Spring 2011 Amazing Race

Ok, my lazy ass used the "to be continued" status of week 1 to weasel out of a write up, but no such excuse exists today. Amazing Race the return of "those teams that have never won". AKA losers.


We're starting in Palm Springs, where it's all unamerican GREEN WINDMILL energy. Review of the contestants, but I'm gonna skip that because, hell, we all know them intimately. Mel is 70 and Kent is still undergoing his sex change.

Welcome Back! The first team on this leg of the race will get a bonus, express pass, which does not allow them to buy gas easier but to skip a task at some point, "It's a very different race this time". No clues on the bags, you have to search the desert for the flag that represents "Queensland and Northern Territories Air Service". Last one to find it gets an automatic u-turn. Hey, here's a novel idea, look for a word that starts with a Q ya morons. As in Qantas. Mel and Mike (aka GaySon) get it first. The now engaged arguing couple, Amanda and Kris, are last. They lost due to a U-turn. Not happy.

Travel to LAX and get on one of 2 flights to Sidney, Australia. 90 minutes between the first and second flight. Unless, someone on the first flight has a heart attack and you get detoured to Hawaii. Probably some damn, FAT, smoking, BBQ eating American who is not only ruining the healthcare costs in America, but also the damn race!!

2nd flight lands first, mostly because it is Vegan Airlines. Once in Sidney, take a train to the harbor and then a ferry to the Manly Ocean World. Roadblock: Who's ready to get tanked? PICK ME!!! One member of each team has to suit up and enter a shark tank to find a compass and then use it to decode a message via nautical flags.

C'mon, nobody is gonna get chomped. This ain't cable. Mallory finds the first one, then Amanda.

The Cowboys stopped to gawk at the big city and missed the ferry.

The decoded message tells teams to go to Manly 16 Ft Skiff Sailing Club and find a captain and tell him 'I'm between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea". Cowboys get to the shark tank, "hell, we don't even take baths".

Both flights are kind of caught up at this point, everyone has their decoder ring but Vyxin is lost in the shark tank.

Gary and Mallory get the clue first, then have to sail a 16 foot skiff across the bay, and collect their clues on buoys. Globetrotters get the decoder and go to the flags. I'm totally screwed if history repeats itself with my illiterate Globes. Jaime and Cara (NFLs) team up with Margie and Luke (DeafNMom) and work together. The clue on the buoys tells teams to race for the Pitt, at Shelley Beach.

Zev and Justin tell the Globes the answer. Thank you 6 lb baby Jesus. Margie and Luke get it wrong, Zevtin won't tell them it. Brokebacks apparently are missing like most of the clue. Totally bizarre.

Gary and Mallory reach the Pitt as team #1...BUT WAIT, you're still racing! TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK...

ok, BACK AGAIN.

Brokeback is still clueless, everyone else has checked into the Pitt and are continuing to race.

Pitt clue: Make your way back to Sidney and find "sail to stop" and sign up for one of two charter flights to Broken Hill. Dad and Mallory assume they are looking for a charter flight place called Sail to Stop. They are in a cab but can't tell the driver where to go.

Zev has Aspergers. I totally forgot that. I love him, he is quite funny.

You can take either a ferry or a taxi to Sidney. DeafNMom are working with NFLs again. Asian dad is a total douchebag.

Brokeback finally finish the decoder clue...

Kisha and Jen (Peepees) get in a cab whose driver takes them to the Maritime Museum, which is not the correct location but which has internet connection, which they use to figure out there is a anchor statue near the town hall called Sail to Stop.

GaySon 's dad is having leg cramps and is basically dying. They get on the ferry and he all but collapses. Son: "I don't want to kill you for a joy ride". He's crying. "How about this, I'll be responsible for my decisions". DeafNMom use a laptop on the ferry to find the anchor.

Peepees are on the first flight, as are Zevtin, NFLs, DeafNMom, GaySon and Kent/Vyxin (Freaks).

Dad and Mallory are totally lost. He wants to keep jumping in cabs, she wants to figure out where they are going. They run into the Asians, and Angry Engaged and all work together.

Brokeback checks into the Pitt.. They have no clue how to find the sail to stop clue, and just walk around all day and half the night asking people randomly on the streets. Apparently there is no internet connection on the ranch. Fortunately, the flights are the next morning and they have all night to figure it out. Second flight is Globes, Asians, Angry Engaged, Dad and Mallory and finally Brokeback.

1st flight lands, teams get cars and have to drive to the living desert. NFLs and DeafNMom stop for directions. They pass a sign welcoming them to the outback, to which Zev says "not a lot of steakhouses out here".

Detour: chose between the spirit world and the natural world. In spirit world teams have to replicate a mosaic with stones, then dance on it. In natural world, teams have to create a mural by spitting color onto a slate, leaving 4 impressions. Everyone does the spirit thing, although the angry engaged have to do both.

The freaks finish their mosaic first, but then for some creepy reason Kent wants them to "gather all the little children" and dance AROUND their mosaic.

Zev and Justin finish first. Justin says Zev is artistic..."and autistic" says Zev. Drive to Broken Hill, and find the home of the magpies.

The Asians are fighting. In Chinese...and are last.

Angry engaged finish and do the other task, which takes about 2 minutes. We do learn that Amanda is not a spitter...

Home of the magpies is the Central Football Club. And, it's a chemistry challenge! Teams have to dress like Kangaroos and armed with only a copy of the periodic table, with Mg and Bi highlighted have to hop to the corner of Mercury and Bismuth.

Zevtin and DeafNMon find woman on the street with a smart phone. She gives the the info and directions. Mid hop, Margie realizes she lost part of her costume and has to go back to find it. Zevtin get the clue first: drive to Junction Mine, home of the next Pitt stop. Change your hopper shoes first. "owww, I just slammed my tail in the door".

Zev and Justin are team #1!! They win a trip to Cancun. Zev wants a nap. LOL.

GaySon dad picked up Margie's shoe cover, and when he gives it to her she tells them where to go.

This big gang of 'roos find the corner and get their next clue. Left are the Asians, Dad and Mallory and the Angry Engaged. The Asians and Dad/Mallory are trying to work together but Asian Dad is a dick. Mallory takes off following where everyone else went, and Asian Dad says, "Mallory is hysterical". They go the wrong way and have to backtrack. "Don't shout, your voice carries". What a total control freakin DICK.

They find the clue and get ready to drive. Mallory says she has a map with the place on it. "She doesn't know where it is". "Mallory is very impulsive". They part ways and the Asians get lost. LOL. Dad and Mallory check in. It's down to the Asians and the Angry Engaged. Asians step on the mat. "Give us some good news, Bill". Engaged are the last team to arrive and are eeeeliminated.

1Zev and Justin     Ginnie
2Flight Time and Big Easy      Elayne
3Jet and Cord              Donna
4Lakisa and Jennifer          Matt and Kevin
5Margie and Luke           Tess and Susan
6Mel and Mike             Jeff and Eileen
7Kent and Vyxsin          Lori
8Jaime and Cara            Amy
9Gary and Mallory          Joanne
10Ron and Christina        Karen and John

Bye Bye.
11Amanda and Kris       Terri