Bachelor: HOmetown Dates

Ah yes, it's that time of the season again when Brad gets dragged to the ladies hometowns and we get to see WHAT KIND OF FREAKS HAVE DAUGHTERS THAT GO ON THIS SHOW.

He's in NY packing, I have no idea why.  "This is an incredible adventure...this is the most important week..."  He's so glad America has short attention spans and can't remember he said this same shit last time.

He runs down the women who are left:
Chantel N: I have questions for her...she's emotional...roller coaster...fucks like a rabbit though...
Ashley: so happy and outgoing..."she has everything a guy wants in a wife...but there have been speedbumps".  She didn't lay down and just rollover like a good wife should have
Shawntel O: she's FUN!  We have a connection!  No roller coaster BUT she told me she loves me and DAMN, that makes a guys testicals retract.  " I like where we're at".
Emily: She's very real.  She's what I'm looking for in a wife (someone boring as all HELL who will never talk back, never have an opinion and never have the guts to leave me).  It's deeper  because she had a daughter...and he doesn't know if he could play hide the salami with her sacred baby-hole. 

First date.  Chantal.  I think this is Chico?  He loves the city, they go to her banging house.  She has 2 cats and a dog.  Cats are Jinxie, Baily and the dog is Boca.  No, you do not need to know that.  It's the happy confident Chantal!  The dog loves him, which is a big deal.  They discuss the fact that the pets come with her.  He tells her he has a loft in NY (I thought he lived in texas??) with no closets. "That's not going to work".  I was really liking them together anyway but HOLY CRAP are her parents friggin LOADED.  The house is unbelievable.  Like HUGE ASS.  I'd have dropped to my knees and proposed RIGHT THEN. 

Mom looks like she's 35.  Except nothing moves on her face.  They have wine and chat in one of the many rooms.  They tell the o-so-funny story about her slapping him when they first met.  Seriously, if he doesn't marry her I am gonna go lesbian and hunt her down.  Fabulous family, AND THEY ARE RICH!!  Dad and Chantal chat.  She tells him she had THAT FEELING from the start with Brad.  "Well, honey, if you love him, I'll just offer him a check to get this over with and wipe off that stain of divorce you carry". 

Dad takes Brad off to another wing of the mansion to show him a BIG ASS statue he owns.  It's a statue of a self made man.  LOL.  Total male bonding. Brad tells him about his own Dad and OMG, her Dad didn't see his father for the last 15 years of his life.  What a fucking coincidence!  Brad "I'll be a damn good son in law and father..."  People say the funniest things when money is involved.  "Is Chantal ready to marry again?"  "Yes, and here's $10,000 to make sure it happens".  I was literally praying there was not gonna be a man-hug. 

Chantal and Mom, with the bad purple eye shadow and huge glasses of wine talk.  Mom tells her to "trust your heart...and your genitalia".  Chantal has "feelings again". 

Brad and Daddy-o are now in THE FUCKING WINE CELLAR.  Brad: "My intensions are true"  "I know they are...we would give you our blessing to take our divorced baggage off our hands". 

Hang on, I need an insulin shot.

Date 2: Ashley.  She wants SPARKS!!  "You're cute today" "No, you are" .  They are in northern Maine.  She takes him to a place where she was a waitress as a kid.  The cameraman is totally into her boots.  LOL.  They're in French Canadian land.  They order a quick thin, which is fries with gravy and cheese.  I am so moving to Maine.  Everyone talks french and Brad manages to order potatoes.  What a guy!  The fries arrive and he picks up a fork.  "You cannot eat these with a fork, use your hands!"  He starts to eat and she says, "Hey I just saw your crown!" Spoken like a true dentist.  He's all confident in them together BUT they have to "move forward as a couple" which is clearly code for blow job.  She says the word disconnected and he gets all wigged out.  "We're wasting time here".  They go get lobsters for dinner.  And as my friend correctly texted me, "that lobster is way more interesting than Brad". 

They stop and take pictures at the Madawaska sign.  "I've never seen her this happy".  Meet the folks.  Lots of screaming.  She is so excited.  He fits right in.  His sister is totally into him.  Dad's into him but wonders if Brad will support her in her climb to be the worlds best dentist.  She is apparently still in dental school.  Didn't know that.  They act like you can't be a friggin dentist anywhere in the world.  "Do you want kids?"  "I do but I have no idea what Ashley thinks".  Hey, genius, FRIGGIN ASK her.  God, he sucks at conversation. 

