go home now". He talks to her, she calms down a little but gets up and walks away.
It was awful.
Cocktail time. They arrive at a really nice place, all shoeless, but we don't really get to see the place because...Brad wants to talk to Chris Harrison. This is always bad. He tells Chris he had clarity this week. I have no need for a cocktail party, I know who is going home. Nothing is gonna change my mind..." Chris tries to talk him out of it because, well they need more good shit for the previews. Nope, no cocktails.
Chris walks out to the ladies. "This is not good..." "Brad has already made up his mind." Michelle wants to talk to him, "If I go home tonight I am going to be fucking pissed".
The ladies go down to the beach to a little virgin sacrifice alter. Yea, right. Brad comes in. Blah Blah Blah. Ashley already has a rose. Emily.....Chantel N...... it's between Shawntel O and Michelle....... Michelle does not get a rose!!! Woo hooo.
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