Bachelor: Fear and Loathing

First up, this week is the return of the bitching Ho's.  I usually don't blog that craziness BUT I would consider it for a couple of donations to my 3Day Walk.  Show me some love, people!!

So, we're all in South Africa.  Which is really nice, and all cute fuzzy animals.  No apartheid, no Nelson Mandela, no white rule.  Just cute fuzzy animals as far as Brad and the womens are concerned.  Final 3: Ashley, Emily and Chantel, which rhymes with clientele and always makes me think of Fergie. 

This week Brad wants to "talk" to all of the womens on an intimate level.  Intimate is the word of the week.  Intimate, intimate, intimate.  As if Brad would know intimate if it bit him on the balls, and he sent that woman home already. 

He has a "strong connection" with these 3 ladies.  There is an EASE with Chantel, although their ride has been a "roller coaster" because she actually has emotions.  Ashley has "so much to offer (aka a steady dentist paycheck), they are comfortable except when Ashely has questions and insecurities about me dry humping several other womens.  Speedbumps, he calls them.  Are speedbumps better or worse than roller coasters?  Emily is "one in a million".  LMFAO.  Yes, dumb blondes incapable of holding even a modest conversation really are hard to find, Brad.  He's a much better person with her...she makes him giddy.  He wants a "sweet" woman but this one has an intimidating past. 

It's overnight date week.  He's excited.  He's also "terrified of being alone, but I've made enough changes to not end up alone.  One of these womens will be my wife".  Uhuh.  I got $20 says that ain't never happening.

First date is with Chantel in Sabi Sands.  It's a safari date.  Baby monkeys, Chantel reliving telling Brads he lurves him.  They meet and hug.  Get in the open air safari bus.  "I'm here looking at the bush with a beautiful woman".  hmmmm.  Ooh, Lions!  MAUL THEM, MAUL THEM!!!  Brad really wanted to see lions and ABC managed to drug a couple and lay them out in the bush.  Ooh, Giraffe.  "That is a pretty animal...This is his home".  Brad is a freaking genius.  Elephants, zebra, African music playing, rhinos.  Picnic time.  The guide leads them to the river holding a shotgun.  So you know it's dangerous.  LOL.  Now Brad is off on his fear/danger relationship building test bullshit.  WTF??

They eat their picnic lunch with a hippo.  The overcoming fear bullshit she says is a metaphore for their relationship.  Brad: "I miss your family...how's their money doing?"   blah blah blah.  Really, it's all bullshit.  "We're weeks away from something that could change our lives".

Dinner, outside.  Chantel: "I want to meet your family".  He gets kinda weird.  "I get all intense about family.  Ooh, should I say this?  I'm the most comfortable around you.  I like that side of me around you (didn't he say the same about Ashley 5 minutes ago??)  My heart is open".  Chantel: "Let's get married now" "Would you do that??"  "I take the engagement seriously, and if I'm going to get engaged I mean to get married".  "I like that about you, the spontenaity...I need that in my life". 

The Chris Harrison date shag card arrives.  She reads it, "Let's go!!"  What happens in the fantasy suite stays in the fantasy suite.  Theirs is a real treehouse.  Out in the open with apparently no plumbing.  Yea, my fantasy too.  I wonder what kind of mosquito born diseases you can get in South Africa??

Date 2 is Emily.  Ugh, I am dreading this one.  They meet, big hug.  "Hang on, I need to get something..." He leaves her and then comes riding in on an elephant.  "It's my dream...it's like the lion king only better".  Brad, if you marry her you will get to watch The Lion King (Disney Productions, DING) 25,000 times in the next 2 years.  "Ricky would love the baby elephants".  Brad: "I miss your daughter".  Mostly because he is way more into the kid than her, like most gay men are.  "Does she understand what it means if we spend more time together?"  "I dunno, she's kind of stupid like me.  I'm ready to find out.  Are you?"  Brad, with all the swagger of a man who has never spent 30 minutes with a child, "I'm ready".   "I'd never ask you to a MOVIE unless you knew I saw you as a packaged deal".

Big hug and kiss.  Brad: "The conversation was perfect."  What an idiot.