Her brother asks her, "would you accept a proposal?"  Ashley would have to think about it.  Hmmmmm. 

Brad is now worried she is too good for him (she is) and won't take a rose from him.  He's wondering if he will scare her away or take her away from her job.  As a dentist.  Because they don't have those in NYC.  Sister: "Now is the time for her to start both her career and her life".  Mom: "He's awesome" Ashley: "He's everything I've been looking for".  C'mon, is it really that hard out there?? 

"Brad you wanna stay over tonight?  Check out her plumbing??"  He's obsessing over the "keeping her down from her ambitions" bullshit.  Because he is totally looking for a reason to ditch her. 

Date 3 starts with OMFG the family funeral parlor commercial.  LMAO.  The whole family is into it, apparently.  (Note: if you have never watched the series, Six Feet Under, you have to netflix it.)  He meets Shawntel at the mausoleum.  Niiiiiice.  She wants to find out now if he's comfortable with her life.  He loves Chico. Shit, this is Chico.  Where the hell does the other chick live?? 

She shows him the crypts with the husbands and wives, the cremation wall, and here's the spot for you and me!!  Shows him the crematorium.  That sound is his reproductive organs falling off.  This is 70% of our business!  We do 3 a day!!  Um, what is she selling him?? He's like, "if we get married I will have to listen to what a bad day at the crematorium will be like..."  Ah, here's the prep room.  Lay down on the table and let me totally and completely CREEP YOU OUT.  She puts on a mask, is all into it...shows him the equipement.  It is really weird. 

Brad: "I don't do death well".  She loves her job.  "The good thing is, I can embalm anywhere we live!!" 

Parent's House.  Brad so has "where is the back door"  in his eyes.  Dad is a trip.  Wants Shawnie to take over the bidness some day.  Mom, Dad and 2 sisters are counting on it! 

They tell Dad Shawnie even got Brad on the table.  Dad wisely says, "no rose 4 U!" 

"Um, Dad... Brad lives in Austin TX (not NY??  I am so damn confused)"  Dead silence.  Dad and Shawnel go sit in the barcolounger TV room.  "You leaving for Austin would be bad.  Last week some kid from the local high school bought it and they were disappointed you didn't carve him up".  WOW.  "If he proposes, I'm OUTA here".  "You are destroying our dreams".  WOW, that went well. 

"We trust her, Brad.  If it's meant to be, you have our blessing".  Creepiest home visit EVER.  "I'm in love with you Brad".  She thinks the day could not have gone better!

Next up, Emily.  Emily meets up with her daughter, Ricky-ticki.  Let me vomit now.  "I made a new friend while I was a way...and he is going to come to meet you".  Ricky has to put her 5 year old stamp of approval on this adult decision.  Ridiculous. 

Brad meets her.  He brings her a kite.  She's shy.  She doesn't want to open the present.  Brad has never been in a relationship with someone with a daughter.  God help him.  Ricky is not having any of it.  No eye contact.  They fly the kite and she gets a little better.  "This day has been perfect"  He is a freaking idiot.  Back at home, it's a big ass house.  Ahhh, life insurance.  What a great thing.  Ricky runs upstairs into the magic Ricky room (run Brad run).  She calls him Mr. Brad.  They play games.  He's totally tricked into believing this is what being a step dad is like.  LOL.  Idiot.  She gives him a painting, brushes her teeth and Brad goes to say goodnight.  She's a happy kid, despite what ABC chose to show on the previews. 

Alone at last with Brad.  "My day was perfect, I couldn't be happier".  She is falling for him.  Horny as all get out.  Brad: "I want to be affectionate but your daughter is upstairs".  No kiss.  Emily is not buying it.  "If this works out, she will always be upstairs sleeping".  Kiss me damnit!!  Nope, he has a total Madonna complex.  He gets up to leave and they finally kiss, with the door open so all of the neighbors can see.  LOL.  Idiot.

Cocktails.  The 4 ladies are wearing red, white, blue, and black.  All tight, all ugly as all get out.  Brad: "I don't want to say goodbye to one of you". 

Roses: Ashley, Emily and Chantal.  Shawntel goes back to her freak world.  "I care for you but I didn't feel the way a man should when a woman says she loves him". 

Sign, most men don't treat an embalmer that good.  Next week, off to South Africa.