Bach and Ho's flew to Costa Rica this week for a little Shagaday. 10 minutes of photographs of CR, accompanies by Brad going on and freaking on about vulnerability....blah blah blah, I'm different this time, blah blah blah emotionally invested with 8 women....Seriously, STFU!!!
Costa Rica has a volcano. See the volcano? Let's look at the volcano from every angle. Ooh, now the Ho's arrive. "Ooooooh a volcano". There's Brad. "Ooooooh, Brad". They all hop out of their car and surge around Brad. "I'n it purdy". I wish he would shut up.
I cannot keep these Ho's straight. Chantel O gets the 1/1. Michelle is mad. "I hope she's attached by apes". They get into a helicopter, TO GO LOOK AT THE DAMN VOLCANO. Then it's off to a zip line.
Back at the brothel, Michelle is obsessing about Chantel with Emily. Emily is saying nothing. Michelle thinks Chantel is too aggressive and over confident. LMAO. "I think this date is her last shot".
Brad goes on and on talking about how he needs to see Chantel be more confident and less of a whiner. She needs to be BRAVE! It starts to rain, BECAUSE IT IS A FREAKING RAIN FOREST just when they are getting ready to do the zip line. Brad is scared of doing it in the rain. What a pussy. Chantel does the zip line, and Brad is all "she's FUN. There's the confident woman that I fell for". "Oooh, a monkey." LOL.
Date card arrives. Britt and Alli have never had 1/1s. "Love springs eternal" group shame date. Alli gets the 1/1.
Back at the "intimate" dinner date, Chantel says Brad is the whole package. Either that or she wants his package. It starts to rain CAUSE IT IS THE FREAKING RAIN FOREST, so they run into Brad's room (me yelling: check under the bed for Michelle with a knife!!).
Cut to Michelle saying how happy she is that it's raining on their date.
Chantel changes into Brad's shirt. SCHWINNNNG. Little Brad likes that. She's HOT. They eat dessert.
Brad: I have so much fun with you
Chantel: I'm crazy about you
Brad: Are you? Because you were a hag in Vegas and you scared me. Don't play games with me.
Kiss. "This could happen every night." Uhuh, because as we all know marriage is all about sitting around in your husband's shirt, being served dessert by your man while he hands you a rose.
Next day it's the group date. Michelle has got her bitch on. And it's raining, BECAUSE IT IS THE FREAKING RAIN FOREST, and Chantel came home with a rose and with Brad's shirt!! OMG, she took her shirt off around him apparently!! Michelle: "Brad is mine....my precious....." said while in the Smeagol crouch with drool on her chin.
Ah, another adventure and fear date. What is it with this guy> He wants a woman who is fearless and stupid? Repelling down a waterfall. Jackie hates heights. Michelle is PISSED. Brad broke the "No repelling with anyone else pact" we made. Hey Smeagol, he also broke the no oral sex with anyone else pact too last night...
Shawntel N volunteers to go first because dying is better than having the hot breath of Smeagol on the back of your neck. Jackie is really really scared. Michelle is just an annoying ball of anger and hatred. It's just her and Brad now, and she's smacking him and yelling at him about the pact. "But I saved you for last...we're going down together...stop freaking hitting me ya hag". Mood swing, she's all happy now.
Now onto the required bathing suit portion of the date in the Hot Springs. Hmmm, I always heard hot springs smelled like sulfur. Michelle: "watching Brad take his shirt off makes you want to go home and F%$CK him.". She really did say that on ABC, a Disney company.
Date card for Alli: Meet me at the altar. Oooh, maybe he is going to marry me. Uhuh, keep dreaming.
Brad pulls Jackie aside. He tells her he's proud of her. She starts ragging on him "It would have been better if we had gone down together". Jebus, why bother with these group dates?? "I had to go with Michelle, we made a gay 7th grade promise to not repel with other people and she terrifies me". "Oh, ok, that is perfectly understandable".
Michelle: "These girls are starting to bother me....I don't mean to sound like a bitch or anything...."
Emily time. Can I just say, she is soooo damn boring. Brad "I loved seeing you repelling....Tell me what you are feeling....." Emily: "I'm falling for you but I am scared...I tend to sabotage relationships..." Now Brad is afraid she will kill him like she did the race car dude.
Someone totally freaks out over a beetle. Just really freaks out.
Michelle time. She's upset that he kept Chantel. "We have a connection". Brad: "Do we??" Smeagol: " I thought you just wanted a last shag from her before you sent her home". MEOW. " I care about you and don't want you to be with her". He's PISSED OFF. No rose tonight for anyone.
Alli date. Brad comes up with 2 horses and they take off. They then hike into the jungle to a cave that is "40 million years old" (Take that Sarah Palin). They hike into the cave. OK, I would soooo not have gone in there. Bats. There are bats. They come to natural steps, and that's the "altar", where they get to picnic among the bat guano. I think I fell asleep from this date because it seems they are at dinner and it is really really boring. "So what's your major? Ever been to Europe?..." Brad: "I really just like to sit home on the couch". "Tell me about your last relationship (why does he always ask this??) "It lasted 2 years...we lost interest in each other...everytime I imagined my wedding I couldn't picture him there..." Brad: "I'm sorry, were you saying something??" "I'm really comfortable with you...too comfortable....I want to take a nap not jump your bones. No SCHWINNNG, no rose. "
The Ho's watch as her suitcase is carried away. One down...
He's exhausted. And, conveniently enough for the first time ever we see him alone in his room. Which is interesting because...knock knock...just like the camera men KNEW this was going to happen.....hmmmmm. He answers the door and it's Smeagol. "I just wanted to see you...I missed you..." Creepy. "You sent Alli away? Good. She isn't for you. Chantel isn't for you either... I was pissed at you for not giving me a rose...let me tell you the order I want the ho's to go home...Britt, Jackie, Chantel, Shawntel, Emily, Ashley... leaving me. Brad's not happy but he takes the oral sex and she leaves. What, you don't think she blew him?? They show her with him for 5 minutes, and the next day she says she was there for 20. Me thinks the other 15 minutes were not appropriate for a Disney show.
Finally, Cocktails. Brad is in drama. Michelle thinks...maybe I was a tad strong...
Brad and Emily in a hammock. Brad: "I'm scared of you". Emily "I should have never said I sabotage all of my relationships. I care about you...for me to feel this vulnerable is good." " I want to feel comfortable with you...I need your help to do that...we're on the same page..."
Brad mentioned earlier that he got grief about the group date... must have been Michelle but when did she have time? Hmmmmm.
Brad and Smeagol: "What we have is real but you are scaring me. We took 10 steps back this week...I'm making decisions FOR ME" Yea, you grow a pair, Brad!! Smeagol: "Now I'm scared...I just don't see you with these other women...I'm supposed to be here..." She goes into a trance...really..."I know I'm supposed to be here...I want to know more about you...I want that last Island date with the special suite...I want to be married...I want more children..." If there is a God, somewhere child services is knocking on her door...
Michelle is freaked. The ladies are putting 2 and 2 together. Something doesn't make sense...
Shawntel: "Brad have you ever played the silent game? You can do anything but not talk (LMAO, she is as tired of hearing him blabber on and on as I am). Brad wins. They kiss.
Michelle cops to "visiting" Brad in his room.
Ding ding ding. THANK FREAKING GOD.
Roses: Chantel already has hers. Ashley, Emily, Britt, Shawntel...it's down to Michelle and Jackie. "Little Brad" wins out and he keeps Smeagol. Damn it. Jackie goes home.
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