Dinner.  He's nervous, she's falling in lurve.  Emily: "I'm focusing on my relationship with you but, the other women are bugging me."  "I'm ready for this to be over. Don't question anything about me.  I'm excited about you, Ricky and me". 

Fantasy shag card.  This is why he is nervous.  "I'm a mom, and I want to set a good example for her.  Like by going on this ho-bag show to find a man....BUT I want to shag you in private, but slowly so nobody at home knows I slept with you".  They go to the suite.  It's kinda boring after the tree house.  She tells him she's falling in lurve with him.  "I didn't expect that at all".  He tells her he's falling in lurve with her too.  "He makes me the happiest person on the world...Brad is the right person for me."

Let me say, right now, before we go to Ashley's date.  If he DOES NOT chose Emily, and has been stringing her along he is going to have to move to Libya to live in a country where he is not the most hated man. 

Date 3: Ashley.  After meeting her family, I have questions.  They meet and go to a helicopter.  She freaks out.  Not in a good way.  She is terrified.  It's her biggest fear, and we know he likes that.  She's terrified but they take off in the helicopter.  Hey, my husband won me by NOT making me do shit I didn't want to do.  Exhibit A: camping. 

"Africa is a large land filed with exotic animals".  Zzzzzz.  They go to God's window, which is just a rock in the mountains, and picnic.  I also think he likes his women to face their fears of peeing outside. 

"I love your family".  Brad: "Where do you want to live?"  She actually gives a real answer, not the expected "wherever you want to live daaarling.  "I don't know, near people I love."  He doesn't like that answer.  Brad: "You are so driven.  Can you allow yourself to live a life while you are trying to succeed?"  Again, she gives a complex answer to the complex question, "It's a good question I ask myself.  I want to be a good dentist, to keep current, I want to go to conferences."  Brad tells her "You remind me of myself at your age....like becoming a dentist is totally relatable to opening a couple of bars in Texas...I wonder if I could have had more balance in my life".    "We would have been in the same place 10 years ago".  The date goes downhill from here.  Brad:" We've never talked about meshing our lives together".  Hmmm, he is looking for a reason to ditch her. 

Dinner.  "I have more questions than before".  Jeez.  She thinks they are on a path moving forward and this has been good deep conversation. Which would be a positive for anyone other than Brad, who has no interest in deep.  Ashley:" It was a very cool day...you made me think.  I think we want the same things but I didn't communicate to you what I meant."  Brad:"  We've never talked about our future together...When I asked you where you wanted to live, you never mentioned Austin".  He is so not into her anymore.  "Why are we spending so much time reassuring each other??"  "You're looking for someone who will easily fit into your life".

She's pissed, and just eating.  Brad: "I'm happy to be here."  Ashley:" I had no idea you had so many concerns".  Fantasy suite card.  Good timing.  She wants to go.  "I'm glad you're here...kiss".  It could not be more awkward.  "We're totally off our game..."

Rose Ceremony time!  Brad chats with Chris.  This is the most difficult rose ceremony.  Ashley and I had a difficult date.  We both shut down.  I know what my decision should be but I have to talk to Ashley first. 

Rose ceremony.  Ashely looks like she ate her way through the mini bar, and is squeezed into an awful brown dress.  Brad clears his throat 10 times.  "Ashley can we talk?"  He walks her half way out the door.  "Our date sucked, I'm sorry.  I'm shocked that our relationship went so bad".  "Me too, what happened?"  Brad:"  I came loaded with questions and I backed you into a corner."  "Why do we have problems??"  "I don't know if I can fit into your life." 

"I need to tell you goodbye".  Wow, it really is that brusque.  "I'm confident in the decision, so let me walk you out".  Me yelling at the teevee "YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER ASHLEY!!! LET EMILY SETTLE FOR THIS IDIOT".

"Things can change so quickly".  Not really, Brad.  Not if it's real.  Maybe your therapist can explain that to you.

He comes back, mumbles something about Ashley.  Scratches his ear for about 5 minutes, them gives out the 2 roses.  Emily is all confident and cocky. 

In 2 weeks, it's off to Capetown to meet his family.  They don't live in Capetown, but they insisted if they have to do this "meet Brad's possible wife" nonsense, they wanted a free trip too.